Posts from Fun Auto-translated

Community Creation::D

Here are a couple of jokes from the Marked One: So, a young stalker is walking through the Zone. He sees a Grove, and as he approaches, his Geiger counter starts clicking... He sees another guy walking by. He approaches him and says: "Hey, I'd like to go around this Grove, and I see you're an experienced stalker..." "Sure, let's go..." So, they walk, and the young guy is kind of admiring the experienced stalker, thinking how easy it is for him, like he's walking through a park, and he doesn't even have a weapon... And the older guy asks, "Why do you need a weapon?" "Well, how else will I deal with the monsters? Even the Controllers are a threat!" The older guy turns to him and says angrily: "No, it's okay about zombies or vampires, but why call us Controllers monsters?" A new Russian guy comes to a familiar stalker and says: "Hey, brother, bring me an artifact... like a golden fish. All my buddies have one, and I don't, so I feel like a loser." The stalker replies: "But it's radioactive!" And the Russian guy says: "Radioactive, not radioactive, am I going to stuff it in my pants?" Two old stalkers are sitting by the river, chatting, and one says to the other: "It's all nonsense, there's no radiation! I've been a stalker in the Zone for 20 years, and I'm fine!" The other replies: "Yeah, that's true... but the fur on my fins started falling out prematurely." So, the Black Stalker appears in the Zone. He comes to the camp at night and walks around... sometimes he sticks his hand into a tent and says in a hoarse voice: "Wooooodaaaa! I want some wooooodaaaa!" And if you don't give it to him, or if you try to push him away, you're done for. And one day, at the camp, one guy decides to scare his friends. He silently crawls out of his tent, quietly approaches the neighboring tent, sticks his hand inside, and says in a hoarse voice: "Wooooodaaaa!" And a hand grabs him by the throat from inside the tent: "And what do *you* need my water for?" An old and a young "Duty" member are walking through the Zone, and the old one says to the young one: "Now, be quiet, let's go to that tree!" The young one tiptoes, crawls, then suddenly stops, stands by the tree, and waves his hands, as if asking, "What now?" And the old one shouts happily: "They're lying! They're lying, that there's an anomaly here!" There's a notice posted at the "Duty" base: "Tomorrow, at 9:00 AM, there will be an expedition into the Zone to hunt mutants and collect artifacts. All enthusiasts are welcome to meet at the entrance to the base. Bring 2 bottles each."

Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet are standing at the edge of the forest. Pooh: - Where did this damn donkey come from? Piglet: - Yes, yes. This damn donkey! Pooh: - I'd send this lousy ass to hell as quickly as I'd send him after grass! Piglet: - Yes, yes! Lousy ass! Eeyore appears from behind the trees with a bag of marijuana. Piglet: - Ah, you damn, vile, donkey-like creature... Piglet flies to the ground from the terrible blow. Piglet: - Why, Winnie? Pooh: - Is this how you talk to your friends? The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, chewing gum and blowing bubbles... -Hello... -Marin, hi. -Hi, Alyosha. -Maybe we can meet today. Candy, champagne, the whole shebang... -No, I really want to sleep. I was shopping with my friends today, then a manicure, a pedicure, I bought such a dress... you know, a pink one... -So, maybe you can show it to me? Maybe I can come over after all? -Nooo... -Okay, then. The girl carelessly hangs up the phone, chewing gum. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, chewing gum and blowing bubbles... -Hello... -Masha? -Marina. -Who? -Ma-ri-na. -What the... -What? -What the... -Idiot. The girl slams the phone down. 3-minute pause. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, chewing gum and blowing bubbles... -Hello... -Marina? -Marina. Who is this? -It's Pavlik. -Which Pavlik? -Morozov. -Where did we meet? I don't really remember. -I turned you in to your dad. -Who? -Dad. He was hiding bags of flour from the requisition squad. -What? -What the... -Idiot! The girl angrily throws the phone down. 3-minute pause. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, chewing gum and blowing bubbles... -Hello... -Anna? -What Anna? -Karenina. -What Karenina? -Oh, is that Marina? -Yes, Marina, who is this? -A well-wisher. Tell Anna not to jump in front of the train. They're late anyway. -What? -What the... -If you call one more time, you'll regret it, got it? Without waiting for an answer, the girl, as red as a tomato, throws the phone down. 3-minute pause. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, not chewing gum and not blowing bubbles... -What? I said, don't call, you idiot! -Marina? -Oh, yes... -What's wrong? -Some idiot is calling... -Oh, okay. Tell Rodion not to pick up the axe. -Which Rodion? -Raskolnikov. -Who is that? -Alena Ivanovna. -What? -What the... -You bastard, you castrated, freaky piece of shit, get the hell out of here, you understand? -Marina? -Bullshit! The girl throws the phone down with incredible rage. 3-minute pause. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, not chewing gum and not blowing bubbles... -(Sharply) Hello! -Kh...ina? The phone is already on the floor. 3-minute pause. The phone rings. A girl approaches the phone, not chewing gum and not blowing bubbles... -Yes! (ready to hang up) -Marinochka? -Oh, Alyoshenka, I'm so glad it's you... -You seem upset, maybe we should meet up? Have some champagne, it'll make you feel better. And you can tell me... -Yes, Alyosha, come over. The girl hangs up the phone, exhaling and wiping her forehead. Alyosha gives a 20 to his friend. -Thanks. I thought I wouldn't be able to get laid today. -You're welcome. Always happy to help. Say hi to her from a well-wisher.

