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How Hollywood makes movies about Russians
The script must contain:
1) A Russian general named Pyotr Gogol
2) A beast-like Russian captain, Ivan Pyotr. The captain's mother apparently sinned with a bear; the bear struggled and screamed. The captain loves to drink vodka from a square bottle and eat ikra with a spoon from a bochka. His main occupation is cutting off the heads of cute children with a large knife in front of an Afghan (or some other) father, while humming the Internationale.
3) A malicious KGB agent, Konstantin Dolvsky, who loves to execute soldiers who refuse to beat blonde Afghan children with rifle butts.
4) A Russian girl, Natasha Moskvova. A good girl, because she sleeps with the main character—an American.
Russians engage in acts of unmotivated vandalism, sadism, sexism, and communism, burning Afghan villages. Close-up—the brutish face of a drunken, v govno Russian helicopter pilot, firing rocket after rocket at an Afghan woman with a child. The rocket hits the woman. Close-up—the dead woman lies beautifully, staring at the sky with dead eyes lined with Maybelline. A child cries nearby. The viewer angrily squeezes a bag of popcorn in their fist. Russian soldiers, dressed in sharovary and papaha, execute neatly dressed Afghan peasants. Close-up—dead Afghan youths on a baseball field; in the hand of a dead teenager is a homemade baseball bat he tried to use for defense. Five minutes ago, the youth was receiving congratulations for hitting a particularly tricky ball. A turban in the shape of a baseball cap swells with blood. A Russian soldier, frenzied with lust, chases an Afghan girl, trying to rip off her mini-skirt. A dull thud. The Russian soldier looks confusedly from his left eye to his right, where the hilt of a knife is protruding. This is an American zoologist, John Lesbovski, who was studying the population of Afghan rhinoceroses and, caught by the Soviet invasion, comes to the aid of the Afghans. Within five minutes, using an alpenstock and a Spyderco pocket knife (close-up on the label), he eliminates half of the Russians. But Captain Ivan Pyotr grabs an Afghan boy and holds a huge knife to his throat with "USSR" inscribed on the blade:
- You drop weapon, I kill boy.
- I drop weapon, you no kill boy.
- Yes.
John drops the captured assault rifle.
- I trick you, - the captain cackles and kills the boy.
John is hit in the head with a rifle butt. Then again, and then, realizing finally, they hit him in the kidneys, as a more vulnerable part.
- Kill all! - the captain screams. The Russians, laughing, destroy the Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket.
John comes to in the dungeons of the KGB.
- You American, - Konstantin Dolvsky tells him.
- Yes, - John says bravely.
- You speak in television that America bad.
- Never! - John proudly refuses.
Konstantin Dolvsky hits John in the head several times, bruises his arm, and finally, realizing, kicks him in the groin. At that moment, the Russian girl Natasha enters. She is wearing a gray uniform pinafore with red shoulder straps reaching the elbows and carries a tray. On the tray are two glasses in cast tea-glass holders of 152 mm caliber, a decanter of vodka, and a samovar.
- Captain! What you do! In communist party they teach not so!
- Shut up, stupid girl! In reality, communism is to kill!
He hits Natasha in the face with his boot. The girl, screaming, clutches her cheek. John jumps up and jams the tea-glass holder into Konstantin's eye.
- Run! - Natasha says, - I lead you to Sweden.
For half an hour, there is a scene of leading him to Sweden through nightmarish scenes of life in the USSR. In the cities, Russians walk in vatniks and valenki; in the villages—in skins and bast shoes. At the border. Ivan Pyotr jumps out from behind a rock and grabs Natasha, holding an axe with "CPSU" inscribed on it to her throat.
- I kill her, and then kill you!
- You coward!
- I no coward! I kill you first!
Ivan lunges at John, followed by a tedious fight scene in which Ivan uses all sorts of dishonest tricks, from a boat motor and rails to a pet bear. Finally, John drives a rail into Ivan's head, and the boat motor into the bear's head; John and Natasha sail away to Sweden in a boat made of unhewn logs with a sail made of cow skins.
The script must contain:
1) A Russian general named Pyotr Gogol
2) A beast-like Russian captain, Ivan Pyotr. The captain's mother apparently sinned with a bear; the bear struggled and screamed. The captain loves to drink vodka from a square bottle and eat ikra with a spoon from a bochka. His main occupation is cutting off the heads of cute children with a large knife in front of an Afghan (or some other) father, while humming the Internationale.
3) A malicious KGB agent, Konstantin Dolvsky, who loves to execute soldiers who refuse to beat blonde Afghan children with rifle butts.
4) A Russian girl, Natasha Moskvova. A good girl, because she sleeps with the main character—an American.
Russians engage in acts of unmotivated vandalism, sadism, sexism, and communism, burning Afghan villages. Close-up—the brutish face of a drunken, v govno Russian helicopter pilot, firing rocket after rocket at an Afghan woman with a child. The rocket hits the woman. Close-up—the dead woman lies beautifully, staring at the sky with dead eyes lined with Maybelline. A child cries nearby. The viewer angrily squeezes a bag of popcorn in their fist. Russian soldiers, dressed in sharovary and papaha, execute neatly dressed Afghan peasants. Close-up—dead Afghan youths on a baseball field; in the hand of a dead teenager is a homemade baseball bat he tried to use for defense. Five minutes ago, the youth was receiving congratulations for hitting a particularly tricky ball. A turban in the shape of a baseball cap swells with blood. A Russian soldier, frenzied with lust, chases an Afghan girl, trying to rip off her mini-skirt. A dull thud. The Russian soldier looks confusedly from his left eye to his right, where the hilt of a knife is protruding. This is an American zoologist, John Lesbovski, who was studying the population of Afghan rhinoceroses and, caught by the Soviet invasion, comes to the aid of the Afghans. Within five minutes, using an alpenstock and a Spyderco pocket knife (close-up on the label), he eliminates half of the Russians. But Captain Ivan Pyotr grabs an Afghan boy and holds a huge knife to his throat with "USSR" inscribed on the blade:
- You drop weapon, I kill boy.
- I drop weapon, you no kill boy.
- Yes.
John drops the captured assault rifle.
- I trick you, - the captain cackles and kills the boy.
John is hit in the head with a rifle butt. Then again, and then, realizing finally, they hit him in the kidneys, as a more vulnerable part.
- Kill all! - the captain screams. The Russians, laughing, destroy the Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket.
John comes to in the dungeons of the KGB.
- You American, - Konstantin Dolvsky tells him.
- Yes, - John says bravely.
- You speak in television that America bad.
- Never! - John proudly refuses.
Konstantin Dolvsky hits John in the head several times, bruises his arm, and finally, realizing, kicks him in the groin. At that moment, the Russian girl Natasha enters. She is wearing a gray uniform pinafore with red shoulder straps reaching the elbows and carries a tray. On the tray are two glasses in cast tea-glass holders of 152 mm caliber, a decanter of vodka, and a samovar.
- Captain! What you do! In communist party they teach not so!
- Shut up, stupid girl! In reality, communism is to kill!
He hits Natasha in the face with his boot. The girl, screaming, clutches her cheek. John jumps up and jams the tea-glass holder into Konstantin's eye.
- Run! - Natasha says, - I lead you to Sweden.
For half an hour, there is a scene of leading him to Sweden through nightmarish scenes of life in the USSR. In the cities, Russians walk in vatniks and valenki; in the villages—in skins and bast shoes. At the border. Ivan Pyotr jumps out from behind a rock and grabs Natasha, holding an axe with "CPSU" inscribed on it to her throat.
- I kill her, and then kill you!
- You coward!
- I no coward! I kill you first!
Ivan lunges at John, followed by a tedious fight scene in which Ivan uses all sorts of dishonest tricks, from a boat motor and rails to a pet bear. Finally, John drives a rail into Ivan's head, and the boat motor into the bear's head; John and Natasha sail away to Sweden in a boat made of unhewn logs with a sail made of cow skins.