Posts from Fun
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***
Yesterday evening, our entrance was painted with bad paint. I left my apartment and my right foot got stuck. I pried my right foot loose, then my left foot got stuck. Then a neighbor came out, and while I was prying her loose, I was 15 minutes late.
***
I was late for work because of a healthy lifestyle! I left for work earlier, but because I didn't have any cigarettes, I got hit hard. I went to the infirmary, but it was closed. Then I bought a bottle of vodka and started rinsing the wound. That's why I smell like alcohol, my face is bruised, and my slurred speech and impaired coordination are the result of a concussion! I wasn't drinking, I swear.
***
I was three hours late because after yesterday's corporate party, in your honor, by the way, I came to my senses on a bench in a park in the city of Tver.
I don't know how I got there.
***
I, Sergei Ivanov, was late for work due to Mosgortrans. An emergency occurred on the trolleybus I was riding. The driver was probably drunk and his horns fell off. He didn't admit for a long time that his horns had fallen off and said that we would be leaving soon. And since he was drunk, he couldn't pick them up. Then he finally admitted that the horns had fallen off, but a lot of time had passed. Then I walked three stops to work because the trolleybuses weren't running.
***
I come to work later and later because in the mornings I run in the stadium with my dog, and we watch the sunrise, and the sun rises later and later. This will continue until December 22. After that, I will commit to coming to work earlier and earlier.
***
In the morning, as usual, I got dressed and was about to leave the house.
I stepped over the bed and got tangled with a girl, and in order to get free, I had to undress again. This procedure took some time, as a result of which I was late for work.
***
I (full name) was three hours late for work because I didn't have money for the tram, and I got lost and couldn't find your street. I didn't come in work clothes because I don't have any other, but I will soon!
Ангел пропел и полопалась кожа...
Мы выпили жизнь, но не стали мудрей,
Мы прожили смерть, но не стали моложе...
Агата Кристи
Ты должен быть сильным,
Ты должен уметь сказать: Руки прочь, прочь от меня,
Ты должен быть сильным, иначе зачем тебе быть?!
КИНО
- It's Hottabych's porn.
A shipwreck occurred. Only one beautiful, young woman managed to survive. Swimming to a nearby island, she fainted and fell onto the sand. Then two natives, a father and son, approached. The father examines the woman thoughtfully, and the son urges him:
-Let's eat her, look how appetizing she is!
After thinking for a moment, the father says:
-No, son! We'll take her home with us and eat Mom!!!
A golden wedding anniversary. The husband asks his wife:
-Darling! Were you unfaithful to me?
-Three times.
-When was the first time?
-Remember, when no one at the bank wanted to give you a loan. And then the bank director himself signed it and personally handed you the receipt!
-Thank you, darling! And when was the second time you were unfaithful to me?
-When no one wanted to perform your operation. And then Dr. Seversky himself took the scalpel in his hands!
-Thank you, darling! You saved my life! And who did you have an affair with the third time?
-Remember, when you ran for deputy in our district and you were short 49 votes?...
Ангел пропел и полопалась кожа...
Мы выпили жизнь, но не стали мудрей,
Мы прожили смерть, но не стали моложе...
Агата Кристи
Ты должен быть сильным,
Ты должен уметь сказать: Руки прочь, прочь от меня,
Ты должен быть сильным, иначе зачем тебе быть?!
КИНО
It seems like there was already something about Hottabych... But the rest was enjoyable.
Well, I don't know, I didn't read all 16 pages.
Ангел пропел и полопалась кожа...
Мы выпили жизнь, но не стали мудрей,
Мы прожили смерть, но не стали моложе...
Агата Кристи
Ты должен быть сильным,
Ты должен уметь сказать: Руки прочь, прочь от меня,
Ты должен быть сильным, иначе зачем тебе быть?!
КИНО
-Yes.
-Please hold the line.
When the Matryoshka doll was opened, 7 more bodies were found.
Poor family. A father and son are sitting, eating potatoes. The son reaches for a potato and accidentally knocks over a bottle of vodka, it wobbles but doesn't fall. The son (laughing):
- Dad, look, the bottle was just on the verge of falling.
Father:
- So are you.
A sad Georgian is standing in a field with a boomerang. Another man approaches him and asks:
- Givi, what is that?
- I don't know.
- And what do you need it for?
- I don't need it...
- Well, throw it away!
- Okay! Throw it away yourself!!!
