Posts from Fun

6 types of players

Favorite modern weapon

Real men love large-caliber machine guns.

Roleplayers use M16s.

Pranksters use blinding grenades and knives.

Min-maxers can't live without a sniper rifle.

Villains would rather blow someone up with a grenade launcher.

Noobs shoot everything they have, but it still doesn't save them.

Favorite ranged weapon

Real men throw spears.

Roleplayers cast Arcane on their opponents.

Pranksters throw artifacts belonging to their friends.

Min-maxers throw whatever deals the most damage.

Villains throw poisoned needles.

Noobs throw their two-handed sword at their opponent.

Favorite helmet

Real men wear the Helmet of Strength.

Roleplayers wear the Helmet of Telepathy.

Pranksters wear the Blind Man's Helmet ("yes, you can't see anything, but it's great against the Gorgon's Medusa").

Min-maxers wear a helmet that provides a 360-degree view and generates a force field.

Defenders of Evil wear a "Protection from Good Helmet".

Noobs wear whatever is sold in the store.

Favorite shield

Real men don't wear shields—their hands are occupied with a two-handed sword.

Roleplayers choose a shield that matches the color of their clan's emblem.

Pranksters don't wear weapons—their hands are occupied with a "two-handed" shield; they occasionally give it to noobs.

Min-maxers wear a shield of automatic parrying or, at worst, something from the scales of the Great Crocodile Ama.

Villains equip themselves with a spiked shield, after first coating the protruding needles with poison from the blue-eyed toad.

Noobs wear whatever they can find, or, if they're lucky, whatever they're given.

Favorite way to die

Real men die in battle amidst the whistling of bullets and the explosions of enemy magic.

Roleplayers die on their deathbed after a long farewell speech (the speech is not included due to lack of space in the issue).

Pranksters test the strength of their energy shield by firing into the ground with their most powerful weapon. The weapon turns out to be more powerful.

Min-maxers refused to answer this question (favorite way of what?... are you kidding???).

Villains die with a chilling laugh, blowing up the anti-tank mines scattered around and taking everyone within a 100-meter radius with them to the afterlife.

Noobs die at the first opportunity.

Favorite phrase at the moment of death

Real men: "Aaa...! You're lying—you won't get away with it..."

Roleplayers: "My mission in this world is over, everything I believed in... Everything I did..." (unintelligible).

Pranksters: "He-he-he, I was just kidding."

Min-maxers: "Damn it—they took away 3 percent of my experience."

Villains: "Well, now you're dead. You just didn't know who you were dealing with, you poor fool."

Noobs: "Oh, what was that? What was that?"

Favorite drink

Real men drink Barkskin Potion.

Roleplayers drink the Potion of Great Charisma.

Pranksters love bottles with unknown contents.

Min-maxers drink an elixir that increases all stats by 10 points and provides five hours of immunity to magic.

Defenders of Evil drink the blood of fallen enemies.

Noobs drink Coca-Cola.

Favorite activity in an MMORPG

Real men fight dragons.

Roleplayers role-play their character (what else are they going to do?).

Pranksters engage in virtual sex (usually in the general chat).

Min-maxers do whatever gives the most experience.

Villains help newbies teleport to their home village for free.

Noobs do whatever the GM tells them to do.

Favorite way to fight a sleeping dragon

Real men first wake it up and then attack.

Roleplayers remember that their character doesn't kill sleeping dragons and quietly leave.

Pranksters call on familiar newbies for help, and they go to drink beer.

Min-maxers log in with their level 58 rogue, do Backstab, Sneak Attack, Stun, and three critical hits in a row, then put the loot in their backpack, make armor from the dragon's skin, and bring it back to life as their "pet".

Villains wait for someone else to enter the cave, wake up the dragon, and kill it along with the hapless traveler.

Noobs just stand and wait for it to wake up.

Favorite questions to ask the server administrator

Real men: "Why are the monsters so weak? Change the coefficients, or it's not interesting to play—I can kill a rabbit after drinking only three full healing potions!"

Roleplayers: "The new GM, during a quest in the Azure Caves on Tuesday evening, said the word "damn" twice and three times... Hmm... Something similar, but a little longer. Is that how role-playing is done now?"

Pranksters: "Yes, I saw them kill the ogre king with one hit. Who was it? I'll tell you now, I have all the nicknames written down..."

Min-maxers: "On the last server where I played, the store sold +8 swords with additional fire damage, and you only have +6 with acid. And what is this called? No one will play here!"

Villains: "What will our clan get for first place in the number of kills? We've prepared a small list of what we're missing..."

Noobs: "Listen, how do I even create a character? The picture on the splash screen is cool, but they say there's something else there."

Signs That Play Games

Have you noticed that everyone plays games differently? Let's think about why. What exactly influences playing style? Age, gender, nationality? Come on, what nonsense. Character, some might say. Oh! Now we're getting warmer... And what influences character? The stars and planets, of course! We present to you the first gamer horoscope of its kind.

Aries
Symbol: flamethrower.

«Listen, you're gonna die!! A new addon for MegaSuperTerminator just came out, we just need to download the patch from the net... What, you didn't pay for your internet? Let's run and buy a card at the nearest grocery store. There's Multiplayer too, that's it, now I'm gonna tear you apart!!! Ha-ha-ha... What?.. You're busy right now???»


That is an Aries. Their energy and spontaneity are second to none.


They can calmly barge onto your base, having sunk all their money into buying weak units while you are peacefully developing on a large map. The result of such a game is either a very satisfied and thriving Aries, or a broken keyboard at one of your home computers.

They are wonderfully susceptible to provocations and easily lured into traps. If an Aries sees a weak unit, it is simply impossible for them to resist the temptation to tear it apart with their main hero.

They easily combine selfishness with loyalty to their friends. Seeing a "tasty" item dropped by some minotaur, they will immediately rush to pick it up, then apologize at length for not being able to protect you from three others at the same time. However, if you are killed and your body, as always, is in some far-off location, it is your Aries friend who will make their way there to resurrect you.

They fight with terrible force against administrators they consider unfair. If you live in the same city as gamer Aries, be careful about taking things from them or cutting their levels — the consequences are unpredictable.

Taurus
Symbol: clan bank.

«Look how much money I made today trading... And look at the gear I put on my character... No one else has these... He-he... Now, then, I'll place a vendor here, there, and over there... Though, if that little potbelly tries to undercut my price, I can't answer for myself... Then we'll create another guild to weed out the beginners, then we'll collect money and buy a clan house in this city, and after that...»


No, this isn't bragging: creating, acquiring, and developing are Taurus's favorite activities.

Have you ever gone to look at the Top 20 by amount of money? Do you think they are all cousins of the admins? Hm... Well, I believe they are simply people born between April 21 and May 21.

Build some cheap tank when there's still room around for a resource collection station? No way. You might beat a Taurus through an unexpected attack, but rest assured that if he had hustled in time, with his resources, you simply wouldn't have stood a chance.

Another gold mine... Another one. «Damn, haven't shaken the crumbs out of my keyboard in ages... Masik, bring me something else to chew on, I can't get up — I've got a war in full swing here».

Turn-based strategies, economic simulators, games where you can collect and hoard — that's all very Taurus.

Despite their apparent stability, these are very emotional people. Be careful not to provoke them during a game; it's hard to do, but if you succeed... Well, you've been warned, I'm telling you as a Taurus!

Gemini
Symbol: 10 bases in an RTS.

«Right then... What should I do?.. I'll play a game of chess on the ICC server, while simultaneously jumping onto a gambler site to bet on a bullet, and at the same time open chat, ICQ, email, IRC... Oh, good thing I remembered, I'll search for some work stuff on the net in parallel, and run around in Warcraft too... Or maybe just screw it all and go home to sleep?»


Mnogozadachnost.dll and Peremenchivost.exe — the two main working files of any Gemini configuration.

If a Taurus collects game discs out of a love for hoarding, a Gemini does so for completely different reasons. He simply cannot play only one game — that would be boring!

Chats in all the games in the world were made specifically for them. At the most heated moment of a war with another clan, a Gemini might stop and remember that he hasn't chatted with a girl he knows, while around him... Boom-bash... Horror and nightmare. However, talented Geminis manage to both set up a date and launch a fireball at an enemy.

Did you take a Gemini on an important clan quest? He will inevitably feel the urge to peek into some Dungeon along the way, and he will be eloquent and charming enough to convince you. You both got killed there and didn't make it where you needed to go? Well — at least you had a great time in the company of a cheerful person.

Geminis are not lacking in eloquence or sense of humor. You can kill him in the game, but on the gaming forum, you'd better be more careful with him — that is his territory.

Cancer
Symbol: heavy armor.

«Where are we going? What?? To a computer club to play LAN? Forget it, it's so good and cozy at home — I have nothing better to do than trek to a club. And anyway, I don't really like this idea, I can't say why, but...»


Don't be angry with him — that's just how Cancers are.

