Posts from Fun

In the morning, the wife says to her husband:
- Honey, I forgot to tell you. They called you to school. Vovochka broke another window.
- How many windows are there in that school, damn it?

***

When Vovochka was asked if he could name the five happiest years of his life, he replied:
- Of course, it was when I was in the first grade!

***

Vovochka comes home and tells his father:
- Dad, there's a small parent-teacher meeting scheduled for today.
- What does "small" mean?
- It means they invited you, me, and the principal.

***

Mom comes to pick up Vovochka from kindergarten.
She goes up to the first floor - there's a sign: "Good children." Mom looks inside and doesn't find Vovochka. A little embarrassed, she goes up to the second floor, looks - there's a sign: "Bad children." Mom is already a bit upset, looks inside, and to her surprise, she doesn't find Vovochka...
Mom, quite distressed, goes up to the third floor - "Very, very bad children." Already resigned, she looks inside... and there she doesn't find her beloved.
Completely dejected, Mom goes up to the last floor and sees a sign: "Vovochka."

***

Vovochka comes home, and his father asks him:
- What did you do in chemistry class?
- I was blowing up explosives.
- And what was the homework?
- We didn't have time!

The Mounted unit – well, you didn't really surprise me. Although, at 13, it might be a bit harsh... Here's a joke that everyone, regardless of gender, agrees with. It's a bit long, but read it, you won't regret it. A "Love Store" opened in the city. It has two sections, one for men and one for women. There's a sign at the entrance: "Our store has 5 floors. Everything is free. The higher you go, the more you won't be able to go back down." A woman goes up to the first floor. The sign says: "Here are rich men." The woman likes it, but she decides to go up to the second floor. On the second floor, the sign says: "Here are rich and intelligent men." The woman likes it even more, but she goes up to the third floor. On the third floor, the sign says: "Here are rich, intelligent, and handsome men." The woman is about to choose one, but she decides to go even higher. On the fourth floor, the sign says: "Here are rich, intelligent, handsome men who love children." The woman wants to leave with one of them, but she decides to see what's on the fifth floor, maybe there's something even better. On the fifth floor, the inscription says: "You have reached the fifth floor. There are no men here. This floor was created to show that women's desires can never be fully satisfied." A man goes up to the first floor. The sign says: "Here are beautiful women." He goes up to the second floor: "Here are rich and beautiful women." He goes up to the third floor: "Here are rich and beautiful women with large breasts." No one knows what's on the upper floors because no one has ever gone up there. :D :cool:

Midnight. The morgue. Orderlies are sitting in the back room, drinking government-issued alcohol... A student is on duty in the autopsy room.
Suddenly, he bursts into the back room, his face pale:
- There... There...
The worried orderlies:
- What?!
- There... the corpse... CAME BACK TO LIFE!!!
- Oh, crap! We were already scared – we thought it was the chief physician coming for an inspection...

Based on contemporary Russian pop music, the Vatican predicted
that the arrival of the Antichrist is expected on the seventh or eighth "Factory" (referring to a reality TV show).

They decided to execute the meteorologists for the fact that none of their forecasts came true, and brought them to the square. The crowd expresses complete approval.
Drumroll.
And suddenly, a man from the crowd shouts:
- Wait! Don't shoot them! They can still be useful to people!
The chief judge (doubtfully):
- Do you think so? And what do you suggest?
- I suggest hanging them! At least they can show which way the wind is blowing!

A proctologist has his hand stuck inside a patient.
He and the patient struggle to get to the traumatologist's office.
The traumatologist: This is a hospital, not a puppet theater! :D :D :D

A Georgian, a Jew, and a Ukrainian are sitting in prison. A package arrives for the Georgian – it contains lard. He thinks: I’ll give it to the Jew, and then I’ll mess with him for it. - Jew, do you want some lard? The Jew thinks: Okay, I’ll eat the lard, and then he’ll… - No, I don’t need your lard. The Georgian to the Ukrainian: - Ukrainian, do you want some lard? The Ukrainian thinks: I’ll eat the lard, and then he’ll… However, if I eat the lard, I’ll get stronger, and maybe I can fight back.

Here's another one I found today.

The heroes.smx.ru website has resumed working on humorous images about Star Wars:D

http://vad.spb.ru/cool/pic/hitler/?12:D

http://vad.spb.ru/cool/pic/hitler/?12:D

Dude, does the link work?

Many know this phrase: a drop of nicotine kills a horse, and a hamster is torn to pieces. But few know the continuation of this gruesome story:

- A drop of cannabinoid makes the horse giggle, and the hamster is torn to pieces again (but this time from laughter).
- A drop of cocaine unlocks the horse's creative potential, and the hamster starts to feel incredibly cool.
- A drop of heroin boosts the horse's self-esteem, and the hamster feels even cooler.
- A drop of ketamine will give the horse four hours of healthy, peaceful sleep, and the hamster will be out of it for a couple of days.
- A drop of amphetamine will allow the horse to concentrate, and the hamster will become paranoid and agitated.
- A drop of tryptamine will give the horse some colorful hallucinations and a slight bad trip afterward, and the hamster will start growing horns, flowers, and other colorful stuff from its head. For about eight hours.
- A drop of mescaline will shift the horse's point of assembly, and the hamster will turn into a Shai-Hulud. A dwarf one.
- A drop of lysergic acid will open the path to the Matrix for the horse, and for the hamster, it will close the doors to the real world.

