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Chronicles of Hammering a Nail
9:00
Suddenly, we felt the urge to hang a picture on the wall. This desire was further intensified by the fact that we kept bumping our thighs against it. As it turned out, fulfilling this desire requires (and is sufficient) to hammer a nail into the wall.
9:15
No suitable nail was found at hand or in our pockets. Most often, we find seven-inch nails. But we're not hanging a refrigerator on the wall. We found thinner ones, but they are more suitable for pinning flies to a dartboard.
9:30
We opened a can of beer each and started thinking about the situation. Vovchik suggested drilling a hole in the wall and inserting a pencil instead of a nail. Unfortunately, this option doesn't work for us - we don't have a gun.
9:35
We continue drinking beer. I had the idea to glue the picture to the wall.
10:00
Experiments showed that, unfortunately, PVA glue does not hold the picture. The remaining glue (half a liter) was thrown out the window. Let the pigeons peck at it.
10:10
Strange cries are heard from the street. We looked out the window. As it turned out, the bottle of glue fell into a baby stroller. The clever baby unscrewed the lid and had a lot of fun. His mother caught him doing this, having stepped out to chat with the old ladies on the bench.
10:27
We drink beer and make a list of neighbors whose apartments we will search.
10:49
We dug up a box of cigars. Since a big undertaking starts with a good smoke break, we decided to start smoking.
11:23
We decided not to throw the cigar butts into the street to avoid incidents and accusations that we are corrupting the younger generation. We started searching the neighbors' apartments.
11:31
We found tongs for dissolving sugar. Apparently, they are from a "Young Inquisitor" set. But we unanimously refused the honorable mission of being a guinea pig, and inviting a neighbor is too much trouble.
11:42
We found a hamster chewing in the buffet among the dishes and food supplies. And we've been looking for it all over the place for a month. To make the hamster's life not too boring, we arranged a hamster race with obstacles.
12:05
We found an inflatable crocodile. We inflated it with a bicycle pump and let it float in the bathtub for a bit, like a boat. We also had a small discussion: "Do pink crocodiles exist?"
12:30
We checked the refrigerator. There are no nails there, as expected, but there is beer.
12:46
We found an "Moose-Tango" iron in the closet. The box says "adjustable power - 1.5 horsepower". We didn't check, we believed their word.
12:53
We counted the results of the search: bruised legs - 10, arms - 5. Nails found - zero. It's a rather depressing statistic.
12:55
We climbed onto the attic. We put up a ladder and climbed up. We are not mountaineers to use ice axes. But the ladder fell. Along with the closet. Luckily, it didn't fall on our foot.
13:07
We lifted the closet, put a support under it, and climbed up again. The closet fell again, but in the other direction.
13:11
We lifted the closet and nailed it to the wall with "props".
13:14
We climbed into the attic. There is nothing interesting there. No nails either. But there is something that looks like knitting needles.
13:19
We sharpened the knitting needles and played a couple of games of darts with them. We got tired of picking up the knitting needles, so we just bent them.
13:27
Suddenly, we thought: do plumbers use nails in their work? We called a plumber. He doesn't answer. So, he's drinking. Damn it. It's time to cure him with a hose.
13:32
We drank beer with chips. We thought about what to do next. We inflated chip bags and popped them. We popped them so loudly that a passing pigeon, startled, flew into a neighbor's window.
13:42
We called the "Construction Supplies with Delivery" store. They have nails. Even with gold and platinum caps. When we found out how much it costs to deliver a nail to our home, we told them to shove that nail where the sun doesn't shine. In response, they said that they could deliver the nail for free, but with two professional couriers and a shared warhead on the nail. We were offended by such rudeness and hung up.
13:48
We are considering the situation, having a can of beer each. We played a dozen games of "The Amazing Adventures of Little Red Riding Hood with a Pie to Grandma", which we found in the attic. We took turns playing Grandma.
14:20
Based on the results of the game, we made a reciprocal exchange of slaps.
14:23:59
We started searching in the hallway. Due to the cramped space, we have to work in extreme conditions. We noted an extra dose of beer for the hardship.
14:26
We found a second hamster in an old boot. I wonder where the second hamster came from if we only bought one? We need to arrange a wrestling match between the hamsters so that their life is not boring and prone to obesity.
14:40
Based on the results of the search in the hallway, we can say: besides slippers, no other nails were found. But we ate a lot of dust. Next time, we will use gas masks and flippers.
14:51
We fried crayfish with beer. As they say, time for work, and time for fun. Even wolves wag their tails when it's time to relax.
14:59:59
Vovchik was late. He barely made it to his destination.
15:03
A scream came from the toilet, and my beer froze in my veins. Something happened there...
15:03:09
I burst into the toilet like a whirlwind and almost knocked Vovchik down with the door, so he only got minor bruises and a fright. As it turned out, in the toilet, in the closet, we found a box of nails, just the right size.
15:06
We drank a can of beer each and had a joyful dance.
