Posts from Fun

funny :) I don't even know what else I could add here; I can't think of anything amusing right now.

Mega giveaway... have some fun with your friend :) http://trinixy.ru/2007/06/04/khoroshijj_prikol.html

The landowner arrives at his estate. The next day, he goes with the manager and inspects his property. They walk along a path that unexpectedly leads to a stream. "Listen, Prokhor," the landowner says to the manager, "by the time I come to the estate next, make sure we can cross this stream without getting wet – build a bridge, or at least throw a simple plank across, but don't spoil such a pleasant walk." In short, the landowner spent a week drinking at this estate and then left. A year later, he comes back again, and they do another inspection with the manager. They approach the stream, but there's nothing there. The landowner sighs and, without saying a word, slaps the manager on the ear. The manager falls, and the landowner silently walks away. The next day, the landowner goes hunting, approaches the stream in his болотные сапоги (rubber boots), and there's a beautifully painted bridge. He calls the manager: "Listen, Prokhor. How is it that you couldn't throw a plank across in a year, but you managed to build this in one night, something that some people couldn't do in a year?" "There wasn't a clear order, sir." :smile25:

5 days of a woman's stomach

Monday. Morning.
Okay… I got dressed, left the house, and dragged myself to work. But who's going to make breakfast? Where's my porridge?! Oh, go ahead, have another cigarette… And I'll give you a little nudge! Oops! Doesn't feel good, does it? You shouldn't smoke on an empty stomach. What's going on here?!
Day. Well, it's clear now. On Saturday, she decided she had cellulite, and since Monday, we've been on a diet. Damn! Did anyone even ask me? No, I'm not just some accessory; you can't pull these stunts on me! Activating medium-level rumbling. Hmm… no way, sweetheart, shove your kefir where the sun doesn't shine! Increasing the rumbling, adding sound effects, preparing for a spectacular display of gurgling.
Evening. I WANT TO EAT!!! I WANT TO EAT!!! GIVE ME FOOD! I DEMAND A PORK CUTLET!!! EATTTT!!!
Night. Forget about sleep! I won't shut up; I'm hungry. I want to eat, you know?! I don't care about your diet. I want to eat. Okay, go ahead, try to sleep! I could go for some borscht right now, with sour cream…

Tuesday. Morning.
So… you're going to keep torturing me, huh? I'm still without porridge, right? Your cabbage leaf was digested by the esophagus because it was so hungry; nothing even reached me! Damn, I got stuck with a real idiot! I spent the whole night envying Natalia Krachkovskaya's stomach…
Day. My strength is fading; I'm sending impulses to the brain, and the brain is sending those impulses to my rear… no one has ever returned from there. Damn, what should I do? More kefir. I HATE KEFIR!!!
Evening. I'm rumbling with all my remaining strength, but she's not paying attention to me, the bitch…
Night. And it's even tastier if you fry young potatoes in butter… with a golden crust… and with sour cream… or mushrooms. You can fry them very deliciously… burrr…

Wednesday. Morning.
I got a little bit of salad – it grows in the ground, what a terrible thing! I'm starting to forget what porridge tastes like – something soft, warm, enveloping… bu-urrr…
Day. Hooray!! Kefir! Kefir! I want more; don't take it away, aaaah! MORE KEFIR!!!
Evening. There's nothing left of me; the organs in my pelvic area are laughing at me. I've shriveled up, shrunk! I barely digested two radishes; I'm losing my skills.
Night. I remember when we lived with our parents, we always had soup for dinner! And salad. And a main course with a meat side dish – my stomach and my dad's stomach would gurgle with pleasure in unison… Oh, what made you decide to live independently?!

Thursday. Morning.
At least she's not smoking! Sorry, honey, it's involuntary – well, never mind, I'm empty anyway, so I'll feel nauseous and it'll pass… But where's the salad I'm supposed to have?! WHERE'S THE SALAD?! It's outrageous…
Day. Hello, kefir! I need to digest you more slowly, or I'll just sit here like an idiot until tomorrow.
Evening. I talked to the intestines – they're all in shock too; they say the reserves are running low. You can't do that – take away the last bit! Oh, oh, be careful! Those are big plums – and they're all for me?! Damn, I'm going to digest them!
Night. These damn plums – I can't seem to digest them, I'm exhausted… Sorry, guys, I'm sending you what I can – you can figure it out from there; you have 8 meters, and I'm just one…

Friday. Early morning.
We're sitting in the bathroom, seeing the plums off.
Morning. I can't believe it! I got yogurt! Maybe the plums gave her a brain?! It should happen more often! I wish we had potatoes for lunch! With chicken…
Lunch. Kefir.
And the homeland generously watered you with gastric juice…
Evening. We're sitting in a restaurant with some guy and sniffing other people's food. Well. Come on! Order something for yourself! We haven't eaten all week… Quiet! He told her that she had lost a lot of weight! That she needs to eat! That she looks great! Well?! Aww, good job! Aww, you're a man!!! Eat! It worked! Now I'm going to eat!!!
Late evening. Well… burrr… something's messing with me… What's this? Mushrooms… and that… hic! Martini… bu-burrr… oh, vodka… I respect that… It's so good, guys! Shut up, liver, everything's under control!…
Night. Goodbye, mushrooms! Goodbye, vodka! Potatoes!... I hope you choke, Ikhtiandr! When I think about how much good food is being wasted…
Oh, mineral water, come on in… we're on a diet.

Ivan the Fool was given a ticket to a western country...
Before his departure, he was summoned to the KGB for a conversation, and considering its futility, they instructed him with only one thing:
- Answer all provocative questions by saying that we have the shortest workday in our country...
On the very first day of being abroad, Vanka got into trouble when he went down from his room to a bar, and there he found an Englishman and a Frenchman sitting, happy... drinking and eating, you see...
The Englishman:
- When my Mary sits on a horse from Her Majesty's stables, her legs hang down to the ground... This doesn't mean that we have such short horses. It just means that my Mary has long, slender legs...
The Frenchman:
- When I walk with Marie along the Champs-Élysées, I gently hug her around the waist, and my hand touches hers... This doesn't mean that I have such long arms! It means that my Marie has a thin, slender waist...
Vanka:
- When I hear the factory whistle and go to work, I pat my Manka on the backside... And when I come home from work, her backside is still swaying. But this doesn't mean that my wife has a fat, thick backside... It means that we have the shortest workday!

I saw this poem and couldn't resist sharing it. I don't know about the copyright, so I'll just leave a link: http://www.teron.ru/index.php?showtopic=271&st=2055

Yesterday, I was driving to work
in a blizzard, fog, and icy conditions,
when a Toyota whizzed past,
taking a dangerous turn.
Crossing the highway
where there's a solid line,
the driver was applying lipstick
and putting on mascara!
How can you not get angry?
I dropped my razor in a rage
(I hadn't had time to shave at home
and was shaving my cheeks on the way).
The razor fell right into the coffee
(I had a cup between my knees -
my mom makes me delicious coffee -
and I drink it in this kind of weather).
When a heavy object falls,
the hot, boiling liquid
splashes where it shouldn't -
causing a third-degree burn.
And from the pain, I jumped,
and from my other hand
my mobile phone suddenly fell -
and again - straight into the coffee.
I don't remember what happened next...
I opened my eyes: a hospital? a morgue?
Now I have neither a car nor a phone...
But I do have a bandage between my legs.
I'm completely covered in plaster,
only my head is free.
And the moral of this story is:
WE SHOULD TAKE DRIVING LICENSES AWAY FROM ALL WOMEN

A new Russian guy is playing golf with a priest. The Russian guy takes a swing: -Damn, I missed! -Son, don't swear, God will punish you! He hits the ball again... the ball flies away...: -Damn, I missed again! Suddenly, there's thunder from the sky, lightning strikes, and kills the clergyman. A voice from the heavens: -Damn, I missed! :smile22:

Doctor Watson spent the night with a prostitute. In the morning, he hears her reproach him: - Oh dear, Doctor Watson! Aren't you ashamed? What about your wife? What will Mrs. Hudson say?! - But how did you know about them? 8-( The prostitute (hoarsely): - Elementary, Watson!

- Why aren't you getting married? Hasn't anyone proposed?
- I've been proposed to many times!
- Well, who, for example?
- Mom and Dad...
_________________________________________

An operation is in progress.
A tragic voice of the patient is heard:
- Doctor, I don't think I'm asleep.
- That's impossible!
The doctor continues to operate intently.
- Doctor, I swear, I'm not sleeping.
- Come on!
The doctor makes an incision.
- A-a-a! It hurts!
- Look, he really isn't asleep.
- I told you.
- Well, just shut up... with chloroform. By the way, give him some more.
- Bliss!... Doctor, can I have some more?
- Yes, you can.
- Bliss!... And more?
- Yes, you can. Give him a whack on the forehead with a mallet...
Bang!!!
- Intense bliss!... Can I have another whack with the mallet?
- That's enough, or you'll get used to it.
- Doctor, how is it going? Is it dangerous?
- Patient, you're bothering me.
- I can leave.
- No, stay. There's nothing dangerous. The bullet went straight through, without hitting any vital organs. By the way, what kind of idiot shot you?
- Why idiot?
- That's not how you shoot! You need to aim a little higher, and to the left, to the left...
- It's very simple, doctor. I was lying in bed late at night with a woman, not touching anyone else, and suddenly, BANG! BANG! my husband came home.
- Ah! So, it was your husband who shot?
- Not at all! Listen further. So, I'm running from the balcony, not touching anyone, and suddenly, BANG! BANG! I fall on the beloved dog of the local police officer.
- Aha, so it was the police officer who shot.
- He did shoot, but he didn't hit me even once. So, I'm running naked down the street, not touching anyone. And suddenly, BANG! BANG! I hear someone chasing me.
It turned out to be a serial killer who targets people for sexual reasons.
- Could it be that he shot?
- No, he just gently strangled me. Luckily, some rockers on motorcycles were driving by for fun. We ran away from this maniac for three blocks.
- So, were they the ones who shot?
- No way! They're just kids, playing around. True, they accidentally ran over the poor maniac to death.
- Well, when will you finally get shot?
- Listen to this. So, I run into a store, just in case, trying to put on the first pair of pants I find, and suddenly, BANG! BANG! the security guard jumps out...
- Did he shoot?
- No, he was shooting back. Because right then, some racketeers burst into the store.
- So, the racketeers shot?
- Why would they shoot? They just made us lie on our stomachs and used a soldering iron. Luckily, the security guard managed to confess before he died that I had nothing to do with it. And they let me go. I went outside, and right in front of me, a beautiful girl from a tourist hotel was walking out. And I, unfortunately, didn't have time to get dressed. She pulls a gun out of her purse and BANG! BANG!
- Did she hit?
- She did, and more than once, but her gun was a gas gun, with a neuro-paralytic effect.
- So, who the hell made the hole in you then?
- So, I come home in the morning to my wife, naked, with a blue face from the beatings, and still under the influence. I wasn't going to touch anyone, and then, BANG! BANG! my father-in-law jumps out with a double-barreled shotgun.
- Did he hit?
- Yes...
- Finally!
- He shot my wife in the butt.
- Listen, patient, if I were you, I would have gone and shot myself after all this.
- Well, what do you think I'm doing here?

I almost fell off my chair when I read about the rockers))) It's a topic that's very close to my heart)))

Here's how metalheads toast (no offense intended):
1st toast: We drink to the blacksmith! Because he forges METAL!
2nd toast: We drink to the steelworker! Because he casts METAL!
3rd toast: We drink to the carp! (question: what's so special about the carp that we should drink to it?) Because it lays METAL eggs!

We can also drink to the janitor because he swept.

Added 40 seconds later
True, "metal" is spelled with two L's, but it's okay.

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus:
Please send me a little brother.
Santa Claus replied:
No problem. Send me your mom.

In the morning, we're driving to the kindergarten with the child. A Lada passes by.
Child: - Is that a Lada?
Me: - Yes.
Child: - Why is it driving?

:D :D :D :D ********************************** A Russian family of lepers is looking to rent an apartment. Punish the neighbors! ********************************** A large batch of "United Russia" was detained at the border. ********************************** Groundhogs are the most cautious animals. They stand on their hind legs and look into the distance: is a fox running? Is an eagle flying? Is a snake crawling? And the most observant ones get hit by a bumper. ********************************** - Hello! Is Lena home? - She is. But who asked her? - Indeed, who asked her? Be here in 2 hours! ********************************** Jesus is walking on water. One of the apostles is swimming next to him, saying: - You shouldn't be doing this, teacher. The water is like pornographic milk today! :D :D :D :D

- You know, I dreamed that I was flying in my sleep!
- And what does that mean?
- It means I'm growing.
- You should dream that your breasts are flying.

Fairy tale, The Old Man Hottabych.
- This is the most magnificent spectacle I have witnessed in 100 million years, oh, great Volka. Even Sheikh Ibn Fazil didn't have anything like that. What is this, oh, incomparable Volka!
- It's porn, Hottabych.

I tried many ballpoint deodorants before I realized... that I want sausage.

- You know, yesterday I was lying under a palm tree, and a slender, handsome, tanned guy came up to me and said, "Hi."
- Well, what did you do?
- And I was lying under a palm tree, I was pinned down, I couldn't breathe in or out.

For some reason, the phrase "The professor failed the student on the exam" sounds perfectly normal, but "The student failed the professor after the exam" causes a violent reaction.

A man walks into a store:
- Give me a bottle of mineral water.
- To go?
- No, without you.

It's hard to sell an apartment - the parents are constantly at home...

designer:
are you going to take the grass?
customer:
yes, basically I can
designer:
Oh, sorry Maria, this isn't for you
customer:
too bad

- Kiryukha, what's wrong, why are you so sad? Tell me.
- Well, yesterday I was walking in the park with my girl, and a maniac attacked us:
- Sexual?
- Bisexual!

Vodka is not gasoline - fuel consumption is higher outside the city!

A young secretary was late for work. The boss, an old maid, reprimands her:
- Lenochka, you were 40 minutes late for work!
- Oh, Maria Ivanovna, if you had such an orgasm, you wouldn't even get to work...

- Mom, today I'm not a virgin anymore.
- How can you be so ashamed!! Is that why we raised you, made you a person, so that in the second year of a prestigious university you would say "today" and "already"!

- If I'm not mistaken, are you your wife's third husband?
- No, I'm her fourth husband.
- My God, you're not a husband anymore, you're a habit!

***Women and Men - Differences***

1. While having sex, a woman thinks about whether she looks good.
2. When getting dressed, a woman will put on a shirt first, then pants. We usually do the opposite.
3. Women don't scratch the back of their heads. First, they don't like to show their confusion, and second, it ruins their hairstyle.
4. A woman often wraps strands of hair, even short ones, around her finger or tickles her cheek with a brush of hair. Men rarely do this.
5. A woman will never truly understand why football players, when forming a wall, make such a funny mound with their palms. Therefore, she doesn't flinch when a hero in a movie gets kicked in the groin.
6. Women have predominantly chest-type breathing. In men, the muscles of the abdominal press are actively involved in the breathing process.
7. A woman doesn't bite a cigarette with her teeth. She doesn't leave it in her mouth, but always holds it in her hand.
8. When yawning, a woman covers her mouth with her palm, not her fist.
9. After taking a bath, a woman - whether she has long hair, short hair, or has recovered from typhoid fever - will always wrap a makeshift turban of a towel around her head, even if only for a minute. The reasons for this Eastern ritual are unknown.
10. A woman is almost not annoyed when underwear gets stuck between her buttocks. The fair sex happily wears all these torture devices called bikinis. In addition, a woman usually does not try to discreetly adjust her underwear from behind, getting up from a chair.
11. When swinging to throw something, a woman moves her arm not to the side, but backward. That's why women were never sent to blow up tanks.
12. Women like these tattered brooms, from which so much garbage comes. They call them compositions of dried flowers.
13. When greeting with a handshake, a woman hardly shakes hands. The poet Voloshin said that a woman's handshake is like offering a dead infant.
14. When turning around at a call, a woman usually only turns her head. A man turns his whole body, because he has a much less flexible neck.
15. Women are afraid of spiders, worms, and mice. They also don't like caterpillars, even the most beautiful ones.
16. The vast majority of women believe that washing with soap and water is harmful. (If you want to know what exactly they wash with, open any women's magazine.)
17. When asked to show their hands, we honestly extend our open palms. Women extend their hands with their palms down, presumably to demonstrate their impeccable manicure and the size of their diamonds.
18. The words that a woman says, hitting her fingers with a hammer, can be broadcast on the radio "Hope" without censorship. What a man says in such cases cannot be broadcast.
19. Women open beer bottles with beer bottle openers.
20. When going up or down a mountain, women try to go sideways. Men simply widen their stance.
21. When looking at their heels, women prefer to turn around on their backs. We just turn the raised foot.
22. Women don't like to have their hands free. Therefore, they always carry a purse with them - to fidget with the strap, hold it by the edge, and endlessly rummage through it. If there is no purse, anything will do - a fan, gloves, a book, a flower. Women cannot stand standing or walking with their hands down, not doing anything - at worst, they will cross their arms on their chest, hiding their palms under their armpits and sometimes unconsciously tugging at the straps of their bra.
23. Women have a rather indifferent, detached attitude towards their genitals; they are almost strangers to each other. Women do not talk to them, do not give them funny nicknames, and do not get offended by them.
24. When walking on hot stones or sand, a woman walks on tiptoe. A man steps only on his heels.
25. When sitting, women squeeze their knees together or simply keep them parallel. That's why it's preferable to have a woman sitting next to you on public transport.
26. When stretching, men spread or raise their arms, while women bend them at the elbows, pressing them to their sides.
27. The desire for compromise, inherent in women, is reflected in how they tell dirty jokes. They may even dare to tell a very lewd joke in public. But they will mumble the key word so indistinctly that no one will understand anything. More often, they try to convey the indecency with facial expressions, gestures, and a desperate expression.
28. Women tie the belt of their robe above the navel, while men tie it below.
29. If a woman's zipper comes undone on the street, she is quite indifferent to this circumstance and calmly zips up her pants.
30. Women cover their ears with their fingers, while men usually cover them with their palms.
31. When you ask a woman to pass you a lighter, she passes you the lighter, and doesn't test your agility and reaction.
32. A woman never takes off her T-shirt by grabbing the fabric on her back.
33. If, from the point of view of women, a man has not evolved much from a monkey, then we, in turn, can also note some atavisms that our women have inherited from their four-armed ancestors. For example, the habit of spending hours looking for insects in their partner's fur. In the absence of small arthropods, women are content with eels and pimples.
34. A woman puts on gloves before going outside.
35. When lifting a heavy object, a woman will try to move it to the side. A man carries the load in front of him.
36. Women prefer to carry small change and large bills in the same place. Their pockets rarely jingle.
37. When hitting with a fist, a woman extends her thumb forward.
38. When women sit, they have a habit of tucking one leg under them and resting their heel on their groin. We don't allow ourselves to do that.
39. To wring out wet laundry by hand, a woman takes it with her palms facing up, while a man usually takes it with his palms facing down.
40. And also: after sex, a woman doesn't want to sleep, but to talk and kiss.