Skip to content

Posts from Fun Auto-translated

3.5 (4 ratings)
In reply to Vihja Drow
User Avatar
#391
Auto-translated
Vihja Drow;95222
Yeah, Maergrym, is spermatoxicosis setting in?
Tell me, monster, why are you so worried about sperm? I wasn't paying attention, but I've already seen your second diagnosis (the first was about me) related to this. Are you sexually preoccupied?
ДУРАКОВ ОЧЕНЬ МАЛО, НО ОНИ РАССТАВЛЕНЫ ТАК ГРАМОТНО, ЧТО ВСТРЕЧАЮТСЯ НА КАЖДОМ ШАГУ.
Прошу прощения у Arandor-а. Я слишком резко отреагировал. Просто очень люблю спорт. Извини...[/SIZE]
In reply to SteN
User Avatar
#392
Auto-translated
2 Sten
Good story!!! But there's one thing...

"Russians with laughter destroy an Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket."

Where, I wonder, does an Afghan village get a school, a kindergarten, and especially a cinema, a stadium, and a supermarket?:) They live in poverty, and there's no way that could be the case:)
User Avatar
#393
Auto-translated
- Girl, can I get to know you?
- Let me scratch your entire back, and then you can come up with something to tell your friends...

Prayer:
- Lord, help me, a sinner, don't let me do or make any stupid things, and if I do, let it be a lesson for me, and not as usual: hee-hee, ha-ha, I got drunk, and I forgot.
In reply to Saruman
User Avatar
#394
Auto-translated
Device "Ceramic Brick" (imported) OEM package

The newest self-defense weapon - "Ceramic Brick" (a means of individual and/or collective protection).
Its effectiveness has been proven by time and many generations of users. So, what are the advantages of a "ceramic brick" over other self-defense tools?

- The brick is cheap;
- The brick is accessible;
- You don't need a permit from the Ministry of Internal Affairs for the brick;
- The brick is not detected by metal detectors;
- Special conditions and safes with alarms are not needed to store the brick;
- It is more difficult to remove fingerprints from the brick;
- Export/import of bricks is not a crime and is not prosecuted by law enforcement;
- It is not prohibited to send the brick by mail!
- The brick does not need an upgrade;
- No bullets, canisters, cartridges, or batteries are needed for the brick;
- The brick does not emit gas;
- The brick can be used in a confined space;
- You can be in public places with the brick without raising suspicion;
- The brick not only looks real, but it is;
- The brick always looks impressive;
- The brick has a very good stopping effect;
- It is not necessary to hit exactly in the eye, throat, or knee with the brick;
- A brick tied to a rope becomes a weapon of mass destruction;
- You cannot inhale the brick when using it;
- The brick is silent;
- The brick has an unlimited supply of ammunition;
- The brick does not need maintenance and does not break;
- The brick never misfires;
- The brick can be used without any training or reading boring instructions;
- The police will not find fault with the brick. Even if you carry it in your hand;
- Your child will not shoot a friend if you accidentally leave the brick on the table;
- When you see the brick, you will never have thoughts of suicide;
- If the brick is broken, half of it is enough;
- It is convenient to open beer with a brick without moving the bolt;
- You can make a bulletproof vest from two dozen bricks;
- You can sit on the brick;
- You can stun fish or hunt small game with a brick;
- You can fry kebabs on two bricks;
- Three bricks make an excellent trap for a Georgian mouse;
- A hollowed-out brick is an excellent hiding place for money and documents;
- The brick can be used to repair a car;
- A brick wrapped in nichrome wire makes a good stove/hot plate;
- You can prop up a door/gate with a brick;
- You can draw with a brick like with chalk;
- The brick is the color of the USSR army, which makes it patriotic!
- You can brick up an intruder in something;
- The brick is an excellent counterweight;
- You can find earthworms for fishing under a brick lying on the ground;
- The brick is an excellent aid for studying the laws of Archimedes;
- You can cook porridge from a brick no worse than from an ax!
- If you integrate the brick into a white circle, entry will be prohibited for vehicles;
- You can sharpen knives, axes, etc. with a brick;
- Holding a good brick from Secur.Su in your hand, feel like the owner of elite real estate! - High frost resistance;
- The brick is resistant to high temperatures;
- Resistance to almost all climatic conditions, which allows it to maintain reliability and an attractive appearance;
- The brick can be used as a general anesthetic;
- Decorative brick can be used to decorate an apartment;
- The brick is made of natural material (clay) and does not contain genetically modified or other harmful components and additives!
- Individual pre-sale preparation of each brick by a Secur.Su specialist
- Low water absorption (less than 6%);
- High strength (25 MPa and above);
- High density (1950 kg/m.cub, up to 2000 kg/m.cub with manual molding);
- Meets the highest environmental requirements and international standards ISO 9001—2000, ISO 14001—1996
Domestic standards GOST 6316—74, GOST 7484—78, GOST 530—95, GOST 566—73.
©2006 Secur.Su

