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3.5 (4 ratings)
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- Well, we bought the car, where are we going to get it insured?
- I've already called four insurance companies. The first one turned me down, the second one turned me down, and the third one turned me down...
- What about Rosgosstrakh?
- They turned me down too. They explained that they don't insure washing machines against theft...
***
- This is from fatigue, this is from nervous strain, and this is from depression.
- Thank you, doctor, thank you... Do you have anything besides vodka?
***
In Russia, a double solid line should be at least 40 centimeters high.
***
The path to a woman's heart lies through her refrigerator.
***
Smoking light cigarettes is like soaping a noose with baby soap.
In reply to Слоныш
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- Can the birth of a child in a family become a cause of conflict? - Yes, if the child appears late... and while someone is intoxicated. Soldiers are peeling potatoes and discussing the hardships of military service: - My sergeant is a real beast. - Mine is like a woman. - !?
- All he thinks about is uniforms... At the entrance to a supermarket: - Sir, please take the oranges out of your pants pockets and put them in the storage locker. - These aren't oranges, they're eggs. - Even more reason to. And what else do you have there, sausage? Professor Zaupokonsky considered his surname to be noble, perfect, and even symbolic for lazy students. But the students didn't think so and improved it whenever they could... The Orthodox community is summing up the results of the competition - "love the church, love your mother!" The winners are: 1) A local perfume Factory, for releasing the powder - "dust of St. Pafnutius." 2) A plumbing Factory, for releasing the fountain - "a pissing Orthodox boy" and "a stream of faith." 3) A psychiatric hospital, for releasing the newspaper "Holy Fathers Among Us." A special prize goes to the city bathhouse for selling brooms - "To Holy Places." Two football fans are talking. The first: - You know, every time "Spartak" scores a goal against "Zenit," my dachshund does a somersault. - Cool! Which way does it do it - to the left or to the right? - It depends on which foot I kick it with... There will be no New Year. The current one will go for a second term. Due to numerous requests from workers in Russia, a transition to another "off-season" time is being introduced. Now, every citizen has the right to set their watch back by 24 hours at any time of the year, on any night from Sunday to Monday. Tomorrow, Russian TV viewers will not be able to see the weather forecast. The Hydrometeorological Center has run out of coffee grounds. "...there is also a copy of the book "Complaints and Testaments" on board the aircraft. We wish you a pleasant flight!"
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I find this joke amusing: If cigarettes are labeled "light," then vodka should be labeled "liver." :D
"Единственное, что можно сказать с уверенностью об удаче - она изменит..."
In reply to Amko
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Does everyone remember how PREVED came to the Russian internet? :rolleyes:

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A New Russian by the Lukomorye

A new Russian by the Lukomorye,
A golden chain on his Russian attire,
A French малиновый jacket,
And a mobile phone inside;

And in a 'Mercedes' a 'Sony' TV,
In a 'Volkswagen Passat' - a second one:
There are wonders: there a thief in law
Lives in freedom, like a hero;

There, at unseen gatherings,
Traces of undeclared salaries;
A beauty in just sneakers
Shows off her facade;

There, stadiums are full of clothes,
There, at dawn, waves arrive
Of dark and daring merchants,
And a squad of agile riot police,
With weapons and in black masks,
Knocks them to the ground.

There, a racketeer, deprived of tribute,
Captures a cunning businessman;
There, a businessman with a minister in the bathhouse
By the will of his godfather
Brings the deal to an end;

There, a prostitute serves as a doormat,
And a brave cop harasses a homeless man;
There, a killer, who is no fool,
Administers his own justice in broad daylight.

There, a warehouse is burning, there, an explosion rocks!
There, the Russian spirit: there, it smells of Russia!

Added 45 minutes later
Background: In the Moscow metro, there is an advertisement: "I am fighting game addiction! Tel. 545-58-XX". A recording of one of the conversations with this service.

Young man (hereinafter M): Hello, is this "I am fighting game addiction"?

Operator (O): Hello! Yes, this is the youth affairs department, Irina, I'm listening.

M (in a low voice): Listen, there's a guy walking in front of me, and he's playing Tetris on his phone! What should I do?

O: Excuse me, what do you mean?

M (impatiently): Well, damn it, there's a guy walking down the street and playing Tetris, or some other crap on his phone. What should I do about it? Can I punch him in the face?!

O: Wait, don't do anything. Your task is to report underground gaming halls and persuade your friends not to go to gambling establishments.

M (interrupting): Yeah, right! Look, there's a guy walking, messing up his brain with a game! He's the future of the country, for God's sake, he should be reading a book! Can I punch him in the face, huh? Or just take his phone?

O: Please, don't do anything! No violence!

M (in a hissing whisper): But he's playing, damn it! He should be doing sports! Don't worry, he's just an eighth-grader, I can punch him in the face without any problems! He's a total loser, and he's wearing stupid pants! I'm going to take his phone right now! What should I say to him?

O (hurriedly): Stop, please! It's not your business, we'll deal with him at school. Your task is to find underground gaming clubs!

M: Forget it, I just wanted to help. He's running away somewhere - he heard, the bastard! I'm going to hit him! (the sound of footsteps is heard on the phone)

O (shouting into the phone): Young man, stop! You don't need to do anything, wait! Young man!

M: I'll call you later! (hangs up).
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In reply to Amko
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It's an old joke, but it's funny :)

This Saturday, my friend and I decided to visit some friends. We went to a store to buy vodka and juice, and we were already a bit tipsy. I asked the saleswoman, "Is the vodka good, not fake?" And she said, "Go ahead, guys, the vodka is very good; no one has complained yet!" My friend and I burst out laughing... "because no one has complained yet!"

“On the door of the head of the Department of Nuclear Physics: ‘Head of the Department of Nuclear Physics, A.F. Sobakin.’”
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Sports Commentator Quotes:

What a technical way the athlete licked the bar!
* * *
When he starts putting the ball in play, my eyes go dark—not just from the color of it, but from his dribbling.
* * *
His teammates didn't use Tikhonov for his intended purpose.
* * *
To conduct the draw, we are putting the referees in the drum.
* * *
Of course, it's hard for the athletes—it's not like drinking beer. Or wait, what's this I'm having?
* * *
I have the impression that Bubka's pole grew after the break.
* * *
Gretzky is clearly upset. You can see it even from Ostankino.
* * *
Dirty, sweaty, and hideous—that's what football is.
* * *
They gave the ball to Onopko so he wouldn't get bored.
* * *
This is Ronald Koeman! You surely recognized his curly legs...
* * *
With a sense of duty fulfilled, the Armenian defender rises from our forward...
* * *
The veteran Korchnoi showed his elderly but sharp teeth.
* * *
Well, the referee knows best. For the fourth time now, he knows better than we do.
* * *
Look at how magnificently the horse shimmers under the rider!
* * *
I've somehow lost track of Ronaldo. He's not on the field, nor on the bench. Maybe he's hiding somewhere?..
* * *
The referee jumped like a ballerina, but the ball got him there too.
* * *
World champion Olga Sedakova tried to perform in synchronized swimming with a man. I envy the man.
* * *
Titov received a pass from the Austrian. A good pass. You won't get one like that from your own.
* * *
The Torpedo player threw himself under the ball like Matrosov under a tank.
* * *
Hierro shoots, Raul puts his head in the way, but the ball found Onopko's head.
* * *
Fowler is understandable. I mean, of course, it's irritating when the opponent's backside is right in front of you.
* * *
In the struggle for the ball, he pushes the forward back and takes possession of him.
* * *
Out of frustration, Oliver Kahn threw off his gloves and played practically naked after that.
* * *
One can only marvel at the speed of African runners: you can't really run fast in the jungle.
* * *
Goalkeeper Vorobyov was ready for this and spread his legs just in time...
* * *
The coach is acting very actively on the sidelines: shouting, gesturing, drinking, and occasionally smoking...
* * *
Gusev is performing the role of a deep-lying midfielder today.
* * *
The linesman is striking beautiful poses. Perhaps he used to do ballet.
* * *
Fowler: a hunched gait, a vacant stare, everything is slipping from his hands, from his feet...
* * *
The projectile from the bombardier Kulik's cannon shattered against the fortress in the form of Berezovsky.
* * *
That's a pass to someone from his family or close friends in the stands.
* * *
The defenders stopped, and the forward calmly executed the goalkeeper.
* * *
The Finnish player is lying on the ice against the rules.
* * *
Krivov's long shot was surprisingly crooked.
* * *
Portugal vs Germany: post. That's the information they're relaying to me from Moscow.
* * *
A fan ran onto the field, having appeared from nowhere and vanished to nowhere.
* * *
I hope the footballer is alright, although they are carrying him off the field feet-first.
* * *
The referee looked so intently into Bergkamp's eyes that he nearly burned a hole in his back.
* * *
What a powerful and cunning blow Rivaldo dealt to the ball's back!
* * *
"Bayern" is sitting as a whole team, hanging on Real's goal.
* * *
If you're playing as a full-back, then play it—no need to run around!
* * *
This is a footballer with the habits of an ostrich.
* * *
On the right, like an "Our Father," stands Kosovsky.
* * *
Footballers who do not yet have offspring are advised not to stand in the wall when Carlos takes a free kick.
* * *
Today, the main referee is allowing the Madrid players to use parts of the body that are generally not meant for playing football.
* * *
It was "offside." We are sitting right opposite that moment.
* * *
I won't let my thoughts wander all over the football field.
* * *
Tikhonov is a real star. If I'm wrong, astronomers will correct me.
* * *
I don't know what the goalkeeper stopped the ball with, but it got stuck between his legs
* * *
The Portuguese are moving forward. They've simply abandoned their own backside.
* * *
He saw the opponent's mistake and gripped it with a death grip.
* * *
Out of joy from scoring against such a strong opponent, Baggio hung himself on the goal.
* * *
The referee pulled a dismissal out of his trousers.
* * *
The Albanian tried to clear the ball awkwardly and caught our footballer's leg with his head.
* * *
Smertin is omnipresent today—he just attacked the opponent's goal, and now he's already rolling on the grass near his own.
* * *
The Japanese player almost pulled the footballer's underwear down. But everything was correct.
* * *
The Danish defender raised his leg, and... the Dutch attack sputtered out!
* * *
Krivov wanted to shoot accurately and powerfully, but it didn't work... Yes, his leather friend landed awkwardly on the player's foot.
* * *
Klinsman is promoting himself very actively.
* * *
Onopko receives the ball in the center of the field. His whole figure seems to say: "Who should I give it to?"
* * *
Rebrov scattered the defenders with his magic wand.
* * *
The Spartak player has the ball, a defender is in front of him. The Spartak forward felt a gap between the opponent's legs and quickly took advantage of it. Ye-e-es, the Spartak school!..
* * *
I remember that tough match in Kyiv: the footballers were pissing every step of the way.
* * *
Everyone is waiting impatiently for the referee to blow his tool of trade.
* * *
Julio Lopez shoots at the goal... Julio is a name.
* * *
The shot was very powerful. The ball hit the defender's head. If there are brains there, there might be a concussion.
* * *
Good for him, if he's looking for happiness in long-distance shots.
* * *
Shovkovskiy receives a pass from his life partner—Vladyslav Vashchuk. By the way, they are married.
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:D :D :D :D :D A soldier wakes up in the hospital. - Doctor, I can't feel my legs! - Nothing surprising. We had to amputate your arms. **************************************************** - How is your patient with the persecution mania doing? - He was shot last week... **************************************************** Advertisement: "Do you have a speech defect? Do you stutter? Can't pronounce the letter "r"? New remedy! Immunooceleistonatrichlorohydrocarbondon! Ask for it at the pharmacies in our city!" **************************************************** - You are under arrest! Everything you say can and will be used against you! - Naked woman! - What - naked woman? - Use the naked woman against me! ****************************************************** My name is Anya! For thirty years, I've been giving men manicures. And yesterday, I found out that it's not a manicure. :D :D :D :D :D
"Единственное, что можно сказать с уверенностью об удаче - она изменит..."
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I'll say it right away—I didn't write this... hm... no clue who did...
Anyway, let's get to the point.....
Do Chukovsky's books teach kindness?!!

My child is currently at an age where he needs bedtime stories. And of course, the most read author is K.I. Chukovsky. But in my childhood, I never suspected that the fevered imagination of a children's writer was capable of inventing plots and turns of phrase that would make Stephen King gnash his teeth in same helplessness from envy. Take "The Stolen Sun," for example:
"Only bug-eyed crayfish
Crawl through the gloom upon the earth,"

This is some kind of thriller, honestly. Personally, I imagine absolutely nightmarish black shiny monsters three meters long, with eyes on wriggling stalks. They sneak up silently in the gloom (note—not in the dark, but specifically in the *gloom*) toward an unsuspecting victim, crunch, and the person is snapped in half!

"And in the ravine beyond the mountain
Mad wolves howl."

Yes, yes. Specifically *mad*. With insane red eyes, with white foam on bared fangs. Lunging at everything living with a nightmarish laugh...

"And in the swamp Mother Bear prowls,
Searching for her cubs under the driftwood:
"Where have you gone, where have you vanished?
Or did you fall into a ditch?
Or did mad dogs
Tear you apart in the gloom?"

Mad dogs, if anyone didn't get it—they are the best friends of the mad wolves. And they live in that same gloom where the nightmarish crustacean monsters crawl. But how can one suggest to their own child that they were torn apart by dogs? Or is she saying this with hope in her voice?

"Dr. Aybolit." The apotheosis of sadism and hatred for all living things. Even as a child, the following phrase caused me bewilderment:
"My little bunny, my boy
Got hit by a tram!
He was running along the path,
And it cut his legs off,"
What kind of tram can be on a path? And what now, should one not walk on paths, since at any moment a killer tram could jump out from around the corner and cut both legs off for nothing? At age five, I almost developed pathophobia... But the continuation is touching:
"And now he is sick and lame,
My little bunny!"

Further—it gets scarier:
"And Aybolit said: "No matter!
Bring him over here!
I'll sew new legs on for him,"

New legs, did you hear that? Meaning the old ones got lost somewhere, are lying on the tram tracks, scaring old ladies to death. And Aybolit just casually pulls other legs out of a freezer and sews them on. With heavy-duty thread. Without anesthesia. To a screaming bunny spurting blood from severed arteries. And whose legs are they, one might ask? Leftovers from other patients who were less lucky? How many corpses are on your conscience, doctor?
"He'll run along the path again."
Presumably, until the next little tram...

"What is it? Could it be
That your children have fallen ill?"
"Yes-yes-yes! They have angina,
Scarlet fever, cholera,
Diphtheria, appendicitis,
Malaria and bronchitis!"
It's a good thing that Korney Ivanovich has limited knowledge of medicine. Otherwise, he would have infected the poor children with such things that it would be easier to kill them out of mercy. Although these diseases are enough to die in 24 hours... Appendicitis alone is something else. Fail to remove it in time—peritonitis and game over!

"Barmaley." Just one quote:
"But the villain grabs Aybolit
And throws Aybolit into the bonfire.
And Aybolit burns and screams:
"Ow, it hurts! Ow, it hurts! Ow, it hurts!"

Dedicated to Joan of Arc and Giordano Bruno... The stench of burning hair, the crackle of popping skin, the hiss of boiling subcutaneous fat. Hands and feet usually burn down to the bone. Loss of consciousness from pain shock doesn't happen quickly enough. Usually, the person being burned suffocates in the smoke first...

Aybolit is the favorite character of Chukovsky's narratives. Here is the apocalyptic scene unfolding at his door:
"And there, at the threshold, the wretched crowd:
Blind ducklings and legless squirrels,
A thin little frog with a sick belly,
A spotted little cuckoo with a broken wing
And hares, bitten by wolves."
The blind ducklings were apparently brought by the legless squirrels... Hares, bitten by wolves: fragments of bones protruding from open fractures, partially scalped carcasses, intestines dragging through the grass, smeared in blood and feces...

This author has a poem that shouldn't have been written at all. Just leave the title. It is genius on its own: "Hedgehogs are Laughing" (He-he-he... Leave some for me...). Another title: "A Fly in the Bathhouse." Surely a typo. It should be: "Muhahaha in the Bathhouse"...

The poem "Glutton" tells us about the dangers of hard drugs:
"I had a sister,
She sat by the campfire
And caught a big sturgeon in the fire.
But the sturgeon was
Cunning
And dove back into the fire."
Of course, I've never pulled sturgeons out of fires, but I did see the Black Man in my apartment one night. Let me tell you, that's way scarier.

Now a short test. I don't know what Korney Ivanovich Chukovsky was guided by when choosing rhymes, but whenever I read one section of the poem "Telephone" aloud, for some reason my wife always laughs... And I struggle to read it correctly myself. Now you try to put the correct word in the blanks (better to read aloud):
"And recently two gazelles
Called and began to sing:
- Could it be
Is it really true
That all the carousels
Burned down?

- Oh, are you in your right mind, gazelles?
The carousels didn't burn,
And the swings survived!
You, gazelles, shouldn't __________,
But next week
Should have trotted over and sat
On the carousel-swings!"

And what did you get? I got the same thing...

"The Giant Cockroach"... A tale of insectoid domination, which served as the basis for the authors of the movie "Starship Troopers." And in the very first lines we meet—guess who? You won't guess.
"And behind them crayfish
On a lame dog."
I wonder if these are the same crayfish and dog that were accomplices of World Evil in "The Stolen Sun," crawling in the gloom and tearing apart bear cubs?

"The wolves, out of fear,
Ate each other."
In my childhood, I remember agonizingly trying to imagine this scene. I even remember schematically drawing wolves eating each other to understand how such a thing is possible. It turned into something resembling an Ouroboros. And the action is completed: "Ate." Meaning nothing is left. Where did the eaten wolves go? Did some kind of micro-collapse of space occur and they snapped into another reality?
Well okay, let's leave that riddle to the physicists. But let the psychiatrists answer me—what rare disorder is this, eating the nearest person to you out of fear? After all,
"The poor crocodile
Swallowed a toad."
(Poor crocodile... yeah. And the toad is probably glowing with happiness, being digested alive in stomach acid...)
"And the elephant, trembling all over,
Sat right on a hedgehog."

Do you feel sorry for the elephant? I did. It must have been painful for her to sit on a hedgehog... And only now do I realize that you shouldn't feel sorry for the elephant at all... THE HEDGEHOG IS F***ED!!! He was flattened to hell!!! 6 tons of bone and meat onto an animal the size of a cat... There was nothing left to bury... No place for his wife and children to lay flowers... Everything that remained of the poor hedgehog stuck to the elephant's backside and was shaken off after ten steps. And you say... And what a stupid inscription will be on the gravestone—"Crushed by a trembling elephant ass"...
By the way, this same elephant in the poem caused another death. Just as absurd and tragic. And again for the reason that she was unable to control her own emotions:
"And the dandy-elephant
Dances so wildly,
That the rosy moon
Trembled in the sky
And tumbled head over heels
Onto a poor elephant."
One has to abstract from the fact that a moon falling to earth would destroy all living things for millions of years... Let it just be the elephant...

Returning to Aybolit. Remember, I had a suspicion that Aybolit runs an illegal organ bank. This suspicion only strengthens after reading "Toptygin and the Fox." We can even learn a bit about who served as a donor for the criminal doctor:

"Alright, alright, dear, I'm ready.
I have as many tails as you want.
There are goat ones, there are horse ones,
There are donkey ones, long-long ones.
I will help you, orphan:
I'll even tie on four tails..."

Mishka began to try on the tails,
Mishka began to walk in front of the mirror:
He applies a cat one, then a dog one
While glancing sideways at the Fox."

Draw your own conclusions...
Villains often appear in Chukovsky's poems. And what is the simplest way to defeat a negative character? A generation raised on Hollywood action movies shouts in unison: "Kill the bastard!!!" But long before Hollywood, K.I. Chukovsky preached this method of Good's victory over Evil. Moreover, with a lean toward cannibalism.
Recall: Barmaley was eaten by a crocodile. The crocodile, in turn, was broken by a bear. Old Man Spider was beheaded by a marauding mosquito. The cockroach was swallowed alive by a sparrow.
Do you still believe that Chukovsky's books teach kindness?

All of this is blatantly ripped off, but when I read Chukovsky to my child, it's not only these thoughts that come to mind...

P.S. Just how much do you have to practice to write the words "blanket" and "sheet," and then *not* rhyme them with "I'm f***ing fed up" and "bullsh*t"...

My apologies........
играю на уровне AI !!:smile32: ;)
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You can find anything on the internet, huh?
What do you think of this?
Варвары рулят!!
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Old. But something made me smile.
So, "Scribe, keep writing, for it will be rewarded!"




"Мы не герои. Мы сильны. Мы упрямы. Мы стараемся соблюдать условия контракта. Но мы не умираем за проигравших." Костоправ


"Мы не поклонники честной игры, если ее можно избежать. Девиз Отряда – максимальная эффективность при минимальном риске." Костоправ
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2 Clonish
I think I saw this picture somewhere on a website. It seems to be one of a collection of photos about the Haven faction. (about 20-30 photos).
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:D :D :D :D ****************************************** I have a "disable annoying things" button on my phone. I assumed there must be a "enable annoying things" button somewhere else. ****************************************** (young people, don't read this! :)) - Why are you so gloomy? - The boss called me in... - Did he yell? - He... anal-yzed... ****************************************** I was on a business trip in Karaganda for almost a week, and not a single jerk called to ask, "Where are you?" ****************************************** cinema "Flat Screen" "Transformers" melodrama. A joint production of France and the French. A young music teacher from a provincial town comes to Paris and unexpectedly leaves. What awaits her? Will she meet her love? And, most importantly, why is this movie called "Transformers"? :D :D :D :D
"Единственное, что можно сказать с уверенностью об удаче - она изменит..."
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The Tale of Repko

Once upon a time, after much thought,
Grandpa decided to start a garden.
And, unaware of any trouble,
He sowed a little bit of
Radish, parsley, and turnip...

And a huge turnip grew.
And Grandpa lost his peace.
Try to pull it out,
You need to call people,
But where do you find them for SUCH a task?

First, Grandpa called Grandma.
And Grandma replied - I can't!
My back hurts, she said,
And I don't feel like
Pulling this turnip out of the garden.

But Grandpa is an experienced gardener!
And he cured Grandma with a massage.
And - Grandma helps Grandpa...
But the turnip won't budge.
The turnip has become one with the landscape.

And then Grandma called her granddaughter.
And the granddaughter brought her dog, Zhuchka.
And they all pull and pull with enthusiasm.
But the turnip holds firm.

And Zhuchka ran to get the cat.
Who was looking out the window.
Although the cat is lazy,
But for the sake of the team,
The cat will help a little.

And they all pull and pull...
The parsley is wilting from the effort.
But the terrible turnip
Is extremely strong.
But they won't give up!

Then the mouse ran to the barn.
But when the mouse saw the turnip,
It came to help,
And started pulling with the cat.
This has never happened before!

And they all pull and pull the huge turnip out of the garden.
Gathering together,
In a huge, mighty group,
And oops! Hooray! Everything is fine!
:smile13: [ТУРНИР] "Гонка за Лидером" :smile13:
:smile28: [M] "Я и моя тень" - "I am and my shadow" :smile28:
:smile16: "Быстрая смерть" - "Fast Death" :smile16:

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