Posts from Fun

There's a funny anecdote I heard from my sister, and students will especially appreciate it:D:
A student dies and ends up in hell. A devil asks him:
-Which hell would you like: the student hell, or the regular one?
-The regular one! I've seen enough in student life!
The student ends up in the regular hell and is surprised. Every day, there's drinking, girls, fun, but there's one drawback: once a day, in the evening, a devil comes and hammers a nail into his butt. The student endures it calmly. But after half a year, he gets tired of having nails hammered into his butt and asks the devil to transfer him to the student hell.
There, he experiences an even bigger shock. Everything is the same as in the regular hell, but there's no devil with a hammer. The student enjoys it for half a year, but one day a devil comes with a bucket of nails and says:
-Well, student, it's time for exams!))

400 facts about Mikhail Porechenkov
Title: "Day D".
Directors: Mikhail Porechenkov, Ekaterina Pobedinskaya.
Cast: Mikhail Porechenkov, Alexandra Ursulyak, Varvara Porechenkova, Mikhail Trukhin.
Russia, 2008.

1. Mikhail Porechenkov, as well as Mikhail Porechenkov's daughter, starred in Mikhail Porechenkov's film "Mikhail Porechenkov's Day" "Day D" this year, directed by Mikhail Porechenkov and produced by Mikhail Porechenkov's company.
2. Mikhail Porechenkov's company is called "VVP Alliance" not for the reason you might think, whatever you might be thinking.
3. Mikhail Porechenkov's film is not a remake of "Commando". It is "Commando" that is a remake of "Day D". The script was mysteriously stolen through time and space by Hollywood moguls with the help of Uri Geller and ancient Aztec magic. Nothing could stop the unscrupulous dealers.
4. Then, individual parts of the script were sold to S. Spielberg, who had the audacity to insert a couple of jokes from "Day D" into "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade".
5. Unlike the character in the film, Major Ivan of the Airborne Forces, Mikhail Porechenkov can fly and walk through walls. This created additional inconveniences during filming.
6. Contrary to popular belief, bullets and shrapnel from explosive shells do not bounce off Mikhail Porechenkov's powerful body. Mikhail's superhuman aura turns them into steam even half a meter from his body.
7. The music for Mikhail Porechenkov's film was supposed to be written by D.D. Shostakovich, but he unexpectedly died 33 years before filming began. The creators had to enlist the help of Sergei Shnurov, which only made the film better.
8. To mitigate the possible negative effect of the scene in which Mikhail Porechenkov kills an Estonian politician, scenes were added to the film in which Mikhail kills an evil NATO soldier, a Japanese warlord with a katana threatening the Kuril Islands, an epileptic renegade with a knife, a corrupt journalist (somehow affecting the subtle fabric of this world), and a red-haired, fetishistic cretin in sunglasses, representing the aggressive, imperialistic foreign policy of the United States.
9. Mikhail Porechenkov is an excellent actor. To achieve the same, stony expression on his face throughout the film, he had to meditate for 5 hours every day. During the filming of particularly important episodes, he breathed from a bag of Bruce Lee's ashes to enhance the effect.
10. Episodes of Mikhail Porechenkov's battle with Godzilla, hired by Japanese pirates, were cut from the final version of the film. According to the creators, they looked weak and uninteresting due to Mikhail's obvious superiority.
11. Also, in order to maintain a low age rating, scenes in which Mikhail smokes cigars and curses were cut from the film.
12. However, all these scenes will be included in the upcoming six-hour director's cut of the film.
13. Only a narrow-minded and limited person could think that phrases like "Bondarchuk is arthouse," "Listen to your father!", "You'll die beautifully," "This is Tarkovsky's Solaris," and others are just jokes. When humanity reaches the same level of development as the creators of the film, we will be able to understand what is encoded in them.
14. "The island near Vladivostok" was planned to be filmed in the Himalayas, but north of Lhasa, no settlement could be found where people would not come out into the streets to greet Mikhail.
15. The remaining 385 facts are classified. Access to them can be obtained by sending a request to the Third Underground Department of the FSB. The request must be accompanied by a photocopy of your passport, an encephalogram, a standard set of tests, a clearance form of at least level 2, and a written permission from competent authorities to review the materials.

"Day D" is a trash film of monstrous power. If there existed in nature an Indian remake of "The Terminator" with songs, dances, eternal love, and a cyber-Raj, it would still be inferior to "Day D" in all respects. Unlike the pathetic creations of Messrs. Stepchenko and Chiginsky, Mikhail Porechenkov's film brings exclusively positive emotions to the viewer; you just need to know where to laugh. Coincidences, inconsistencies, similarities and differences of the actors, and the creators' jokes can be caught for a long time and persistently. What difference does it make whether it was planned or "just happened" (IMHO - such a thing cannot "just happen" even with our filmmakers). Those who have never seen the original in their lives may not want to watch "Day D". However, those who understand where it comes from can certainly watch it.