Dimensions: 240x115x52;
Weight: 3500 gr.

Every week a new color.

A rich selection of colors for lovers of the exotic.
It is possible to manufacture various accessories from natural leather for this product to order: hidden and open carry holsters, special cases, briefcases, etc.
Due to the low price of the device, delivery is paid separately.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Masterpieces of the protocols of the valiant police:

Traces of capillary hands were found on the glass.

After drinking, a fight occurred between the warehouse and the fence.

Mr. Petrov took the mop left by the janitor and began to urinate first on the bedside table, and then on the windows of the second floor. When I pointed out the inadmissibility of this to him, he left the mop, which continued to urinate on its own.

Among the stolen items is a used sideboard.

88 cases worth 2107 rubles were collected by the department.

A detachment for the theft of socialist property was created at the police station.

The moose could not leave on its own, as it was without hind legs, which were lying in the clearing.

Since Semyonov missed with the brick at Pavlyuk, the hooliganism should be considered unsuccessful.

As a result of the amputation, Senkin suffered bodily harm.

Ivanov can identify the person who hit him in the face by his face.

The driver broke both of his headlights when he crashed.

A dog was confiscated from Mr. Gavrilenko, which was running around without a leash, in accordance with the resolution of the Leningrad City Council on the fight against rabies.

Next to the corpse were the corpse's wife and corpse's children.

A large amount of vomited food was found in the kitchen.

Citizens, drivers! Be afraid of places where children jump out!

The certificate is given to Ms. Dzubova that before becoming a woman, she was a girl. Technician-caretaker of Housing Maintenance Office No. 19.

Being brought to the police station, Mr. Suchko continued to commit hooliganism and kicked Captain of Police Prokhorov in the groin, from which the latter's hat flew off.

One leg of the corpse was bent, the other was thrown to the side, and the left one was stretched along the body.

On December 24, Mr. Losikhin, being in a state of alcoholic intoxication, during an argument, inflicted numerous blows to Mr. Vasiliev's head with a toner, from which Vasiliev died on the spot, stealing 10 rubles 71 kopecks.

The bottle presented for examination is made of green glass, has a label "Kahor Caucasian" and three faceted glasses.

Fedotova I.A. stated that she was raped, but not in the right place.

The corpse of Mr. Ivanov lay between the fence and the wall of the vegetable base. Moreover, the anus was stuffed with wooden containers.

During the inspection of the scene, a plaster cast of the sole of the shoe left by the perpetrator was found and seized near the corpse's feet (ruling of the investigator of the Prosecutor's Office).

The violator jumped over the fence, fell on the roof of the barn, broke through the latter and fell on Mr. Sidorov, 22 years old, and Ms. Fedorova, 25 years old, who were lying there completely naked without any ulterior motive.

Mr. Ivanov violated the resolution of the Leningrad City Council on the bedside table and, despite the warning, continued to violate it in a zigzag pattern until he ran out of steam.

... the eyes are large, blue, fused on the bridge of the nose.

