Posts from Fun Auto-translated

I was laughing at an ad online – some guy decided to get rid of a rubber frying pan and sell it. He wrote a comment: “RUBBER FRYING PAN! Let out your emotions without harming your family happiness!” (the frying pan was intended exclusively for wives to re-educate disobedient husbands) :D And I thought… poor guy, his wife must have really tormented him with this frying pan, so he decided to sell it :D

This same guy is selling cast iron slippers and perfume with the scent of stale alcohol. :D

Это нечто:smile52: :smile52: :smile52:
http://other-forum.com/viewtopic.php?id=499&p=1

Moska's version))) I'm speechless.

One blonde asks another: - What do you dream about? - I dream that one day I'll meet a fairy who will give me one hundred thousand dollars. - Why not a million? - Well, a million is unrealistic. A guy was dumped by his girlfriend. And he deserved it. Nevertheless, he's very upset and, slightly tipsy, tries to analyze the reasons for the breakup again, getting lost in memories: - No, tell me, how do you women do it? Two years ago, when I came to see her in the evening, she kissed me and said, "Yaroslav, you smell so good, so masculine, like cigarettes, cognac, and something else very pleasant, like lemon..." - And recently, suspiciously sniffing from the other end of the room, she barked, "You're here? You reek of tobacco! And, of course, you're drunk again! Did you drink cognac again? And you probably snacked on some kind of crap, like lemon..." iMac iPod iPhone iMolodets, listen up! Urgent! Looking for a job as a kebab taster; I can also taste sausages, cheese, caviar, vodka, beer, etc., as a side job. P.S.: I'll bring my own dishes and serving utensils. Family contract work is possible. And here's another joke, for Death Knights:D

The president summons the Minister of Internal Affairs and asks: P: Report to me, how is service in the internal affairs going? Are all the employees satisfied? M: They are satisfied, satisfied. Except they complain about the low salary. We should raise it. P: Let's try lowering the salary and see what happens. A month passes. The president summons the minister and asks: P: So, how is it going? M: They complain about the salary, but they still come to work. P: Let's cut their salary in half again and see what happens. Another month passes. P: So, how is our police force doing? M: They complain about the salary, but strangely enough, they still come to work! P: Let's not pay them at all and see what happens. A month passes. The minister reports: M: You won't believe it! They still come to work! P: Let's make them pay for working! An investigator interrogates a suspect, and at some point, he lights a cigarette. - Do you smoke cigarettes? - Yes, so what? - Are you a drug addict? - No, why do you ask? - It's convenient to make a joint with cigarettes. Such habits can say a lot about a person. The suspect looks at the investigator and moves as far away as possible, along with the chair. - What are you doing? – the investigator asks, puzzled. - Well, you often suck on a ballpoint pen! - So what? - Such habits can say a lot about a person... One man bought a parrot at the market and put the cage on the window. A policeman was passing by. The parrot, seeing him, shouted: "Dirty cop!" The policeman went in and fined the owner. The next day, the same thing happened. The next day, the policeman walks by again and anticipates how he will fine him again. But the day before, the owner had switched parrots with his neighbor, a priest. The policeman walks by - the parrot is silent. He approaches closely - the parrot is silent. - Don't you recognize me? It's me, the dirty cop. - It's too late to repent, my son!

Whether it's a meme or not, it's a meme... Anyway, I *fell and died*, as one of my good acquaintances says :)

