Posts from Fun

It's not new, but I really like it...:rolleyes:

In the kindergarten, the children suddenly started swearing. The teacher complained to the director, and he said that last week, two soldiers came to the kindergarten to repair the wiring. Maybe they can explain. They called the soldiers.
- You know, after you came, the children started swearing.
- We didn't say anything like that. I was just standing under the ladder, and Private Sidorov was soldering the wiring. And then I very politely said to him, "Dear friend! Don't you notice that hot solder is dripping down the back of your comrade's neck?".

Here's another anecdote...

The teacher drew an apple on the board and asked the children what it was. The children chorused that it was an ass. The teacher was young, she cried and ran to the principal to complain. The principal entered the classroom and said:
You children, why did you upset Marya Ivanovna, and who drew an ass on the board!?

There wasn't much entertainment in our camp, to be precise, only one thing – a labor detachment. Twice a day, we went to the fields of the nearest collective farm and diligently fulfilled the quota of collecting Colorado potato beetles in old tin cans, which had multiplied incredibly that year. We had an incentive: the pioneer who collected the most was allowed to light a fire, in which all the unfortunate arthropods we had collected were mercilessly burned. I don't even want to remember the leisure activities before bedtime, even now.
The only solace in this joyless camp life was our camp leader, Timur. He had two remarkable qualities – a love for literature and regular seizures, slightly resembling epilepsy. I must say that he didn't have them often – only twice in my memory. Both times, our pioneer leader, Angelina, saved him with a spoon with a drilled handle, which Timur always wore around his neck. True, Angelina first asked the camp director to replace her partner. The director flatly refused, arguing in front of everyone: "Be grateful that I even found someone like that for you in this camp." But we, twelve-year-olds, were not at all bothered by this, but rather, it filled our attitude towards the leader with a certain mystery and romance.
Everything was much more complicated with Timur's love for literature. He turned out to be devoted to one book. Out of all the literature, he loved only one book, reread it regularly, and could recite entire chapters by heart. He was probably also pleased by the fact that he was the namesake of the main character of this immortal work about a red commander and, later, the grandfather of the father of Russian economic reforms in the early nineties. This beautiful pioneer tale resonated so deeply with our leader that he decided to finally make it come true with our help. He was particularly drawn to one fragment. If you remember, in the courtyard of an old, lonely grandfather, the Timurovites managed to stack the scattered firewood into a neat pile in such a way that the grandfather didn't even notice. The grandfather was happy, and the Timurovites were happy too. They did a good deed and remained incognito. According to our Timur, we had to repeat this feat.
He formed a reconnaissance group from the most daring (read: hooligans), who, by order of the leader, were relieved of collecting Colorado potato beetles and sent to the nearest villages with the task: to find a suitable grandfather and try to make contact with him. Timur decided not to inform the higher camp authorities about his plan yet – they would definitely forbid it. And then, as they say, the winners are not judged. The group returned only after dinner, tired, proud, and slightly smelling of beer. During the report to the leader, the senior member of the group looked seriously at Timur, paused dramatically, and said: "We have found a grandfather." Timur happily rubbed his hands – it was working – tell me more.
According to the reconnaissance, the grandfather lived forty minutes' walk from the camp and met all our requirements. True, the scouts failed to make direct contact with the grandfather (apparently, the grandfather had already had repeated experience communicating with the pioneers of our camp, and when one of the scouts approached, waving a heavy stick, he delivered a monologue in which only the words "Go," "Mother," and "Pioneer scum" were printed). However, after questioning the local population, it turned out that the grandfather was abandoned by his family, who had moved to the city, lived alone, and was in dire need of help. But the most interesting thing for us was the pile of firewood stacked in the grandfather's yard and the shed where they could be stacked in a neat pile.
The next day, after breakfast, Timur personally went to conduct reconnaissance of the area before the upcoming operation. He returned for lunch in a state of deep thoughtfulness. Raising his serious eyes to us, he said sadly: "It won't work. The grandfather will notice. No matter what, he will notice. In the two hours that we lay in the nettles with binoculars, he came out into the yard eight times. And it won't be possible to distract him – he's too suspicious." It was easier for the Timurovites – they grew up there, knew the area, and knew the people. But we had no chance, unless... at night.
We set out at 00:30, when it was completely dark, and the camp director was asleep. The Timurovites group consisted of our entire detachment and several people from the older detachment (their leader was friends with Timur). In total, there were about forty people. In complete silence, we followed each other in a chain, deeper into the night forest, feeling like at least scouts going behind enemy lines to conduct reconnaissance in force.
We arrived at the site at half-past one. The grandfather's light was not on. We waited ten minutes, and then infiltrated the yard and lined up in two chains. True, we had to break the locks on the gate and the shed, but that was a minor detail. We dealt with the firewood quickly – in about two hours. No one let us down. Everyone worked as one, and everything went smoothly. Even the locks were put back on for show. At five in the morning, we were all tired but happy, lying on our bunk beds. Timur went through all the rooms and thanked everyone.
It was nice to fall asleep for the remaining three hours, feeling like a real hero – a Timurovite who had done a good deed completely selflessly and remained unknown. Before that, we had only read about such things in books. This could have been the end of the story, but in reality, this story had a continuation.
The next day, the whole village was awakened by the grandfather's shrill cry: "They stole it, damn it, I'll kill them!" After that, the grandfather told the whole village in detail about the pioneers, the cold winter, and the firewood, without which he would freeze "to hell." The neighbors managed to calm the grandfather down after about an hour and a half, promising to help with the firewood and in general, after which the grandfather sighed heavily and went to the shed.
Right from the open gate, the grandfather saw a neatly stacked pile of firewood reaching the ceiling. Even the most seasoned villagers had never heard half of the words that the grandfather uttered during the next twenty minutes.
Well, the Timurovites couldn't have known that there might be something else in the depths of the shed that the grandfather might need. They just couldn't, and what's done is done, because by the third day, the grandfather managed to get to the shovels and other tools, and other things necessary for the difficult rural life appeared after five days. True, he managed to free his motorcycle from the wooden prison only two weeks later, moving the remaining firewood from the shed under a canopy.
P.S. This story reached the camp director. Timur was summoned to his office, where he had his third seizure, after which the director sent him home. The grandfather refused the help offered by the pioneers twice, significantly replenishing the already rich pioneer vocabulary with a multitude of interesting words. As for me, I didn't stay in the camp until the end of the shift. A couple of days later, there was an amnesty in the form of parents' day, and my mother took me back to the dacha.

The grumpy first mate comes to the compartment to inspect the equipment. Everything is gleaming, everywhere is spotless, there's nothing to criticize. Then he reaches far behind the pipes, wipes off the remaining dust with his finger, and turns to the sailor with a malicious grin. - Comrade sailor! Do you know a suitable Russian folk proverb for this situation? - Yes, sir! A pig will find dirt everywhere! *** The Little Mermaid tells Neptune the news: - And I did a good deed today! - What is it, my dear? - The sailors were leading some animal along the seabed on a leash, so I unhooked it and let it go... - My dear, it's good to do good deeds, but don't do it again: they were lowering a diver to the bottom... *** The navigator has a long-awaited vacation. He lies on the couch for a week, then another. Finally, his wife couldn't stand it anymore and started to get nervous: - ...Look, Lena's husband is a cargo hold worker; he came home from the sea and replaced the pipes in the bathroom, installed new plumbing. Masha's husband is an electrician; he fixed the outlets and rewired the entire house. Why don't you do something too? The husband gets up from the couch and stretches: - Okay, you convinced me. Bring me a thermos of coffee and binoculars on the balcony, and I'll go and work...

Friends! Finally, we learned the name of Chuck Norris's main enemy (which, by the way, explains one of the facts about Chuck). 1. In his numerous pockets, Anatoly Wasserman keeps dead kittens and hamsters. 2. Anatoly Wasserman is the father of Nikolai Valuev. 3. Anatoly Wasserman has 7 brains, one in his head, 5 scattered in his pockets, and one in his beard. 4. Anatoly Wasserman was photographed while having sex with Valeria Novodvorskaya. Scandals! Intrigues! Investigations! 5. Anatoly Wasserman's vest weighs 70 kg and contains 354 items. Among other things, he always carries a pocket astrolabe and a scale model of the Universe. 6. Anatoly Wasserman's brain is the only thing in the Universe that Chuck Norris needs. 7. Anatoly Wasserman doesn't need the internet; he has memory. 8. Anatoly Wasserman's vest has a metal frame to support his 30-kilogram brain. Druzh uses his nostrils for this purpose. 9. After Armageddon, the survivors will hear Wasserman's voice from the sky. He will say, "Calm down, Chuck. Someone has to fix all this." 10. When the internet breaks down, you can connect to Anatoly Wasserman and restore it from the cache. 11. Five minutes of contemplating a photograph of Anatoly Wasserman increases IQ by 30%. 12. When Anatoly eats a person's brain, he gains all their knowledge. 13. Anatoly Wasserman never eats mushrooms because any mushroom could be Anatoly Wasserman. And Anatoly Wasserman doesn't like recursion. 14. Anatoly Wasserman's glasses, among other things, can see in infrared and X-ray spectrum. That's why he isn't lying when he says he can see the person he's talking to through and through. P.S. Chuck Norris sometimes borrows them to fight against air terrorism, to look at naked women at the airport. 15. Chuck Norris always calls Anatoly Wasserman before going to bed. 16. In his distant childhood, Anatoly Wasserman wore tights with 15 pockets. 17. Anatoly Wasserman wipes his ass with punched cards. 18. His wife still calls Wasserman Sauron the Great out of habit. 19. If you pull Wasserman's beard three times and make a wish, Nikolai Valuev will immediately appear and beat your face. 20. Anatoly Wasserman's hamster received a second higher education. 21. Anatoly is just waiting for his hamster to receive the Nobel Prize, and then he will eat its brain. 22. The FSB keeps a hair from Anatoly Wasserman's beard as a standard for nanotechnology. 23. Wasserman works as Wikipedia in his free time. 24. Google fits in Wasserman's cerebellum. 25. Google and Wikipedia are just small, private cases of Anatoly's fleeting thoughtfulness. 26. Anatoly Wasserman's early response is the only case of exceeding the speed of light in the macro world. 27. Anatoly Wasserman reads books in the infrared range at a speed of up to 1250 Mbps at a distance of up to 900 meters. 28. Pickpockets love Anatoly Wasserman. 29. Vladimir Putin and George Bush are just pawns in Anatoly Wasserman's cunning game. 30. In school, Grisha Perelman lost a "Alyonka" chocolate bar to Tolya Wasserman in a bet about the bosonic model of string theory. 31. Few people know that Anatoly Wasserman invented and patented 258 recipes for his favorite buckwheat pancakes. 32. Anatoly Wasserman's hamster heads the "Microsoft" corporation. 33. In the pockets of Wasserman's vest, he carries artifacts. In particular, it became known that he has: an artifact +500% to memory –90% to libido and an artifact +6 to intelligence –10 to dexterity. 34. It was Anatoly Wasserman who invented borscht and vacations in Egypt. 35. Chuck Norris is a disguised hamster of Anatoly Wasserman. 36. Wasserman believes that "42" is an unnecessarily verbose answer to the main question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. 37. Anatoly lost his virginity by having sex with a high-load server at the Pentagon. 38. When Anatoly Wasserman spoils the air in the office, typists start typing text 30% faster. 39. They don't like Wasserman on the show "What? Where? When?", especially Druzh. Sometimes he calls him in the evening and starts saying all sorts of nasty things in a female voice. And Wasserman listens, he is not allowed by his upbringing to interrupt a woman or end the conversation first. 40. Anatoly Wasserman can scan a barcode with his eyes and burn a DVD. 41. In fact, Chuck is Anatoly's imaginary evil twin. When Anatoly was a child, he was scolded for writing "loser" on Einstein's portrait again, he always said, "It wasn't me, it was Chuck!" 42. Even Anatoly Wasserman himself doesn't know whether he invented the Universe, or the Universe invented Wasserman. 43. Anatoly Wasserman doesn't poop. 44. In pocket number zero, Anatoly Wasserman keeps a list of the contents of all pockets. And in pocket number one, he keeps a backup copy. 45. Anatoly Wasserman's fingerprints are Mandelbrot fractals. 46. In Japanese, the surname Wasserman is written with two hieroglyphs, one of which means "brain," and the other "almighty." 47. Dumbledore and Gandalf were created solely to prepare children and teenagers for the fact of Anatoly Wasserman's existence. 48. Two liters of borscht can fit in Anatoly Wasserman's beard. 49. Anatoly Wasserman starred naked on the cover of "Popular Mechanics" magazine. 50. In fact, Wasserman braids his beard into a braid at night, becomes Grebenshchikov, and writes songs for him. 51. When Anatoly Wasserman wants to go somewhere, he doesn't go there, but moves the universe towards himself. 52. When Anatoly Wasserman wants sex, he just develops a new theorem, which then captivates the entire scientific world. 53. When Anatoly Wasserman gets bored, he archives the Universe. 54. Scientists are not yet aware that the Big Bang is Anatoly Wasserman's orgasm. 55. Anatoly Wasserman is capable of dividing by zero! 56. First, there was a beard and a vest, which eventually grew into Anatoly Wasserman. 57. Anatoly Wasserman is the only person in the world who can prove his point of view to a chatbot. 58. Artemy Lebedev is Anatoly Wasserman's immaculately conceived son. 59. Anatoly Wasserman won against Alexandra Pakhmutova in a "pakhmut" game. 60. Nostradamus predicted that in 2017, the Earth would be filled with Wasserman's pockets, and humanity would perish.

A guide for scoundrels and villains serving the World Evil who are tired of being killed in every book.

1. First and foremost, find a good mage specializing in cosmetic surgery and dermatological problems. You may be used to your green face with same-colored slime dripping down it, but you won't make a career in fantasy that way. You will be killed (somewhere between the third and final chapter). The same applies to those villains who are attractive due to a twisted demonic beauty. A good guy should have a simple, pleasant face without excessive refinements. Horns, hooves, and wings must be amputated as a matter of course (even if you are not a demon, but a satyr).

