Posts from Fun

Dear colleagues, in this thread I suggest posting any humor about Heroes and beyond ;)
For example, jokes and aphorisms:

A man went to the cemetery with his mother-in-law; she says:
- All my friends, acquaintances, and classmates are already here.
Sadness appears on her face, grief in her eyes. Looking at his mother-in-law, the man also begins to sob, tears roll down his cheeks, and the crying turns into wailing. Almost hysterical, he hugs the old woman and, choking back tears, mutters:
- My dear, I beg you, please, don't worry so much... about your peers.

Son, don't swing on Daddy. That's not why he hanged himself...

Winter. Chechnya. At a checkpoint, a sniper soldier (in white camouflage, rifle with optics - the whole deal) reports to the sergeant:
- Comrade sergeant, a fat bearded Wahhabite was crawling toward us, so I slit his throat!
- Idiot! Because of people like you, we haven't had Father Frost for years!

Once, two men decided to persuade one woman. Well, as usual, they bought some drinks and snacks and invited the woman over. And over the course of the evening, with some vodka, good appetizers, and heartfelt conversation, they persuaded half the woman!

- Dad, let's buy a dog!
- No, son.
- But daaaaad, please let's buy a dog!!
- No, we are not buying a dog.
- But Dad, pleaaaase!!!
- No, Kim Lyu Chen, we cannot afford to eat meat every day.

To get a more optimistic life expectancy forecast, don't ask a cuckoo, ask a woodpecker!

- Vovochka, what is the mortality rate in Ethiopia?
- Well... uh... one death per person!

A husband and wife are watching a horror movie. A HORROR appears on the screen.
Wife:
- Oh, mama...
Husband:
- Mother-in-law? Looks like her...

One of the two eternal Russian problems can, in principle, be solved with the help of asphalt pavers and rollers. But as for the roads, of course, it will be more difficult.

Steamships sail by - salute to Kibalchish!
Airplanes fly by - salute to Kibalchish!
Necrophiles are walking... they stopped...

Inscriptions on tombstones:
"Sleep peacefully! The facts were not confirmed!"
"Here lies lawyer Shneerson, whose inconsolable widow holds client appointments at the address..."
"Here lies the famous shell game operator Zhora Agaryan..." On the neighboring slab: "Or here..."
"Not all yogurts are equally healthy..."

- Grandson, let's play! I'll guess where you hid my dentures, and you only answer "warm/cold."
- Okay, Grandpa!
- In your room?
- Cold.
- In the hallway?
- Warm.
- In the toilet?
- Even warmer.
- Near the toilet?
- It's hot now.
- In the cistern?
- Boiling hot. Okay, Grandpa, that's enough, I'll show you myself. Just let me out of the oven!

The patient behaved badly, for which he was operated on a second time.

The autopsy showed that the patient was asleep.

From a wedding speech:
...The Servant of God Mikhail and the Fear of God Natalya are joined in marriage...

- A necrophile is courting my grandmother!
- And what does he do?
- He waits!

When Gerasim was bored in winter, he simply smashed puppies against the ice...

Telegram: To Gerasim. I'm surfacing. Are you glad!?!

A man runs to a doctor with a fork in his stomach:
- Doctor, help!
- I can't! My appointments are over.
- Doctor, please, anything. The doctor pulls out the fork and, stabbing it into the man's eye:
- Go to the ophthalmologist - he's here until 9 PM.

Once, an evil sorceress predicted to a princess that she would fall into an eternal sleep if she pricked her finger on a spindle on her 16th birthday. So, the King father ordered all the princess's fingers to be cut off...

He led such a healthy lifestyle and looked so good that it was simply a pleasure to bury him.

As you meet the New Year, so you deserve.

The death of one person is a tragedy. The death of people is statistics.

A hunter is walking through the forest... Suddenly he sees a hare running. The hunter aims and shoots off the hare's hind legs. The hare, clinging to the ground with its front paws, crawled forward. Then the hunter aimed and shot off the hare's front paws. The hare, clinging to the soil with its ears, continued to crawl forward... Then the hunter aimed and shot off the hare's ears. The hare, digging into the ground with its front teeth, stubbornly crawled forward... The hunter aimed and shot off the hare's front teeth. Then the hare turned to the hunter and said: "Well, why are you picking on me?!!"

Steamships sail – salute to Kibaltchish!
Airplanes fly – salute to Kibaltchish!
Necrophiles walk... They stopped...

Well, as usual, this was the most popular one...

So, I decided to revive the good tradition of the Nival forum and create a similar thread here – about monsters?

Decided to revive a good tradition of the Nival forum and create a similar thread here – about monsters?

