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Dentist:
- That's it, patient, here is your tooth!
Patient:
- Thank you, doctor, and here is the armrest from your chair...
A man got lost in the forest. He stands there screaming: "Hello! Hello! Hello!"
Someone taps him on the shoulder from behind. He turns around—it's a bear.
Bear: "Man, why are you screaming?"
Man: "I'm lost, maybe someone will hear me."
Bear: "Well, I heard you; do you feel any better now?"
- I had a terrible dream today! It was as if I put my finger in my mouth—and there wasn't a single tooth!
- Lyusya, you probably put your finger in the wrong place..
The Russian folk holiday "Negotiating for New Year's" is celebrated every first, second, and third weekend of December!
And recently Sidorov saw how Ivanova liked Petrov behind the garages.
Two female friends meet and one asks the other:
- When you give your husband a blowjob, do you see his eyes?
- No, I'm busy with something else entirely at that time. Did you see them?
- Yes. I'm giving him a blowjob. My husband walks in. His eyes are like two frying pans.
- Miss, what will happen if I kiss you?
- Have you studied anatomy? Nothing will happen, nothing!
Success at 5 years old—waking up in a dry bed.
Success at 17 years old—managing to sleep with a woman.
Success at 25 years old—finding a good wife.
Success at 35 years old—making a career and starting a family.
Success at 45 years old—not ruining the family and career.
Success at 55 years old—finding a good wife.
Success at 65 years old—managing to sleep with a woman.
Success at 85 years old—waking up in a dry bed.
A 15-year-old son comes home and brings along a half-drunk homeless woman of indeterminate age:
- Mom, Dad, meet Stepanida, my fiancée. She's 8 months pregnant and will be living with us!
Pause:
- I was joking!
- Oh, son, you're such a joker!
-: I joked, her name is Tanya!
A man enters a store:
- Give me a bottle of mineral water.
- To go?
- No, without you.
***Petrovich***
Demonstration performances by parachutists from the local aero club at some large aviation festival. The team technician—Petrovich—after seeing off the last batch of athletes in bright jumpsuits into the old An-2, decided he could finally relax. He entered a dilapidated 2x2 shed located on the edge of the airfield, where various useless junk was stored, carefully closed the door, took a flask of port wine from an external dwelling and, wiping his hands on his jumpsuit—which was bright yellow like the rest of the team's—began to slice tomatoes. The final act of the athletes' demonstration program was a stunt called "Aerial Rescue." The essence was as follows: a dummy in a jumpsuit is thrown from the plane, simulating either a passenger who fell along the way or a parachutist with a malfunctioning parachute. An athlete jumps next, catches up to the dummy in the air, hugs it, opens their own parachute, and both land to thunderous applause from the spectators. The spectators gathered on the airfield enjoyed watching the aviators' stunts, snacking on shashliks and drinking refreshments and other beverages. Finally, the last act. A person separates from the plane and flies toward the ground; another jumps out next and rushes after him. The crowd freezes. The second parachutist masterfully catches up to the first and grabs him by the arm. At that moment, either a gust of wind or some other reason tears the athletes apart. That's it, no more time. The second one, waving goodbye to his comrade, opens the parachute. The people, unaware of the trick, are stunned. The body of the first rushes toward the ground and crashes at high speed into the dilapidated shed on the outskirts of the airfield. Clouds of dust, slate fragments, and old boards soared where the shed once stood. An ambulance, siren blaring, races to the scene of the tragedy, not really expecting to be able to help anyone anymore.
People run after it. Before a large pile of boards, everyone stops in hesitation. Suddenly, the boards begin to move, and Petrovich crawls out from under them in his bright yellow flight jumpsuit—soaked in port wine and smeared with tomatoes—looks around wildly, and shouting curses, shakes his fist at the departing plane:
- You fucking rescuers! If you can't catch him, don't make fools of people! I'm not working for you cunts anymore!!!
They say that after these words, the ambulance doctor fainted.
Added 1 minute later
Whoever has not known the same agony of a hangover does not know the taste of water!
On January 1st, the phone rings in an apartment. After the fourteenth ring, the owner picks up and screams:
- Well, what kind of asshole is calling at 4 PM in the morning?!
- I had a case in the village.
- Basically.
- Daughter is three years old.
- Doctor, something hurts somewhere.
- Now I'll prescribe you some pills.
A gentleman and a lady are in a restaurant. The waiter is half-bent:
- What would you like?
- Something exotic, please.
- Hm, how about a rabid sheep soaked in tequila?
- I assume she will order for herself...
A stoned junkie gets into a crowded bus, pushes everyone aside, forces his way to the middle and sits on an old woman's lap. She pushes him off and screams:
- Shame on you! Pushing everyone aside, and then sitting on me!
He looks around in confusion and says with horror:
- Who is here?
Mom called. Listened for 58 minutes about her primroses.
A childhood friend called. 42 minutes. Now the sandbox is bigger and the toys are more expensive.
Brother called. 38 minutes. Told him "No".
Wife called. Spent 23 minutes explaining how to change a tire.
Someone called. 12 seconds. Wrong number.
Boss called. Didn't pick up.
Three boys are arguing over who has the better memory.
The 1st says:
- I remember my first day in nursery school.
The 2nd says:
- That's nothing, I remember my first day in the maternity ward.
The 3rd:
- This is all nonsense, guys; I remember going to the disco with my dad and returning with my mom.
A student comes home for vacation and screams from the doorway:
- Mom, I have a boy now!
- My joy, and where does he study?
- What do you mean? He's only two months old!
Man on the operating table:
- Doctor, did you forget about the anesthesia?...
- Anesthesia? Why do you need anesthesia? When you see what I'm doing to you, you'll pass out on your own...
- What happens if you combine Nemiroff and Tinkoff?
- Ershoff!
***Cop, Pug, and Period***
All non-expert complaints addressed to our dearly beloved police regarding their slow mobility are unjustifiably exaggerated. Total bullshit in general. Here is a rebuttal for you.
An acquaintance told me: there's a senior lieutenant serving in the police. One evening after a working day, he went into a local bar. There he happened to meet a girl. She invited him over for dinner, hinting that she was excellent at making breakfasts.
The senior lieutenant is quite the player and, without getting into deep conversations, enthusiastically accepted the offer.
How the night went, history remains silent, but in the morning, around 7 o'clock, with a wild frightened scream, the lady wakes the senior lieutenant and informs him that her husband is standing half a meter from the front door, nervously pressing the doorbell. Pants, shirt, shoes, and jacket were quickly and sloppily thrown on during the path from the bed to the window. A simple matter, already practiced.
It was winter; snow had piled up to the ears that day. An old lady went out in the morning to walk her dog. A local alcoholic thug—not a small guy—started bothering her. Clinging to the sleeve of her coat, he aggressively begged for a tiny bit of money for a hangover cure. The old woman, obviously realizing she couldn't get away or break free, screams: "Police, for fuck's sake, help!"
Suddenly, from a 3rd-floor window, flashing his cockade and swearing like a sailor, a cop dives straight into a snowdrift.
The old lady is stunned, standing there with her mouth open. The senior lieutenant, climbing out of the snow, quickly grasps the situation and immediately slams the bum's head into the icy asphalt, while asking the old woman: "Mother, didn't wait too long for the police, did you?"
Meanwhile, the girl's husband, entering the apartment, realizes something is wrong. Seeing a man's sock—clearly not his own—lying by the sofa and an open balcony door, he darts to the balcony like a bullet and sees a cop below putting some guy who is swearing loudly flat on his back. Thinking that the cop has mistaken a thief for a burglar and is therefore packing him up, the husband runs down the stairs, rejoicing that he finally has a chance to carry out retribution. Since such situations are not new in this family, but in the absence of her spouse's body she always managed to wiggle out, luck had finally arrived. The body was present and pinned. Flying out of the entrance, he tries on the run to plant his boot on the head of the pinned guy, but, slipping, kicks the cop right in the skull with all his might. The cop, thinking "Fuck, it didn't work, he figured it out and saw everything," does a flip from a "standing on all fours" position into a "lying on back on all fours" pose and simultaneously sinks into ringing darkness. Suddenly finding himself free, the bum jumps up from the ground, wiping blood-stained snot from his broken nose, and sees—as he thinks—his tormentor: some dandy in a crookedly put-on hat and glasses, with bulging eyes and a stupidly happy crooked smile on his face; saying "You piece of shit, you fucking protector!", he hits him with a hook remaining from his athletic youth, knocking him into a deep knockout. Before he can decide whether to kick the defeated enemy once or twice for control, he hears a woman's scream from above and raises his mangled face toward the source of the sound. Without even having time to understand what that black dot separating from the balcony was, which grew so large it blocked out the sky, he lost consciousness. The old lady, who hadn't had time to be shocked by the mobility of the police but was shocked by the kaleidoscope of men appearing from nowhere and falling lifelessly, fell into a deep faint; moreover, while falling, she practically killed her pug with her head—a dog that had already long since and terribly shat itself from all this shuffle and swearing. Period. And as for that period... basically, such a thing happened along the way..
The panicked spouse, shitting herself at the sight of her enraged botanist husband, and watching him fly out of the apartment screaming "I'll bury that faggot!", rushed to the balcony. From above, she sees only the cop standing on all fours and the old lady with bulging eyes with a hysterically shitting pug on a leash. Then her pincher-like husband flies out of the entrance with his hat knocked sideways, who, with a running start, puts out the lieutenant with a kick to the head. Gasping at such unseen agility, she realizes that her husband, in euphoria, if he continues the punitive action, will land himself a prison term; and realizing that he must be stopped somehow, she grabs an enameled pot of sauerkraut with a stone inside for weight standing on the balcony, without having time to see what's currently below, and wildly screaming, throws the pot toward the man standing below—obviously not having time to realize it was no longer the same person.
The police and ambulance that arrived never figured out the sequence and motives of what happened. The old lady and the girl remained silent like Indians captured by conquistadors. The girl on purpose, the old lady due to sudden amnesia. The others sincerely couldn't remember a damn thing properly.
- That's it, patient, here is your tooth!
Patient:
- Thank you, doctor, and here is the armrest from your chair...
A man got lost in the forest. He stands there screaming: "Hello! Hello! Hello!"
Someone taps him on the shoulder from behind. He turns around—it's a bear.
Bear: "Man, why are you screaming?"
Man: "I'm lost, maybe someone will hear me."
Bear: "Well, I heard you; do you feel any better now?"
- I had a terrible dream today! It was as if I put my finger in my mouth—and there wasn't a single tooth!
- Lyusya, you probably put your finger in the wrong place..
The Russian folk holiday "Negotiating for New Year's" is celebrated every first, second, and third weekend of December!
And recently Sidorov saw how Ivanova liked Petrov behind the garages.
Two female friends meet and one asks the other:
- When you give your husband a blowjob, do you see his eyes?
- No, I'm busy with something else entirely at that time. Did you see them?
- Yes. I'm giving him a blowjob. My husband walks in. His eyes are like two frying pans.
- Miss, what will happen if I kiss you?
- Have you studied anatomy? Nothing will happen, nothing!
Success at 5 years old—waking up in a dry bed.
Success at 17 years old—managing to sleep with a woman.
Success at 25 years old—finding a good wife.
Success at 35 years old—making a career and starting a family.
Success at 45 years old—not ruining the family and career.
Success at 55 years old—finding a good wife.
Success at 65 years old—managing to sleep with a woman.
Success at 85 years old—waking up in a dry bed.
A 15-year-old son comes home and brings along a half-drunk homeless woman of indeterminate age:
- Mom, Dad, meet Stepanida, my fiancée. She's 8 months pregnant and will be living with us!
Pause:
- I was joking!
- Oh, son, you're such a joker!
-: I joked, her name is Tanya!
A man enters a store:
- Give me a bottle of mineral water.
- To go?
- No, without you.
***Petrovich***
Demonstration performances by parachutists from the local aero club at some large aviation festival. The team technician—Petrovich—after seeing off the last batch of athletes in bright jumpsuits into the old An-2, decided he could finally relax. He entered a dilapidated 2x2 shed located on the edge of the airfield, where various useless junk was stored, carefully closed the door, took a flask of port wine from an external dwelling and, wiping his hands on his jumpsuit—which was bright yellow like the rest of the team's—began to slice tomatoes. The final act of the athletes' demonstration program was a stunt called "Aerial Rescue." The essence was as follows: a dummy in a jumpsuit is thrown from the plane, simulating either a passenger who fell along the way or a parachutist with a malfunctioning parachute. An athlete jumps next, catches up to the dummy in the air, hugs it, opens their own parachute, and both land to thunderous applause from the spectators. The spectators gathered on the airfield enjoyed watching the aviators' stunts, snacking on shashliks and drinking refreshments and other beverages. Finally, the last act. A person separates from the plane and flies toward the ground; another jumps out next and rushes after him. The crowd freezes. The second parachutist masterfully catches up to the first and grabs him by the arm. At that moment, either a gust of wind or some other reason tears the athletes apart. That's it, no more time. The second one, waving goodbye to his comrade, opens the parachute. The people, unaware of the trick, are stunned. The body of the first rushes toward the ground and crashes at high speed into the dilapidated shed on the outskirts of the airfield. Clouds of dust, slate fragments, and old boards soared where the shed once stood. An ambulance, siren blaring, races to the scene of the tragedy, not really expecting to be able to help anyone anymore.
People run after it. Before a large pile of boards, everyone stops in hesitation. Suddenly, the boards begin to move, and Petrovich crawls out from under them in his bright yellow flight jumpsuit—soaked in port wine and smeared with tomatoes—looks around wildly, and shouting curses, shakes his fist at the departing plane:
- You fucking rescuers! If you can't catch him, don't make fools of people! I'm not working for you cunts anymore!!!
They say that after these words, the ambulance doctor fainted.
Added 1 minute later
Whoever has not known the same agony of a hangover does not know the taste of water!
On January 1st, the phone rings in an apartment. After the fourteenth ring, the owner picks up and screams:
- Well, what kind of asshole is calling at 4 PM in the morning?!
- I had a case in the village.
- Basically.
- Daughter is three years old.
- Doctor, something hurts somewhere.
- Now I'll prescribe you some pills.
A gentleman and a lady are in a restaurant. The waiter is half-bent:
- What would you like?
- Something exotic, please.
- Hm, how about a rabid sheep soaked in tequila?
- I assume she will order for herself...
A stoned junkie gets into a crowded bus, pushes everyone aside, forces his way to the middle and sits on an old woman's lap. She pushes him off and screams:
- Shame on you! Pushing everyone aside, and then sitting on me!
He looks around in confusion and says with horror:
- Who is here?
Mom called. Listened for 58 minutes about her primroses.
A childhood friend called. 42 minutes. Now the sandbox is bigger and the toys are more expensive.
Brother called. 38 minutes. Told him "No".
Wife called. Spent 23 minutes explaining how to change a tire.
Someone called. 12 seconds. Wrong number.
Boss called. Didn't pick up.
Three boys are arguing over who has the better memory.
The 1st says:
- I remember my first day in nursery school.
The 2nd says:
- That's nothing, I remember my first day in the maternity ward.
The 3rd:
- This is all nonsense, guys; I remember going to the disco with my dad and returning with my mom.
A student comes home for vacation and screams from the doorway:
- Mom, I have a boy now!
- My joy, and where does he study?
- What do you mean? He's only two months old!
Man on the operating table:
- Doctor, did you forget about the anesthesia?...
- Anesthesia? Why do you need anesthesia? When you see what I'm doing to you, you'll pass out on your own...
- What happens if you combine Nemiroff and Tinkoff?
- Ershoff!
***Cop, Pug, and Period***
All non-expert complaints addressed to our dearly beloved police regarding their slow mobility are unjustifiably exaggerated. Total bullshit in general. Here is a rebuttal for you.
An acquaintance told me: there's a senior lieutenant serving in the police. One evening after a working day, he went into a local bar. There he happened to meet a girl. She invited him over for dinner, hinting that she was excellent at making breakfasts.
The senior lieutenant is quite the player and, without getting into deep conversations, enthusiastically accepted the offer.
How the night went, history remains silent, but in the morning, around 7 o'clock, with a wild frightened scream, the lady wakes the senior lieutenant and informs him that her husband is standing half a meter from the front door, nervously pressing the doorbell. Pants, shirt, shoes, and jacket were quickly and sloppily thrown on during the path from the bed to the window. A simple matter, already practiced.
It was winter; snow had piled up to the ears that day. An old lady went out in the morning to walk her dog. A local alcoholic thug—not a small guy—started bothering her. Clinging to the sleeve of her coat, he aggressively begged for a tiny bit of money for a hangover cure. The old woman, obviously realizing she couldn't get away or break free, screams: "Police, for fuck's sake, help!"
Suddenly, from a 3rd-floor window, flashing his cockade and swearing like a sailor, a cop dives straight into a snowdrift.
The old lady is stunned, standing there with her mouth open. The senior lieutenant, climbing out of the snow, quickly grasps the situation and immediately slams the bum's head into the icy asphalt, while asking the old woman: "Mother, didn't wait too long for the police, did you?"
Meanwhile, the girl's husband, entering the apartment, realizes something is wrong. Seeing a man's sock—clearly not his own—lying by the sofa and an open balcony door, he darts to the balcony like a bullet and sees a cop below putting some guy who is swearing loudly flat on his back. Thinking that the cop has mistaken a thief for a burglar and is therefore packing him up, the husband runs down the stairs, rejoicing that he finally has a chance to carry out retribution. Since such situations are not new in this family, but in the absence of her spouse's body she always managed to wiggle out, luck had finally arrived. The body was present and pinned. Flying out of the entrance, he tries on the run to plant his boot on the head of the pinned guy, but, slipping, kicks the cop right in the skull with all his might. The cop, thinking "Fuck, it didn't work, he figured it out and saw everything," does a flip from a "standing on all fours" position into a "lying on back on all fours" pose and simultaneously sinks into ringing darkness. Suddenly finding himself free, the bum jumps up from the ground, wiping blood-stained snot from his broken nose, and sees—as he thinks—his tormentor: some dandy in a crookedly put-on hat and glasses, with bulging eyes and a stupidly happy crooked smile on his face; saying "You piece of shit, you fucking protector!", he hits him with a hook remaining from his athletic youth, knocking him into a deep knockout. Before he can decide whether to kick the defeated enemy once or twice for control, he hears a woman's scream from above and raises his mangled face toward the source of the sound. Without even having time to understand what that black dot separating from the balcony was, which grew so large it blocked out the sky, he lost consciousness. The old lady, who hadn't had time to be shocked by the mobility of the police but was shocked by the kaleidoscope of men appearing from nowhere and falling lifelessly, fell into a deep faint; moreover, while falling, she practically killed her pug with her head—a dog that had already long since and terribly shat itself from all this shuffle and swearing. Period. And as for that period... basically, such a thing happened along the way..
The panicked spouse, shitting herself at the sight of her enraged botanist husband, and watching him fly out of the apartment screaming "I'll bury that faggot!", rushed to the balcony. From above, she sees only the cop standing on all fours and the old lady with bulging eyes with a hysterically shitting pug on a leash. Then her pincher-like husband flies out of the entrance with his hat knocked sideways, who, with a running start, puts out the lieutenant with a kick to the head. Gasping at such unseen agility, she realizes that her husband, in euphoria, if he continues the punitive action, will land himself a prison term; and realizing that he must be stopped somehow, she grabs an enameled pot of sauerkraut with a stone inside for weight standing on the balcony, without having time to see what's currently below, and wildly screaming, throws the pot toward the man standing below—obviously not having time to realize it was no longer the same person.
The police and ambulance that arrived never figured out the sequence and motives of what happened. The old lady and the girl remained silent like Indians captured by conquistadors. The girl on purpose, the old lady due to sudden amnesia. The others sincerely couldn't remember a damn thing properly.
Tengro
Auto-translated
Jozefina
Dear admin, I changed my profile so that the administrators and moderators of the forum wouldn't touch it! Please make everything as it was before! I don't need your drawings! Unfortunately, I am used to living honestly, unlike some people who are reading this letter!!!
Sincerely, Bilyk Ekaterina Evgenievna.
Uhuhuh
Dear Ekaterina Evgenievna!
As it turns out from your posts on the forum, your main goal is to increase the number of posts, and not to communicate and discuss the gameplay. To avoid further complaints from you, the forum administrator, in my person, decided to give you the maximum possible number of posts in the hope that now at least some of your messages will carry semantic content.
Sincerely, Uhuhuh.
Jozefin'a before moderation:
Posts: 204
After moderation:
Posts: 999 999
Title: I have the most posts! I'm the coolest!
Dear admin, I changed my profile so that the administrators and moderators of the forum wouldn't touch it! Please make everything as it was before! I don't need your drawings! Unfortunately, I am used to living honestly, unlike some people who are reading this letter!!!
Sincerely, Bilyk Ekaterina Evgenievna.
Uhuhuh
Dear Ekaterina Evgenievna!
As it turns out from your posts on the forum, your main goal is to increase the number of posts, and not to communicate and discuss the gameplay. To avoid further complaints from you, the forum administrator, in my person, decided to give you the maximum possible number of posts in the hope that now at least some of your messages will carry semantic content.
Sincerely, Uhuhuh.
Jozefin'a before moderation:
Posts: 204
After moderation:
Posts: 999 999
Title: I have the most posts! I'm the coolest!
Inquisitor
Auto-translated
Strength in unity
:smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17:
Dark Templars
:smile28: :smile28: :smile28: :smile28: :smile24:
Soul Hunters
:smile15: :smile15: :smile15: :smile15:
Phoenix Order
:cool: :smile49:
Tournament Fighters League
:smile14: :smile13: :smile17: :smile51: :smile13: :smile33:
Haven
:smile51: :smile53: - :smile16: :smile13: :smile13: - :smile36: :smile36:
Man to man
:smile41: :smile29: - :smile04: :smile36:
Yan-Lo-Wang
:smile25: :smile25: :smile25: :smile11:
Guardians of Illiara
:smile38: :smile38: :smile52: :smile38: :smile38:
Dungeon Rangers
:smile35: (he is trying to get out)
Undead Alliance
:smile19: :smile34: :smile19: :smile34: :smile19: :smile34:
Keepers of the Necronomicon
:smile10: :smile24: :smile06: :smile24: :smile10:
Knights of the Apocalypse
:smile51: - :smile11: - :smile16: - :smile36: - :smile42:
Vampires
:smile24: :smile24: :smile24: :smile24: :smile24:
:smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17: :smile17:
Dark Templars
:smile28: :smile28: :smile28: :smile28: :smile24:
Soul Hunters
:smile15: :smile15: :smile15: :smile15:
Phoenix Order
:cool: :smile49:
Tournament Fighters League
:smile14: :smile13: :smile17: :smile51: :smile13: :smile33:
Haven
:smile51: :smile53: - :smile16: :smile13: :smile13: - :smile36: :smile36:
Man to man
:smile41: :smile29: - :smile04: :smile36:
Yan-Lo-Wang
:smile25: :smile25: :smile25: :smile11:
Guardians of Illiara
:smile38: :smile38: :smile52: :smile38: :smile38:
Dungeon Rangers
:smile35: (he is trying to get out)
Undead Alliance
:smile19: :smile34: :smile19: :smile34: :smile19: :smile34:
Keepers of the Necronomicon
:smile10: :smile24: :smile06: :smile24: :smile10:
Knights of the Apocalypse
:smile51: - :smile11: - :smile16: - :smile36: - :smile42:
Vampires
:smile24: :smile24: :smile24: :smile24: :smile24:
Amko
Auto-translated
- Doctor, should I bring slippers to the hospital?
- And what color are they?
- Why are the knives so dull in your restaurant?
- Because the kitchen cooks so terribly, and the prices are so high, the waiters refuse to work if the customers have sharp knives.
A grumpy producer, looking at the dejected film crew:
- So, whose brilliant idea was it to film this scene in the forest, with an actor dressed as a moose, on the opening day of moose hunting season?
I almost killed my wife today.
I come home, and there's a floppy disk attached to the refrigerator with a magnet, and a note:
"Honey, here's your floppy disk with the important documents you were looking for all evening yesterday"...
My friend just called, asked what I was doing, and I said I was taking Sveta to her dorm, and I've already driven around the ring three times. She's asleep, and I'm waiting for them to close her dorm. She said if we don't make it, she'll come to my place.
- And what color are they?
- Why are the knives so dull in your restaurant?
- Because the kitchen cooks so terribly, and the prices are so high, the waiters refuse to work if the customers have sharp knives.
A grumpy producer, looking at the dejected film crew:
- So, whose brilliant idea was it to film this scene in the forest, with an actor dressed as a moose, on the opening day of moose hunting season?
I almost killed my wife today.
I come home, and there's a floppy disk attached to the refrigerator with a magnet, and a note:
"Honey, here's your floppy disk with the important documents you were looking for all evening yesterday"...
My friend just called, asked what I was doing, and I said I was taking Sveta to her dorm, and I've already driven around the ring three times. She's asleep, and I'm waiting for them to close her dorm. She said if we don't make it, she'll come to my place.
Слоныш
Auto-translated
Questions about worldview: :rolleyes:
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: In search of better conditions.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and the fact that we dropped 50 tons of nerve gas on them was perfectly justified.
JACK NICHOLSON: Because they wanted to, damn it. That's the damn reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.
HIPPOCRATES: Due to an excess of bile in the pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING: I have a dream that one day all chickens will be able to cross the street freely, and no one will ask them why they did it.
MOSES: And God came down from heaven and said to the chickens, "You shall cross the road." And the chickens crossed the road and celebrated this event with a great feast.
FOX MULDER: You saw them crossing the street with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the street before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chickens did not cross the road. I repeat, the chickens DID NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chickens crossed the road! Who cares why? The end justifies any means they used.
FREUD: The fact that you are all concerned about chickens crossing the road reveals your hidden sexual complexes.
BILL GATES: I just released a new Chicken Office 2000, which not only crosses the road, but also lays eggs, organizes your files, and pays your bills.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not why the chickens crossed the road, but rather, who was crossing the road while we were watching the chickens cross it?
DARWIN: Chickens, over a long period of time, have undergone natural selection in such a way that they are genetically predisposed to cross streets.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chickens crossed the road or the road moved under the chickens depends on your point of view.
BUDDHA: Imagine yourself as a chicken and ask yourself this question
eXeCuToR
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How fans of different music genres take exams:
PUNK ROCK: A student walks in wearing a black jacket, completely drunk and missing teeth, spits on the floor, pees on the table with the exam tickets, slightly splashing the professor, burps, and lies down to sleep.
TRASH METAL: A student stumbles into the classroom, devours the exam ticket, answers irrelevant questions, and leaves.
HEAVY METAL: A student arrives on a chopper, completely drunk, finishes a bottle of beer upon entering, throws it on the professor's table, takes the ticket, burps loudly, answers, and leaves.
DEATH METAL: A student walks in, kills the professor, and leaves.
BLACK METAL: The student arrives at night, ties up the professor, and hangs him from the ceiling, after which he brutally tortures him, splashing the table with blood and drawing a pentagram with infant blood.
GORE METAL: The student enters the classroom, has sex with the professor, then kills him, has sex again, dissects the body, and devours the entrails, smears the remains around the classroom, and has sex again.
DOOM METAL: The student takes the exam ticket but realizes he will never be able to answer the questions, falls into depression, and kills himself. His corpse is then sexually assaulted by everyone present.
PROGRESSIVE METAL: The student arrives with a guitar and plays a 26-minute solo, after which the professor dies of boredom.
GLAM METAL: The professor laughs hysterically at the student's appearance and gives him an "excellent" grade. The student collects makeup from the female students present and paints the exam tickets pink.
GRINDCORE: The student walks in, waves his arms around for about two minutes, shouts something incoherent, and then leaves.
NU METAL: The student gets his pants caught on the door and cannot enter the classroom.
INDUSTRIAL: The student walks in covered in dirt and grime, curses, and is escorted out by security guards.
GOTHIC METAL: The student arrives in a black carriage, enters the classroom, adjusts his makeup, and displays an air of pretentiousness, falls into depression, and starts crying. Then he remembers death and falls into depression again. He takes the ticket, sees that it's not cool, and falls into a pretentious depression. The professor, realizing this, also falls into depression. All the students taking the exam fall into depression and cry. The exam was a failure; this world is imperfect.
RUSSIAN ROCK: A group of students enters, constantly yielding to each other and treating each other to beer, collect 2-3 rubles from everyone present, take the exam together, and leave on a tram, rocking it back and forth.
RAP: The student walks in, carrying a boombox and a trash can, sets the trash on fire, and sits down next to it. He takes the ticket and tries to answer in rhyme.
RUSSIAN RAP: The student sends a letter from Rostov-on-Don, where he writes that difficult times are testing him, so he cannot come, but he will not forget his roots and will be worthy.
TECHNO: The student does not come.
DRUM AND BASS: The student walks in wearing headphones and surrounded by friends who are not from this university. They sniff cocaine off the exam tickets, one collapses from an overdose, two start twitching, hearing one of the students tapping a pen on the desk. The student throws away the tickets and puts flyers for Black Sun Empire in their place.
PSYCHEDELIC: The student takes the exam while sitting in the hallway opposite a wall and picking at the remnants of mushrooms.
HARDCORE: The student kicks down the door with his head, starts twitching violently and running around the classroom, shouting something, and then collapses dead.
ACID: The student walks in, takes the ticket, answers, but no one can understand him.
IDM: The student walks in, takes the ticket, answers, but no one can understand him. Then he says that everyone here is too stupid for him and leaves.
ALTERNATIVE: The student puts Limp Bizkit on a boombox, steals a saxophone, and, swearing loudly in English, has sex with the vocalist. But after 5 minutes, he is taken away by the New York police.
EXPERIMENTAL: The student sits down to answer, spouts complete nonsense, sometimes shouts something, throws a Viking axe on the table, sniffs a line of cocaine, eats a mushroom, asks the vocalist to sing something, and sometimes blows into the saxophone. No one understands anything, but he is given a "pass" and told that he has all the opportunities to become an excellent student.
GROOVE: The student comes and starts having sex with everyone.
POP: A student in glamorous attire walks in, adjusts her hair, squeals to the professor, "I want your child!", takes the ticket, and shoves it and a silver marker at the professor. She doesn't understand anything the professor is trying to say, then loses a badge with Dima Bilan on it and throws a tantrum, threatening to call her father. After receiving a "fail," she leaves to have sex with the dean.
RNB: The student walks in but immediately falls, tripping over a chain hanging around his neck. Then a rapper steals his fur coat, beret, and glasses. The student feels completely worthless and leaves.
NAZI MARCHES: A shaved student walks in, writes "Russia for Russians!" on the wall, steals the rapper's belongings, tries to take the exam, but receives a "fail" and beats up the professor with Camel cigarettes.
SKA: The student steals a skateboard from a skinhead and successfully takes the exam
PUNK ROCK: A student walks in wearing a black jacket, completely drunk and missing teeth, spits on the floor, pees on the table with the exam tickets, slightly splashing the professor, burps, and lies down to sleep.
TRASH METAL: A student stumbles into the classroom, devours the exam ticket, answers irrelevant questions, and leaves.
HEAVY METAL: A student arrives on a chopper, completely drunk, finishes a bottle of beer upon entering, throws it on the professor's table, takes the ticket, burps loudly, answers, and leaves.
DEATH METAL: A student walks in, kills the professor, and leaves.
BLACK METAL: The student arrives at night, ties up the professor, and hangs him from the ceiling, after which he brutally tortures him, splashing the table with blood and drawing a pentagram with infant blood.
GORE METAL: The student enters the classroom, has sex with the professor, then kills him, has sex again, dissects the body, and devours the entrails, smears the remains around the classroom, and has sex again.
DOOM METAL: The student takes the exam ticket but realizes he will never be able to answer the questions, falls into depression, and kills himself. His corpse is then sexually assaulted by everyone present.
PROGRESSIVE METAL: The student arrives with a guitar and plays a 26-minute solo, after which the professor dies of boredom.
GLAM METAL: The professor laughs hysterically at the student's appearance and gives him an "excellent" grade. The student collects makeup from the female students present and paints the exam tickets pink.
GRINDCORE: The student walks in, waves his arms around for about two minutes, shouts something incoherent, and then leaves.
NU METAL: The student gets his pants caught on the door and cannot enter the classroom.
INDUSTRIAL: The student walks in covered in dirt and grime, curses, and is escorted out by security guards.
GOTHIC METAL: The student arrives in a black carriage, enters the classroom, adjusts his makeup, and displays an air of pretentiousness, falls into depression, and starts crying. Then he remembers death and falls into depression again. He takes the ticket, sees that it's not cool, and falls into a pretentious depression. The professor, realizing this, also falls into depression. All the students taking the exam fall into depression and cry. The exam was a failure; this world is imperfect.
RUSSIAN ROCK: A group of students enters, constantly yielding to each other and treating each other to beer, collect 2-3 rubles from everyone present, take the exam together, and leave on a tram, rocking it back and forth.
RAP: The student walks in, carrying a boombox and a trash can, sets the trash on fire, and sits down next to it. He takes the ticket and tries to answer in rhyme.
RUSSIAN RAP: The student sends a letter from Rostov-on-Don, where he writes that difficult times are testing him, so he cannot come, but he will not forget his roots and will be worthy.
TECHNO: The student does not come.
DRUM AND BASS: The student walks in wearing headphones and surrounded by friends who are not from this university. They sniff cocaine off the exam tickets, one collapses from an overdose, two start twitching, hearing one of the students tapping a pen on the desk. The student throws away the tickets and puts flyers for Black Sun Empire in their place.
PSYCHEDELIC: The student takes the exam while sitting in the hallway opposite a wall and picking at the remnants of mushrooms.
HARDCORE: The student kicks down the door with his head, starts twitching violently and running around the classroom, shouting something, and then collapses dead.
ACID: The student walks in, takes the ticket, answers, but no one can understand him.
IDM: The student walks in, takes the ticket, answers, but no one can understand him. Then he says that everyone here is too stupid for him and leaves.
ALTERNATIVE: The student puts Limp Bizkit on a boombox, steals a saxophone, and, swearing loudly in English, has sex with the vocalist. But after 5 minutes, he is taken away by the New York police.
EXPERIMENTAL: The student sits down to answer, spouts complete nonsense, sometimes shouts something, throws a Viking axe on the table, sniffs a line of cocaine, eats a mushroom, asks the vocalist to sing something, and sometimes blows into the saxophone. No one understands anything, but he is given a "pass" and told that he has all the opportunities to become an excellent student.
GROOVE: The student comes and starts having sex with everyone.
POP: A student in glamorous attire walks in, adjusts her hair, squeals to the professor, "I want your child!", takes the ticket, and shoves it and a silver marker at the professor. She doesn't understand anything the professor is trying to say, then loses a badge with Dima Bilan on it and throws a tantrum, threatening to call her father. After receiving a "fail," she leaves to have sex with the dean.
RNB: The student walks in but immediately falls, tripping over a chain hanging around his neck. Then a rapper steals his fur coat, beret, and glasses. The student feels completely worthless and leaves.
NAZI MARCHES: A shaved student walks in, writes "Russia for Russians!" on the wall, steals the rapper's belongings, tries to take the exam, but receives a "fail" and beats up the professor with Camel cigarettes.
SKA: The student steals a skateboard from a skinhead and successfully takes the exam
Вегтам
Machete
Auto-translated
So... it's a one-on-one! I think there will be a goal now - Smith has no chance against Neo, he's a decent midfielder, but he can't replace the injured goalkeeper... what a distraction! Look at that speed... oh-oh-oh... rough play. This could be a yellow card. But... no. The referee gave the go-ahead.
And on the other flank, something even more incredible is unfolding! Look how Morpheus deflects the attacks of the Hunters... it's like his game against the twins in the last match... yes, the trio of Lock, Nyobe, and Morpheus are rightly called the great shield of the Zion team and the golden lovers of victory...
Look! This is just incredible! YES, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Smith scores a goal, opening the score three minutes before the end of the match. The Humans have no chance of even a draw.
Wait... the lineswoman Pythia "lights up" the flag: was there a foul? Let's watch the replay. Yes, yes, yes. There was, there was a foul. Look - what rough handball! This is a clear red card. The goal, of course, is not counted.
The Machine team retreats, not even trying to equalize. A draw, zero-zero, and the match... the match... the match is over! Another draw. The Machine team failed to make up for it... they didn't take revenge for the first game... well, what can you do! The Zionites literally wiped the floor with these eternal winners.
Goodbye, my dear sports fans. This was your sincerely fair commentator, Ivan Ivanov. We'll be back soon, in exactly one week, on this very field, there will be a match between "The Last Alliance of Humans and Elves" against Sauron's "Orcs".
And on the other flank, something even more incredible is unfolding! Look how Morpheus deflects the attacks of the Hunters... it's like his game against the twins in the last match... yes, the trio of Lock, Nyobe, and Morpheus are rightly called the great shield of the Zion team and the golden lovers of victory...
Look! This is just incredible! YES, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Smith scores a goal, opening the score three minutes before the end of the match. The Humans have no chance of even a draw.
Wait... the lineswoman Pythia "lights up" the flag: was there a foul? Let's watch the replay. Yes, yes, yes. There was, there was a foul. Look - what rough handball! This is a clear red card. The goal, of course, is not counted.
The Machine team retreats, not even trying to equalize. A draw, zero-zero, and the match... the match... the match is over! Another draw. The Machine team failed to make up for it... they didn't take revenge for the first game... well, what can you do! The Zionites literally wiped the floor with these eternal winners.
Goodbye, my dear sports fans. This was your sincerely fair commentator, Ivan Ivanov. We'll be back soon, in exactly one week, on this very field, there will be a match between "The Last Alliance of Humans and Elves" against Sauron's "Orcs".
Gunslinger
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A poem where all the words start with the letter "S".
Samurai antiquity.
Forty brave samurai,
Having removed the nets from the stands,
Caught seven elephants steadily,
Gathering the nets.
Having eaten fresh elephant
Fat with fresh juice,
Forty chairs, having moved them in a row,
Sat down all at once.
They began to tell stories,
The elders,
Gatherings, battles, fresh feasts,
The sons listened.
The oldest old man
Told sternly:
The samurai gathered
To have another battle,
Having hidden the arrows boldly, they stood
In formation among the hills,
Crushed the Syracusans
With united strength.
Seven centuries flashed by,
Seven centuries passed completely,
The old samurai power
Was hidden by the angry shadow of battles.
Did the samurai surrender? That's funny -
The samurai became even stronger,
Death creeps in, the Holy Synod -
The samurai stand as a wall,
Shining with Syracusan steel.
Драккошка
Вегтам
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American programmers couldn't understand for a long time why their Russian colleagues kept repeating the phrase "your bunny wrote it" (Your Bunny Wrote) whenever Windows crashed.
(Note: the English version should be read quickly) :D
Amko
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This is NOT a joke, but a REAL job opening:D :D :D :D
http://job.ru/vacance/id_7b5dcf9d5b1d2b605fa1ad4e2c8d19e3.html#
http://job.ru/vacance/id_7b5dcf9d5b1d2b605fa1ad4e2c8d19e3.html#
SteN
Auto-translated
What does the girl want?
I want there to be no war,
That we trust each other,
That there is more kindness,
But in general, I want... a fur coat!
I want them not to destroy the forest,
And that there are no conflicts,
And that progress wins,
And that it is made of mink!
I want everyone to be more tolerant,
And that everyone is kinder,
So that we love each other,
And that the fur coat is longer!
I want no one to be sad,
Neither he, nor I, nor any of us,
So that everyone has light and warmth,
And... so that the fur coat is more expensive!
I want children to be born,
So that there are bows on the gifts,
So that there are no sick people in the world,
But in general, I want... diamonds!
I want there to be no hostility,
And that the holidays last longer,
And that the world knows no trouble,
So that there are more diamonds!
I want there to be no losses,
So that the Bickford fuse does not smoke,
So that the hungry beast does not roar,
A whole set of diamonds!
I want there to be no national discord,
And that the snow does not melt from the peaks,
So that no one plots,
And in general... there are no wrinkles!
I want the stars to shine on everyone,
So that we stop being afraid,
So that everyone forgets about misfortunes,
And looks like they are 17...
Amko
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