But all the interesting stuff was only just beginning...
Day 1. Slept until noon. But some lieutenant came and started waking us up. We didn't appreciate his audacity and demonstrated to him, and on him, the ancient ninja technique "Kyuzki Matt." For some reason, the lieutenant took offense. So that he wouldn't howl like a beluga during haymaking season, we poured him 500 grams. The lieutenant drank it and stopped howling. Then everyone woke up and started buzzing along with the lieutenant. In the process, a conversation about this and that broke out. Here is what the lieutenant told us. The higher-ups decided that for variety in our diversionary training, the ability to properly manage various means of transport would be useful. Therefore, another training session begins for us.
Day 2. For the sake of conspiracy, a refrigerator truck with "Chickens" written on it came for us. We loaded up and left. It got boring... so we started singing songs. After two hours, the drivers asked us to shut up, as they were fed up with requests to sell a couple of mutant chickens, which save themselves from the cold by telling jokes and singing gangster songs in the language of New Zealand natives. Arriving at the destination, we sprawled out on the grass and let out a synchronized snore.
Day 3. A major came and said that he was the top ace here. To which it was reasonably countered that aces are one-eyed. The major was somewhat embarrassed but told a heartbreaking story about how he took the sound barrier by the gills. The plane's wings were being repaired, but the plane with the engine needed to be tested. And so the major had to take the sound barrier right on the highway. We almost burst into tears. We felt sorry for the bird. Meaning—the plane.
Day 4. Instructors came and handed out motorcycles to us. For some reason, they gave a lecture that there are three types of motorcycles. Three-wheeled—for children and pensioners, two-wheeled—for ordinary people, and one-wheeled—for professionals. Well sure, how about that... One-legged infantrymen run faster and better. We rode with pleasure, although the instructors screamed that you should go around poles, not ride up them.
Day 5. Instructors started stretching cables in front of us. But we didn't panic and bit through them on the fly. The instructors started screaming that they stretch the cables so that we feel as one with the motorcycle and jump over them. We replied that we cannot be one with the motorcycle, as a motor is not provided in our backsides. For some reason, the instructors looked at us like idiots.
Day 6. We were learning to "take the barrier." Ivanov got nervous and drove through the barrier (a brick wall). The rest simply jumped over it, clutching the motorcycle in their arms. The instructors cried. In the evening, Ivanov, Petrov, and Sidorov went out for a stroll for exercise. The rockers didn't like them. Then again, they didn't like the rockers either. Our guys kicked the rockers' machinery a bit, up to an "eight." Then they thought about it and kicked some more—up to a "nine." I wonder how the rockers will ride on a "nine"?
Day 7. The instructors gave up on us. In the sense that since light ground transport didn't work (they would have brought a subway here next), maybe flying ones would. They took us on an excursion to the helicopter hangar. Ivanov tried the antenna with his teeth. He bit off a piece, but the instructors didn't notice. Sidorov had a dispute with the instructors, which ended with Sidorov being called an "earthworm." As a countermeasure, Sidorov tied the rotor blades into a knot. The instructors cursed for a long time.
Day 8. Susanin wrecked two helicopters. Susanin himself, climbing out from under the wreckage, got off with light scratches, while the instructors sitting next to him in the helicopter suffered great shock. They shouldn't have said that if we wrecked these helicopters, they would send us new ones.
Day 9. Since fresh helicopters cannot be delivered by tomorrow, we are heading to the shooting range.
Chronicles of the Diversionary Unit. Shooting Range.
Day 1. Today we reached the shooting range on a tourist "Ural," where we will be taught to shoot from all mobile means of weaponry. Our same-shooting instructor will be a sergeant. They say he is a good sniper and can hit a running cockroach in the eye from ten meters.
Day 2. We learned to shoot pistols. As it turned out, shooting with feet is more interesting than with hands. But still—it's not interesting. On the other hand, we discovered that they fly poorly as boomerangs. The sergeant said that if we keep perverting things like this, next time we will shoot from an arquebus. Right! Let him first find even one piece in usable condition.
Day 3. Today they showed us an assault rifle. From the point of view of a skilled ninja—it's a good club. And if you sharpen the knife well, you can use it to mow grass. For rabbits. Petrov bet the sergeant that he wouldn't hit the target in three tries. The sergeant tried and—missed. No wonder—Petrov secretly bent the barrel of the rifle.
Day 4. We learned to shoot assault rifles. In our joy, we used up 15 boxes of ammunition and mowed down all the grass at the range. The shell casings, however, had to be collected with rakes and shovels.
Day 5. We learned to assemble and disassemble various models of assault rifles. Sidorov managed to assemble such a cunning thing from various parts (blindly) that the sergeant gasped and sat right where he was standing.
Day 6. We were learning to use a sniper rifle on small targets. Unexpectedly, a general arrived for inspection. At that time, Ivanov decided to check the range of the rifle and, as an experiment, shot a goose at the same local warrant officer's dacha (which for some reason turned out not to be so far from the range). Right in the birdhouse, if you can put it that way. The general thoughtfully scratched the back of his head with binoculars and said: "Well, damn, you guys can really shoot..."
Day 7. The warrant officer filed a goose-related claim against Ivanov. Ivanov's dispute with the warrant officer regarding the geese ended with the warrant officer still owing three more geese and a jar of mayonnaise.
Day 8. We arranged a banquet for the general, as a parting gesture. In the evening, we stowed his unconscious body into a plane. After the plane took off, it turned out to be the wrong plane. No wonder the pilots resisted... Furthermore, by mistake, instead of staff documents, they stuffed a manual "How to properly raise chickens in the conditions of the Sahara oasis" into his briefcase.
Day 9. We were learning night firing from a machine gun with an optical sight. By the time we figured out what was what, we managed to mow down half a grove. Then Vorobyov guessed to remove the night vision device, after which the results became much more accurate. We decided not to touch the wood that was mowed—we'll have a picnic here.
