Fun

5 days of a woman's stomach

Monday. Morning.
Okay… I got dressed, left the house, and dragged myself to work. But who's going to make breakfast? Where's my porridge?! Oh, go ahead, have another cigarette… And I'll give you a little nudge! Oops! Doesn't feel good, does it? You shouldn't smoke on an empty stomach. What's going on here?!
Day. Well, it's clear now. On Saturday, she decided she had cellulite, and since Monday, we've been on a diet. Damn! Did anyone even ask me? No, I'm not just some accessory; you can't pull these stunts on me! Activating medium-level rumbling. Hmm… no way, sweetheart, shove your kefir where the sun doesn't shine! Increasing the rumbling, adding sound effects, preparing for a spectacular display of gurgling.
Evening. I WANT TO EAT!!! I WANT TO EAT!!! GIVE ME FOOD! I DEMAND A PORK CUTLET!!! EATTTT!!!
Night. Forget about sleep! I won't shut up; I'm hungry. I want to eat, you know?! I don't care about your diet. I want to eat. Okay, go ahead, try to sleep! I could go for some borscht right now, with sour cream…

Tuesday. Morning.
So… you're going to keep torturing me, huh? I'm still without porridge, right? Your cabbage leaf was digested by the esophagus because it was so hungry; nothing even reached me! Damn, I got stuck with a real idiot! I spent the whole night envying Natalia Krachkovskaya's stomach…
Day. My strength is fading; I'm sending impulses to the brain, and the brain is sending those impulses to my rear… no one has ever returned from there. Damn, what should I do? More kefir. I HATE KEFIR!!!
Evening. I'm rumbling with all my remaining strength, but she's not paying attention to me, the bitch…
Night. And it's even tastier if you fry young potatoes in butter… with a golden crust… and with sour cream… or mushrooms. You can fry them very deliciously… burrr…

Wednesday. Morning.
I got a little bit of salad – it grows in the ground, what a terrible thing! I'm starting to forget what porridge tastes like – something soft, warm, enveloping… bu-urrr…
Day. Hooray!! Kefir! Kefir! I want more; don't take it away, aaaah! MORE KEFIR!!!
Evening. There's nothing left of me; the organs in my pelvic area are laughing at me. I've shriveled up, shrunk! I barely digested two radishes; I'm losing my skills.
Night. I remember when we lived with our parents, we always had soup for dinner! And salad. And a main course with a meat side dish – my stomach and my dad's stomach would gurgle with pleasure in unison… Oh, what made you decide to live independently?!

Thursday. Morning.
At least she's not smoking! Sorry, honey, it's involuntary – well, never mind, I'm empty anyway, so I'll feel nauseous and it'll pass… But where's the salad I'm supposed to have?! WHERE'S THE SALAD?! It's outrageous…
Day. Hello, kefir! I need to digest you more slowly, or I'll just sit here like an idiot until tomorrow.
Evening. I talked to the intestines – they're all in shock too; they say the reserves are running low. You can't do that – take away the last bit! Oh, oh, be careful! Those are big plums – and they're all for me?! Damn, I'm going to digest them!
Night. These damn plums – I can't seem to digest them, I'm exhausted… Sorry, guys, I'm sending you what I can – you can figure it out from there; you have 8 meters, and I'm just one…

Friday. Early morning.
We're sitting in the bathroom, seeing the plums off.
Morning. I can't believe it! I got yogurt! Maybe the plums gave her a brain?! It should happen more often! I wish we had potatoes for lunch! With chicken…
Lunch. Kefir.
And the homeland generously watered you with gastric juice…
Evening. We're sitting in a restaurant with some guy and sniffing other people's food. Well. Come on! Order something for yourself! We haven't eaten all week… Quiet! He told her that she had lost a lot of weight! That she needs to eat! That she looks great! Well?! Aww, good job! Aww, you're a man!!! Eat! It worked! Now I'm going to eat!!!
Late evening. Well… burrr… something's messing with me… What's this? Mushrooms… and that… hic! Martini… bu-burrr… oh, vodka… I respect that… It's so good, guys! Shut up, liver, everything's under control!…
Night. Goodbye, mushrooms! Goodbye, vodka! Potatoes!... I hope you choke, Ikhtiandr! When I think about how much good food is being wasted…
Oh, mineral water, come on in… we're on a diet.