In any case, the main thing is an open mind. "Day D" is a masterpiece. Porechenkov is great. Bondarchuk is arthouse. Unfortunately, few will appreciate the film for what it is. But that is the fate of all masterpieces. (taken from an unknown blog*)

A friend sent me this photo the other day, check it out.

If you still doubt the connection between the launch of the Large Hadron Collider and the Half-Life game universe, then you should definitely take a look at this photo; it captures the real prototype of the most famous physicist from computer games – Gordon Freeman. Also, please pay attention to this humorous image:

Admin: What is the difference between a Celeron M 180Ghz and a Celeron M 1.8 MHz? K0Lb@zzeR: Well, if it's as you wrote... then 180Ghz = 180 * 1024 MHz = 184320 MHz, which is 102400 times more powerful :) i.e., a Celeron M 180Ghz is 102400 times more powerful than a Celeron M 1.8 MHz.

A letter from a blonde mother to her blonde daughter:
"Hello, my dear daughter! If you receive this letter, it means it reached you. If not, let me know, and I'll write to you again. I'm writing slowly because I know you don't read very fast. The weather here is good. Last week, it only rained twice: at the beginning of the week, for 3 days, and closer to the end, for 4 days. By the way, about the coat you wanted, Uncle Vasya said that if it's sent with those cast buttons, it will be too expensive due to the weight, so I cut them off. Sew them back on; I put them in the right pocket. Your father found a new job. He has 500 people working under him! He's mowing grass at the cemetery. Your sister, Nastya, recently got married and is expecting a baby. We don't know what gender it is, so I can't tell you yet if you'll be an uncle or an aunt. If it's a girl, she wants to name her after me. It's a bit of a strange decision to name your daughter Mom. Your brother, Tolya, recently had a funny incident: he locked his car, but left the keys inside. He had to walk home (10 kilometers!) to get the second set of keys and let us out of the car. If you happen to meet your cousin, Lilia, say hello to her from me. If you don't meet her, don't tell her anything. Your mother.
P.S.:
I wanted to send you some money, but I already sealed the envelope."

Added 2 minutes ago
More about heaven and hell:
A man died. He ascended to heaven, and an angel greets him and says, "So, where to? To hell or to heaven?" The man, of course, immediately wanted to go to heaven, but the angel said, "Wait, we have a practice here: one day in heaven, one day in hell, and then you choose." Well, he agreed. He arrives in heaven; everything is clean, beautiful, paradise gardens, people walking in the gardens, but the only bad thing is that there are no familiar faces. The next day, he ends up in hell. There's a party, drinking, all his acquaintances are there. He goes to the angel and says, "I'm going to hell." He arrives in hell the next day, looks around, people are running around with cars, mining ore, devils with whips, everyone is downtrodden, dirty, and he's confused: "What's going on? It was so fun here yesterday?" They answer him: "THAT WAS THE RECRUITMENT, AND NOW YOU'RE ON THE STAFF!"

Found a cool picture.

No comments. *climbing out from under the table*

If you can start your day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful and not pay attention to
pains and ailments,

If you can refrain from complaining and not bore people with your
problems,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand your loved one when they don't have time for you,

If you can ignore accusations from your loved one when things don't go as planned, and it's not your fault,

If you can calmly accept criticism,

If you can treat your poor friend the same as your rich friend,

If you can do without lies and deceit,

If you can cope with stress without medication,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can fall asleep without pills,

If you can sincerely say that you have no prejudices against
skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or politics,

Then you have reached the level of development of your dog.

Forgive me, ladies. I just couldn't resist. I'm relaying this without any changes to the text:D

