Posts from Fun

A policeman stops a man:
- Good evening, we need to check you for alcohol.
- But our device is broken, so instead, you'll have to answer some questions, and we'll determine if you've been drinking.
- Okay, go ahead.
- You're walking down the street. In the distance, you see two beams of light approaching you. What is it?
- A car, of course.
- Yes, but what kind? A Fiat, a BMW, a Mercedes...?
- How would I know?!
- Hmm, it looks like you failed the test. Okay, one more question: you're walking down the street and see one light approaching you. What is it?
- A motorcycle.
- And what kind? A Suzuki, a Kawasaki, a Yamaha...?
- How would I know?!!!
- Yes, your alcohol test is positive. Come with us!
The man is fed up and says:
- Can I ask you a question now?
- But make it quick!
- You're walking down the street, and at the corner, there's a woman with very little clothing on, a short mini-skirt, high heels, and she's beckoning you with her finger... Who is it?
- A prostitute, of course!
- And what kind of prostitute? Your mother, your sister, or your grandmother?

A drunk man is brought to the police station. He protests:
- I demand to know why you brought me here!
- You were brought here as a participant in a drunken brawl, the sergeant replies.
- Well, that changes things! - exclaims the drunk, rubbing his hands. - When do we start?

A man is driving at high speed down the road. Suddenly, a sharp turn, he loses control and fatally hits a policeman standing on the side of the road. He puts him in the trunk and drives to the cemetery. For a couple of hundred, the caretaker agrees to bury the policeman. The relaxed man drives on and, at a sharp turn, again fatally hits a policeman. Without hesitation, the man returns to the cemetery and says to the caretaker: "I asked nicely – bury him!" - and puts the second policeman in the trunk. The old man shrugs and starts burying the second policeman. At that moment, the local police officer decides to check on things at the cemetery. He approaches the old man (who is already digging the second grave) and quietly pats him on the shoulder. The old man turns sharply and hits the policeman with a shovel: "Are you going to lie down today or not!?!?!?!?!?!?"

A traffic cop is standing on the road. He stops a Mercedes and asks:
- Do you have any drugs?
- Yes. (and the man takes out a bag of poppy seeds). The cop is stunned and asks further:
- Do you have any weapons?
- Yes. (and the man takes out an AK-47). The cop, in a state of shock, asks:
- And what's in the trunk?
- Two dead traffic cops, and there's room for a third!
- Well, then, have a good trip...

In Russia, the number 3 has always been special. Three bogatyrs, three wishes, the far-off kingdom, and so on. So it was meant to be this time too. "1" - Zenit's victory in the UEFA Cup, "2" - our national team's victory at the World Hockey Championship, and then, damn it, Dima Bilan shows up...

In light of recent events...

1. Zenit, miraculously defeating Bayern 4:0 on May 1st, advances to the UEFA final.

2. Zenit, miraculously beating their rivals from Glasgow 2:0, wins the UEFA Cup for Russia.

3. The hockey team, miraculously defeating the Canadians in the year of the 100th anniversary of hockey on their own turf, becomes champions.

4. The trio led by Belan miraculously defeats everyone at Eurovision.

5. The Russian team in walking football miraculously defeats the Greeks 0:1.

6. The Russian team in almost football miraculously defeats their rivals from Sweden 2:0 and advances to the quarter-finals of Euro 2008.

7. The Russian team in Real Football tears apart the Dutch 1:3 and breaks through, like a locomotive, to the semi-finals.

And that's it.
Medvedev has run out of his magic flower...

I was laughing at an ad online – some guy decided to get rid of a rubber frying pan and sell it. He wrote a comment: “RUBBER FRYING PAN! Let out your emotions without harming your family happiness!” (the frying pan was intended exclusively for wives to re-educate disobedient husbands) :D And I thought… poor guy, his wife must have really tormented him with this frying pan, so he decided to sell it :D

This same guy is selling cast iron slippers and perfume with the scent of stale alcohol. :D

Это нечто:smile52: :smile52: :smile52:
http://other-forum.com/viewtopic.php?id=499&p=1

Moska's version))) I'm speechless.

One blonde asks another: - What do you dream about? - I dream that one day I'll meet a fairy who will give me one hundred thousand dollars. - Why not a million? - Well, a million is unrealistic. A guy was dumped by his girlfriend. And he deserved it. Nevertheless, he's very upset and, slightly tipsy, tries to analyze the reasons for the breakup again, getting lost in memories: - No, tell me, how do you women do it? Two years ago, when I came to see her in the evening, she kissed me and said, "Yaroslav, you smell so good, so masculine, like cigarettes, cognac, and something else very pleasant, like lemon..." - And recently, suspiciously sniffing from the other end of the room, she barked, "You're here? You reek of tobacco! And, of course, you're drunk again! Did you drink cognac again? And you probably snacked on some kind of crap, like lemon..." iMac iPod iPhone iMolodets, listen up! Urgent! Looking for a job as a kebab taster; I can also taste sausages, cheese, caviar, vodka, beer, etc., as a side job. P.S.: I'll bring my own dishes and serving utensils. Family contract work is possible. And here's another joke, for Death Knights:D

The president summons the Minister of Internal Affairs and asks: P: Report to me, how is service in the internal affairs going? Are all the employees satisfied? M: They are satisfied, satisfied. Except they complain about the low salary. We should raise it. P: Let's try lowering the salary and see what happens. A month passes. The president summons the minister and asks: P: So, how is it going? M: They complain about the salary, but they still come to work. P: Let's cut their salary in half again and see what happens. Another month passes. P: So, how is our police force doing? M: They complain about the salary, but strangely enough, they still come to work! P: Let's not pay them at all and see what happens. A month passes. The minister reports: M: You won't believe it! They still come to work! P: Let's make them pay for working! An investigator interrogates a suspect, and at some point, he lights a cigarette. - Do you smoke cigarettes? - Yes, so what? - Are you a drug addict? - No, why do you ask? - It's convenient to make a joint with cigarettes. Such habits can say a lot about a person. The suspect looks at the investigator and moves as far away as possible, along with the chair. - What are you doing? – the investigator asks, puzzled. - Well, you often suck on a ballpoint pen! - So what? - Such habits can say a lot about a person... One man bought a parrot at the market and put the cage on the window. A policeman was passing by. The parrot, seeing him, shouted: "Dirty cop!" The policeman went in and fined the owner. The next day, the same thing happened. The next day, the policeman walks by again and anticipates how he will fine him again. But the day before, the owner had switched parrots with his neighbor, a priest. The policeman walks by - the parrot is silent. He approaches closely - the parrot is silent. - Don't you recognize me? It's me, the dirty cop. - It's too late to repent, my son!

Whether it's a meme or not, it's a meme... Anyway, I *fell and died*, as one of my good acquaintances says :)

Guestbook of the website ROSSIYA.RU
862 - Welcome to our website! Rurik, Truvor, and Sineus
897 - The Polovtsian prince Konchak visits us.
"Hello everyone! You're all goats, I'll do this to all of you, like this, and like that!"
System administrator Prince Igor kills the Polovtsian prince.
940 - Tsar of Constantinople:
"Dear, highly respected wise Oleg!
Can we remove your oh shit from the gates of our city?"
945 - "Hello everyone! Sincerely yours, Cyril and Methodius. There are cool
fonts with the letter 'izhitsa'."
988 - Princess Olga to Vladimir the Red Sun:
"I think paganism as a religion has outlived its usefulness in Rus'."
Vladimir to Princess Olga:
"It seems we need to get baptized."
1242 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Teutonic Knights:
"Excellent excursion, excellent people, excellent Lake Chudskoye.
We had a great time, thank you, Alexander Nevsky.
On behalf of 30,000 knights, Karl and Johan
(those who knew how to swim)."
1240 - The server was crashed by the Tatar-Mongol hackers. For a long time.
1533 - Ivan the Terrible:
"I posted an article on the website about raising children."
1605 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Poles:
"We went on an excursion with Ivan Susanin, expect a detailed report."
1700 - Selling pirated copies of "Windows 98 - a window to Europe."
1770 - Prince Potemkin-Taurichesky:
"Frank photos of Catherine II! Click here!"
1812 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Napoleon: "Excellent excursion, excellent people, excellent weather.
Thank you for seeing me off."
1825 - "Attention to visitors of the DEKABRISTY.RU and VOLNODUMTSY.RU chat rooms!
Today, there's a great get-together on Senate Square.
Bring lots of beer and pistols."
The DEKABRISTY.RU chat room has moved to the Irkutsk server. See the link.
1861 - Alexander II:
"Without code and shock, I will free you from serfdom."
1869 - Leo Tolstoy:
"I posted 'War and Peace' on the website."
System administrator:
"If you post that much again, I'll cut off the internet forever."
1898 - V. I. Lenin:
"I posted the textbook 'Communism for Dummies' on the website."
1924 - "Hey people! Everyone to collectivization!"
1928 - "Hey people! Everyone to industrialization!"
1938 - "Hey people!... Where did everyone go?"
1941 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
1942 - Hitler:
"I'm stuck on level 9. Has anyone even gotten past it?"
Stalin:
"Idiot, read the guestbook first."
1945 - Hitler:
"I read the guestbook first. Excellent excursion, excellent people.
It's a pity I didn't get to see the Hermitage in St. Petersburg, the mausoleum in Moscow, and
the local history museum in Stalingrad. Thank you for seeing me off.
By the way, why do you only write pointers and toasts on your tanks?
'To Berlin' and 'For Stalin'."
1958 - Frank photos of Kuzma's mother! Click here!
1961 - Gagarin: "And yet, it moves."
1970 - "Attention to visitors of the DISSIDENTY.RU and VOLNODUMTSY.RU chat rooms!
Today, there's a great get-together on Senate Square.
Bring lots of beer, pistols... and warm clothes."
1985 - The website is closed for perestroika.
1991 - What a perestroika...
2000 - Monsieur, je ne mange pas de ça, je suis fatigué, j'en ai marre.
2003 - Putin to G. Bush:
"I invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Bush: "Thank you, but I'd rather you come to us."

A village. An old woman is making moonshine. A hungover neighbor walks by, thinking, "I'll go see the old woman; maybe she'll give me some to help with my hangover." He goes in, and the old woman says to him, "Dear, keep an eye on the moonshine while I go to the store for sugar. If anything happens, just add some water." The water is running low, so the neighbor goes to get more. He returns, and there are police officers. "Well, sit down and write a statement about what happened." The neighbor writes the statement and gives it to the police. They read it: "I left my house and saw smoke coming from my neighbor's house. I thought there was a fire. I grabbed a bucket of water and ran over, and there were police officers making moonshine." At the police station: - Citizen! We received another report that you are beating your wife! - But I explained that that's just how we have sex. - But it says here that you knocked out all her teeth! - I choose safe sex! In a cafe, a local police officer, a riot police officer, and a traffic cop are having dinner. The waiter, while writing the bill, thinks: - Our local police officer, the cafe is in his district, so I'll give him a 20% discount. The riot police officer is also a good guy; maybe I'll need to ask him for help someday, so I'll give him a 50% discount. As for me, I sometimes break traffic laws, and my job sometimes requires me to drive home after drinking, so I won't charge the traffic cop for dinner. The local police officer and the riot police officer pay and leave, and the traffic cop sits there. After 10-15 minutes, the waiter turns to the traffic cop: - Did you know that someone paid for you? The traffic cop: - Yes, I'm waiting for my change!

- Vasy! Did you ever court anyone?
- Yes! Back in the village, I looked after the livestock...



New names for children:
Gukhislav - Gus Hiddink, be glorified!
Sparokhid - Hiddink, savior of Russia.
Luizhir - Zhirkov, the best player.
Mylohnush - We break through, the Swedes bend.
Skotena - Fast and skillful attack.
Ardhoras - Arshavin, a worthy playmaker.
Vinelupa - Villa? No, Pavlyuchenko is better.
Luevrak - Akinfeev, the best European goalkeeper.
Mudita - We are lucky and talented.



- Good morning, this is the "Clever Hands" show, and I am its host, Andrei Bakhmetyev. For twenty years, I have been giving you valuable advice on how to make a CD stand, a bird feeder, or a drill case from an ordinary plastic bottle. Now it's time for you to help me. Dear friends, if any of you know how to make a rear bumper for a Maybach from plastic bottles, please send your advice to our address.



- Hello, please give me the cheapest Bluetooth headset.
- What model of phone do you have?
- I don't have a phone. I just talk to myself on the street, and I want people not to be scared.



You can feel great even with high cholesterol! But with our new drug, we won't allow that...



A man over 80 is being tried and sentenced to 25 years.
He listened to the verdict and said in his final words:
- Honorable judges, thank you for your trust. I will try to live up to it.



The main intrigue of the detective story is that it is not clear who the murderer is until the very end.
The main gimmick of the series is that it is not clear who is whose child until the very end.

during the conversation:

xxx: there are always two piles of things and socks: 1. A pile of dirty items 2. A pile of dirty items, but they can still be worn.
yyy: Yeah. And over time, items from pile 2 move to pile 1, and when needed, pile 1 is checked, and the "cleanest" items are moved to pile 2.
zzz: Or the piles 2 and 1 simply switch places.

but only in Russian movies do people check the pulse of someone with a gunshot wound to the head.

Goal!
Goal!
Another goal – and it’s another score! Karpin scores the tenth goal against the
Brazilian national team! That’s right, we need to score as many as possible, because tomorrow the
Brazilian national team is coming.


The players of the Russian national football team congratulate their coach on his
birthday:
- The best gift for me would be your victories.
- It’s too late, we already bought you a tie.

- This is terrible! – the wife of a football fan is indignant – you know by heart the
schedule of the championship and the names of all the football players, but you definitely don’t
remember our wedding anniversary!
- That’s not true. We got married when our national team lost to Iceland.


The Russian national team has two ways to win the World Cup:
realistic and fantastic.
Realistic: aliens will arrive and help us.
Fantastic: we will win on our own.

The Russian national team managed to go to the World Cup in Germany. They collected
five wrappers from “Snickers” bars.

Our national team has once again pleased the fans. This time, they were
Italian fans.

Italy - Russia 1:0. I won’t eat spaghetti...
Ukraine - Russia 3:2. I won’t eat lard...
Russia - France 2:3. I won’t eat frogs...
Iceland - Russia 1:0. I’m going to miss herring...

On the notice board in the company:
All requests for time off for family reasons, illness, to give evidence in court, etc. must be submitted to the personnel department no later than
24 hours before the start of the match.

During the break in the football match, the coach addresses the players:
- Guys, don’t think I’m superstitious, but with a score of 0:13, I’m starting to
doubt our victory.

Here's a funny story about Heroes.

My friend and I decided to play a hotseat game of Heroes I. My friend isn't very experienced with the game, so I was giving him tips and helping him out. Aria is playing in Winamp, and my friend hires some fairies.
Me: Oh, "Temptation" is coming up! :cool:
Friend: What do you mean "temptation"? :confused:
Me: Well, it's Aria, the song "Temptation" ;)
Friend: Oh, I thought the fairies would be tempting :o

1970s: - Do you think our team will win against the Canadians with a clean sheet, or will Tretiak let in one or two goals? 1980s: - I wonder who will become the champion, our team or the Czechs? 1990s: - Who will get the bronze medal? Our team or the Finns? 2000: - Who has a better chance of being eliminated after the qualifying round? Our team or the Italians? 2008 WHAT ELSE CAN WE WIN?