On the victim's body, in the area of the chest, there are hematomas the size of a 5-kopeck coin, a 15-kopeck coin, and other injuries - in total for 1 ruble 25 kopecks.
Правила форума
FAQ по Heroes VI
Форумная мафия
[readonly]
In reply to Amko
User Avatar
#395
Auto-translated
User - a person who steps on a rake.
Newbie - a beginning user who has never stepped on a rake and is therefore convinced that rakes do not exist.
Lamer - a user who regularly steps on rakes, but remains convinced that rakes do not exist.
Narrow Specialist - a user who has perfected the art of stepping on the same rake.
Broad Specialist - a user who has more than two lumps on their forehead.
Programmer - one for whom the result is the most important part of stepping on a rake. Tired of stepping on others' rakes, they manufacture their own.
Advanced Programmer - a programmer who steps on any given rake no more than twice.
Copyright - a concept that limits the number of rakes available to be stepped on by the user's financial capabilities.
Gamer - one for whom the process is the most important part of stepping on a rake. Usually incapable of manufacturing their own rakes.
Cheater - a variety of gamer; steps only on rakes with foam pads on the handle and usually no more than once.
Hacker - one who is capable of stepping on a rake even if it is hidden in a shed and locked with a padlock.
Idealist Hacker - a noble fighter for everyone's right to step on an unlimited number of rakes.
Microsoft - a corporation, the world leader in rake production.
Bill Gates - a mythical creature from programmer folklore; an evil spirit - the patron of rakes.
Upgrade - the process of permanently spending money to buy ever-newer rakes, each of which hits harder than the previous one.
Beta Version - a version in which the rakes are visible to the naked eye.
Release - a version in which the rakes are covered with leaves.
Version Compatibility - a principle that allows new rakes to hit exactly on the lump from the previous ones.
Assembler - a programming language that allows one to step on rakes several million times per second.
Local Area Network - a technology that allows you to get hit in the forehead even when someone else steps on the rake.
Internet - a technology that allows you to step on a rake located on the other side of the globe.
Network Conference - a technology that allows everyone to step not only on their own but also on others' rakes.
Russian Encodings - a gift set of rakes for internet users.
User-Friendly Interface - a rubber grip on the rake handle.
Flexible (Customizable) Interface - a grip on the rake handle that can be moved to fit the height of one's forehead.
Graphical Interface - rakes that allow you to adjust the color and intensity of the sparks after the hit to the forehead.
Unreliable System - rakes that hit you even when you don't step on them.
Reliable System - rakes that hit you in the forehead even when your back is turned to them.
Multitasking - a concept that allows stepping on several rakes simultaneously.
Object-Oriented Programming - a method of manufacturing rakes based on the matryoshka principle.
Manual - a book describing various ways of stepping on rakes. Never used by lamers or hackers. Advanced programmers use it after they step on the same rake for the second time.
Technical Support - a service that gives advice on what to do after stepping on a rake. Usually, its first piece of advice is to step on the rake again and compare the sensations.
:D

US software manufacturers have made a stunning discovery. It turns out that the reading speed of Russians is hundreds of thousands of times faster than that of Americans. This became obvious after counting the milliseconds it takes for the average Russian to read the end-user (license) agreement and click "I Agree".
:D

Phrases you wouldn't want to hear while lying on an operating table:
- Something's just not going my way today...
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- And why did I get so wasted yesterday?
- Now, who tore 5 pages out of the manual?!
- Give it back! Bad doggy!
- Aha! Well, I think he already has children...
- Push it! Hockey starts in twenty minutes!
- Nurse! Give me that... what is it... uuh... well this... dammit...
- Okay, colleague. If this is the appendix, then what the hell is this thing?
- Damn it, the power's out again!
- Everyone back!!! My contact lens fell out!
- It's okay, we learn from our mistakes.
:D

So, a student comes to an exam. He places a bottle of champagne in front of the professor...
- Well, satisfactory...
The student takes out a box of chocolates.
- Well, good...
The student takes out a very fancy pen.
- Excellent, - says the professor, - give me your gradebook.
He marks the grade.
The student, saying "I'll go pass physics now," sweeps everything back into his bag...
:D
Иногда они возвращаются :smile27:
Бросайте флуд и оффтоп из раздела пятерки в Флудовские ссылки или мне в личку.
In reply to SteN
User Avatar
#396
Auto-translated
In Portuguese, a phrase that would be linguistically shocking for a Russian speaker is: "In July, I'll gorge myself on pancakes" [In Juliо рidаrаs оhuеlоs]. In Spanish: "A black dress for my granddaughter" [Traхе негро пара ми ниета]. In Turkish: "The character of every bull" [Хер манд аныб хуюб]. In Arabic: "My brother's family is the best in the country" [Усрат а*** атъебифи биляди]. And now – the HIT! In Chinese: "A dirty-gray fox step by step returns to the dormitory" [Х%й лю лю хули ибу ибу х%й суши]. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cool credit cards. :smile52: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- And finally, I really enjoy these kinds of jokes in our chat. :D
Attachments 1
1 file attached • Total size: 8.8 KB
Правила форума
FAQ по Heroes VI
Форумная мафия
[readonly]
In reply to Amko
User Avatar
#397
Auto-translated
"Albanian" in Old Church Slavonic