Day 10. We learned to shoot from a Stinger. A funny thing... But it doesn't shoot around corners, we checked. As an experiment, Sidorov shot a squirrel in the eye with a Stinger. And he hit. Because it proved impossible to dispute this due to the absence of a carcass, but the squirrel's tail was identified.
Day 11. Susanin asked the sergeant to show him some mushroom spots, as the last goose had already been eaten. After three hours, Susanin dragged back a bag of mushrooms, from which we immediately started making shashlik. And the sergeant returned after three days, dressed in a Papuan uniform. He accidentally got lost.
Day 15. We learned to shoot from a mortar. We secretly placed a cobblestone on top of a mine. As a result, after "launch," the mine flew one way and the cobblestone—the other, but with the same course. The sergeant almost fell right where he was standing. But he cleared his throat and said that this is a new type of mine—with a split warhead. We launched several more mines in a similar way. This fun ended when a forest ranger came and declared that it's time to stop scattering all sorts of junk, otherwise the moose get scared and jump right into the trees. And he was tired of taking them down.
Day 16. We learned to assemble and disassemble a mortar. Sidorov, as always, assembled a cunning thing. The sergeant said that he wasn't sure if this "device" would work, so everyone stepped back. The "device" works, but the mine flies in a sinusoid. We turned the thing upside down, and the mines started flying in a cosine.
Day 17. We were introduced to the cannon. Theoretically. Because the sergeant said that he was afraid to imagine the result of what we could do with it, and which end it would shoot from after that. If it could at all. And learning to shoot a cannon can be done from a textbook.
Day 18. They showed us a real tank today. While we were feeling it—we bent the tank's trunk. The sergeant cursed for a long time using ten-story expressions.
Special Mission
Day 1. A general came to visit us. To avoid attracting unnecessary attention, he didn't arrive in a camouflage Mercedes, but in a conspiratorial armored car. He told us (in secret) about an important government assignment. Enough of us aimlessly gnawing on state rations; sometimes we need to actually do some work. Therefore, we are entrusted with a special mission: penetrate the camp of enemy terrorists and show them "Kuzka's mother," and then kick their asses right up to their ears. Regarding the receipt of the combat assignment, we arranged a small banquet with moderate fireworks. By mistake, however, we managed to launch a couple of illuminating-shock rockets. It was bright, but we didn't like their piercing squeal.
Day 2. We slept off and gathered strength and health. It turned out that during the banquet and fireworks, none of the locals were harmed, except for those who, due to impressionability, didn't make it to the toilet in time. Local aksakals say they haven't seen such fireworks for about a hundred years.
Day 3. There isn't much time for preparation, so we went to headquarters for a captured terrorist. After which we interrogated him ninja-style. He told everything, down to the 9th generation of his pedigree. Now the main problem is filtering out this unnecessary information. And why did they say at headquarters that he was remaining silent?
Day 4. We are simply shocked. Our captain is also a ninja, studied in the secret school of Zakherach, but pretends to be an innocent infant. For a warm-up, he threw a log so hard that it, describing a tangentoid, landed so far away that the scream of someone who happened to be there at the wrong time reached us only after a minute. We counted on our fingers—20 kilometers. And how he swings his shashka... he cuts a small birch tree with one flick.
Day 5. To avoid hitting the puddle face-first, we conducted small exercises in taking an abandoned farmstead in the forest. For the duration of the operation, all wildlife within a radius of 10 kilometers was evacuated, accounting for the scatter of splinters.
Day 6. We were planning our operation. To stimulate thinking, we drank coffee. Brewed on vodka. As Ivanov jokes, the drink is "diamond black." We considered 15 and a quarter options, but then the captain came and said that the tactics of the operation would be simple: break in unnoticed, cause panic, scare everyone to death, and disappear unnoticed.
Day 7. We called the general. Discussed the upcoming operation, as well as the weather and the sex lives of Australian rabbits. The layout turned out like this. We get on a small cruiser and sail to a friendly harbor. So that the enemy doesn't think anything bad, we will simulate a pleasure cruise. And from there, we go by opportunistic transport to smash the nasty terrorists. In the evening, we played ninja poker. It differs from ordinary poker in that ninjas do not carry cards with them.
Day 8. We arranged a training day. Threw bricks from around corners and shot from blow-pipe machine guns. Learned to crawl through trees "flat-style." Mastered a new ninja weapon—a crowbar with fins. For camouflage, the crowbar comes with a cover in the form of a Christmas tree. At night we frolicked, throwing shurikens with a laser sight. We knocked something down somewhere.
Day 9. The chairman came. Says that some pig is lying on his roof. We came and looked. Indeed, a pig. Yesterday we didn't know yet that the chairman's pigs are sleepwalkers.
Day 10. We went to a range with simulated jungles. The captain was right—it's easier to squeeze between trees or break straight through them than to try and mow a path with knives or some sabers. In the evening, they called from headquarters and said that some villain sawed off the propeller of our ship. Therefore, we have two options: row manually at a speed of no less than 20 knots or get there by submarine. We found the second option more attractive.
Day 11. We learned underwater swimming in the pool of a New Russian general. Posed as crocodiles. The security, of course, was surprised by such an unexpected addition, but decided not to investigate "how and what." When two crocodiles are frolicking, a third won't be extra—it'll be food.
Day 12. At the request of the chairman, we demolished an old bridge. In the process, we practiced using new explosives with an electronic detonator. The bridge was completely demolished, but some tractor surfaced. The chairman is now racking his brain on how to sink it back down.
Day 13. Upon closer inspection, the tractor turned out to be a tank from the First World War. The chairman, bursting with importance, resembles Mao Zedong. And he is busy with philosophical reflections on how to move the tank from the river into his garage.
Day 14. At the New Russian general's dacha, crocodiles ate bananas. Right on the palm tree. And piranhas learned to jump out of the water and eat birds flying by right on the fly. I wonder when the security will realize that animals need to be fed sometimes? And we are heading to the "Sea Range" to study methods of influencing marine predators.
Day 15. Arrived at the range. The range resembles a large pool, but reeds are stuck in it and various sponges float around. For realism. To celebrate the arrival, we drank beer and ate a box of chips. Fed sharks 25 loaves of bread. Judging by their enthusiasm, they are on self-service and cost-accounting.
Day 16. After a brief (four-hour) lecture on the cunning of sharks and ways to protect against their teeth, it was time for practice. Since sharks in our area are scarce, we were offered to train on "reusable" sharks. So that we didn't turn the shark into a full hot dog, bulletproof vests were put on the "sufferers," so the sharks swam like cows on ice. It turned out that the most effective technique is an unexpected blow to the shark's nose. While it is in a state of surprise, grab it by the tail and spin it until it loses orientation. In the evening, we played Chingachgook and cat-and-mouse with them.
Day 17. Learned swimming blindfolded. The instructor says that previously they used a "smoke bomb"—a black powder of unknown origin; after its dissolution, the water resembles ink. But now the powder has run out, the rest were eaten by sharks, and new ones haven't been delivered yet. Out of habit, we got some bumps and bruises, and almost drowned the instructor.
Day 18. Listened to a lecture on "How one should swim in dissipative water masses" and "How to properly use a barometer." Looked at beautiful pictures of strange animals. The lecturer in black epaulettes claims that these are not products of his fantasy, but composite sketches. He recommends hitting them right in the snout upon meeting, and figuring it out after "neutralization." At night we learned underwater swimming with night vision devices. It's like swimming with a bucket on your head, because you still can't see anything through this device. Almost drowned another instructor (the first one has an upset stomach for some reason, since yesterday).
Day 19. Practiced fencing with knives and sabers underwater. Shurikens can be thrown, but it's difficult. Unfortunately, we couldn't manage to swing nunchucks. On the other hand, sparring in fins turned out to be a very interesting activity. Ivanov and Petrov, as the most enthusiastic, had to be pulled out with a net. In the evening, we tried an exotic dish—sprat marinated in alcohol. We snacked on squid shashlik.
Day 20. Learned underwater shooting with combat forks from a spring pistol. Stupid fish get in the way, by trying to impale themselves on the fork. We had to adjust the regulators so that the fork flew through the fish like a hot poker through butter. After lunch (whale whisker soup and turtle omelet), we shot at moving targets. The bad thing is that it's hard to keep up with mannequins tied to a boat. In the evening, we sawed off the instructor's fins.
Day 21. When the instructor entered the water, Sidorov secretly attached a small but heavy anchor to his swim trunks. Therefore, the instructor quickly noticed that his backside was being pulled down and started intensively waving his fins to correct the trim. That's when they (the fins) tore off. Out of surprise, the instructor began to spin and wave his arms, so the sawed-off scuba tank mounts also tore off. We, as spectators, simply could not stand on two limbs anymore. Pity we couldn't saw off the swim trunks. Meanwhile, the instructor was performing a mating dance of an octopus. The sharks laughed so hard they almost lost their tails.
Day 22. In the morning, the "wet affairs" instructor came to us. By build—the spitting image of a sea bear. He will lead us in a short course for marine divers. Other instructors fell ill for some reason. The new instructor told us (in the form of a lecture) several stories from his own experience of "small skirmishes on and inside the water." In the evening, we made shashlik from fish and mussels.
Day 23. Learned the proper placement of marine traps. By lunchtime, a poacher was caught in one of the traps. We amused ourselves by throwing him to the sharks. I've never seen a person swim so fast. From what the poacher managed to catch, we cooked fish soup. In the evening, we made fish aspic. Since we couldn't find a large pressure cooker, we adapted a titanium boiler for this purpose.
Day 24. Learned the proper installation of traps and surprises for divers. After setting them up, instructors came to take a dip. One of them stumbled upon a peacefully lying trained ray, after which he jumped out of the water about five meters high and, performing a triple flip, dove back in backside first. We had to fish him out with a stick and hook. The others, however, also had to be fished out.
Day 25. Listened to a lecture on methods of fighting enemy divers. The use of an oar is quite effective. Firstly, the sight of a person swimming underwater with an oar greatly puzzles the opponent, and secondly, it's convenient to poke him in the nose and between the legs. The method of "putting a sea urchin in the opponent's underwear" is also interesting based on results. And if we sneak up on the opponent unnoticed, we can use rakes to pull down their same trousers. In the evening, we learned to throw a swordfish at a target. Quite original, but this fish has poor balance.
Day 26. Learned the method of fighting enemy submariners using paint and a paintbrush. Squeeze paint onto the mask and spread it with a brush. While the opponent is confused, you can cut not only their fins but also the air hose. And if there's no knife, you can inject a syringe with skunk extract into the hose. After lunch, we learned to bite through nets. With titanium dentures. If the net is extra-strong, a hydraulic amplifier can be used. In the evening, we flattened flounder for fish pancakes.
Day 27. Learned the art of ikebana using magnetic mines. If the "object's" hull turns out to be wooden, glue must be used. It's called exactly that—"Glue for Magnetic Mines."
Day 28. Listened to a lecture about dolphins. A dolphin is a diver's friend, possesses good speed and maneuverability characteristics, so in the water it can replace a horse or a dog. For these same reasons, one's own dolphins should be pampered and cherished, while others'—should be punched in the face immediately.
Day 29. Mastering riding dolphins. It's like riding jet skis, but dolphins are more complex to control. On the other hand, they know how to properly jump over barriers and other obstacles. In the evening, we listened to artistic whistling performed by a choir of dolphins.
