Fun

Proof of American stupidity:

An American schoolboy's diary
September 14, 2006, 2:51 PM

Found by Chinese archaeologists in 2813 among the ruins of Washington.

April 3, 2005
My name is Michael Down. I live in the USA. This is a country that the Earth and the Sun revolve around. I even wrote an essay on this topic recently, and the teacher gave me the highest grade.
Today I woke up early. I immediately weighed myself in the morning. Hooray! I lost another 200 grams. And now my weight is only 145 kg. But a month ago it was 146! But my dad said that if I don't lose weight, girls won't want to date me. But actually, I prefer boys, because dating girls is so old-fashioned.
Then I had breakfast. My breakfast was a healthy one – oatmeal with skim milk and two toasted slices of bread with jam. As a light dessert, I ate 4 double cheeseburgers.
Breakfast was fun. My dad and I competed to see who could fart the loudest. I won. My dad now owes me 5 bucks. If he doesn't pay me by evening, I'll sue him.
My school is far from home – 500 meters away. Luckily, I have a car. So I got there in just an hour, there wasn't much traffic today. The lessons were boring. For example, in history, the teacher was talking nonsense about how Columbus discovered America. How do they even hire such people as teachers!? Elementary logic tells us that we, Americans, discovered America. That's why it's called America.
Geography was more interesting. There is so much interesting things happening in the world! For example, the teacher said that there is a country called Africa. Its capital, Egypt, has triangular skyscrapers inhabited by evil Russian mummies. And why do these Russians not leave us alone anywhere?
In the evening, I went to Leslie's party. There were about 40 of us. My friend Jim stole 2 bottles of beer from his father. We all got so drunk that we threw up in the pool.

April 7.
Today is a day off. I wanted to sleep longer, but my dad made me play baseball on the lawn in front of the house. At first, it was boring, but then I got into it. After all, it's so exciting to throw a ball back and forth from a distance of 3 meters for three hours. A wonderful and very intellectual sport!
After lunch, my dad made me watch President Bush's address on TV. We had a great time: we ate popcorn and listened to the president. He talked about how important it is for America to bomb everyone, because otherwise, these primitive peoples will not understand how much happiness our country brings them. I have always wondered why these fools get upset when we bomb them. After all, without this, they will never know the taste of Coca-Cola and hamburgers, and therefore, they will not build a democracy. God bless America – a country ready to make anyone happy. And if someone doesn't want to be happy, we can always make them.
After watching Bush's address, our whole family sang the American anthem for a long time and cried with the realization of our greatness and understanding of the divine mission that the Lord has entrusted to us.
During dinner, my dad and I again held a competition for the loudest fart. Our dog won. She did it so loudly that the frightened neighbors, shouting "The Russians are coming!", hid in the basement. We had to lure them out until late at night. Until I finally figured out to tell them that tomorrow there will be a sale in the nearest supermarket, and they can buy electric butt-scratchers for 10 cents cheaper than the usual price. They immediately ran out.

That's it, I've decided – I will definitely become a geographer. I want to study this wonderful science – geometry – just like they do. Today, our teacher held a wonderful lesson! He talked about a distant country called Russia. I already knew a lot about this wild state. For example, everyone knows that Russians are a mixture of a bear and a human, who eat alcohol and birch trees, live in the taiga in deep burrows, and on holidays, they set fire to the Kremlin and dance around it.
After the teacher's story, I probably know more about Russia than its inhabitants do. For example, this country has American reserves of oil and gas. When we need them, we will come for them. In addition, Russia has deposits of black and red caviar, as well as reserves of vodka and pancakes. The Russians waste these riches: they eat and drink them, depriving future generations of Americans. A real empire of evil!
After school, I went to a psychoanalyst. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice and teaches me how to live. Today, he taught me to flush the toilet after myself. And I thought, why does it always smell so bad in our toilet? I need to tell my family.
In the evening, I played Tetris. A killer action! On the third level, I was cut off. Then I browsed porn sites. It's so cool! Satisfied with the day and my right hand, I went to bed.

April 24.
Today in math, we learned to count to ten. It's a difficult science. Now it's clear why we only start studying it in high school. I got to 7. The teacher praised me. I praised him too.
Then there was physical education. While my friends were peeking at the girls in the shower, I was peeking at the PE teacher. I got so carried away that I didn't notice that everyone had already washed and started peeking at me.
During the big break, Bob brought his father's pistol and started shooting at the girls. What fun! The girls screamed, tried to run away, but Bob caught up with them and finished them off with a shot to the head. Then the police arrived, and Bob was taken away for some reason. But he was just having fun! We were immediately sent home.

May 8.
Today there was an unusual history lesson. The teacher told us how exactly 28 years ago, American troops took Berlin and defeated Germany. It turns out that in 1958, the bloody dictator Saddam Hussein, who at that time was in charge of Germany, attacked London and bombed its capital, Warsaw. The Germans on tanks and bicycles captured Paris, Brussels, Kyiv, and Birobidzhan. After the capture of Birobidzhan, the United States ran out of patience, and they entered the war. First, the Germans were bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. The Germans began to retreat. Then American troops surrounded Germany and with pinpoint strikes destroyed all of Berlin, raising the star-spangled banner over the Eiffel Tower. Saddam Hussein was caught in a suburb of Berlin, where he was hiding in the basement of a supermarket. The bloody dictator was tried and sent to hard labor on the island of Saint Helena. And all the peoples of the world in unison applauded the brave soldiers of the US army and threw flowers, fruits, and vegetables at them. This is how the Second World War ended, after which all bloody dictators realized that no one has ever escaped democracy alive.

May 11.
Today, after school, we went on an excursion to an art gallery. They found something to surprise us with: some kind of scribble, naked women. I've seen better things on the Internet. Jim joked and stuck chewing gum on some picture on the wall. And Leslie broke off a finger from a sculpture.
When our bus was already leaving, panic began in the gallery. Some old woman was running around and shouting: "It's worth a million and a half dollars!" Jim, Leslie, and I winked at each other, because this was our contribution to world culture. We acted like real Americans.
In the evening, my dad and I went to a hockey game. The first period started, and a puck flew straight into my forehead. I woke up in the hospital. The doctors were surprised: well, there wasn't even a concussion.