TAKEN FROM
GOOgleHERE YOU GO:
Runes on the pages of the spellbook
7th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of Mana
Today the Archmage summoned me. He put the question of creating yet another new unit very sharply. Apparently, Gargoyles are somehow not serious enough; a stronger warrior is required. Deadline – one week, I must make it. Otherwise, I'll have to resume (good old) waving my magic wand at imps. I am in shock.
8th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of Meditation
Spent half the day thinking about what to invent. Decided to do something on the principle of a Gargoyle – animate something and patch it up for battle. Spent the other half of the day pondering what to animate. In the main square outside my window, for several months now (since the magistrate was built), there has been a monument to an unknown ruler (probably unknown even to the head of the magistrate) named "Ilyich." Damn, I have to do something, it doesn't matter from what! I don't want to fire my wand at imps!
9th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of Implosion
With great difficulty, I squeezed a work permit out of the magistrate. Gathered gremlins to dismantle the monument. After several futile attempts, it turned out that he was very firmly embedded right into the square. I'll have to use combat magic and simply pry the damn old man off the pedestal. Oops, I forgot that today is Implosion week... In short, for the rest of the day, the gremlins were gathering "Ilyich" across the square.
10th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of the Fairy
Submitted a report to the superiors on the work performed. After that, to avoid similar incidents, we were provided with a separate room – a former elephant house with thick walls. Also ordered a box of superglue from the gremlin workshop to restore the base of the new unit. After that, I applied the old "division of labor" method. While the gremlins glue the statue, I am modifying the Gargoyle Animation spell for "Ilyich."
11th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of morale
Having significantly replanned the same spell, I went to check on my workers. It turned out that the gremlins used half the glue completely wrong, and with the other half, they somehow put "Ilyich" back together. Well, the statue doesn't look like "Ilyich" at all, but it was fast. Fine, damn it, the main thing is the base is ready; I'll work with what I have.
12th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of the Gremlin
There is a holiday in the city – finally, a day fell in our favor! In honor of this undoubtedly outstanding event, the builders achieved the impossible – they finished building the gremlin manufactory! Took my charges for re-equipping. At the manufactory, they were given tools, helmets, and shown how to use a homemade gun. Now they are supposed to fix everything they are given. In theory. On this occasion, I made a new artifact for the gremlins – a morale keychain. Now they don't have to sniff glue!
13th lunar day, Moon in the constellation of
Time is running out! Today I enchanted the statue. It works!!! Now the statue walks sloooowly, kicks the gremlins, and almost completely ignores magic (it seems the source material is telling). It just twitches a bit, but that's okay, it'll do as is. I named my new unit a Golem. Now give them weapons and into battle!
Added after 1 minute
Taken from the same place:
The 13th Guards Infantry-Hoofed Regiment named after Kha-Belekh is preparing for the spring inspection. Regimental formation, parade review on the same plaza.
Cap (regiment commander) commands: "Atten-tion, unit commanders to the tribune!" The drum plays, heroes step toward the tribune.
Comrade Heroes! Yesterday I learned that the High... himself will be at the inspection. All work teams return to the regiment, leaves are forbidden! Polish the cauldrons at the barracks entrances until they shine! 1st battalion, I'll start the inspection from your barracks tomorrow and if I see even one imp without a flask, you're going on vacation in winter. What? What do you mean "haven't been issued for a long time"? You want them every week?! Warehouse manager, issue them the missing flasks! No, not tomorrow, but the day before the inspection. And the tags should be there by tomorrow, is that clear Nimus? Everything is always wrong in the infantry, meteor on your hordes...
2nd battalion and 1st division - you have a field outing in a week; tents and carts are already standing in front of the firing range as of tomorrow. What do you mean "leaked"? Warehouse manager, issue them torn tents, don't look at me with the eyes of a suffering lemur. Let them spend all night sewing one new one from two torn ones, an icicle to your head!