2. Change your cool black leather outfit for something less eye-catching. Remember that good guys are indifferent to the latest fashion and are not characterized by sophisticated style or great financial means. Dress in something neutral—simple cotton pants and a shirt, no jewelry, with a few exceptions (see point below). Pastel tones or grassy green and brown are recommended. Pink would be overkill. You should also get rid of the Count Dracula-style cloak. Oh, and this applies to your leather underwear too—God forbid someone tears your outer clothing in a fight!
3. A touching addition to your costume would be a ring or other accessory inherited from your long-deceased elderly father/mother/other dearly loved relative who died of old age/an incurable disease/a villain's knife. It is advisable to write and memorize the story of the final minutes of the relative's life, and tell it to everyone who doubts your kindness and truthfulness. Carrying dried body parts of a relative or sewing gloves and belts from their skin is not recommended.
4. Work on yourself. Facial expression, posture, voice—everything must match the image. Look at yourself in the mirror—if epithets like "proud, with an honest open gaze, kind" apply to you, it will significantly increase your chances of success. Sinister giggling and demonic laughter are excluded. If it is absolutely unbearable for you, every morning before getting out of bed, have five-minute relaxing sessions of sinister laughter, burying your face in a pillow and covering yourself with a blanket so that no one sees or hears anything.
5. Use as many "magic" words and diminutive suffixes as possible. Do not say "Old hag, shut your mouth," but rather "dear grandmother, your memories of youth are incredibly interesting and instructive, but please be quiet for a moment."
6. Learn to love children. Smile joyfully at the sight of a child, pick them up, and coo sloppily. If this is beyond you, at least do not kick them in front of people.
7. Participation in orgies and human sacrifices is excluded.
8. And worshiping visually unattractive gods who prefer S&M clothing styles is also excluded. Worshiping attractive gods known for their love of orgies and sacrifices, as well as hatred of children, is also not recommended.
9. Always come to the aid of victims, whether they want it or not. Do not stand there with your mouth open watching 10 tough guys beat up a girl, and even more so, do not run away or try to join them. Without hesitation, throw yourself into saving her, even if the situation seems hopeless. According to the laws of the genre, nothing bad will happen to you. Even if you lose this time and are brutally beaten, the girl will remember and love you, and give herself to you in the second part of the book.
10. By the way, losing at the beginning of the story most likely means it is time for you to find a wise (but slightly otherworldly) and kind (but strict) teacher. If he doesn't offer to heal your wounds himself, carefully look around at the people gathered after the fight. The teacher will be either an old mage in a pointed hat or a warrior retired from the slaughter. Exercise caution with warriors; under no circumstances join freedom fighters younger than forty (see next point).
11. So, do not take as companions people who are noticeably better at fighting/knowing magic than you. Before you can blink, you will turn from the main hero into a comic sidekick. Weeks, or even years of humiliation are guaranteed for you, coupled with mental degradation, absent-mindedness, and clumsiness. Moreover, toward the end of the book, you might actually be killed so that the main hero can show his delicate inner world by sobbing over your little grave.
12. Better yet, take as a companion a slightly foolish but kind and honest guy yourself. Having found a suitable candidate, casually show him your deceased mother's ring and tell a touching story about the last days of her life. It is desirable to somehow link her passing to the appearance of unreliable elements in the country—supporters of the World Evil—even if she actually died of old age in her bed. You can always say that because of the encroaching Evil, the lifespan of elderly ladies has been significantly reduced. A touched guy will surely join you.
13. Never forget and shout on every corner that you are against the World Evil and will kill every supporter of the Dark ones for the sake of peace and justice (even if the phrase "kill for peace" seems as meaningful to you as "sleep with everyone in the name of virginity"). The main thing is not to think about why or how; just remember that it's necessary.
14. Be humble. After capturing an enemy camp single-handedly, do not brag on every corner. There is no need for this; your companion will tell everyone himself (this is where he truly comes in handy). In response to praises and enthusiastic shouts, modestly lower your eyes and mutter "Fighting evil is everyone's duty." Or "I did what I had to do."
15. If your companion is killed, do not laugh joyfully and tell everyone that you are insanely glad to be rid of the annoying idiot. Bury his mutilated corpse and weep over the grave.
16. Having penetrated the enemy's inner sanctum (most likely a gloomy gothic fortress), do not wander around looking at paintings and expensive decorations, but immediately run to find the main enemy. Also, do not ask to join guards playing dice or cards. Remember, you are here to kill all supporters of the World Evil.
17. Upon finding the main villain, do not kill him in five seconds, even if it is within your power. Let him speak; be merciful. Main Villains have so few joys in life—let him talk about his plans one last time and laugh demonically.
18. It is not worth laughing along with him or suggesting how to improve the plan for world domination.
19. If the villain happens to be particularly tough and silent, and you feel that you are losing, ask leading questions; he won't be able to resist sharing his plans with you. His story will give you time to gather your strength and think of something.
20. After killing the main one, do not mock the corpse.
21. Search the castle and free all chained semi-naked girls.
22. Do not rape them before this; they will gladly give themselves to you later.
23. Dirty cripples and epileptics from the dungeons should also be freed; this will increase your popularity.
24. And those shouldn't be raped either.
25. Having freed everyone possible, immediately flee the castle—within the next five minutes it will begin to collapse spontaneously.
26. When the enemy is defeated, do not relax. If the father of one of the saved girls turns out to be a king, he will most likely offer you to rule in his place. You may also be appointed lord by the grateful inhabitants of the liberated country. Do not agree and do not get drunk at feasts in your honor. Rehearse in front of a mirror beforehand. Stand in a noble pose and say quietly but clearly: "I am not worthy of such an honor. Moreover, there is still too much evil in the world to rest on one's laurels. I will continue to wander the world and fight injustice wherever I notice it. The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world."
27. When saying the phrase "The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world," try not to grimace.
28. If you haven't grown tired of pleasures with the saved girl, you may allow her to come with you. Here, the main emphasis should be on love (not sex!), which sweeps away all barriers and class differences. If you can't stand the sight of her anymore, say that you cannot put her life in danger. Try to create the appearance that she is dear to you, but for her own good, you must leave her.
29. If you have become tiresome to the girl, do not degrade yourself and crawl on your knees before her, begging her to come with you. Remember your dignity!
30. And finally, you may be tempted to stay and rule the offered country, turning it into an Empire of Evil. You might get the impression that now no one will stop you. This is an illusion. Not a couple of years will pass before a noble hero appears who will kill you for the Common Good.

On the weekend, I visited a female acquaintance. She was watching the show "50 Blondes."
I drank tea and watched with her: there were no longer fifty blondes, but significantly fewer, like the remaining intellectual blonde elite.
The host, Fomenko, asked: "What was the surname of the hero of the civil war, whose name was used for the buzz cut hairstyle?"
It's a question bordering on farce – even children in kindergarten groups have heard of the "Kotovsky" buzz cut.
And who knew that the blondes would start blurting out answers. The most popular answer was "Gorshok." Yes, that's right, a war hero, a fearless fighter named Gorshok. Then came the surnames "Box" and "Nol," almost like Fleming.
I had already finished my tea and eaten the pie, and the blondes were dropping out of the game in droves on this question. It came down to the next blonde. She, after a bit of coquetry, proudly answered: "The war hero was named Lysak!"
The next blonde: "I also think the hero was named Lysak!!!"
The most frightening thing is that I understood their logical chain. :smile35: Apparently, they heard the word "rysak" (a horse color) and, vaguely understanding what it was, decided that it was clearly related to heroism. Transforming "rysak" into "lysak" (bald) under mental overload is no problem.