:smile28: [M] "Я и моя тень" - "I am and my shadow" :smile28:
:smile16:
-And I'm an apricot, grown in the south!
-And I'm a tomato!
-Together, we're a fruit garden!
A girl runs in:
-There aren't any fruits here, drink "My Family" juice!
-Girl, how many times do I have to repeat it? "And I'm a fairy without a...", drink "My Family" juice. She runs in again:
-And I'm a fairy without a..., drink "My Family" juice!
-Girl, not without a..., just - a fairy!
She runs in again:
-And I'm just without a..., drink "My Family" juice.
Great Britain. Court record 12659.
A woman, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus.
She noticed that the man across from her was looking at her and smiling.
She immediately moved to another seat.
The man smiled wider, and the woman moved again.
The man grinned from ear to ear.
When the woman moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing loudly in the bus.
She complained to the driver, and the man was arrested.
The case was sent to court.
The judge asked the man (about twenty years old),
what he had to say in his defense.
"Well, Your Honor, it was like this: when the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under an advertisement that said, 'Double Mint Twins are on the way,' and I smiled.
Then she moved to a seat under a sign that said, 'Slogan Balm will reduce swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she moved to a seat under a sign that said,
'William's Big Stick did the trick,'
and I could barely contain myself.
But when she moved for the fourth time and ended up under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I lost it.
Judge: - ACQUITTED!
The "Argument" club. A very fitting name!
But what really impressed me was the "Azart" shovel! You have to be quite the wit to name a shovel like that...
- Hello, is this a psychiatric hospital?
- Yes.
- My car was stolen, help me find the thief.
- This is not something we can help with; call the police.
- You see, a "Zaporozhets" from 1986 was stolen.
Two guys were drinking at one of their homes. Suddenly, the guest notices two chains hanging from the ceiling, with a log attached to them, and asks:
- What is that?
- Those are talking clocks.
- I don't understand, explain.
So, the guy takes the log, swings it, and smashes it against the wall like a battering ram. Then, a torrent of curses erupts from behind the wall:
- What the hell are you doing? It's already two in the morning!
A Customer (C) comes to a computer store and explains:
C: - Do you offer diagnostics?
My friend (F): - Yes, what's the problem?
C: - My Windows is loading, it shows an error, and then it reboots.
F: - Just reinstall Windows.
C: - What do you mean, reinstall?
F: - Install a new one.
C: - And what should I do with the old one?
From real life.
At a literary evening in one institute, a young poet, overcome with excitement, recited the first line of her poem almost in one breath. She couldn't say anything else because the audience burst out laughing. The line was supposed to be:
- Chop off the wicked head...
In the kindergarten, the children suddenly started swearing. The teacher complained to the director, and he said that last week, two soldiers came to the kindergarten to repair the wiring. Maybe they can explain. They called the soldiers.
- You know, after you came, the children started swearing.
- We didn't say anything like that. I was just standing under the ladder, and Private Sidorov was soldering the wiring. And then I very politely said to him, "Dear friend! Don't you notice that hot solder is dripping down the back of your comrade's neck?".
The teacher drew an apple on the board and asked the children what it was. The children chorused that it was an ass. The teacher was young, she cried and ran to the principal to complain. The principal entered the classroom and said:
You children, why did you upset Marya Ivanovna, and who drew an ass on the board!?
Ангел пропел и полопалась кожа...
Мы выпили жизнь, но не стали мудрей,
Мы прожили смерть, но не стали моложе...
Агата Кристи
Ты должен быть сильным,
Ты должен уметь сказать: Руки прочь, прочь от меня,
Ты должен быть сильным, иначе зачем тебе быть?!
КИНО
The only solace in this joyless camp life was our camp leader, Timur. He had two remarkable qualities – a love for literature and regular seizures, slightly resembling epilepsy. I must say that he didn't have them often – only twice in my memory. Both times, our pioneer leader, Angelina, saved him with a spoon with a drilled handle, which Timur always wore around his neck. True, Angelina first asked the camp director to replace her partner. The director flatly refused, arguing in front of everyone: "Be grateful that I even found someone like that for you in this camp." But we, twelve-year-olds, were not at all bothered by this, but rather, it filled our attitude towards the leader with a certain mystery and romance.
