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In reply to Мавр
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19 years ago
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__________________
|____|____|____|____|__
__|____|kill|____|____|
|____|____|yourself|____|__
__|____|_against the wall_|____|
|____|____|____|____|__
In reply to Saruman
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19 years ago
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Saruman;64443
There are many such coincidences: in my city, there is a "Palantir Light Salon" (a stone from the Lord of the Rings).
There is a brand of apples called "Azura" (a goddess in Morrowind).
And regarding the "Secret City":
I recently read a newspaper, and on the front page, there was an address from Zyuganov: "Dear Comrade Ortega!" It turned out that this was the President of Venezuela.
In another newspaper, the headline was "Headquarters of a Miracle." Only later did I realize that it was a pre-New Year's issue about the apartment of a person who works as Santa Claus at home.

I will also politely remain silent about the "Thanatos" restaurant and the "Styx" store.
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19 years ago
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And Zadornov also had a joke about the "Apocalypse" disco.
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19 years ago
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The inscription on the tombstone: "Here lies a zerling who, throughout his life, bit two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred and eighty-six privates, and one mine.

-What do you do for a living?
-I'm a pharmacist.
-Oh, so you work in a pharmacy.
-No, I'm formatting drive C.

Three weeks after the wedding. The young wife calls her mother, crying:
-Mom, I just don't know what to do! We're having such a family drama! It's terrible!
-Calm down, honey, don't worry. Every family has its first arguments and conflicts sooner or later...
-I know. But what should I do with the corpse?

Earth, 2050. A genetic programmer is analyzing another piece of a gene sequence and sees the following comment: "These genes should be removed completely. Archangel Gabriel."

-Do you know what a military unit consisting of eight Wahhabis is called?
-No.
-I do! Wahhobite.

The Russian Orthodox Church has started producing rings for computer game enthusiasts: "Save and be saved."

The snow on the street is visible-invisible.

A man falls into a river and shouts:
-F1, F1!
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19 years ago
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I won't even mention typos like
"Shasy Trading House"...
Or
"MASAN Business Consulting" (No, I understand, Port-Masan is a city... but the associations...)
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19 years ago
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Once, a thief climbed into my bag while I was in the town square. At first, I didn't notice, but then I opened my bag, and there he was.
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19 years ago
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Oh well... That's just how it is!!!:D
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19 years ago
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January 25th is Student Day.
February 23rd is the day for those who didn't make it to university.

A slightly tipsy young man, struggling to focus his gaze on a stranger's ample chest:
- What's your name?
- Katya!
The guy smiles, shifts his gaze to the other breast:
- And the other one?
In the Tagarog hotel "Youth," the "rules for guests" include the following:
"Do not smoke in bed, otherwise the ashes swept out of the room may end up being yours. Welcome!"

Advertisement:
Get a loan in five minutes!!!
From 4:00 AM to 4:05 AM.

The most popular searches on Google:
1st place: porn
2nd place: gjhyj

Physics and mathematics university, exams, the professor is a "beast": The most brilliant student enters, and the professor asks:
- You are traveling on a train, it gets hot in your compartment, what do you do? Student:
- I'll open the window.
Professor:
- Okay, good. Now calculate this, my dear: with a train speed of 70 km/h, a tailwind of 8 m/s, the air temperature outside is 28 degrees, and inside the compartment is 31 degrees, and there are three passengers in the compartment exhaling 1 cubic meter of carbon dioxide per hour, how long will it take for the air in the compartment to refresh?
Student:
- I can't...
Professor:
- Fail. Next!
(The student, as he leaves, tells everyone about the window and the compartment.) The laziest student enters, sits down, and declares:
- I'm ready!
Professor:
- You are traveling on a train, it gets hot in your compartment, what do you do?
Student:
- I'll take off my jacket.
Professor:
- You're still hot!
Student:
- Okay, I'll take off my sweater.
Professor:
- You're still hot!
Student:
- Okay, I'll take off my shirt.
Professor:
- You're still hot!
Student:
- Okay, I'll take off my jeans.
Professor:
- Alright. There's a black guy sitting across from you, and as you undress, he gets an erection! (the professor smirks)
The student leans towards the professor and says:
- Nikolai Ivanovich, let the whole train do me, but I won't open the window!

- The Turkmen skiers completely messed up their sport!

Our swimmers were the luckiest at the Olympics: all the guys flew home near the window!

Estonian folk wisdom: the slower you go, the less Russian you'll encounter!

New Year's greeting from the military enlistment office: "You're fit for service again!"

Negotiations between India and Russia on the construction of a canal from the Ganges River to the Don River have ended. Difficult negotiations have begun on its name.

You sit on a plane, open your laptop, make sure your neighbor is looking at the screen, and open the link http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

On the commuter train:
We offer you festive fireworks.
Festive salute... It rises to a height of up to 100 meters and bursts with beautiful, colorful lights!
Now I'll demonstrate...

Cooking soup for a bachelor is a piece of cake!
The main thing is to eat it afterwards!!!

- What do you call Mike Tyson without arms and legs?
- A damn n****r!

Her: You know, when I saw you, you made a very good impression on me... You're cute, funny, cheerful, good... not like everyone else... There's something special about you...
I trust you...
Actually, I didn't think I would talk to you after some of the things you said... I was honestly uncomfortable hearing those words from you...
But you're a good guy...
Him: I'm telling you again, GO TO HELL!
In reply to Nowizard
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19 years ago
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How a light bulb is changed in a role-playing game

Classes

1. Warrior
The first warrior removes all armor, weapons, helmets, shields, etc., etc. from the second, after which the second will be able to calmly screw in the light bulb, provided he has the Focus Weapon skill for light bulbs.
Note: armor, shields, etc. with electricity protection do not need to be removed.

2. Paladin
Places hands on the light bulb, heals it, and then screws it in, as this is not forbidden by law and is not an evil act.

3. Thief
Unnoticeably unscrews a light bulb from somewhere, disables all traps on it, picks it open, steals the valuable tungsten filament, then sets traps on the light bulb and unnoticeably screws it back in.

4. Mage
One holds the light bulb, the second casts Light on it, and the third teleports the first and second far away from the fourth, who decided for some reason to cast Fireball.

5. Necromancer
Raises the corpse of Edison from the grave, and he'll figure out for himself how to deal with this light bulb.

6. Priest
Exorcises the undead from the light bulb, blesses it, and then summons his deity, who screws the light bulb in for him where it belongs.

7. Monk
He has the fewest problems. He can easily screw in any light bulb with his bare hands!

8. Barbarian
Enters a rage, smashes the light bulb, and thus the problem disappears on its own.

9. Ranger
The first chooses the light bulb as his racial enemy and has advantages against it from the start, the second takes the light bulb as a companion, while the third tries to use 'tracking' to determine where the light bulb rolled off to. After long searches for the light bulb in the forest and in the swamp, it is found at their home, where they screw it in provided that at the start of the game they took the 'two-handed light bulb screwing' skill.

10. Druid
The first screws in the light bulb, while the second drives away the bear that the third has turned into. Meanwhile, they all collectively hate the light bulb, as it is a product of civilization.

11. Bard
Uses 'Use Magic Device', and the light bulb not only screws itself in, but also sings and dances while doing so.

Races

1. Human
Since humans can take two skills at the start of the game, one is taken as a general utility skill, and the second is 'light bulb screwing'.

2. Elf
1) The first, using amazing dexterity and incredible wisdom, screws in the light bulb, while the second sings to him about Elbereth.
2) The first, using amazing dexterity and incredible wisdom, screws in the light bulb, while the second screws it into the heads of other peoples why elves are the coolest of all.

3. Orc
The first holds the light bulb, and the second screws the first in.

4. Dwarf
Two dwarves are required. They see in the dark, so they have no need to screw in a light bulb. Two are needed so that there is someone to drink beer with.

5. Hobbit
1) The hobbit makes a luck roll, and by luck, the light bulb turns out to have already been screwed in by someone.
2) Two hobbits together carry the light bulb to Mount Doom and cast it into the crater of Orodruin.

6. Half-elf
Collects all the information about screwing in light bulbs, and then using diplomacy convinces the light bulb to do everything necessary itself.

Alignments

1. Neutral Good
Screws in the light bulb, because it makes everyone feel bright and good.

2. Chaotic Good
Screws in the light bulb, because it makes him feel bright and good.

3. Lawful Good
One screws in the light bulb, while another reads the code of laws aloud to him, confirming that the act of screwing in a light bulb is a lawful deed.

4. Neutral Evil
Screws in a light bulb that has already burnt out just to spite everyone.

5. Chaotic Evil
Screws in a burnt-out light bulb because he felt like it and that's that, while laughing wickedly.

6. Lawful Evil
Two characters sign a Contract, according to which the first must screw in the light bulb, and the second, in the meantime, conquers the rest of the world.

7. Neutral
Screws in the light bulb alone, because everyone else doesn't give a damn about this light bulb.

8. Chaotic Neutral
Screws in the light bulb that everyone doesn't give a damn about, while the rest of the party has vanished to complete a quest.

9. Lawful Neutral
Screws in the light bulb, as he suspects that he will be given experience for it. ((c) Skif)
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19 years ago
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At least he should have been ashamed to put his own copyright on someone else's work!
In reply to Tengro
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19 years ago
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Tengro;68538
At least he should have been ashamed to claim copyright on someone else's work!
Copyright is preserved!
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19 years ago
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Oh :)!
Not mine!

Blunders from children's essays already exist. Let there be a poem!
Nature, waking up brightly,
Is full of warmth and joy.
And smiling loudly at the sun,
The children hung out of the window,
Lenya K. (7th grade)

This is Alfred Hitchcock. A youth theater production.

Andrey I. (10 years old):
It's nice in the yard in spring:
The red sun is popping buds.

And this is Gaidai... Grand Prince Vladimir Red Sun is eating kidneys. "Waiter! Kidneys for the queen, own way!"


Birds are chirping,
They don't spare their songs,
Marina H....

Lena T (5th grade).:
The wind just runs through the forest,
Giving no peace to anyone:
To the little forget-me-not flowers,
And to the big tree - the oak.

The big tree got a full "oak" [beating]. The child simply doesn't know how to correctly write "game over."

Sveta I. (12 years old)
Time of rains and same-leaf fall,
Harvesting of grain, grapes,
Departure of birds and laughter of children,
Running to school through the rains.

Our school is multinational. Chinese children also want to study in it. So Sveta, with a characteristic surname "I", studied the Russian language extensively and lovingly. "When write sits poem, we get papers and pens."

Tanya Z. (6th grade),
Winter-beauty has come,
And it's long past time for Mishka to sleep,
But the poor thing with a sucked paw
Cannot fall asleep.

Damn, what bad luck for the bear. Is he the only one in the den? Where is the she-bear?

Igor F.:
Migratory birds rush south,
A stream runs, barely murmuring,
Beaver and female beaver dig a burrow,
So that they could live there all winter.

And so that the bear could suck his paw there all winter. May that burrow have no bottom and no cover...

Grey birds fly
Over the fields, over the fields.
People call those birds
Cranes, cranes.
Cranes fly south,
To warm lands;
I will never forget
Their looks at me.
Valya R. (4th grade)

"Other," Valya, "other." There is no letter "kh" in this word. Did you watch Night Watch carefully? Rewatch it and take notes.

Winter comes and we are all glad
To play snowballs and build babas [snow-women].
Tanya D. (3rd grade):

I'm molding a snow baba,
Scary, with a broom:
A carrot served as the nose,
And eyes - with coal.
Sveta T.(4th grade)

Here is a boy riding in a sled,
And a red-haired girl
Skillfully jumps on skates.
(Lena V., 3rd grade)

It's not good to laugh at someone else's misfortune. The red-haired girl got low-quality cannabis, unlike those who build babas. One should approach and explain how to use skates.

I love winter in January,
When like a shining carpet lies
The snow of winter savings in the yard
And strikes with an elegant description.
With cross-shaped tracks on the snow
Birds mark their short path,
And here a ray plays on the shore
Of the pond where a blue-eyed guy swam in summer.
Andrey H.(5th grade)

Horror. Apocalypse. A bleak picture. All the snow in the yard is in winter savings [excrement] – they probably walk dogs here, those bastards. How can one not be amazed that besides the savings it's all elegantly described? Disabled birds with twisted toes won't go far. They die right here, all in savings. And the guy who surfaced back in summer is now frozen into the ice. Blue-eyed.

Boom - one! Boom - two!
Boom - three! Boom - four!
Boom - five! Boom - six!
Boom - seven! Boom - eight!
Boom - nine! Boom - ten!
Boom - eleven!
Boom - twelve!
The clock bell is tired, -
And so the New Year has arrived.
Natasha K.:

Apparently, the girl is being beaten at home. Need to talk to the parents.

I am glad to congratulate you on the New Year,
And I send greetings to all from Leningrad,
So that at midnight you all held glasses,
Rather than lying in damp graves.
Tanya R. (6th grade)

Correct, a grave should be dry and warm. Then it's convenient to hold a glass in it at midnight. I wonder who wrote the script for "Night of the Living Dead"? Was it Tanya's dad?

This frosty morning promises much:
Songs, skating on ice and down the hill.
How much has been done by our government
For the children.
Irina H.

It is precisely thanks to it that there are only ice and hills in our yards.

I am a Komsomol member, a Komsomol member!
And how joyful it is for me to think:
For such a Komsomol ticket
Boys perished in the fire.
Igor D. (7th grade):

Sado-maso with elements of fetishism. Spanking is useless.

Thank you, summer, for the unity
Of your unfading campfires,
Where there are no boys or girls,
But only "Always ready!"
Sasha Sh. (8th grade)

Sasha! By 8th grade I was already always ready to drink, not just "be." Step it up!

Young men living in our time
We must love not for the face,
We must love them not for this,
But for something else more important.
Elena A. (8th grade)

Clever girl, Lenochka. Five. Stay after class.

Our friend Korchagin

And so one dark night
Two executioners came to you.
They wanted to kill you,
Alas, they didn't kill you.
Olya V. (6th grade)

They missed. They'll come again tomorrow. With axes and in hoods.

To Alexander Matrosov

You were still young then,
When you were called to serve.
You always loved the Motherland,
And your name was Alexander.
Larisa V. (4th grade)

Return of a soldier

You walk down a deserted street
And think that, probably,
Mother is waiting and, probably, will say:
- My little son! -
She'll sit and cry.
Well and you'll answer: - Mother, don't cry.
Brother burned, father hanged,
But I remained alive.
Rely on me, mother.
Zhanna K. (7th grade)

Japanese poets commit harakiri.

...And she will begin to mourn the body,
Which wanted to live until Victory.
Yura V. (5th grade)

...but the brains resisted.

But they remember the war, but they remember the war
Grey hairs on the head.
Valery R. (6th grade)

Dear Valery! The authoritative commission believes that on the head there are "volosy" [hairs]. While "volosa" [hair/hairs] are in another place.

Today we are eight, and tomorrow eighteen,
And the day after tomorrow twenty, and soon forty-five.
Today we are boys, and tomorrow we are soldiers,
And the day after tomorrow mothers, as well as fathers.
Andryusha K. (2nd grade)

X-Men. A tragic saga about rapidly aging mutants who do not know what gender they will be tomorrow. See in cinemas.

Motherland - a word dearer than all!
Motherland - it's no longer a laugh.
Tanya R. (3rd grade)

Tanya! No need to have a complex! If you have such a surname (Tanya Rodina), be glad that your name isn't Ulyana (U. Rodina). And there really is nothing funny here.

Flags flutter over the land,
Music plays.
All the kids in the yard
Lift their legs.
Anya shouts: - Look!
Olya stands on her "oak" [stubby leg].
May Day is coming to you, children, -
That means peace to all nations!
Yulya T. (2nd grade)

Anya and Olya observe with amazement for the first time what becomes visible when the kids lift their legs. By the way, here is another author who doesn't know how to write the word "game over." Here it says "peace" [mir].

You are my Motherland,
And yet you are beautiful!..
Galya M. (9 years old)

We remember this, this is the national anthem of intestinal parasites.

Here lies a pistol.
The pistol is many years old.
Maybe Budenny
Fought with it, the praised one.
Olya I. (2nd grade)

Copied from L. Filatov's "Fedot the Archer." Grade two.

Aurora entered the shores,
Giving horns to the past.
Zoya T. (6th grade)

Here is that famous hut,
Where Ilyich worked.
He became friends with many here -
They shot game together.
Alexandra L. (4th grade)

Interesting slang in the early twentieth century. Today they say "smoked weed together."

You, Lenin, gave us commandments
For all years, for all centuries.
You were everywhere, and nowhere,
That you wouldn't be.
Andrey H. (5th grade)

Problems with the space-time continuum. Buy yourself a compass and an alarm clock.

...And I will give my life for you,
And I will stand with my head...
Rita G. (10 years old)

Rita! You are very self-critical. You aren't that much of a "G."

Death of a Komsomol girl

Komsomols gathered by the river in the meadow,
They opened a meeting in defiance of the enemy.
The secretary of the cell was Nadezhda -
All the guys believed her and she is brave.
But then one evening, working alone,
Someone from the village knocked on her window.
She didn't see clearly and thought to herself:
"Probably girls from our village."
But these were vile kulak sons,
They decided to avenge that gathering by the river.
And then a shot rang out, short and dull,
And blood flowed like a river in a thin scarlet stream...
Nadezhda, you perished, but you live in hearts,
We remember you, Nadya, our faithful friend and brother!
Lena Ya. (5th grade)

Actually, brother Nadya didn't suffer for nothing. There was no need to arrange a gathering by the river. Everything that grows there is someone else's, and it cannot be collected.

Meresyev

Comrade Meresyev flew in a plane,
He flew with a damaged engine.
He clipped the tops of tall trees,
And this saved his life.
He soon woke up in a deep snowdrift,
But he could not stand on his feet.
He crawled, completely exhausted, he crawled for three weeks,
Until he saw people.
They fed him, warmed him, dressed him,
Sent him immediately to Moscow.
Having prosthetics put in place of legs,
He learned to walk for a whole year.
His friends waited for him, but then he returned
And slowly climbed into the plane.
Putting his wooden leg on the pedal,
It was painful, but he endured.
A minute, a second, the plane suddenly lunged
And calmly took off into the sky.
Olya Sh. (6th grade)

Musical "About a Real Man." Libretto. Act One. Chorus, dancing tap: "Gangrene! Gangrene! They'll cut his leg off!"

"Mother" - no word is tenderer.
We give her our whole heart.
Let enemies attack her,
We will defeat them, we will stand up for her.
"Protect the mother, comrades," -
Vladimir Ilyich bequeathed to us.
"Mother" - a sacred word.
Love your own mother too".
Tanya G. (3rd grade)

There is no mother in the world dearer,
Than in our friendly, lovely family.
May she be healthy and brave,
May she fight for a righteous cause.

Slava G. (2nd grade)

...with dad.

Protecting us from the heat,
Wrapping us in the frost,
Sometimes they often forgot,
That the cold had already crawled over them.

Alesha M. (6th grade)

Forgot that she died. Horror.

I love mother like a plant,
I protect mother like myself.
Mother gives all her care,
To raise me as me.

Sasha I. (3rd grade)

Sasha is a good boy. Sasha is good. Sasha loves plants. Plants are a "five."

Georgians and Tatar women,
The Tajik and the Uzbek
Have a great gift from mothers -
Mothers give a human!..
Lyuda V.

This is much cooler than an awesome screwdriver set. A living person as a gift. Isaura the slave, for example...

Grandfather is the one who gave birth to me.
Grandfather is the one I see.
Grandfather is a symbol of earthly kindness.
Grandfather is a whole: you and I.
Grandfather is my friend and this is brother.
I would be glad to give my life for you in a row.
Vitya B. (5th grade).

Vitya was cloned from grandfather. A terrible thing.

© jazzzzman
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19 years ago
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have you seen THIS already? I was reading it under the table...
In reply to Alloya
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19 years ago
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Sion

Sion. Such an underground city. Where there's garbage and cyberpunk.

MORPHEUS and THE LEADER are thoughtfully looking at the city from a coffee shop.

MORPHEUS: What are they doing?
THE LEADER: Drilling. 250,000 machines.
MORPHEUS: This is a NIGHTMARE. We can't handle this many drills.
THE LEADER: Stay calm, soldier! We will fight to the last drop of your blood!
NEO: I don't know what to do. But I do know kung fu. I need to use it somewhere!

He uses kung fu on some agents who happened to be nearby.

Sion. A dormitory for the Chosen Ones.

NEO exits the elevator and bumps into a crowd of gypsies.
GYPSY: Give us some money, buddy!
NEO: Go to hell! I don't have any relatives, we're orphans.
TRINITY: They think you're the Chosen One. Give them your blessing.
NEO: I don't know how. But I do know kung fu. I'll show them now...

Sion. A rural club in a cave.

FREEMEN: We want to dance! And what's that black NIGHTMARE?
THE LEADER: This isn't a NIGHTMARE, this is our hero, Morpheus! He'll give a pompous speech.

MORPHEUS gives a pompous speech, the meaning of which boils down to the fact that one cannot be different from what one could be, being different from what one would be different from what one is, because otherwise everything could be different.

How to have fun in the library

1. Put down your book and start reading your neighbor's book, and
a) say: "Wow. Great book" or
b) when he/she looks at you, quickly bury your face in your book and pretend
that you're reading.

2. Suddenly turn to your neighbor and say:
"You're one of THEM!"

3. Put down the book and stare at your neighbor. When he asks:
"What's the matter?"
or something like that,
rudely interrupt him with the words: "Are you accusing me of something?!"


4. Read the book from right to left.
Turn the pages in the same direction. Every two seconds.


5. Read quietly, and then exclaim as if you're talking to a character in the book:
"No, Jim! It's a trap, don't do it!"
Then turn to your neighbor and say
"He did it."

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