And what about it? ;) If the esteemed moderator allows, I'll also open a "chit-chat" thread so that there's a place to talk about unrelated topics, colleague ;)

It's no secret that many chess players are also fans of Heroes.
Here's the opinion of one of the best players from St. Petersburg - Antal:

By the way, what a terrible game chess is!
There's only one map, and it gets boring quickly.
There are only six types of units.
Everyone has the same damage.
You can only upgrade pawns.
There are no health potions. There is no respawn.
The king can only strafe.
You can't rush with pawns at the beginning of the game.
There's only one spell - checkmate.
And most importantly - there's no lava.



_________________
with best regards Antal

And what about this? If the esteemed moderator allows it, I will also open a thread called “chit-chat,” so that there would be a place to talk about unrelated topics, colleague ;).

Will the moderator allow it??? More likely he’ll ban you:D :D :D
Esteemed Necrophile has already created one. So, come here: /topic/246/

>1. A woman never takes off her t-shirt, grabbing it on her back.
>2. Women do not scratch the back of their heads. Firstly, they do not like to demonstrate their
>confusion; secondly, it ruins the hairstyle.
>3. A woman often winds strands of hair, even short ones, around her finger or
>tickles her cheek with a lock of hair. Men rarely do this.
>4. A woman will never truly understand why football players, forming a wall,
>make such a funny mound with their palms. Therefore, she doesn't flinch
>when a hero in a movie takes a boot to the groin.
>5. A woman does not bite a cigarette with her teeth. She does not leave it in her mouth, but
>always holds it in her hand.
>6. When yawning, a woman covers her mouth with her palm, not her fist.
>7. After taking a bath, a woman—regardless of whether she has long hair, a short cut, or
>has recovered from typhus—will inevitably wrap a homemade
>imitation of a turban from a towel around her head, if only for a minute. The reasons for this
>Oriental ritual are unknown.
>8. A woman is hardly irritated when underwear gets stuck between
>the buttocks. The fair sex gladly wears all these torture
>devices called "bikinis." Furthermore, a woman usually does not
>try to discreetly adjust her underwear from behind by standing up from a
>chair.
>9. When winding up to throw something, a woman moves her arm not to the side, but backward.
>That is precisely why ladies are never sent to blow up tanks.
>10. Women like those torn brooms that create so much debris. They
>call them "dried flower compositions."
>11. When shaking hands, a woman barely squeezes it. Regarding the female
>handshake, the poet Voloshin said that it resembles "the tossing of a dead
>infant."
>12. Turning at a call, a woman usually turns only her head. A man
>turns his torso as well, since his neck is far less flexible.
>13. Women are afraid of spiders, worms, and mice. They also dislike caterpillars,
>even very beautiful ones.
>14. The overwhelming majority of women believe that washing with soap and water
>is harmful (To see what exactly they wash with—look in the bathroom).
>15. During sex, a woman thinks about whether she looks beautiful.
>16. When asked to show their hands, men honestly extend open
palms.
>Women extend their hands palms down, apparently to
>demonstrate a flawless manicure and the size of the diamonds.
>17. The words a woman utters after hitting her finger with a hammer could be aired without
>censorship on "Goodnight, Little Ones..." What a man says
>in such cases cannot be broadcast.
>18. Women open beer bottles with beer bottle openers.
>19. Women predominantly have a thoracic type of breathing. In men, the abdominal
>muscles are actively involved in the breathing process.
>20. Women do not like it when their hands are free. Therefore, they always carry a
>handbag—to fidget with its strap, hold its edge, and
>endlessly rummage through it. In the absence of a handbag, anything will do—
>a fan, gloves, a book, a flower.
>21. When ascending or descending a mountain, women try to go sideways. Men
>simply set their legs wider apart.
>22. Women prefer to examine their heels by turning around behind their backs.
>Men simply rotate the lifted foot.
>23. Women have a fairly indifferent, detached attitude toward their genitals; they are
>almost strangers to one another. Women do not converse with them,
do not
>give them playful nicknames, and do not get offended by them.
>24. A woman walks on tiptoes over scorching pebbles or sand. A man
>steps only on his heels.
>25. When sitting, women press their knees together or simply keep them parallel.
Therefore,
>having a lady as a neighbor in public transport is preferable.
>26. When stretching, men spread or raise their arms, while women bend
>them at the elbows, pressing them to their sides.
>27. The drive for compromise inherent in the female sex is evident in how
they
>tell dirty jokes. They may decide to tell even the lewdest joke in public.
>But they will mutter the keyword so indistinctly that
>no one will understand anything.
> Even more often, they try to convey the indecent nuance through facial expressions, gestures,
>and a desperate look on their face.
>28. Women tie the belt of a bathrobe above the navel, while men tie it below.
>29. If a woman's fly comes undone in the street, she will treat this circumstance
>quite indifferently and calmly zip up her trousers.
>30. Women plug their ears with fingers, while men use their palms.
>31. When you ask a woman to pass you a lighter, she passes you
>the lighter, rather than testing your jumpiness and reaction.
>32. If, from the women's point of view, man has progressed very little in the process
of evolution
>from the monkey, then we, for our part, can also note some
>atavisms inherited by our ladies from four-armed ancestors.
>For example, spending hours searching for insects in the fur of
>their male. In the absence of small arthropods, women
>satisfy themselves with moles and pimples.
>33. When dressing, a woman puts on her shirt first, then her trousers. Men usually
>do the opposite.
>34. A woman puts on gloves before going outside.
>35. When lifting a heavy object, a woman will try to shift it to the side.
>A man carries the load in front of him.
>36. Women prefer to keep coins and large bills in the same
>place. Their pockets rarely jingle.
>37. When punching, a woman puts her thumb forward.
>38. When women sit, they have a habit of tucking a leg under themselves and
>pressing the heel into the groin. Men do not allow themselves to do this.
>39. To wring out wet laundry by hand, a woman takes hold of it palms
>up, a man—palms down.
>40. And one more thing: after sex, a woman wants not to sleep, but to talk and kiss.

Men's Dreams

> AVIATION
> I am flying on a plane. A stunning girl from the seat opposite is staring
> intently at me. After a silent dialogue, we retire... to the restroom, where else.
> Inner voice: On a plane, seats are arranged so that passengers do not
see
> each other.
>
> BOUNTY STYLE
> She and I are on a deserted island. At first she is cautious, but then
> she realizes that I am the man of her dreams. Especially since there are no other men here. In
> the light of the setting sun, I begin to kiss her supple body..
> Inner voice: No hygiene, no condoms, and in general, you're such a
> lucky guy that on a deserted island you could only end up with Whoopi
> Goldberg.
>
> UNFULFILLED
> The math teacher decided to give me some extra tutoring. My God,
> why is she locking the door? It can't be! Irina Vladimirovna! What
> are you doing? Irina Vladi...
> Inner voice: ... and then she will go home to her husband, children, and grandchildren.
>
> RESORT
> My wife and I are staying in a hotel where all the rooms are identical. Leaving a party,
I
> throw myself onto the bed. A sexy hot body presses against me. By the light of
> the moon - it's not my wife, it's that blonde from the party!
> Inner voice: And where is your wife during this time?!
>
> SPORTY
> I come to a workout and see the coach of the women's fitness group
> training in the gym. She lures me into the locker room to show me the capabilities
> of her body.
> Inner voice: All that's left is to figure out why on earth you went to a
> workout. To show the capabilities of your belly?
>
> RAILWAY
> The neighbor in my compartment closes her book and turns off the light. A minute later, her fingers
> unbutton my shirt. Until morning, our bodies move in time with the clatter of the
railway
> wheels.
> Inner voice: Sounds like a fairy tale. But it could have happened if you
> had bought an SV ticket just once.
>
> NABOKOVian
> This has never happened to me before. She doesn't even seem to be 17 yet. In her school
> uniform, she looks so innocent... And she looks at me as if I were the
> Lord God to her.
> Inner voice: Buddy, I don't want to upset you, but school uniforms
> were abolished 10 years ago.
>
> CLASSY
> At a reception, I find myself at a table with an oligarch's wife. To her husband, she is just
> a beautiful figurine that he boasts about to his partners. But I
feel
> something completely different. And now we are making love in the corridors - desperately,
> frantically, as if for the last time.
> Inner voice: It seems you don't know what "corridors" are. But the point about the
last
> time is spot on.
>
> FUTURISTIC
> Something terrible happened: all men on Earth died out from an unknown disease. On
> me lies a huge burden of responsibility. I am the one who must restore the human race.
> The most beautiful women on the planet sign up for appointments with me months
> in advance. But this one, perhaps, I'll take without a queue. Hello,
> Angelina Jolie.
> Inner voice: Hello, delirium tremens and little green men.
>
> MEDICAL
> I am lying in the hospital with a broken leg. It's a day off. My roommates have gone
> home. There are no doctors. In the entire ward there are only two of us - me and a young
> nurse in a white coat. Under which, as I just discovered, there is nothing.
> Inner voice: You can't even imagine how painful it is to do that with a
broken leg. I recommend a runny nose.
>
> WORKPLACE
> A pretty young lady from the office unexpectedly invites me to her birthday party.
But,
> when I arrive, it turns out that no one besides us is at this birthday party.
And in general, there is no birthday party. There is only a meeting of two
> hearts longing for a holiday.
> Inner voice: Are you talking about Maria Fedotovna from the watch? She's been longing for a
holiday for about 30 years. Decided to do some
charity?
>
> PEASANT
