Fun

In continuation of the topic started by Novizard (EVERYTHING BELOW IS BORROWED FROM ARDA-ON-KULICHES!!!)
A FIVE-MINUTE WORK SESSION AT A COOPERATIVE FILM STUDIO



The film's director (D)

Comrades! Let's start our five-minute meeting.
Today is going to be a tough day.
We've fallen behind schedule, and not just a little,
So why is everything at a standstill?
The financial director (F)
We don't have enough decent money in the account,
And it's hard to get anything for rubles.
(D) What about the sponsors?
(F) What sponsors? Right now, they've given us
Five dollars, two francs, and a yuan.
And those who are richer refuse
To let us take their money, comrade director (R)
(D) How do they refuse? Are they stupid? Or am I missing something...
(R) Well, it's not a serious conversation.
The sponsors want to impose conditions on us,
And fulfilling them is out of the question, at least for now.
Who am I going to make smoke a Camel in our film?
Who am I going to dress in Adidas?
I'm tired of these financial squabbles,
And now I have another question – you know what, guys,
Let's have the grandmother play the role of Galadriel
And replace her with Baba Yaga.
Let her be a People's Artist,
Yes, yes, I remember whose wife she is.
But the mosquitoes in the forest don't fly close to her,
She's so... beautiful and gentle.


The screenwriter (Sc)

Then three love scenes will be cut.
They'll be reduced by almost a quarter.
And one more battle scene, where Celeborn, having learned about the betrayal,
Beats three of his own to death with nunchucks.

(R) We had another heart attack in the extras yesterday!
How many times do I have to say,
That Comrade Gollum, in his working disguise,
Shouldn't come out.
And shouldn't ask for a cigarette.

The actor playing Gollum stands up.

And you crawl around the swamps with me –
Let's see how you'd sing then.
And I don't care about the extras – we've recruited an army of orcs
From the chronicles in the neighboring training camp.

The actor playing Sauron (S) rises.

I agreed to the mustache and pipe,
I'm used to the Georgian accent,
But, you know, comrades – neither I nor Saruman will do ten takes a day
Without a ladder to climb onto the armored vehicle.

(R) What armored vehicle? That's our battle chariot!
(S) But it looks like one! But I won't do it anyway.

The technical director:
Come on, stop fussing.
Inside, it's (tra-ta-ta) a broken tractor.


The sound engineer, proudly:
And we never have any problems
And the soundtrack is almost ready.

(D) Well, good. And who is singing the songs of the elves?
(Z) As agreed – Yuri Shatunov.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and the assistant director runs in, pale. All eyes turn to him. A short, silent scene, and he reports:

Tonight, children broke into the set.
They found a hole in the fence.
They stole two fake fireworks, or rather, magic wands,
And set Sauron's castle on fire.

(D) Yes, with the restoration of this citadel,
Our cooperative will go downhill.
(R) Calm down! There's a solution. We'll take everything we've filmed,
And make... a pornographic detective story!!!