"The scribe was burning!!"
"Teach Old Church Slavonic!"
"To Kozelsk, you beast!"
"Bojan!"
"He didn't read the chronicles, but the boyars say it's not right!"
"The scribe is a hellish devil!" )))
"The scribe, drink poison!"
"Why are you poisoning him?"
"Scribe, write faster, for it will be counted."
"And those who came before and after are vile sodomites."
"Among a dozen."
"This creation stinks, and the scribe is a whiner."
"These letters are very numerous, and the work of deciphering them is difficult."
"Put it in the chronicles!"
"It was very amusing, so they fell from the seat under the table."
"I can't take it anymore!"
"I can't take it anymore, for it's a psalm!"
"Darkness of letters!"
"Into the flames!"
"Scribe, do it again!"
"I can't hold back the laughter."
"People speak well!" (comments rule)
"Let it be remembered!" (in memoriam)
"Thank you, I had a good time."
"He hit his head against the wall of the room."
"He laughed under the bench."
"The theme of Perseus has not been revealed."
User Avatar
#400
Auto-translated
Fresh joke. Today, October 17th, half of the country's population won a bottle of vodka. The other half paid for it out of their own pocket.
Просто еще один
In reply to SandroXXL
User Avatar
#401
Auto-translated
10 Facts About Muscovites

1. A Muscovite is certain that there is no life outside the Moscow Ring Road (MKAD)!
2. Most Muscovites will be surprised if you buy a train ticket. After all, there are airplanes!
3. Most Muscovites will be surprised if, upon arriving in Moscow for the weekend, you go to the Tretyakov Gallery and then to the Armory Chamber, and sometimes they will even figure out where these places are.
4. Every Muscovite is sure that it is pointless to exit the subway car in an orderly fashion and without pushing, so everyone enters and exits subway cars at the same time. Some even survive.
5. A Muscovite, exhausted by the lack of time, is sure that the best workout is a morning run up the escalator with additional load on the forearm muscles.
6. Every Muscovite has a globe of Moscow in a secret cabinet.
7. A Muscovite knows that there is only one city in Russia and several suburbs of Moscow: Nizhny Novgorod, St. Petersburg, Surgut. Pushkin is a poet.
8. Muscovites come to the St. Petersburg suburbs for one day (no, not to the Hermitage), which they spend watching wild St. Petersburgers in their natural habitat.
9. Muscovites are wary of the Vasilyevsky Island arrow - there are some firing squads there. This can be dangerous to life.
10. There are no white nights. This is a promotional campaign for a Moscow suburb.

15 Facts About St. Petersburgers

1. If you buy a train ticket and tell a St. Petersburg friend about it, they will be sincerely surprised if you didn't buy a ticket to St. Petersburg.
2. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that there is nothing north of St. Petersburg, and Murmansk is a mythical country like Atlantis or Lapland.
3. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that there are no museums anywhere else in Russia except St. Petersburg.
4. For St. Petersburgers, there are only two roads - to Moscow and to Finland - and both are for work and both are direct.
5. Every St. Petersburg resident is sure that all the people standing in their way to exit the subway car are definitely getting off at their stop. That is why St. Petersburgers constantly create a crush in the Moscow subway cars - they just cannot imagine that other people simply need a different station.
6. The word "ring" is associated with a pawnshop for St. Petersburgers. For St. Petersburgers who have lived in Moscow for a long time, it is associated with the MKAD. But even the most advanced St. Petersburgers, who have lived in Moscow for a very long time, do not know about the circular subway line, as well as about the Garden Ring, the Boulevard Ring, and the 3rd Transport Ring.
7. St. Petersburg is the most beautiful city in the world. Because there are only 3 cities in the world - St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Helsinki, and it is cold in Helsinki and there live Finns, and it is inconvenient to travel by subway in Moscow (because St. Petersburgers do not know about the circular line).
8. St. Petersburg is the safest city in the world. Even despite the dark alleys and the simultaneous green light for pedestrians and cars at the intersection. Simply because it is cold in Helsinki and there live Finns, and you can get lost in the Moscow subway (because St. Petersburgers do not know about the circular line).
9. There is no sun - this is a product of the sick imagination of Muscovites - they always want to show off.
10. There are no nights either. And the sky is always gray. Muscovites just have hidden complexes.
11. There is only one river in the world. You all know what it is called.
12. Venice does not exist - it is a prototype of the paradise of St. Petersburg.
13. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that the 7 wonders of the world are: Nevsky Prospekt, the Gulf of Finland, the Savior on Spilled Blood, the Alexander Column, the Champ de Mars, the Isaac Cathedral, and the drawbridges.
14. The chosen people are not the Jews, but the St. Petersburgers.
15. In the beginning, God created the gray sky and the Champ de Mars. And God populated St. Petersburg with St. Petersburgers and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill St. Petersburg." And the Finns and Muscovites came from monkeys.
User Avatar
#402
Auto-translated
A conversation about the eternal. Those who are easily impressionable should avoid getting into deep philosophical discussions, even though it was evening, and we were just goofing around, and it's not even true...