They love playing at home; they love their home Pentium II more than any other computer in the world — after all, it sits on their desk! The stool upon which their lower half rests while their head is occupied by the game
will always be covered with something soft — it's much more pleasant that way...

They are intuitive, which makes them excellent at playing defense. Thinking of performing a diversionary maneuver and then crushing the opponent with your main army? If your opponent is a Cancer, there will be a bunch of archers behind the walls in every city, all (I repeat — all) bases will be covered, and so on.

A Cancer acquaintance of mine had great problems playing an RPG as an archer. There was simply nowhere to put the arrows, and it was impossible to put anything other than arrows in the player's bag. When I suggested selling some, he looked at me with poorly hidden contempt and said that selling anything if you already have money is own madness.

They are sensitive and take defeats hard. To hide this, they turn the game into a circus, specifically choosing losing options and then mocking the winning opponent.

They are not inclined to share valuable information. You can trust all your passwords and logins to a Cancer — they will be in safe claws.

Leo
Symbol: clanmaster.

«Well, naturally I won. Compare his level to mine. Ha. It's just funny — I've been one of the strongest players in the CIS for half a year, and he decided to play around with me. Naive... Well, though, if he proves himself well, maybe we'll take him into one of our clans for beginners. I'll think about it and decide.»


Leaders, champions (real or believing themselves to be so), clan founders, developers of game strategies — in short, Leos are the tsars and kings of gaming shards.

They love power. Nothing warms a Leo's soul like the "disband" or "kick" button in the clan management menu. However, being talented organizers, they are much better suited for the role of masters than others.

They love to be the center of attention; they love flattery. Praise their skill at playing, respond with a compliment to some piece of game tactics advice, and Leo will generously share his royal sympathy in return.

Don't have enough for a sword? Ask a Leo — they handle money easily, and their vanity will purr with pleasure that he helped another "noob".

And, of course, this is one of the best options for front-line fighters — a lion's heart knows no fear!

Virgo
Symbol: walkthrough.

«Look here. As this graph shows, which I compiled by analyzing the battles of the 1250 strongest players and their outcomes, considering the relationship between races, classes, and characters with a margin of error no more than... Hm... I made a mistake here by a whole two hundredths of a percent.»


If someone born under this sign plays Minesweeper, they do it very qualitatively, approaching the game analytically. Otherwise, why play at all?

Hardworking, methodical, and punctual, but somewhat withdrawn. While his clanmates are drinking beer at another meetup, he will translate a quest and post it on the forum, providing his own important notes. A meetup is a waste of time, but a quest will be useful to everyone. Such are Virgos.

They hate laziness. Did your Virgo clanmaster catch you chatting in chat? Uh-oh. «The clan war is soon, and you're just lounging around here! Now quickly — sword in hand and forward! You won't leave the club until you hit level 50.»

Do you walk through the city, bothering others with the phrase: "Waha, give me money!"? A Virgo will pass by contemptuously — giving money to people like you is simply stupid.

Libra
Symbol: shield and sword.

«Your helmet gives 50 armor, but your boots only 49. Imbalance, my friend... Imbalance. Now I'll advise you on how to properly gear your character. Hm... Although, on the other hand, that's also a version of balance, however if we make the helmet 49 and the boots 51, maybe it will be better? But then again — the head will be
less protected... Why have you gone all pale? Don't get so nervous, I'm telling you something useful.»


Libras love giving advice. The goal of the game is harmony. Only then is it a proper game.

But, as is known, achieving harmony is not easy. A Libra administrator hates abruptness and rudeness, but can easily ban you if it seems to them that you responded not politely enough.

«Send this group of tanks to defend the southern base or the northern one... I need to think, maybe the northern one is better? Or still the southern?»

Libras take a long time to make decisions — which is why they have problems with RTS: by the time a decision is finally made, both bases will be in ruins.

«Hooray! Attack! How we crushed them! This is the best game in the world, and we have the best clan!!!» That's Libra today. «Everyone is beating us, and anyway is it even worth playing if everything is so bad, I haven't changed my sword for 15 levels, and the char turned out unlucky, and overall the game is stupid.» That's how they can easily become tomorrow.

And what can be done?

Many spears, bastards, and two-handers are broken on the path to balance.

Scorpio
Symbol: invisible dagger.

«The question is who among us will win — that's the question. But you cannot win because you have less experience, tanks, fighters, resources, and most importantly, because you are playing against me. Believe me — there is no point in resisting.»


Boundless confidence in their own victory — that is a Scorpio player.

A dangerous and strong opponent. He always remembers that the real game happens between
real people, not figures on a screen, and does not forget to use this. A Scorpio will try either to charm you or to instill fear in you, so that you lose even before the actual battles begin, whether it be a tank battle or a sword duel.

Some Scorpios wish everyone ill, pick up others' loot, take items dropped from you and run away. They are also the ones with the sniper rifle.

An unoccupied source of valuable resources? Of course, it will be mine. A piece of wood lying around? I'll pick that up too. The Scorpio's predatory instinct often consumes the entire Gameplay, but this is not a Taurus-like love for things, but rather a desire to dominate.

They love secret revenge. A thief dealing terrible damage from invisibility, a tunnel under your base, poisoning the main hero? Well then. If the culprit invites you to their birthday party, it will be in November.

Be sure to come; they do not forget insults.

Sagittarius
Symbol: stunning blow.

«I'll tell you honestly, the character you've been playing for half a year is total garbage, you developed him wrong. And he's poorly geared, and in PVP you don't know how to play at all, so you're a good boy for even reaching this level, well done, honestly... Oh, are you offended?»


They are straightforward. Just like a Long Sword in Neverwinter Nights. And they can't lie, like the lawful and good characters from the same place.

Despite such a character (or thanks to it), everyone loves them, as their charisma is at the proper level from birth.

During a game, a Sagittarius doesn't just sit at the computer, but walks around it, typing on the keyboard while standing, putting one foot on the chair — in general, mana just pours out of him.

«Remember, in that mission we played last year at Kolya's house after 4 bottles of beer, there was a dragon with death immunity sitting in the ruins? So... How do you not remember??»

That is also a Sagittarius; well, their memory is just like that, what can be done.

They love causing accidents in races and dying merrily in battles with monsters.

Cheerful and spontaneous, they simply cannot understand that gaming is a serious matter.

Capricorn
Symbol: moving tank.

«The opponent chased me all over the map, destroying my cities, heroes, and capturing mines, until I finally won, just as I had planned in advance.»


The best strategists. Have you backed a Capricorn into a corner and are already rejoicing in victory? Don't rush — one wrong decision, and he will seize the initiative, whether it be chess or two-player Tetris.

No posing; quietly and calmly they capture one city after another, softly but reliably controlling the map. If your clanmaster is a Capricorn, then most likely your clan will be beaten long and painfully until everyone who was beating you gradually ends up in your ranks.

They respect stronger players, pore over walkthroughs and tips, carefully studying everything that might be useful to them.

Sometimes they are too serious and forget that a game is just a game.

Aquarius
Symbol: gaming die.

«I used stationary firing installations to attack the enemy base,
while simultaneously protecting my city with a directed nuclear explosion. What? No one plays like that? Well, I think it turned out quite well...»


If you play against an Aquarius, be prepared for all sorts of surprises. Having only just started playing, they immediately come up with new methods and tactical tricks — their heuristics sometimes go off the charts, but more often bring a good effect thanks to the developed intuition of this air sign.

It is precisely they who write programs that play their characters while the owners sleep. They find bugs, hack servers, but do so more to shock the gaming Community and for their own interest than for real gain in the game.

Very freedom-loving and independent. Keep this in mind when playing with an Aquarius. Team-play is not their strongest suit.

Elusive. His thoughts drift into the future, somewhere there, where a mysterious Game Over lives, invisible to other signs but easily tangible for an Aquarius.

Pisces
Symbol: enchanted lake.

«I'll have a little house here. Yeah — and here's the warehouse where I'll keep supplies. Good... A bunny ran by. What a cutie. Aaaaah! Why did you kill it?» (Tears.)


For Pisces, a game is first and foremost another reality into which one can dive headfirst, live there, experience everything their characters experience. After all, reality is so harsh, and the game is so beautiful. Look, look at those flowers on the hill! Just like real ones.

At the same time, Pisces, being the 12th sign of the Zodiac, absorb the qualities of all other signs.

They can feel great in a real-time strategy like a Gemini, systematically carry out territory capture in a turn-based game like a Capricorn, hoard resources in an RPG like a Taurus, carefully bypass your base through the mountains like a Cancer, or hit directly, breaking through defenses like an Aries.

They will always help their fellow gamers with money, a kind word, a sharp sword, or an armored tank division.

The twelfth house is the house of mystery, and you will never fully understand their goals in the game. Then again, do they understand them themselves?

:smile40: :smile40: :smile40:

Taken from the website www.lki.ru

How Hollywood makes movies about Russians

The script must contain:

1) A Russian general named Pyotr Gogol

2) A beast-like Russian captain, Ivan Pyotr. The captain's mother apparently sinned with a bear; the bear struggled and screamed. The captain loves to drink vodka from a square bottle and eat ikra with a spoon from a bochka. His main occupation is cutting off the heads of cute children with a large knife in front of an Afghan (or some other) father, while humming the Internationale.

3) A malicious KGB agent, Konstantin Dolvsky, who loves to execute soldiers who refuse to beat blonde Afghan children with rifle butts.

4) A Russian girl, Natasha Moskvova. A good girl, because she sleeps with the main character—an American.

Russians engage in acts of unmotivated vandalism, sadism, sexism, and communism, burning Afghan villages. Close-up—the brutish face of a drunken, v govno Russian helicopter pilot, firing rocket after rocket at an Afghan woman with a child. The rocket hits the woman. Close-up—the dead woman lies beautifully, staring at the sky with dead eyes lined with Maybelline. A child cries nearby. The viewer angrily squeezes a bag of popcorn in their fist. Russian soldiers, dressed in sharovary and papaha, execute neatly dressed Afghan peasants. Close-up—dead Afghan youths on a baseball field; in the hand of a dead teenager is a homemade baseball bat he tried to use for defense. Five minutes ago, the youth was receiving congratulations for hitting a particularly tricky ball. A turban in the shape of a baseball cap swells with blood. A Russian soldier, frenzied with lust, chases an Afghan girl, trying to rip off her mini-skirt. A dull thud. The Russian soldier looks confusedly from his left eye to his right, where the hilt of a knife is protruding. This is an American zoologist, John Lesbovski, who was studying the population of Afghan rhinoceroses and, caught by the Soviet invasion, comes to the aid of the Afghans. Within five minutes, using an alpenstock and a Spyderco pocket knife (close-up on the label), he eliminates half of the Russians. But Captain Ivan Pyotr grabs an Afghan boy and holds a huge knife to his throat with "USSR" inscribed on the blade:

- You drop weapon, I kill boy.

- I drop weapon, you no kill boy.

- Yes.

John drops the captured assault rifle.

- I trick you, - the captain cackles and kills the boy.

John is hit in the head with a rifle butt. Then again, and then, realizing finally, they hit him in the kidneys, as a more vulnerable part.

- Kill all! - the captain screams. The Russians, laughing, destroy the Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket.

John comes to in the dungeons of the KGB.

- You American, - Konstantin Dolvsky tells him.

- Yes, - John says bravely.

- You speak in television that America bad.

- Never! - John proudly refuses.

Konstantin Dolvsky hits John in the head several times, bruises his arm, and finally, realizing, kicks him in the groin. At that moment, the Russian girl Natasha enters. She is wearing a gray uniform pinafore with red shoulder straps reaching the elbows and carries a tray. On the tray are two glasses in cast tea-glass holders of 152 mm caliber, a decanter of vodka, and a samovar.

- Captain! What you do! In communist party they teach not so!

- Shut up, stupid girl! In reality, communism is to kill!

He hits Natasha in the face with his boot. The girl, screaming, clutches her cheek. John jumps up and jams the tea-glass holder into Konstantin's eye.

- Run! - Natasha says, - I lead you to Sweden.

For half an hour, there is a scene of leading him to Sweden through nightmarish scenes of life in the USSR. In the cities, Russians walk in vatniks and valenki; in the villages—in skins and bast shoes. At the border. Ivan Pyotr jumps out from behind a rock and grabs Natasha, holding an axe with "CPSU" inscribed on it to her throat.

- I kill her, and then kill you!

- You coward!

- I no coward! I kill you first!

Ivan lunges at John, followed by a tedious fight scene in which Ivan uses all sorts of dishonest tricks, from a boat motor and rails to a pet bear. Finally, John drives a rail into Ivan's head, and the boat motor into the bear's head; John and Natasha sail away to Sweden in a boat made of unhewn logs with a sail made of cow skins.

Yeah, Maergrym, is spermatoxicosis setting in?

Tell me, monster, why are you so worried about sperm? I wasn't paying attention, but I've already seen your second diagnosis (the first was about me) related to this. Are you sexually preoccupied?

2 Sten
Good story!!! But there's one thing...

"Russians with laughter destroy an Afghan village, sparing neither the school, nor the kindergarten, nor the cinema, nor the stadium, nor the supermarket."

Where, I wonder, does an Afghan village get a school, a kindergarten, and especially a cinema, a stadium, and a supermarket?:) They live in poverty, and there's no way that could be the case:)

- Girl, can I get to know you?
- Let me scratch your entire back, and then you can come up with something to tell your friends...

Prayer:
- Lord, help me, a sinner, don't let me do or make any stupid things, and if I do, let it be a lesson for me, and not as usual: hee-hee, ha-ha, I got drunk, and I forgot.

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------------------------------------------------------------------------

Masterpieces of the protocols of the valiant police:

Traces of capillary hands were found on the glass.

After drinking, a fight occurred between the warehouse and the fence.

Mr. Petrov took the mop left by the janitor and began to urinate first on the bedside table, and then on the windows of the second floor. When I pointed out the inadmissibility of this to him, he left the mop, which continued to urinate on its own.

Among the stolen items is a used sideboard.

88 cases worth 2107 rubles were collected by the department.

A detachment for the theft of socialist property was created at the police station.

The moose could not leave on its own, as it was without hind legs, which were lying in the clearing.

Since Semyonov missed with the brick at Pavlyuk, the hooliganism should be considered unsuccessful.

As a result of the amputation, Senkin suffered bodily harm.

Ivanov can identify the person who hit him in the face by his face.

The driver broke both of his headlights when he crashed.

A dog was confiscated from Mr. Gavrilenko, which was running around without a leash, in accordance with the resolution of the Leningrad City Council on the fight against rabies.

Next to the corpse were the corpse's wife and corpse's children.

A large amount of vomited food was found in the kitchen.

Citizens, drivers! Be afraid of places where children jump out!

The certificate is given to Ms. Dzubova that before becoming a woman, she was a girl. Technician-caretaker of Housing Maintenance Office No. 19.

Being brought to the police station, Mr. Suchko continued to commit hooliganism and kicked Captain of Police Prokhorov in the groin, from which the latter's hat flew off.

One leg of the corpse was bent, the other was thrown to the side, and the left one was stretched along the body.

On December 24, Mr. Losikhin, being in a state of alcoholic intoxication, during an argument, inflicted numerous blows to Mr. Vasiliev's head with a toner, from which Vasiliev died on the spot, stealing 10 rubles 71 kopecks.

The bottle presented for examination is made of green glass, has a label "Kahor Caucasian" and three faceted glasses.

Fedotova I.A. stated that she was raped, but not in the right place.

The corpse of Mr. Ivanov lay between the fence and the wall of the vegetable base. Moreover, the anus was stuffed with wooden containers.

During the inspection of the scene, a plaster cast of the sole of the shoe left by the perpetrator was found and seized near the corpse's feet (ruling of the investigator of the Prosecutor's Office).

The violator jumped over the fence, fell on the roof of the barn, broke through the latter and fell on Mr. Sidorov, 22 years old, and Ms. Fedorova, 25 years old, who were lying there completely naked without any ulterior motive.

Mr. Ivanov violated the resolution of the Leningrad City Council on the bedside table and, despite the warning, continued to violate it in a zigzag pattern until he ran out of steam.

... the eyes are large, blue, fused on the bridge of the nose.

On the victim's body, in the area of the chest, there are hematomas the size of a 5-kopeck coin, a 15-kopeck coin, and other injuries - in total for 1 ruble 25 kopecks.

User - a person who steps on a rake.
Newbie - a beginning user who has never stepped on a rake and is therefore convinced that rakes do not exist.
Lamer - a user who regularly steps on rakes, but remains convinced that rakes do not exist.
Narrow Specialist - a user who has perfected the art of stepping on the same rake.
Broad Specialist - a user who has more than two lumps on their forehead.
Programmer - one for whom the result is the most important part of stepping on a rake. Tired of stepping on others' rakes, they manufacture their own.
Advanced Programmer - a programmer who steps on any given rake no more than twice.
Copyright - a concept that limits the number of rakes available to be stepped on by the user's financial capabilities.
Gamer - one for whom the process is the most important part of stepping on a rake. Usually incapable of manufacturing their own rakes.
Cheater - a variety of gamer; steps only on rakes with foam pads on the handle and usually no more than once.
Hacker - one who is capable of stepping on a rake even if it is hidden in a shed and locked with a padlock.
Idealist Hacker - a noble fighter for everyone's right to step on an unlimited number of rakes.
Microsoft - a corporation, the world leader in rake production.
Bill Gates - a mythical creature from programmer folklore; an evil spirit - the patron of rakes.
Upgrade - the process of permanently spending money to buy ever-newer rakes, each of which hits harder than the previous one.
Beta Version - a version in which the rakes are visible to the naked eye.
Release - a version in which the rakes are covered with leaves.
Version Compatibility - a principle that allows new rakes to hit exactly on the lump from the previous ones.
Assembler - a programming language that allows one to step on rakes several million times per second.
Local Area Network - a technology that allows you to get hit in the forehead even when someone else steps on the rake.
Internet - a technology that allows you to step on a rake located on the other side of the globe.
Network Conference - a technology that allows everyone to step not only on their own but also on others' rakes.
Russian Encodings - a gift set of rakes for internet users.
User-Friendly Interface - a rubber grip on the rake handle.
Flexible (Customizable) Interface - a grip on the rake handle that can be moved to fit the height of one's forehead.
Graphical Interface - rakes that allow you to adjust the color and intensity of the sparks after the hit to the forehead.
Unreliable System - rakes that hit you even when you don't step on them.
Reliable System - rakes that hit you in the forehead even when your back is turned to them.
Multitasking - a concept that allows stepping on several rakes simultaneously.
Object-Oriented Programming - a method of manufacturing rakes based on the matryoshka principle.
Manual - a book describing various ways of stepping on rakes. Never used by lamers or hackers. Advanced programmers use it after they step on the same rake for the second time.
Technical Support - a service that gives advice on what to do after stepping on a rake. Usually, its first piece of advice is to step on the rake again and compare the sensations.
:D

US software manufacturers have made a stunning discovery. It turns out that the reading speed of Russians is hundreds of thousands of times faster than that of Americans. This became obvious after counting the milliseconds it takes for the average Russian to read the end-user (license) agreement and click "I Agree".
:D

Phrases you wouldn't want to hear while lying on an operating table:
- Something's just not going my way today...
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- And why did I get so wasted yesterday?
- Now, who tore 5 pages out of the manual?!
- Give it back! Bad doggy!
- Aha! Well, I think he already has children...
- Push it! Hockey starts in twenty minutes!
- Nurse! Give me that... what is it... uuh... well this... dammit...
- Okay, colleague. If this is the appendix, then what the hell is this thing?
- Damn it, the power's out again!
- Everyone back!!! My contact lens fell out!
- It's okay, we learn from our mistakes.
:D

So, a student comes to an exam. He places a bottle of champagne in front of the professor...
- Well, satisfactory...
The student takes out a box of chocolates.
- Well, good...
The student takes out a very fancy pen.
- Excellent, - says the professor, - give me your gradebook.
He marks the grade.
The student, saying "I'll go pass physics now," sweeps everything back into his bag...
:D

In Portuguese, a phrase that would be linguistically shocking for a Russian speaker is: "In July, I'll gorge myself on pancakes" [In Juliо рidаrаs оhuеlоs]. In Spanish: "A black dress for my granddaughter" [Traхе негро пара ми ниета]. In Turkish: "The character of every bull" [Хер манд аныб хуюб]. In Arabic: "My brother's family is the best in the country" [Усрат а*** атъебифи биляди]. And now – the HIT! In Chinese: "A dirty-gray fox step by step returns to the dormitory" [Х%й лю лю хули ибу ибу х%й суши]. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cool credit cards. :smile52: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- And finally, I really enjoy these kinds of jokes in our chat. :D

"Albanian" in Old Church Slavonic

"The scribe was burning!!"
"Teach Old Church Slavonic!"
"To Kozelsk, you beast!"
"Bojan!"
"He didn't read the chronicles, but the boyars say it's not right!"
"The scribe is a hellish devil!" )))
"The scribe, drink poison!"
"Why are you poisoning him?"
"Scribe, write faster, for it will be counted."
"And those who came before and after are vile sodomites."
"Among a dozen."
"This creation stinks, and the scribe is a whiner."
"These letters are very numerous, and the work of deciphering them is difficult."
"Put it in the chronicles!"
"It was very amusing, so they fell from the seat under the table."
"I can't take it anymore!"
"I can't take it anymore, for it's a psalm!"
"Darkness of letters!"
"Into the flames!"
"Scribe, do it again!"
"I can't hold back the laughter."
"People speak well!" (comments rule)
"Let it be remembered!" (in memoriam)
"Thank you, I had a good time."
"He hit his head against the wall of the room."
"He laughed under the bench."
"The theme of Perseus has not been revealed."

no comment.

http://inlove.kz/fun/25/kogda-umestno-slovo-pizdets

- Honey! Look at this ring! What a cute ring! Buy it, buy it, buy it! Come on, buy it, buy it, buy it!
- Okay, okay... Young lady, a ring with cottage cheese and Baltika-9 beer!