Day 30. Engaged in taming wild dolphins. The instructor calls them mustangs. The most important thing is to hold tightly to the fins and stay far from the tail. In the evening, we danced in a circle together with the tamed dolphins and stuffed their stomachs with fish.
Day 31. The instructor taught us how to use a "torpedo"—a pipe with an engine and a motorcycle handlebar. This thing can be used as a tugboat and as a ram. And on land—as a large club. In the evening, we held races on "torpedoes." Sidorov finished first because he secretly overclocked the engine. As a reward, he received 20 laps of honor.
Day 32. The instructor came and said it's time for us to get ready for the journey. Our submarine finally surfaced at the agreed spot.
Day 33. Gathered our simple belongings and loaded into a tourist-type "Ural." Each of us has an amulet dangling on their chest—a dried and anodized piranha, as a sign that "A soldier won't hurt a kitten." At the crossroads, we slightly ran over a Mercedes that was parked incorrectly. Two terminators climbed out of the Mercedes, but Ivanov fought them off with a manhole cover. We took the cover with us. We'll make an amulet or a large shuriken out of it.
Day 34. Reached the boat station. Otherwise—military base "Sea Gladiolus Number 327/549." Our equipment has already been loaded into the "belly" of the submarine, so tomorrow we set off on a combat operation with songs and dances. We establish contact with the submarine crew via the alcohol method. Listened to curious stories about how brave submariners fooled enemy scuba divers "with stools on deck," about how they raised a mean octopus that sat its backside right on the periscope, about how they sawed off the keel of an American cruiser that entered the wrong square...
Day 35. Our twenty-star (by the number of sunken enemy units) boat "Merciless Mosquito," after three hours of wandering through the fairway, went out to sea. Set course for a friendly military base where we will be unloaded. Arranged an excursion through the nooks and crannies of our transport vehicle. Met the pride of the crew—the ballistic torpedo "Baby." Spent the rest of the day playing on a Dendy, which was accidentally found with the captain of the "Merciless Mosquito."
Night 36. Surfaced to breathe fresh air. Furthermore, our captain needs to make a phone call via satellite. In the process, we decided to take a dip, but three cheeky sharks are in the way. To avoid waking Warrant Officer Samson, who learned how to rip open shark mouths (there was even a photograph somewhere: "Warrant Officer Samson rips open a shark's mouth to get a lure"), we used a first-category lethality anti-shark agent—a brick on a string. After ten minutes of "intensive therapy," the sharks fled in an unknown direction.
Day 37. Slept until noon. Nothing to do anyway. Wanted to knock out a couple of bulkheads to set up a small gym, but the captain didn't allow it. Said that then the submarine would fall apart. So we amused ourselves by cutting a couple of sea charts into squares, mixing them, and assembling them back like a mosaic. In the evening, we played darts with an axe for butchering ostrich meat.
Night 38. Breathed fresh air. Wanted to lure a couple of birds flying by straight into the boiler, but then own malicious scuba divers attacked us. Fought them off with combat knitting needles. The remaining ones jumped into the water in horror. And just then the sharks lined up in queue...
Day 39. Sonar operators noticed some incorrect noise. Surfaced and looked through the periscope. Some suspicious transport vessel. Just in case, we fired two torpedoes at it. A 20-meter funnel appeared where the ship was. Strange... were they carrying firewood?
Night 40. Caught flying fish with a net. We'll dry them, paint them and—sell them as souvenirs. Caught several bags, but then the submarine captain came and said that the fish must be thrown away because "under conditions of insufficient volume and pressure drop, self-ignition of dried fish is possible." And from a food point of view—the crew is stuffed with this fish in every crevice. Now if we had caught a ram...
Day 41. Stumbled upon some combat cruiser. Judging by the flags and silhouette—not ours. To avoid revealing our presence, we lay on the bottom. So that the day doesn't go to waste, we drink alcohol. The captain periodically looks into the periscope, after which he spends several minutes rambling about the peculiarities of the intimate lives of the cruiser's inhabitants.
Night 42. The cruiser stands like it's nailed down and has no intention of sailing away. And we are tired of waiting. Wanted to stick a couple of mines to it, but the captain said that would be untactful on our part. So we limited ourselves to jamming the rudder with a crowbar and winding all sorts of junk around the propeller, including rags and the captain's old bed. After which we quietly slipped away.
Day 43. Some ship is pursuing us. Looks like a long-range fishing schooner, but the submarine captain cannot believe that three large-caliber machine guns are used for catching fish. To clarify this point, we are preparing a sortie for a "tongue"—cleaning two irons and a soldering iron.
Night 44. Landed a detachment on the schooner. The attempt at resistance was quickly suppressed with wet fins and an anaconda decoy. There are many "tongues," it's unclear who to interrogate. Threw in a Rubik's cube, tails came up. Therefore, we interrogated the vessel's captain. Since the captain pretended to be deaf-mute-blind, we demonstrated the interrogation methodology on a randomly chosen sailor. After which it quickly became clear that the crew was performing the task "track and punish those scoundrels who ruined our cruiser." To avoid towing a ship with prisoners behind us on a rope, we took apart their engine and radio for spare parts, and then threw this junk overboard along with the anchor. Warmly said goodbye and left.
Day 45. No incidents occurred, except that some bird was shot, but it fell and exploded. It felt unfair, so we drank a liter of alcohol per head.
Day 46. Today we saved a person. He was floating in an inflatable boat in a tattered state ("Chewed by a crocodile," said our captain). The rescued man was so happy that he kissed everyone three times. Says he was flying in a plane, suddenly the plane shook so hard that it fell apart and crashed. And the pilot himself fought off sharks for a day with a baseball bat and condoms (stretching them over their snouts).