PrutkoFF: Aaa :-)
SandroXXL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8-) You scared me!
PrutkoFF: Me? No ;-)
SandroXXL: :-\ I think you scared me, not the other way around...:-$ I mean, the opposite....
PrutkoFF: So, what is this *CRAZY*?
SandroXXL: Well, I mean, going to the left *DRINK*
PrutkoFF: *DRINK* You mean to the left, right? ;-)
SandroXXL: To the left! I mean, perpendicularly...
PrutkoFF: *CRAZY*
Просто еще один
In reply to SandroXXL
User Avatar
#403
Auto-translated
- Well, we bought the car, where are we going to get it insured?
- I've already called four insurance companies. The first one turned me down, the second one turned me down, and the third one turned me down...
- What about Rosgosstrakh?
- They turned me down too. They explained that they don't insure washing machines against theft...
***
- This is from fatigue, this is from nervous strain, and this is from depression.
- Thank you, doctor, thank you... Do you have anything besides vodka?
***
In Russia, a double solid line should be at least 40 centimeters high.
***
The path to a woman's heart lies through her refrigerator.
***
Smoking light cigarettes is like soaping a noose with baby soap.
In reply to Слоныш
User Avatar
#404
Auto-translated
- Can the birth of a child in a family become a cause of conflict? - Yes, if the child appears late... and while someone is intoxicated. Soldiers are peeling potatoes and discussing the hardships of military service: - My sergeant is a real beast. - Mine is like a woman. - !?
- All he thinks about is uniforms... At the entrance to a supermarket: - Sir, please take the oranges out of your pants pockets and put them in the storage locker. - These aren't oranges, they're eggs. - Even more reason to. And what else do you have there, sausage? Professor Zaupokonsky considered his surname to be noble, perfect, and even symbolic for lazy students. But the students didn't think so and improved it whenever they could... The Orthodox community is summing up the results of the competition - "love the church, love your mother!" The winners are: 1) A local perfume Factory, for releasing the powder - "dust of St. Pafnutius." 2) A plumbing Factory, for releasing the fountain - "a pissing Orthodox boy" and "a stream of faith." 3) A psychiatric hospital, for releasing the newspaper "Holy Fathers Among Us." A special prize goes to the city bathhouse for selling brooms - "To Holy Places." Two football fans are talking. The first: - You know, every time "Spartak" scores a goal against "Zenit," my dachshund does a somersault. - Cool! Which way does it do it - to the left or to the right? - It depends on which foot I kick it with... There will be no New Year. The current one will go for a second term. Due to numerous requests from workers in Russia, a transition to another "off-season" time is being introduced. Now, every citizen has the right to set their watch back by 24 hours at any time of the year, on any night from Sunday to Monday. Tomorrow, Russian TV viewers will not be able to see the weather forecast. The Hydrometeorological Center has run out of coffee grounds. "...there is also a copy of the book "Complaints and Testaments" on board the aircraft. We wish you a pleasant flight!"
Правила форума
FAQ по Heroes VI
Форумная мафия
[readonly]
User Avatar
#405
Auto-translated
I find this joke amusing: If cigarettes are labeled "light," then vodka should be labeled "liver." :D
"Единственное, что можно сказать с уверенностью об удаче - она изменит..."