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ANIME PLAY. How a masterpiece was created.
Author: Quickly draft a script? Or you'll be fired?.. Of course I will...(hangs up)
Author: Eh, I have absolutely no inspiration... Ah, well, we'll think of something. For example, khm... eee... Oh! It's a story about a brave warrior who fought the forces of evil and saved the world. He was handsome, strong, agile, and smart; he knew how to please women, but had never once shared a bed with them...
Hero: Whaaaat?!!!
Author: Never once shared a bed with them.
Hero: Are you kidding me, have you completely lost your mind? When it comes to saving the world, I'm a Hero, but when it comes to...
Author: Shh, be quiet, children are watching us!
Hero: What damn children, if I've never shared a bed? Where would these children even come from?
Author: Now why are you acting like a child, for heaven's sake. On the other hand, all the real otaku will love you.
Hero: Why is that?
Author: Well, they also have... problems... with beds... They'll sympathize...
Hero: Listen, how about I be the one sympathizing with them instead, huh?
Author: Oh, I've got it—this is a curse placed upon you. And once you defeat everyone, it will disappear.
Hero: And how many are "everyone"?
Author: Well, enough for a couple of dozen episodes!
Hero: Listen, I'm leaving, I'll go commit harakiri, screw you all...
Author: Alright, alright, I'll draw you a partner right now.
Hero: And what am I supposed to do with her?
Author: Well, it'll be a stimulus of sorts (draws the partner).
Hero: Whoa-ho!
Author: Do you like her?
Hero: Listen, maybe we can forget about this curse? Maybe we should just make hentai instead, huh?
Author: Not allowed!
Partner: I greet thee, oh my hero!
Hero: Sweetie, bear with me for a couple of episodes, okay? And then (winks)
Partner: Then what?
Author: He's cursed. He cannot share a bed with a woman until he kills everyone. (The partner falls to the ground laughing)
Hero: Hey, keep it down. Or I might actually start killing everyone starting with you. By the way, Author, what am I supposed to kill them with? No, of course I can do it with my bare hands, but I'd like to automate the process somehow. Otherwise, I won't even finish in 50 episodes... (The partner, who had gone quiet, starts laughing again)
Author: Of course, of course, we'll organize everything for you (draws something). Here!
Hero: What's here?
Author (proudly): A sword!
Hero: No, I'm definitely doing harakiri... This sword is bigger than me!
Author: So what?
Hero: By the time I swing it, everyone will have already run away. Or they'll die of laughter, like this one over here...
Author: Everyone fights with those and doesn't complain!
Hero: Listen, draw me some kind of tank, huh? Or even better, a nuclear missile. One blast—and all problems solved.
Author: Not allowed. Fight with the sword.
Hero: I won't!
Author: Fight!
Hero: I won't!
Author: Listen, maybe I should put some other curse on you?..
Hero: Well, at least give me an assault rifle?..
Author: Fine, here (draws something)... a magic dagger!
Hero: And in what way is it magic?
Author: When the time comes—you'll find out. Alright, that's it, it's time; there's a village nearby, and orcs happen to be looting it. Go save the civilian population.
Hero: This one? It doesn't look like anyone is looting it.
Author: We'll fix that right now. (Draws something; a crowd of orcs appears on the horizon, rushing into the village with a roar).
Hero: Ah, alright then. Hey, let's go, we need to save the world!
Partner (barely holding back laughter): As you wish, oh my hero!
(scene fades to black)
(scene brightens)
(The hero stands in the middle of a half-destroyed village, orc corpses scattered around him. The partner appears)
Hero: Well, anyone left alive?
Partner: Only found this one (throws a kind of sack on the ground).
Hero: That's it?
Partner: Well, you two would have argued even longer about which end of the village was more convenient to attack. (mimicking) "We should go in with the pigs! But I say—pinch them in pincers, in pincers!". Though, oh my hero, there were certainly a bit too many orcs.
Author: Well, I overdid it a little, happens to the best of us. But look at all that drama, huh?
Hero: Fine, my role is small. And who even is this? (kicks the sack with his foot)
Author: Hey-hey, be careful! That's a princess!
Hero: Who?
Author: A princess! You just don't know it yet!
Hero (sneering): Really?
Author: Listen, don't make me angry. Do you know how hard it is to come up with a plot? So, she's a princess from a distant land; she was here by chance... eee... picking mushrooms, yes.
Hero: She sure wandered far for some mushrooms...
Author: Now, shut it! And in general, just kiss her already so she wakes up...