15:11
The neighbors downstairs called and said that they don't need a Foucault pendulum instead of a chandelier, but they are ready to resolve this issue with a mop and an armored wire from a floor lamp. We had to stop dancing.
15:14
We didn't find a hammer. We tried to hammer the nail with our fist. But it turned out that the fist is not designed for such actions.
15:22
We tried to hammer the nail with a bedside table. It's inconvenient. You constantly miss the nail and hit something else. Besides, it's heavy.
We tried using a vacuum cleaner. The same thing.
16:01
We need to go to the neighbors for a hammer. We definitely won't go to the neighbor on the left. I don't want to pick up pigeon feathers all over the apartment. And pigeon droppings too.
16:02
We rang the doorbell of the neighbor on the right. When he opened the door, we realized that we had called in vain. The neighbor was so drunk that he had forgotten how to even grunt. It's completely unclear how he manages to stand on his feet.
16:05
The upstairs neighbors left for some kind of country house, and we decided not to go to the downstairs neighbors. Health is more important than a nail.
16:07
We tried to hammer the nail with a teapot. The nail was not damaged, but a nail hole appeared in the teapot. We threw the teapot out the window, as it is no longer of any use.
16:14
There is a fight in the yard for our teapot among the children. So that their shrill cries do not interfere with hammering the nail, we offered them a competition: "who can throw a bag of garbage the farthest". The bag of garbage, as a sponsorship contribution, was kindly provided by us. The winner gets everything - both the garbage and the teapot.
16:39
We replenished our dwindling strength with five cans of stewed meat and beer. The empty cans, as not representing any collectible value, were thrown out the window.
16:45
We arranged a small brainstorming session. The fight between pigeons and seagulls for the cans is a bit distracting.
16:53
The janitor came and started hitting the birds with a broom. Because they don't let him sleep.
17:08
Luckily, we didn't throw away the "parts" from the eaten crayfish. We put the crayfish back together and played "soldiers" with them. For stimulating strategic thinking.
17:17
We had the idea to hammer the nail with horns. Unfortunately, we could not unscrew the moose horns from the wall - they are screwed on with three consciences. While we were trying to unscrew the horns, the fins fell off the closet.
17:23
We hammered the nail with the fins. In turn - Vovchik with one fin, and I with the other.
17:36
We hung the picture. We are sitting, drinking a five-liter can of beer, and enjoying life
9:00
Suddenly, we felt the urge to hang a picture on the wall. This desire was further intensified by the fact that we kept bumping our thighs against it. As it turned out, fulfilling this desire requires (and is sufficient) to hammer a nail into the wall.
9:15
No suitable nail was found at hand or in our pockets. Most often, we find seven-inch nails. But we're not hanging a refrigerator on the wall. We found thinner ones, but they are more suitable for pinning flies to a dartboard.
9:30
We opened a can of beer each and started thinking about the situation. Vovchik suggested drilling a hole in the wall and inserting a pencil instead of a nail. Unfortunately, this option doesn't work for us - we don't have a gun.
9:35
We continue drinking beer. I had the idea to glue the picture to the wall.
10:00
Experiments showed that, unfortunately, PVA glue does not hold the picture. The remaining glue (half a liter) was thrown out the window. Let the pigeons peck at it.
10:10
Strange cries are heard from the street. We looked out the window. As it turned out, the bottle of glue fell into a baby stroller. The clever baby unscrewed the lid and had a lot of fun. His mother caught him doing this, having stepped out to chat with the old ladies on the bench.
10:27
We drink beer and make a list of neighbors whose apartments we will search.
10:49
We dug up a box of cigars. Since a big undertaking starts with a good smoke break, we decided to start smoking.
11:23
We decided not to throw the cigar butts into the street to avoid incidents and accusations that we are corrupting the younger generation. We started searching the neighbors' apartments.
11:31
We found tongs for dissolving sugar. Apparently, they are from a "Young Inquisitor" set. But we unanimously refused the honorable mission of being a guinea pig, and inviting a neighbor is too much trouble.
11:42
We found a hamster chewing in the buffet among the dishes and food supplies. And we've been looking for it all over the place for a month. To make the hamster's life not too boring, we arranged a hamster race with obstacles.
12:05
We found an inflatable crocodile. We inflated it with a bicycle pump and let it float in the bathtub for a bit, like a boat. We also had a small discussion: "Do pink crocodiles exist?"
12:30
We checked the refrigerator. There are no nails there, as expected, but there is beer.
12:46
We found an "Moose-Tango" iron in the closet. The box says "adjustable power - 1.5 horsepower". We didn't check, we believed their word.
12:53
We counted the results of the search: bruised legs - 10, arms - 5. Nails found - zero. It's a rather depressing statistic.
12:55
We climbed onto the attic. We put up a ladder and climbed up. We are not mountaineers to use ice axes. But the ladder fell. Along with the closet. Luckily, it didn't fall on our foot.