My wife's friend, Lyubashka, after working hard to earn some money and diligently "studying" in driving courses (if you can even call them that), bought herself a brand new Fiat Punto. They celebrated the purchase, wiped the headlights and windows, kicked the tires, and honked the horn.
The trouble came a week later when, on my way home from work, my cell phone rang, and Lyubashka's tearful voice told me that she had crashed the car. And, as she put it, completely wrecked it. When I asked what exactly happened, Lyubashka "killed" me with the argument: "Even the underbody protection came off."
I've been nervously smoking for years when "master mechanics" "fix" my "darling" at the car service. But, to be honest, I've never heard of such an unknown part as "underbody protection." It was simply unacceptable to make a fool of myself and admit my own automotive illiteracy!
Curiosity overcame my fatigue, and I "without hesitation" announced that I would come over to "assess the damage."
As I drove past Lyubashka's apartment building, I noticed that, externally, the "Button," as my wife's friend affectionately called her new "car," looked even newer than it had a week ago. This was not the last surprise that evening.
After repeating that the part she lost was called "underbody protection," the tearful blonde opened the trunk and gave me, the intrigued observer, the opportunity to admire the sight of a SEWER MANHOLE cover resting in Lyubashka's car.
To my timid question about how this happened, I was told literally the following:
"I was driving, and suddenly, 'Bang!' I must have hit a bump. I slammed on the brakes.
I got out, and it, the protection, was lying next to the car. Some guys stopped.
I complained to them, and they said that this part is the most important in the car and that it is extremely dangerous to drive without it. They helped me load it into the trunk and advised me to go to the service station (40 km/h, right lane, with hazard lights on)." All of her tirade was occasionally interrupted by sobs and my attempts to suppress laughter. But that's not all. A greasy mechanic from the car service, after listening to Lyubashka's tearful story and wiping his hands with an equally greasy rag, told the friend that the guys on the road were absolutely right, because there is no part in the car more important than "underbody protection." But he couldn't repair the car because he didn't have... Listen carefully:
"Left-handed self-tapping screws СС416/53"455674/546388/Bis" (the kind mechanic presented Lyubashka with a piece of paper with the screw number so that she wouldn't forget what kind he needed). The seller in the store, where Lyubka immediately went, initially looked slightly puzzled, then importantly announced that THESE screws are only available on special order in three months, and even then, there is no guarantee that they will be delivered, and therefore, it is impossible to drive the car!
That's it! I don't remember anything after that because at that moment, I "lost it."
I laughed so hard that I almost got a stomach cramp. For such irresponsible behavior, I was later called an "idiot" by my wife. Apparently, it was purely out of female solidarity

Click here
:smile51:I'll probably end up in hell)):smile42:

Knight Technical Support
In those distant (and most likely fictional) times, when knights fought dragons to save beautiful princesses, there was no technical support for users. Swords were forged by blacksmiths, and if a knight survived after a poor-quality sword broke and failed to sever a dragon's head, he would come and hit the blacksmith on the head, telling him to leave his forge and go to a monastery. However, what if every blacksmith had an entire staff of support personnel? Let's imagine...

- Merlin, Inc. Technical Support. How can I help you?
- Yesterday, I purchased a sword from you...
- Congratulations, sir, you made the right choice.
- It doesn't work.
- What do you mean, it doesn't work?
- It doesn't cut off the dragon's head.
- Did you read the instructions, sir?
- A noble knight is not obliged to know how to read! But my squire read them aloud to me twice.
- Okay, sir. Did you take the sword out of its scabbard?
- Yes.
- Are you sure? Please check.
- I took it out, I'm telling you!
- Okay, sir. Now check the sharpness of the blade.
- Ouch!
- You shouldn't have done that with your finger, sir.
- What does my finger have to do with it? I did it with my tongue. I always check the sharpness of dishes that way.
- You see, sir, a sword is arranged somewhat differently than the dishes you taste at dinner. The term "sharpness" has a different meaning here...
- Don't confuse me! I'm not obliged to understand your technical terms. I'm a user, not a hardware specialist. Just tell me why it doesn't work!
- Did it work before?
- I don't know, I only bought it yesterday!
- Okay, sir. Did you do anything to it?
- No!
- Are you sure about that?
- Well, I only took it out of its scabbard.
- Did you try to sharpen it yourself?
- Why would I?
- You should know, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?
- No, I use the standard ones that come with the sword!
- Maybe it's a curse, sir? When did you last update your holy water?
- I just poured in a fresh version the day before yesterday!
- I see, sir. Then look around for any unshielded sources of black magic. They can interfere with the sword's operation.
- What other sources, I'm in the desert!
- Don't get nervous, sir.
- I'm not nervous, damn it!
- Then why are you breathing so heavily?
- Because a dragon is chasing me.
- Ah, so there's a dragon nearby?
- Yes, it's right behind me!
- Excellent, sir. Put him on the phone.
- What if he bites off my hand?
- Sorry, sir, but medical problems are outside our area of expertise.
- Next time, I'll buy a sword from "Morgana, Ltd"!
- Okay, sir. At least describe what the dragon looks like.
- Well, it's yellow... with whiskers...
- I see. We should have started with that, sir. It's a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.
- And?
- Read the license agreement, sir. "Merlin, Inc." does not guarantee compatibility with uncertified devices.
- And what should I do now?
- Don't use cheap, no-name dragons anymore, sir.
- It looks like it's going to use me now! Aaa! No! Aaaaa!...
- Sir? Sir, are you okay?... In any case, "Merlin, Inc." thanks you for your cooperation!

America declared war on Russia…
First, they sent Duncan MacLeod against us, so that he would cut everyone down, because he is immortal. But Koschei met him with a chain-linked Kolobok, and MacLeod was no more.
They tried to unleash Madeleine Albright on us, so that we would be frightened by her obesity and the nonsense she spouts. But Valeria Novodvorskaya came out to meet her, and the Americans learned what true obesity and nonsense look like.
Then they decided to send the Harlem Negroes into battle. But the Voronezh Skinheads met the Negroes, and the Americans were left without Negroes.
They sent hordes of Vampires led by Dracula and Frankenstein to fight us. But Geser said, "Night Watch! Everyone out of the darkness!" and the vampires vanished.
A terrible Terminator came onto the battlefield, brandishing a pump-action shotgun. But Russian hackers re-flashed the BIOS of the iron-clad machine and gave it the appearance of Elektronik.
Younger Bush tried to befuddle us with mindless speeches, to deprive us of our minds with the most stupid arguments. But Chernomyrdin spoke, and Bush realized that he was just a son.
A blue horde rushed into the attack, wailing about human rights and the protection of sexual minorities. They were met by prison inmates who told them about their rights and obligations.
America had no more loyal troops left, and then they used their super-weapon: the almighty Dollar, scattered across banks and vaults. But we took all their capital investments and let the dog have them: some was drunk away, some was squandered, and some was simply… lost. And America had no more money for military operations and had to conclude a separate peace

I'll say it right away: this is plagiarism, I didn't come up with it...

Faction "Farm", town - collective farm "Bright Path", hero - farmer.

1. CHICK - a small, cute-looking creature capable of charming short-sighted opponents — for few know that the chick and its form served as the prototype for the "Armageddon" spell — which is also yellow and fluffy in appearance.
-small creature - this creature occupies only half a tile and there is always a chance to miss it, even with magic, and to miss big time
-whiteness and fluffiness - there is a 30% probability that an enemy who is a living being, located in an adjacent tile, will shout: "Ah, what a lovely creature!" — and start stupidly admiring the chick, losing all accumulated initiative or forgetting to strike/counterstrike. For female creatures, the probability is 60%
-pack attack

UPGRADE: HEN - chicks grow up, losing their charm but acquiring the properties of cold-blooded killers.
-cleaver
-summon chicks (1 time per battle, number = number of hens x 3, activated ability)
-egg attack - a hen can throw eggs at enemies, hitting a 3x3 area of the field, dealing 50% damage to all and casting "slow" on enemies (with a 25% probability) (stuck in the fluff)

ALT UPGRADE: TWO-HEADED HEN - the result of cruel animal experiments conducted by some farmers; these creatures unleash all their monstrous rage upon enemies
-cleaver
-rage
-attack with two heads and six wings
-exploding egg - the creature can shoot a self-guided rotten egg at an enemy, which upon explosion makes the enemy reflect on how cruel life and its stench can sometimes be; falling into thoughtful sadness, the enemy does not respond to attacks for one turn.

2. DOG - the farmer's loyal friend, capable of beating any enemy into a patty with a chain hanging from its neck
-rage
-bone-eating - this creature deals double damage to skeletons
-lousiness - there is a chance that the attacked enemy will start scratching frantically, shedding all their equipment — defense drops to 0 (works only on living beings)
-
UPGRADE: BITCH - the meanest and bittiest dog, who also reacts painfully to what she is.
-rabid rage - after entering a rage, this creature can bite all creatures in adjacent tiles, including friendly ones
-"who pissed" - the creature can piss on any enemy (after which they will receive acid damage equal to number of dogs x 3 for a number of turns equal to the number of dogs) just so the master forgets about the incident with the slippers (activated ability)
-heat - the creature can once per battle seduce any living enemy (who will obey the farmer for a number of turns equal to the number of dogs)

ALT UPGRADE: PUG - a creature that the farmer's wife insisted on keeping, citing a weighty argument in the form of a frying pan; often used in the armies of the most unscrupulous farmers.
-small creature
-rage
-whiteness and fluffiness
-summon mistress - once per battle, the creature can whine pitifully, summoning an enraged mistress with a frying pan, who inflicts cruel injuries on the enemy with her terrifying pan.

3. HORSE – this creature is actively used in many farmer army holdings; in skilled hands, they can be transformed into sausages, shawarma, etc.
-large creature
-carrier
-knockback strike
-sausageness – the unit can sacrifice one (if available — healthy) creature, fully restoring the health of friendly creatures.

UPGRADE: CAMEL – a non-standard animal of an unusual farmer.
-large creature
-carrier
-deadly spit – this creature can spit on an enemy, dealing standard damage and causing blindness (activated ability)
-camel indifference - absolute immunity to mind-affecting effects
-knockback strike

ALT UPGRADE: ZIL - an alternative to the horse; soulless, and you can't make sausages out of it, but damn it's convenient!
-large creature
-advanced carrier (the creature spends 50% less initiative on carrying)
-mechanism
-roar - the engine roars so mercilessly that all enemies weep and chip in for repairs.
-run over - there is a probability of crushing an attacked enemy (if they are not a large creature), knocking them to the start of the ATB scale and reducing speed by 1 and initiative by 30% for 2 turns. However, if a large creature is nearby, it may issue a fine.