An interesting way to unclog a blocked toilet (based on the experience of plumbers). So, the toilet is clogged. The water isn't draining. Take a newspaper, unfold it, and place it on the toilet. Moisten the areas where the newspaper touches the porcelain. Take the largest pillow in the house, go into the bathroom, hold the pillow with both hands, SWING, and BAM! hit the toilet. They say that the neighbors upstairs have their toilet contents popping out onto the floor.

In America, they invented a computer that can predict the future and showed it to Bush. He asks the computer: - When will the Third World War be? - In 2023. - And how much will a

http://www.prazdnik77.ru/yahoo/fun/drugs/ - something about pills:D:D:D

The Great Patriotic War... The forests of Belarus... Two partisans surrounded by Nazis... The first partisan says: "Do whatever you want, but hold off the Germans, and I'll go get reinforcements – here's your last grenade and helmet..." Two hours pass – the first partisan returns with reinforcements and looks through his binoculars: a crowd of Germans surrounds the second partisan, and he says to them: "One last time, you stupid Nazis. Here are two helmets, here's a grenade: I'll spin them around, and you guess which helmet the grenade is in! :)" A girl from an intellectual family enters an institute in another city. A month later, her mother calls: "My dear, how are you doing? They say your students drink, smoke, use drugs, have casual sex, and join religious sects." The daughter, surprised: "RELIGIOUS SECTS?? :)" A guard is on duty. A major approaches: "Name?" "Private Petrov!" "How many people are in the company?" "Seventy!" "And in the battalion?" "Two hundred and fifty!" "And why are you revealing military secrets? What if I'm a spy?" A gunshot. The soldier: "Look at that jerk! :)" A veterinarian teaches his assistant how to give a horse a laxative: "Take this tube, insert it halfway into its mouth, place a purgative tablet, and blow..." Understand? Go do it..." An hour later, the assistant appears, staggering. "Well, did you do it?" "I didn't have time – the horse blew first..." :) :D :D :D

Follow the link and click repeatedly on the hand or the image)):D
http://pers.ru/cgi-bin/play.cgi?game=20001481

You can’t do that! You could hurt yourself. Dr. Van – respect!

A student, just over 20 years old, was hit by a bus and killed. He woke up in the afterlife. In the chair opposite him, he saw someone who looked like a person, but was glowing with a red light from within.
- Where am I?
- You're in hell, son. But don't be afraid, it's actually much better here than they describe it on Earth. Did you smoke in your life?
The student lowers his eyes:
- Yes, I smoked...
- Well, then Mondays will be a holiday for you. It's our smoking day. The selection is huge: from chewing tobacco and pipes to expensive cigars and hookahs. We smoke all day, until late at night. And who cares about asthma and cancer – you're already dead! Did you like to drink?
The student lowers his head:
- Not without it...
- Oh! Then get ready for Tuesdays! We drink all day, from morning until night – from beer and light wines to the strongest drinks: alcohol and moonshine! And who cares about your liver – you're already dead! What about drugs?
The student blushes:
- Yes, sometimes!
- Well, then you'll have fun on Wednesdays! We have a drug day: from the lightest to heroin and heavy synthetics. Want to smoke, want to inject – and don't be afraid of withdrawal, overdose, or the police – you're already dead! And what about women?
The student perks up:
- Of course!
- Then you'll have a blast on Thursdays! The thing is, there are 10 times more women in hell than men, and you'll have a super choice! And don't even think about syphilis – you're already dead! And were you gay?
The student jumps up:
- No, what are you talking about!
- M-yes... Then Fridays will be a real hell for you!:smile51:
:D :D :D