Hero: We'll do that with a fi— What is this even! (Silent scene: the partner and the newly awakened princess are kissing passionately)
Author: You should have thought about that sooner. Actually, you know, I drew this partner for some hentai... well, yuri and all that... She probably just remembered her youth.
Hero: Listen, can I kill her, huh?
Author: Not right now.
Hero: And later?
Author: We'll live and see.
Hero: "It'll be a stimulus," my foot... They won't even let me kiss. Hey, princess! Princess, I'm talking to you!
Author: Quiet! You don't know she's a princess!
Hero: Ah, right, right. Then what am I supposed to call her?
Author: "Lovely maiden" or something... You are a hero, after all.
Hero (looking at the partner and princess who continue kissing): Well, lovely is probably correct, but as for... Ah, fine. "Oh, lovely maiden," what brought you to our harsh lands?
Princess: What?
Hero: "Oh, lovely maiden..."
Princess (to the partner): Is he an idiot or something?
Partner: Worse (whispers in her ear).
Princess: Really? (starts laughing).
Hero: Maybe that's enough already, huh?
Author (threateningly): Now, stop it!
Princess: But it's just so funny!
Author: To be honest, I think so too. Great idea I had, right?
Hero: Right. Either you stop laughing, or find a new hero. And a new planet. Because I'll blow this one to hell and back!
Author: Alright-alright, don't pout. So, where did we leave off?
Hero: "Oh, lovely maiden," what brought you to our harsh lands?
Princess: What?
Hero: Damn it, why were you even here?
Princess: Ah, I was... picking mushrooms. And then everything just... and these ones... and then those... and so.
Hero: Yeah, great story, nothing more to say.
Princess: How dare you speak this way to a person of royal blood!
Author: Everyone be amazed!
All: Oooooo! Aaaaaa!
Princess: My god, where have I ended up! Idiots everywhere!
Author: Okay, here's the setup. At first, the Princess can't stand the Hero.
Princess: Easy!
Author: But gradually she develops various warm feelings for him, which causes the partner's jealousy.
Partner: What is there to be jealous of? It's not like... (laughs)
Hero: And we'll kill the partner at the end!
Author: Why?
Hero: For tragedy!
Author: Hey, that's a fresh thought!
Partner: If the main character dies, it'll be even more tragic!
Author: Hey, that's a fresh thought!
Hero: Yeah, and who's going to smash the main monster against the walls? Not the princess, surely?
Princess: Well, you don't have to kill the hero; just maim him slightly so he evokes pity from the viewer. Chop off something... (meaningfully)... unnecessary...
Hero: I'll chop your things off, I'll chop them right now, you'll die heroically this instant!
Princess: How dare you speak this way to a person of royal blood!
Hero: Listen, I didn't vote for you to be a princess. And in general, that idiot said you were a princess and we all just believed him. Where's the proof? Some documents with seals or something?
Author: Who did you call an idiot?!
Princess: Documents with seals for you? How about a slap across the face instead?
Partner: Long overdue.
Hero: A slap for me? For me? I'll...
Author: No, who did you call an idiot?..
(scene fades to black)
Voice: And so, cheerfully and happily, helping each other, our heroes overcame many dangers and finally reached the lair of the main villain. (scene brightens)
Princess: I told you we should have turned right.
Author: Right-right... Well, a man made a mistake, happens to everyone!
Hero: Uh-huh. And did they burn that village down? "This is a bandit camp, this is a bandit camp!" Only off by a couple of kilometers, happens to everyone. I barely escaped the grateful residents...
Partner: I won't even mention the sorcerer...
Princess: The one we drowned by mistake?
Author: Now, why are you all picking on me?
Hero: We're picking on you? What about the wizards' guild that this pensioner headed?! Now they really picked on us. At least the partner and princess distracted them a bit when they jumped out of the river stark naked.
Partner: Jump out, my foot... "I drew this river myself, there's no one here, only fish." Such nice fish... with teeth...
Hero: And this princess. When is she finally going to fall in love with me, huh? She keeps teasing and hinting at you-know-what. It's a good thing I'm self-confident, otherwise I would have hanged myself from grief long ago.
Princess: And in general, how much longer are we going to wander god knows where...
Partner: "Made a mistake, happens to everyone"...
Princess: ...Killing people we don't even know...
Partner: Mostly civilians. By accident, of course.
Princess: ...Saving beautiful maidens...
Hero: Who the hell needed that old hag?! And because of her, I killed the last dragon in those lands! And that, you see, was their main tourist attraction and source of income. Good thing we managed to run away...