4. HIRED PEASANT – they work in the army holdings of farmers, hoping for pay and grub, but the greed of farmers often turns the "M" in "mercenary" into a "B" (slave).
-caster – this creature constantly casts spells to fish some money out of someone
-immunity to mind-affecting effects – the creature has consumed so much moonshine in its life that nothing can affect its mind anymore
-shooting – the creature shoots everything it can (cigarettes, moonshine, etc.)

UPGRADE: BABA - a creature of unclear appearance, age, and even gender, fulfilling all requests of both the farmer and other farm inhabitants.
-caster
-aura of aura – all adjacent creatures receive some effects, but what they are will only become clear when nothing can be changed or redone.
-shooter
-immunity to immunity – the creature has immunities to god knows what (often manifesting very inappropriately) and one sworn enemy for variety.

ALT UPGRADE: ACTIVIST – this variety of peasants manages to be everywhere and always, knows everything, all the weaknesses of the enemy, and is eternally demanding something
-caster
-shooter
-slogan – after every hit from an enemy, the activist puts up a slogan as a sign of protest, which can plunge the enemy into sadness, horror, or Homeric laughter
-absolute knowledge – the creature knows the entire biography of all creatures on the battlefield, all their ancestors to the eighth generation, knows what you did last summer and next winter, and therefore has a chance to ignore enemy armor or dodge a strike/counterstrike

5. COW – these creatures are the heavy artillery of any self-respecting farmer's army — as well as a sacred animal that behaves in an un-sacred manner.
-large creature
-sacred animal – there is a chance that the enemy will not strike the cow, but fall prostrate, losing a turn
-chewing gum – the creature can use one friendly creature as "chewing gum," fully restoring its own health (activated ability)

UPGRADE: DIRTY COW – the thoughts and actions of dirty cows are as filthy as their foul carcasses, which the farmer uses in the most difficult and responsible battles.
-large creature
-chewing gum
-manure aura – an adjacent enemy may vomit, losing accumulated initiative and 10% health (works only on living beings)
-dirty dancing – the creature may suddenly start dancing, causing the most sensitive enemies to fall into a coma

ALT UPGRADE: BRONTOSAURUS – by the farmer's sworn assurance, this is the same cow, just a new subspecies — for meat.
-large creature
-sacred animal
-magic corruption – unobtrusively towering several meters above the battlefield, this creature can disrupt any spell of an enemy mage, especially if it is close to them
-herbivory – the creature always kills one more Ent and, just for variety, one more Dryad — so as to gorge itself like livestock; then again, a brontosaurus is livestock.

6. PIG – a large, lazy animal whose thick hide protects against wounds and magic; a cold-blooded killer who can be thrown off balance by only one thing — the sight of an electrical outlet on the wall.
-large creature
-30% magic resistance
-sausageness

UPGRADE: SOW – a pig that has just given birth, a cruel mother who often throws her offspring at the enemy or eats her own children and thus becomes even fatter
-large creature
-50% magic resistance
-hellish oink – with its furious oinking, this creature can summon hellfire or a bucket of slop onto an enemy's head (or other body parts) (activated ability)
-piglet tossing – the creature can give birth to a piglet and immediately throw it at the enemy, dealing 25-150% damage; the amount of damage depends on the size of the born piglet, which in turn depends on the art and skill of the farmer and how long he has been sleeping with his wife on opposite sides of the mother-in-law.

ALT UPGRADE: SUPERPIG – this pig, dressed in an elegant suit and illuminating the battlefield with its dazzling smile, is a movie hero, but only sausages are reflected in the dark lenses of its fashionable glasses
-large creature
-30% magic resistance
-sausageness
-superhero – the creature can take some of the damage dealt to adjacent friendly creatures, film it, and sell it at a speculative price to lovers of bloody action movies
-speech – as a superhero, this creature can deliver a speech about saving the world, etc. — so long that the enemy risks dying of old age or hanging themselves.

7. FARMER'S WIFE – only the naive believe that the farmer rules the farm. In reality, all power and might are concentrated in the strong hands of his plump spouse, who sometimes condescends to appear on the battlefield, and by this alone strikes animal terror even into mechanical and long-dead creatures.
-large creature.
-wife's rage – if the farmer casts a Light school spell not on the wife but on any other friendly creature, the wife gets +3 attack, +2 initiative and delivers a preemptive strike with a frying pan to the head that the farmer has on his shoulders.
-aura of absolute horror – all enemy creatures in adjacent tiles receive -3 luck and -3 morale (affects ALL).
-frying pan strike – this creature has a chance, in addition to a normal attack, to hit the enemy with one to forty-five frying pan strikes. Each subsequent strike deals 25% less damage.