My acquaintance looked at me disapprovingly: "What are you laughing at! The question is actually difficult!"

With trepidation and respect for women, especially blondes, I vowed not to watch such shows anymore. And I don't advise you to either.
:smile13:

FULL HARDCORE COLLECTION
Chelyabinsk vodka is so hardcore that it was banned in 190 countries as
a nuclear weapon
The Chelyabinsk intelligentsia are so hardcore that they lie in wait with bats for
anyone who isn't registered at the library.
Chelyabinsk youth are so hardcore that in winter frosts they drink tea only
with ice, and they go outside and wait until the ice forms in the cup.
Chelyabinsk porn is so hardcore that it was banned in Germany
Chelyabinsk weed is so hardcore that it makes even the neighbor behind
the wall crack up
Chelyabinsk "United Russia" members are so hardcore that they kick Putin's portraits
with their feet...
Chelyabinsk admins are so hardcore that they communicate and download porn via
telegraph
Chelyabinsk admins are so hardcore that users prefer
to work with abacuses
Chelyabinsk antiviruses are so hardcore that they format the
hard drive during every scan.
Chelyabinsk pharmacies are so hardcore that they sell medicines without a prescription

Chelyabinsk amusement rides are so hardcore that every single one has a blood drain.
Chelyabinsk grandmas are so hardcore that even the
driver gives up his seat for them on the bus
Chelyabinsk bums are so hardcore that they opened a chain of pawn shops.
Chelyabinsk patients are so hardcore that when they have diarrhea, they take laxatives.
Chelyabinsk accountants are so hardcore that tax officers fill out all their
reports and declarations for them.
Chelyabinsk accountants are so hardcore that they count on their fingers
Chelyabinsk bulls are so hardcore that they love bullfighting
Chelyabinsk cyclists are so hardcore that they never shift from
gear 3/8
Chelyabinsk minibus drivers are so hardcore that they drop off passengers
without stopping.
Chelyabinsk drivers are so hardcore that they fundamentally run over
pedestrians, even if they are walking on the lawn of a city park at the time.
Chelyabinsk military are so hardcore that hazing is written into the Regulations.
Chelyabinsk doctors are so hardcore that they operate without anesthesia
Chelyabinsk traffic cops are so hardcore that they stopped the president's motorcade
Chelyabinsk gamers are so hardcore that they arrange network slaughters on 8-bit consoles
Chelyabinsk gamers are so hardcore that they play Tetris on Windows Vista
Chelyabinsk gamers are so hardcore that they don't sit at computers, but walk the streets with "Kalashnikovs" and shoot out the freaks...
Chelyabinsk chief engineers are so hardcore that they pay "kickbacks" to tender participants themselves.
Chelyabinsk voters are so hardcore that they vote openly
Chelyabinsk gays are so hardcore that ... they die
Chelyabinsk skiers are so hardcore that they put their skis on with the tips facing backward.
Chelyabinsk dentists are so hardcore that they rip out patients' teeth immediately, and while they're at it, amputate limbs...
Chelyabinsk girls are so hardcore that they find flowers repulsive
Chelyabinsk girls are so hardcore that they post their passport photo on dating sites.
Chelyabinsk girls are so hardcore that first they give, and then they take it back.
Chelyabinsk children are so hardcore that they eat candies along with the wrappers.
Chelyabinsk children are so hardcore that they already attend military department in school
Chelyabinsk designers are so hardcore that they draw in MS Paint
Chelyabinsk milkmaids are so hardcore that Chelyabinsk bulls hide in the forests
Chelyabinsk woodpeckers are so hardcore that they pecked out two metro stations
Chelyabinsk Jews are so hardcore that while vacationing at the Dead Sea, they beat some national team at football...
Chelyabinsk women are so hardcore that they use reeds instead of tampons
Chelyabinsk wives are so hardcore - that they give to everyone except their husbands.
Chelyabinsk residents are so hardcore that if they ever caught the jerk who makes up these idiotic expressions about them, they would hand him over to Chelyabinsk thugs.
Chelyabinsk residents are so hardcore that all of Russia can make up idiotic expressions about them.
Chelyabinsk gas station attendants are so hardcore that they jam the fuel nozzle into the tank without opening the flap.
Chelyabinsk convicts are so hardcore that they escape from prison together with
the guard dogs.
Chelyabinsk hitmen are so hardcore that they fire 10 confirmation shots
Chelyabinsk clowns are so hardcore that they perform at torture and interrogation sessions.
Chelyabinsk mosquitoes are so hardcore that they suck their own blood
Chelyabinsk combine operators are so hardcore that they mow down forests
Chelyabinsk communists are so hardcore that they celebrate Lenin's Birthday every day!
Chelyabinsk candies are so hardcore that you wash them down with vodka
Chelyabinsk cosmonauts are so hardcore that they return to earth without a capsule
Chelyabinsk cosmonauts are so hardcore that they go into open space just to pee
Chelyabinsk smokers are so hardcore that instead of regular cigarettes, they smoke pipes at the ChTZ plant
Chelyabinsk horses are so hardcore that they smoke
Chelyabinsk nurses are so hardcore that they give injections with a needleless syringe
Chelyabinsk music lovers are so hardcore that Sergey Shnurov doesn't swear during concerts in Chelyabinsk
Chelyabinsk metallurgists are so hardcore that they light their cigarettes directly from the
Open-hearth furnace
Chelyabinsk infants are so hardcore that they eat apples before getting their first teeth
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that instead of a fan, they use an airplane turbine
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that they wipe their asses with sandpaper
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that Chuck Norris admitted he is a
Chelyabinsk man
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that they don't drink coffee, they eat it by the spoonful from the jar
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that they nail doghouses to trees instead of birdhouses
Chelyabinsk men are so hardcore that they shave with milling machines
Chelyabinsk Mumu own such hardcore dogs that they drown their owners.
Chelyabinsk flies are so hardcore that they don't let people flush after themselves.
Chelyabinsk taxpayers are so hardcore that there is an ATM in the tax office that gives out money
Chelyabinsk drug addicts are so hardcore that they pack weed straight into their nose, light it, and smoke.
Chelyabinsk drug addicts are so hardcore that instead of injections, they set up an IV drip
Chelyabinsk blacks are so hardcore that they eat skinheads alive.
Chelyabinsk overclockers are so hardcore that they overclock stereo systems
Chelyabinsk hunters are so hardcore that they go after bears with only a
packet of toothpicks.
Chelyabinsk waiters are so hardcore that they pour champagne without opening the bottle.
Chelyabinsk hairdressers are so hardcore that people visit them wearing helmets
Chelyabinsk singers are so hardcore that they sing without a microphone
Chelyabinsk pensioners are so hardcore that visiting football and
hockey ultras are afraid to make noise after 22.00.
Chelyabinsk Chinese restaurant chefs are so hardcore that there are not only no dogs, cats, or mice in the city, but no cockroaches either.
Chelyabinsk firefighters are so hardcore that they put out fires with gasoline.
Chelyabinsk mail carriers are so hardcore that they bite all the dogs on the rear end themselves
Chelyabinsk human rights activists are so hardcore that their idol is Stalin, and they themselves support cannibalism.
Chelyabinsk programmers are so hardcore that they program on paper
Chelyabinsk sellers are so hardcore that they don't give change less than 10 rubles
Chelyabinsk sellers are so hardcore that they don't let
customers into their stores.
Chelyabinsk processors are so hardcore that they perform operations with Roman numerals.
Chelyabinsk birds are so hardcore that for winter they fly not south, but
north.
Chelyabinsk ambulance workers are so hardcore that instead of stretchers, they bring coffins on calls
Chelyabinsk crayfish are so hardcore that when you boil them, they stay green
Chelyabinsk religions are so hardcore that they deny the gods.
Chelyabinsk maternity hospitals are so hardcore that they discharge patients an hour after birth
Chelyabinsk parents are so hardcore that they force their children to watch
Teletubbies until they are 18
Chelyabinsk rappers are so hardcore that they perform at
Ku Klux Klan corporate parties
Chelyabinsk plumbers are so hardcore that they drink from the toilet
Chelyabinsk bomb disposal experts are so hardcore that they make mistakes many times
Chelyabinsk fairy tales are so hardcore that even Magadan convicts are afraid to read them.
Chelyabinsk skinheads are so hardcore that they don't shave their heads, they scalp themselves.
Chelyabinsk carpenters are so hardcore that Buratino asked for asylum at "Ilim Pulp".
Chelyabinsk dentists are so hardcore that their only tools are a hammer, pliers, and a drill
Chelyabinsk students are so hardcore that they defend their thesis without even showing up to the defense.
Chelyabinsk students are so hardcore that the military commissar runs away from them himself
Chelyabinsk judges are so hardcore that they give three life sentences for
hooliganism.
Chelyabinsk supermarkets are so hardcore that there is no heating in them during winter.
Chelyabinsk taxi drivers are so hardcore that they handcuff passengers for the entire trip;
Chelyabinsk terrorists are so hardcore that they blow themselves up at home out of
impatience
Chelyabinsk party-goers are so hardcore that during their pedicure, the chain of a "Druzhba" chainsaw snaps several times.
Chelyabinsk public toilet cleaners are so hardcore that they don't mop the floors, they pour concrete over them.
Chelyabinsk teachers are so hardcore that they assign trigonometric equations for homework as early as first grade.
Chelyabinsk fans are so hardcore that they beat the Japanese national karate team
Chelyabinsk weather vanes are so hardcore that they tell the wind which direction to blow
Chelyabinsk surgeons are so hardcore that they organized a public
movement: "Are your limbs still intact? Then we're coming for you!".
Chelyabinsk hockey players are so hardcore that they play on asphalt
Chelyabinsk hockey players are so hardcore that they play with crowbars
Chelyabinsk officials are so hardcore that they don't even take bribes.
Chelyabinsk "churkas" are so hardcore that they hate churkas
Chelyabinsk schoolchildren are so hardcore that they don't smoke during breaks, they chew cigarettes right during lessons
Chelyabinsk emos are so hardcore that they whack gopniks
Chelyabinsk Internet Explorer is so hardcore that you can't turn off images or enable cache
Chelyabinsk glamour is so hardcore that it wears quilted jackets and drinks moonshine.
The Chelyabinsk elite wine competition was so hardcore that "777" port wine won.
Chelyabinsk Koschei the Deathless is so hardcore that he keeps the needle in his own testicle.
Chelyabinsk public catering is so hardcore that even in a Japanese restaurant, they eat with two sticks (kiys).
The Chelyabinsk circus is so hardcore that tickets are sold not for entry, but for exit
Chelyabinsk gopniks are so hardcore that they buy sunflower seeds by the bucketload
Chelyabinsk beer is so hardcore that its strength exceeds medical alcohol
Chelyabinsk radio is so hardcore that it hits your hands when you try to turn it off...
Chelyabinsk radio is so hardcore that not only does it not broadcast itself, but it also
jams the transmissions of neighboring radio stations.
Chelyabinsk people laugh so hard//hardcore that you want to give them a drop of nicotine