A mat championship is being held. An American, an Englishman, and a Russian are participating. The host addresses the American: - You go into this barrel, we close it, and you have 1 minute. Time starts now. The American says: - Fuck, fucking shit, fucking mother, and the time is up. The Englishman goes in: - Fuck my dick, fuck off, and the time is up. The Russian goes in, and it's dark in the barrel: - Damn it, you son of a bitch, where is this thing, I'll fuck you up right now, you bastard, I'll fuck you in all your holes with a huge dick. Suddenly, the Russian comes out and says: - Well, can we start now? The stunned host asks: - What were you doing in there? - Oh, my shoelace came undone, and I was trying to tie it! Links (Read the website names!!!!!! http://www.mudila.ee !!!!!:smile29: http://www.mudila.ee - website of an Estonian kindergarten http://www.ebi.ee - website of the Estonian Institute of Experimental Biology (website email: [email protected] ) http://www.anus.com - website of the American Association of Nihilists http://www.ssu.ru - representative office of StroySvyazUral LLC http://www.urka.ru - website of the Udmurt Republican Bar Association http://www.dermo.com - company producing chemical reagents http://www.minet.net - French telecommunications company http://www.neher.de - German company producing mosquito nets http://www.Jopa.com - Japanese landscape company http://www.ebun.com - Nigerian company, major cocoa supplier http://www.eblo.com - educational company http://www.sraka.com - Slovenian information portal http://www.suki.net - Japanese website about network technologies http://www.suka.org - website of a charitable organization http://www.huy.be - website of a Belgian city http://www.urod.org - website of an Italian musician http://www.chmo.com - website of a company developing microcomputers http://www.mocha.org - website of a children's art museum http://www.mudocollection.com.tr - collection of fashionable clothing from Turkey http://www.perdoplastic.nl - website of a Dutch company producing plastic products http://www.antikal.de - German company selling household chemicals http://www.zalup.com.pl - Polish company offering advanced cleaning methods. http://www.nassal.com - American company, manufacturer of entertainment facilities http://www.sru.edu - university in Pennsylvania http://www.nahal.com - American trading company (They really exist!) =)) :D :D :D :D :D

Van, you're amazing!!! :D :D :D You made me laugh! :) Well done! Respect! :D :smile23:

Socks' condition levels: 1. You throw the socks, and they stick to the wall. 2. You can't wear the sock from your right foot on your left foot. 3. The socks are standing next to the sneakers. 4. You can take off the socks before taking off the sneakers. 5. There are no socks left – only the smell remains. P.S. A neutral smell is just a stench that doesn't resemble anything. Quotes from Russian Radio: 1. "Three little pigs" cocktail – a bottle of vodka and 2 friends. 2. Let's join NATO! It's good for them, and it's good for us. 3. Not everything that rises is the sun. 4. To ensure that words don't contradict actions, you need to be silent and do nothing. 5. Yesterday, I saw your parents – great guys. 6. If the photo is small and the picture is scary, then it's a passport. 7. I wonder who decides that dog food has become even tastier? 8. If a girl gives up her seat for you on the bus, there's no point in courting her. 9. It's not difficult to seduce another man's wife; it's difficult to get her back. 10. Don't tell me what to do, and I won't tell you where to go. 11. If my father were bolder, I would be 3 years older. 12. Love your grandchildren; they will take revenge on your children. 13. We live according to the rules, and the rules say we can do anything. 14. My only wish for the groom is that he be kind, gentle, and humane... a banker. 15. She held a raven's member in her mouth, and the raven died of passion. 16. I can recognize a drug dealer by his gait. 17. I finally met a woman – beautiful and smart. What a fool she is. 18. With our legs, we can only walk on our hands. 19. A person spends one-third of his life in bed, and the other two-thirds trying to get someone into that bed. 20. A girl without education is looking for a job in her specialty. 21. I don't drink and drive, well, except maybe just to take it for a spin. 22. On our trawler, the crew is purely male and tough, so weddings on board are rare. 23. Russian profanity is the official language of the World Cup. 24. It's easy to hurt a man's feelings, especially in the morning. 25. An atypical hangover is when you feel like dancing in the morning. 26. I recently had an operation on my appendix – now it can see. 27. I'm telling you, "come tomorrow," and you keep coming today. 28. Well, is it time to give gifts? Each bunny gets a squirrel, and each boy gets a girl. 29. This isn't a salary; it's compensation for emotional distress. 30. Made a lot of money – go spend it on girls. 31. The next injection into the economy turned out to be an enema. 32. If you're not afraid of anyone, then you are the scariest. 33. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 34. There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes. 35. Our laws are rigid, but their enforcement is flimsy. 36. The curves should be in the convolutions, not in the hands. 37. If you can't find a partner, marry one. 38. I used to have a smooth face and a wrinkled skirt, but now it's the other way around. 39. I'm getting married soon – talk me out of it; I guarantee a reward. 40. The more I learn about customs officers, the more I like traffic cops. 41. A good bricklayer always lays bricks with care. Http://yandex.ru/ Click on the "About the company" link at the bottom. Find the "Partners" column. Look to the right of it. Press Ctrl+A (or highlight this empty space on the page with the mouse)

LAST WORDS...
... of an aerobus crew: "A light started blinking—whatever, screw it."
... of a painter: "Of course the scaffolding will hold!"
... of an astronaut: "No, everything's fine! I have enough air for another 15 minutes."
... of a nuclear physicist: "Critical mass isn't a critical period; it's a fixable issue..."
... of a fugitive convict: "Now we've got the rope secured properly."
... of a driver: "If this pig doesn't switch to low beams, I'm not switching a damn thing!"
... of a drunk driver: "Damn pole! Is it ever going to get out of the road or what!"
... of an auto mechanic: "Lower the platform just a bit..."
... of an excavator operator: "What cylinder did we just scrape? Let's take a look..."
... of a driver's wife: "Go on, it's clear on the right!"
... of a mountaineering instructor: "For goodness sake! For the fifth time: this is how you tie a truly reliable knot..."
... of a biologist: "We know this snake. Its venom isn't dangerous to humans."
... of a bomb disposal expert: "That's it. Definitely red. Cut the red one!"
... of a bomber pilot over enemy territory: "Wow! What a firework!"
... of a pizza delivery guy: "You have a lovely dog..."
... of a bungee jumper: "Beautiful:::.!!!"
... of a chemist: "And what if we heat this up just a little bit:?"
... of a chemistry teacher: "Children! This experiment is completely safe!"
... of a chemistry student: "Professor, believe me, this is a truly interesting reac..."
... of an amateur PC builder: "So, the salesman assured me that the two cards would get along."
... of a computer: "Are you sure?! [Y/N]"
... of a roofer: "Not a breeze today..."
... of a detective: "Simple case: the killer is you!"
... of a diabetic: "Was that sugar?"
... of an electric guitarist: "Pour me some more juice."
... of a wife: "My husband will only be back in the morning:"
... of a husband: "Now... honey... you aren't the jealous type:"
... of a night burglar: "Let's get out of here. Their Doberman's chain doesn't reach this far."
... of an inventor: "Now, let us proceed to the tests..."
... of a driving instructor: "Good, now try it on your own:"
... of a driving examiner: "Park here, on the embankment!"
... of a parachutist: "@DAMN MOTH!!!"
... of a platoon commander: "There isn't a living soul within a 10-kilometer radius here..."
... of a butcher: "Leh, toss me that knife over there!"
... of a crew commander: "In a few minutes, we will land according to schedule."
... of a pedestrian: "But I have the green light!"
... of a restaurant patron: "I'll have the mushroom julienne."
... of a bailiff: "... the gun is also confiscated!"
... of a track worker: "Don't worry, this train will pass on the neighboring track!"
... of a cheetah hunter: "Hmm, it's approaching quite fast..."
... of a recruit with a frag grenade: "Up to what number, you said, should I count?"
... of a hero: "What help!? There are only three of them..."
... of an executioner: "Noose too tight? No problem, I'll check it now..."
... of an old maid (very old): "Oooooh! Noooo! Oooooooooooogh!!!"
... of a diner owner: "Did you enjoy it?"
... of a truck driver: "These old bridges will last an eternity!"
... of two lion tamers: "What? I thought YOU fed them!?!"
... of an "Oka" driver: "I'll slip through here in two seconds, piece of cake!"
... of a factory cafeteria cook: "Suspiciously quiet in the dining hall..."
... of a night watchman: "Hey, who's there?"
... of a car enthusiast: "I'll stop by tomorrow to check the brakes..."
... of a policeman: "Six shots, he spent all his ammo..."
... of the president's son: "Dad, what's this red button for?"
... of a cyclist: "Okay, this Volga is yielding to us..."
... of a race car driver: "I wonder if the mechanic has sniffed out that I'm with his little wife yet:?"
... of a photojournalist: "This will be a sensational shot!"
... of a track and field coach: "Everyone throw spears in this direction at once!"
... of a student: "I'm going to the cafeteria!"
... of a Christmas goose: "Oh, holy birth..."
... of Tarzan: "What bastard crapped on the vine!"
... of a tennis player in doubles: "Mine!!!"
... of a gatekeeper: "Over my dead body..."
... of a vacationer: "One to Miami, please!"
... of a whaler: "Right, now he's on the hook!"
... of a submarine captain: "We need to air this place out immediately!"

...an old maid (very old): "Ooooo! Noooo! Ooooooooooooooh!!!"

That's powerful!

Ван!:D :D :D :D :D :smile40: :smile20:
:smile23: