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Offline Dr.van
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Posts: 215
#264
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A Georgian, a Jew, and a Ukrainian are sitting in prison. A package arrives for the Georgian – it contains lard. He thinks: I’ll give it to the Jew, and then I’ll mess with him for it. - Jew, do you want some lard? The Jew thinks: Okay, I’ll eat the lard, and then he’ll… - No, I don’t need your lard. The Georgian to the Ukrainian: - Ukrainian, do you want some lard? The Ukrainian thinks: I’ll eat the lard, and then he’ll… However, if I eat the lard, I’ll get stronger, and maybe I can fight back.
Моё имя останется ввеках :smile24:
Я прошел через сансару многих рождений. Рожденье вновь и вновь — горестно.

Б. ЕЛЬЦИН: "Я ХОТЕЛ, ЧТОБЫ ЛЮДИ БЫЛИ СВОБОДНЫ"
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Offline Dr.van
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Posts: 215
#267
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Nowizard;73004
http://vad.spb.ru/cool/pic/hitler/?12:D
Dude, does the link work?
Моё имя останется ввеках :smile24:
Я прошел через сансару многих рождений. Рожденье вновь и вновь — горестно.

Б. ЕЛЬЦИН: "Я ХОТЕЛ, ЧТОБЫ ЛЮДИ БЫЛИ СВОБОДНЫ"
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Offline Minerva
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Posts: 133
#268
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Many know this phrase: a drop of nicotine kills a horse, and a hamster is torn to pieces. But few know the continuation of this gruesome story:

- A drop of cannabinoid makes the horse giggle, and the hamster is torn to pieces again (but this time from laughter).
- A drop of cocaine unlocks the horse's creative potential, and the hamster starts to feel incredibly cool.
- A drop of heroin boosts the horse's self-esteem, and the hamster feels even cooler.
- A drop of ketamine will give the horse four hours of healthy, peaceful sleep, and the hamster will be out of it for a couple of days.
- A drop of amphetamine will allow the horse to concentrate, and the hamster will become paranoid and agitated.
- A drop of tryptamine will give the horse some colorful hallucinations and a slight bad trip afterward, and the hamster will start growing horns, flowers, and other colorful stuff from its head. For about eight hours.
- A drop of mescaline will shift the horse's point of assembly, and the hamster will turn into a Shai-Hulud. A dwarf one.
- A drop of lysergic acid will open the path to the Matrix for the horse, and for the hamster, it will close the doors to the real world.
С того момента, когда человек начинает задумываться о смысле жизни, его уже можно считать больным. (З. Фрейд)
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Offline Dr.van
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Posts: 215
#269
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Minerva;73029
Many know this phrase: a drop of nicotine kills a horse, and a hamster is torn to pieces. But few know the continuation of this gruesome story:

I would give a 10x reputation boost for this. :smile49: :smile49: :smile49: Awesome!! :smile12: :smile12:
Моё имя останется ввеках :smile24:
Я прошел через сансару многих рождений. Рожденье вновь и вновь — горестно.

Б. ЕЛЬЦИН: "Я ХОТЕЛ, ЧТОБЫ ЛЮДИ БЫЛИ СВОБОДНЫ"
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Offline Dr.van
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Posts: 215
#270
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Evening. Mud. Slush.
A glum line of captured Red-Army-men shuffles before Nestor Makhno's tachanka.
Batka polishes his nails with a diamond file and commands his brave lads:

- Shoot this one! (Shot, scream, sound of a falling body.)

- And shoot this one too. (Shot, scream...)

- Hang this one.

- Shoot this one.

Hearing the sentence, another Red-Army-man falls to the ground and begins to thrash in hysteria, screaming: "No, no!!! I don't want to, please don't!!!"

- Opa! Leave this one alone. He doesn't want to.

Writing on a car "I am an unskilled driver trying to drive fast in a car that can't even brake properly" is long and inconvenient.
They write it simpler: "Street Racer".

A man wakes up after a terrible binge with girls, walks up to the mirror, and sees a string hanging from his mouth; he begins to slowly pull it out, whispering "as long as it's Lipton...."

New virus - "bum"! It just rummages through the Recycle Bin...
Моё имя останется ввеках :smile24:
Я прошел через сансару многих рождений. Рожденье вновь и вновь — горестно.

Б. ЕЛЬЦИН: "Я ХОТЕЛ, ЧТОБЫ ЛЮДИ БЫЛИ СВОБОДНЫ"
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Offline Saruman
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Posts: 878
#271
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Cthulhu, Putin, and Ksenia Sobchak arrived at the factory that produces Giant Humanoid Robots. They were greeted by the factory administration, led by Medved:
- Privet!
- Privet-e-e-e-et! - Ksenia Sobchak cheerfully cackled.
Putin pushed Ksenia aside and kissed Medved on the belly.
Cthulhu stood nearby, thoughtfully waving his tentacles. He really wanted to wake up.

(c) not mine
I was once riding a bus. And at the moment the bus started moving,
a young man jumped onto the footboard. Since, due to the blockade
and the almost COMPLETE lack of light in the republic, the bus was
the only functioning mode of transport (this happened in Armenia, in Yerevan,
in 1993), you can imagine what was happening at the stops
and especially in the buses: a crush, a torrent of swearing, and other delights of our
life at that time. Therefore, people got on any bus without looking,
just to travel a few stops in the right direction. So,
the young man squeezed onto the footboard and grabbed the first thing
that came to hand. This "first thing" turned out to be the ample bosom of a girl
standing by the door. He grabbed her breast and, with a voice hoarse
from the long chase after the departing bus, asked:
- What number?! (Apparently, he meant the bus number)
To which the young lady proudly and quite loudly replied:
- Fourth! What, don't you like it?!
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Offline Dr.van
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Posts: 215
#272
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Walking past the server room, I see our admin conducting a major cleanup. He's dragged a bunch of dead, old hardware, wires, and boxes into the hallway. A couple of curious managers are rummaging through all this junk, looking for "interesting bits." The admin peers out the doorway and, in a firm, commanding voice, says: "Necrophiles, get out of here!!!" Morpheus instructs Neo: "Remember, Neo, there are two ways to enter the Matrix – either with an interface cable in the back of your head, or with a power cable in your..." As everyone knows, alcohol kills brain cells. But only those that refuse to drink. A drunk hedgehog is walking through a swamp and shouting: "Hey, you piece of crap, come out, you piece of crap!" Suddenly, a little animal crawls out of the bushes and says: "Hedgehog, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not 'piece of crap,' it's 'desman'!" Hedgehog: "Well, I'll just start calling every piece of crap by its proper name." A hedgehog emerges from the fog, takes out half a glass of vodka, takes out a knife and sausage, it's good in his native forest. He quietly starts a song, sheds a tear for what didn't come true, looks at the empty glass, and goes back into the fog
Моё имя останется ввеках :smile24:
Я прошел через сансару многих рождений. Рожденье вновь и вновь — горестно.

Б. ЕЛЬЦИН: "Я ХОТЕЛ, ЧТОБЫ ЛЮДИ БЫЛИ СВОБОДНЫ"
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Offline Minerva
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Posts: 133
#273
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Announcements:
"Kitten. High quality. Hardly used, only 2 months old. Comes with everything. Has fur (a cheerful black and white color), paws (4), whiskers (unlimited), and a built-in purring mechanism (Int). This little guy can pee in the litter box, lie on the TV with his tail hanging over the screen, and has boundless energy. The feeding function is simply amazing: it eats bread and pasta with pleasure.
And I'm giving all this away for free, to good people! It's a branded item. No glitches. Can be upgraded. Warranty. Recognizes mice."

"Dog missing. Distinctive features: a 9-year-old boy is tied to its leash."

"I groom cats. Neutering is possible. Basically, whatever works. Phone..."

One man, when a woman came to visit, would immediately say to her at the door:
"Take off your tights. My puppy tears everything up!"
It turned out that the puppy tears up skirts and blouses. And then it turned out that there was no puppy at all. But it was too late...
It's good to have such a puppy!

This masterpiece should be read aloud!!

In one of the Moscow institutes, next to the department of heavy nuclear physics, there is an office with a sign: Deputy Head of the Department of Heavy Nuclear Physics, A.F. Sobakin.
С того момента, когда человек начинает задумываться о смысле жизни, его уже можно считать больным. (З. Фрейд)
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Offline SteN
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Posts: 436
#274
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...Once, during the war, Winston Churchill was inspecting the Air Force to boost the morale of the soldiers. He walks along the runway surrounded by generals and ministers, smoking his pipe. He approaches the fighters where the pilots are standing, and the official introductions begin: - Lieutenant Peterson, 29 years old, married, 3 children... - Captain Jackson, 25 years old, married, 2 children... - Major Thomson, 35 years old, married, 3 children... At the end of the line stands the last pilot - the youngest: - Corporal Wilson, 22 years old, married, 8 children (!)... Churchill
Иногда они возвращаются :smile27:
Бросайте флуд и оффтоп из раздела пятерки в Флудовские ссылки или мне в личку.
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Offline SteN
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Posts: 436
#275
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The word "Post" on a traffic police booth signifies a permanent workplace and has nothing to do with the Christian tradition of abstaining from food, drink, money, and other pleasures... :smile42: :smile42: :smile42:
Иногда они возвращаются :smile27:
Бросайте флуд и оффтоп из раздела пятерки в Флудовские ссылки или мне в личку.
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Offline Nowizard
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Posts: 1,707
#276
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SteN;74661
The word "Post" on a traffic police booth means a stationary workplace and has nothing to do with the Christian tradition of abstaining from food, drink, money, and other pleasures...:smile42: :smile42: :smile42:
So? Similarly, the word "post" on a traffic police booth has nothing to do with the internet.
Бог есть любовь
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Offline Слоныш
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Posts: 2,033
#277
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Stolen from some website... :) A little-known fact is that in some cases, an argument can be quite beneficial. Especially when it comes to arguing couples in our time, the era of email, ICQ, mobile communication, and even, if you will, fax machines. Nowadays, intelligent people don't hit each other over the head with plates, they don't fence with kitchen knives, and even the faithful friend of family scenes, the cast-iron frying pan, has taken a backseat, if not a third place. Moreover, TEFAL has been thinking about us for a long time (no advertising rights). I came across the perfect example of a modern family scene... From: Yulia
Sent: Monday, March 13, 2006 12:01 PM
To: Vasily
Subject: I hate you. Good afternoon, Vasily. I am forced to inform you that you are a scoundrel and an egoist. How could you? And where were you yesterday?! Sincerely, Yulia P.S. Buy some bread: white and black. From: Vasily
Sent: Monday, March 13, 2006 12:10 PM
To: Yulia
Subject: RE: I hate you. Dear Yulia! Are you out of your mind?! I was hanging out with the guys, drinking beer. With best wishes, Vasily P.S. I can't. From: Yulia Good afternoon, Vasily. Vasily, you are rude. Ninka from accounting saw everything. You are nothing, I don't love you anymore. Sincerely, Yulia P.S. Why can't you? From: Vasily Dear Yulia! Sorry, Sweetheart. However, your Ninka is as blind as my third cousin, who is ninety-five years old. I was with the guys, I swear by my snowboard. I won't do it again. With best wishes, Vasily P.S. And why is it always me? From: Yulia Good afternoon, Vasily. Perhaps Nina is a little nearsighted, but not so much that she couldn't see your "guys" wearing size three bras and Pollini boots, which, by the way, cost 900 dollars. By the way, I never received a gift for March 8th. You lied. Sincerely, Yulia P.S. Pack your things and get out. From: Vasily Dear Yulia! Baby, why are you so upset? Ninka was a little mistaken. First, Sveta has a size two, second, she's ugly and my secretary, and third, where can I buy your Pollini? With best wishes, Vasily P.S. I'll buy some bread and a cake. I love you. From: Yulia Good afternoon, Vasily. GUM, 2nd line, 2nd floor. Tell your secretary that next time I'll spit in her neckline. Right in her size two! Sincerely, Yulia P.S. And some candy. THE END
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Offline Nowizard
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Posts: 1,707
#278
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Slonysh;74824
Stolen from some website... :)

It's a little-known fact that in some cases, an argument can be quite beneficial. Especially when it comes to arguing couples in our time, the era of email, ICQ, mobile communication, and even, if you will, fax machines. Nowadays, intelligent people don't hit each other over the head with plates, they don't duel with kitchen knives, and even the trusty friend of family scenes, the cast-iron frying pan, has taken a backseat, if not a third place. Moreover, TEFAL is already thinking about us (no advertising rights). I came across the perfect example of a modern family scene...

From: Yulia
Sent: Monday, March 13, 2006 12:01 PM
To: Vasily
Subject: I hate you.

Good afternoon, Vasily.
I must inform you that you are a scoundrel and an egoist.
How could you? And where were you yesterday?!

Sincerely,
Yulia
P.S. Buy some bread: white and black.

From: Vasily
Sent: Monday, March 13, 2006 12:10 PM
To: Yulia
Subject: RE: I hate you.

Dear Yulia!
Are you out of your mind?! I was hanging out with the guys, drinking beer.

Best regards,
Vasily
P.S. I can't.

From: Yulia

Good afternoon, Vasily.

Vasily, you're a boor. Ninka from accounting saw everything.
You're nothing, I don't love you anymore.

Sincerely,
Yulia
P.S. Why can't you?

From: Vasily

Dear Yulia!

Sorry, Sweetheart. However, your Ninka is as blind as my third cousin, who is ninety-five years old. I was with the guys, I swear by my snowboard. I won't do it again.

Best regards,
Vasily
P.S. Why do I have to do everything?

From: Yulia

Good afternoon, Vasily.

Perhaps Nina is a little nearsighted, but not so much that she couldn't see the third-size bust and Pollini boots on your "guys," which, by the way, cost 900 dollars. By the way, I never received a gift for March 8th. You lied.

Sincerely,
Yulia
P.S. Pack your things and get out.

From: Vasily

Dear Yulia!

Baby, why are you so upset? Ninka was a little mistaken. First, Sveta has a size two, second, she's ugly and my secretary, and third, where can I buy your Pollini?

Best regards,
Vasily
P.S. I'll buy some bread and a cake. I love you.

From: Yulia

Good afternoon, Vasily.

GUM, 2nd line, 2nd floor. Tell your secretary that next time I'll spit in her neckline. Right in the size two!

Sincerely,
Yulia
P.S. And some candy.

THE END
Put it in a frame and... Wait, haven't I said this somewhere before...? :D
Бог есть любовь
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