A man runs into a police station and pleads: - Find my wife! She's disappeared! Here's a picture. - Someone looks at the picture and asks in confusion: - And what for? In the prison yard, a squad of prisoners stands before the warden. - Today, we have Easter in the zone. - Hooray. - And each of you will receive an egg from me. - Hooray. - WITH THIS IRON BAR. An elephant escaped from the zoo. The next morning, a man calls the police: - There's some huge gray beast tearing up the cabbage in my garden with its tail! - And what is it doing with it? - If I tell you, you won't believe me.

The Programmer's Life Cycle

Stage One: Birth (0 years)
By appearance (interface), these individuals are virtually indistinguishable from all others. Consult experts for identification.

Stage Two: Childhood (1 - 7 years)
At this stage, one of the primary signs of a programmer can already be noticed — speaking very stupid things with a knowing look, and insisting on their point under any conditions.

Stage Three: Adolescence (7 - 14 years)
At this stage, our subject usually reaches a computer. Of course, there are particularly pronounced individuals who reach such a device during the second stage, but... unfortunately, they are extremely rare, which makes their identification very difficult.
Having gotten hold of the device, the child (if, indeed, such a creature can be called that) begins to torture it mercilessly, often without noticing: "How come my game/program/page isn't loading — wipe the system for good!" It should be noted that earlier versions had slightly different tendencies — for example, rewriting drivers, but in the process of evolution, these tendencies fade away.

Stage Four: Youth (15 - 20 years)
At this stage, computer dependency becomes incurable. The need for beer-based brain stimulation progresses. Some deviations are found, however: for instance, alcohol-stimulation and coffee-stimulation, but as the individual develops a sense of self-preservation and herd mentality, most switch to Beer. There are unique specimens who find the mere fact of having a computer sufficient, but they are extremely rare and only hinder classification.
Brain automation also progresses — this primary sign is easily tracked by answers to questions: responses usually
- do not come immediately
- are absolutely precise
- are absolutely useless
At this stage, the mastery of the species' native language occurs — machine code. Ancestral memory and their closest friend and companion — the computer — play a leading role in this.
To achieve this, many individuals even sacrifice part of their precious time by enrolling in universities. There, as a result of various mysteries with incomprehensible names (Could a normal person grasp things like "FUNKAN", "TERVER", not to mention "DISKRE" and "LAAG"? Even the words themselves inspire horror!), the initiation into Programmers takes place. They are even given a special piece of paper testifying to this!
There are, however, specimens who learn everything on their own or with the help of gurus — these are easily identified by behavior and appearance:
- small red darting eyes (often behind glasses)
- shaggy hair (long hair is often found, as there is no time for a haircut), color undetermined (last washed before the arithmometer was created)
- constantly mumbling something incomprehensible (commonly known words are very rare; mostly "beer" (the reason is clear), "soap" (perhaps it's itching badly and they want to wash), "mom" (thank God, they still remember their parents) and some other rarer ones)
- shy, poorly oriented in any terrain (this is easy to understand if you remember that their usual habitat is a desk with a computer)
- nondescript clothing (often jeans — dirt and creases are less noticeable on them), and can be distinguished from a scarecrow only by the aforementioned signs

Stage Five: Adult Specimen (>20 years)
At this stage, another characteristic feature of programmers clearly manifests — a tendency to cluster. Characteristic traits of such a cluster (group):
- noise level is independent of the number of specimens in the group
- amount of beer consumed is directly proportional to the square of participants (sometimes an exponential dependence can be noticed)
- if there is no computer at the clustering site, strong nervousness among participants is evident

At this stage, the Turing test (subject — programmer, tester — normal person) in the vast majority of cases ends in favor of the computer.

The main way to identify a programmer is to seat them at a computer. If the object of study begins to explain something to you with a knowing look, then before you is a representative of the species "Common Lamer". However, if the subject begins to tremble slightly at the sight of the computer, then, letting out a short cry commenting on the system (usually either "Suxx" or "Rulezz"), gallops toward the device, instantly sticks to the monitor and immediately establishes two-way optical communication with the computer, you can safely assert that before you is a programmer.
Determining the subspecies is a more delicate matter:
- if the subject first dives into system settings, letting out short cries and shrieks about every line, it is quite possible that before you is a sysadmin.
- if the subject urges to open the system unit, but after each of your remarks jerks their hands back and looks at you with a devoted, apologetic gaze, then before you is a hardware specialist
- if the subject repeatedly urges to comment on the appearance and interface of the system/programs/applications/wallpapers/curtains, then before you is an application programmer
- suggest that the subject arrange their workspace at the computer. If a total lack of taste is noted, it can be asserted that before you is a web designer

Added after 49 seconds
100 THINGS I WILL DO WHEN I BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD

1. My Legions of Death will have helmets with transparent plexiglass visors, not ones that cover the entire face.

2. Ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble brother, whose throne I usurped, will be immediately killed, rather than secretly imprisoned in a deserted cell of my Dungeon.

4. For my enemies, execution is quite sufficient.

5. The artifact that is the source of my power will not be stored in the Mountains of Despair beyond the River of Fire, guarded by Dragons of Eternity. It will lie in my safe. The same applies to the item that is my weak point.

6. I will not gloat over the position of my enemies before killing them.

7. When I capture my enemy and he says: "Listen, before you kill me, tell me what you've planned?", I will answer "No" and shoot him. No, better yet, I'll shoot him and say "No".

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will immediately marry in a modest civil ceremony, not in a grand spectacle three weeks later, for which the final phase of my plans would be postponed.

9. I will not create self-destruct mechanisms without extreme necessity. If such a necessity arises, it will not be a big red button labeled "DANGER! DO NOT PRESS!". Such a label will be on a button that activates a machine gun aimed at the presser. Similarly, an "ON/OFF" switch will not be so specifically marked.

10. I will not hold negotiations with enemies in the inner sanctum of my Fortress. A small hotel somewhere on the outskirts of my domains is quite sufficient.

11. I will be careful with my superiority. I will not prove it by leaving clues to victory in the form of riddles or by leaving the weakest opponents alive to show that they are unable to retaliate.

12. One of my advisors will be a five-year-old child. Any errors in my plans that he notices will be immediately corrected.

13. The bodies of my defeated opponents will be burned, or several magazines will be fired into them; they will not be left to die at the foot of a cliff. All announcements of their death, as well as corresponding celebrations, will be postponed until the aforementioned procedures are completed.

14. The hero will not be allowed a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never use a device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a thing is inevitable, it will be set to 117 while the hero is still just forming his plans.

16. I will never utter the phrase: "Before I kill you, I would like to know one thing..."

17. If I take advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his weak attempts to seize power would fail, it would distract attention at a critical moment in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she is evil, but the moment she looks at the hero — she will betray her own father.

20. Despite the effect, I will not laugh maniacally. It's very easy to miss some important moment that a more attentive and calm person would easily notice.

21. I will hire a talented couturier to design uniforms for my Legions of Death, so there is no cheap clothing in which they look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman infantry, or wild Mongol hordes. All of them were defeated, and I don't want such vibes in my army.

22. No matter how much power I have over unlimited energy, I will not create a force field larger than my head.

23. I will keep a special reserve of the simplest types of weapons and train my warriors in their use. Then, if enemies destroy the energy source and conventional weapons become useless, my troops will not be defeated by a bunch of savages with spears and stones.

24. I will soberly assess my strengths and weak points. Although this will reduce the pleasure, I won't have to scream: "This cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (as is known, death is inevitable after that).

25. No matter how tempting it may be, I will not build any completely indestructible machines that have one practically inaccessible weak point.

26. No matter how attractive some rebels are, there will always be someone just as attractive who doesn't dream of killing me. One should think twice before inviting a prisoner into my bedroom.

27. I will never build something important in only one copy. All important systems will have backup control panels and power sources. For the same reason, I will always have two sets of fully charged weapons with me.

28. My pet monster will sit in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and over which I cannot trip.

29. I will dress in bright and light tones to confuse enemies.

30. All mumbling sorcerers, clumsy landowners, voiceless bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be put to death. My enemies will undoubtedly abandon their plans if they have no one to laugh at along the way.

31. All naive and busty waitresses in taverns will be replaced by grumpy ones who are sated with life, so that the hero has no unexpected reinforcement or romantic story.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill the messenger bringing bad news just to show what a villain I am. Good messengers are hard to find.

33. I don't need high-ranking women in my organization to wear all sorts of flashy clothes. Morale is better if clothing is ordinary. Also, black leather costumes should be saved for official occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. That never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days it looked devilish; now it reminds one of some disgruntled intellectual.

36. I will not put people from the same squad in one cell or prison block. If they are very important persons, the only key to their cell will be with me, and there will be no copies for all the jailers.

37. If one of my reliable people reports that my Legions of Death lost a battle, I will believe him. After all, he is a reliable person.

38. If an enemy I just killed has young relatives or offspring, I will find and kill them too immediately, rather than waiting until old age for them to grow up and accumulate anger.

39. If I truly need to enter battle, I will absolutely not go ahead of my army. Also, I will not look for a worthy opponent among the enemies.

40. I will not act chivalrously. If I have an irresistible superweapon, I will use it as early and often as possible, rather than waiting until the last minute.

41. As soon as my power is secure, I will destroy those stupid time machines.

42. When I catch the hero, I will also catch his dog, monkey, parrot, or other small cute animal capable of untying ropes or bringing keys if it remains free.

43. I will have a healthy skepticism when I catch a pretty rebel and she claims that she is admired by my power and appearance, and that she would gladly betray her friends if I include her in my plans.

