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For Slonyish: as funny as it is, my provider is Kolomna-Svyaz-TV, or KSTV for short. This is true at least because I live in Kolomna and thanks to KSTV I can surf the Net.
For SteN: cool vampires!
- What did Kai say as he left the Snow Queen's bedroom?
- No, not Ice!
- Russian hackers broke into God' same server and gave themselves infinite money and eternal life!
- Bill is gay, shhh!
Further reading for children under 16 to be done in secret from parents!
N 1. Languishing from the caresses of a classmate, Tanechka allowed herself to be moved into a horizontal position and lay on her back on the thick grass. At the same time, she managed to notice that the handle of the Big Dipper was at an angle of 35 degrees to the horizon. When the classmate, with the words "see, and you were afraid", finally detached himself from the girl, she was again able to determine that the handle of the Big Dipper had moved to an angle of 15 degrees to the horizon. How long was Tanechka in a horizontal position?
N 2. The organism of a normal tenth-grader contains 8 grams of sperm. After ejaculation, within an hour, the sperm reserve is restored to 70 percent of the previous level. Suppose that the youth ejaculates once an hour. How many hours will it take for 1 gram of sperm to remain in his organism? How much total sperm will he produce during this time? Is a situation possible where not a single gram of sperm remains in the organism of a normal tenth-grader?
N 3. Kolyan and Tolyan forced their classmate Lenochka. In exchange for her promise to keep quiet, the girl took 25 bucks each from the scoundrels. The next day she gave herself to Gennady, taking 5 bucks from him. Another day later, she allowed timid Igor to touch her between her legs, taking only 2 bucks from him. Podlyulka caught them in this activity. To buy her off, Lenochka
paid 6 bucks, and Igor added another 4 bucks. For whom was the pleasure cheaper - Igor or Gennady? How many bucks per day on average did Lenochka actually earn?
N 4. During a collective viewing of an erotic movie, Petya and Zina sat next to each other. Meanwhile, Petya's finger was making exciting movements inside Zina's intimacy. The noisy behavior of the classmates prevented the girl from concentrating on her sensations. In the end, she experienced twice as few climactic moments as the main female lead of the movie. How many climactic moments did Zina experience, if it is known that the main female lead had ten?
N 5. From point A to point B is five kilometers. At point A there is a dance floor, and at point B lives the beauty Lidochka. The dancing ended at eleven o'clock. What time will the clock show when Tolyan finally brings Lidochka to point B, if it is known that they
go at a speed of three kilometers per hour, making six stops: four small ones for half an hour each to kiss each other and two large ones for forty minutes?
N 6. Grandpa Porfiriy's bald spot is in the shape of a perfect circle with a diameter of nine centimeters. His spouse claims that Grandpa Porfiriy's bald spot was formed as a result of love affairs on the side. How many love affairs on the side did Grandpa Porfiriy have, if it is known that after each affair his bald spot increased by 0.5 sq
cm?
N 7. Solve problem N 6, assuming that before the first affair on the side, Grandpa Porfiriy already had a bald spot with a diameter of 2 centimeters.
N 8. (Oral). In a standard nine-story building, an elevator, moving without stops, rises from the first floor to the ninth in 21 seconds. Tenth-grader Tolyan takes off his girlfriend Tanechka's tights and panties in 4 seconds, his own trousers in 1 second, the feast of
the merging of young bodies lasts 35 seconds, they need another 6 seconds to catch their breath and 8 seconds to get dressed. What floor count must houses be built with so that tenth-grader Tolyan and his girlfriend Tanechka don't run the elevator back and forth, but manage to do everything while moving without stops on the way from the first floor to the last?
N 9. Tenth-grader Kolyan makes 35 frictions to reach the peak, and his buddy Tolyan makes three times more. And their girlfriend Tanyukha reaches the peak in 38 frictions. How many times and with whom will Tanyukha reach the peak if Kolyan is first and Tolyan follows immediately? And
if vice versa, Tolyan is first and Kolyan follows immediately? Justify your solution graphically using sinusoids.
N 10. Return to problem N 9. Suppose that Kolyan does not yield to Tolyan and wants to be first. At the same time, he very much wants Tanyukha to reach the peak specifically with him. Obviously, to solve this problem, the youths will have to contact Tanyukha repeatedly according to the scheme
"Kolyan-Tolyan, Kolyan-Tolyan". Calculate how many times they will have to do this until stubborn Kolyan hears that Tanyukha reached the peak with him. Use sinusoids.
N 11. Having skipped PE class, Denis and Angelica secluded themselves in the classroom. Denis can hear a person walking down the corridor 7 meters before the door of their classroom, and Angelica can hear them from 3 meters. To put his clothes in order, Denis needs 5 seconds, and Angelica needs 8
N 11a. A strict old female vice-principal is moving down the corridor at a speed of 2 km per hour. In what state will the same old vice-principal find the students if:
a) Denis hears her steps first;
b) Denis misses it and Angelica hears the old vice-principal's steps.
N 12. Solve problem N 11, assuming that their classmate Muflon is approaching down the corridor at a speed of 24 km per hour.
N 13. (*). Tanechka's love moans are audible at a distance of 12 meters, Zinuly's at a distance of 9 meters, and Katenka moans so quietly that she can only be heard from three meters. On a quiet night, all three girls decided to settle with their cavaliers in an open field, but in such a way as
to be at the closest possible distance without hearing each other's love moans. Determine the sizes of the angles of the triangle formed by the three couples in love. Draw this triangle on graph paper at a scale of one centimeter to one meter of open field.
N 14. The air supply in a wardrobe is 300 liters. An unlucky lover hiding in said wardrobe needs 2 liters of air per second not to lose consciousness. Through the cracks and keyhole, an additional 1 liter of air enters the wardrobe per second. How long can the unlucky lover stay in the wardrobe before losing consciousness?
N 15. Ninth-grader Tolyan bored a hole with a diameter of 6 mm in the wall of the shower room where his classmates were washing. In doing so, he could see the girls' knees, as well as what was 5 cm above and below the knees. The size of the floor in the shower room is one meter by one meter. When taking a shower, the girls stand in the middle of the booth. What diameter hole did Tolyan need to bore
to see what is at a height of 40 cm above the knees?
N 16. Innocent ninth-grader Anechka squeezes her legs with a force of 8 newtons (n). The well-known school ladies' man Tolyan tries to spread her knees with his palm, applying a force of 3 n. Using passionate words like "don't be afraid, no one will know" and "please, just a little bit", he manages to make the squeeze weaken by another 1 n. Furthermore, Tolyan knows that
a long deep kiss reduces the resistance of a girl's legs by 0.5n per hour. How long will Tolyan have to deeply kiss innocent Anechka before she spreads her legs?
N 17. The heart of Kolyan, excited by love caresses, beats 144 times per minute. Kolyan's heart returns to its normal rhythm (75 beats per minute) in 41 seconds. For his girlfriend Tanechka, the data are respectively: 130, 78, 72. Is there a moment when their hearts beat the same number of times per minute? After how many seconds
following the end of love caresses does it occur?
N 18. A man's most important organ in its resting state has the shape of a cylinder with a diameter of 3 cm and a length of 8 cm. The working end of the construction is a hemisphere of the same diameter. In its combat state, the enlarged organ has a length of 17 cm and a diameter of 4 cm. Calculate the volume
of blood, due to the influx of which such a wonderful transformation occurs. Neglect the compression effect.