13:07
We lifted the closet, put a support under it, and climbed up again. The closet fell again, but in the other direction.
13:11
We lifted the closet and nailed it to the wall with "props".
13:14
We climbed into the attic. There is nothing interesting there. No nails either. But there is something that looks like knitting needles.
13:19
We sharpened the knitting needles and played a couple of games of darts with them. We got tired of picking up the knitting needles, so we just bent them.
13:27
Suddenly, we thought: do plumbers use nails in their work? We called a plumber. He doesn't answer. So, he's drinking. Damn it. It's time to cure him with a hose.
13:32
We drank beer with chips. We thought about what to do next. We inflated chip bags and popped them. We popped them so loudly that a passing pigeon, startled, flew into a neighbor's window.
13:42
We called the "Construction Supplies with Delivery" store. They have nails. Even with gold and platinum caps. When we found out how much it costs to deliver a nail to our home, we told them to shove that nail where the sun doesn't shine. In response, they said that they could deliver the nail for free, but with two professional couriers and a shared warhead on the nail. We were offended by such rudeness and hung up.
13:48
We are considering the situation, having a can of beer each. We played a dozen games of "The Amazing Adventures of Little Red Riding Hood with a Pie to Grandma", which we found in the attic. We took turns playing Grandma.
14:20
Based on the results of the game, we made a reciprocal exchange of slaps.
14:23:59
We started searching in the hallway. Due to the cramped space, we have to work in extreme conditions. We noted an extra dose of beer for the hardship.
14:26
We found a second hamster in an old boot. I wonder where the second hamster came from if we only bought one? We need to arrange a wrestling match between the hamsters so that their life is not boring and prone to obesity.
14:40
Based on the results of the search in the hallway, we can say: besides slippers, no other nails were found. But we ate a lot of dust. Next time, we will use gas masks and flippers.
14:51
We fried crayfish with beer. As they say, time for work, and time for fun. Even wolves wag their tails when it's time to relax.
14:59:59
Vovchik was late. He barely made it to his destination.
15:03
A scream came from the toilet, and my beer froze in my veins. Something happened there...
15:03:09
I burst into the toilet like a whirlwind and almost knocked Vovchik down with the door, so he only got minor bruises and a fright. As it turned out, in the toilet, in the closet, we found a box of nails, just the right size.
15:06
We drank a can of beer each and had a joyful dance.
15:11
The neighbors downstairs called and said that they don't need a Foucault pendulum instead of a chandelier, but they are ready to resolve this issue with a mop and an armored wire from a floor lamp. We had to stop dancing.
15:14
We didn't find a hammer. We tried to hammer the nail with our fist. But it turned out that the fist is not designed for such actions.
15:22
We tried to hammer the nail with a bedside table. It's inconvenient. You constantly miss the nail and hit something else. Besides, it's heavy.
We tried using a vacuum cleaner. The same thing.
16:01
We need to go to the neighbors for a hammer. We definitely won't go to the neighbor on the left. I don't want to pick up pigeon feathers all over the apartment. And pigeon droppings too.
16:02
We rang the doorbell of the neighbor on the right. When he opened the door, we realized that we had called in vain. The neighbor was so drunk that he had forgotten how to even grunt. It's completely unclear how he manages to stand on his feet.
16:05
The upstairs neighbors left for some kind of country house, and we decided not to go to the downstairs neighbors. Health is more important than a nail.
16:07
We tried to hammer the nail with a teapot. The nail was not damaged, but a nail hole appeared in the teapot. We threw the teapot out the window, as it is no longer of any use.
16:14
There is a fight in the yard for our teapot among the children. So that their shrill cries do not interfere with hammering the nail, we offered them a competition: "who can throw a bag of garbage the farthest". The bag of garbage, as a sponsorship contribution, was kindly provided by us. The winner gets everything - both the garbage and the teapot.
16:39
We replenished our dwindling strength with five cans of stewed meat and beer. The empty cans, as not representing any collectible value, were thrown out the window.
16:45
We arranged a small brainstorming session. The fight between pigeons and seagulls for the cans is a bit distracting.
16:53
The janitor came and started hitting the birds with a broom. Because they don't let him sleep.
17:08
Luckily, we didn't throw away the "parts" from the eaten crayfish. We put the crayfish back together and played "soldiers" with them. For stimulating strategic thinking.
17:17
We had the idea to hammer the nail with horns. Unfortunately, we could not unscrew the moose horns from the wall - they are screwed on with three consciences. While we were trying to unscrew the horns, the fins fell off the closet.
17:23
We hammered the nail with the fins. In turn - Vovchik with one fin, and I with the other.
17:36
We hung the picture. We are sitting, drinking a five-liter can of beer, and enjoying life
"Мы не герои. Мы сильны. Мы упрямы. Мы стараемся соблюдать условия контракта. Но мы не умираем за проигравших." Костоправ
"Мы не поклонники честной игры, если ее можно избежать. Девиз Отряда – максимальная эффективность при минимальном риске." Костоправ