Auto-translated
Rate it :)
Ley
Posts from Fun
Слоныш
Ley
WhiteLizard
Auto-translated
Here's what they wrote about me: D
Sheldon: There's a belief that when playing rock-paper-scissors, players who know each other will draw in 75-80% of the cases due to the limited number of possible outcomes. I propose we play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj: What is that?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Spock is from Star Trek.
Sheldon: There's a belief that when playing rock-paper-scissors, players who know each other will draw in 75-80% of the cases due to the limited number of possible outcomes. I propose we play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj: What is that?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Spock is from Star Trek.
Нэйко
Auto-translated
1) For those who know what "Fullmetal Alchemist" is.))
2) I think it's clear here :D
3) No comments...))
4) Seriously, do they look alike? :D
5) Cosplay of the "beloved" Seiler Moon :smile04:
6) Death x)
7) "Night Watch" :smile04: (something that we and Lizard can be tempted with^^)
2) I think it's clear here :D
3) No comments...))
4) Seriously, do they look alike? :D
5) Cosplay of the "beloved" Seiler Moon :smile04:
6) Death x)
7) "Night Watch" :smile04: (something that we and Lizard can be tempted with^^)
Вегтам
Auto-translated
In the bus...
Вегтам
Auto-translated
From the world of the online game based on the Heroes series
Necromancy for Dummies, or How to Build an Army with Your Own Hands
Dear aspiring bone lords and masters of horror! This simple guide is designed to help you in the critically important, yet difficult task of army creation. You will see that a skilled necromancer can bend anything, anywhere, and anytime to their will! But most importantly—in the shortest possible time.
1. Skeletons. In modern necromantic society, there is an opinion that reserves should only be replenished with select humanoid skeletons, extracted immediately after a victorious battle. Supposedly, this is the only way to ensure the highest quality of troops.
Do not listen to the opinions of stupid elitists who take the clumsy and slow path! Obtain bones wherever and however you can, and boldly slot them into your skeletons. Whether you found a dead rat on the road, dug up an old lady's grave, or ate chicken drumsticks for dinner—let absolutely everything be used! Do not be afraid to experiment! No money for weapons? No problem; let psychological pressure be your trump card. Upon seeing a skeleton crawling on chicken bones with a rat's skull, the enemy will surely die of something. If not from fear, then from laughter.
2. Zombies. It is common knowledge that walking dead are slow. But few know that in a speed contest against two piles of boulders, zombies took a distinguished third place. A true necromancer knows that a zombie doesn't necessarily need to move to deal damage to a potential opponent. Chop off your zombies' legs and give them to the skeleton warriors. Chop off the arms too and give them to the skeleton archers. Teach what remains of your zombies to swear... and the result will exceed the boldest expectations! Hearing insults from stumps of rotten flesh, enemies will rush toward your ranks with the fury of berserkers. And then they will experience the indescribable sensation of being bitten on the ankles and calves.
3. Ghosts. What to do if the army desperately needs ghosts, but magic powers are insufficient to summon real spirits? Remember, it doesn't matter if you actually have ghosts; what matters is that the enemy believes you do. Use your imagination! Gather the enemy warriors around a campfire some night and tell a few chilling ghost stories about spirits, then dress a couple of dozen of your dead in white sheets. The enemies will fall for it hook, line, and sinker. For the most skeptical, slip some crushed mushrooms into their soup; they will not only see ghosts in broad daylight but also bone dragons that haven't even been invented yet.
4. Vampires. As a rule, these ungrateful snobs sit in their estates and demand huge sums of money to join. What should you do if there are no mountains of gold, but the army needs mobile troops that suck enemy blood?
Once again, imagination and ingenuity will come to your aid! You only need to catch a couple of wild rabbits, let them breed, and then liberally feed the long-eared offspring with blood. In the shortest time, you will have a powerful strike force of mad bunnies eager to sink their teeth into your enemies. Put a small black cloak on each of them, and your vampires are ready for battle. And who cares if they aren't undead? Long teeth? Run fast? Black cloaks? That's all it takes.
Those enemies who survive the zombie bites will receive a new portion of joy and a burst of energy for the rest of their lives.
5. Liches. Strangely enough, these are the easiest to obtain. You just have to promise any mages that in your army they will finally have time for a PERSONAL life. There will be no shortage of candidates.
6. Undead. It is not necessary to read ancient spells to summon powerful spirits of Death into our world. A couple of especially fat zombies and some old monastic robes will do just fine. No one knows what's hiding under the hood, right? Getting weapons is even easier. After the last human emperor issued a decree that all peasants must be armed only with pitchforks, scythes have been gathering dust in warehouses. If the supplies prove too meager or too rusty, feel free to use shovels instead of scythes. They are even better.
An undead with a shovel—now that sounds proud. Those who disagree can try laughing with a crushed skull.
Dark Elf Tactics for Dummies, or How to Strengthen an Already Cool Army
Dear avengers of darkness and relentless killers! Surely you often have to hear spiteful and envious shouts like: "Nerf the DEs!" "Furies are a cheat!" "Behead the hydras!" It can't be helped; in these difficult times, few can appreciate the true beauty of instant death by poison, blades, or an upgraded hydra. This simple guide will help you make the already unpleasant death of your enemies even faster, more painful, and more humiliating. May your army be invincible!
1. Scouts/Assassins. So, what is the main problem with scouts and assassins? Correct—they are unimportant shooters. Therefore, we must make them important, meaning, good shooters! To this end, send them to the camp of a potential opponent—high elves or humans—and order them to steal bows from the elves and crossbows from the humans. Just don't even think about sending them to the undead; not only are the bows crappy, but they'll bite your legs off—believe me.
After completing this dark deed, replace the dull Dark Elf crossbows with cool human ones, teach the guys how to shoot a bow and... voila! First-tier creatures with double shots from bows and triple shots from crossbows will sow destruction and chaos in the enemy ranks. Just don't be surprised if human crossbowmen suddenly learn the "sworn enemy - fucking DEs" ability, or if high elves increase their skills threefold.
2. Beasts/Furies. Few know that these combat beauties adopted their fighting style from extinct creatures called "harpies." By the way, they also inherited the harpies' temperament, but shhh about that if you don't want to wake up one day with your stomach ripped open. In general, fury tactics are almost flawless, but they lack a couple of elements.
First, wings. To obtain these useful gadgets, send the scouts back to the human camp and steal the wings from the griffins there. Attaching them to the furies is just a matter of technique—or rather, magic.
Second, clothing is optional for furies; in fact, it's not needed at all. If you can convince them to attack the enemy naked, the result will be stunning! At the sight of winged naked beauties, enemies will have nosebleeds, drool from their mouths, and remain spellbound for a good ten turns. Alas, side effects are inevitable—most of your own troops will also stand in a stupor and drool. But this is a necessary evil.
By the way, this trick is unlikely to work on enemy women. Also, be prepared for griffins to learn the "sworn enemy" ability as well. Protect your new gar-furies! And organize a free distribution of "PlayElf" for all the men in the army; let them... harden themselves.
3. Minotaurs/Minotaur Guards. Well, you've probably grasped the general idea by now. Who throws axes among us? Correct, orcs. Who throws axes twice? No one, which means you will be the first! Send scouts to the Barbarian camp and steal... no, wrong, not axes. Orc axes are even crappier than skeleton bows; why do you think they throw them at enemies in bunches? Steal ten orc chieftains and three barrels of beer. Give beer to both the orcs and the minotaurs and lock them in a training room. Don't worry, the minos will survive; they are stupider. But afterward, they will throw axes at the orcs with redoubled zeal.
Unfortunately, the orcs will also acquire the "sworn enemy - those bastards who stole our beer" trait. Once again, the scouts will have to take the fall for everyone.
4. Lizard Riders. These warriors are the well-deserved elite of the Dark Elves, but even they can find two useful things. First, better spears. Take the surviving scouts and send them back to the humans. Now their task is to snatch spears from the cavalrymen. For some reason, some pathetic little knights fight with better weapons than the great DE warriors, but now justice will be restored.
The second point is harder. The lizard riders must be replaced by cave dragons. Guess what needs to be done for this? Send scouts back to the Barbarians and steal the remaining beer supplies. Bring the beer to the nearest dragon cave, send the dismounted riders there... and about ten succubi stolen from demons. After a stunning drinking bout and some relaxation, the dragons and DEs will become friends forever. Don't worry about the succubi; it's not their first time changing body sizes and shapes.
Your new dragon riders will be unsurpassed fighters for the honor of the Dark Elf race. Human cavalrymen will learn the "sworn enemy - pathetic DE thieves" ability, demons will be furious demanding their girls back, and it's best to just avoid Barbarians for now. They won't forgive you for the beer.
5. Hydras. These multi-headed creatures are great and beautiful. Many generations of noobs, lamers, and losers in the world of Heroes were killed by their upgrades; their importance is so great that they require no further improvements. Well, except perhaps a second upgrade, but you are powerless in that matter. Give your enemies a short respite, for next to be strengthened will be...
6. Twilight Witches. Do you have any scouts left? If so, announce to them that their same hour has come! You'll have to steal seriously and a lot—very, very much. Send them to the knights and steal clubs from the monks. To the mages—swipe sabers and gloves from the djinn. To the elves—pinch staffs from the druids. To the necromancers—steal lich helmets. To the demons—haul away Cave Demon swords and imp bottles. Just don't go to the Barbarians; you know why.
Now your witches will be invincible. They will cast all available spells in the game, fight with sabers and clubs, and have a huge mana pool. Power over the world will be in your hands.
...
One small piece of advice. Finally, steal as much provisions as possible from somewhere and hide in caves for about half a year, putting the toothiest hydras on guard. Because after all your army improvements, the other races will most likely unite to arrange a total and relentless genocide against you. Wait it out; be smarter. For when you return, dwarves will have already appeared in the world... and the scouts will have something to do again.
(c) Garret_Thief
Necromancy for Dummies, or How to Build an Army with Your Own Hands
Dear aspiring bone lords and masters of horror! This simple guide is designed to help you in the critically important, yet difficult task of army creation. You will see that a skilled necromancer can bend anything, anywhere, and anytime to their will! But most importantly—in the shortest possible time.
1. Skeletons. In modern necromantic society, there is an opinion that reserves should only be replenished with select humanoid skeletons, extracted immediately after a victorious battle. Supposedly, this is the only way to ensure the highest quality of troops.
Do not listen to the opinions of stupid elitists who take the clumsy and slow path! Obtain bones wherever and however you can, and boldly slot them into your skeletons. Whether you found a dead rat on the road, dug up an old lady's grave, or ate chicken drumsticks for dinner—let absolutely everything be used! Do not be afraid to experiment! No money for weapons? No problem; let psychological pressure be your trump card. Upon seeing a skeleton crawling on chicken bones with a rat's skull, the enemy will surely die of something. If not from fear, then from laughter.
2. Zombies. It is common knowledge that walking dead are slow. But few know that in a speed contest against two piles of boulders, zombies took a distinguished third place. A true necromancer knows that a zombie doesn't necessarily need to move to deal damage to a potential opponent. Chop off your zombies' legs and give them to the skeleton warriors. Chop off the arms too and give them to the skeleton archers. Teach what remains of your zombies to swear... and the result will exceed the boldest expectations! Hearing insults from stumps of rotten flesh, enemies will rush toward your ranks with the fury of berserkers. And then they will experience the indescribable sensation of being bitten on the ankles and calves.
3. Ghosts. What to do if the army desperately needs ghosts, but magic powers are insufficient to summon real spirits? Remember, it doesn't matter if you actually have ghosts; what matters is that the enemy believes you do. Use your imagination! Gather the enemy warriors around a campfire some night and tell a few chilling ghost stories about spirits, then dress a couple of dozen of your dead in white sheets. The enemies will fall for it hook, line, and sinker. For the most skeptical, slip some crushed mushrooms into their soup; they will not only see ghosts in broad daylight but also bone dragons that haven't even been invented yet.
4. Vampires. As a rule, these ungrateful snobs sit in their estates and demand huge sums of money to join. What should you do if there are no mountains of gold, but the army needs mobile troops that suck enemy blood?
Once again, imagination and ingenuity will come to your aid! You only need to catch a couple of wild rabbits, let them breed, and then liberally feed the long-eared offspring with blood. In the shortest time, you will have a powerful strike force of mad bunnies eager to sink their teeth into your enemies. Put a small black cloak on each of them, and your vampires are ready for battle. And who cares if they aren't undead? Long teeth? Run fast? Black cloaks? That's all it takes.
Those enemies who survive the zombie bites will receive a new portion of joy and a burst of energy for the rest of their lives.
5. Liches. Strangely enough, these are the easiest to obtain. You just have to promise any mages that in your army they will finally have time for a PERSONAL life. There will be no shortage of candidates.
6. Undead. It is not necessary to read ancient spells to summon powerful spirits of Death into our world. A couple of especially fat zombies and some old monastic robes will do just fine. No one knows what's hiding under the hood, right? Getting weapons is even easier. After the last human emperor issued a decree that all peasants must be armed only with pitchforks, scythes have been gathering dust in warehouses. If the supplies prove too meager or too rusty, feel free to use shovels instead of scythes. They are even better.
An undead with a shovel—now that sounds proud. Those who disagree can try laughing with a crushed skull.
Dark Elf Tactics for Dummies, or How to Strengthen an Already Cool Army
Dear avengers of darkness and relentless killers! Surely you often have to hear spiteful and envious shouts like: "Nerf the DEs!" "Furies are a cheat!" "Behead the hydras!" It can't be helped; in these difficult times, few can appreciate the true beauty of instant death by poison, blades, or an upgraded hydra. This simple guide will help you make the already unpleasant death of your enemies even faster, more painful, and more humiliating. May your army be invincible!
1. Scouts/Assassins. So, what is the main problem with scouts and assassins? Correct—they are unimportant shooters. Therefore, we must make them important, meaning, good shooters! To this end, send them to the camp of a potential opponent—high elves or humans—and order them to steal bows from the elves and crossbows from the humans. Just don't even think about sending them to the undead; not only are the bows crappy, but they'll bite your legs off—believe me.
After completing this dark deed, replace the dull Dark Elf crossbows with cool human ones, teach the guys how to shoot a bow and... voila! First-tier creatures with double shots from bows and triple shots from crossbows will sow destruction and chaos in the enemy ranks. Just don't be surprised if human crossbowmen suddenly learn the "sworn enemy - fucking DEs" ability, or if high elves increase their skills threefold.
2. Beasts/Furies. Few know that these combat beauties adopted their fighting style from extinct creatures called "harpies." By the way, they also inherited the harpies' temperament, but shhh about that if you don't want to wake up one day with your stomach ripped open. In general, fury tactics are almost flawless, but they lack a couple of elements.
First, wings. To obtain these useful gadgets, send the scouts back to the human camp and steal the wings from the griffins there. Attaching them to the furies is just a matter of technique—or rather, magic.
Second, clothing is optional for furies; in fact, it's not needed at all. If you can convince them to attack the enemy naked, the result will be stunning! At the sight of winged naked beauties, enemies will have nosebleeds, drool from their mouths, and remain spellbound for a good ten turns. Alas, side effects are inevitable—most of your own troops will also stand in a stupor and drool. But this is a necessary evil.
By the way, this trick is unlikely to work on enemy women. Also, be prepared for griffins to learn the "sworn enemy" ability as well. Protect your new gar-furies! And organize a free distribution of "PlayElf" for all the men in the army; let them... harden themselves.
3. Minotaurs/Minotaur Guards. Well, you've probably grasped the general idea by now. Who throws axes among us? Correct, orcs. Who throws axes twice? No one, which means you will be the first! Send scouts to the Barbarian camp and steal... no, wrong, not axes. Orc axes are even crappier than skeleton bows; why do you think they throw them at enemies in bunches? Steal ten orc chieftains and three barrels of beer. Give beer to both the orcs and the minotaurs and lock them in a training room. Don't worry, the minos will survive; they are stupider. But afterward, they will throw axes at the orcs with redoubled zeal.
Unfortunately, the orcs will also acquire the "sworn enemy - those bastards who stole our beer" trait. Once again, the scouts will have to take the fall for everyone.
4. Lizard Riders. These warriors are the well-deserved elite of the Dark Elves, but even they can find two useful things. First, better spears. Take the surviving scouts and send them back to the humans. Now their task is to snatch spears from the cavalrymen. For some reason, some pathetic little knights fight with better weapons than the great DE warriors, but now justice will be restored.
The second point is harder. The lizard riders must be replaced by cave dragons. Guess what needs to be done for this? Send scouts back to the Barbarians and steal the remaining beer supplies. Bring the beer to the nearest dragon cave, send the dismounted riders there... and about ten succubi stolen from demons. After a stunning drinking bout and some relaxation, the dragons and DEs will become friends forever. Don't worry about the succubi; it's not their first time changing body sizes and shapes.
Your new dragon riders will be unsurpassed fighters for the honor of the Dark Elf race. Human cavalrymen will learn the "sworn enemy - pathetic DE thieves" ability, demons will be furious demanding their girls back, and it's best to just avoid Barbarians for now. They won't forgive you for the beer.
5. Hydras. These multi-headed creatures are great and beautiful. Many generations of noobs, lamers, and losers in the world of Heroes were killed by their upgrades; their importance is so great that they require no further improvements. Well, except perhaps a second upgrade, but you are powerless in that matter. Give your enemies a short respite, for next to be strengthened will be...
6. Twilight Witches. Do you have any scouts left? If so, announce to them that their same hour has come! You'll have to steal seriously and a lot—very, very much. Send them to the knights and steal clubs from the monks. To the mages—swipe sabers and gloves from the djinn. To the elves—pinch staffs from the druids. To the necromancers—steal lich helmets. To the demons—haul away Cave Demon swords and imp bottles. Just don't go to the Barbarians; you know why.
Now your witches will be invincible. They will cast all available spells in the game, fight with sabers and clubs, and have a huge mana pool. Power over the world will be in your hands.
...
One small piece of advice. Finally, steal as much provisions as possible from somewhere and hide in caves for about half a year, putting the toothiest hydras on guard. Because after all your army improvements, the other races will most likely unite to arrange a total and relentless genocide against you. Wait it out; be smarter. For when you return, dwarves will have already appeared in the world... and the scouts will have something to do again.
(c) Garret_Thief
Вегтам
Auto-translated
Continuation =) (in this case, we are talking about creatures from the 3rd game, not the 5th; the humor is quite specific and will be better understood by a player of that particular browser game).
**Barbarian Philosophy for Dummies, or How to Learn Battle Magic**
Dear Berserkers and Bone Crushers! Have you ever been bored when there are no worthy enemies on the horizon, and the last barrel of beer was stolen by those damned TEs? If you are holding this simple guide in your hands, the answer is "yes," because from boredom, you have even learned to read. Don't waste your precious energy playing cards or competing in throwing empty bottles! We will help you acquire what all other races have, but you don't. If you follow our advice, no one will dare say that Barbarians lack brains... uhm... magic.
1. "Goblin Straight to the Eye!" Unfortunately, green-skinned creatures don't have mana. But the strength of the Barbarian lands lies not in mana, but in a numerous horde of diverse warriors. There are two options: either teach the warriors themselves to cast spells, or use them as a "magical" resource.
So, goblins and hobgoblins. Do you think it is possible to teach a goblin the high art of magic? One minute to think. The answer is obvious... but don't be discouraged too soon. In ancient times, there was a machine for throwing stones over distances, called a "catapult." It was used to storm castles, which, for some reason, has been forgotten in our time. Weakling mages have long equipped their gremlins with hand cannons (though not very good ones), so why are Barbarians worse? It is not difficult to build a simple catapult – logs, ropes, and a spoon that your cyclops uses to eat. All that remains is to name the resulting mechanism "Magical Goblin Thrower," choose a goblin volunteer (that is, the one who is closest), and throw him into the ranks of the stunned enemy!
Perhaps the question will arise: why goblins, and not stones? It's very simple – goblins have harder heads than any cobblestone. And besides, dying from being hit by a green, screaming little creature is such a disgrace...
2. "Wolves are full, enemies are in shock." Logically, only the smartest goblins, who have exchanged spears for sabers and are capable of perceiving new information, become wolf riders... but it is still better to try to teach magic to their wolves. All that is required is a short conversation with any hero so that he shares the secret of super-speed. For any character, including a Barbarian, it is easy to strike an enemy squad, run around the planet in a couple of seconds, and return to their place.
The wolves must learn. And if the goblin riders are unhappy with something, show them the catapult and tell them that otherwise, they will be used as volunteers for another spell.
3. "Orcish Charms." As strange as it sounds, orcs are born wizards, only they don't always use their talent for its intended purpose. The strongest gift of the orcs is not the sluggish throwing of rusty axes, but the selection of dirty curses. Zombies of the Necromancers will never be able to achieve such mastery; they lack the imagination.
Just order your fighters to swear not at each other, but exclusively at the enemy. Three times louder than usual.
The effect will be stunning. If the "Go to hell, you ****" spell only makes the enemies furious and rush at you, then hearing "Make yourself a **** out of *** *** with **** in ****, adding **** ***** of your grandmother **** and *** **** in *** ***** **** *******" will make even succubi blush. If your opponents are unlucky enough to have even a little education, they will roll on the ground, shouting: "This is just physically impossible!! Physically!!" The ears of elves may curl up. The battlefield will become a "field of battle" in the literal sense.
After the swearing wave, you can finish off the enemy army with bearded anecdotes and corny jokes. But keep in mind that this is already the ultimate degree of cruelty.
4. "Ogre Magic." Again, let's turn to ancient times. Any brave hero knew of creatures called "ogre mages." It would seem that the secret of ogre magic has long been lost... but this is not the case at all. Don't pay attention to the not-so-smart faces of your giant fighters. Ignore the fact that the ogre's brain was officially recognized as being smaller than a walnut. In fact, ogres are still the greatest of mages, the quintessence of magic. They are so cool that they don't need any spells except one – "Big Club." Don't try to teach them anything else. Feel free to send giants with clubs to crush the ranks of weaklings who have put on silly clothes and are casting some nonsense. There are no known ways to counter ogre magic.
Every ogre has a mage inside him, who is eager to break free. Especially if the ogre ate him for lunch.
5. "Basic Camouflage." Rocs are mighty and proud birds, capable of flying even if they are not kicked. The only weak point of the winged warriors is their large size, which makes them an easy target for enemy arrows. It's time to teach your birds camouflage magic. All you need is a captured dark elf scout and an elf archer. If they refuse to train the birds, start slowly tearing off their ears. Eventually, you will get your way.
When your rocs are perfectly trained in camouflage, boldly send them to any terrain. Don't miss the faces of your enemies when a suROK suddenly pops up from the ground in front of them. In the river, a kROcodile will be waiting for them; even the local PROphet will have a beak sticking out from under his hood. Make your enemies afraid of even suffixes, roots, and endings! The true ROC is a weapon of the Barbarians.
6. "Special, Cyclops Magic." Cyclops can learn powerful and diverse spells. The simplest is throwing a goblin, only the cyclops acts as the catapult. A little more complicated is the "magical fist." Yes, you are not mistaken, it is exactly that. Only it doesn't look like the mages' flabby fists. The mighty and wise cyclops runs across the battlefield, shouting at the top of his lungs: "MAGICAL FISTTTTTT!!", hits the enemy, and runs back. No mana is required. And no immunities will save you.
But the most terrible thing that cyclops are capable of is a strange ancient witchcraft. A cyclops only needs to bulge his eye and nod at the enemy warriors with the words: "Aha, these guys," and the enemies will immediately turn and flee, shouting "damn, people!" "no no no no!!" and "leave us alone, demon!!"
Although, it seems, what does it have to do with demons?..
(c) Garret_Thief
Драккошка
Auto-translated
Anime is evil! Wolf's Rain is evil! But it's cute...
Something about the beloved South Park:
For fans of Oblivion:
Beware - it's old:
Something about the beloved South Park:
For fans of Oblivion:
Beware - it's old:
Вегтам
Auto-translated
Knight Nobility for Dummies or How to Become a Millionaire
Dear defenders of the Faith and zealots of Valor! You all know very well that a knight's strength lies in loyal and well-equipped soldiers. But what should you do if roulette and tavern games devour so much money that practically nothing is left for the army? Our simple instruction will help you find the answer. An army can bring profit! Never before has the sweet word "freebie" been so close. While all other races are fooling around, knights will follow the only true path. The path to wealth.
1. Peasants. You'll be amazed, but once upon a time peasants didn't just charge the enemy with pitchforks held high to soak up return fire or block archers with their fat bellies. In the past, peasants worked in the fields, raised livestock, and brought income to their master. So what needs to be done so they can replenish your treasury now?
Necromancers long ago found the answer to a similar question... Follow their example. Sell your peasants.
Sell them to everyone! Sell them to demons for sacrifices, barbarians for training, high elves for a laugh, mages for field work, necromancers for skeletons. Sell peasants to dark elves, even if they don't give a damn about them. While the DEs are protesting, stealthily steal back your crossbows, spears, and clubs.
To prevent the peasants from collectively joining the militia after such a policy, come up with some upbeat motto. Something like "This isn't slavery, it's invigorating labor to strengthen morale!" Just don't specify whose morale it is.
2. Archers/Crossbowmen. While the peasants are suffering in enemy camps, it's high time to send your shooters onto the main road. However, not at all to rob caravans. There are fools on the roads, and you don't need a knife for a fool, let alone a bow or crossbow. It is enough just to teach your warriors simple questions, like: "Tell me, who do you think you are in this life?", "What neighborhood are you even from?" and "Listen, got any gold?" "Listen, how about two, or maybe two more?" "And what if I find some?" The results will be staggering.
About a third of the crossbowmen can be appointed as local guards. If people come to them to complain about road vandalism, let them take whatever remaining gold the victims have and promise that they will "take measures." Law is law.
3. Infantry/Footmen. How do you make grunts toil? An interesting but relevant question. One of the most convenient options for an answer is to get them a job.
No, no, don't even think about trying to sell them into slavery like peasants. If you make even a tiny mistake, the infantry will get angry and sell *you* into slavery instead. Stunned, bound, and gagged. Such complications are completely unnecessary, and besides, infantry is too valuable a resource. We are talking about real, paid work that your infantry and footmen are capable of.
So, what can your elite troops do? Move slowly and cover themselves with a Big Shield. The best job option for them is construction. Infantry as laborers, footmen as foremen. It doesn't matter that your guys aren't familiar with the profession! Believe me, in this day and age, it's completely unimportant. Heaven forbid you leave such "builders" in your own city; send your infantry to the castles of a probable enemy. Two pluses for the price of one — money for the "work" and powerful subversive activity. Well, who's going to grieve over the loss of a couple of tons of iron beams? And cracks in the walls, well, who cares about those? If the employer tries to protest, your infantry will always have time to shout: "Boss, why you yell?!" and cover themselves with a Big Shield. Nothing more is actually required of them.
4. Griffins. The most ambiguous combat unit of your army. Well, what are you supposed to do with them? You can't sell them as poultry — they'll eat the breeders. Sell them as mounts — they'll eat the riders. Sell them as pets — they'll eat the owners. Sell them for meat — they'll eat the butchers first, then come back and eat you. What are they even doing in your army? Whose bright idea was it to "tame" griffins? No, really. Peasants, infantry, archers, monks, knights and then bam — griffins. A new species of human, sure.
Alas, even our wonderful instruction cannot help you extract profit from these feathered ones. Leave them as they are; it's better if they just eat your enemies.
5. Monks. As is well known, monks in the knight army don't fool around. They... that is, they engage in godly deeds. Getting them to do anything else is quite difficult, so we advise you to simply let your monks wander around the outskirts of other cities.
Monks, for example, can beg for alms. Few would refuse a request from a beggar with a huge club on his shoulder. A paltry sum of a hundred gold — and the passerby's head will never get to know the club more closely. Monks can bless good citizens! Also for just a hundred gold and under roughly the same conditions. They can convert people to the true faith, heal ailments (guess how), exorcise demons (guess how), punish godless sorcerers (well, you get it) and so on.
With a lucky turn of events, your monks will bring fantastic profit. Just keep a closer eye to ensure that gold from the pockets of the Warriors of the Lord isn't traded for that notorious "stuff," no matter how divine it may be.
6. Knights. Have you ever wondered how hard life is for tax collectors? They are not loved, valued, or understood. How can this situation be changed? Prove to the people that taxes are a useful and necessary thing?..
In general, uh, it's impossible. And therefore only one means remains — fundamentally change the image of the collectors. More precisely — appoint all the knight cavalry of your army in their place. Don't even think about sending your new toll-collectors to your own villages and castles. It is much more logical and profitable to send them (as with the infantry earlier) to collect money in the cities and villages of a probable enemy. While no one is guarding the castles, this will be as easy as pie. When same-to-the-teeth armed knights rush through the streets, hooves of armored horses thundering, everyone will pay taxes. Even the real collectors. The main thing for the cavalry is not to get carried away and do their new job quickly. Otherwise, allied races, who couldn't dig up the dark elves from under the ground, will turn their anger specifically on you.
Success to you in accumulating wealth, noble knights! But still, don't forget that without even the slightest guard, bags of gold have a tendency to evaporate somewhere.
High Elf Wisdom for Dummies or How to Dress Quickly and Fashionably
Dear lords! Due to various circumstances
The entire instruction for elves
Will be done in verse.
Feel the power of the word! And I ask you not to swear,
Because on these pages
Are many cool, wise letters.
Elves are a complex race, they need a special approach
Well, let's figure out
Why they are so cool.
If you place them in the field, as if dousing with cold water,
It's immediately clear: the strength of elves is—
Unearthly beauty.
Beauty will save heroes! But it can be improved,
By applying a little bit of
Money, effort, and other means.
If you go to war, push your sword deeper into its sheath,
Better dress fashionably,
You'll win the battle instantly!
1.
Your fairies and dryads are like kind butterflies
They do over the field
With their wings a flap-flap-flap
Everyone is very glad to see them, and their clothes are convenient
Under the loincloth
It's immediately clear who is who.
If you don't feel sorry for the fairies (war is war, damn it)
Then take off their loincloths,
Let them fly naked.
It will immediately become more cheerful, all enemies will suddenly soften,
And that's when you crush them
Whether into cabbage or salad.
2.
Noble dancers sow death on the battlefield,
Their swords flash so fast
Killing every last pest
Unfortunately, sometimes, absorbed in the fight
Your warriors usually
Forget to dance.
Confiscate their swords, give them leather jackets,
Hats, trousers and bracelets,
Dark glasses on the nose
Let them dance on the field, let them do the boogie-woogie,
Everyone will know — Michael Jackson
Will never disappear.
3.
Elves with bows are the elite in the fierce army of pointy-ears
But their clothes are wretched,
Gods know why.
Fashion is completely forgotten and hands don't obey...
In short, the elves' image needs to be
Cardinally changed.
If archers in green walk like that for camouflage,
Then it's completely unclear
The attire of masters—
Bright orange t-shirts with a strange hood
Camouflage very coolly
Among the greenery in the forest.
Masters — change your gear,
Otherwise, it's just a shame.
4.
Among elves you won't find anyone smarter than druids,
Their outfits tell us a lot
Instantly
The Druid cares for archers, doesn't let fairies be offended,
That's why there is no money
Even for a t-shirt, damn it.
Druids wander in felt boots, they carve their own staffs,
And the high ones, moreover,
Have deer antlers growing.
Century by century, year by year, surrounded by forests
Poor druids freeze
In autumn, winter, spring.
Give money to poor druls
Let them at least buy themselves a sweater.
5.
If you have unicorns, it's just a quiet holiday
For the horses, by their sight alone
Lift the spirit of the troops
Early in the morning before battle show them all at once,
(better — with fairies on their backs)
It will be easier to fight!
Just hide the combat ones,
Their color is too strange.
6.
Ents are powerful guys, real trees.
Their sprawling branches
Strike fear into enemies.
But there's not enough fear in the stormy flames of battle,
It will be easier and more reliable
To eat the opponent's brains.
All that is needed to build a psychotropic weapon is—
New Year's toys
That lie in the attic.
Turn ents into Christmas trees. No need to fight anymore.
All enemies, seeing this
Will quickly go insane.
7.
If you have dragons, better not bother them.
For dragons, unfortunately, don't give a damn about clothes.
...
And they spit accurately, and moreover, with acid.
General conclusion:
Were there money, were there time and a little bit of fantasy,
You would achieve success
And overthrow the enemies.
Fashion is power, believe me. Though not everything happens at once,
Remember that your ears
Will always be pointy.
(c) Garret_Thief Kosha, that's all for now, the author isn't writing anymore =(
Dear defenders of the Faith and zealots of Valor! You all know very well that a knight's strength lies in loyal and well-equipped soldiers. But what should you do if roulette and tavern games devour so much money that practically nothing is left for the army? Our simple instruction will help you find the answer. An army can bring profit! Never before has the sweet word "freebie" been so close. While all other races are fooling around, knights will follow the only true path. The path to wealth.
1. Peasants. You'll be amazed, but once upon a time peasants didn't just charge the enemy with pitchforks held high to soak up return fire or block archers with their fat bellies. In the past, peasants worked in the fields, raised livestock, and brought income to their master. So what needs to be done so they can replenish your treasury now?
Necromancers long ago found the answer to a similar question... Follow their example. Sell your peasants.
Sell them to everyone! Sell them to demons for sacrifices, barbarians for training, high elves for a laugh, mages for field work, necromancers for skeletons. Sell peasants to dark elves, even if they don't give a damn about them. While the DEs are protesting, stealthily steal back your crossbows, spears, and clubs.
To prevent the peasants from collectively joining the militia after such a policy, come up with some upbeat motto. Something like "This isn't slavery, it's invigorating labor to strengthen morale!" Just don't specify whose morale it is.
2. Archers/Crossbowmen. While the peasants are suffering in enemy camps, it's high time to send your shooters onto the main road. However, not at all to rob caravans. There are fools on the roads, and you don't need a knife for a fool, let alone a bow or crossbow. It is enough just to teach your warriors simple questions, like: "Tell me, who do you think you are in this life?", "What neighborhood are you even from?" and "Listen, got any gold?" "Listen, how about two, or maybe two more?" "And what if I find some?" The results will be staggering.
About a third of the crossbowmen can be appointed as local guards. If people come to them to complain about road vandalism, let them take whatever remaining gold the victims have and promise that they will "take measures." Law is law.
3. Infantry/Footmen. How do you make grunts toil? An interesting but relevant question. One of the most convenient options for an answer is to get them a job.
No, no, don't even think about trying to sell them into slavery like peasants. If you make even a tiny mistake, the infantry will get angry and sell *you* into slavery instead. Stunned, bound, and gagged. Such complications are completely unnecessary, and besides, infantry is too valuable a resource. We are talking about real, paid work that your infantry and footmen are capable of.
So, what can your elite troops do? Move slowly and cover themselves with a Big Shield. The best job option for them is construction. Infantry as laborers, footmen as foremen. It doesn't matter that your guys aren't familiar with the profession! Believe me, in this day and age, it's completely unimportant. Heaven forbid you leave such "builders" in your own city; send your infantry to the castles of a probable enemy. Two pluses for the price of one — money for the "work" and powerful subversive activity. Well, who's going to grieve over the loss of a couple of tons of iron beams? And cracks in the walls, well, who cares about those? If the employer tries to protest, your infantry will always have time to shout: "Boss, why you yell?!" and cover themselves with a Big Shield. Nothing more is actually required of them.
4. Griffins. The most ambiguous combat unit of your army. Well, what are you supposed to do with them? You can't sell them as poultry — they'll eat the breeders. Sell them as mounts — they'll eat the riders. Sell them as pets — they'll eat the owners. Sell them for meat — they'll eat the butchers first, then come back and eat you. What are they even doing in your army? Whose bright idea was it to "tame" griffins? No, really. Peasants, infantry, archers, monks, knights and then bam — griffins. A new species of human, sure.
Alas, even our wonderful instruction cannot help you extract profit from these feathered ones. Leave them as they are; it's better if they just eat your enemies.
5. Monks. As is well known, monks in the knight army don't fool around. They... that is, they engage in godly deeds. Getting them to do anything else is quite difficult, so we advise you to simply let your monks wander around the outskirts of other cities.
Monks, for example, can beg for alms. Few would refuse a request from a beggar with a huge club on his shoulder. A paltry sum of a hundred gold — and the passerby's head will never get to know the club more closely. Monks can bless good citizens! Also for just a hundred gold and under roughly the same conditions. They can convert people to the true faith, heal ailments (guess how), exorcise demons (guess how), punish godless sorcerers (well, you get it) and so on.
With a lucky turn of events, your monks will bring fantastic profit. Just keep a closer eye to ensure that gold from the pockets of the Warriors of the Lord isn't traded for that notorious "stuff," no matter how divine it may be.
6. Knights. Have you ever wondered how hard life is for tax collectors? They are not loved, valued, or understood. How can this situation be changed? Prove to the people that taxes are a useful and necessary thing?..
In general, uh, it's impossible. And therefore only one means remains — fundamentally change the image of the collectors. More precisely — appoint all the knight cavalry of your army in their place. Don't even think about sending your new toll-collectors to your own villages and castles. It is much more logical and profitable to send them (as with the infantry earlier) to collect money in the cities and villages of a probable enemy. While no one is guarding the castles, this will be as easy as pie. When same-to-the-teeth armed knights rush through the streets, hooves of armored horses thundering, everyone will pay taxes. Even the real collectors. The main thing for the cavalry is not to get carried away and do their new job quickly. Otherwise, allied races, who couldn't dig up the dark elves from under the ground, will turn their anger specifically on you.
Success to you in accumulating wealth, noble knights! But still, don't forget that without even the slightest guard, bags of gold have a tendency to evaporate somewhere.
High Elf Wisdom for Dummies or How to Dress Quickly and Fashionably
Dear lords! Due to various circumstances
The entire instruction for elves
Will be done in verse.
Feel the power of the word! And I ask you not to swear,
Because on these pages
Are many cool, wise letters.
Elves are a complex race, they need a special approach
Well, let's figure out
Why they are so cool.
If you place them in the field, as if dousing with cold water,
It's immediately clear: the strength of elves is—
Unearthly beauty.
Beauty will save heroes! But it can be improved,
By applying a little bit of
Money, effort, and other means.
If you go to war, push your sword deeper into its sheath,
Better dress fashionably,
You'll win the battle instantly!
1.
Your fairies and dryads are like kind butterflies
They do over the field
With their wings a flap-flap-flap
Everyone is very glad to see them, and their clothes are convenient
Under the loincloth
It's immediately clear who is who.
If you don't feel sorry for the fairies (war is war, damn it)
Then take off their loincloths,
Let them fly naked.
It will immediately become more cheerful, all enemies will suddenly soften,
And that's when you crush them
Whether into cabbage or salad.
2.
Noble dancers sow death on the battlefield,
Their swords flash so fast
Killing every last pest
Unfortunately, sometimes, absorbed in the fight
Your warriors usually
Forget to dance.
Confiscate their swords, give them leather jackets,
Hats, trousers and bracelets,
Dark glasses on the nose
Let them dance on the field, let them do the boogie-woogie,
Everyone will know — Michael Jackson
Will never disappear.
3.
Elves with bows are the elite in the fierce army of pointy-ears
But their clothes are wretched,
Gods know why.
Fashion is completely forgotten and hands don't obey...
In short, the elves' image needs to be
Cardinally changed.
If archers in green walk like that for camouflage,
Then it's completely unclear
The attire of masters—
Bright orange t-shirts with a strange hood
Camouflage very coolly
Among the greenery in the forest.
Masters — change your gear,
Otherwise, it's just a shame.
4.
Among elves you won't find anyone smarter than druids,
Their outfits tell us a lot
Instantly
The Druid cares for archers, doesn't let fairies be offended,
That's why there is no money
Even for a t-shirt, damn it.
Druids wander in felt boots, they carve their own staffs,
And the high ones, moreover,
Have deer antlers growing.
Century by century, year by year, surrounded by forests
Poor druids freeze
In autumn, winter, spring.
Give money to poor druls
Let them at least buy themselves a sweater.
5.
If you have unicorns, it's just a quiet holiday
For the horses, by their sight alone
Lift the spirit of the troops
Early in the morning before battle show them all at once,
(better — with fairies on their backs)
It will be easier to fight!
Just hide the combat ones,
Their color is too strange.
6.
Ents are powerful guys, real trees.
Their sprawling branches
Strike fear into enemies.
But there's not enough fear in the stormy flames of battle,
It will be easier and more reliable
To eat the opponent's brains.
All that is needed to build a psychotropic weapon is—
New Year's toys
That lie in the attic.
Turn ents into Christmas trees. No need to fight anymore.
All enemies, seeing this
Will quickly go insane.
7.
If you have dragons, better not bother them.
For dragons, unfortunately, don't give a damn about clothes.
...
And they spit accurately, and moreover, with acid.
General conclusion:
Were there money, were there time and a little bit of fantasy,
You would achieve success
And overthrow the enemies.
Fashion is power, believe me. Though not everything happens at once,
Remember that your ears
Will always be pointy.
(c) Garret_Thief Kosha, that's all for now, the author isn't writing anymore =(
Пандора
Auto-translated
If our children had their own forum, what topics would be discussed?
***
"Trying to feed me cauliflower: how should I react?!"
"Haven't pooped in 2 days, how to avoid suppositories, Duphalac, enemas, etc.?"
"SOS!!!! Mom is sleeping all night!"
"How do you like the Chicco Polly high chair?"
"They won't let me tear the wallpaper!"
"How to sneak up on the cat?"
"A visit to the local clinic. I'm fed up."
"They won't let me scatter cat litter. How should I react?"
"They put me to bed at 9 pm. How to fight it?"
"My embarrassing photos are on the internet. How to deal with it?"
"Vacation abroad. Is it worth taking parents with you?"
"Lip biting and other ways of creative self-expression."
"Why does a pack of wipes only cover half the room, and where does mom keep the second one?"
"What should a mom be able to do at 27 and a half?"
"Who has tasted Bepanthen ointment? I really want to, but haven't had the chance yet..."
"Is it possible for a breast to be separate from mom?"
"Do you get kissed on the butt?"
"Recommend a speech therapist for grandma."
"How many phones have you already chewed on?"
Help! I put on my boots - how do I stand up now?
How to learn to sleep without letting go of the breast? As soon as I fall asleep, it falls out.
Services: Artistic smearing of porridge on the face.
Who has what mobile? My own melodies are already boring, let's exchange them.
"Mom's nose isn't very elastic. Is that normal?"
"Help! Hair is growing!!!"
"Selling a set of clothes for mom, size 46."
"What pose should I take in my sleep so that everyone at home can watch and admire? Let's share experiences."
"Is mom just tapping her fingers on the keyboard, or does it mean something?"
"Sharing experience - which container is more convenient to pee in."
"Has anyone experienced this? Mom is humming off-key and it's keeping me from falling asleep."
"What should I eat so that I poop purple?"
"Masik, bunny, sunshine, sweetie, kitty... how do I know my name?"
"Mom is strangely happy about my poop - which specialist should I see?"
"She can't sing at 25! Who should I contact?"
"Dad's bald spot isn't growing back. Is it rickets?"
"I get carrot puree, she gets chocolate. Where's the justice?!"
"Where's the nose? Where are the eyes?... Do they not know themselves?"
"Mom's stomach is bloated. What's wrong with her?"
A CRY FROM THE HEART: The cat is fed better! And all attempts to establish
justice are harshly suppressed! Why?!!!
"Poll for babies: what would you like mom to eat on New Year's Eve?"
Poll: who has tried houseplants? Which ones are tastier?
"I'm tired of mom's breast! I want dad's! Has anyone else experienced this?"
"How to get rid of hair on dad's chest? He screams when I try to pull it out. Suggest a painless method!"
"Help, mom doesn't fall asleep until I suck on her breast for 40 minutes."
"I'M FULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I explain this to my parents?"
"I really need your financial support: we don't have salt and sugar. We're eating plain porridge. I feel sick."
"Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man... What is the creative potential of your parents?"
"Why does my sister always stick her tongue out at me and make faces? Is it a lack of culture?"
"Help! The new diaper makes me look fat!!! Recommend a good model!"
"Sucking on a breast and a finger at the same time. Is that maximalism?"
"I get washed every day. Are there any other dirty ones?"
BigAke
Auto-translated
Here are a couple more funny stories about IT guys: :smile54:
Alex: Is it really possible to hack the computer science department's server and steal a networking diploma from there?
Chief: If you do that, they'll give you the diploma anyway.
mcls:
Choosing a gift.
- Well, I know you like tech more.
- I like people more! But since you can't give people as gifts anymore since 1861, I prefer tech!
***
- Our boss did something funny. He went to the CEO to sign invoices for expenses. The CEO said, "You guys keep spending and spending, but when will you start generating revenue?" The boss replied, "Well, we're the IT department, so we can sell information." The CEO choked and quickly signed the invoices!
***
- I just passed a drug test :-)
- Save it.
***
- That'll be 283 rubles. Should I wrap it?
- Huh? No, don't wrap it, just put it in a bag... One question - is there a warranty?
- I'm sorry, what kind of warranty are you looking for?
- Well, if it can't be read?
- What do you mean?
- Well, incompatibility of requirements, for example... A defect, something like that...
- All the progressive young people know that usually, it's the other way around, and then there's a defect. In the worst case... it won't be read... Oh, I get it - you're a professional, how should I put it, at least an advanced user?
- Yes, I'm a programmer. But how did you know?
- If I were Sherlock Holmes, he would have said - by the glasses, the dirty jeans, the hard drive sticking out of your pocket, the three bottles of beer in your hands, and the keyboard under your arm. But I'm not him.... And it's much simpler. This is a paper book; it will definitely be read...
***
Alex: Is it really possible to hack the computer science department's server and steal a networking diploma from there?
Chief: If you do that, they'll give you the diploma anyway.
mcls:
Choosing a gift.
- Well, I know you like tech more.
- I like people more! But since you can't give people as gifts anymore since 1861, I prefer tech!
***
- Our boss did something funny. He went to the CEO to sign invoices for expenses. The CEO said, "You guys keep spending and spending, but when will you start generating revenue?" The boss replied, "Well, we're the IT department, so we can sell information." The CEO choked and quickly signed the invoices!
***
- I just passed a drug test :-)
- Save it.
***
- That'll be 283 rubles. Should I wrap it?
- Huh? No, don't wrap it, just put it in a bag... One question - is there a warranty?
- I'm sorry, what kind of warranty are you looking for?
- Well, if it can't be read?
- What do you mean?
- Well, incompatibility of requirements, for example... A defect, something like that...
- All the progressive young people know that usually, it's the other way around, and then there's a defect. In the worst case... it won't be read... Oh, I get it - you're a professional, how should I put it, at least an advanced user?
- Yes, I'm a programmer. But how did you know?
- If I were Sherlock Holmes, he would have said - by the glasses, the dirty jeans, the hard drive sticking out of your pocket, the three bottles of beer in your hands, and the keyboard under your arm. But I'm not him.... And it's much simpler. This is a paper book; it will definitely be read...
***
Brackman
Auto-translated
The moral code of a landsknecht and condottiero.
1) Maintain your reputation.
2) If witnesses can interfere with the execution of point 1, get rid of the witnesses.
3) Get rid of the witnesses.
4) Half the money upfront.
5) If possible, get more.
6) If, after receiving money upfront, you can keep it without doing anything, think about it – you are essentially working for half pay, trying to get the rest.
7) Conclusion – ask for twice as much.
8) Ask for three times as much.
9) If X hires you to act against Y, and then Y offers a larger sum – assess the situation – maybe X is underpaying you.
10) Or you are working for the wrong client.
11) If X offers a sum larger than Y, try to make sure Y finds out about it.
12) Don't overdo it – because of your maneuvering, they might conspire out of dislike for you.
13) If point 12 happens, take money from both – for resolving the conflict and helping to find common interests and grounds for cooperation.
14) If they agree to this, increase the amount.
15) If not, see points 1-3.
16) At the same time, from the very beginning, take into account points 4-7.
17) Supplement to points 9 and 11 – if there is an interested party Z nearby, try to get money from him too.
18) Twice as much.
19) Three times as much.
20) If, when studying the contract, the words "in case" and "I undertake to pay" appear sequentially in your obligations, do not sign it.
21) If, despite all of the above, you have started working for the money, do not forget about points 1-3.
22) During the work, try not to resort to personal attacks – it is quite possible that next time you will be hired by the one you are acting against this time.
23) If you still resort to personal attacks, see point 3.
24) If everyone around is dead – you have won.
25) Supplement to point 24 – if you haven't been paid for it, maybe you rushed to victory. Also, reread point 4 and
further.
26) If, following all these rules, you have won, and the employer is still alive and willing to pay the agreed amount, it might be worth asking for more. See the circumstances.
27) Don't get cocky.
28) If you get cocky, remember point 1. Increase the amount. In the worst case, you will get the agreed amount.
29) If you are in doubt, use "Greek fire," gunpowder, or another potent means.
30) Remember – there are many clients, but you are one.
31) The word "Moral" in the title is just for show.
32) Never miss an opportunity to eat, drink, and sleep. Disputed property, money, and women are wasted on it.
33) Undisputed ones too.
34) Don't be in the front ranks – you will be killed.
35) And don't be in the last ranks – you will be late for the loot.
36) Take the position of a looting master.
37) Or become his friend.
38) Remember the existing ways of dividing the loot:
a) fairly
b) justly
c) brotherly
d) equally
e) in half
39) Never share the loot.
40) If the division is organized by your comrades, participate. Remember point 38.
41) Never take what belongs to others.
42) Make what belongs to others no one's and own it as the finder.
43) Never get distracted by petty looting if there is a big one ahead.
44) After a campaign, you can return and loot what survived during the campaign.
45) Be honest!
46) It is most profitable to be honest with yourself.
47) Never neglect yourself, offend yourself, or put yourself in danger.
48) Maybe you can hire another landsknecht to work for you for half your salary.
49) And then not pay him.
50) Don't carry unnecessary things with you; they need to be drunk away or, at worst, buried.
51) Don't trust clients – they are bastards!
52) Think with your head!!!
53) If point 52 is impossible, use your helmet.
54) Don't fight in the rain – you might get wet.
55) If you still get wet, use point 52 to comfort yourself in time – point 31.
56) Never eat cucumbers with milk before a serious undertaking – you are not a philosopher, ready to spend the rest of the day passively contemplating the world.
57) As long as someone near you has money, don't stop – see point 52.
58) If someone near you has no money, it means they have hidden it very well – see point 57.
59) Unbroken dishes during a feast are a personal insult.
60) Unbroken faces of comrades are an insult to nature.
61) Protect nature.
62) The ability to run may come in handy after following many of the points.
63) Never save princesses.
64) Make a deal with a dragon, trick the knight.
65) Trick the dragon, see point 3.
66) If it turns out that there is no dragon, but there is a princess, see point 32.
67) Shiny armor attracts enemy crossbowmen. Don't polish your armor.
68) If you owe money to a comrade, polish his armor.
69) If a comrade does not voluntarily give up his armor, polish his face.
70) If a comrade is stronger than you, take into account point 27 and remember point 62.
71) If the employer sent you to fight, and you met a group of mercenaries, have a joint feast. See points 59-61.
72) Without washing or changing clothes, appear before the employer and demand money for a fierce battle and a glorious victory.
73) Offer another group point 72.
74) Use the money received according to point 72 according to point 32.
75) The longer the campaign lasts, the more money you can get.
76) (Conclusion from point 75) If possible, postpone the main battle.
77) Wait until the employer runs out of money, use this as an excuse to return home.
78) Try to get an arquebus (cannons don't shoot at arquebusiers, it's easier to hit pikemen).
79) If you see Swiss soldiers on the enemy side, act like this:
a) If you are commanded by Fründsberg, you have a chance, but see point 76.
b) If you are not commanded by Fründsberg, see point 62.
80) Never. Trust no one.
81) Don't trust anyone, not even yourself. Therefore, count the money many times and in the presence of witnesses. After the counting process, think about points 6, 39, 42, and 46, and act according to point 3.
82) Prepare yourself to join the ranks of the landsknechts from childhood!
83) Remember – at the expense of the employer, you can always get acquainted with the features of the surrounding world: vast expanses and the harsh Russian winter, the Nordic character of some peoples and the Mediterranean temperament of others, the English humor of the third, and the Estonian
reaction speed of the fourth. Where else will you be offered so many sightseeing tours for free?!
84) Keep your head warm and your ass away from places where things that are NOT listed in point 32 are distributed.
85) "Good, bad – the main thing is who has the gun" (c)
86) Always go to work with a clear head and an empty stomach: let the enemy have it even worse.
87) If something can be drunk today, don't leave it for tomorrow!
88) A friend's horse is your horse. A friend's sword is your sword. A friend's wallet is your wallet. A friend's wife is your wife.
89) There are no strangers' wives.
90)
a) A big stomach is good.
b) A big wallet is better than a big stomach.
c) A big cock is better than a big wallet.
d) The ideal combination: a landsknecht with a big stomach, a very big wallet, and an even bigger cock!
91) A condottiero to a landsknecht is a bugbear, goods, and a fragment.
92) General thesis: don't die yourself, and send the employer to...!
93) Eat breakfast yourself, eat lunch yourself, eat dinner yourself – you never know if you will be fed tomorrow.
94) War, maneuvers – it's all nonsense, the main thing is what to eat!
95) Die yourself – but don't let your comrade go to paradise. And have a sword in your hand, and be in the war yourself!
96) Working on Sunday is a sin, on Saturday is a sin, and on the other days it is an even greater sin. A landsknecht must drink, eat, and indulge in debauchery, but not of his own free will, but because that is how the Lord created him.
97) A good sleep strengthens morale. Good food strengthens morale. Good money strengthens morale. And most of all, the absence of an enemy strengthens morale.
1) Maintain your reputation.
2) If witnesses can interfere with the execution of point 1, get rid of the witnesses.
3) Get rid of the witnesses.
4) Half the money upfront.
5) If possible, get more.
6) If, after receiving money upfront, you can keep it without doing anything, think about it – you are essentially working for half pay, trying to get the rest.
7) Conclusion – ask for twice as much.
8) Ask for three times as much.
9) If X hires you to act against Y, and then Y offers a larger sum – assess the situation – maybe X is underpaying you.
10) Or you are working for the wrong client.
11) If X offers a sum larger than Y, try to make sure Y finds out about it.
12) Don't overdo it – because of your maneuvering, they might conspire out of dislike for you.
13) If point 12 happens, take money from both – for resolving the conflict and helping to find common interests and grounds for cooperation.
14) If they agree to this, increase the amount.
15) If not, see points 1-3.
16) At the same time, from the very beginning, take into account points 4-7.
17) Supplement to points 9 and 11 – if there is an interested party Z nearby, try to get money from him too.
18) Twice as much.
19) Three times as much.
20) If, when studying the contract, the words "in case" and "I undertake to pay" appear sequentially in your obligations, do not sign it.
21) If, despite all of the above, you have started working for the money, do not forget about points 1-3.
22) During the work, try not to resort to personal attacks – it is quite possible that next time you will be hired by the one you are acting against this time.
23) If you still resort to personal attacks, see point 3.
24) If everyone around is dead – you have won.
25) Supplement to point 24 – if you haven't been paid for it, maybe you rushed to victory. Also, reread point 4 and
further.
26) If, following all these rules, you have won, and the employer is still alive and willing to pay the agreed amount, it might be worth asking for more. See the circumstances.
27) Don't get cocky.
28) If you get cocky, remember point 1. Increase the amount. In the worst case, you will get the agreed amount.
29) If you are in doubt, use "Greek fire," gunpowder, or another potent means.
30) Remember – there are many clients, but you are one.
31) The word "Moral" in the title is just for show.
32) Never miss an opportunity to eat, drink, and sleep. Disputed property, money, and women are wasted on it.
33) Undisputed ones too.
34) Don't be in the front ranks – you will be killed.
35) And don't be in the last ranks – you will be late for the loot.
36) Take the position of a looting master.
37) Or become his friend.
38) Remember the existing ways of dividing the loot:
a) fairly
b) justly
c) brotherly
d) equally
e) in half
39) Never share the loot.
40) If the division is organized by your comrades, participate. Remember point 38.
41) Never take what belongs to others.
42) Make what belongs to others no one's and own it as the finder.
43) Never get distracted by petty looting if there is a big one ahead.
44) After a campaign, you can return and loot what survived during the campaign.
45) Be honest!
46) It is most profitable to be honest with yourself.
47) Never neglect yourself, offend yourself, or put yourself in danger.
48) Maybe you can hire another landsknecht to work for you for half your salary.
49) And then not pay him.
50) Don't carry unnecessary things with you; they need to be drunk away or, at worst, buried.
51) Don't trust clients – they are bastards!
52) Think with your head!!!
53) If point 52 is impossible, use your helmet.
54) Don't fight in the rain – you might get wet.
55) If you still get wet, use point 52 to comfort yourself in time – point 31.
56) Never eat cucumbers with milk before a serious undertaking – you are not a philosopher, ready to spend the rest of the day passively contemplating the world.
57) As long as someone near you has money, don't stop – see point 52.
58) If someone near you has no money, it means they have hidden it very well – see point 57.
59) Unbroken dishes during a feast are a personal insult.
60) Unbroken faces of comrades are an insult to nature.
61) Protect nature.
62) The ability to run may come in handy after following many of the points.
63) Never save princesses.
64) Make a deal with a dragon, trick the knight.
65) Trick the dragon, see point 3.
66) If it turns out that there is no dragon, but there is a princess, see point 32.
67) Shiny armor attracts enemy crossbowmen. Don't polish your armor.
68) If you owe money to a comrade, polish his armor.
69) If a comrade does not voluntarily give up his armor, polish his face.
70) If a comrade is stronger than you, take into account point 27 and remember point 62.
71) If the employer sent you to fight, and you met a group of mercenaries, have a joint feast. See points 59-61.
72) Without washing or changing clothes, appear before the employer and demand money for a fierce battle and a glorious victory.
73) Offer another group point 72.
74) Use the money received according to point 72 according to point 32.
75) The longer the campaign lasts, the more money you can get.
76) (Conclusion from point 75) If possible, postpone the main battle.
77) Wait until the employer runs out of money, use this as an excuse to return home.
78) Try to get an arquebus (cannons don't shoot at arquebusiers, it's easier to hit pikemen).
79) If you see Swiss soldiers on the enemy side, act like this:
a) If you are commanded by Fründsberg, you have a chance, but see point 76.
b) If you are not commanded by Fründsberg, see point 62.
80) Never. Trust no one.
81) Don't trust anyone, not even yourself. Therefore, count the money many times and in the presence of witnesses. After the counting process, think about points 6, 39, 42, and 46, and act according to point 3.
82) Prepare yourself to join the ranks of the landsknechts from childhood!
83) Remember – at the expense of the employer, you can always get acquainted with the features of the surrounding world: vast expanses and the harsh Russian winter, the Nordic character of some peoples and the Mediterranean temperament of others, the English humor of the third, and the Estonian
reaction speed of the fourth. Where else will you be offered so many sightseeing tours for free?!
84) Keep your head warm and your ass away from places where things that are NOT listed in point 32 are distributed.
85) "Good, bad – the main thing is who has the gun" (c)
86) Always go to work with a clear head and an empty stomach: let the enemy have it even worse.
87) If something can be drunk today, don't leave it for tomorrow!
88) A friend's horse is your horse. A friend's sword is your sword. A friend's wallet is your wallet. A friend's wife is your wife.
89) There are no strangers' wives.
90)
a) A big stomach is good.
b) A big wallet is better than a big stomach.
c) A big cock is better than a big wallet.
d) The ideal combination: a landsknecht with a big stomach, a very big wallet, and an even bigger cock!
91) A condottiero to a landsknecht is a bugbear, goods, and a fragment.
92) General thesis: don't die yourself, and send the employer to...!
93) Eat breakfast yourself, eat lunch yourself, eat dinner yourself – you never know if you will be fed tomorrow.
94) War, maneuvers – it's all nonsense, the main thing is what to eat!
95) Die yourself – but don't let your comrade go to paradise. And have a sword in your hand, and be in the war yourself!
96) Working on Sunday is a sin, on Saturday is a sin, and on the other days it is an even greater sin. A landsknecht must drink, eat, and indulge in debauchery, but not of his own free will, but because that is how the Lord created him.
97) A good sleep strengthens morale. Good food strengthens morale. Good money strengthens morale. And most of all, the absence of an enemy strengthens morale.
WhiteLizard
Auto-translated
Little animals!
Statistics
Welcome our newest member:
recijeb