Posts from Fun Auto-translated

Found a cool picture here!

Blonde in the store: - Tell me, what's the difference between this phone and that phone? - The difference between this phone and that phone is that this one is an MP3 player, and that one is a camera... A knock at the door. The owner opens it. The neighbor from the floor below is standing in the doorway. He holds out a bag and says: - I brought you some oats. - Oats! Why? - It's for that beast that's always stomping around up there. The military recruitment office hid from Nikolai Valuev until he turned 27. I don't think it's a secret to anyone that all duties on a ship are strictly divided: lieutenant - must know everything and want to work; senior lieutenant - must be able to work independently; captain-lieutenant - must be able to organize work; captain 3rd rank - must know where and what is being done; captain 2nd rank - must be able to report where and what is being done; captain 1st rank - must be able to independently find the place in the documents where he needs to sign; admirals - must independently sign where they are told to; Chief of the Navy - must be able to clearly and concisely express his agreement with the opinion of the Minister of Defense; Minister of Defense - must be able to express in a sufficiently understandable form what the Supreme Commander-in-Chief wants to hear; Supreme Commander-in-Chief (president) - must periodically (but no less than once, preferably before the elections) inquire about what kind of army is currently located on the territory of his state. If it turns out that it's his own, he should try to pay it salaries for the past few years and promise to increase it (maybe later) by 10-15 percent

Nazg, and where do you find all this stuff?)))

A mountain of dirty dishes will quickly disappear if you drop a weight on it. A reminder for husbands: There should be so many clothes in your wife's closet that no lover can fit in there. If you put a Golden Fish on a frying pan, the number of wishes increases to fifty. If a teacher in school asks you a question that you don't know the answer to, it's best to say: "I won't answer you, Marya Ivanovna, because you're a four-eyed fool!" In this way, you will avoid answering, cleverly change the subject, take the initiative away from the teacher, and put her in an unfavorable position where she has to justify herself. In public transport, in the subway, in underground passages, you grab the dirty handrails with your hands. Some of the dirt gets on your hands. The more often you wash your hands and grab the handrails again, the cleaner our city will be. Hitting a child is inhumane and not educational. Hitting is only allowed in the most extreme case - for example, if the child doesn't listen to you the first time. Never ask anyone for anything. Just take it, and let them ask you. Don't stand where you shouldn't - you'll get hit again. If you always do only what you have always done, then you will only have what you have now. Don't buy bouillon cubes, you are being cruelly deceived. In fact, these are not cubes, but parallelepipeds! If you want to make yeast dough, but you don't have any yeast, then you won't get anything. Don't forget that in a family, everything should be equal: a new fur coat for the wife, socks for the husband. Oil paint stains will be less noticeable on your clothes if you don't wear them anymore. If your neighbor suddenly buys a rifle, you better give up music. A screw hammered in with a hammer holds better than a nail screwed in with a screwdriver. You can glue a radiator with pieces of fur from an old sheepskin coat, fur side out - and you will have a warm and fluffy pet. To find out if the borscht is salted, you need to dip two electrodes into it and pass a current (if a chlorine smell appears, the borscht is salted). ------------------- One philosopher experienced a great shock when he learned from Bertrand Russell that any statement follows from a false statement. He asked: "Do you really believe that the statement 'two plus two equals five' implies that you are the Pope?" Russell replied in the affirmative. "And can you prove it?" the philosopher continued to doubt. "Of course!" came the confident answer, and Russell immediately offered the following proof: 1) Let's assume that 2+2=5. 2) Subtract two from both sides: 2=3. 3) Subtract one from both sides: 1=2. The Pope and I are two people. Since 2=1, the Pope and I are the same person. Therefore, I am the Pope.

Examples of explanatory notes written by employees who were late for work.

***
Yesterday evening, our entrance was painted with bad paint. I left my apartment and my right foot got stuck. I pried my right foot loose, then my left foot got stuck. Then a neighbor came out, and while I was prying her loose, I was 15 minutes late.
***
I was late for work because of a healthy lifestyle! I left for work earlier, but because I didn't have any cigarettes, I got hit hard. I went to the infirmary, but it was closed. Then I bought a bottle of vodka and started rinsing the wound. That's why I smell like alcohol, my face is bruised, and my slurred speech and impaired coordination are the result of a concussion! I wasn't drinking, I swear.
***
I was three hours late because after yesterday's corporate party, in your honor, by the way, I came to my senses on a bench in a park in the city of Tver.
I don't know how I got there.
***
I, Sergei Ivanov, was late for work due to Mosgortrans. An emergency occurred on the trolleybus I was riding. The driver was probably drunk and his horns fell off. He didn't admit for a long time that his horns had fallen off and said that we would be leaving soon. And since he was drunk, he couldn't pick them up. Then he finally admitted that the horns had fallen off, but a lot of time had passed. Then I walked three stops to work because the trolleybuses weren't running.
***
I come to work later and later because in the mornings I run in the stadium with my dog, and we watch the sunrise, and the sun rises later and later. This will continue until December 22. After that, I will commit to coming to work earlier and earlier.
***
In the morning, as usual, I got dressed and was about to leave the house.
I stepped over the bed and got tangled with a girl, and in order to get free, I had to undress again. This procedure took some time, as a result of which I was late for work.
***
I (full name) was three hours late for work because I didn't have money for the tram, and I got lost and couldn't find your street. I didn't come in work clothes because I don't have any other, but I will soon!

Little Moishe comes home from school, approaches his mother, and says: "Mom, Mom, today at school, I wrote in the "Nationality" field that I am Russian!" "Son, what did you eat for lunch every day?" "Chicken." "Well, now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe was upset and went to his father, hoping he would approve. He approaches his father: "Dad, Dad, today at school, I wrote in the "Nationality" field that I am Russian!" "Son, what did you ride to school every day?" "In Dad's car!" "Well, now you will ride the tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, completely upset, approaches his grandfather, hoping he might approve: "Grandpa, Grandpa, today at school, I wrote in the "Nationality" field that I am Russian!" "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get every day for school?" "A hundred rubles, Grandpa!" "Well, now you will get one ruble, like all Russian children." Moishe is completely upset and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone is eating chicken and exchanging glances. Moishe is eating potatoes. Then, his mother asks Moishe: "Well, son, how do you like being Russian?" "Damn it... I've only been Russian for a couple of hours, and I already hate you Jews!!!" Vovochka runs home from school. "Oh, what happened, what happened! The shop teacher was walking down the hallway, carrying a can of glue, tripped, spilled the glue, slipped, fell on the glue, and got stuck to the floor!" "Well, did you peel her off the floor?" "We did, we did! The braver ones even did it twice!"

-This is the most magnificent spectacle I have witnessed in 100 million years, oh, great Volka. Even Sheikh Ibn Fazil didn't have anything like this. What is it, oh, incomparable Volka!
- It's Hottabych's porn.

A shipwreck occurred. Only one beautiful, young woman managed to survive. Swimming to a nearby island, she fainted and fell onto the sand. Then two natives, a father and son, approached. The father examines the woman thoughtfully, and the son urges him:
-Let's eat her, look how appetizing she is!
After thinking for a moment, the father says:
-No, son! We'll take her home with us and eat Mom!!!

A golden wedding anniversary. The husband asks his wife:
-Darling! Were you unfaithful to me?
-Three times.
-When was the first time?
-Remember, when no one at the bank wanted to give you a loan. And then the bank director himself signed it and personally handed you the receipt!
-Thank you, darling! And when was the second time you were unfaithful to me?
-When no one wanted to perform your operation. And then Dr. Seversky himself took the scalpel in his hands!
-Thank you, darling! You saved my life! And who did you have an affair with the third time?
-Remember, when you ran for deputy in our district and you were short 49 votes?...

It seems like there was already something about Khottabych... But the rest was great!

It seems like there was already something about Hottabych... But the rest was enjoyable.

Well, I don't know, I didn't read all 16 pages.

-Do you have thin, dry hair and split ends?
-Yes.
-Please hold the line.

When the Matryoshka doll was opened, 7 more bodies were found.

Poor family. A father and son are sitting, eating potatoes. The son reaches for a potato and accidentally knocks over a bottle of vodka, it wobbles but doesn't fall. The son (laughing):
- Dad, look, the bottle was just on the verge of falling.
Father:
- So are you.

A sad Georgian is standing in a field with a boomerang. Another man approaches him and asks:
- Givi, what is that?
- I don't know.
- And what do you need it for?
- I don't need it...
- Well, throw it away!
- Okay! Throw it away yourself!!!

The daughter of a newly rich Russian man comes to her father and says: - I've found a husband! - Bring him here, I'll chat with him. But don't eavesdrop! A minute later, a monk enters and says: - I'm your daughter's husband, and I want to marry her! And the newly rich Russian man says to him: - But do you understand that you've ended up with such a girl! She needs expensive perfumes and all that! - Well, God will provide! - She also needs expensive cars, trips abroad, and so on! - God will provide! - Well, alright, go! The monk leaves, and the daughter enters. - So, Dad, what do you think of him? - He's a loser, but I like that he calls me GOD... Two Chukchi are walking along the shore of the White Sea. One: - Wow! I found 10 bucks! - Good for you... You idiot, why did you throw them away? - They were fake! - Why?? - Well, have you ever seen a ten-dollar bill with two zeros on it!? A man had five children. Four of them looked like him, and the fifth one didn't look like him at all. And so, the time came for the man to die. He's lying there, barely breathing, and he asks his wife: - Well, tell me the truth, is this son of mine or not? And his wife replies: - This one is yours, the rest aren't. In class. The topic is survival: - Children, what would you take with you to a deserted island to make yourselves comfortable? Petya: - I would take a handful of grain to ensure I have bread forever! Tolya: - And I would take a rifle and fishing gear to get fish and meat! Vasya: - I would take a girlfriend and a grapevine to organize wine production, so there's always something to drink and have fun. - And what about you, Vovochka? - I would take Petya, Tolya, and Vasya with me!