44. I will hire only those bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for pleasure often do all sorts of stupid things, like giving the victim a chance to escape.

45. I will have a clear idea of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if one of my generals suffers a defeat, I won't raise a pistol, point it at him, say "this is the price of a mistake," then suddenly turn and shoot some low-level lackey.

46. If an advisor tells me "Monseigneur, he is just a man. What can one man do?", I will answer "This!" and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a green youth has begun his hunt for me, I will destroy him while he is a green youth, rather than waiting until he grows up.

48. I will care for any beast that I control via magic or technology with love and attention. Then, if I lose my power over it, it will not immediately seek revenge.

49. If I learn of the location of some artifact capable of destroying me, I will not send all my troops after it. I'll send them after something else, and quietly place a purchase ad in the local newspaper myself.

50. My main computers will have a special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM or Apple laptops.

51. If one of my Dungeon guards begins to express concern regarding the conditions in the princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to guard a deserted place.

52. I will hire a team of professional architects and experts who will inspect my Castle for any secret passages or abandoned tunnels that I am unaware of.

53. If the beautiful princess captured by me says: "I will never marry you! Never, do you hear, NEVER!!!", I will answer: "Well, okay..." and kill her.

54. I will not make a deal with a demon just to later break it out of principle.

55. Ugly mutants and paranormal beings will take their place in my Legions of Death. But before sending them on secret missions or reconnaissance, I will try to find someone who looks more ordinary while having the same skills and abilities.

56. My Legions of Death will train in accurate shooting. Anyone unable to learn to hit a human-sized target from ten meters will be used as a target instead.

57. Before using any captured device, I will carefully read the instructions.

58. If an escape becomes necessary, I will not stop, strike a dramatic pose, and utter clever phrases.

59. I will never build a computer smarter than myself.

60. My five-year-old advisor will also try to decrypt any ciphers I intend to use. If he does it in 30 seconds, the cipher will not be used. The same applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask: "Why are you risking everything for this crazy plan?", I will not start the operation until I have an answer that satisfies them.

62. I will design the passages in the Fortress so that there are no niches or ledges behind which one can hide from shots.

63. Trash will be burned, not pressed. And the incinerators will work constantly, so there is no such nonsense as tunnels accessible to all through which flames regularly rush.

64. I will have a professional psychiatrist who will treat me for any unusual phobias and non-standard behavior that could hinder my plans.

65. If I have a computer system with public terminals, on the maps of my complex there will be a place explicitly marked "General Headquarters". The Execution Room will be located in this place. The real headquarters will be marked "Sewage Drain".

66. Digital locks will be equipped with fingerprint scanners. Anyone who tries to enter a code they've spied will trigger an alarm.

67. No matter how many short circuits there are in the system, my security will consider any malfunction of same-cameras as an alarm.

68. I will reward anyone who ever saved my life. This is necessary to inspire others to similar feats. However, the reward will be given only once. If he wants me to reward him again, let him save my life again.

69. All private midwives will be expelled from the country. All children will be born in state hospitals. Orphans will be placed in shelters, not abandoned in the forest where they might be raised by wild beasts.

70. When my guards begin to search for intruders in the Fortress, they will always walk at least in pairs. They will be trained so that upon the mysterious disappearance of one, the second will immediately raise an alarm and call for reinforcements, rather than looking around in surprise.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty, I will have a squad of shooters ready in case he/she fails the test.

72. If all the heroes are standing together next to some strange device and begin to threaten me, I will use conventional weapons rather than applying my invincible superweapon against them.

73. I will not agree to release the heroes if they win in a Competitive event, even if my advisors claim that they cannot win it.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, made so that even my five-year-old advisor can understand it, I will not label the disc "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on my desk.

75. I will order to attack the hero with the entire army, rather than waiting until he fights one or two warriors.

76. If the hero ends up on the roof of my Castle, I will not try to throw him down. Also, I will not fight him on the edge of a cliff. (A fight in the middle of a rope bridge over lava is also not in my plans).

77. If I temporarily go insane and offer the hero the post of my trusted lieutenant, I will remain sane enough to offer it when my previous trusted one is beyond earshot.

78. I will not order my Legions of Death: "And he must be taken alive!" I will order: "And try to take him alive if such an opportunity arises."

79. If my Doomsday Weapon happens to have a switch, I will order that switch to be melted down into commemorative medals.

80. If my weakest squad cannot destroy the hero, I will send my best squad there, rather than sending increasingly stronger squads as the hero advances toward the Fortress.

81. When I am fighting a hero on the roof of a moving wagon, disarm him and prepare to finish him off, and he quickly looks behind my back and falls flat on his face, I will also fall flat on my face rather than turning around to see what he saw there.

82. I will not shoot at enemies if they are standing in front of the main support of a heavy, dangerous, unstable construction.

83. If I dine with the hero, slip poison into his glass and step away for some reason, upon returning I will order new drinks for both of us so as not to guess whether he swapped the glasses or not.

84. I will not have prisoners of one gender guarded by representatives of the other gender.

85. I will not use a plan in which the last step is very complicated, such as "Connect 12 Power Stones on the sacred altar and activate the medallion at the moment of a total eclipse". Rather, it will be something like "Press a button".

86. I will ensure that my Doomsday Weapon is in working order and well-grounded.

87. My containers with dangerous chemicals will be closed when not needed. And I will not build bridges over them.

88. If a group of my henchmen fails a mission, I will not scold them and send the same group on that mission again.

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately dismiss the troops and weaken security, thinking that whoever has the superweapon is invincible. By the way, I just took it from the hero!

90. I will design the General Headquarters so that the door is visible from every workstation.

91. I will not ignore a messenger by making him wait for my entertainment to end. Perhaps he has brought important news.

92. If I speak with the hero over the phone, I will not intimidate him. On the contrary, I will say that his persistence and tenacity have given me a new vision of the meaninglessness of my path to evil, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of meditation, I will surely return to the righteous path. (Heroes are extremely gullible in this sense).

93. If I plan a double execution — the hero and some low-level lackey who betrayed me — I will ensure the hero is executed first.

94. When escorting prisoners, my security will not allow them to stop and pick up some trinket out of romantic impulses.

95. In my Dungeon, there will be a team of qualified medics and their bodyguards. Thus, if a prisoner feels ill and his neighbor calls for help, the guard will call the medics rather than opening the cell and entering to look.

96. The door mechanism will be designed so that destroying the control panel from the outside seals the door, while doing so from the inside opens it, not vice versa.

97. In my Dungeon cells, there will be no objects with mirrored surfaces, nor anything from which ropes could be made.

98. If an attractive young couple comes to my country, I will watch them closely. If they are tender toward each other and happy, I will ignore them. But if it turns out that circumstances have united them against their will and that they spend most of their time arguing and criticizing each other, except for moments when they save each other's lives (and only then do hints of warm relations arise), I will immediately demand their execution.

99. Any important files will be at least 1.45 megabytes in size.

100. Finally, if I want to put my victims into a state of permanent trance, I will give them unlimited Internet access.

Added after 11 hours 26 minutes
Vovochka asks his mother:
-- Mom, is it true that God feeds us?
-- Generally, yes.
-- And storks bring children?
-- Of course.
-- And Father Frost gives presents?
-- Yes.
-- Then tell me please, why are we keeping Dad.