Guestbook of the website ROSSIYA.RU
862 - Welcome to our website! Rurik, Truvor, and Sineus
897 - The Polovtsian prince Konchak visits us.
"Hello everyone! You're all goats, I'll do this to all of you, like this, and like that!"
System administrator Prince Igor kills the Polovtsian prince.
940 - Tsar of Constantinople:
"Dear, highly respected wise Oleg!
Can we remove your oh shit from the gates of our city?"
945 - "Hello everyone! Sincerely yours, Cyril and Methodius. There are cool
fonts with the letter 'izhitsa'."
988 - Princess Olga to Vladimir the Red Sun:
"I think paganism as a religion has outlived its usefulness in Rus'."
Vladimir to Princess Olga:
"It seems we need to get baptized."
1242 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Teutonic Knights:
"Excellent excursion, excellent people, excellent Lake Chudskoye.
We had a great time, thank you, Alexander Nevsky.
On behalf of 30,000 knights, Karl and Johan
(those who knew how to swim)."
1240 - The server was crashed by the Tatar-Mongol hackers. For a long time.
1533 - Ivan the Terrible:
"I posted an article on the website about raising children."
1605 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Poles:
"We went on an excursion with Ivan Susanin, expect a detailed report."
1700 - Selling pirated copies of "Windows 98 - a window to Europe."
1770 - Prince Potemkin-Taurichesky:
"Frank photos of Catherine II! Click here!"
1812 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Napoleon: "Excellent excursion, excellent people, excellent weather.
Thank you for seeing me off."
1825 - "Attention to visitors of the DEKABRISTY.RU and VOLNODUMTSY.RU chat rooms!
Today, there's a great get-together on Senate Square.
Bring lots of beer and pistols."
The DEKABRISTY.RU chat room has moved to the Irkutsk server. See the link.
1861 - Alexander II:
"Without code and shock, I will free you from serfdom."
1869 - Leo Tolstoy:
"I posted 'War and Peace' on the website."
System administrator:
"If you post that much again, I'll cut off the internet forever."
1898 - V. I. Lenin:
"I posted the textbook 'Communism for Dummies' on the website."
1924 - "Hey people! Everyone to collectivization!"
1928 - "Hey people! Everyone to industrialization!"
1938 - "Hey people!... Where did everyone go?"
1941 - Advertisement on the website:
"We invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
1942 - Hitler:
"I'm stuck on level 9. Has anyone even gotten past it?"
Stalin:
"Idiot, read the guestbook first."
1945 - Hitler:
"I read the guestbook first. Excellent excursion, excellent people.
It's a pity I didn't get to see the Hermitage in St. Petersburg, the mausoleum in Moscow, and
the local history museum in Stalingrad. Thank you for seeing me off.
By the way, why do you only write pointers and toasts on your tanks?
'To Berlin' and 'For Stalin'."
1958 - Frank photos of Kuzma's mother! Click here!
1961 - Gagarin: "And yet, it moves."
1970 - "Attention to visitors of the DISSIDENTY.RU and VOLNODUMTSY.RU chat rooms!
Today, there's a great get-together on Senate Square.
Bring lots of beer, pistols... and warm clothes."
1985 - The website is closed for perestroika.
1991 - What a perestroika...
2000 - Monsieur, je ne mange pas de ça, je suis fatigué, j'en ai marre.
2003 - Putin to G. Bush:
"I invite you to take excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia!"
Bush: "Thank you, but I'd rather you come to us."

A village. An old woman is making moonshine. A hungover neighbor walks by, thinking, "I'll go see the old woman; maybe she'll give me some to help with my hangover." He goes in, and the old woman says to him, "Dear, keep an eye on the moonshine while I go to the store for sugar. If anything happens, just add some water." The water is running low, so the neighbor goes to get more. He returns, and there are police officers. "Well, sit down and write a statement about what happened." The neighbor writes the statement and gives it to the police. They read it: "I left my house and saw smoke coming from my neighbor's house. I thought there was a fire. I grabbed a bucket of water and ran over, and there were police officers making moonshine." At the police station: - Citizen! We received another report that you are beating your wife! - But I explained that that's just how we have sex. - But it says here that you knocked out all her teeth! - I choose safe sex! In a cafe, a local police officer, a riot police officer, and a traffic cop are having dinner. The waiter, while writing the bill, thinks: - Our local police officer, the cafe is in his district, so I'll give him a 20% discount. The riot police officer is also a good guy; maybe I'll need to ask him for help someday, so I'll give him a 50% discount. As for me, I sometimes break traffic laws, and my job sometimes requires me to drive home after drinking, so I won't charge the traffic cop for dinner. The local police officer and the riot police officer pay and leave, and the traffic cop sits there. After 10-15 minutes, the waiter turns to the traffic cop: - Did you know that someone paid for you? The traffic cop: - Yes, I'm waiting for my change!

- Vasy! Did you ever court anyone?
- Yes! Back in the village, I looked after the livestock...



New names for children:
Gukhislav - Gus Hiddink, be glorified!
Sparokhid - Hiddink, savior of Russia.
Luizhir - Zhirkov, the best player.
Mylohnush - We break through, the Swedes bend.
Skotena - Fast and skillful attack.
Ardhoras - Arshavin, a worthy playmaker.
Vinelupa - Villa? No, Pavlyuchenko is better.
Luevrak - Akinfeev, the best European goalkeeper.
Mudita - We are lucky and talented.



- Good morning, this is the "Clever Hands" show, and I am its host, Andrei Bakhmetyev. For twenty years, I have been giving you valuable advice on how to make a CD stand, a bird feeder, or a drill case from an ordinary plastic bottle. Now it's time for you to help me. Dear friends, if any of you know how to make a rear bumper for a Maybach from plastic bottles, please send your advice to our address.



- Hello, please give me the cheapest Bluetooth headset.
- What model of phone do you have?
- I don't have a phone. I just talk to myself on the street, and I want people not to be scared.



You can feel great even with high cholesterol! But with our new drug, we won't allow that...



A man over 80 is being tried and sentenced to 25 years.
He listened to the verdict and said in his final words:
- Honorable judges, thank you for your trust. I will try to live up to it.



The main intrigue of the detective story is that it is not clear who the murderer is until the very end.
The main gimmick of the series is that it is not clear who is whose child until the very end.

during the conversation:

xxx: there are always two piles of things and socks: 1. A pile of dirty items 2. A pile of dirty items, but they can still be worn.
yyy: Yeah. And over time, items from pile 2 move to pile 1, and when needed, pile 1 is checked, and the "cleanest" items are moved to pile 2.
zzz: Or the piles 2 and 1 simply switch places.

but only in Russian movies do people check the pulse of someone with a gunshot wound to the head.

Goal!
Goal!
Another goal – and it’s another score! Karpin scores the tenth goal against the
Brazilian national team! That’s right, we need to score as many as possible, because tomorrow the
Brazilian national team is coming.


The players of the Russian national football team congratulate their coach on his
birthday:
- The best gift for me would be your victories.
- It’s too late, we already bought you a tie.

- This is terrible! – the wife of a football fan is indignant – you know by heart the
schedule of the championship and the names of all the football players, but you definitely don’t
remember our wedding anniversary!
- That’s not true. We got married when our national team lost to Iceland.


The Russian national team has two ways to win the World Cup:
realistic and fantastic.
Realistic: aliens will arrive and help us.
Fantastic: we will win on our own.

The Russian national team managed to go to the World Cup in Germany. They collected
five wrappers from “Snickers” bars.

Our national team has once again pleased the fans. This time, they were
Italian fans.

Italy - Russia 1:0. I won’t eat spaghetti...
Ukraine - Russia 3:2. I won’t eat lard...
Russia - France 2:3. I won’t eat frogs...
Iceland - Russia 1:0. I’m going to miss herring...

On the notice board in the company:
All requests for time off for family reasons, illness, to give evidence in court, etc. must be submitted to the personnel department no later than
24 hours before the start of the match.

During the break in the football match, the coach addresses the players:
- Guys, don’t think I’m superstitious, but with a score of 0:13, I’m starting to
doubt our victory.

Here's a funny story about Heroes.

My friend and I decided to play a hotseat game of Heroes I. My friend isn't very experienced with the game, so I was giving him tips and helping him out. Aria is playing in Winamp, and my friend hires some fairies.
Me: Oh, "Temptation" is coming up! :cool:
Friend: What do you mean "temptation"? :confused:
Me: Well, it's Aria, the song "Temptation" ;)
Friend: Oh, I thought the fairies would be tempting :o

1970s: - Do you think our team will win against the Canadians with a clean sheet, or will Tretiak let in one or two goals? 1980s: - I wonder who will become the champion, our team or the Czechs? 1990s: - Who will get the bronze medal? Our team or the Finns? 2000: - Who has a better chance of being eliminated after the qualifying round? Our team or the Italians? 2008 WHAT ELSE CAN WE WIN?

Cheburashka to Crocodile Gena: - Gena, Gena, look, what a long life line I have - from my paw to my tummy! - You fool, Cheburashka! It's just that moths have been nibbling at you. Crocodile Gena and Old Lady Shapoklyak were riding in a train car and were looking at each other challengingly. Finally, Shapoklyak demonstratively took out the book "Man is the King of the Beasts" and, whistling, began to flip through it. Gena grinned menacingly and took out the book "About Delicious and Healthy Food"... The N-th Factory of arcade machines has started producing a new product - ATMs. A distinctive feature of the new ATMs is that when a customer withdraws a particularly large sum of money, garlands light up and start flashing, sirens wail, and several buckets of brand new, shiny coins pour out from a special opening with a clatter. - I have a golden husband, golden children, and a golden "Maggi" bouillon cube. ...And we melted down my mother-in-law - and now I have golden bracelets, a ring, and a watch! A pigeon is flying and thinking: "Where are the people? There's no one to feed me, and no one to poop on..." - What a stupid assortment of goods in your store: pipes, drums, coffins, rifles, pistols... - Who knows! The day before yesterday, I sold a drum, yesterday - a rifle, today - a coffin. Ivan comes to the Tsar: - I have fulfilled my promise, here is the dragon's head. Will you fulfill yours? - Yes, here is the princess's hand... A son goes to 1st grade, and his first question to the teacher is: - What profession would you recommend I get so that I can become the President of the Russian Federation in the future? - Mom! I'm hungry! - Oh, my little helper! Don't worry, Mom has already eaten everything! Go to sleep!

I've collected quite a few computer-related jokes; I don't know if they're old news, but here they are: I really like the band Unknown Artist; you know them, they sing Track 1, Track 2. And I really love Track 9! From the security department's report: ...regarding the Chinese hacking of the Pentagon's server: 1) Each Chinese person tried one password. 2) Every other password was "maodzedun." 3) On the 657983241st attempt, the server agreed that its password was "maodzedun." A programmer meets girls: - Girls, would you like some tea? - No! - How about coffee? - No!! - Maybe some vodka? - No!!! - Strange... the standard drivers didn't work... At the World Championship of Female Logic, a random number generator won by a large margin. Two programmers are sitting in a cafe. A stunning woman walks by. - She has great properties, says one. - I checked yesterday... they're all read-only, the other replies sadly. Microsoft decided to recall 1,000,000,000 keyboards. The reason: wear and tear on the Ctr, Alt, and Del keys. At 3 a.m., she quietly sneaked into the next room. She smashed a 17-inch monitor, glued the floppy disks together, threw the system unit out the window of the 12th floor, and drowned the printer in the bathtub. Then she returned to her warm bed and snuggled up to her unsuspecting programmer husband. She has less than 3 hours to live. A nouveau riche visits another. He looks around and sees that the entire floor is covered with small, beautiful, shiny tiles. - What are those on your floor? - These are new floor tiles... They're expensive... - Why are they so small? - Because they're from a good company! - Which one? - Intel... A man comes home, sits down at the computer, and starts yelling at his wife: - Did you cheat on me? - No, how could I? - Did you cheat on me? - Yes, who could I have cheated with? - Admit it, did you cheat on me? - Well, I slept with the neighbor once... - I'm asking, did you change the password for logging into the network? A programmer's job and a shaman's job have a lot in common: both mumble incomprehensible words, perform incomprehensible actions, and cannot explain how it works. The best game server is Earth: there's only one map, but it has 6 billion players; there are no cheaters, the admin is patient, but if he bans you... - Attention, Earth! This is Flight 13! Our onboard computer has failed! What should we do? - Flight 13! Flight 13! This is dispatch! Do you hear me? Play on the backup for now! Play on the backup!

Brief summary of well-known plots

"The Wolf and the Seven Kids"
The Wolf and the Seven Kids.
The Wolf and the Six Kids.
The Wolf and the Five Kids...

"The Gingerbread Man"
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom.

"The Turnip"
-Ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Thump!

Movie "Jaws"
-Nom-nom. Nom-nom. Nom-nom.

"The Little Bull" (Agniya Barto)
-Moo-oo-oo! Clop-clop-clop. Thump!

"Anna Karenina"
-Choo-choo! Thump!

"Mu-Mu"
-Woof-woof!
-Blub-blub.

"The Frog Princess"
-Croak-croak!
-Smooch-smooch.

Movie "Titanic"
-Smooch-smooch!
-Thump!
-Blub-blub.

"Crime and Punishment"
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Thump!

"Little Red Riding Hood"
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Nom-nom!

German porn
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Did you call for a plumber?
-Yes-yes! Smooch-smooch! Nom-nom! Thump! Smooch-smooch! Nom-nom! Thump!

Male detective
-Thump-thump-thump! Smooch. Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump!

Female detective
-Thump! Smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch...