Siverfale
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Jokes about Jews. I wonder, will I be banned for racism?
Chaim Rabinovich and Semyon Katzman are walking down the street. Suddenly, Semyon turns and says:
— Listen, Chaim! If you had two Mercedes, you know, the coolest ones, with all the extras, like a bar inside and everything – would you give me one?
— Semyon, my dear! How long have we known each other? Thirty years? We've been friends since school. Why are you even asking? Of course, if I had two such Mercedes, one would definitely be for you.
They walk on. Again, Semyon turns:
— And, Chaim, imagine you had two luxurious yachts, exactly the same. Would you give me one?
— Semyon, why are you asking such questions? We're like brothers, you were my witness at my wedding, and at my son's bar mitzvah, and in general... Of course, if I had two yachts, I would give you one.
They walk on. Suddenly, Semyon turns again:
— And imagine, Chaim, that you had two chickens...
— Semyon, that's not fair. You know I have two chickens.
— Semyon, how many pies can you eat on an empty stomach?
— Well, probably five or six.
— That's where you got caught, Semyon! On an empty stomach, you can only eat one pie. The rest will be eaten on a full stomach!
— Yes, that's a good one! Let me catch Abram now... Hey, Abram, come here! How many pies can you eat on an empty stomach?
— One.
— That's where you got caught, Abram! You should have said: "Five or six." Then I would have told you a good joke!
The police are interrogating a colonel for hitting a Jew:
— Well, you see, this jerk stepped on my foot. I'm a cultured person, so I decided to wait a minute, maybe he would move. A minute passed – he's still standing there. I waited another minute – he's still standing there. I counted down the last 30 seconds – he's still standing there. So I punched him!
The colonel was reprimanded and released. A soldier is brought in, who beat up 17 Jews in the same carriage.
— Why did you beat up 17 Jews?
— Well, I'm riding in the carriage. I see a colonel and a Jew standing next to each other. The colonel looks at the Jew, then at his watch, then at the Jew, then at his watch. Then he looks again – and bam! He punches him! So I figured that it had started all over the country...
A 104-year-old Jew is dying. His 108-year-old friend comes to see him and asks:
— Well, how are you feeling, Abram?
— Bad, Izya, very bad. I'm probably going to see God soon!
— Well, if he asks you, "How is Izya doing?", tell him you haven't seen me, you don't know anything about me.
Who comes to visit with what:
A Frenchman – with a mistress. An Englishman – with a joke. A Russian – with a bottle of vodka. A Jew – with his nephew, Semyon.
Who leaves the visit with what:
A Frenchman – with a new mistress. An Englishman – with a new joke. A Russian – with a black eye. A Jew – with a piece of cake for Aunt Sarah.
-I'm Jewish and I always emphasize it. Can I use your phone, by the way?
-You can, if you're not bothered by the Arabic numerals on it...
Chaim Rabinovich and Semyon Katzman are walking down the street. Suddenly, Semyon turns and says:
— Listen, Chaim! If you had two Mercedes, you know, the coolest ones, with all the extras, like a bar inside and everything – would you give me one?
— Semyon, my dear! How long have we known each other? Thirty years? We've been friends since school. Why are you even asking? Of course, if I had two such Mercedes, one would definitely be for you.
They walk on. Again, Semyon turns:
— And, Chaim, imagine you had two luxurious yachts, exactly the same. Would you give me one?
— Semyon, why are you asking such questions? We're like brothers, you were my witness at my wedding, and at my son's bar mitzvah, and in general... Of course, if I had two yachts, I would give you one.
They walk on. Suddenly, Semyon turns again:
— And imagine, Chaim, that you had two chickens...
— Semyon, that's not fair. You know I have two chickens.
— Semyon, how many pies can you eat on an empty stomach?
— Well, probably five or six.
— That's where you got caught, Semyon! On an empty stomach, you can only eat one pie. The rest will be eaten on a full stomach!
— Yes, that's a good one! Let me catch Abram now... Hey, Abram, come here! How many pies can you eat on an empty stomach?
— One.
— That's where you got caught, Abram! You should have said: "Five or six." Then I would have told you a good joke!
The police are interrogating a colonel for hitting a Jew:
— Well, you see, this jerk stepped on my foot. I'm a cultured person, so I decided to wait a minute, maybe he would move. A minute passed – he's still standing there. I waited another minute – he's still standing there. I counted down the last 30 seconds – he's still standing there. So I punched him!
The colonel was reprimanded and released. A soldier is brought in, who beat up 17 Jews in the same carriage.
— Why did you beat up 17 Jews?
— Well, I'm riding in the carriage. I see a colonel and a Jew standing next to each other. The colonel looks at the Jew, then at his watch, then at the Jew, then at his watch. Then he looks again – and bam! He punches him! So I figured that it had started all over the country...
A 104-year-old Jew is dying. His 108-year-old friend comes to see him and asks:
— Well, how are you feeling, Abram?
— Bad, Izya, very bad. I'm probably going to see God soon!
— Well, if he asks you, "How is Izya doing?", tell him you haven't seen me, you don't know anything about me.
Who comes to visit with what:
A Frenchman – with a mistress. An Englishman – with a joke. A Russian – with a bottle of vodka. A Jew – with his nephew, Semyon.
Who leaves the visit with what:
A Frenchman – with a new mistress. An Englishman – with a new joke. A Russian – with a black eye. A Jew – with a piece of cake for Aunt Sarah.
-I'm Jewish and I always emphasize it. Can I use your phone, by the way?
-You can, if you're not bothered by the Arabic numerals on it...
Where do we go?
Where do we end up when we save the world?
Where do we end up when we save the world?