Two grandmothers are sitting in the front seats. The minibus is almost full. A young man gets on at a stop. He gives the driver 10 rubles for the fare and receives 1 ruble in change. The ruble slips out of his hand and falls under the grandmothers' seats. The young man bends down, tries to find the change, and unexpectedly farts. There is quiet laughter and giggling in the minibus. And one of the grandmothers says to the other: "And was it worth tearing your ass apart for a ruble?" The minibus erupts in laughter. The young man turns crimson and asks the driver to stop the minibus. A minute later, a well-dressed woman gets on. The minibus continues to laugh. The woman starts to nervously look around. Maybe they are laughing at her? Then the grandmothers, rolling with laughter, begin to tell the woman the story about the ruble. The woman also starts to laugh, and then a booger flies out of her nose and lands on the grandmothers... The woman asks the driver to stop the minibus. They continue on, laughing. The driver is also laughing along with everyone else; he takes out cigarettes, lights one, and opens the hatch above his head. As he releases the smoke into the hatch, he turns to the grandmothers: "Are you feeling a draft up there, you little shits?" The cabin erupts in another wave of laughter. The driver, realizing what he said, jumps out of the cabin, dancing and laughing hysterically. The same minibus, 20 minutes later. The minibus is heading to its final stop, "Sugar Village." Everyone is seated, and all the seats are taken... The driver starts the engine... Then, at the door... it opens, and there's a grandmother... and she immediately asks the driver: "Dear, is this the stop for Sugar Village?" A light giggle spreads through the minibus... Without hesitation, the driver replies: "I don't know, I haven't tried it!" The minibus bursts into open laughter! The grandmother, with a sharp look, surveys the cabin and realizes that there are no free seats... and, handing 10 rubles to the driver, she says: "Take me standing!" The driver jumps out of the cabin into a snowdrift and shakes in a hysterical fit.

-I'm a purple, ripe, garden plum!
-And I'm an apricot, grown in the south!
-And I'm a tomato!
-Together, we're a fruit garden!
A girl runs in:
-There aren't any fruits here, drink "My Family" juice!
-Girl, how many times do I have to repeat it? "And I'm a fairy without a...", drink "My Family" juice. She runs in again:
-And I'm a fairy without a..., drink "My Family" juice!
-Girl, not without a..., just - a fairy!
She runs in again:
-And I'm just without a..., drink "My Family" juice.

Great Britain. Court record 12659.
A woman, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus.
She noticed that the man across from her was looking at her and smiling.
She immediately moved to another seat.
The man smiled wider, and the woman moved again.
The man grinned from ear to ear.
When the woman moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing loudly in the bus.
She complained to the driver, and the man was arrested.
The case was sent to court.
The judge asked the man (about twenty years old),
what he had to say in his defense.

"Well, Your Honor, it was like this: when the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under an advertisement that said, 'Double Mint Twins are on the way,' and I smiled.

Then she moved to a seat under a sign that said, 'Slogan Balm will reduce swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she moved to a seat under a sign that said,
'William's Big Stick did the trick,'
and I could barely contain myself.

But when she moved for the fourth time and ended up under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I lost it.

Judge: - ACQUITTED!

New version of Tetris

About weapons. Once, while working at the "Watch" (presumably a game-related task), I had to review the names of Russian weaponry. And I saw several remarkable items there:
The "Argument" club. A very fitting name!
But what really impressed me was the "Azart" shovel! You have to be quite the wit to name a shovel like that...

- Hello, is this a psychiatric hospital?
- Yes.
- My car was stolen, help me find the thief.
- This is not something we can help with; call the police.
- You see, a "Zaporozhets" from 1986 was stolen.

Two guys were drinking at one of their homes. Suddenly, the guest notices two chains hanging from the ceiling, with a log attached to them, and asks:
- What is that?
- Those are talking clocks.
- I don't understand, explain.
So, the guy takes the log, swings it, and smashes it against the wall like a battering ram. Then, a torrent of curses erupts from behind the wall:
- What the hell are you doing? It's already two in the morning!

A Customer (C) comes to a computer store and explains:
C: - Do you offer diagnostics?
My friend (F): - Yes, what's the problem?
C: - My Windows is loading, it shows an error, and then it reboots.
F: - Just reinstall Windows.
C: - What do you mean, reinstall?
F: - Install a new one.
C: - And what should I do with the old one?

From real life.
At a literary evening in one institute, a young poet, overcome with excitement, recited the first line of her poem almost in one breath. She couldn't say anything else because the audience burst out laughing. The line was supposed to be:
- Chop off the wicked head...