Recon company! Why are your cerberuses so skinny; are you trading dog food on the side? So what if "they have 3 heads," but they only have... one stomach! I don't care, by the inspection they must be groomed and well-fed, like those peasants!
Alright, thick-skulls... Where is Grok? Now, why are the nightmares not shod for summer? When did winter end? The day after tomorrow you present the stables to me. What "give us another 2 days," I know it's scary to shoe them, I almost o.. got scared once when walking past. Cast submission on the devils and forward, with a song!
By the way, speaking of songs, we will practice singing as a regiment after lunch.
3rd battalion, conduct fire training tomorrow finally! Explain to these horned animals – yes, I mean the demons – that before making "boom," you need to look around to see if there are comrades nearby! It's embarrassing in front of allies, honestly; otherwise, in battle, I will personally force you to run across the battlefield and collect smelly pieces of oblivious zombies.
And where are those su.. succubi. Chief of staff, from tomorrow they are also at formation and march in line with the whole regiment. What are you saying? We don't have women, we have military personnel. Moreover, look at the Dungeon; no, I don't encourage their dress code, of course, but they are all women, forgetfulness all over their heads!
2nd division, cave slow-wits must be able to do more than just say "meow" at lost lone soldiers, but also concentrate fire on important sections of the field! Just hammer it into their stupid heads, please, about the minimum distance from your own troops; yes, such a thing exists, you damn snipers! And, Nebiros, you are the army's intellect, you were trained in magic, raise the initiative, or do you think spitting twice means you can turn into spectators? And what are swords for? Yes, swords and chains must shine tomorrow, and don't let the personnel loose; make them take off those stupid painted wooden skulls!
Yes, this applies to everyone, I hope you haven't forgotten what day it is tomorrow? Tonight the veterans will "convert" the new recruits into "upgraded" ones, fireball to their liver! At today's meeting, commanders will personally present me with those responsible for each unit. And don't appoint first-level ones there, or you'll go yourself. And if I notice a hangover instead of healthy fire breath tomorrow, then the plague will seem like a common cold compared to what I will utter without looking into the magic book!
That is all, comrade heroes, to your units, march!
Added after 41 seconds
and its sequel
The 13th Guards Infantry-Hoofed Regiment named after Kha-Belekh, a week after the spring inspection, passed as "satisfactory." Regimental formation.
Cap: "Atten-tion, unit commanders to the tribune!" The drum plays, heroes step toward the tribune.
Comrade heroes, the day after tomorrow young two-year hero recruits arrive. Yes, yes, "four-eyes," "students." Please treat the new recruits with care. Chief of staff, house them in the regimental club for now, and then we'll distribute them to apartments. Explain to them that they didn't come here to drink mana and that they won't be able to just sit it out for 2 years. Especially in times when the enemy has proven capable of reaching the Capital! (It is our tradition to flee to the Capital first, and only then drive the enemy back). Among you, comrade heroes, are participants of recent battles. Tell the young heroes why our regiment was awarded the Guards title. No, no need to mention fleeing from an elf-poet, a punishing strike to his tongue, that was a maneuver if anyone didn't understand. Introduce the young heroes to the personnel, conduct classes with them, check what they were taught at the military department; they should know second-level magic, a swarm of wasps in the m-m-m... ear. In general, ensure the fastest possible integration into our heroic collective. Alastor, why are you smirking? "Integration" does not imply an orgy in the medical company with the consumption of "hard" drinks followed by failure to appear at formation! We already have 5 marks against the regiment, if I'm not mistaken, two for using combat magic in peacetime. Fine, I have acquaintances in the administration. Have you already forgotten how we rebuilt the burned-down tavern at night and manually replanted ears of corn after a herd of nightmares on the fields? Do you want us to be famous across all of Hyena? Only over my dead body... Ahem, don't hold your breath!
2nd battalion, from you tomorrow is a work team for mushroom cleaning; don't forget the briefing lists for personnel regarding safety requirements. And finally, set up "Kha-Belekh's Corner" properly! During the last inspection, I turned redder than a drunk gremlin's face seeing how you depicted him. And when your, so to speak, demons couldn't clearly explain who our High Commander is, I almost cast implosion on my own head; it's good he later went to the recon company... He loves dogs...
Hoofed battalion, from you tomorrow is a column for walking. Yes, yes, already at 6.66 they stand at the checkpoint; chief of hoof service, just don't give them hay for 50 miles, or you'll be carrying them back to the regiment on your shoulders.
Unit commanders, personally conduct political training classes! Tell the personnel about Haven, the order-bringers, a ring of ice around their necks. Comrade wolf eats and listens to no one! Remember how they brought "order" to the sheikhs! I don't believe in their Queen's madness, oh I don't believe it. Who pocketed the mercury towers? That was them defending their resource independence, not bringing order to the peoples. And who is there to bring order to, golems and those stone monkeys?
And remember, comrade heroes, the strength of your soldiers. Yes, they are not elves, they count to 6 on their fingers, but we have no others, no one will give us others! What has the devilish soldier always been famous for? Resourcefulness, strength of spirit, endurance. Don't call them animals or insects; they have souls too... Use their strong points and may Urgash be with you!
That is all, comrade heroes, to your units, march!
Added after 1 minute
The 13th Guards Infantry-Hoofed Regiment named after Kha-Belekh. Another regimental formation.
Cap: "Atten-tion, unit commanders to the tribune!".
Comrade heroes ... Nimus, is this your young hero? Why are his hooves uncleaned? Hooves must be polished so that I can see my reflection in them. When was the last time you performed personnel washing? Don't remember? Soon it will be impossible to distinguish a simple demon from an upgraded one because of the mud coating! And have you seen your devils' faces; zombies wash more often than your pests? What do the devils look like! I'll give you "a tan"! Where is this young hero of yours with the frightened eyes? Resting, lightning between his goggles? I told you not to make young heroes responsible. Yesterday after lights out I enter your barracks, and this "student" of yours is sitting, locked in the office, I swear by my horn, writing poetry. And in the quarters, veteran demons have put basins on the recruits' heads and are forcing them to jump from the second tier head-first – luckily there are no brains there – they're playing griffins! If I see such a thing again, you and your "four-eyes" will be jumping from the club roof with helmets on backward. Is that clear Nimus? Everything is always not like other devils in the 1st battalion. And we say that demons are half a step on the evolutionary ladder to a super-being! Looking at the 1st battalion, I think it's a dead end.
3rd battalion, why are you smiling; do you think I won't say anything about you? Why is your territory not cleaned? "Ash fell overnight"? And what were you doing before breakfast? Ash must be laid in even parallelepipeds, i.e., have a neat square appearance. In an hour you present order on the territory to me.
2nd battalion, tell your hero appointed as senior of the mushroom cleaning work team that he will personally eat all suspicious mushrooms. Yesterday I drive past the beds, and there are devil clones imitating bustling activity, while this "mushroom-picker" is sleeping, wrapped in a tent. If he doesn't make the deadline, instead of a quarterly bonus he'll get a tail across his whole bald face and a burdock on his collar.
1st division, you have WMD training tomorrow. Yes, I am aware that usually, it's hard to distinguish the one who was hit by WMD from the one who used it. But personnel must be trained, especially since radiation doesn't harm glass objects, only the skin is then hard to scrape off... Establish a reflex in subordinates to fall with hooves facing the point of asteroid impact on the surface without breaking flasks.
2nd division, show me this young hero who managed to accept cave lords with wooden swords painted silver from someone retiring to the reserve? Where is this he-ro-ic giant? Sick? Heroes don't get sick... Are you even planning to prepare for war, comrade heroes?
Do you think we have no enemies, that everyone around are friends? Yes, the long-ears sleep and dream of planting "herb" plantations here and then selling it to sheikhs, and they don't care about the disappearance of relic thorns! And who wiped out the animals in the forests, us? I don't have deer heads hanging on my wall at home. And they are the ones teaching us to protect nature, mother of ours, meaning them! And how do they feast in their trees and then destroy everything that moves and drink everything that burns? If Faedan's hands hadn't shaken so much after the "festival," I wouldn't be standing here. The world is full of double standards; philistines think we are driven by a thirst for destruction... Alastor, when I look at your smirk, thoughts worse than that visit me. I haven't forgotten when at the army council I had a pale look before Kha-Belekh because of your "Santa's deer" from frightened nightmares. What could possibly scare a nightmare?!
Alright, now we will march with a song. Devils must scream the song so that the muscles on their st... stomach shake!
Comrade heroes, to your units, march!
Added after 13 minutes
An elf meets a knight:
Elf: "Hau, my pale-faced friend."
Knight: "Aaa, a talking bush!" *receding sound of hooves*
Elf: "Tfu, forgot to take off the camouflage suit again. No, really, what an idiot, can bushes talk?"
Ent standing nearby: "Yes, and I marvel at human stupidity."
Elf: "Aaa, a talking tree!!.. Tfu damn, spent too much time communicating with humans..."
An elf meets another elf:
First elf:
"O beautiful brother of mine,
My heart fills with joy,
Just seeing thy face,
Full of grace!"
Second elf: "Have you gone mad, greeting me with this crap?!"
First elf: "I just enrolled in poetry courses named after Faedan."
An Elf meets a Dark Elf:
Elf: "Lady, let us part ways quickly; I do not mistreat girls, quite the opposite in fact..."
Dark Elf (languidly): "But why hurry then?"
Elf: "You see, my unicorn is looking at your riding lizard rather suspiciously, and I feel within him desires similar to mine toward you... I suggest we meet under more convenient circumstances, say, this evening..."
Dark Elf (even more languidly): "I agree."
Elf: "Well then, it's a ple... *passionate neighing, thundering hooves* SNOWBALL, I SAID STAY! BAD UNICORN!"
An Elf meets a Demon:
Demon: "Grrrr!!!"
Elf: "Oh, what a pleasant encounter!"
Demon: "Grrr??"
Elf: "No, no, there is no need for axes and bows, why these formalities? I have been a long-time admirer of yours, and have always marveled at the stunning power of the creatures in your army..."
Demon: "Grrr, gr."
Elf: "Allow me to get an autograph from the mighty Archdevils?"
Demon: "Grr-what kind of graaa-autograph?..."
Elf: "Oh, a most ordinary one... yes, yes, from you, and from you... only from creatures of two populations, no more needed... Why? Oh, just a hollow formality, nothing more... the capital demands it, bureaucrats."
An Elf meets a Necromancer:
*banshee's wail*
Elf: Damn, how sad... life is so wretched... maybe I should amuse myself? Archery always lifted my mood...
*whistle of ten arrows in four seconds*
Elf: Yes, that is much better and more cheerful. *rides away*
Necromancer: Sigh, what archers are going to waste, such specimens... Well, no matter, maybe next time... *pause* NOW REMOVE THESE ARROWS AND GET ME OFF THIS OAK TREE, YOU STUPID ZOMBIES!
A Knight meets a Mage:
*The Knight examines first the gargoyles, then the djinn, then the elephant. Scratches the back of his head*
"Hey, Dad! Where'd you get that?"
Mage, taking another drag: "We've been sitting here for a looooong time..."
An Elf meets a Mage:
*The elf's gaze falls upon the elephant*
Elf: "Honored aksakal! Where did you obtain such a wonderful animal? As far as I know, the climate of our forests does not permit elephants..."
Mage: "Elephants? What elephants?.. *inhales smoke, purple clouds* My horse has gotten somewhat fat lately, but... *inhales smoke* I don't understand what you're talking about..."
*The elf watches with wide eyes as rainbow wings grow from the elephant and it flies away into the blue distance*