Princess: ...And all this without basic household amenities, there isn't even a bath! And even if there were, if you think about it, there's no one to take one with...
Hero: Here we go again.
Author: STOP IT! You've completely let yourselves go! Go on and kill the main monster already.
Hero: Just don't tell me it's sitting in some impregnable castle again!
Partner: ...I think the fifth one so far...
Hero: Exactly, and every time you have to crawl in there, scurry around all the corners, and then it turns out that it's not even the main thing, and not a monster at all, and generally we aren't welcome. No way, if that's the case—let it just die on its own without our involvement.
Author: So what, it's supposed to crawl up to you for slaughter, then?
Hero: Preferably. And if it just hangs itself right away—that would be the ideal option.
Author: Fine, here is your monster (draws), you asked for it...(a monster appears, consisting mostly of tentacles)
Hero: What is that?
Author: Well, I used to draw hentai, so I came up with this. True, it never made it into the series, but we can't let good assets go to waste, right?
Princess: So it's...
Partner: Hentai?!
Hentai Monster: Urgh-mwa-ha-ha!
Hero: What?
Author: It's threatening that it's going to... well... you know...
Hero: We don't know a damn thing!
Author: Well... (whispers something)
Hero: Ahhh... Well, then by all means. They'll learn not to mess with heroes! Go ahead, sweetie, do your thing, don't be shy. And if they start screaming or try to offend you in any way—just say the word, and I'll quiet them down in a flash!
Princess: No, really, Mom told me all men are scumbags!
Hentai Monster: Urgh-mwa-ha-ha!
Hero: What is it, bro?
Author: Well... it's, you know... omnivorous, kind of, understand? ...
Hero: You mean it wants to eat?
Author: No, what an idiot... (whispers)
Hero: What do you mean "me too"? You sure have a fancy imagination...
Author: I was young back then, passionate...
Hero: Alright, girls, step aside, I'm going to kill this creep now. By the way, Author, how do you even kill it?
Author: You have to cut the tentacles.
Hero: Which ones exactly?
Author (sighs): All of them.
Partner (counting): Yeah, that'll be a couple years of work.
Hero: No matter, we'll push through, we have the magic dagger. Hey, Author, explain already—what in its arsenal is worth a couple of megatons?
Author: Well, it can glow in the dark... sometimes.
Hero: And?
Author: That's all.
Hero: Riiiight... Listen, why is everything you do not like normal people? Even the monster—it's a hentai one. Let some kind of hentai hero fight it. I've had enough; that's it, I'm retiring.
Princess: ...for health reasons...
Hero: Mock me, mock me, there isn't much time left anyway...
Hentai Monster: Urgh-mwa-ha-ha!
Hero: Exactly.
Author: Hentai hero, you say? But I warn you—the girls will leave for him.
Hero: Let them choke on it!
Author: Fine (draws) (a hentai hero appears)
Princess and partner (in chorus): What a cutie!
Hero: Okay, hero, listen: these are the girls, that's the monster. Kill the monster—get the girls. Did I explain it clearly enough?
Hentai Hero: Sweetie, why would I want them? I have you.
Hero: Author, what is he doing?
Author: Well, he's a hentai hero...
Hero: So what?
Author (sneering): I would even say, a yaoi one...
Hentai Hero: Come here, handsome, we won't do anything bad to you, right?
Hentai Monster: Urgh-mwa-ha-ha!
Hero: Son of a...
(scene fades to black, credits)
And so the brave hero defeated the terrible monster, lifted his curse and saved the world, which then lived long and happily...(the end)
* * *
(phone call)
Author: Yes? What, the highest rating? Became a cult classic? New contract? Of course, of course... (hangs up) Well, they said "turn right," "idiot"...(phone call)
Hero: Author, are you even aware that this princess and the partner ran away somewhere? I don't get it, who am I supposed to share a bed with now?
Author: Ran away, you say... Ah, well, the hentai artists probably got to work. The series is a cult classic, heard? So all sorts of doujinshi started appearing, and so on...
Hero: No, but what am I supposed to do?
Author: Don't worry about it. Hentai artists are such imaginative people—they won't leave you alone! (Thoughtfully) Only thing is, the partner and princess are yuri. Hmm, I wonder what the yaoi artists are doing? (some rustling is heard on the phone)
Hentai Hero: Hello, sweetie.
Hentai Monster: Urgh-mwa-ha-ha!
Hero: Mom... (short beeps)