UPGRADE: MOTHER-IN-LAW – the very word evokes a desire to hide anywhere, even under the wife's skirt, for this seemingly old and helpless creature is so skilled in its ability to handle a frying pan that it even has a black belt tied around its pan.
-large creature
-aura of absolute horror
-frying pan strike
-chain frying pan strike – if the creature delivers frying pan strikes, it hits all nearby opponents in a chain, dealing them 50% of the damage received by the main creature.
-city wall attack during siege
-drainage – this creature can suck the life even out of a city wall

ALT UPGRADE: MOTHER OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW: they say the Devil himself wept bloody tears when this creature appeared in Hell and began to establish its own order. He even paid the farmer huge sums of money just so he would take this woman back. Now she is forced to walk the earth, and the earth groans under her frying pan.
-large creature
-aura of absolute horror
-frying pan strike
-frying pan magic reflection – with its huge frying pan, this creature can reflect any Chaos or Darkness school spell back at the enemy with a 99% probability
-weakening strike – every successful strike by this creature instills in the enemy a thought about their own insignificance, reducing attack and defense by 5 (can drop below zero and continues to fall)
-immunity to Armageddon – this creature is Armageddon incarnate, and therefore it is immune to this spell.
-aging strike – every successfully delivered strike takes part of the age of this ancient creature and transfers it to the enemy; the aged enemy loses 10% maximum health (cannot decrease more than 50% from original maximum), and 1% is added to the maximum health of the demonic mother-of-the-mother-in-law.

Added after 57 seconds
Faction – class. Hero - teacher. Town - school

1) Truants - lovers of wandering all over the field (speed = 9), but truly, if they do attack someone, they do so somewhat reluctantly (attack is reduced by rand(10%-20%)). Despite this, they are damn stubborn ("Not a step back") and love to wave their fists ("Endless retaliation").

Upgrade: Chronic Truants – lovers of wandering all over the field (speed = 10). Reluctantly attack the opponent (attack is reduced by rand(5%-15%)). Despite this, they are damn stubborn ("Not a step back") and love to wave their fists ("Endless retaliation"). Immune to "Slow".

Alt. Upgrade: Lazy Truants – categorically want to do nothing (-1 morale at the start of battle). Archers (2 shots, no shooting penalty; "Endless non-retaliation"). Constantly evade responsibility ("Evasion" is applied at basic level from the start of the battle). Immune to light magic.

2) D-Students – during an enemy's magical attack, they fall into a "coma" ("Stun" is applied). They constantly forget something ("Absent-mindedness" is constantly active on the unit at basic level). Cast "Magic Fist" on a selected enemy unit.

Upgrade: Vovochkas – built-in ability to reflect magical attacks, which with a 75% probability end up hitting a friendly target with double strength. Casts "Stupid Answer," as a result of which the attack of a selected enemy creature of levels 1-3 increases by 20%, but defense disappears completely. Immune to light magic.

Alt. Upgrade: Slackers - during an enemy's magical attack, they fall into a "coma" ("Stun" is applied). Constantly "head in the clouds" (Immunity to magical attacks of spell levels 1-2). Cast "Sudden Surprise," as a result of which a selected enemy creature loses (N*0.5)% initiative (but no more than 90%) for N*0.2 turns (applied only once), where N is the number of Slackers in the stack.

3) C-Students – constantly satisfied with their condition (morale not lower than 1). Cast "Magic Kick," as a result of which the opponent flies back 1-3 tiles, if possible, and is stunned, resetting the victim to position 0.9 - 0.K on the ATB scale (K is the number of tiles flown).

Upgrade: Pseudo C-Students - constantly satisfied with their condition (morale not lower than 1). Cast "Enhanced Magic Kick," as a result of which the opponent flies back 1-6 tiles, if possible, and is stunned, resetting the victim to position 0.6 - 0.K on the ATB scale (K is the number of tiles flown) and additionally dealing damage in the amount of 10 units per tile. Constantly "hanging by a thread" (possibility of turning into a D-student or any of its upgrades), if luck and morale of C-students are lower than, or = -2, or if morale is lower than, or = -4)

Alt. Upgrade: Dirty C-Students - constantly satisfied with their condition (morale not lower than 1). Cast "Magic Kick," as a result of which the opponent flies back 1-3 tiles, if possible, and is stunned, resetting the victim to position 0.9 - 0.K on the ATB scale (K is the number of tiles flown). Possess the ability to give a "bribe" to an enemy unit (= amount: 1 gold for the first level per 1 creature, 2 gold for the second, etc. - /2^n, where n is the creature's level), but only once per battle.

4) Junior Athletes – large creatures capable of defending the honor of their army. During a successful attack, athletes get +1 to attack; during an unsuccessful one, -1 to defense. If at least 1 creature in the enemy unit was eliminated during an athlete's attack, "Divine Strength" is cast on the athletes at basic level.

Upgrade: Lucky Junior Athletes - large creatures capable of defending the honor of their army. During a successful attack, lucky athletes get +1 to attack and +1 to luck. If at least 1 creature in the enemy unit was eliminated during a lucky athlete's attack, athletes also receive +1 to luck. The luck of lucky athletes cannot be less than 0.

Alt. Upgrade: Titled Junior Athletes - large creatures capable of defending the honor of their army. During a successful attack, titled athletes get +1 to attack; during an unsuccessful one, -1 to defense. Possess the "Star Sickness" ability, where any hostile stack may not attack titled athletes with a 15% probability; instead, it completely loses its initiative for 1 turn.

5) B-Students – diligent units in battle ("Good Strike" ability - 10%-15% more damage). Constantly envy nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications), so if any of them are in the battle, B-students lose initiative each turn by 0.1% * M, where M is the number of nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications).

Upgrade: Nervous B-Students - diligent units in battle ("Enhanced Good Strike" ability - 25%-45% more damage). Constantly envy nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications), so if any of them are in the battle, B-students lose initiative each turn by 0.1% * M, where M is the number of nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications). "Nervous Breakdown" ability - a stack of nervous B-students suddenly splits in two, if possible. The split stack occupies the nearest free tile.

Alt. Upgrade: Avid B-Students - diligent units in battle ("Good Strike" ability - 10%-15% more damage). Constantly envy nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications), so if any of them are in the battle, B-students lose initiative each turn by 0.1% * M, where M is the number of nerds and A-students (+ all their modifications). Have "Revenge on Nerds" ability (they lure an enemy unit attacking nerds and A-students toward themselves (the unit, without striking the intended target, runs up to the avid B-students, as a result simply receiving retaliation from them, provided that necessary friendly stacks are standing nearby)).

6) A-Students - casters. Cast absent-mindedness and blindness on the opponent (total 20 mana). Archers (penalty 1/2). Upon "contact" with an opponent, they move 2-3 tiles to the side. "Eternal Divine Strength" skill.

Upgrade: Cunning A-Students - casters. Cast absent-mindedness and blindness on the opponent (total 20 mana). Archers (penalty 1/2). Upon "contact" with an opponent, they move 2-3 tiles to the side. "Eternal Divine Strength" skill, special ability "play dead" (for 2 turns the stack turns into a corpse on the battlefield if at least someone died) as a result of an attack, but if someone steps on the corpse, the A-students perish completely. Raising Dead and Resurrection cast on those playing dead simply make them stand up.

Alt. Upgrade: Psychopath A-Students - casters. Cast absent-mindedness and blindness on the opponent (total 25 mana). Archers (penalty 1/2). Upon "contact" with an opponent, they move 2-3 tiles to the side. "Eternal Divine Strength" skill. During a melee attack by hostile units, psychopath A-students deal a "death blow" (double) with a 25% probability.

7) Nerds - large creatures. They do not retaliate, but they hit the brain hard, adding "Slow," "Absent-mindedness," and "Weakening" at the highest level to normal damage.

Upgrade: Arch-Nerds – a hellish thing. They do not retaliate, but they hit the brain hard, adding "Slow," "Absent-mindedness," and "Weakening" at the highest level to normal up to normal damage. Plus, the "hypnotic gaze" of nerd glasses makes the opponent a berserker, with all its properties.

Alt. Upgrade: Super-Nerds - large creatures. This one decides to retaliate. "Opens" their "probability theory" on the battlefield, as a result of which all enemy creatures start to "glitch" (hit their own, or cast something incomprehensible). The chaos lasts once and for only 2 turns.

A day in the life of a rapper XD
5. 00 Woken up by my drunk younger brother. He should be hanging out at concerts and drinking vodka. But I'm the one who has to open the door for him. At his age, I was collecting stamps... damn, I'm not getting back to sleep now...
7. 00 Mom told me to get my ass up and go to school.
7. 05 Started getting ready, put on some pants, rapper style; Mom washed my hockey jersey, so I had to wear Dad's sweater—old-fashioned, but the main thing is that it's impossibly huge.
7. 20 - Brother saw me and started laughing. Fucking metalhead.
7. 21 - Tripped over my pants.
7. 28 - Tripped over my pants.
7. 35 - Put on a hat, headed to school. Leaving the house, tripped over my pants, fell face-first in the mud.
7. 50 - Turns out I put on a sock instead of a hat (no wonder it felt tight on my head). Went back home, put on the hat, headed to school.
8. 20 - Late for class, wasn't let in, standing in the hallway. Rapping.
8. 41 - Class ended, went inside, threw my bag down and went to hang out.
8. 43 - Yo! Whats up niger? Boys! Five of us standing there rapping.
9. 00 - Sitting in class, rapping.
9. 10 - Kicked out of class, standing in the hallway, rapping.
9. 15 - Went to the toilet.
9. 16 - Standing in the toilet, pissing. Started rapping and pissed my pants.
9. 17 - Leaving the toilet, tripped over my pants, fell face-first in the cesspool.
9. 18 - Looking in the mirror, I look cuter in shit.
9. 31 - (recess) Yo! The boys came and said I'm cool. Younger brother walked by and started laughing. I told him his rap is shitty. He gave me an anti-gopnik slap to the face.
9. 35 - The boys said he was wrong. He started giving everyone beatings with his combat boots.
9. 37 - Tried to run away, got a kick in the ass.
9. 44 - Sitting in class, my ass hurts.
10. 10 - Started drawing graffiti on the desk.
10. 12 - Teacher saw, kicked me into the hallway. Bitch! Standing there rapping.
10. 21 - Sitting in the cafeteria. Started rapping and spilled milk on my pants. Younger brother walked by and smacked me on the back of the head. Leaving the cafeteria, tripped over my pants, fell ass-first into the beet puree.
10. 29 - Boys saw and said I'm cool.
10. 40 - Sitting in class, writing poems. No rhymes yet. Fuck it, the main thing is to rap as fast as possible.
10. 50 - Finished, tried rapping, teacher kicked me out of class. Leaving, tripped over my pants, hit my ass against the radiator. Bruise all over my face.
11. 11 - (recess) Boys saw the bruise, said I'm cool. Let them read my poems. Yo! I'm even cooler now. Brother walked by, read the poems, said I'm an idiot and it's not cool. I asked what is cooler? He gave me his player to listen to during class. Cradle of Filth and Ancient.
12. 30 - Listened during class and got scared! Ran out of the room. (I knew my brother listened to crap, but for it to be this horrible). While running, tripped over my pants, fell. Teacher caught up, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, dragged me back into class, called me a freak. Kicked me into the hallway.
12. 45 - Standing there rapping.
12. 50 - (Recess) Let the boys listen to the player: Kostik fainted, Vasya shit himself, Vovka admitted that girls won't give it to him and fell into a depression.
13. 00 - Started hitting on Svetka, she said I'm a freak and a moron. Yo! This chick is into me.
Sitting and rapping from joy.
13. 20 - Teacher kicked me out of class.
13. 40 - Bell. Waited for the boys. One by one, tripping over our pants and falling, we headed home. Agreed to meet up at 4 o'clock.
14. 00 - Came home, nobody's there. Put on Eminem, sitting here, jerking off.
14. 20 - Younger brother came home, turned off the tape recorder, went to sleep.
14. 40 - Turned on the tape recorder, woke up my brother... Got punched in the face, tried to fight back...
14. 50 - AAA!
15. 00 - Sitting tied to the radiator, sock in my mouth, player in my ears. Something horrible is playing.
15. 10 - Brother's buddies arrived. Threw their jackets over me and started kicking me.
15. 20 - Mom came home, kicked a pile of things, realized by the moaning that someone was there.
15. 30 - Mom untied me and sent me to get bread.
16. 00 - Standing in the store.
16. 10 - Got beaten up, they took my money; tried to get up, got caught in my pants, fell.
16. 20 - Came home, mom slapped me in the face and went to get the bread herself.
16. 30 - Late for the meeting with the boys.
16. 35 - Boys said my rap is shitty.
16. 37 - Tripped over my pants.
16. 40 - Made up with the boys, standing there rapping.
16. 55 - A metalhead walked by. We told him he's a loser, he told us to fuck off. And we, the whole gang (25 people), beat the shit out of him. Damn, we're so cool!!!
17. 00 - Cartoons finished, sat down to play on the computer, NFS Underground.
17. 10 - 10 metalheads arrived, gave us a beating and left. Weaklings!
17. 20 - Listening to D12, fucking satanic group.
17. 30 - Scraped together some change for a liter of beer. (Yo! We're cool).
17. 32 - The saleswoman doesn't want to give us beer, bitch!
17. 35 - Persuaded her, bought 2 liters of beer. (Yo! Niger, we're the coolest).
17. 50 - Just as we were about to drink the beer, my younger brother and 4 other assholes arrived and took our beer...
18. 00 - Three chicks were walking by, I started making eyes at them, they came over and said I'm a weak virgin and a fag... damn, I'm so sexy, they want me!!!
18. 15 - Vovka said he's a virgin and fell into a depression.
18. 20 - Saw a wedding, Sanya said the bride is all in white because she's a virgin. (decided to wear all white starting tomorrow).
18. 30 - Came home, ate, sat down to watch cartoons.
19. 00 - Younger brother came home, punched me in the face and left...
21. 00 - Mom told me to go to bed. "Mom, I'm 17 already, can I have another half hour?"
21. 05 - Got spanked by mom. Lying here, trying to fall asleep.

I don't know if you'll find it as funny as I did, but I was laughing because it's actually true:)

Yesterday, during geography class, no one was in the mood to have fun, so I numbered all the pages in my notebook to at least make the time pass: 1, 2, 3, 4... 48. But the sneaky teacher gave us an assignment at the end of the lesson, and it just so happened that I wrote the assignment on page 3!

Today, the notebooks were returned, and this is what was written on mine:)
(you get the idea ;))