Vovochka's older brother shaves every morning, gets in the car and leaves..
Vovochka decided to find out what was going on and hid in the car under the back seat since morning.
Vovochka's brother drives to town, picks up a girl, takes her into the forest and asks:
"Will you give yourself to me?", the girl says: "No!", then he tells her: "Well then walk home".
and drives away...
The next morning Vovochka shaves, gets on his bike and goes to a classmate,
puts her on the frame and takes her to the park. Asks her: "Will you give yourself to me?!".
she answers: "I will!". Vovochka thinks for a long time and says: "Here's the bike, go on, and I'll walk home...".

- Vovochka, name 5 African animals.
- 2 monkeys and 3 elephants.

Vovochka arrived in the village..
His joyful grandfather meets him: "Oh, Vovochka, are you a faggot?"
- You're the one who's a FAGGOT, grandpa.

Added after 1 minute
Teacher.
"Children, we have learned sentences with the adverbs 'apparently' and 'since'.
Now let someone give us examples."
Masha: "Apparently, it won't rain today since the sky is clear."
Teacher: "Well done, Mashenka!".
Vovochka: "Grandmother took a newspaper and went into the bushes."
Teacher: "And where are 'apparently' and 'since' here?".
Vovochka: "Apparently to sh!t, since she can't read!".

Added after 38 seconds
During the break, Vovochka addresses a classmate:
- Natasha! Can I use you as a woman?
- Idiot!
- Our ball rolled into the women's restroom, not what you think.

ps http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=35751

ELECTRITCHKING - one of the most spectacular, dynamic, trendy (especially among regional residents), and extreme sports.

So what exactly is "ELECTRITCHKING"?
A 21st-century sport? A fashionable hobby? The gray monotony of everyday life?

Let's take it one step at a time:

Electritchking is riding without pretension or, as you have probably already guessed, !free! riding on the electric train and everything associated with it.

The main condition for "Electritchking" is the presence of an electric train that can actually move, a sharp need to ride for free and, for added extremity, the presence of maximally aggressive ticket inspectors.

So what is the difference between an ordinary person and an electritchker?

Electritchers are those young, energetic, and brave people who consciously prefer the romance of a free trip in an "electroliner"
to the convenience of boring minibuses and other forms of transport.

Electritchking is a complex phenomenon that combines many disciplines:

"kaifsitting" - a very dynamic discipline in which electritchers strive to outrun grandmas with carts, women with own-willed children, mere mortals, and of course fellow kaifsitters, in order to secure themselves a more comfortable spot. Preferably on the heater (in winter) or on the shaded side (in summer). Preference should always be given to horned non-rattling cars, completely empty "compartments" and window seats (VIP).

The technique of "seat capturing" can be included here.
This is a technique used by cunning electritchers who throw their belongings through an open window onto free seats, thereby claiming VIP spots for themselves.

"turnstile jumping" - a discipline in which competitors try to time the perfect moment
to enter (or exit) the station area without paying for a ticket, proudly leaping over the turnstile in one swift bound.
There are many techniques for performing the jump: from a running start, from a standstill, with arms or without.
Of course, there are alternative ways to overcome the hated turnstile, such as crawling under it or "underturnstile sliding," which cannot be called spectacular by any means and is of little interest to us bouncy athletes and extremists.

"bitkom riding" - a very common summer phenomenon on trendy dacha routes. The technique is well known to all metro users.
This is a discipline where the competitor first tries to squeeze their body into a carriage that is already packed tight, and then manages to reach their destination without losing consciousness from lack of air.

"tickets bombing" - a technique for lazy electritchers.
Forging travel passes, clumsy extensions of old ones, using "ksivs." This also includes the most difficult team maneuver in "tickets bombing" to execute — "one pass for everyone."
This is when one electritcher pretends to put a pass into his own pocket, but actually puts it into the pocket of a colleague sitting next to him. The colleague performs a scene: stands up, pretends to look for the ticket/pass — and then !alleluia!. finds it.
And shows the exact same document as the first electritcher. Technique! Mastery! Skill level!

"tambour pissing" of course, and its rarer extreme variety known only to hardcore electritchers — a spontaneous no-way-out "tambour kaking." A very difficult technique to perform, especially during "bitkom riding."

freestyle "controller running" - the main discipline that identifies the strongest electritchers in Russia.
The classic idea is to deceive/outrun approaching inspectors while the train is stopped.
In this discipline, the complexity and style of elements performed while fleeing from controllers are evaluated — jumps, flips, all sorts of acrobatic tricks.
(additional bonus points and honor are awarded for all the above if done in an intoxicated state).
This particular discipline is the most spectacular part of electritchking. To participate, a sufficiently high level of mastery over one's legs, elbows, and head (for orientation) is required.
Those who have had the pleasure of observing a classic "controller running" will agree that the coordination of teamwork is particularly pleasing in such races. For example, when the first person to arrive holds the doors open for their trailing colleagues.

Actually, since we're on the subject, it would be important to note that team play significantly eases an electritcher's life, whether it be "kaifsitting" or "tambour pissing."

And finally, "slow controller walking" - an electritcher moves through the carriages away from pursuing inspectors, thereby buying time and reaching their desired destination.
The participant is required to have cold-blooded calculation, extraordinary self-control, endurance, as well as basic skills in overcoming obstacles such as: grandmas with carts and "bitkom riding" enthusiasts.

Garden - New Year
The teacher talks to the children:

"Sashechka, you have a white shirt and white pants,
will you be a bunny for the New Year?"
-Yes
"Lenochka, you have an orange sweater and an orange skirt,
will you be a fox?"
-Yes
"Vovochka, you have a brown sweater and brown pants,
will you be a bear?"
-No, I will be poop, and I will ruin the whole holiday...

Traffic Rules

Yes or No

A guy is sitting in the police station. He looks battered and bruised. He's being interrogated: - Name, surname. Address. The guy: - Ivan Petrov. Moscow Street, building 3, apartment 10. They send a police officer to that address, and he returns, saying that no such person lives there. The guy gets another beating. Then the question is repeated: - Tell us your address. Or it will be worse. The guy again: - Moscow Street, building 3, apartment 10. They took pity on him and decided to send the police officer again. Maybe he made a mistake the first time. The police officer returns, saying that there is no such person there. In the end, they decided to let the guy go home; what else could they do? The guy comes home, all beaten up, in torn clothes, covered in blood. His neighbor greets him: - Vanya, you owe me a bottle. The cops came twice today, asking about you. I told them that Ivan Petrov doesn't live here. I went to the store and was there for only a few minutes. When I came out, I saw a cop on a motorcycle writing a parking ticket. Then I walked up to him and said, "Come on, just let it go this time." He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. Then I called him a lousy Nazi. In response, he wrote another ticket, this time for the tires. Then I called him an ugly monster. After writing the second ticket and putting it under the windshield wiper, he started writing a third. For 20 minutes, I insulted him, and he kept writing tickets. But I didn't care; my car was parked around the corner. I just decided to have some fun...