*must be watched with sound*
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

Fresh joke. Today, October 17th, half of the country's population won a bottle of vodka. The other half paid for it out of their own pocket.

10 Facts About Muscovites

1. A Muscovite is certain that there is no life outside the Moscow Ring Road (MKAD)!
2. Most Muscovites will be surprised if you buy a train ticket. After all, there are airplanes!
3. Most Muscovites will be surprised if, upon arriving in Moscow for the weekend, you go to the Tretyakov Gallery and then to the Armory Chamber, and sometimes they will even figure out where these places are.
4. Every Muscovite is sure that it is pointless to exit the subway car in an orderly fashion and without pushing, so everyone enters and exits subway cars at the same time. Some even survive.
5. A Muscovite, exhausted by the lack of time, is sure that the best workout is a morning run up the escalator with additional load on the forearm muscles.
6. Every Muscovite has a globe of Moscow in a secret cabinet.
7. A Muscovite knows that there is only one city in Russia and several suburbs of Moscow: Nizhny Novgorod, St. Petersburg, Surgut. Pushkin is a poet.
8. Muscovites come to the St. Petersburg suburbs for one day (no, not to the Hermitage), which they spend watching wild St. Petersburgers in their natural habitat.
9. Muscovites are wary of the Vasilyevsky Island arrow - there are some firing squads there. This can be dangerous to life.
10. There are no white nights. This is a promotional campaign for a Moscow suburb.

15 Facts About St. Petersburgers

1. If you buy a train ticket and tell a St. Petersburg friend about it, they will be sincerely surprised if you didn't buy a ticket to St. Petersburg.
2. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that there is nothing north of St. Petersburg, and Murmansk is a mythical country like Atlantis or Lapland.
3. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that there are no museums anywhere else in Russia except St. Petersburg.
4. For St. Petersburgers, there are only two roads - to Moscow and to Finland - and both are for work and both are direct.
5. Every St. Petersburg resident is sure that all the people standing in their way to exit the subway car are definitely getting off at their stop. That is why St. Petersburgers constantly create a crush in the Moscow subway cars - they just cannot imagine that other people simply need a different station.
6. The word "ring" is associated with a pawnshop for St. Petersburgers. For St. Petersburgers who have lived in Moscow for a long time, it is associated with the MKAD. But even the most advanced St. Petersburgers, who have lived in Moscow for a very long time, do not know about the circular subway line, as well as about the Garden Ring, the Boulevard Ring, and the 3rd Transport Ring.
7. St. Petersburg is the most beautiful city in the world. Because there are only 3 cities in the world - St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Helsinki, and it is cold in Helsinki and there live Finns, and it is inconvenient to travel by subway in Moscow (because St. Petersburgers do not know about the circular line).
8. St. Petersburg is the safest city in the world. Even despite the dark alleys and the simultaneous green light for pedestrians and cars at the intersection. Simply because it is cold in Helsinki and there live Finns, and you can get lost in the Moscow subway (because St. Petersburgers do not know about the circular line).
9. There is no sun - this is a product of the sick imagination of Muscovites - they always want to show off.
10. There are no nights either. And the sky is always gray. Muscovites just have hidden complexes.
11. There is only one river in the world. You all know what it is called.
12. Venice does not exist - it is a prototype of the paradise of St. Petersburg.
13. Most St. Petersburgers are sure that the 7 wonders of the world are: Nevsky Prospekt, the Gulf of Finland, the Savior on Spilled Blood, the Alexander Column, the Champ de Mars, the Isaac Cathedral, and the drawbridges.
14. The chosen people are not the Jews, but the St. Petersburgers.
15. In the beginning, God created the gray sky and the Champ de Mars. And God populated St. Petersburg with St. Petersburgers and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill St. Petersburg." And the Finns and Muscovites came from monkeys.

A conversation about the eternal. Those who are easily impressionable should avoid getting into deep philosophical discussions, even though it was evening, and we were just goofing around, and it's not even true...

PrutkoFF: Aaa :-)
SandroXXL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8-) You scared me!
PrutkoFF: Me? No ;-)
SandroXXL: :-\ I think you scared me, not the other way around...:-$ I mean, the opposite....
PrutkoFF: So, what is this *CRAZY*?
SandroXXL: Well, I mean, going to the left *DRINK*
PrutkoFF: *DRINK* You mean to the left, right? ;-)
SandroXXL: To the left! I mean, perpendicularly...
PrutkoFF: *CRAZY*