N 19. On March eighth, Natasha received 18 notes of an erotic nature. In three notes, they declared their love for her; in four, they sternly asked if she remembered her promises; in five, they invited her to the cinema; in four notes there were explicit drawings; the remaining messages
contained lustful proposals. How many lustful proposals did Natasha receive?
N 20. During the summer holidays, tenth-grader Tanechka had several paid operations to restore her virginity. For all operations, Tanechka paid 96 bucks. How many times over the summer did Tanechka part with her virginity, if each operation cost 16 bucks more than the previous one?
N 21. A bouquet of flowers costs 1 rub. 35 kop. A chocolate bar is twice as expensive. Lipstick costs as much as the bouquet and chocolate combined. To implement the maximum program, Tolyan must give Tanechka a bouquet and lipstick, but at the same time it is necessary to purchase a pack of rubber-
technical products for 30 kopecks. Will Tolyan be able to implement the maximum program if he has 5 rubles?
N 22. (Oral). A bathtub holds 100 liters of water. Sitting in this tub, Kolyan displaces 40 liters of water. Irishka, sitting in the same tub, displaces 30 liters of water. How much water will remain in the tub if Kolyan and Irishka sit in it simultaneously?
N 23. Solve problem N 22, assuming that: a) Kolyan, while making Irishka feel good, displaces another 20 liters of water; b) Irishka, screaming with joy, splashes 10 liters. How much water will remain in the tub if conditions a) and b) are implemented simultaneously?
N 24. (*) Tanechka's mother almost caught her daughter in Kolyan's arms, who was forced to hide on a drainpipe. Unable to withstand Kolyan's weight, the pipe slowly detaches from the wall and begins to fall. Realizing this, Kolyan begins to slide down the pipe at a speed of 0.75 m/sec. Will Kolyan manage to reach the ground without being hurt, if it is known that the total height of the pipe is 24 meters, and the height from which Kolyan began his descent is 16 meters?
N 25. (*) Derive a formula for the optimal descent speed for problem N 24. Does this speed depend on the weight of the pipe? Or on Kolyan's weight?
N 26. During a love duel with ladies' man Kolyan, innocent Anechka said: "don't" - 15 times, "let me go" - 18 times, "no" - 16 times, "I'm afraid" - 4 times, "stop it" - 10 times, "I'll tell mom" - 1 time, "you'll tell everyone" - 2 times, "you'll leave me" - 2 times, "okay, let's" - 1 time,
"ow, it hurts" - 2 times. During the same time, Kolyan said: "Come on, come on, what is wrong with you" - 98 times. Who spoke more words during the love duel, ladies' man Kolyan or innocent Anechka?
N 27. Under the pretext of music lessons, tenth-grader Modest invited his classmate Vanessa to his house. Putting a record of Bach's fugue on the player, Modest and Vanessa began to hastily master an old, creaky sofa. What minimum duration must Bach have written his fugues for, if it is known that Modest and Vanessa's prelude lasted 67 seconds, the exposition was 16 seconds longer, and during the final allegro the sofa shuddered for only 7 seconds?
N 28. The vile seducer Kolyan took the innocence of his classmates: Anechka on August 10, Tanechka on August 16, Lenochka on August 20, Zinulya on August 22. Draw a graph on graph paper, plotting dates on the abscissa axis and the total number of girls deprived of their innocence by the vile seducer Kolyan as of that date on the ordinate axis. Analyze the resulting graph. Extrapolate it and determine the date from which the vile seducer Kolyan will deprive more than one girl of her innocence per day.
N 29. Return to problem N 28. Suppose there are 19 girls in the class and all of them are innocent. How many days will the vile seducer Kolyan need to deprive all classmates of their innocence, if August 10 and the fall of innocent Anechka are taken as the starting point? How many innocent girls will remain in the class by September first?
N 30. School ladies' man Tolyan developed a table of erotic values: - a glass of roasted seeds - 5 points; - one hundred grams of lollipops - 7 points; - a bouquet of flowers - 8 points; - taking someone to the disco - 10 points; - promise to marry - 12 points; - a pair of tights - 15 points; - a glass of port wine - 25 points. Select a set of erotic values with which Tolyan
won Tanechka's favor, if it is known that he valued them at 125 points.
The same erotic value cannot be used more than twice.
N 31. A detachment of sexually preoccupied grenadiers set up camp on the outskirts of Davalka village. In the detachment, there were 20 percent redheads, 30 percent brunettes, 30 percent blondes, and the remaining ten grenadiers were neither here nor there. Nine months later, 100 children were born in Davalka village: 50 redheads, 30 brunettes, 10 blondes, and the rest were neither here nor there. Evaluate the sexual activity of the redhead grenadiers relative to the blondes, assuming that each female resident of Davalka village had only one child. Exclude any possible influence of other men on said process.
N 32. After 12 hot kisses, one breast caress is allowed; after 12 breast caresses, one thigh caress is allowed; after 12 thigh caresses, one caress of the most intimate place is permitted; after 12 caresses of the most intimate place, one caress of the most intimate place with a bold penetration via the index finger is allowed. How many hot kisses correspond to one caress of the most intimate
place with a bold penetration via the index finger?
N 33 Over his long life, Grandpa Porfiriy saved 8000 rubles in Sberbank. In his will regarding the Sberbank deposit, Grandpa Porfiriy mentioned his wife, children, grandchildren and all his favorite girlfriends. How many favorite girlfriends did Grandpa Porfiriy have, if he bequeathed one quarter of the total amount to his wife, a second quarter to his children, a third to his grandchildren, and the rest for his favorite girlfriends, each of whom received 200 rubles.
N 34. For successful performance of marital duties on the first wedding night, the following conditions must be met: a) the alcohol content in the young husband's body must not exceed three grams per kilogram of live weight; b) the alcohol content in the young wife's body must be at least one gram per kilogram of live weight. Will Vasily and Vasilisa be able to perform their marital duties if he weighs 70 kg and she is 15 kg heavier? At the wedding, Vasily drank 200 g of champagne and 50 g of vodka. Vasilisa respectively 250 g and 150 g. The strength of the vodka is 40 degrees, champagne - 11.
N 35. To perform the ritual of "carrying in arms", the groom's weight must be 10% more than the bride's weight. In turn, according to labor legislation, the total weight of the carried load must not exceed: 60 kg for a distance up to 20 meters, 80 kg - for a distance up to 5 meters, 100 kg - for 1 meter. Calculate the maximum weight of the groom and bride for an apartment where the path from the entrance door to the bridal bed is 10 meters. Neglect the weight of the bride's and groom's clothing.
N 36. During the summer, tenth-grader Tolyan had erotic relations with several girls. 10 percent of the girls allowed him only little kisses, 20 percent of the girls allowed the rogue to stroke their tender thighs, 30 percent allowed kissing directly in their intimate places, and another 30 percent kissed and stroked Tolyan's most-most intimate place themselves. With the remaining two girls, Tolyan had full sexual-erotic contact. How many girls kissed and stroked Tolyan's most-most intimate place themselves?
N 37. Ladies' man Kolyan and his classmate (a prankster and a rogue) Irinka are lying and hugging in the thick grass of the nearby forest. Suddenly, Irinka jumps up and runs away at a speed of 10 km/h. Kolyan also jumps up, but is delayed at the start for 10 seconds due to the need to pull up his trousers. Then he runs after the prankster and rogue at a speed of 25 km/h. Along the
way, he makes another three stops of 8 seconds each, as his trousers periodically fall down. After what time does Kolyan catch the prankster and rogue? What distance will they run in the process?
N 38. By eating one "Vanka-Vstanka" beefsteak, you can add two more to two traditional love peaks. By eating a portion of "Erotica" ragout, prepared from young snakes, sour cream and walnut kernels, you can add three more to two traditional love peaks. At the same time, every hundred grams of "Flesh Longing" vodka reduces the number of possible peaks
by one unit. How many love peaks can Grigory achieve if he eats two "Vanka-Vstanka" beefsteaks, one portion of "Erotica" ragout and washes it all down with one liter of "Flesh Longing" vodka?
N 39. A tram covers the deserted stretch from the "Independence Dead End" stop to the "Paradise Bottom" stop in 50 seconds. The hot embrace of Kolyan and Tanyukha at the "Independence Dead End" stop grew into rhythmic thrusts with an intensity of 0.9 thrusts per second. It is known that to achieve full joy, Kolyan and Tanyukha must perform 69 thrusts. How many thrusts per second must they perform to manage to reach full joy before the "Paradise Bottom" stop.
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Laboratory Chronicles. Childhood.
June 15. First working day. Happy. Studies are behind me. I will be of use to society. Told the new boss this. He looked at me kind of strangely.
June 16. Getting settled. Getting acquainted with the slang and main values of the new collective.
June 17. Learned how to service optics. Using the thin-layer method. This is an extremely economical and multipurpose technique. The essence - drink about 50 grams of alcohol in one gulp without a chaser. An energetic exhale onto the surface being treated, followed by the action of a soft rag.
June 18. Another newcomer appeared. A mathematician. Shaggy, unshaven, with a thirst for activity in his eyes. The spitting image of me.
June 19. Went through basic literacy training. An excursion to the main installations, one of which is entrusted to us. Powerful hydraulic drives. Heating chamber. They say rails can be broken.
June 23. Indeed, they can. However, it's better to use infrared heaters to warm up lunches. Chickens in their own juice also turn out quite well.
July. The neighbors have a newcomer. A chemist. Combed, shaven, but you can tell by his eyes - he's one of us. He perceives the main values correctly and with endurance. He came up with drying clothes in a vacuum chamber. Brilliant!
August-September. Duties fully mastered. Work is performed easily and incidentally. Life is becoming bland. Boring.
September 5. Opened a radiation-stimulated method of alcohol production. Microwave radiation is focused on a vessel locked in a cupboard. Vapors are absorbed by a device installed in the exhaust ventilation. Up to half a liter is collected overnight.
September 6-20. Blissing out.
September 21. Bummer. The container moved to the windowsill. Re-aimed the emitters. Waiting.
September 22. Morning. What's this filth? Sour, smells of tequila. Lunch. Everything is clear. An error in the aiming angle of a couple of degrees. A cactus ended up in focus. Overfermented. Boiled over. Exploded.
September 23. Boss pinned me to the wall. Literally. With remnants of the cactus. We confessed everything. It turned out that the design of the antenna, emitter and composition of the absorbent were new and original. Bonus. The chemist now works with us. However, alcohol is already stored in a metal cupboard - microwaves don't get through...
September 24. An old-timer came by. Former boss. Had a private (he thought) conversation with us. "Listen to me, my dear fellow, in our case, a chemist, physicist and mathematician together is too many... That's a three, a seven, an ace - and that's it - total disaster, my dear fellow!.." - Here the cane in his hand pointed to the foundation, which for some reason is called building number 1. Our boss is adamant. He isn't giving us up. We swear to justify the trust.
spring. Driven out for a community cleanup day. Ruined an experiment. They will answer for this. The meadow in front of the building has been plowed. By them. And sown. By us. Waiting.
beginning of May. Observation platforms of exhaust pipes are the most visited place. From a height of 40 meters, the meadow is a blooming picture. Of a sharply erotic slope. Tall grasses sway in the wind, creating an alluring play of a pair of beauties... Makes me dizzy... Not everyone can descend alone.
May 12. Reached the management. Reprimand. We are digging up the meadow. With small sapper shovels.
May 20. Got a laser. Plus a coordinate machine for it. Cuts cardboard, leather and tin with ease. Doesn't take steel.
May 25. Modified the laser. Changed the pumping scheme of the working body. Introduced a drip-evaporative cooling system. Cut through armor steel on the first pass. Along with the machine. What to do now?
May 26. Were cutting titanium knuckles for dominoes. Breathed in vapors from the cooling system. Sometimes thought.
May 27. There is a solution! Participating in the SETI program, we will transmit signals in the optical range. According to the plan, at night the north-mechanics with an optical system capture objects of a given luminosity and track them for 2 minutes. Simultaneously, a codegram is transmitted by beam.
May 28. That's it! Turning it on!
May 29.
Morning. In the laboratory, looking at the installation, waited a general. Extremely politely asked if we were those same genetically and mentally deficient inventors. In his opinion, faces like ours can only belong to such people. Confessed. Asked how long our thing had worked. According to the recorders - 4 hours. The general exploded: - 4 hours! Two satellites have optics on [beep]!. And all three of these [skipped] [skipped] and [skipped]! If this [beep] is turned upward one more time, I'll [skipped] everything here to [beep]!.. We are scared. The general has about 140 kilograms of former-muscles; it would be enough for him just to sit... Scary. Lunch. They were giving the general something to drink. He recovered. Became kinder. Said that a probable enemy is worse off. He has problems with equipment on 5 or more satellites... So he's taking the installation, if war doesn't start by evening... Evening. Waited for war. Explained the idea to the general. He understood everything. Inquired about the content of the message. Let him read it. Became embarrassed. Turned deep red. "Well,.. oh!.. Well you know, <green glitches> - that's one thing, but <...> - that's too much. And further... Also too much..." - But now he looks with respect.
May 30. Boss led us to a fenced area of 2 by 6 meters. Explained that he personally would not skimp on monuments for all of us. Even bronze, even gilded ones. If one more time, [skipped], anyone!.. Swore. Pleaded. It worked out.
June. Worked honestly.
June 25. We have a newcomer. A Chinese man. Smiling, sedulous, diligent. We adapted him instead of an automatic potentiometer. Keeps the temperature perfectly. Not distracted by smoke breaks or meals.
July. Trained the Chinese man. Now he's active, smokes. Sees a multipurpose object in every device. Doesn't believe in canons and axioms. Already shaggy, not bound by traditions and stereotypes. In general, almost one of us. Pity that he'll leave soon. It will be hard for him alone.
July 30. Newcomers appeared. From the university. Stupid eyes, mouths open. Know nothing. Were we not like that too? We realize by comparison that we are no longer children...
Laboratory Chronicles. Maturity.
June 10.
Launched a low-noise amplifier. Registers pulse interference every 8 seconds.
June 11.
Analyzed the interference spectrum. Found the source. It's a radar at the city airfield.
June 12.
Tested new computers. Fourier and wavelet transforms are going great. Quake doesn't lag either.
June 13.
Tested monitors. After 3 minutes, a new bot appeared. We took him down as a trio. On the seventh minute, we finished him off completely. Boss ran in. Was very laconic and showered us with vivid imagery. Ears hurt. Sad.
June 14.
Shielded the amplifier. Grounded it. Grounded everything possible. Doesn't help. Alcohol doesn't either. Must finish off the radar.
June 15.
Thought. Soldered a circuit.
June 18.
Morning. Turned on the amplifier. Suppressed the radar with the new circuit. Selected the wave, phase and pulse shape. Suppressed it. No more interference on the amplifier. Lunch. A plane almost landed on us. Evening. Planes are coming in flocks. Turned off the circuit. Pilots waited for a pass-through. Tough guys with good reactions. Security fought them off. Then added some of their own.
June 19-22.
Heartfelt conversations with the security officer.
June 23.
Military arrived. Took the circuit. Praised it a lot. Then threatened us. We promised to keep quiet. By evening, a journalist came. We got him drunk and led him to the technical floor. No one has ever left there quickly. They wander for at least a day.
June 26.
From the morning, we lost to a bot in Quake. For about twenty minutes, we acted like meat. Boss came back feeling satisfied. There's no more talk of firing us. The journalist is howling somewhere, but he's reliably muffled by the ventilation.
June 27.
Boss is on top. We three are resting. A crushing score. Disappointing. Analyzed the cause of failures. Evening. Looked for the journalist. Stayed for the night shift. Found him. He's throwing nuts and bolts. Laughing and writing something on his laptop. Turns out he has radio access to the Internet. I'm jealous.
June 28.
Alas, we all have bad reactions. Hands can't keep up with the keyboard. Assembled manipulators controlled by brain bio-currents.
June 29.
Debugged the manipulators. Turned out they react to subconscious images. Everyone has bruises. Lowered the sensitivity of the input stages. Helped.
June 30.
Removed the manipulators. Not sporting and risks firing. Adapted them for the hot chamber where we work with radioactivity. Convenient, fast. Leaves more time for computers.
July 3.
The director came. Took the manipulators. Asked to make more. Spent all day trying to remember the control circuit. Failed. Wrong tobacco. No alcohol. Boss is on top again. Legends are already circulating in the building about an unknown person stealing food and alcohol.
July 4.
Vasya came by. Former employee. Now a big shot. Brags about GPS. Jerk. Bet his jeep that GPS won't help him. He doesn't believe it.
July 5
Prepared for the bet. Jeep windows are painted over. Vasya is ready. Laughing. We are also ready. Found a suitable cable for the new little circuit. The main thing is that the substation holds up.
July 6.
The substation held up until lunch. The jeep got stuck in a swamp about 120 kilometers from the city. Vasya is surprised. Thought he was in the middle of the city. We are happy.
July 7.
Not happy anymore. No circuit. No device. No computers. Stashed bottle is also gone. Rooms are sealed.
July 8-20.
Sitting in the lockup. Occasional meetings with the security officer. Reading in newspapers about incidents with ships and planes that lost orientation.
July 21.
Saw the boss. Speaks quietly. Nervous. Eye is twitching. Wants his mom. Remembers nothing.
July 22.
Military came. Threatened us a lot. Praised us a little. Asked us to work for them. For that kind of money - and actually work?
August.
We were wrong. Should have agreed. Now it's too late. Mastering saws and axes. Alcohol from local wood is bad. Work is going slowly. Inefficiently. Need to do something. So that trees go straight to the root, and branches are gone...
September.
Did it. Sitting in solitary confinement. They say a one-time clearing of five hectares of forest was noticeable from 20 kilometers away... Pity, the installation burned out too. The convoy looks askance and sneakily hits us in the kidneys. In vain. We didn't want to hit the barracks or the village. Sad. Waiting for the security officer and the military.
......
March 1. A new favorite in the women's sanitary lock - a baby rat.
White. Fed, petted, completely tame.
June 1. Grown up. No longer fed. Takes it himself. Tame, cute
animal.
June 2. I'll kill you!.. Minus one 12-wire measuring cable.
June 3. Minus two measuring-power looms. Poison obtained.
Bait placed in the sanitary lock under the table. Other
products hidden.
June 4. Morning. Bait disappeared. Dispute over how to find
the carcass. Lunch. Strange sounds under the false floors.
Evening. The animal is suffering and agonizing, wearing everyone out with its
squeaking. We are labeled as sadists. Boss noticed that after poisoning
there is usually thirst... What's he getting at?
June 5. Now it's clear. Two rooms flooded. In the others, water level is
under the false floors. Pressure cooling hoses of one of the installations
are completely gnawed through. All three. I wonder if _that_ one drowned?..
June 8. No. Seen twice during the process of bailing out water.
Moves freely through the ventilation system. Lean, energetic,
mobile.
June 9. Armored the same hoses for supplying water, air and, just
in case, oxygen. Set up to twenty rat-traps.
Bringing high-calorie substances into the laboratory territory is forbidden.
June 10. Nine went off. Bait eaten. Empty.
Celebrated the arrival of a newcomer. Yesterday's student,
cheerful, lazy, full of advice. Who drinks like that? Not one of us.
In general, doesn't feel like a "Vasya". We call him Pitrovich. He says it should be
spelled with an "e". An "e" must be earned.
Polished the trigger mechanisms of the traps.
Set them to be non-removable.
June 11. All went off. No victims. Pitrovich asks if we want
to catch her or fatten her up. He's asking for trouble.
Minus another two measuring cables.
June 12. Sealing cable channels between rooms. Putting
grates on the ventilation. The main thing is to push her out of
the experimental-test rooms.
June 15. Goal achieved - audio contact was clearly localized
in the same offices under the floors.
June 16. Computer lost its video cable. In the presence
of the owner. During a chase into the hole, three dewars of nitrogen were poured.
Water pipes thawed. Pitrovich looked into the clouds of cold mist. Laughs. Is he our enemy or what?
June 17. Studied the geometry of the underground space. Thought.
June 19. A plasma formation generator was made. Produces stable
clumps capable of an hour of autonomous
existence. In general, a ball lightning with 0.3 grams of TNT
equivalent. According to calculations, it should be attracted to dielectrics like wool.
June 21. Stable generation mode established. First ball went
under the floor... Second... Third... On the sixteenth, the crackle of the first
discharge was noted; noise under the floor - did we hit it?..
Twentieth... Crackle of a short circuit in the next room. Cursing.
A smell of burnt wool came with a weak shock wave. Did we get it?
No, but we'll have to chip in for Pitrovich's wig.
Looks like a beast. There will be no mercy for us. But who knew that somewhere there is
an unaccounted hole?..
Evening. Three hundredth sphere. Pitrovich is in a helmet and overalls, with a hefty steel chain trailing behind him on the floor. He caught another three charges.
The boss is pensive. Around him are half a dozen charges in the shape of a regular hexagon.
June 27. The second to last thing I remember is receiving an award for the generator. The last thing—in a drunken haze, we sketched out a scheme for directional charge generation for the buyers.
June 28. An entire instrument panel has been knocked out. We thought about it.
An idea! "Cold napalm"—it burns, giving only 100-120 degrees in the flame; it absorbs oxygen but does not ignite wood or paper. Reagents have been ordered. We'll give it a try.
July 3. At the press of a button, up to a ton of product poured synchronously under the wooden floor in all rooms. Green flames shot out of the vents like from a Martin furnace. The beast is finished!
July 4. Pitrovich maliciously brought three chewed-through ribbon cables.
Searching for burrows. Found one! I saw it. Flanks singed, limping on its hind leg, only a third of the tail remains. I threw a screwdriver at it. It didn't even flinch. In its eyes—the fire of jihad. Only one must remain!
July 5. The boss called me. We have an inspection commission—for hazardous working conditions. Ordered to meet them. If possible, without casualties. Getting ready.
A temporary screen in the form of two homeless hungry cats has been set up against the main enemy in the basement.
July 15. Ready for the commission's arrival. A maximally gloomy landscape has been created in the corridors: dim lighting and same-day installation of horribly creaking floorboards. Infrasound generators have been placed in the experimental rooms—tuned to general psychological depression. Electric field sources are set up in places—hair stands on end. A fake mutant ant was made and placed in a jar. A three-liter one. With alcohol. What sacrifices!
Outside the window of the main hall—along the radiation axis of the experimental unit—trees are singed, leaves torn off, grass burned out, and remains of small animals are scattered.
July 16. The meeting went successfully. Only one fainting spell. The commission signed everything. They even added things just to leave the building as quickly as possible.
The cats have losses. We reflected on this.
July 17. There is a solution! A metal "daisy" half a meter in diameter with seven petals. Made from a shape-memory alloy. When heated by 5 degrees, it instantly curls into a ball. We prepared three dozen. Set them up. Once a warm biological object steps inside...
July 18. Morning. Pitrovich's muffled screams. By lunchtime, we cut the trap off his head. He was speechless, but his look speaks for itself. It turns out that upon arriving in the morning, he saw an unfamiliar object, leaned over to look and breathed on it a couple of times...
Help arrived just in time.
July 19-30. Celebrating the award for the new alloy. Nevertheless, something must be done. We are losing the initiative.
August 1. Morning.
10 hours 40 minutes. Charging of the capacitor bank is underway. On the integrator—2 gigajoules... What?!.. 5... 6...! Isn't that too much?
10-41-02. I look around. Just in time. A thick copper rod lies on the melting insert of the limiter. With such a thing, you could even reach 20... Above the rod—a rat's face. Her?!
10-41-04 seconds. The end-of-charge sensor triggered. Now comes the pulse! At 17 gigajoules. Mother!..
10-41-05. I sounded the general alarm and set the emitter's guidance to zenith. I dove through the window. Lucky—missed the frame. Unlike Pitrovich.
10-41-11. Running away from the building. I look back. Employees are pouring out of windows—they aren't joking with our alarm anymore. On the second attempt, Pitrovich jumps out. Far to the left, the boss flies out. He catapulted himself in a fighter jet seat. So that's what he needed it for! With half-second pauses, pyrotechnic cartridges blast his safe, document cabinets, and a ficus far to the side. The man is experienced.
The last thing I remember—the body of a rat splayed in a jump against the background of the window.
Flash.
That's it.
August 7. I can see again. Only a box of walls and the foundation remain of the building. The plasma channel, as they say, reached the stratosphere. The interference caused by it lasted for a day.
August 8. Security is getting us in hand. Going somewhere, signing something... The first investigator has a conversation for the soul's repose, the second—for health... And then all over again. No tobacco. No alcohol. Bad.
August 15. We got away with it.
October. Moved into a new building. The blueprints saved by the boss were highly valued. By the military. It was enough for everything. Beautiful offices, twisted-pair network. Unlimited supplies to create a new unit. We'll live high!..
November 1. The first cable has been chewed through...
Laboratory Chronicles.
Three years later.
April 5.
It's good to be free! The boss doesn't want to see us.
April 6.
Being taken into a neighboring laboratory. Everything has changed at the institute. A new era has come. Everyone dreams of grants, collaborators, and money. There is no flight of thought. Boring. Alcohol is in short supply.
April 10.
The youth don't know how to play Quake. Not even the first one. The sophisticated logic takes its toll—money first, then work.
April 11.
Tried to overcome the lack of alcohol. Created a drink with ether additives. Brilliant! Fun and no smell.
April 12.
Our recipe was stolen. Children, they didn't know what they were taking. Our work journals are deadly dangerous for the uninitiated.
April 17.
That's exactly it. The neighboring chemists reproduced an extremely powerful hallucinogen. The exhaust fan didn't help. They carried the bodies into the open air. They lie in the fetal position and whimper. Judging by fragments of phrases and twitching, everyone is somewhere around the 5th circle of heaven. Pity. We wanted the opposite.
April 18-30.
Surprisingly, we are beyond suspicion. Worked, covered our tracks. Mastering new computers and programs.
May 1-10.
Was there a holiday or not? We don't remember. And not just us—it turns out the recipe went to the masses.
May 11.
Met with Vasya. He's a sponsor now. Gold chain, waving a pack of credit cards, gesturing wildly. Trying to provoke us.
He was wrong to do that. We have keyboards under our fingers. And a thick Internet channel. He'll find out soon enough that all his credit cards are canceled due to debts. For now, such a person has not entered the institute territory, has not entered the country, has not studied, has not married, and in general was never born. On the other hand, he is wanted by Interpol, marked as a member of terrorist groups. Armed and extremely dangerous.
May 12. In time, paper documents will be collected on Vasya and everything will become clear. And today we learned that a special forces battalion took him at home. Extensive destruction, there are casualties. During the explosion of a shock grenade, the target practically bit off his own tongue. While knocking a fork out of his fingers, the capture group broke his arm. In two places. Vasya won't be able to explain anything orally or in writing for a long time.
June.
The chemists returned from the hospital. Less than half. Movements and bodies are light, speech is slurred. However, by their looks, it's clear we aren't welcome here anymore... Sad.
June 15.
Industrial alcohol is becoming scarce. Our micro-robot was caught in the act of pumping the coveted liquid from another Boss's safe. It was presented as their own development. Now they get bonuses. If they find the programs adapted for the robot and the control module.
June 17. They found them. Or rather, we gave everything up ourselves. Their friends convinced us. Thanks to those friends. That upon leaving, they turned off the irons and removed the gags. What can I say, times aren't what they used to be...
June 18.
Gave up on chemistry and robotics. Changed laboratories. Now we are optical physicists.
July 1.
Signed a contract for the development of a three-dimensional holography system. It should provide a volumetric image in an arbitrary area within the emitter system.
July-August.
Worked enthusiastically.
August 20.
Everything is ready. We'll test it. In theory, if there's enough computer performance, there will even be animation. Mounted laser emitters along the perimeter of the institute fence.
August 21.
There is a three-dimensional image! There is animation! The rendering of a group of militants is very realistic. Security instantly reacted with automatic fire.
The control program glitched. The territory is filled with bugs from "Starship Troopers". From the wasteland side—two walking tanks from "Star Wars". Security holds a circular defense—incredibly strong psyche. The image is visible even outside the perimeter—reinforcements didn't even try to approach.
The substation failed again. By evening. We weren't shot only because they ran out of ammunition.
August 22.
The customer is satisfied. New video technology—cheap, realistic. We are rich now. Villa, car, bank account.
August 23.
No villa, no car, no account. It was very clearly explained to us how many people we owe. What can you do—Family is Family. Had to share. With our share, we bought a wine tester. For both of us.
September.
Dealing with the problem of cold nuclear fusion. They're watching us closely. As we understand it, the results will go toward five grants and three intelligence agencies. We don't care anymore—we have the first developments.
September 30.
The reactor prototype is ready for testing. We weren't allowed in. Not even on the territory—the criminal past took its toll. Stupid of them. How would they know that in the instructions, the mixture pressure is in atmospheres, but on the panel, the graduation is in pounds per square inch... The reactor melted through the floor, three stories, and went 70 meters into the ground. It stayed there, exhausting its fuel supply. As expected.
September 31.
Went to the mountains. Hid. Grew thin. Surrendered to state security ourselves. The officer said we have about three weeks. Then they'll find us anyway. We agree to anything...
November.
They took us literally. Alas, there is no way back. Floor—female. Blondes. Blue eyes. Working on beam weapons under the Star Wars program....
July 1
Working. In the neighboring laboratory—a newcomer. That is, a new woman. Have you ever seen a shaggy blonde?
July 3
Trying to get acquainted. Tomorrow is Independence Day. We should have fireworks... by the way Vasya... well, I mean Vanessa from lab three says they've put a new gun into orbit...
July 4
Made a salute. Alexandra from the neighboring laboratory remembered that she forgot to reorient the gun, but it was too late: the beam went into space. Sanek.. that is, Alexandra, drank herself into a stupor like a loader out of grief.
July 8
The Americans restored communication with the space station after a 4-day break. They complain that all onboard computers "flew out," including handheld Tetrises. Alexandra drinks brine and tries to smile.
July 10
The Boss came. Or rather, the female boss. Angry. Says the astronauts are fine, but the computers had a hard time. The computers were fried. Communication is maintained via a vacuum tube receiver that miraculously survived on the Russian segment. Asked how we managed to get THIS from an experimental model with half a kilowatt of power. We don't remember. Vanessa mumbles something about micro-programs, firmware, and resonance.
July 11-20
Psychologists and hypnotists flocked in. They are trying to pull details out of us. Physically. We're holding on for now. Together. They claim such a result is theoretically impossible.
July 25
They gave up. Too soon. Another three days—and we would have told them everything. Even what we don't know. Promised to stop if we build them another gun.
July 27
Started designing. The preliminary project taken from Star Wars doesn't please the Boss. Claims the size is too large. And the design is wrong. It won't fit in the shuttle's cargo bay.
July 28
Cracked the newcomer. She says they are testing rocket engines in their laboratory. On alcohol. Methyl own.
July 30
Understood what the problem is—there is no substation in space. We'll think about it. The idea to launch a substation there was rejected immediately. But there's something to it.
July 1
Remembered old developments. Once we built a cold fusion reactor—we'll use it instead of a substation. To have enough power, we increase all dimensions twofold.
July 5
The chemist came up with a catalyst. We'll try it.
July 6-17
Basking in bliss. Methyl alcohol + ethane + catalyst = anise vodka. Greatly aids thinking.
July 20
Catastrophe. Dropped a test tube of catalyst into the alcohol tank. So it wouldn't go to waste—splashed some ethane in.
July 21
The laboratory was closed. They are researching the remains of the catalyst. Ha! In such a volume! Half the commission is still on their feet, but no longer walks in a straight line.
August 15
Roughly, the gun is ready. Took it to the testing ground. We're also interested in what it actually does...
August 16
After all, we overdid it with the power. But a three-kilometer shaft in the lunar surface is undoubtedly a positive result. We'll think further. Alexandra says there isn't enough cooling. The drop-evaporative system doesn't help. Seems like a dead end.
August 17
Not a dead end! We'll use liquid helium-II for drop cooling. It's superfluid; it will drip two orders of magnitude faster! Only where can we get that much?
August 20
Mounted it. According to calculations, the power emitted by the unit is covered with a double margin. Let's try to write something offensive on the Moon.
August 21
Better if we hadn't tried. Sitting in solitary confinement. That "power margin" really helped us. At first, the unit worked normally and reached the letter i in the phrase Bush - Stupid!. But then the beam power control block froze. The cooling system detected a power increase and started supplying more coolant. Combined with the operation of the frozen gun, this produced special effects from Highlander. A typhoon appeared over the same installation before our eyes, a trunk descended from it, and the installation was sucked in. With thunder and lightning. Beautiful. Pity that in non-calculated mode, helium-II ran out faster than intended, and all this crashed at an altitude of about two kilometers. Not very hard. But effective. All electronics around for 50 kilometers were fried. And what didn't they like? Again, we didn't finish the inscription...
August 30
Still sitting here. On TV, we see reports of sudden hurricanes and typhoons hitting the Pacific coast of Eurasia
September 10
The laboratory is no more. Downsized. Or classified. The female Boss came. Said that, ideally, we should be shot because for all the "good" things, we've accumulated about five hundred years, but shooting us according to local law is not allowed, and out of old memories, we were invited to research rocket engines for improved characteristics. And those were also classified. Buried in a bunker and poured with concrete. Communication is one-way only. Once a month they will take us to the testing ground with samples. We joyfully agree—better than sitting in federal prison.
September 12
It was better in prison. At least there was a TV. But here... Tools are strictly accounted for, electricity is accounted for, materials—accounted for, and most frighteningly—alcohol is also accounted for. In general, a normal working environment. Waiting for the end of the month. Settling in. Produced a couple of minor improvements. Each, judging by the scientists' screams, is worth a Nobel if they gave them to engineers.
September 15
Alcohol is right there, at hand, but accounted for. Hands are shaking, eyes are doubling from desire...
September 16
Got it! Instead of seeing double in the eyes—let's see double in reality. Vanessa suggested a principle of half-division of molecules and subsequent synthesis with the addition of water.
September 18
Vanessa, you are gold!
September 22
Vaska, you jerk! Forgot to close the water supply—flooded the bunker, the shaft, and overflowed into the neighboring swamp.
September 25
Flatly refused to evacuate—the reaction is still continuing, after all. A commission arrived. Promised to drown us right in the shaft; we don't mind.
September 26
Explained to the commission that a new method of synthesizing rocket fuel directly in flight was found. The commission thought about it.
September 27
Better if they had drowned us in the shaft. They brought an echelon of tanks, pumped out all the product, and installed alcohol sensors in the laboratory.
September 30
Remembering old times...
October 1
Vanessa has a suspicious glint in her eyes. Hope the boss doesn't notice...
October 3 Vanessa is a genius after all. During the flood, some alcohol soaked into the plaster. Evaporating it isn't a problem. The problem is the alcohol sensors.
October 4 Alcohol sensors aren't a problem either. Vaska is a good lad after all. Now they react to Coca-Cola.
October 5-18 Enjoying ourselves
October 19 The female boss came and brought Coca-Cola. Didn't have time to warn her. The security system shot off the boss's hat, tore her tights, and broke 2 nails.
October 20 The boss's hysteria passed. She cannot understand why the alcohol has such an aftertaste.
October 21 Alcohol was taken away. All walls are steel sheets. Nothing to evaporate.
October 22 Sad
October 25 Poisoning cockroaches. A man in uniform came with dichlorvos.
October 29 Our micro-robot crushed all the cockroaches. The man in uniform chased the micro-robot for 4 days and sprayed it with dichlorvos. The robot managed to pump 407 grams into itself.
October 7 Enjoying ourselves November 6 Dichlorvos ran out November 7 The female boss visited. Suggested we become programmers. Thinking about it.
November 8 Decided. The boss won them over by saying we'd be given alcohol to wash keyboards and monitors.
November 13 Wrote the first program. Built a Mandelbrot set. Vanessa has been trying for three days to understand where its boundary is.
November 14 Washed keyboards and monitors with alcohol. Not bad.
November 23 The female boss gave an order for an online store. Wrote it in half a day. Already sold 34 T-90 tanks and 25 "Black Sharks". They passed as lawnmowers and kites, respectively.
November 24 An intelligence officer visited. Tried to get a cut. Praised us a lot, threatened more. Agreed on 40% for us from the tanks and 37.5% from the canned meat.
November 25 The store's rating went up. Already have orders for 15 missiles, 73 tanks, 14 planes, 2 nuclear warheads, and 746 felt boots. Spoke with the intelligence officer. Promised to get everything except the felt boots.
November 27 Judging by stock reports, we've really made it big. A tank now costs 2311 dollars; a pair of felt boots has topped 5000. The intelligence officer is nervous. Said he intended to learn the sewing trade. In vain. We've already learned how to make felt boots ourselves. Out of toilet paper.
December 1 Here comes winter. The female boss brought the first snow from the surface.
December 2 Vaska is a scoundrel. Ate all the snow while drunk. Now we wait another year.
December 3 Played around with the weather forecast. Guessed right. Got upset. Reprogrammed 2 weather satellites. Now it's snowing for us. Good.
December 5 A mustachioed man came. Said he was a banker, offered a pile of money if we made him an absolute network protection system for the bank.
December 6 The mustachioed man came back. Said the bank went bankrupt. No wonder—an hour after his arrival, access to accounts became free.
December 17 Christmas is coming, and we haven't thought of gifts yet.
December 18 The intelligence officer put a bug in the toilet. At first we were offended, then we were glad. Now we listen to the intelligence officer's office through it. The banker is in prison.
December 20 Almost finished the work. The sysadmin from the bank hasn't been able to understand for a week why instead of porn he's redirected to the FSB website. The banker is even more confused—the bank is thriving.
December 22 The online store proved its worth. Yesterday, we purchased a tank of alcohol through it.
December 23 New Year is coming. Thinking.
December 25 Christmas. Made a gift for the female boss. A palm tree. Out of a rail. Repeated the feat of Donetsk blacksmiths. Wonder how much they drank while making it.
December 31, 23:59 Via the internet, we stopped the clock hands during the chiming. People counted almost to a thousand. Then they lost track.
January 1, morning Vanessa doesn't remember if she managed to drink for her parents' health at night. No problem. Moved the clock hands back to 23:59 again. Put a montage of presidents from different years on central television. Fun.
January 1, evening The female boss arrived. At first she cried. Turned out it was from joy. This New Year was entered into the Guinness Book of Records in three categories at once.
January 4 The holidays flew by unnoticed. The tank is empty; trying to calculate consumption norms for the next purchase.
January 14 The sysadmin from the bank is in a psych ward. Vaska is in a sobering-up center. The banker is in Hawaii. So unfair, he could have at least said thank you.
January 15 The banker is back in prison. Now an American one. The sysadmin is also in an American... psych ward.
January 16 They sent us a newcomer. Small, thin, wearing glasses. Thought she was a librarian; turned out to be an economist. Name's Klimina. Doesn't know how to drink. Talks more. Got the nickname Klizma.
January 17 The newcomer is actually okay. Suggested organizing a sovereign state. Interesting thought. I'm thinking of running for president. Already thought through the campaign program. Point one: "repeal prohibition." Intend to win.
January 18 The UN recognized the sovereignty of the state. Established borders. Our bunker became the capital; territory within a radius of 925 meters 17 centimeters is recognized as ours. Beyond that, 17 kilometers of neutral zone.
January 25 Won the first democratic elections. A second point was added to the first point of my program: "Outdoor toilet." The result was shocking. 97% of votes are mine.
January 28 Enough debauchery! Time to work.
January 29 The female boss, intelligence officer, and a delegation from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs arrived. All together they asked for citizenship and offered to become our bureaucracy. Explained that a state without bureaucracy is not respectable. January 31 Vanessa was made Minister of Health. Alcohol declared as medicine.
4 years later.
March 1
We were taken into the institute of microbiology as lab assistants; promised a promotion if we behave well. The boss stopped by, complained about the lack of orders and sponsors, though at the same time he was solving problems with building a dacha over his mobile phone. It became sad.
March 8.
The boss congratulated us on the holiday; there were gifts, he kissed us—an unusual feeling. Promised an interesting topic. Didn't say which one, though. This is inspiring.
April 1.
Still no interesting topic, and no money either. Sitting and waiting, biting nails, examining them under a microscope—ve-ry interesting; tomorrow we'll go look under an electron microscope.
April 6
Found a DNA molecule, trying to decode the code; some things are working out, friends from California helped, shared what they could.
April 15
Decoded the DNA molecule from a nail, redesigned it in our own way; now no need to spend on nail polish, nails grow whatever color we want. Trying with eye color and trying to increase breast size.
April 20.
The boss's secretary came by, found out about our experiments, wants to change her appearance, ready for anything.
April 25
The secretary looks like Marilyn Monroe; she is thrilled. We have uncertainties; suspect that this will end badly.
May 3
The boss ran in, screamed a lot, claimed that female breasts are growing on him and the shape of his hips is changing; his male dignity has disappeared somewhere. It seems our preparations are transmitted sexually.
May 10.
Saving the boss; he's finally become a woman. We have a queue—some strange characters, no time to examine them, we're swamped.
May 14
Some general came by; first questioned us for a long time, then screamed, then pulled hair—it hurt. Turns out his boy was with us and left as a girl; now the whole neighborhood is of an ambiguous gender. Hospitals don't know how to treat them; parents don't know what to call them now. Looks like we're in trouble again.
May 18
Local healers came, demanded the recipe, promised big money. We explained that it was harmful. They didn't believe us. Left without the recipe, promised to return with a "roof" and threatened with dark forces.
May 25.
We were secretly taken to an uninhabited island; they said it's safer this way, as too many people are hunting us, especially sexual minorities.
June 20
The boss flew to us, spoke in a squeaky voice—apparently we couldn't fix everything. Said our town was classified, and the institute was surrounded by barbed wire and everyone who suffered from our experiments was herded there. Americans came, but they weren't let in.
June 25
The scorching sun is very bothersome; living on whatever we can find, dreaming of returning, thinking nothing will work out. We are monitored by two combat frigates and four patrol boats on raid.
June 30
We were stolen by American intelligence from under the noses of the patrol boats. Sailing on a submarine; no one knows what will happen to us.
June 31.
Yes, yes, exactly June 31. At least that's what the submarine's onboard computer shows. These Americans are like children; they believe in glitches piously, saying it should be this way. How were they to know that we turned their auxiliary radar toward a satellite, spent all night on the internet and caught viruses.
July 2
We were picked up by a combat helicopter. The boat is stuck fast; good thing it's not sinking. Well, so what if we installed a new service pack on their onboard server under Windows NT—the captain didn't object, and we wanted the best. Well, a couple of applications crashed, but you can't be like that. And what fool thought to entrust an NT with control over the power plant?
July 3
We were taken to a naval base. Summoned to their brigadier general. He first questioned us for a long time, was interested in how we managed to access the Internet via radar and how we killed the submarine's server, then screamed for a long time, saying they would recover the cost of the submarine from us. It was sad.
July 5
Finally, we were let out to breathe fresh air. Wandering around their base smelling flowers—strange smell, strange flowers, strange base. Looks like an ordinary hangar, but underground, they say, there are eight floors. Sitting on a steep cliff throwing pebbles into the ocean, then boulders—the splashes fly beautifully.
July 6
Divers are working in the spot where we threw pebbles. Turns out there are underwater gates where submarines enter. A couple of pebbles hit the gate leaves and the gates jammed. Flooded 6 underground floors.
July 7
Bailing water from the basements; two marines were assigned to us to watch what we're doing. Started talking—turns out they have no Internet at all, how do they live? In the barracks, we spent the whole evening telling them about what can be found on the Internet. Everyone is thrilled, asking to see.
July 9
Climbed onto a neighboring base. They have long-range tracking antennas. We adapted one of them for satellite Internet.
July 10
The whole base is sitting in chat. Pulling the network to the neighboring base. We are the most respected people around. Installing internet on some general's computer; he says the last time he turned it on was a couple of years ago when it was first installed. Showed him how to work, gave him a few interesting links.
July 15
Ghosts with red eyes from lack of sleep are slowly wandering the base. Cooks aren't preparing food; they say no one comes. No one has seen the general for almost a week. All computers on the base were used for internet, even those on combat duty. Trying to adapt radar screens.
July 17
Our base is a favorite spot for foreign spies and drug dealers. A bunch of boats are off the coast of the base and they're constantly reloading something—they say drugs. No one pays attention to them. This is alarming.
July 18
Someone from the general staff flew in; couldn't land because our airport dispatcher got hooked up via ICQ with a prostitute from Los Angeles and didn't react to external influences.
July 20
Regular units of American troops are moving in our direction; they say two aircraft carriers will be on raid tomorrow. Newspapers write that some Russians ruined the operation of a large naval base and the CIA has put large monetary rewards for our heads.
July 23
Sitting in the CIA. Some colonel is walking before us and questioning how we managed to get internet from a military satellite where internet was forbidden, and because of us its work was paralyzed for a week. Then he screamed and cursed for a long time. Said we are a threat from the east, labeled us as spies and said people like us should be put in rooms with bare walls.
July 24
Sitting in a room with bare walls. Waiting to see what happens next.
Life is improving
Mid-October. Invited for an interview at Siemens. Brought a bunch of certificates, dressed up and put on a smart look. As a trial task, I was asked to draw some flow chart. Drew it in 3 minutes with memories of 8th grade middle school. Spent the time before starting work in reflection.
January 7. Hurrah! Start of work. The boss told me to finish a useful function—the navigator should say "Turn now" before a turn.
January 8. Read source codes. Finished the function. Corrected minor errors along the way.
January 9. Neighbor brought a cake and treated everyone. Suddenly, an error he'd been searching for since December disappeared.
January 15. Launched the first version of "Turn now" with intellectual selection of distance-speed-turn angle. Went to test it.
January 16. Showed the boss.. He thought about it and went to find me a new task.
January 18. Tested. Found an interesting effect—the navigator suggests making a U-turn on the autobahn.
January 21. Found and fixed it.
January 22. Cake again, this time from another department.
January 23. Navigator suggested turning right at 150km/h on the autobahn. There was no sign of an exit from the autobahn. Bummer.
January 24. Fixed it. Went to check. Night, 30-degree incline, snow. Opel shows a speed of 30km/h, but the trees aren't moving. If you pull the handbrake—the car slowly but surely slides down. Navigator suggests "return to road." Unpleasant and strange.
January 25. Went there again in my own car, drove there and back. Found no ice.
January 29. Re-read stories about black magic on the internet. Nothing written about Opel.
January 30. Unexpectedly, the boss gave a new task.
January 31 - February 8. Working productively two hours a day; rest of the time—reading sporu.net/new and anekdot.ru
February 9. Read it. Boring. Crashed one of the UNIX servers. Turned out that internet was routed through it.
February 10, 11. No internet; have to work. Wrote half the task, gave it to the boss.
February 14. The boss came enlightened, clarified that I have another 2 months for the second half of the task. Sitting and being bored. Lack of internet prevents me from looking for a new job.
February 15. In the morning at the security gate, people were handing out beer openers with the inscription"Trade Union". The day passed in agony, as drinking at work is forbidden. On the other hand,
I discovered that a bottle opener is convenient for bending the edge of a table and other small things.
February 16. Hurrah, our network is back. We are on the internet again. Reading books from lib.ru.
February 22. Decided to check if the bug in the UNIX server had been fixed. It hadn't. Sitting
reading lib.ru, but from a compact disc now.
February 23. A colleague asked for some of the source code so he could integrate it into
a new navigator. He ignored warnings that this was a test version.
Now all new navigators by default drive to the nearest cemetery. Luckily,
it didn't go into production.
February 24. No internet. Trying to restore
the internet through the same security hole. Fixed it.
February 25. It turns out that last night a team of four
administrators arrived to observe strange phenomena in the server's operation. Quickly
stashed the UNIX certificate in a drawer. Answered questions evasively.
February 26-28. Worked productively for three hours a day. Found a bug in the
time-tracking system, and while at it, finished the second half of the assignment.
March 1. Received a letter from the boss saying that the development deadline is being extended by a month. In
response, I sent him the completed assignment and went home.
March 4. The boss stared at the screen for a long time thoughtfully, saying something incomprehensible.
March 5. The boss went to France on a business trip, from where he sent an e-mail saying he is taking
vacation until the end of the week. He didn't send a new assignment.
March 6. Boring. Read "Laboratory Chronicles" on prokofiev.ru and realized that I
am not alone in this cruel world.
Added after 52 seconds
And they say vodka is bad for your health...
A glass of vodka destroys 1000-2000 cells in our brain.
Dead mental cells do not recover.
There are about 3 billion cells in the brain. Up to 10% are active.
Consequently, 2.7 billion are redundant. One glass = 1000 cells.
Consequently, a person can consume 2,700,000 glasses without harm.
In terms of vodka, 2.5 glasses = 1 bottle; therefore 2,700,000/2.5 = 1,080,000. This means, considering that the maximum lifespan of an alcoholic is 55 years, and he starts drinking, well, let's say at 15, we have 40 years of experience.
Convert to days: 40*365=14000.
Divide the dose by days: 1,080,000/14000 = 77 bottles of vodka daily.
Conclusion: it is possible to die from a lack of cells if you drink 10 bottles of vodka
for breakfast, 40 for lunch, and 30 for dinner.
Which was what needed to be proven.