Everything was much more complicated with Timur's love for literature. He turned out to be devoted to one book. Out of all the literature, he loved only one book, reread it regularly, and could recite entire chapters by heart. He was probably also pleased by the fact that he was the namesake of the main character of this immortal work about a red commander and, later, the grandfather of the father of Russian economic reforms in the early nineties. This beautiful pioneer tale resonated so deeply with our leader that he decided to finally make it come true with our help. He was particularly drawn to one fragment. If you remember, in the courtyard of an old, lonely grandfather, the Timurovites managed to stack the scattered firewood into a neat pile in such a way that the grandfather didn't even notice. The grandfather was happy, and the Timurovites were happy too. They did a good deed and remained incognito. According to our Timur, we had to repeat this feat.
He formed a reconnaissance group from the most daring (read: hooligans), who, by order of the leader, were relieved of collecting Colorado potato beetles and sent to the nearest villages with the task: to find a suitable grandfather and try to make contact with him. Timur decided not to inform the higher camp authorities about his plan yet – they would definitely forbid it. And then, as they say, the winners are not judged. The group returned only after dinner, tired, proud, and slightly smelling of beer. During the report to the leader, the senior member of the group looked seriously at Timur, paused dramatically, and said: "We have found a grandfather." Timur happily rubbed his hands – it was working – tell me more.
According to the reconnaissance, the grandfather lived forty minutes' walk from the camp and met all our requirements. True, the scouts failed to make direct contact with the grandfather (apparently, the grandfather had already had repeated experience communicating with the pioneers of our camp, and when one of the scouts approached, waving a heavy stick, he delivered a monologue in which only the words "Go," "Mother," and "Pioneer scum" were printed). However, after questioning the local population, it turned out that the grandfather was abandoned by his family, who had moved to the city, lived alone, and was in dire need of help. But the most interesting thing for us was the pile of firewood stacked in the grandfather's yard and the shed where they could be stacked in a neat pile.
The next day, after breakfast, Timur personally went to conduct reconnaissance of the area before the upcoming operation. He returned for lunch in a state of deep thoughtfulness. Raising his serious eyes to us, he said sadly: "It won't work. The grandfather will notice. No matter what, he will notice. In the two hours that we lay in the nettles with binoculars, he came out into the yard eight times. And it won't be possible to distract him – he's too suspicious." It was easier for the Timurovites – they grew up there, knew the area, and knew the people. But we had no chance, unless... at night.
We set out at 00:30, when it was completely dark, and the camp director was asleep. The Timurovites group consisted of our entire detachment and several people from the older detachment (their leader was friends with Timur). In total, there were about forty people. In complete silence, we followed each other in a chain, deeper into the night forest, feeling like at least scouts going behind enemy lines to conduct reconnaissance in force.
We arrived at the site at half-past one. The grandfather's light was not on. We waited ten minutes, and then infiltrated the yard and lined up in two chains. True, we had to break the locks on the gate and the shed, but that was a minor detail. We dealt with the firewood quickly – in about two hours. No one let us down. Everyone worked as one, and everything went smoothly. Even the locks were put back on for show. At five in the morning, we were all tired but happy, lying on our bunk beds. Timur went through all the rooms and thanked everyone.
It was nice to fall asleep for the remaining three hours, feeling like a real hero – a Timurovite who had done a good deed completely selflessly and remained unknown. Before that, we had only read about such things in books. This could have been the end of the story, but in reality, this story had a continuation.
The next day, the whole village was awakened by the grandfather's shrill cry: "They stole it, damn it, I'll kill them!" After that, the grandfather told the whole village in detail about the pioneers, the cold winter, and the firewood, without which he would freeze "to hell." The neighbors managed to calm the grandfather down after about an hour and a half, promising to help with the firewood and in general, after which the grandfather sighed heavily and went to the shed.
Right from the open gate, the grandfather saw a neatly stacked pile of firewood reaching the ceiling. Even the most seasoned villagers had never heard half of the words that the grandfather uttered during the next twenty minutes.
Well, the Timurovites couldn't have known that there might be something else in the depths of the shed that the grandfather might need. They just couldn't, and what's done is done, because by the third day, the grandfather managed to get to the shovels and other tools, and other things necessary for the difficult rural life appeared after five days. True, he managed to free his motorcycle from the wooden prison only two weeks later, moving the remaining firewood from the shed under a canopy.
P.S. This story reached the camp director. Timur was summoned to his office, where he had his third seizure, after which the director sent him home. The grandfather refused the help offered by the pioneers twice, significantly replenishing the already rich pioneer vocabulary with a multitude of interesting words. As for me, I didn't stay in the camp until the end of the shift. A couple of days later, there was an amnesty in the form of parents' day, and my mother took me back to the dacha.