Many know this phrase: a drop of nicotine kills a horse, and a hamster is torn to pieces. But few know the continuation of this gruesome story:

I would give a 10x reputation boost for this. :smile49: :smile49: :smile49: Awesome!! :smile12: :smile12:

Evening. Mud. Slush.
A glum line of captured Red-Army-men shuffles before Nestor Makhno's tachanka.
Batka polishes his nails with a diamond file and commands his brave lads:

- Shoot this one! (Shot, scream, sound of a falling body.)

- And shoot this one too. (Shot, scream...)

- Hang this one.

- Shoot this one.

Hearing the sentence, another Red-Army-man falls to the ground and begins to thrash in hysteria, screaming: "No, no!!! I don't want to, please don't!!!"

- Opa! Leave this one alone. He doesn't want to.

Writing on a car "I am an unskilled driver trying to drive fast in a car that can't even brake properly" is long and inconvenient.
They write it simpler: "Street Racer".

A man wakes up after a terrible binge with girls, walks up to the mirror, and sees a string hanging from his mouth; he begins to slowly pull it out, whispering "as long as it's Lipton...."

New virus - "bum"! It just rummages through the Recycle Bin...

Cthulhu, Putin, and Ksenia Sobchak arrived at the factory that produces Giant Humanoid Robots. They were greeted by the factory administration, led by Medved:
- Privet!
- Privet-e-e-e-et! - Ksenia Sobchak cheerfully cackled.
Putin pushed Ksenia aside and kissed Medved on the belly.
Cthulhu stood nearby, thoughtfully waving his tentacles. He really wanted to wake up.

(c) not mine
I was once riding a bus. And at the moment the bus started moving,
a young man jumped onto the footboard. Since, due to the blockade
and the almost COMPLETE lack of light in the republic, the bus was
the only functioning mode of transport (this happened in Armenia, in Yerevan,
in 1993), you can imagine what was happening at the stops
and especially in the buses: a crush, a torrent of swearing, and other delights of our
life at that time. Therefore, people got on any bus without looking,
just to travel a few stops in the right direction. So,
the young man squeezed onto the footboard and grabbed the first thing
that came to hand. This "first thing" turned out to be the ample bosom of a girl
standing by the door. He grabbed her breast and, with a voice hoarse
from the long chase after the departing bus, asked:
- What number?! (Apparently, he meant the bus number)
To which the young lady proudly and quite loudly replied:
- Fourth! What, don't you like it?!

Walking past the server room, I see our admin conducting a major cleanup. He's dragged a bunch of dead, old hardware, wires, and boxes into the hallway. A couple of curious managers are rummaging through all this junk, looking for "interesting bits." The admin peers out the doorway and, in a firm, commanding voice, says: "Necrophiles, get out of here!!!" Morpheus instructs Neo: "Remember, Neo, there are two ways to enter the Matrix – either with an interface cable in the back of your head, or with a power cable in your..." As everyone knows, alcohol kills brain cells. But only those that refuse to drink. A drunk hedgehog is walking through a swamp and shouting: "Hey, you piece of crap, come out, you piece of crap!" Suddenly, a little animal crawls out of the bushes and says: "Hedgehog, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not 'piece of crap,' it's 'desman'!" Hedgehog: "Well, I'll just start calling every piece of crap by its proper name." A hedgehog emerges from the fog, takes out half a glass of vodka, takes out a knife and sausage, it's good in his native forest. He quietly starts a song, sheds a tear for what didn't come true, looks at the empty glass, and goes back into the fog

Announcements:
"Kitten. High quality. Hardly used, only 2 months old. Comes with everything. Has fur (a cheerful black and white color), paws (4), whiskers (unlimited), and a built-in purring mechanism (Int). This little guy can pee in the litter box, lie on the TV with his tail hanging over the screen, and has boundless energy. The feeding function is simply amazing: it eats bread and pasta with pleasure.
And I'm giving all this away for free, to good people! It's a branded item. No glitches. Can be upgraded. Warranty. Recognizes mice."

"Dog missing. Distinctive features: a 9-year-old boy is tied to its leash."

"I groom cats. Neutering is possible. Basically, whatever works. Phone..."

One man, when a woman came to visit, would immediately say to her at the door:
"Take off your tights. My puppy tears everything up!"
It turned out that the puppy tears up skirts and blouses. And then it turned out that there was no puppy at all. But it was too late...
It's good to have such a puppy!

This masterpiece should be read aloud!!

In one of the Moscow institutes, next to the department of heavy nuclear physics, there is an office with a sign: Deputy Head of the Department of Heavy Nuclear Physics, A.F. Sobakin.

...Once, during the war, Winston Churchill was inspecting the Air Force to boost the morale of the soldiers. He walks along the runway surrounded by generals and ministers, smoking his pipe. He approaches the fighters where the pilots are standing, and the official introductions begin: - Lieutenant Peterson, 29 years old, married, 3 children... - Captain Jackson, 25 years old, married, 2 children... - Major Thomson, 35 years old, married, 3 children... At the end of the line stands the last pilot - the youngest: - Corporal Wilson, 22 years old, married, 8 children (!)... Churchill

The word "Post" on a traffic police booth signifies a permanent workplace and has nothing to do with the Christian tradition of abstaining from food, drink, money, and other pleasures... :smile42: :smile42: :smile42: