Posts from Fun Auto-translated

A farmer was buying a Mercedes E-Class at a dealership. He was greatly surprised by the cost of the options that were not included in the car's standard equipment. Later, when the dealership director bought a cow from that farmer, the farmer issued him an invoice.
Invoice: cow (standard version) base price 2400 units;
combined paint job (black and white) 150 units;
leather upholstery 100 units;
winter-summer milk tank 50 units;
nostrils, with horn inside 17.50 units;
per one... 35 units;
semi-automatic flyswatter (tail) 30 units;
exhaust gas toxicity reduction system 60 units;
all-weather and all-terrain hooves 100 units;
dual-circuit braking system (rear and front legs) 400 units;
multi-tone horn 135 units;
blue eyes, halogen 150 units;
any-fuel utilization systems 1250 units.
Total for the cow according to the invoice - 4910 units.

Added after 10 hours 3 minutes
Everything is alive in bobruysk the army! :smile19:

ZZZZ )))))))))))))))))))))))))

http://www.gamedev.ru/art/forum/?id=5592 - the first model (a charismatic gnome)

http://www.gamedev.ru/art/forum/?id=66447 - the second model (brutal and heartless)

IT IS RECOMMENDED to watch the first link first, and then the second, and it is DESIRABLE to READ! =)))

P.S. maybe someone has already seen this))

Stages of computer addiction, symptoms, and treatment methods

First stage (mild)

Symptoms: the person sits down at the computer, turns it on, works, and goes home at the end of the workday, after which they don't think about the computer until the next morning. Appetite and sleep are normal, and there are no headaches or stomach pains.

Treatment: no treatment is needed at this time.

Second stage (semi-mild)

Symptoms: the patient shows increased interest in the computer, expressed in unhealthy excitement that overcomes them when they see the object. Appetite is normal. Sleep is restless, with screams and squeaks. They stay at work for 2-3 hours and frantically presses buttons.

Treatment: remove the patient from the computer, administer medical alcohol internally 3 times a day, 0.5 tablespoons each time. Put computer literature in an inaccessible place. Meet them after work.

Third stage (moderate severity)

Symptoms: the patient stays at work for more than 4-5 hours after the end of the workday, saves money for a home computer. In everyday life, they begin to use computer terminology and do not react to the widened eyes of those around them. Appetite is increased. Sleep is restless, with exclamations of computer words and unreasonable laughter. They become highly excited when they see a computer or meet a patient in the 3rd stage or higher. In this case, the disease may progress to the 4th stage.

Treatment: isolate the patient from society and from the computer, take away the money, and get them married. In case of violent behavior and refusal of treatment, administer 1-2 buckets of vodka with Port wine "777" mixed in a 1:2 ratio into the stomach. Do not give them a basin.

Fourth stage (severe)

Symptoms: the patient buys a modem and a computer. Their speech is full of various computer words and their combinations. They invent new words, save money for a dedicated line. Appetite is greatly increased. They eat any food at any time of the day if it is available. They sleep 3-4 hours a day, as they call using the modem at night and make the cries described in volume 3 of the series "Animal Life" (chapter 1 - "Behavior of a male rhesus macaque during the mating period") with each connection. Sexual desire is reduced. There is no vomiting, work, delirium, or stomach pain.

Treatment: only in a hospital.

Fifth stage (hopeless)

Symptoms: the patient sets up a BBS, opens their own website, organizes several mailing lists, and devotes all their free time to these activities, apart from making calls and programming. Speech is incoherent, consisting of 80% or more of computer jargon with special terms. Appetite and sleep are absent. They only eat what comes within direct sight, regardless of the type and quality of the product, and pay attention to those around them only if they pronounce phrases related to computers. Sexual desire is completely absent, as they periodically experience a feeling of deep satisfaction from the line on the screen "Connect 28 800...". They keep a night pot and a pack of tea near the computer, which they forget to mix with water.

Treatment: incurable.

A drunk guy on a bus in the summer keeps losing his balance and bumping his nose into the armpit of the girl standing next to him, then he can't take it anymore and says:
- Damn it, either put on some underwear or lower your leg!!!

Added 17 minutes later
A 7-year-old boy prompts his 4-year-old brother:
- Hey, bro, we're already big, it's time for us to start arguing.
- It's time, - the little one agrees.
- So, here's the plan, - says the older one. - Tomorrow morning, we go out for breakfast, I say "b_ya," and you say "go to hell." And we watch the parents' reaction.
It was said, it was done. The next morning, they are sitting in the kitchen, and mom turns to the older one:
- What do you want for breakfast?
- I'd like some pancakes, - he answers quickly.
WHACK! - Mom slaps him hard on the back of the head, and the boy runs out of the kitchen crying, holding his head.
- Well, what about you? - Mom asks the younger one with a threatening tone.
- I don't know anymore, - the little one answers timidly, - but I don't want those pancakes anymore!

As long as you remember Russian, your life in the Czech Republic will be one big fun. "Voniavky" in Czech means perfumes, "cherstvyye potraviny" means fresh produce, "padlo s bydlom na plavidle" means a handsome guy with an oar on a boat, and so on.
They say that a few years ago, Russian tourists were laughing hysterically, looking at the "Coca-Cola" billboards. There was a traditional frozen bottle, and the inscription on the billboard read: "Dokonali tvar!" The laughing Russians didn't immediately realize that in Czech, this inscription was just a powerful advertising slogan - "Perfect creation!".
In Prague, above the entrance to some entertainment venues, there is an inscription - "Devki darom". Imagine how disappointed Russian-speaking men are when they find out that this simply means that girls don't pay for entry! And also, a residential building is called a "barak," and "hello, friend" is "akhoy perdelka"...... And that's true!

A drunk guy on the bus keeps losing his balance and bumping his nose into the armpit of the girl standing next to him. Then, he can't take it anymore and says:
- Damn it, either put on some underwear or lower your leg!!!

Added 17 minutes later
A 7-year-old boy is egging on his 4-year-old brother:
- Hey, bro, we're getting big now, it's time we started arguing.
- Yeah, it's time, - the little one agrees.
- So, here's the plan, - the older one says. - Tomorrow morning, we'll go have breakfast, and I'll say "__I," and you'll say "fuck off." And we'll watch our parents' reaction.
So they do it. The next morning, they're sitting in the kitchen, and mom turns to the older one:
- What do you want for breakfast?
- I'd like some pancakes, - he replies quickly.
BAM! - Mom slaps him on the back of the head, and the boy runs out of the kitchen crying, holding his head.
- Well, what about you? - Mom asks the younger one with a threatening tone.
- I don't know anymore, - the little one replies timidly, - but I don't want any pancakes like that!

I can't imagine "Drunk in the ass" Arandor, explain how is that????

Your little one has such delicate skin and such tough meat! :D

- Why can't people fly?
- The question should be phrased more accurately: why can't people fly upwards?

A song by Pinocchio:

- I gently embrace
The curve of the yellow guitar
In general, I like all wooden things
Of course
For my ardent passion
Malvina is too bland
But a rake
A birdhouse, and a shovel
Now that's something

A friend of mine told me this story. She also has a friend, a big guy, about 2 meters tall and many centimeters wide. And he's bald.
One evening, he went to the supermarket, bought some junk food, came home, and realized the total was too high. He looked at the receipt - a bunch of green onions cost 40 hryvnias instead of 4.
He got dressed, angry and hungry, and went back to the store to demand a refund. The cashier couldn't help, it took a long time, and the big guy was ready to tear the store apart.
The manager appeared, small, thin, in a suit. He listened, thought for a moment, and said: "You know, there will be problems with the refund. Take the rest of the money and buy more onions. Buy a lot of onions, and everything will be fine."
The big guy turned red, then green, slowly grabbed the manager by the collar of his jacket, lifted him off the ground, raised his head to his level, and calmly said: "Okay. I'll buy onions with all the money. But you, you little bastard, will eat it right here and now."
The money was immediately returned.

Added 13 hours 46 minutes later
I observed a similar scene in a small shop:
- There was a line. A drunk man of intellectual appearance was standing there. It was his turn. Gathering his strength, he said:
- Gin and tonic... The saleswoman reached for the top shelf, couldn't reach, put a stool there, got a bottle of "Gordon's" gin, climbed down, and put it on the counter. The man continued:
- ... "Ochakiv"... The saleswoman spat (there were a lot of people around), ran to the storage room, moved boxes around, found "Ochakiv," moved the boxes again, and returned with a bottle of "Ochakiv" gin, putting it on the counter. The man continued:
- ... two...

An intelligent family is selling two pianos, five coats, and one grand piano. They are getting in the way in the corridor

Added after 3 hours 33 minutes
The Ministry of Health warns: working is harmful! :smile31:


Quotes from teachers and professors

I'll decide for myself which of you wants to come to the board.
Not only are you deaf, you also hear poorly!
Now all your fun is going to be in one uncensored place!
Well, look at how he hugged his ball! Why don't you kiss it too!
He's sick, you see... Well, maybe I died yesterday!
Once you become a professor, I will personally write you a permit to put your feet on the table
Where did you get ten extra atoms from—are you giving birth to them...
Why are your hands shaking? It's the fourth lesson, the day has only just begun!
You didn't close your mouth in order to close your mouth, but in order to speak
I don't hear an answer. You don't know? You, Kolpakova, are a spoke in the wheel of social development!
Let's rewind the packing of the schoolbags in reverse order
Non-regulation schoolbags will be brutally kicked.
We have one and a half men here...
Once again, this herd has stomped in without their indoor shoes!
Your motto is: glug-glug and down you go!
Go have a swim in the toilet...
I'll call you at 20 o'clock at night!
What is it that you can't manage? Getting married?
I love Pushkin very much. I even read him.
Ivanov, why are you standing there like a pole that keeps standing up and sitting down?
Migratory birds fly and fly, and they find their place in paragraph 57.
The topic is very necessary and complex, so strain whatever you've got.
Why are you twitching at your desk like an amputated limb?
It's only Thursday, and you're already saying things like that!
My dear! That's not a sinusoid—that's a backside!
Internal lack of cleanliness.
Come to the board, Kolpakova, sing us something.
Nozdrev was a spendthrift and a RECORD PLAYER.
Buzz-buzz-buzz, mutter-mutter-mutter, it's like an aquarium in here!
Your brains are designed on the principle of a toilet: everything that gets in is immediately flushed away.
Is it possible that I've lived so many years and I don't know what is located in your house!!!
Hang your ears out so that more noodles can fit on them...
Well, of course, you don't smoke, you don't drink... You girls are just like nurses of mercy.
Katkov, do you want me to stick something on your back too?
Do you have mice frolicking in these notebooks?
Did I end up in a monkey house?
I'll rip your arms off starting from the ears...
Well, Katinka, what are you going to oink at me this time?
Guys, which of you takes the tram to school?
Today we will continue further with you
Put yourselves in the position of a gimlet
We will make corrections to your brains
The Orlov brothers sat down to play cards, got drunk, quarreled, and accidentally killed Peter III.
You may go for recess. Hold hands and go in pairs. And do not talk.
Run after every female teacher and pet her in different directions.
It's like a sledgehammer to the head for me, and yet—no one complained...
I've been observing you for a whole lesson since yesterday.
You, Linnikov, are late for the third time this week! Your next late arrival will be the fourth!!!
Based on the results of this test, we have determined who will mop the classroom floors after lessons today.
Now attention! On the count of "one" everyone jumps, on the count of "two"—lower yourselves to the surface.
Yelnyakov! Stop counting crows outside the window! Especially since those are three pigeons and one cat.
The meaning of your life for the next forty minutes is to solve this system of equations.
Grizzlies are very large and ferocious bears. Fortunately for us, they are found somewhere in America.
I missed you very much too. So much that there are simply no words. Therefore, I'd better stay silent.
Kulkov! Personally, which is closer to you—Fonvizin's "The Minor" or Dostoevsky's "The Idiot"?
Girls and boys! Tomorrow everyone comes in white shirts and dark skirts.
Water molecules attach to chlorine atoms with their negative side.
And you can write a complaint to the head of studies, the principal, or any other devil.
Who will answer? No one? What on earth?! It's an easy question! Come on, hands up!
Guys, did anyone peek into the classroom during the lesson? Just in case I was changing in there?
He was in love twice: once in Germany, and once with Lyubov Dmitrievna.
The rag is dry again! On-duty student! Who do you think is going to wet the rag for you, Putin?

Added after 29 minutes
(not mine)
"Mom, Dad, crunch-crunch!". Cursed be that wretched creative who birthed this advertisement...
In the morning we are on the bus, I'm taking my child to kindergarten. The child is at the "why" age and actively asks questions. On this day, he was very preoccupied with the problem of when Mom and Dad would give him a little brother.
It should be noted that it's the child's birthday, so he's all dressed up, in a little suit with a little tie, and all the few passengers are admiring my little angel.
And then this little angel LOUDLY blurted out:
- Moooom, you put me to sleep yesterday, and then I ran out of the room and saw how you were doing crunch-crunch to Daddy!!!
I turn red from head to toe and withdraw into myself. I mean, I can't exactly explain to the people around me that I was cutting a "Prichuda" cake for my husband for tea... I was so embarrassed that I didn't even look at the reaction of those around me, but I heard giggles.
And then a grandma—a total sweet old thing—passing us to get to the exit, says:
- You won't have a little brother, grandson, as long as they're doing crunch-crunch. They ate him yesterday! Oh, youth, youth...

Late in the evening, the parents are going to the movies. Their five-year-old son stays at home. Before leaving, the father instructs:
- Don't open the door for anyone and don't even go near it! Your mother and I have the keys! Understand?
Son:
- Yes!
They leave, but the mother continues to worry. The father says:
- I'll go check now…
He goes to the door of their apartment and knocks…
Behind the door:
- Who's there?
Father:
- MOSGAZ, open up!
Behind the door:
- Get lost, we heat with wood!

-----------------------------------

- Oh, mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Am I the most beautiful, the reddest, and the whitest?
- You are beautiful, no doubt. But being the reddest and whitest at the same time is nonsense.

-----------------------------------

In connection with the recent "Ern" games in Estonia, Russia, together with Germany, decided to hold "occupation" games named after Molotov-Ribbentrop on the territory of the former USSR.
- Why should they just run around in the forests? Let them run away from the "Red" Army, - said a representative of the Russian Armed Forces.
- It will be especially interesting when we reach Poland, - added a representative of the German Armed Forces.

-----------------------------------

I wonder... What is Yakubovich thinking about?


-----------------------------------

http://ziza.ru/2005/03/14/dlya-tex-kto-vas-zamanal.html - just a funny thing. :p

Added 1 hour 22 minutes ago
Mr. President... :smile52:
http://caricatura.ru/ukol/goriachev/558/

Love van)))

P.S. I took the picture myself! And there's only one here, but there were several, all with license plates.

International diplomacy is like a flood forum on a macro level. The Moderator is the European Union.
...
Estonia/ Russian goats, they're getting in the way of us being fascists!
Lithuania/ +1
Latvia/ +1
Russia/ Go screw yourselves...
Estonia/ Hey, moderator, the Russians are swearing! Take action!
Russia/ Go screw yourselves...
EU/ Observe the rules of decency!
Estonia/ We'll remove the "Warrior" monument and build a Reichstag!
Russia/ Just try it! We'll shut off your valves!
Estonia/ Moderator! Russia is threatening! "Ban" them!
Lithuania/ +1
Latvia/ +1
EU/ Be mutually polite!
Russia/ We don't give a damn about any of you! Moderator, shut up these pugs!
USA/ Russia is taking too many liberties; we won't let anyone be bullied!
Russia/ Americans, shove your same-old missile defense system up your own asses, or we'll shut off your valves too!
USA/ Russian pigs, we'll show you democracy! Give us our oil willingly before we take it by force!
Georgia/ Russian goats!
Lithuania/ +1
Latvia/ +1
Russia/ Go screw yourselves...

Georgia/ Moderator! The Russians are swearing again!
Ukraine/ Russians, if you keep swearing, we'll join NATO.
EU/ Enough with the dogfighting already!..
Russia/ That's it, we're tightening the screws! Don't say you weren't warned!
EU/ What do we have to do with this?
USA/ The Russians have gotten out of hand. EU, where should we put the missiles?
Poland/ Here!
Czech Republic/ Here!
EU/ Maybe we shouldn't? We'll be in a tight spot without gas!
Britain/ The Russians are poisoning everyone with polonium!
USA/ This is terrible! Polonium is dangerous!
Japan/ Yeah, it was only useful for Hiroshima, thanks to the USA! Russians, give back the Kurils; we have nowhere left to breed!
Russia/ Are you all high over there? Where is the moderator looking?
USA/ Such rhetoric is unacceptable!
Georgia/ The Russians are bombing us!!! Help!!!
Russia/ Georgians, are you all just hungover or what?
USA/ Russians, watch your mouth!
Russia/ Go screw yourselves all...

EU/ let's figure this out
USA/ What is there to figure out—Russia is at fault!
Russia/ I agree with the Moderator—let's figure out why Georgia is at fault
USA/ Let Russia calm down first!
Georgia/ The Russians bombed us—we even have a picture!
Russia/ Georgians—shove that picture where you know what!
EU/ we like the Georgians' picture
USA/ Georgia, draw some more
Russia/ Well, we don't have any pictures and go screw yourselves all...

Poland\ And Russia also told us to fuck off on the eda.pl forum
Latvia\ +1
Lithuania\+1
Estonia\+1
EU\ 2 Poland – For what?
Poland\ I don't like the food
Russia\ 2 Poland - Eat your own rotten meat yourselves
EU\ 2 Russia – take it easy with the baseless accusations
Russia\ 2 EU http://www.eda.pl\brazilskaya\tu...._granitse.html
EU\ Ew! How disgusting. 2 Russia and Poland – figure it out yourselves. This isn't eda.pl
Poland\ I will complain
EU\ Write it, we'll read it.
Poland\ I'll write it, I'll write about everyone!
England\+1
Russia\ Go ahead and write until you're blue in the face!
England\ 2 Russia Now quickly send all your logins and passwords to my email ([email protected])!
Russia\ 2 England. And go screw...
England\ Moderators! Russia is violating everything possible! Where are you looking!
USA\ +1
Russia\ England is covering for hackers.http://www.uk.uk\berezovskiy\zakaev_terrorist.php
EU\ All personal grievances to email.

Russia/ First place, damn it! Accept our congratulations—1 million km of the Arctic is now ours. If anyone doesn't believe it, dive 4 km down and you'll see our tricolor there. Chilligarov rules!
USA/ Our President is wondering: where is the Arctic?
Russia/ Where there's a ton of oil and gas, but not in Iraq
USA/ Lies! Norway says only Norwegian salmon is harvested there.
Russia/ Correction: Russian salmon. And oil and gas. Russians. And diamonds. And many other treats. So where are the congratulations?
Canada/ -1
Norway/ -1
Iceland/ -1
Sweden/ -1
Finland/ -1
Denmark/ -1
USA/ This is not legitimate!
Russia/ Dive 4 km first, then talk.
USA/ Moderator, take action; we dove and saw that the entire bottom of the World Ocean is studded with Russian flags!
EU/ Russia, isn't enough for you?!? Why the hell do you need this ocean?
Russia/ "And I shall become the ruler of the seas, and the USA will be my errand boy!" Pushkin said it, just so you know.
USA/ Don't get ahead of yourselves! Better admit that you bombed half of Georgia.
Russia: Our President is wondering: where is Georgia?
USA/ ... it's... well... somewhere in the state of Georgia?
EU/ Generally, there are many disputed issues here: where Georgia is, where the Arctic is, etc. We need independent experts and so on. To follow our forum rules.
Russia/ Ok. Let the experts come. We don't care, the flag is planted. By the way, regarding the message for the experts...
USA/ We are against it in any case!
Russia/ Americans, shut up! Because according to our estimates, the Lomonosov Ridge extends all the way to Venezuela. Meaning this entire territory is a continuation of the Siberian continental shelf. Draw your conclusions!
Venezuela/ +1

Georgia/ Moderator, why is the UN silent?
UN/ let's not rush and study everything first
Georgia/ what is there to study—we have a missile and a picture
Russia/ shove the picture up your ass, and show us the missile
Georgia/ we'll shove the missile up your own asses
Russia/ where is the MISSILE ???
Georgia/ what missile? we lost it; why do we need a missile—we have a picture! Now you show us your pictures???
Russia/ Well, we don't have any pictures and go screw yourselves all...
UN/ maybe someone else has a picture
USA/ we'll draw one now and bring it...
EU/ UN banned on the forum; thinking is forbidden!

Papua New Guinea (newbie)/ I agree with Georgia, show the pictures
Rwanda/ +1
Somalia/ +1
Estonia/ Papua New Guinea, Rwanda, Somalia guys, where are you from? Fine, we're a major European country! But why are you getting involved?....
Latvia/ +1
Lithuania/ +1
USA/ Somalia, do you have oil? ... just asking... to keep the conversation going...
Russia/ USA, by the way, Somalia is actually the ancient homeland of the Chukchi and our flag is already there....
Somalia/ really?
USA/ Russia, you're getting on my nerves....
Russia/ USA, I can offer Madagascar; the flag was already removed from there.... Especially since you even have a cartoon about them!
USA/ okay let's talk on B-mail ... we'll agree there...
Madagascar/ +1

China: Hello, donkeys!
Russia: No-no, I'm here too.
China: Hello to you too, little brother!
USA: We won't go to the Olympics and we'll make everyone boycott you!
China: Fat chance. We hold 1.5 trillion shares of your monsters. We'll dump them, just for kicks.
Russia: +1
Belarus: +1
USA: Come on, it was a joke.
EU: Be mutually polite.
China: And take some Mao Zedong to the face.
Russia: Betrayed your ideals?
China: Restructured. And you're still in the hole to this day.

Estonia/ moderator quiet down russia
Estonia/ 2 russia - if you keep bullying us, we won't let you build a gas pipeline through our land (or our water)
Germany/ 2 estonia - have you completely lost it with your water

Georgia\ We, for the sake of it, will not enter into a large-scale armed conflict with Russia. Vah!
Russia\ Phew! ...That was close! Thank you, Kind E-eh! And weren't you playing partisans here recently in the Novgorod region?
Georgia\ You are the ones running your own trains off the tracks!
Russia\ And how do you know about the train? We didn't say anything...
EU\ Guys, let's live in harmony!
Russia\ Moderator caught in plagiarism!
EU\ Sorry, "***" © Cat Leopold, p.s.s, vol.136, p.589
Russia\ Our President said: "Punish the innocent, reward those not involved!". Therefore, pray and tremble!

USA\ Hey, Russians, our expedition has set off to clear the Arctic of trashy flags!
Russia\ Well-well...
USA\ Aren't you scared?
Russia\ Let the one who will be removing polonium flagpoles be afraid
USA\ F*ck!..
Denmark\ F*ck!..
Finland\ F*ck!..
Norway\ F*ck!..
Sweden\ F*ck!..
Estonia\F*ck!..F*ck!..
Lithuania\F*ckи!..F*ckи!..F*ckи!..F*ckи!..
Latvia\F*ck!..F*ck!F*ck!F*ckF*ck!.F*ck!FFFFFFFFFFF! i endured the world community more than anyone else
The Russian Embassy in Washington accuses the "Washington Post" newspaper of a biased attitude toward Russia
Commenting on a "Washington Post" article titled "Russian Aggression? Another Attack on Georgia," it is noted that the statements contained in the publication are "based on non-objective facts"

Georgia/ the whole world knows we were attacked. Even the newspapers in America wrote about it!
USA/ yes yes, they wrote it on the front page
Russia/ 2 Georgia in Russia, people write even worse things on fences
Russia/ 2 USA clarify the translation: did we attack Georgia (the country) or Georgia (the state). Because different departments handle these matters. We don't know who to ask, and it's unclear whose enthusiasm to punish...

Georgia/ Listen everyone—international experts confirmed that the plane came from the Russian side—and three times over... and on the third time a missile was fired; RUSSIA IS THE AGGRESSOR
EU/ 2 Russia do you confess???
Russia/ no those aren't ours—ours either shoot immediately or measure seven times
Georgia/ no they are Yours—we have radio intercepts. Command from the ground: "ON THE COUNT OF THREE, F*CK IT"
EU/ Russia, how can you not be ashamed...
Russia/ WE FIGURED EVERYTHING OUT. WE DIDN'T FIRE AT GEORGIA, BUT AT FRIENDLY OSSETIA (CAPTURED BY GEORGIANS)
Ossetia/ yeah we don't mind
USA/ where is Ossetia
Russia/ Ossetia is in Russia, not in Georgia, so everything is fine

EU\ Attention all forum participants! According to the special commission, a rocket was not dropped on Georgian territory from a Russian fighter jet, but a polonium flagpole with a Russian flag! This is precisely what caused Georgia's same-day destruction of the missile... damn it!, the flagpole!
Georgia\ I propose to consider this nuclear bombing!
Japan\ +1
USA\ The Russians have gotten out of hand! Now they're dropping flags from planes! We just don't understand, what are they marking?
Russia\ Georgians, give back the flag! Or better yet, put it back in its place!
England\ According to our MI6 intelligence, the Russians are marking sites for the 2014 Olympic Games!
EU\ Nonsense! The Olympics will be held in Sochi, not in Georgia and certainly not in the Arctic! ...No!.. It can't be!.. Really!?! Are you trying to say that... Oh horror!!!
USA\ ****!
Georgia\ O, my God!
Russia\ Damn, we have a "mole"...

(c) sabina

Blatantly stolen from voffka.com

---------------------------------------------------

A woman comes to the police station and says:
- I've been raped.
Sergeant:
- And how old are you?
Woman:
- ...forty.
Sergeant:
- It's about time you started giving it up yourself...

Pushkin arrived in Mikhailovskoye. He was bothering the coachman as they rode. He decided to surprise the man, so he said: "Man, I am a poet and I write verses. I can compose rhymes from different words. Give me your name, for example, and I'll rhyme it." The man: "Ivan." Pushkin: "Ivan—and a dick in your pocket for you." The man got offended and asked: "And what is your name?" Pushkin: "Pushkin Alexander Sergeyevich!" The man: "Well then, go fuck yourself off the cart!".

A call to the police station at midnight: - Hello. This is Rabinovich. Could you tell me what time it is?
- Midnight.
Five minutes later, another call:
- Hello. This is Rabinovich. Could you tell me what time it is?
- But you just called!
- But time has passed! I need to know what time it is!
- 12 hours and 5 minutes.
Five more minutes, a call:
- Hello. This is Rabinovich. Could you tell me what time it is?
- #%^%#%%^!!! Come to the station and take your fucking confiscated alarm clock!!!

Visitor: Hello, doctor. I have problems.
Doctor (writing something in the medical history): Sit down, my dear fellow. Tell me everything.
Visitor: I have... a vacant stare. And my right shoulder is twitching.
Doctor (continuing to write): Valerian and two "don't-give-a-damn" pills at night—and it'll be gone just like that.
Visitor: At night I dream that I am building underground pyramids in Tuscany. I am terribly worried about the preservation of the frescoes and the behavior of the binding mortar in contact with groundwater.
Doctor (looking up): What are you saying! And how are you reinforcing the foundation? I highly recommend twisted hardened rods, four to a set; it's an old trick, seasoned over centuries, you know.
Visitor: Doctor, something is going wrong. On my caller ID, there are phones of people who didn't call me; all the words on signs and posters that catch my eye share the same root. My hamster hasn't spoken to me for four days; he sits motionless in the corner of the cage and looks at me with the gaze of a Balrog aiming the tip of its whip at Gandalf.
Doctor: What a well-read little creature! Have you tried giving him Russian classics?
Visitor: Doctor, I feel and understand women.
Doctor (dropping his glasses on the table, in a low voice): Oh boy...

6 types of players

Favorite modern weapon

Real men love large-caliber machine guns.

Roleplayers use M16s.

Pranksters use blinding grenades and knives.

Min-maxers can't live without a sniper rifle.

Villains would rather blow someone up with a grenade launcher.

Noobs shoot everything they have, but it still doesn't save them.

Favorite ranged weapon

Real men throw spears.

Roleplayers cast Arcane on their opponents.

Pranksters throw artifacts belonging to their friends.

Min-maxers throw whatever deals the most damage.

Villains throw poisoned needles.

Noobs throw their two-handed sword at their opponent.

Favorite helmet

Real men wear the Helmet of Strength.

Roleplayers wear the Helmet of Telepathy.

Pranksters wear the Blind Man's Helmet ("yes, you can't see anything, but it's great against the Gorgon's Medusa").

Min-maxers wear a helmet that provides a 360-degree view and generates a force field.

Defenders of Evil wear a "Protection from Good Helmet".

Noobs wear whatever is sold in the store.

Favorite shield

Real men don't wear shields—their hands are occupied with a two-handed sword.

Roleplayers choose a shield that matches the color of their clan's emblem.

Pranksters don't wear weapons—their hands are occupied with a "two-handed" shield; they occasionally give it to noobs.

Min-maxers wear a shield of automatic parrying or, at worst, something from the scales of the Great Crocodile Ama.

Villains equip themselves with a spiked shield, after first coating the protruding needles with poison from the blue-eyed toad.

Noobs wear whatever they can find, or, if they're lucky, whatever they're given.

Favorite way to die

Real men die in battle amidst the whistling of bullets and the explosions of enemy magic.

Roleplayers die on their deathbed after a long farewell speech (the speech is not included due to lack of space in the issue).

Pranksters test the strength of their energy shield by firing into the ground with their most powerful weapon. The weapon turns out to be more powerful.

Min-maxers refused to answer this question (favorite way of what?... are you kidding???).

Villains die with a chilling laugh, blowing up the anti-tank mines scattered around and taking everyone within a 100-meter radius with them to the afterlife.

Noobs die at the first opportunity.

Favorite phrase at the moment of death

Real men: "Aaa...! You're lying—you won't get away with it..."

Roleplayers: "My mission in this world is over, everything I believed in... Everything I did..." (unintelligible).

Pranksters: "He-he-he, I was just kidding."

Min-maxers: "Damn it—they took away 3 percent of my experience."

Villains: "Well, now you're dead. You just didn't know who you were dealing with, you poor fool."

Noobs: "Oh, what was that? What was that?"

Favorite drink

Real men drink Barkskin Potion.

Roleplayers drink the Potion of Great Charisma.

Pranksters love bottles with unknown contents.

Min-maxers drink an elixir that increases all stats by 10 points and provides five hours of immunity to magic.

Defenders of Evil drink the blood of fallen enemies.

Noobs drink Coca-Cola.

Favorite activity in an MMORPG

Real men fight dragons.

Roleplayers role-play their character (what else are they going to do?).

Pranksters engage in virtual sex (usually in the general chat).

Min-maxers do whatever gives the most experience.

Villains help newbies teleport to their home village for free.

Noobs do whatever the GM tells them to do.

Favorite way to fight a sleeping dragon

Real men first wake it up and then attack.

Roleplayers remember that their character doesn't kill sleeping dragons and quietly leave.

Pranksters call on familiar newbies for help, and they go to drink beer.

Min-maxers log in with their level 58 rogue, do Backstab, Sneak Attack, Stun, and three critical hits in a row, then put the loot in their backpack, make armor from the dragon's skin, and bring it back to life as their "pet".

Villains wait for someone else to enter the cave, wake up the dragon, and kill it along with the hapless traveler.

Noobs just stand and wait for it to wake up.

Favorite questions to ask the server administrator

Real men: "Why are the monsters so weak? Change the coefficients, or it's not interesting to play—I can kill a rabbit after drinking only three full healing potions!"

Roleplayers: "The new GM, during a quest in the Azure Caves on Tuesday evening, said the word "damn" twice and three times... Hmm... Something similar, but a little longer. Is that how role-playing is done now?"

Pranksters: "Yes, I saw them kill the ogre king with one hit. Who was it? I'll tell you now, I have all the nicknames written down..."

Min-maxers: "On the last server where I played, the store sold +8 swords with additional fire damage, and you only have +6 with acid. And what is this called? No one will play here!"

Villains: "What will our clan get for first place in the number of kills? We've prepared a small list of what we're missing..."

Noobs: "Listen, how do I even create a character? The picture on the splash screen is cool, but they say there's something else there."

Signs That Play Games

Have you noticed that everyone plays games differently? Let's think about why. What exactly influences playing style? Age, gender, nationality? Come on, what nonsense. Character, some might say. Oh! Now we're getting warmer... And what influences character? The stars and planets, of course! We present to you the first gamer horoscope of its kind.

Aries
Symbol: flamethrower.

«Listen, you're gonna die!! A new addon for MegaSuperTerminator just came out, we just need to download the patch from the net... What, you didn't pay for your internet? Let's run and buy a card at the nearest grocery store. There's Multiplayer too, that's it, now I'm gonna tear you apart!!! Ha-ha-ha... What?.. You're busy right now???»


That is an Aries. Their energy and spontaneity are second to none.


They can calmly barge onto your base, having sunk all their money into buying weak units while you are peacefully developing on a large map. The result of such a game is either a very satisfied and thriving Aries, or a broken keyboard at one of your home computers.

They are wonderfully susceptible to provocations and easily lured into traps. If an Aries sees a weak unit, it is simply impossible for them to resist the temptation to tear it apart with their main hero.

They easily combine selfishness with loyalty to their friends. Seeing a "tasty" item dropped by some minotaur, they will immediately rush to pick it up, then apologize at length for not being able to protect you from three others at the same time. However, if you are killed and your body, as always, is in some far-off location, it is your Aries friend who will make their way there to resurrect you.

They fight with terrible force against administrators they consider unfair. If you live in the same city as gamer Aries, be careful about taking things from them or cutting their levels — the consequences are unpredictable.

Taurus
Symbol: clan bank.

«Look how much money I made today trading... And look at the gear I put on my character... No one else has these... He-he... Now, then, I'll place a vendor here, there, and over there... Though, if that little potbelly tries to undercut my price, I can't answer for myself... Then we'll create another guild to weed out the beginners, then we'll collect money and buy a clan house in this city, and after that...»


No, this isn't bragging: creating, acquiring, and developing are Taurus's favorite activities.

Have you ever gone to look at the Top 20 by amount of money? Do you think they are all cousins of the admins? Hm... Well, I believe they are simply people born between April 21 and May 21.

Build some cheap tank when there's still room around for a resource collection station? No way. You might beat a Taurus through an unexpected attack, but rest assured that if he had hustled in time, with his resources, you simply wouldn't have stood a chance.

Another gold mine... Another one. «Damn, haven't shaken the crumbs out of my keyboard in ages... Masik, bring me something else to chew on, I can't get up — I've got a war in full swing here».

Turn-based strategies, economic simulators, games where you can collect and hoard — that's all very Taurus.

Despite their apparent stability, these are very emotional people. Be careful not to provoke them during a game; it's hard to do, but if you succeed... Well, you've been warned, I'm telling you as a Taurus!

Gemini
Symbol: 10 bases in an RTS.

«Right then... What should I do?.. I'll play a game of chess on the ICC server, while simultaneously jumping onto a gambler site to bet on a bullet, and at the same time open chat, ICQ, email, IRC... Oh, good thing I remembered, I'll search for some work stuff on the net in parallel, and run around in Warcraft too... Or maybe just screw it all and go home to sleep?»


Mnogozadachnost.dll and Peremenchivost.exe — the two main working files of any Gemini configuration.

If a Taurus collects game discs out of a love for hoarding, a Gemini does so for completely different reasons. He simply cannot play only one game — that would be boring!

Chats in all the games in the world were made specifically for them. At the most heated moment of a war with another clan, a Gemini might stop and remember that he hasn't chatted with a girl he knows, while around him... Boom-bash... Horror and nightmare. However, talented Geminis manage to both set up a date and launch a fireball at an enemy.

Did you take a Gemini on an important clan quest? He will inevitably feel the urge to peek into some Dungeon along the way, and he will be eloquent and charming enough to convince you. You both got killed there and didn't make it where you needed to go? Well — at least you had a great time in the company of a cheerful person.

Geminis are not lacking in eloquence or sense of humor. You can kill him in the game, but on the gaming forum, you'd better be more careful with him — that is his territory.

Cancer
Symbol: heavy armor.

«Where are we going? What?? To a computer club to play LAN? Forget it, it's so good and cozy at home — I have nothing better to do than trek to a club. And anyway, I don't really like this idea, I can't say why, but...»


Don't be angry with him — that's just how Cancers are.

They love playing at home; they love their home Pentium II more than any other computer in the world — after all, it sits on their desk! The stool upon which their lower half rests while their head is occupied by the game
will always be covered with something soft — it's much more pleasant that way...

They are intuitive, which makes them excellent at playing defense. Thinking of performing a diversionary maneuver and then crushing the opponent with your main army? If your opponent is a Cancer, there will be a bunch of archers behind the walls in every city, all (I repeat — all) bases will be covered, and so on.

A Cancer acquaintance of mine had great problems playing an RPG as an archer. There was simply nowhere to put the arrows, and it was impossible to put anything other than arrows in the player's bag. When I suggested selling some, he looked at me with poorly hidden contempt and said that selling anything if you already have money is own madness.

They are sensitive and take defeats hard. To hide this, they turn the game into a circus, specifically choosing losing options and then mocking the winning opponent.

They are not inclined to share valuable information. You can trust all your passwords and logins to a Cancer — they will be in safe claws.

Leo
Symbol: clanmaster.

«Well, naturally I won. Compare his level to mine. Ha. It's just funny — I've been one of the strongest players in the CIS for half a year, and he decided to play around with me. Naive... Well, though, if he proves himself well, maybe we'll take him into one of our clans for beginners. I'll think about it and decide.»


Leaders, champions (real or believing themselves to be so), clan founders, developers of game strategies — in short, Leos are the tsars and kings of gaming shards.

They love power. Nothing warms a Leo's soul like the "disband" or "kick" button in the clan management menu. However, being talented organizers, they are much better suited for the role of masters than others.

They love to be the center of attention; they love flattery. Praise their skill at playing, respond with a compliment to some piece of game tactics advice, and Leo will generously share his royal sympathy in return.

Don't have enough for a sword? Ask a Leo — they handle money easily, and their vanity will purr with pleasure that he helped another "noob".

And, of course, this is one of the best options for front-line fighters — a lion's heart knows no fear!

Virgo
Symbol: walkthrough.

«Look here. As this graph shows, which I compiled by analyzing the battles of the 1250 strongest players and their outcomes, considering the relationship between races, classes, and characters with a margin of error no more than... Hm... I made a mistake here by a whole two hundredths of a percent.»


If someone born under this sign plays Minesweeper, they do it very qualitatively, approaching the game analytically. Otherwise, why play at all?

Hardworking, methodical, and punctual, but somewhat withdrawn. While his clanmates are drinking beer at another meetup, he will translate a quest and post it on the forum, providing his own important notes. A meetup is a waste of time, but a quest will be useful to everyone. Such are Virgos.

They hate laziness. Did your Virgo clanmaster catch you chatting in chat? Uh-oh. «The clan war is soon, and you're just lounging around here! Now quickly — sword in hand and forward! You won't leave the club until you hit level 50.»

Do you walk through the city, bothering others with the phrase: "Waha, give me money!"? A Virgo will pass by contemptuously — giving money to people like you is simply stupid.

Libra
Symbol: shield and sword.

«Your helmet gives 50 armor, but your boots only 49. Imbalance, my friend... Imbalance. Now I'll advise you on how to properly gear your character. Hm... Although, on the other hand, that's also a version of balance, however if we make the helmet 49 and the boots 51, maybe it will be better? But then again — the head will be
less protected... Why have you gone all pale? Don't get so nervous, I'm telling you something useful.»


Libras love giving advice. The goal of the game is harmony. Only then is it a proper game.

But, as is known, achieving harmony is not easy. A Libra administrator hates abruptness and rudeness, but can easily ban you if it seems to them that you responded not politely enough.

«Send this group of tanks to defend the southern base or the northern one... I need to think, maybe the northern one is better? Or still the southern?»

Libras take a long time to make decisions — which is why they have problems with RTS: by the time a decision is finally made, both bases will be in ruins.

«Hooray! Attack! How we crushed them! This is the best game in the world, and we have the best clan!!!» That's Libra today. «Everyone is beating us, and anyway is it even worth playing if everything is so bad, I haven't changed my sword for 15 levels, and the char turned out unlucky, and overall the game is stupid.» That's how they can easily become tomorrow.

And what can be done?

Many spears, bastards, and two-handers are broken on the path to balance.

Scorpio
Symbol: invisible dagger.

«The question is who among us will win — that's the question. But you cannot win because you have less experience, tanks, fighters, resources, and most importantly, because you are playing against me. Believe me — there is no point in resisting.»


Boundless confidence in their own victory — that is a Scorpio player.

A dangerous and strong opponent. He always remembers that the real game happens between
real people, not figures on a screen, and does not forget to use this. A Scorpio will try either to charm you or to instill fear in you, so that you lose even before the actual battles begin, whether it be a tank battle or a sword duel.

Some Scorpios wish everyone ill, pick up others' loot, take items dropped from you and run away. They are also the ones with the sniper rifle.

An unoccupied source of valuable resources? Of course, it will be mine. A piece of wood lying around? I'll pick that up too. The Scorpio's predatory instinct often consumes the entire Gameplay, but this is not a Taurus-like love for things, but rather a desire to dominate.

They love secret revenge. A thief dealing terrible damage from invisibility, a tunnel under your base, poisoning the main hero? Well then. If the culprit invites you to their birthday party, it will be in November.

Be sure to come; they do not forget insults.

Sagittarius
Symbol: stunning blow.

«I'll tell you honestly, the character you've been playing for half a year is total garbage, you developed him wrong. And he's poorly geared, and in PVP you don't know how to play at all, so you're a good boy for even reaching this level, well done, honestly... Oh, are you offended?»


They are straightforward. Just like a Long Sword in Neverwinter Nights. And they can't lie, like the lawful and good characters from the same place.

Despite such a character (or thanks to it), everyone loves them, as their charisma is at the proper level from birth.

During a game, a Sagittarius doesn't just sit at the computer, but walks around it, typing on the keyboard while standing, putting one foot on the chair — in general, mana just pours out of him.

«Remember, in that mission we played last year at Kolya's house after 4 bottles of beer, there was a dragon with death immunity sitting in the ruins? So... How do you not remember??»

That is also a Sagittarius; well, their memory is just like that, what can be done.

They love causing accidents in races and dying merrily in battles with monsters.

Cheerful and spontaneous, they simply cannot understand that gaming is a serious matter.

Capricorn
Symbol: moving tank.

«The opponent chased me all over the map, destroying my cities, heroes, and capturing mines, until I finally won, just as I had planned in advance.»


The best strategists. Have you backed a Capricorn into a corner and are already rejoicing in victory? Don't rush — one wrong decision, and he will seize the initiative, whether it be chess or two-player Tetris.

No posing; quietly and calmly they capture one city after another, softly but reliably controlling the map. If your clanmaster is a Capricorn, then most likely your clan will be beaten long and painfully until everyone who was beating you gradually ends up in your ranks.

They respect stronger players, pore over walkthroughs and tips, carefully studying everything that might be useful to them.

Sometimes they are too serious and forget that a game is just a game.

Aquarius
Symbol: gaming die.

«I used stationary firing installations to attack the enemy base,
while simultaneously protecting my city with a directed nuclear explosion. What? No one plays like that? Well, I think it turned out quite well...»


If you play against an Aquarius, be prepared for all sorts of surprises. Having only just started playing, they immediately come up with new methods and tactical tricks — their heuristics sometimes go off the charts, but more often bring a good effect thanks to the developed intuition of this air sign.

It is precisely they who write programs that play their characters while the owners sleep. They find bugs, hack servers, but do so more to shock the gaming Community and for their own interest than for real gain in the game.

Very freedom-loving and independent. Keep this in mind when playing with an Aquarius. Team-play is not their strongest suit.

Elusive. His thoughts drift into the future, somewhere there, where a mysterious Game Over lives, invisible to other signs but easily tangible for an Aquarius.

Pisces
Symbol: enchanted lake.

«I'll have a little house here. Yeah — and here's the warehouse where I'll keep supplies. Good... A bunny ran by. What a cutie. Aaaaah! Why did you kill it?» (Tears.)


For Pisces, a game is first and foremost another reality into which one can dive headfirst, live there, experience everything their characters experience. After all, reality is so harsh, and the game is so beautiful. Look, look at those flowers on the hill! Just like real ones.

At the same time, Pisces, being the 12th sign of the Zodiac, absorb the qualities of all other signs.

They can feel great in a real-time strategy like a Gemini, systematically carry out territory capture in a turn-based game like a Capricorn, hoard resources in an RPG like a Taurus, carefully bypass your base through the mountains like a Cancer, or hit directly, breaking through defenses like an Aries.

They will always help their fellow gamers with money, a kind word, a sharp sword, or an armored tank division.

The twelfth house is the house of mystery, and you will never fully understand their goals in the game. Then again, do they understand them themselves?

:smile40: :smile40: :smile40:

Taken from the website www.lki.ru

How Hollywood makes movies about Russians

The script must contain:

1) A Russian general named Pyotr Gogol

2) A beast-like Russian captain, Ivan Pyotr. The captain's mother apparently sinned with a bear; the bear struggled and screamed. The captain loves to drink vodka from a square bottle and eat ikra with a spoon from a bochka. His main occupation is cutting off the heads of cute children with a large knife in front of an Afghan (or some other) father, while humming the Internationale.

3) A malicious KGB agent, Konstantin Dolvsky, who loves to execute soldiers who refuse to beat blonde Afghan children with rifle butts.

4) A Russian girl, Natasha Moskvova. A good girl, because she sleeps with the main character—an American.

Russians engage in acts of unmotivated vandalism, sadism, sexism, and communism, burning Afghan villages. Close-up—the brutish face of a drunken, v govno Russian helicopter pilot, firing rocket after rocket at an Afghan woman with a child. The rocket hits the woman. Close-up—the dead woman lies beautifully, staring at the sky with dead eyes lined with Maybelline. A child cries nearby. The viewer angrily squeezes a bag of popcorn in their fist. Russian soldiers, dressed in sharovary and papaha, execute neatly dressed Afghan peasants. Close-up—dead Afghan youths on a baseball field; in the hand of a dead teenager is a homemade baseball bat he tried to use for defense. Five minutes ago, the youth was receiving congratulations for hitting a particularly tricky ball. A turban in the shape of a baseball cap swells with blood. A Russian soldier, frenzied with lust, chases an Afghan girl, trying to rip off her mini-skirt. A dull thud. The Russian soldier looks confusedly from his left eye to his right, where the hilt of a knife is protruding. This is an American zoologist, John Lesbovski, who was studying the population of Afghan rhinoceroses and, caught by the Soviet invasion, comes to the aid of the Afghans. Within five minutes, using an alpenstock and a Spyderco pocket knife (close-up on the label), he eliminates half of the Russians. But Captain Ivan Pyotr grabs an Afghan boy and holds a huge knife to his throat with "USSR" inscribed on the blade:

- You drop weapon, I kill boy.

- I drop weapon, you no kill boy.

- Yes.

John drops the captured assault rifle.

- I trick you, - the captain cackles and kills the boy.

John is hit in the head with a rifle butt. Then again, and then, realizing finally, they hit him in the kidneys, as a more vulnerable part.

- Kill all! - the captain screams. The Russians, laughing, destroy the Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket.

John comes to in the dungeons of the KGB.

- You American, - Konstantin Dolvsky tells him.

- Yes, - John says bravely.

- You speak in television that America bad.

- Never! - John proudly refuses.

Konstantin Dolvsky hits John in the head several times, bruises his arm, and finally, realizing, kicks him in the groin. At that moment, the Russian girl Natasha enters. She is wearing a gray uniform pinafore with red shoulder straps reaching the elbows and carries a tray. On the tray are two glasses in cast tea-glass holders of 152 mm caliber, a decanter of vodka, and a samovar.

- Captain! What you do! In communist party they teach not so!

- Shut up, stupid girl! In reality, communism is to kill!

He hits Natasha in the face with his boot. The girl, screaming, clutches her cheek. John jumps up and jams the tea-glass holder into Konstantin's eye.

- Run! - Natasha says, - I lead you to Sweden.

For half an hour, there is a scene of leading him to Sweden through nightmarish scenes of life in the USSR. In the cities, Russians walk in vatniks and valenki; in the villages—in skins and bast shoes. At the border. Ivan Pyotr jumps out from behind a rock and grabs Natasha, holding an axe with "CPSU" inscribed on it to her throat.

- I kill her, and then kill you!

- You coward!

- I no coward! I kill you first!

Ivan lunges at John, followed by a tedious fight scene in which Ivan uses all sorts of dishonest tricks, from a boat motor and rails to a pet bear. Finally, John drives a rail into Ivan's head, and the boat motor into the bear's head; John and Natasha sail away to Sweden in a boat made of unhewn logs with a sail made of cow skins.