> "Master, what are you doing, master," she whispers, looking at me piteously with her blue eyes.
> But I greedily kiss her lips, and she forgets everything,
> casting aside the moral principles of the early 19th century.
> Inner voice: Serfs had a hard life, that's for sure. And you yourself are not
from
the nobility, if you remember.
>
> CAPITALIST
> I am the owner of a small company. Every day one of the employees fixes her
> hair, makes duck lips, and enters my office. For the next 40
> minutes, I don't exist for anyone...
> Inner voice: Maria Fedotovna from the watch is unlikely to do such a thing. She is a woman of strict moral principles. A former Voroshilov shooter in the past.
>
> HIGH-SPEED
> I am speeding down the autobahn. My Porsche needs only a few seconds to
> reach a speed of 150... 160... 190... She - a brunette in a red dress
caresses
> my little friend. 195... 196... 200!
> Inner voice: The little friend is indeed not very big - and that's the only
realistic detail in this scenario.
>
> CULTURALLY-MULTICULTURAL
> I am Van Gogh. I spend my days and nights in Haiti. From time to time, one of the sultry
> Haitians removes her clothes and presses against me, letting me know that she
> wants affection from the great artist.
> Inner voice: Write 50 times: "I will never confuse Van Gogh with
Gauguin, or Haiti with Tahiti".
>
> CINEMATOGRAPHIC
> I've heard that Indian women know a thing or two about sex, but now I know for sure that only here could the "Kama Sutra" have been written. She is just unwinding her sari,
> and I am already aching with desire.
> Inner voice: Friend, be extremely careful. If you believe Indian
movies, you might turn out to be her long-lost brother!
>
> TECHNOGENIC
> She is tied to the bed, me? To a platform attached to the ceiling.
The platform
> lowers and rises. The tension builds. She wants me insanely, I want
her. With an incredible effort of will, I break my bonds...
> Inner voice: Listen, are you sure we didn't have any psychological trauma in childhood?
>
> HITCHHIKING
> I give her a ride, she smiles at my jokes. She is a student traveling by hitchhiking.
"By the way," she asks, "how do you feel about some gorgeous sex right now?" Needless to say, I turn off the road and
stop.
> Inner voice: I wonder how many people this cheerful girl has already smiled at on the road?
>
> NEW YEAR'S
> A lonely New Year's Eve. A knock at the door. Behind the door stands Snegurochka in a short red coat, from under which long-long legs stretch.
> The year promises to be good!
> Inner voice: Don't even think about removing the chain from the door - Father Frost with a heavy
sack is standing right there.
>
> DIVINATION
> For my birthday, friends decided to give me an unusual gift. They blindfolded
me and left the room. But not all of them. Someone stayed. Someone who gave
me unforgettable sensations. I'll probably never know who it was.
> Dasha?
> Nadya?
> Inner voice: Misha?!
>
> INTERNATIONAL FRIENDSHIP
> My palm strokes her black skin, and again and again I am filled with desire.
> The best thing in this life is a woman with black skin.
> Inner voice: Whoopi Goldberg after all. I knew it.
>
> FAIRY TALE
> I am wearing a bear mask. My girlfriend has long red hair and trusting brown
eyes. "Who ate from my bowl?" I growl. Of course, it was her. And as punishment,
she
> will sleep in my little bed.
> Inner voice: The question of psychological trauma is settled. There was a trauma - there can be no doubt.
>
> PRIMITIVE
> I throw the deer I caught to the campfire. My wife approaches, her body wraps
around my powerful torso. I possess her on a tiger skin and think:
> "The best man gets the best women. This is fair".
> Inner voice: If you call a pear-shaped expansion of the body from the hips to the solar plexus a torso, then in terms of torso power, not everyone can compare with you, of course.

GASTRONOMIC
Her body is completely covered in whipped cream. My hand slips off her
flat stomach. I try to collect the cream with my lips. And it seems to me that she is the sweetest woman in my life.
Inner voice: I know you: in the end, you'll eat so much that you won't have any strength left for anything else.

The bouquets are gone,
the SMS messages, the boasting, the candies,
the congratulations, the wishes,
the arguments, the shouting, the breakups,
Why didn't you call?
You jerk, you forgot me!
You bastard, you don't love me!
How are the carnations? What is this?
Where's the fur coat? You promised!
Did you congratulate Klava too?
Who were you calling all evening?
What meeting are you talking about?
I want it like in that commercial!
And where's the gift for Mom?
Did we avoid a heart attack?
Happy 9th of March, guys!)))

They brought a newspaper to work today, and there's an article there.
Here are some gems:
"- But the law doesn't explicitly prohibit it, right? - I ask the city prosecutor, Oleg Vasiliev. - After all, one of the main legal principles that applies to citizens is that if something isn't prohibited, it's allowed.

- That's incorrect," the prosecutor told me. - "What isn't allowed is prohibited."

So, you need permission to breathe.
:eek:

"- Now that we'

Комиксы по Heroes Of MIght and Magic 5:

/topic/at/7477/

Here's how heroes from different factions would react if: A fallen tree blocks the road. - The Knight would pray to Elrath to grant his peasants magical strength, after which they would quickly saw it into logs. - The Mage would open a book and choose the most intricate spell, then calmly move it to another location with the power of his mind. - The Elf would talk to the tree. Maybe it will agree to move to another location? Or will its companions move it? - The Dark Elf would snap her snake whip, after which the minotaurs would carry her over the obstacle. - The Demon would burn the tree. And also all the trees in the area, villages, castles, cities, kill all the animals, birds, and other creatures, after which, with a sense of duty fulfilled, he would continue on his way. - The Necromancer would stroll to the nearest cemetery. He passes by a tower with a princess imprisoned inside. - The Knight would break into the tower and save the princess. - The Mage would continue on his way. Young women no longer interest him. - The Elf would charm the beautiful woman and spend the night drinking wine with her, telling hunting stories. - The Dark Elf would talk to her all night about how men are such jerks. - The Demon would destroy the tower and kill the princess. And everyone else who happens to be in the way. - The Necromancer would stroll to the nearest cemetery. He doesn't need a princess. A bloodthirsty monster swoops down from the sky and attacks the hero: - The Knight draws his trusty sword and kills the monster. After which, the peasants' "morale" sharply increases. - The Mage doesn't bother with such nonsense. Why, may I ask, does he always travel with Titans? - The Elf hides, and after an hour of fruitless searching, the hungry monster goes away. Hopefully, without an arrow in its rear. - The Dark Elf doesn't pay any attention. After all, it's HER pet Black Dragon, who just felt like playing. - The Demon does what he always does. One more roasted carcass. - The Necromancer doesn't care at all. He has already strolled to the cemetery. If you say "Hello," you are answered: - Greetings, noble sir. May the blessing of Elrath be upon you. - How pleasant to meet such a worthy and polite man in this wonderful, delightful place. - Ho, my pale-faced, pointy-eared friend. - How dare you, worm, address a servant of Malassa without permission! Execute him! - Aaaarrrrggghhh!!! *after which you are killed. Just like that, as a warm-up* - It's too late to worry about my health," replies the necromancer, thoughtfully looking you up and down. Author: Fagotin Actions of heroes if they need to screw in a light bulb: - The Knight will not screw in the light bulb; he will train the peasants to become electricians, and they will screw in all the light bulbs they can reach. - The Mage will not screw in the light bulb; he will quickly assemble a glowing mini-artifact and give it to the gremlins to carry and light up. - The Demon will not screw in the light bulb; he will burn everything in the room, as well as all the rooms in the area, villages, castles, cities, kill all the animals, birds, and other creatures, after which, with a sense of duty fulfilled, he will continue on his way, enjoying the light of the fires. - The Elf will not screw in the light bulb; real Indians can see perfectly well in the dark. - The Warlock - while the minotaurs screw in the light bulb, he will cast empowered light on it, so brightly that the villages in the area will think a new sun has risen. - The Necromancer - why is that annoying light even needed?

Dedicated to the magnificent AI of the third...
...events are fictional; any resemblance to real persons is coincidental...

- Nothing's working! - Kol..ev, a gamer with years of experience, irritably pushed the keyboard away from him, - This fight is impossible to pull off! I shouldn't have entered the crypt. What good is this fucking unicorn helmet now when morale is in the minus? I'll have to retreat before the battle ends.
- Don't flame, we'll do it now, - Gr..in, the boss of the local sandbox, approached, - we've pulled off tougher fights than this. Are you going in with dendroids first? Try pulling them toward the elves, and when the pegasi fly in on the second turn, bind them and pull the elves back.
- But if the pegasi reach them, they halve the elves, - Kol..ev countered, - I've replayed this fight six times already.
- Yeah, I saw, I saw. Look: our elves are upgraded, they won't let the dendroids get close, you dig?
- Well, then the centaurs will run in and block the shooters anyway.
- They won't block them, - Gr..in began to get heated, - by that time you'll finish off the pegasi and bind the centaurs with the remaining dendroids.
- Maybe use magic on them? - I timidly spoke up. To say I knew a little about the game back then would be a great exaggeration of reality. I sometimes watched how my older brother, the aforementioned Kol..ev, snorted with passion, sending dragons at goblins, goblins at orcs, and orcs to hell, and once, in secret from him, I even tried playing myself and (I considered it a great achievement then) lasted two weeks. I didn't understand why I had no dragons in my Castle, though, and couldn't capture a single mine, but I did learn how to buy out troops.
Both great gamers stared at me with contempt.
- Well, if you're so smart, why aren't you wearing a striped shirt and marching in formation? - Gr..in asked me snidely. He was very proud of being the oldest in our group and strove to be the leader in everything. Even now he was demonstrating his—as he called it in others—"donkey-mindedness" and knowledge, or so he thought, of national cinematic classics.
I was wearing a striped shirt, and I even opened my mouth to point this fact out to these two jerks, but I changed my mind. As my brief life experience showed, such attempts to prove one's rightness had yet to lead to anything good. But that didn't save me.
- Well, if he's so smart, let him try it himself, - my brother suggested, glancing snidely in my direction, - and we'll go have some beer in the meantime, since our throats are already dry.
- Exactly, exactly, that'd be like, cool, - Gr..in supported him, parodying either Beavis or Butt-Head, - bet he can't even wipe out the pegasi at the computer?
- No, he'll wipe the pegasi, but not the elves, - my brother replied, loading a save.
- He won't wipe the pegasi! I bet a case of beer! - Gr..in shouted excitedly.
My brother thought for a minute.
- Deal. He'll wipe the pegasi, - after which he turned his gaze to me, - Well, go on... hero... Just try not to wipe those pegasi...
The hairs that had started to stir on my head finally stood on end. I cast a mournful glance at the door, but my legs firmly—or rather, softly—refused to help me escape. I had a vague suspicion that they were about to refuse to support my torso above floor level altogether. If it weren't for the chair helpfully pushed forward by my brother, I simply don't know how this would have ended.
Two elven armies lined up on the monitor screen before my eyes. A cursory glance at them revealed no differences in quality or quantity. I found out later that the greyish land with bones where the troops stood was called "cursed" and negated the advantages of my commander, a high-level mage. The opponent, however, had an expert in tactics and leadership, further loaded to the brim with artifacts increasing morale and luck. Some of my troops were upgraded, though; and I had slightly more gnomes (as my brother affectionately called them—homos).
- Well, what are you stalling for, - Gr..in's shout broke me out of contemplating this idyll, - his pegasi have already waited, move your own.
With a trembling hand, I grabbed the mouse and clicked somewhere in the middle of the field. Immediately, comments followed behind my back, interspersed with the periodic glugging of beer being swallowed:
- Well... Not bad... Look, on the next turn he reaches the shooters...
- Sucks! His pegasi are gonna rip him apart now!
- Then he'll shoot at them with elves in a straight line.
- No, his elves will fire first.
- Ah! I get it! Now the computer will bring centaurs to him, he wants to take them out first!
- No way, he'll move the pegasi and reach the centaurs with gnomes if luck is on his side...
Then it hit me. With a serious expression, I turned to the arguers and growled:
- Well, why are you interfering with my thinking? I don't like it when people peek! Go drink in the kitchen.
To my great surprise, it worked.
- True, let's go to the kitchen, - my brother said, - we'll smoke outside. He'll be messing around for half an hour anyway.
- Exactly, exactly... He-he... - Beavis... I mean Gr..in, clucked.
The great players, granting me arrogant looks upon departure and letting out a couple more jokes, left. Once I was sure of this fact, I closed the door tightly, pressed "Autocombat," and, curling up in the chair, covered my face with my hands. Joyless and slightly strange images floated before me: surviving pegasi drinking beer by the case with Gr..in, my brother firing twice at dendroids, two homos... that is, gnomes...
A nudge on the door brought me back to life. Quickly turning off "Autocombat," I glanced at the screen—the battle was still going. Then I turned to those who had entered...
You should have seen it. Before the eyes of the astonished gamers, my last six gnomes were cheerfully beating five weakly resisting enemy elves. The final touch was a lone wounded dendroid with 3 hit points of health, rushing to take part in the slaughter of the unfortunate elves. The jaws of the titled players only didn't hit the floor because there was a thick carpet on it.
To Gr..in's credit, he was the first to recover.
- You... - he said hoarsely, - ah, damn! Clearing his throat, he continued: - You better pull that dendroid back. They'll finish him off.
- Well, - my brother, not yet recovered, supported him not very confidently, - they'll finish him off for sure. For sure... Drink beer... By the way, Gr..in, looks like you owe a case of beer. Or am I wrong?

Added after 33 seconds
The Teetotaler Society has come out categorically against the new computer game "HoMM 4". In their view, the game is propaganda for the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages and completely disorients the younger generation regarding the mechanism and results of its effect on the body. How else to explain numerous examples in the game where a hero who has drunk a bottle, having fallen after a hit, immediately stands back up? The now significantly diminished Teetotaler Society appeals to our youth: do not believe it! A person who has drunk a bottle falls BEFORE the hit, and does not stand up again! Former members of the society have repeatedly tested this on themselves...

How to tell a fourth hero from a third? The third always walks with someone: a dog, for example, or a wife. If you suggest that the hero part with his companion and he cannot—then he is one of the thirds. However, one should be careful: have you perhaps encountered an unorganized screaming herd at times, moving slowly along an uneven trajectory and scaring away lonely wandering peaceful units? No, this is not a Barbarian hero from the thirds who gathered a crowd of screamers in the Stronghold and is going to wipe out necros. Usually, this cluster, which cannot exist as individual specimens, turns out to be a bunch of fourth heroes (without monsters) who have had too many bottles per snout and consequently cannot move independently toward their home Castle.

Added after 33 seconds
A Barbarian is sitting in a tavern, drinking beer. He wants to go to the toilet. He thinks:
- Yeah, I'll go now, someone will drink my beer...
He sees an elf sitting at the next table.
- Listen, brother, watch my beer, I'll be right back.
The elf sits there—he wants a drink, then a leprechaun enters.
- Hey, why are you just sitting here?
- Just watching some barb's beer...
- Let's play a prank and drink his beer!!!
- No way—he'll come back and beat us both up...
- Come on, we'll think of something...
Anyway, they drank the beer. The elf says:
- Well, what do we do now?
- Let's do this—the barb comes back, asks where the beer is, you say "Wwwell...", and I'll come out and cover for you!!!
The barb returns.
- Listen, where's the beer?
- Wwwell....
The leprechaun enters:
- What "WELL", where's the beer????

Added after 56 seconds
A little son asks his Hero father:
- Dad, what is an "alternative"?
The latter chewed his lips, thought, and said:
- Well, how to explain it so you'd get it... For example, say you decided to wipe out your neighbor. You save money, save resources, and build the Hydra Pond...
- So, - says the impatient son, - is the Hydra Pond the alternative?
- No, - his father answers, - don't interrupt. Now you've built the Hydra Pond, waited a bit, and bought, say, fifty hydras...
- Ah! I get it! - says the little son, - the alternative is the hydra, right?
- No, not the hydra, - says the father, - Well, you bought fifty hydras and charged at the neighbor. But that scoundrel has Armageddon's Blade...
- Hm, - the confused little son intervenes hesitantly, - then, probably, Armageddon's Blade is the alternative?
- No, son, - the father sighs sorrowfully. - And your neighbor wipes out all your damn troops on the third turn...
After a long pause, the son decides to break the silence and cautiously asks:
- Dad... Uh, dad... I still don't understand—what is an alternative?
- An alternative, son, - his father answers firmly, - is whatever the hell you want!

Added after 36 seconds
Rename "Order" castle to "Unity", "Chaos" castle to "CPRF", "Death" castle to "LDPR", "Power" castle to "Motherland", "Nature" castle to "Apple", "Life" castle to "SPS". All creatures outside the castle are to be considered single-mandate representatives.

Added after 1 minute
A genie decided to get a job as a bodyguard. He sends out resumes via ads: claiming he is compact, half-air, knows special moves—song of peace, slow... In short, a dream guard. All employers seem to bite at first and invite him for an interview, but as soon as they see him, immediately:
- Ah... But you're blue... We don't take those.
The genie got tired of this, and preparing for a meeting with another employer, dove into a barrel of tar. He arrives, and Michael Jackson is sitting there and tells him right from the threshold:
- Oooh... Blackened... We don't take those.
The genie smeared himself in lime. He comes to a meeting—Gupi Voldberg is sitting there:
- Uh... Sorry, we don't take those.
Out of desperation, the genie bought all sorts of paints and smeared himself like the ultimate punk in all the colors of the rainbow. He comes to be hired, Maurice Boiseev meets him and:
- Ew, dis-gusting... We don't ta-ake those...

P.S. Any resemblance to real persons or surnames is coincidental.
P.P.S. In case this text infringes on anyone's rights and freedoms, I allow the mods to delete it without trial or investigation.
P.P.P.S. (Not to be confused with the USSR) Don't get angry. It's just a joke...

Added after 1 minute
- Tell me, what do you value most in vod... I mean, in Heroes?
- Of course, their solidity, the transparency... uh... of the Gameplay, the sensations—that's also important, yes, because bad Heroes can give bad sensations, especially in the mornings. I love taking an unopened pack of Heroes, slowly tearing off the wrapper... Then that sound of the opening bottl... sorry, box, the bitter aroma of a fresh disc... The first campaign...
- By the way, about the first one. What do you usually say when starting a new campaign?
- Well, we French are a passionate people, as you know. Sometimes you don't even have time to say anything—bam, and it's done... Here, the main thing is the snack; I mean, chewing something in front of the monitor, you know, like Americans with their popcorn... And bad habits are sometimes useful...
- As they say here in Russia, between the first and second there's a small break...
- ...So that the bullet doesn't have time to whistle? Yes, yes, we say that too. Yes, campaigns in Heroes are such that you surprise yourself. By looks—a full-weight campaign, you think, now while I complete it... Then look—and it's already gone! Now you have to start a third one...
- Well, the campaigns are clear. What about singles?
- No, no, singles are not interesting. While we are in company... Do you get my pun? Ha-ha! I think we'll smoke now and continue... about campaigns. Am I the producer or what, from end to end? In my opinion, there's still a bit left at the bottom of the box...
- Holy cow, "a bit"! There's more than one time's worth left, after all, the volume is... A gigabyte for two—that's not just scratching your navel with a dirty finger. And what will be the volume of the new... uh, what are they called? Ah, these Heroes!
- Well, the volume is as always. No matter what volume of Heroes you make, you always have to run for... patches more than once. And here you have to be careful not to make a mistake, otherwise you'll take the wrong one and it won't fit well on the previous one... Not much pleasure in that.
- We're talking about sad things. Since it came up, we can drink to those who are no longer with us... I mean, did you meet the ZDO-ers?
- I don't remember—probably was... uh, very busy, didn't notice. To hell with them... Instead of setting up a proper AI... They, damn it, some kind of bootleg... console...
- Well, that's right, screw them... Now listen here. We seem to have a genre crisis—the box is almost empty...
- What are you talking about? I have money like a lord, ha-ha! Which lord? Well, from Heroes, some monster or something... Damn, it's stuck... Screw it anyway! Is there anywhere around here to get a patch in the middle of the game?
- Whoa! Now that's our man! High five! What was your name again? Oh, I'll call you Fambik! Or Kambik! Deal? Good boy!
- Give me a high five! I respect Russians too... They, damn it, just... drown out Heroes... I'm just amazed. And they always want new ones. No, damn, well done...

Added after 1 minute
One druid is walking toward another, all in bandages, arm in a cast. The other asks him:
- What happened to you?
- You remember I used to collect earth elementals?
- Yeah.
- I kept them in an enclosure, and they couldn't get out—it was protected by magic. And they really wanted to escape.
- So what?
- Well. The gamer installed TGS, and nothing happened; then he installed WoW, survived that too.
- AND ???
- And then he installed Equilibris...

Added after 43 seconds
Ubisoft let beta testers try out new Heroes. After a couple of days of playing, several of the lucky few meet and exchange their first impressions. One says:
- Ubisoft made some really unbalanced heroes. I tried playing as Kira, and absolutely every neutral unit I encountered joined me!
- What's that? - another replies, - I played as Sir Mullich. Under his leadership, my dwarves would run up to the enemy archangels, hit them, and run back to their position so fast that the others didn't even have time to respond!
The third tester remained silent for a while, then finally spoke:
- Nah, crappy game. I couldn't even properly play with my favorite Solmyr.
The first two ask him:
- What's the matter? Solmyr is supposed to be awesome...
- Oh yeah, as awesome as it gets, - the third replies. - Do you even know what a chain lightning hitting 36 squads looks like? Even a hero on horseback got hit a couple of times...

Added after 1 minute
After visiting the blacksmith, a Knight receives a bill:
"For hammer strike - 3 zlotys. For searching for the spot for an accurate
hammer strike - 97 zlotys. Total - 100 zlotys".


Lord:
- Barbarian, your last three wishes.
- Any?
- Yes!
Barbarian:
- An axe, armor, and hold on tight, you bastards!

Lord:
- You have committed eight robberies in one week. Is that even possible?
Thief:
- I worked day and night, your honor. If everyone labored as I do, our kingdom would have been on the path to prosperity long ago.


Witness, do you know the defendant?
- Of course, very well! For a while, we worked together in the Castle.
- How was that?
- One night I sneaked into the castle, and he was already there cracking the treasury. I had to help.

Tavern owner to a hero:
- I hasten to bring you joyful news. I was just in the kitchen, and they told me that you were right: you weren't given soup, but slops!

- Knight!
- Present!
- Mage!
- Present!
- Barbarian!
- Mine!
- What "Mine"?
- Yes sir!
- What "Yes sir"?
- Hurrah-aaaaaaa!!!

Two thieves are sitting in a port tavern.
- You had lunch at a restaurant today!
- How do you know?
- You have a new coat.

A peasant looks into a well: it's deep.
He shouts:
- Deep!
Echo:
- ...deep...
He shouts again:
- Deep!
Echo:
- Deep...
- Deep!
- ...deep...
He throws a bucket into the well and pulls it out. He shouts:
- Got it!
Echo:
- ...deep...
He thinks and thinks, then shouts again:
- Deep!
Echo:
- GOT IT!!!

In a crowded tavern, a druid falls right on top of a monk.
- Whoa! whoa!
And looks at him in surprise.
- Not "whoa whoa"! But the key to the Temple!

Here's a joke! It's a bit silly.
-Hello, I'm a peaceful atom.
-And why do you need an axe?
-You clearly don't know much about peaceful atoms!:D

In the middle of the ocean, a Russian submarine surfaces: rusty and worn... A crew emerges on deck, matching the submarine's appearance: ushankas, felt boots, jackets... The captain lines them up and sternly asks:
- Who threw a felt boot at the control panel?
Silence...
- I'm asking again: who threw a felt boot at the control panel?!
Nearby, an American submarine surfaces: gleaming and sparkling... A crew emerges on deck, dressed accordingly: caps, collars... Their captain makes a single gesture, and they all line up in a perfect row. The American looks at our crew and casually remarks:
- Well, in America...
- There is no America anymore! WHO

aha, by the way! there's another version of your joke!
In the Main Headquarters, the General is really angry: Who threw a slipper on the control panel? I'm asking, who did it? Never mind America, but there should be discipline!!