Night 47. While breathing the fresh night breeze, a romantic mood appeared. Howled at the Moon from the heart for about two hours.
Day 48. Approaching the destination. Our cook is making pufferfish out of mackerel, according to an ancient Papuan custom. And we, so as not to waste time, caught a sea cock and started teaching it to crow. Struggled for about two hours but couldn't overcome its insurmountable stupidity, so we put it in a soup. With meatballs.
Night 49. Decided to take a dip, but were attacked by mean rays. We didn't like their flat faces, so we glued them in pairs (tails in opposite directions), having previously charged batteries from them.
Day 50. Arrived at the military base. We were met by the base chief and an honorary guard of walruses. A small banquet was arranged for the arrival. Ivanov decided to shake a palm tree to snack on a fresh little banana. But instead of bananas, two monkeys fell down. After a brief briefing, they were sent back for bananas.
Day 51. Unloaded our simple belongings from the submarine. Only 20 or 30 tons. Unfortunately, our guide was eaten by crocodiles. Completely by accident. But we'll be given a parrot-navigator. He has already undergone special training.
Night 52. Set off fireworks made of banana peels soaked in gasoline. Some building burned down; a smoldering peel accidentally fell on it.
Day 53. Since we will be deploying from a low-flying plane, we arranged small training sessions for jumping from a palm tree with a parachute. In the evening, we had a farewell banquet. Petrov, in a burst of enthusiasm, performed a dance on bamboo stilts. Large striped mosquitoes interfere a bit, but we've counted their snouts, so there is a truce now. Sang songs together with the monkeys.
Day 54,
8:00. Relocating from the naval base to the airfield. We will use a herd of camels as transport. The entire journey takes one day by camel speedometer. Part of the equipment was screwed onto the camels on top, and the rest—in a trailer. At first, the camels refused to pull the trailer, but we explained the combat task to them using skilled ninja methods. As fodder, we took a large bag of camel thorn, and for stimulation—turpentine.
9:00. Set off.
12:00 Stopped for a smoke break. The camels just fell on their sides as they stood. What kind of stupid habits do they have? Fed the camels. Some of them didn't want to eat, so we had to persuade them "for mom, for dad...", and as soon as the camel relaxed, we pushed the thorn straight into its stomach with a ramrod. After the smoke break, no particular trouble arose in "getting the camels on their feet." After turpentine stimulation, the camels became brisk and cheerful.
14:00. To avoid being bored while walking, we taught the camels to sing "Our proud Varangian does not surrender to the enemy." How soulfully they hummed it...
15:00. Stopped for lunch in some oasis. In a burst of enthusiasm, the camels ate all the grass and almost started a fight over bananas, so we had to call them to order. After lunch, Ivanov told jokes to maintain high morale among the camels.
16:00. Taught the camels to walk in step to confuse a potential enemy. We chose a "sergeant" walking last as a standard and guide from among the camels.
17:00. Stumbled upon a monitor lizard and arranged a small safari. Frolicked so much that the lizard buried itself in the sand out of fear. We didn't bother looking for it with a mine detector or digging it up—too lazy.
17:30. Attacked by a group of bandits in camouflage paint (they only have underwear as clothes) and with bamboo spears. Tied the spears into knots, gave the savages a beating on the neck, head, and shin. Failed to interrogate the "unworthy elements" because the parrot translated every second phrase of theirs as a "game of untranslatable words." Therefore, we shot them from camels (with spits).
18:00. Caught some animal that looked either like a turtle or an armadillo. Packed it and took it with us for soup.
19:00. Arranged a small smoke break under a large bush of an unknown plant. The parrot entertained us with tales about the local natives. At the smoke break spot, we planted a symbolic pennant "Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov and their friends were here" and an empty vodka bottle.
20:00. Got bored. Amused ourselves by catching a lion and shaving it. Bald. After which we got scared ourselves.
21:00. The airfield is already visible. Through binoculars. Petrov wanted to fire a greeting shot from a Stinger, but was afraid the camel would fall over from the recoil. Stimulated the camels a bit.
22:00. Reached the airfield. Drove the camels into a shed so they wouldn't get underfoot. Settled near the plane and uncorked a canister of alcohol.
Day 55,
23:00. The plane door opened and the pilots tumbled out from the guts of the plane. As it turned out, these scoundrels overslept our solemn meeting. We, of course, scolded their spoiled nature and took measures by pouring each a penalty liter23:57. They turned on the plane's parking lights and danced in a circle around it. An unusual and colorful sight. Especially with the songs.
Day 56,
00:30. A sleepy penguin tumbled out of the plane and caused quite a stir. But we, as well-bred ninjas, expressed our emotions with modest cooing. As it turned out, in its youth, the penguin escaped from the "Zoo" facility and attached itself to the plane (more accurately, they only found it a week later, and by accident). And so it has been flying for two years now.
02:07. A bit tired but satisfied, we crashed own to sleep. The Captain is using the penguin instead of a pillow.
09:00. Woke up due to a loud trumpet blast. An elephant is trumpeting. The elephant is green with a white chest. The pilots told us that since it was painted while they were drunk, rumors have persisted that the Russians are conducting genetic experiments to turn a fly into an elephant, and an elephant into a dragon.
09:30. An elephant is a handy thing. How quickly it inflates balloons... However, the pilots use it in a more prosaic way—to inflate tires, because the standard pump sang its same swan song after two months.
10:30. Took a ride on the elephant. Not bad. They're right when they say that the bigger the horse, the better.
11:00. Setting up long-distance communication to talk to headquarters. Doing everything by the book (according to GOST). Deployed the radio station and encryption complex for talking and swearing. Nailed the antenna to the control tower (actually, the control tower at this airfield is a hammock between the tops of two trees, but that doesn't change the essence).
14:00. The Captain, tired of listening to the wheezing and groaning, spat on this erotica and ordered us to drown the radio in the nearest swamp. He then unpacked a satellite phone from his "briefcase."
14:30. As it turned out while receiving additional instructions, we won't be given a tank because it's not allowed. It would get stuck between the trees. And a "Belarus" tractor in the "jungle version" wouldn't help us much; it would mostly be in the way.
15:00. Considering the possibility of replacing the tank with two elephants.
16:00. Unfortunately, elephants are out. Firstly, there are no parachutes for them, and secondly, they only fit into the plane when folded.
17:00. Packing our own parachutes. The local monkeys interfered a bit, but we quickly taught them a lesson by twisting their tails. And our parachutes are special—an experimental model tested on kamikaze cows. On the plus side, these parachutes don't get stuck in trees; you can even leave them attached after landing.
18:00. Threw the gear into the plane. For food, we took a canister of alcohol, canned goods, and dried ostrich meat. The pilots told us a tall tale about carpet bombing with ostrich eggs and hippopotamus excrement.
19:00. Refueling the plane. A major inconvenience is that the fuel tank is far enough from the plane that the hose can't reach it. The suggestion to feed gasoline to camels, drive them to the plane, and "unload" them was rejected due to implementation difficulties. We had to run around a bit with buckets.
21:00. Sat down for a moment before the journey. Literally, because there are no benches or sofas.
22:00. Closed the hatch, secured it with a crowbar so it wouldn't open prematurely, and took off. Various potholes and small animals getting under the wheels interfered slightly, but no major problems arose.
Day 57, 23:00. Had a bottle of beer to relieve fatigue and napped for a bit. 23:50. The acoustics on board are skewed, so the pilots mistook our thunderous snoring for an attempt to saw the plane apart mid-flight and woke us up. Something is wrong with their nerves. They could have slept themselves instead of walking around dark corners with a shotgun.
Day 58, 00:05. Poured three buckets of beer byproducts overboard. Painted ourselves; we looked like zombies out for a stroll. Stepanov went to the hatch to smoke, and the first bird that saw him gained another kilometer in altitude within five seconds.
01:23. Dropped a couple of crates of sprats into a friendly village. Let the local papuans enjoy this analogue of manna from heaven.
04:45. 30-minute readiness declared. Laced up boots and flies. Threw empty beer bottles overboard. Tried to get the jitters, but the plane began to vibrate strongly. We're afraid it will fall apart.
05:00. Synchronized watches, compasses, maps, and call signs. Meeting near the ancient ruins by the Z-shaped tree.
05:16. The green light came on. Jumped quickly and all at once. Everything else tumbled out after us. Due to such imbalance, the plane did a couple of flips but kept flying.
05:17. A parrot settled on the Captain's shoulder and is commenting on the situation. Sidorov's parachute didn't open. But Sidorov didn't panic and opened his reserve parachute, produced by the Mukhosransk Station for Young Technicians. Some crazed bird landed on Petrov's head and started pecking away in shock. We had to launch the newly minted "woodpecker" far away with a slingshot.
05:28. Landed. Gathering at point "Zyu." The Captain sat right on a tree (tree-sat), so he doesn't need to gather. The parrot walks around the tree and repeats the code identification phrase "it seems rain is starting" in Japanese.
05:35. Sidorov landed right in a pond with crocodiles. At first, the crocodiles were happy with a free snack straight from the sky, but after a short dialogue with Sidorov in the style of "and who are you," the crocodiles had to (to get rid of Sidorov) dance the can-can.
05:37. Ivanov landed on a striped cow and rode it to the meeting point. The Captain critically examined the cow and said it was a pity it wasn't a white horse.
05:45. Everyone gathered. Petrov dragged some lizard like a "monitor" by its tail. He claims it's a decent transport vehicle.
05:50. Drank a glass of alcohol to raise morale and hearing. Meanwhile, we watched the mating striptease of some colorful bird. Only why is it hitting on Stepanov instead of the parrot?
05:52. Threw the monitor away. Too much unnecessary hissing. And its power is low.
06:01. Too lazy to bury the parachutes, so we dropped them into an abandoned well. Checked watches against the map and set out on a combat march along the correct azimuth.
Day 59,
07:00. Stopped for a break and breakfast. Chumped loudly, imitating a tiger to scare off unwanted guests. And if a tiger drops by, we'll give him a full-scale "tiger-galumph" using an improved methodology. Drank a glass of alcohol to improve digestion. Had shashlik made from scorpions caught with mousetraps baited with canned meat.
07:15. Listened to the parrot's lecture on safety when meeting representatives of local flora and fauna, as well as measures for neutralizing these specimens. The Captain, in turn, gave a lecture on the labor protection of saboteurs.
07:30. "Accidentally" left an American flag at the break site. Then we set off.
08:04. Some kind of anaconda fell from a tree onto Petrov and tried to bite him. But we quickly beat this hose's face in and threw it back up the tree. The Captain told us a touching story about how he once whipped a rhinoceros with a liana when it started hitting on him.
09:11. Encountered an obstacle. It's a river, and no bridges are visible within a 100-meter radius. We will cross over.
09:15. Kicked down a tree and crossed over it without soaking our shoes. The piranhas are gnawing on the tree out of frustration since they lost potential delicacies. To keep them from suffering too much, we threw them a can of stewed meat.
09:58. Came across a palm with invitingly hanging pineapples. Ivanov suggested eating them so they wouldn't fall into the hands of enemies and crocodiles.
10:00. Shook the palm. Along with the pineapples, some bird fell down, dissatisfied with something. The bird was thrown out since we don't eat birds raw, and there's nowhere to plug in a microwave.
10:15. Entertained ourselves by pelting each other with pineapple scraps. It was fun, so morale strengthened. Left memorable tooth prints and a leaflet from 1905 on the palm.
11:11. Ivanov fell through the ground. Into a pit. Panting and snorting came from the pit. Lowered a rope. When Ivanov hooked on—we pulled him up. But we didn't pull up Ivanov, but a dead tiger. While we were wondering what this meant, Ivanov climbed out of the pit on his own. As it turned out, a tiger had recently fallen into this pit, so he and Ivanov (who fell right onto the tiger's neck and stepped on its tail while climbing out) had some kind of dispute. The deceased tiger, with a sign "I am a partisan and an unfit element" written in the local set of words, was solemnly lowered back into the pit.
10:42. Came across spring water. Had a watering break, dispersing unnecessary witnesses. The water was pre-mixed with alcohol to disinfect microbe-like things.
11:58. Encountered impassable jungle. Too lazy to go around the jungle, and even lazier to go through it. Sitting in fern bushes and thinking. Sidorov is pulling out lianas to make lassos.
12:17. Petrov, wandering around, stumbled upon a herd of elephants. With joint efforts, we scared them so much that they charged and plowed a path for us through the jungle forest with their chests.
12:35. Walking as if on a stroll through a Disneyland plaza. The parrot sprawled out on the Captain's shoulder and entertains us with amusing stories. About Murzilka.
13:30. Stopped under a large burdock leaf for lunch. Propped up the burdock leaf with sticks so that an elephant accidentally falling from a tree wouldn't interfere with our consumption of food.
13:40. Set up smokeless firewood—a marvel of modern technology. For lunch, we have game porridge planned. The game still needs to be caught. And for dessert—tropical fruit juice. We happened to bring an "universal crusher" based on vices made from sapper shovels.
13:45. Flipped a coin to find out what kind of game we would consume: running or flying. The coin didn't come back—the parrot, sitting on a branch by complete accident, swallowed it. We decided not to beat the coin out of the parrot—we made a wish about which side it would come out on by dinner. As for the parrot, the Captain issued a reprimand with an entry in its personal file. To avoid forgetting, he tied a knot on the parrot's tail.
13:50. Set off to obtain game. The first thing that caught our eye was a large beetle, about a meter and a half long. Sidorov says it's an armadillo, so you have to shoot it in the right eye or bash it with three-meter logs. However, bashing will be necessary anyway—to make a cutlet from a monolithic piece of meat. Therefore, we limited ourselves to driving the beetle up a tree.
14:14. Encountered a horse with horns. Had to run around a bit, but overall the operation to capture lunch was successful. Except for several baobabs knocked down in the excitement. We didn't bother putting them back. Let them think a hippopotamus messed up out of hunger.
14:24. While we were out shooting game, the porridge cooked. Started consuming the first portion, using a hide instead of a rug.
14:30. The Captain told us a story about how he climbed into a bear's den to sleep. Before he could fall asleep, a bear arrived in the den and started roaring in a foul voice and showing off its claws. Out of frustration, the Captain shaved the bear with a shuriken (selectively, in stripes) and tweaked its bolts. After that, he suggested in an accessible form that the bear take a walk and not disturb his sleep.
14:50. Petrov, as a specialist in unconventional seasonings, put such a cunning seasoning into the roast that not only our morale but also our hair stood up. On end.
14:57. Guzzled three liters of tropical juice each. Good thing Petrov didn't manage to put anything in there.
15:03. Knocked down a couple of crows with gnawed bones. The crows, however, are some kind of strange here—too colorful. But they swear just like normal ones.
15:05. Wrapped the remaining bones in the flag of the probable enemy and placed them in a visible spot so that no one would understand anything. Standard ninja tactics for covering one's own tracks. The Captain told us an incident from his "work biography." Back then, a small diversionary squad did a summer march-throw on skis, and the enemy, seeing ski tracks on the grass, wrote it off as mass insanity.
15:21. Before we could get far from the lunch spot, Ivanov pulled a hanging liana. As a result, a panther fell from the tree.
15:23. Calmed the panther down. When it fell from the tree and saw our unshaven faces, it got very scared.
15:42. Played with the panther. What a gentle but big kitten! Unfortunately, the Captain is rushing us: we have a combat mission.
15:58. Petrov, sensitive to both auditory locators, heard a suspicious noise. To avoid revealing their location to the enemy, they lay down in the bushes, throwing out any suspiciously looking wildlife. The parrot pretended to be a dummy Christmas ornament.
15:59. A crowd of natives ran past not far from our ambush. Painted like ostriches, and wearing star-spangled underwear. Yes, we are clearly not the first ones here... I wonder if this is humanitarian aid or if the underwear was purchased on commercial terms? Sidorov, as a resourceful man, wanted to find out (he has something to offer), but the natives run too fast, and it's a pity to send a bullet as a courier.
17:03. Met a full-blown lion on a narrow path. The lion refused all 22 offered options for compromise. Therefore, we simply beat its face in and walked over it like a division of lemmings.
17:15. Had a tea party. Since water must be conserved, the brew was mixed with alcohol. A curious monkey ran up. We poured some for it too. How it danced after that... Even "The Nutcracker" pales before its dancing.
17:56. Caught some kind of bird. Stepanov, after digging through a handbook, reported that its feathers bring luck. The bird was plucked for talismans. One feather was left for it—for luck.
18:17. Encountered a large toad. Had to go around it through the bushes, as the parrot says its bite leads to anal convulsions.
18:25. An eagle has been soaring proudly above us for half an hour. There is a suspicion that it's spying. Shot it down with an anti-aircraft slingshot. Just in case.
18:41. The Captain determined our coordinates by the position of the sun and a GPS device. Moving in the right direction, if the satellite photos aren't lying.
18:47. Entertained ourselves a bit to raise morale. Caught several tarantulas and held spider races. The winner was rewarded with a banana.
19:01. Caught a white man. When he settled under a bush, Ivanov and Petrov jumped on him from a palm tree and tied him up with bamboo. You can tell by his eyes—he knows something we need.
19:03. The specimen of the white man, unfortunately, proved to be uncommunicative. But the juicer quickly made him a sociable guy. Therefore, three people stenographed him. Everything was recorded—passwords, meeting points, and the boot size of their commander.
19:18. To prevent the "tongue" from running away, they tied him to the top of a palm tree in the platypus pose. Monkeys are already gathering under the palm; they'll be pecking at him.
19:40. Stopped for "a couple of sandwiches and tea." Ivanov climbed the palm to conduct aerial reconnaissance. Decided not to unpack the telescopic claws for climbing telegraph poles. Such scrap metal only hinders a ninja. Ivanov took an armored expedition-grade Polaroid, binoculars with a laser sight, and various popular trinkets the size of a small backpack.
19:49. The parrot settled behind a bush. Wanted to check the coin (what actually came up), but the parrot, seeing "something shiny," quickly pecked it up. Despite realizing its guilt and repenting, we promised to feed it a kilogram of purgative. As soon as we finish the job.
19:51. Ivanov climbed down from the tree, bringing several nuts with him. The Captain, taking the photos from Ivanov, sat down with Sidorov to plan the "invasion of Tatars on Mongols."
19:58. The Captain explained the goals and objectives in popular ninja slang. We admired the conciseness and accuracy of the formulations. Our task is to fall upon the enemy like a swarm of locusts, and then go along, across, and diagonally through their habitat.
20:07. Encountered a herd of scorpions. But didn't panic; instead, drove them into a spare backpack. We will use this biomass to intimidate the enemy.
20:30. Encountered a lion. Nothing scary, but it started roaring. So that it wouldn't scare away the enemy, we stuffed a gag made of American flags into its mouth, tied its paws and, placing it under a palm, covered it with burdock leaves so as not to be conspicuous. We could have also beaten its face in and explained the rules of conduct, but there's no time.
20:40. A military base of foreigners is visible. Just in case, dug in ten meters deep. Sent the parrot on aerial reconnaissance, having previously painted it in a camouflage color with watercolors.
20:54. The parrot returned. Impressions—a sea of them. Chatterbox so much that we have to limit the opening of its beak. While flying, it marked the most important targets, both mobile and stationary.
21:15. Prepared launch installations from catapults with digital program control. Sidorov is entering the enemy shelling program.
21:19. Had a glass of alcohol to raise morale. The remaining alcohol was used to soak flying torches made from trimmed lion's mane. To improve ballistic characteristics, a brick was screwed to each torch.
21:21. Relieved ourselves in unison. So that this good doesn't go to waste, we will catapult it too.
21:23. Distributed the nuts (which Ivanov picked) and scorpions among the catapults. Checked the sight setting by the tangent angle of inclination.
21:25. The Captain connected a black briefcase to the catapults and inserted the launch keys. There are four keys, so the Captain will turn them simultaneously with all four limbs.
21:27. By tradition, sat down for a moment before the journey and got the jitters for 35 seconds. Then the Captain gave us three parting kicks to the rear.
21:40. Crept on tiptoes right up to the fence of the enemy camp. Crept completely unnoticed since we camouflaged ourselves to match the color of the soil and vegetation, having rolled around well on the ground and covered ourselves in torn-out greenery. Eh, we really do love ninja surprises...
21:41. Ivanov gave the agreed signal—a fivefold cry of a marsh heron. So that the sentry wouldn't be alerted, Ivanov took him out with an accurately thrown can of stewed meat.
21:42. The Captain began shelling the enemy from catapults. Some of the tallest were mowed down by coconut nuts in the very first volley.
21:43. Petrov used a shuriken to saw through the support of the watchtower, so it suddenly fell, delighting three prisoners with an "Spanish collar." Lighting torches are scattered all over the camp and indignant scorpions are proudly strolling around. Near the foreigner's headquarters, a lion is roaring, waving its clawed paws. It accidentally sat in one of the catapults and suddenly flew into the camp. And it slammed down, raising a cloud of dust and knocking out its tail and jaw. Furthermore, during flight (out of surprise), it managed to soil everything it flew over.
21:44. Suddenly, a wild scream from their commander rang out—a brick fell right on his foot. And while he was hopping on one foot, a second brick fell on the other foot. And a scorpion clamped onto his nose, belligerently waving its free claw. In the stable, a riding mule bit a horse. The horse bucked in fright so hard that the mule, performing a double salto, crashed onto a jeep, flattening it like a pancake.
21:45. The enemy fell into a panic. All at once as a crowd. They look quite funny—like after a march-throw through a sewer.
21:48. And then we rushed inside like a swarm of karate centaurs. Sidorov threw shurikens in a fan, and Ivanov adapted a slingshot for launching boomerangs. Boomerangs with tracers beautifully decorate our "little party."
21:49. Three attacked Stepanov at once, but he quickly showed them the technique "Termination of Zmey Gorynych with a T-80 tractor wheel."
21:50. The parrot settled on the highest spot and comments on the course of events from there: "Ah, what an unexpected and magnificent hook! Extra teeth immediately went along Archimedes' spiral into a cardioid. Oh! An unobtrusive uppercut with the left boot to the ear—and the enemy does a butterfly with legs up..."
21:51. Petrov is tossing small bombs into buildings, and those trying to climb out are driven back in with a rail (I wonder where he got the rail from?).
21:53. So that the lion wouldn't interfere with its hysteria, we beat its tail and shaved it with a katana. Now the bald lion sits aside and howls at the moon. If you meet such one in the forest—consider your pants gone...
21:55. The Captain fought his way to the enemy commander and showed him the "mind-blowing dragon's tail" and "ostrich lays caviar." The foreigner only had time to say "Oops!" and played dead like a hose.
The rest is here
