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18 years ago
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Cheburashka to Crocodile Gena: - Gena, Gena, look, what a long life line I have - from my paw to my tummy! - You fool, Cheburashka! It's just that moths have been nibbling at you. Crocodile Gena and Old Lady Shapoklyak were riding in a train car and were looking at each other challengingly. Finally, Shapoklyak demonstratively took out the book "Man is the King of the Beasts" and, whistling, began to flip through it. Gena grinned menacingly and took out the book "About Delicious and Healthy Food"... The N-th Factory of arcade machines has started producing a new product - ATMs. A distinctive feature of the new ATMs is that when a customer withdraws a particularly large sum of money, garlands light up and start flashing, sirens wail, and several buckets of brand new, shiny coins pour out from a special opening with a clatter. - I have a golden husband, golden children, and a golden "Maggi" bouillon cube. ...And we melted down my mother-in-law - and now I have golden bracelets, a ring, and a watch! A pigeon is flying and thinking: "Where are the people? There's no one to feed me, and no one to poop on..." - What a stupid assortment of goods in your store: pipes, drums, coffins, rifles, pistols... - Who knows! The day before yesterday, I sold a drum, yesterday - a rifle, today - a coffin. Ivan comes to the Tsar: - I have fulfilled my promise, here is the dragon's head. Will you fulfill yours? - Yes, here is the princess's hand... A son goes to 1st grade, and his first question to the teacher is: - What profession would you recommend I get so that I can become the President of the Russian Federation in the future? - Mom! I'm hungry! - Oh, my little helper! Don't worry, Mom has already eaten everything! Go to sleep!
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18 years ago
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I've collected quite a few computer-related jokes; I don't know if they're old news, but here they are: I really like the band Unknown Artist; you know them, they sing Track 1, Track 2. And I really love Track 9! From the security department's report: ...regarding the Chinese hacking of the Pentagon's server: 1) Each Chinese person tried one password. 2) Every other password was "maodzedun." 3) On the 657983241st attempt, the server agreed that its password was "maodzedun." A programmer meets girls: - Girls, would you like some tea? - No! - How about coffee? - No!! - Maybe some vodka? - No!!! - Strange... the standard drivers didn't work... At the World Championship of Female Logic, a random number generator won by a large margin. Two programmers are sitting in a cafe. A stunning woman walks by. - She has great properties, says one. - I checked yesterday... they're all read-only, the other replies sadly. Microsoft decided to recall 1,000,000,000 keyboards. The reason: wear and tear on the Ctr, Alt, and Del keys. At 3 a.m., she quietly sneaked into the next room. She smashed a 17-inch monitor, glued the floppy disks together, threw the system unit out the window of the 12th floor, and drowned the printer in the bathtub. Then she returned to her warm bed and snuggled up to her unsuspecting programmer husband. She has less than 3 hours to live. A nouveau riche visits another. He looks around and sees that the entire floor is covered with small, beautiful, shiny tiles. - What are those on your floor? - These are new floor tiles... They're expensive... - Why are they so small? - Because they're from a good company! - Which one? - Intel... A man comes home, sits down at the computer, and starts yelling at his wife: - Did you cheat on me? - No, how could I? - Did you cheat on me? - Yes, who could I have cheated with? - Admit it, did you cheat on me? - Well, I slept with the neighbor once... - I'm asking, did you change the password for logging into the network? A programmer's job and a shaman's job have a lot in common: both mumble incomprehensible words, perform incomprehensible actions, and cannot explain how it works. The best game server is Earth: there's only one map, but it has 6 billion players; there are no cheaters, the admin is patient, but if he bans you... - Attention, Earth! This is Flight 13! Our onboard computer has failed! What should we do? - Flight 13! Flight 13! This is dispatch! Do you hear me? Play on the backup for now! Play on the backup!
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18 years ago
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Brief summary of well-known plots


"The Wolf and the Seven Kids"
The Wolf and the Seven Kids.
The Wolf and the Six Kids.
The Wolf and the Five Kids...

"The Gingerbread Man"
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom?
-Nope!
-Nom-nom.

"The Turnip"
-Ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
-Thump!

Movie "Jaws"
-Nom-nom. Nom-nom. Nom-nom.

"The Little Bull" (Agniya Barto)
-Moo-oo-oo! Clop-clop-clop. Thump!

"Anna Karenina"
-Choo-choo! Thump!

"Mu-Mu"
-Woof-woof!
-Blub-blub.

"The Frog Princess"
-Croak-croak!
-Smooch-smooch.

Movie "Titanic"
-Smooch-smooch!
-Thump!
-Blub-blub.

"Crime and Punishment"
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Thump!

"Little Red Riding Hood"
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Nom-nom!

German porn
-Knock-knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Did you call for a plumber?
-Yes-yes! Smooch-smooch! Nom-nom! Thump! Smooch-smooch! Nom-nom! Thump!

Male detective
-Thump-thump-thump! Smooch. Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump!

Female detective
-Thump! Smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch...
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18 years ago
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R: Can you explain in a few words what the difference is between Goths and Satanists? Buck: Hmm... have you played Heroes III? R: Yeah. Buck: Well, the Necropolis castle represents the Goths. Buck: And Inferno represents the Satanists.
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18 years ago
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Response to the suggestion of modding The Legend into Heroes of Might and Magic:
well, well... turning a game based on an original into a parody (no offense to the Heroes of Might and Magic series) of that original.
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18 years ago




:D
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18 years ago
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1 - Are you watching the opening?))
2 - Yes
1 - That Chinese guy on the right sold me pants yesterday at the Ostuzhevsky market))
2 - :D
===============
I was killed by Guberniev's phrase: "Look what's happening, he's flying!!!" :)
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18 years ago
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Recently, a store opened where women can choose and buy a husband for themselves. A sign with the store's rules is posted at the entrance, which reads: 1. You can visit the store ONLY ONCE. 2. The store has 6 floors, and the quality of the men increases with each floor. 3. You can choose any man on any floor or go to the top floor. 4. It is not allowed to return to a lower floor. One woman decided to visit this "Husband Store" to find a partner. After reading the sign at the entrance to the first floor: "Men who have a job," she immediately goes to the second floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "Men who have a job and love children." The woman goes to the third floor. The sign on the third floor reads: "Men who have a job, love children, and are extraordinarily handsome." "Wow!" thought the woman, but she still went to the fourth floor. The sign on the fourth floor reads: "Men who have a job, love children, are stunningly beautiful, and help around the house." "Incredible!" exclaimed the woman. "It's very hard for me to resist!" But, saying this, she still went up to the fifth floor. The sign on the fifth floor reads: "Men who have a job, love children, are breathtakingly beautiful, help around the house, and are very romantic." The woman really wanted to stay on this floor and choose a partner, but she still, overcoming herself, went to the last floor. And on the sixth floor, she reads a sign that says: "You are visitor No. 31,456,012 on this floor, there are no men here, this floor exists only to prove once again that it is impossible to satisfy a woman. Thank you for visiting our store!" And right across from this store, a "Wife Store" was opened. On the first floor are women who love to have sex. On the second floor are rich women who love to have sex. And no one went any higher... "All the newspapers are full of occult advertisements like 'I will bring my husband back.' But there are no advertisements 'I will bring my wife back.' I wonder why?" "There is no demand. What fool would pay so much money for an old wife if for that amount you can buy a new one?" And now, our local police officer's favorite song will play, "Come together," which means "Let's go..." Brain: One-two! One-two! Legs - walk, Eyes - look, Ears - listen! Ears: What? Brain: Nothing. Just listen. Ears: We already are. Eyes: Look-look! What a girl is walking! Brain: Really? Well, well! Legs! Legs: What? Brain: Nothing!!! Now quickly - course to that chick! Legs: Yes, sir! Brain: That's better. Eyes: And what a butt... Penis: Really? Hmm... Hey, Brain, give me some juice. Brain: I need it myself. I'll think about how to approach her. Penis: Well, give it, huh? Brain: I haven't even met her yet, and you're already awake! Penis: Yes, I'm like that! Brain: Quiet. Okay, I'm thinking. I... th...ink... I... M...o...z...g... PENIS!!! SHUT UP!!! Penis: Sorry, boss... Brain: Eyes, where is she? Eyes: Already caught up. Brain: Legs, are you crazy?? I haven't even come up with a speech yet!! Legs: While you're thinking, you can die. We're going. Mouth: Brain, come up with something to say? Brain: Hmm... Well, (no, not that) maybe... hmm... Mouth: Hmm... Girl... Can... hmm... What? Ears: She's asking again. She doesn't seem to understand. Eyes: But she turned around! Wow, what boobs! Hands: Let me touch them! Penis: That's what I'm talking about. Come on, guys, be bolder. Brain: Everyone, calm down!!! Attention!!! Stand at ease!! Quiet!! Face, why are you so red?? Face: I'm not Face, I'm Face. Brain: Talk to me! I'm asking, why are you red? Face: Well, because... Penis said that blood is given for free. Eyes: She's waiting for us to say something. Brain! Work, don't sleep!! Brain: Hey, Mouth, ask how many degrees below zero it is now. Mouth: Are you crazy? Brain: Execute!!! Mouth: Hmm... Girl... hmm... how much... now... hmm... time?... Hmm. Brain: Idiot... God, what an idiot. Okay... Ears, what is she answering?... Ears: What? Brain: What? Mouth: What?... Ears: She says it's half-past five. Penis: WHAT? For such words... Brain: Calm down. Let me think... Eyes: She's leaving... Brain: Where? Stop! Oh my god.... Eyes: But still, what a butt! Penis: You're a loser, brother Brain. Mouth: Eh... Hands: As always, we didn't get there. Brain: Okay, we'll show them yet. Let's go have a beer. Penis: What a loser you are! With you, you'll become impotent. You missed such a chick... Brain: Shut up, hose. You'll find work today even without a chick. Penis: Well, yes, of course. When it comes to getting a chick, there's nothing, but when it comes to peeing, it's all on me. Hey, while you're sober, tell Hands to do a better job. Casanova, damn it....
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18 years ago
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— “Hello. My name is Kirill. I would like you to create a game, a 3D action game. The idea is as follows... The player can play as forest elves, palace guards, and a villain. And if the player plays as elves, then the elves are in the forest, wooden houses appear, palace soldiers and villains attack. You can rob caravans... And since the elves are forest dwellers, make it so that there is a dense forest... And the engine can be set up so that in the distance, trees are displayed as a picture, and when you approach them, they transform into 3D trees. You can buy things, and so on, just like in Daggerfall. And the enemies are also 3D, and the corpses are also 3D. You can jump, and so on. If you play as palace guards, you have to obey the commander and defend the palace from the evil (I haven't come up with a name yet) and spies, elf partisans, and go on raids against someone from these (elves, the evil one...). Well, if you play as the villain... then spies or elf partisans sometimes attack, the player is his own commander and can do whatever he wants, order his troops to attack the palace, and go on the offensive. There are a total of 4 zones in the game. That is, there is a map, and on it there are 4 zones: 1 - the zone of people (neutral), 2 - the emperor's zone (where the palace is), 3 - the zone of elves, 4 - the zone of the evil one... (in the mountains, there is an old fort...). Also, in the game, they can not only kill, but also cut off a hand, and if the player is not healed, he will die. Also, they can gouge out an eye, but the player may not die, but simply not see half the screen, or get or buy a prosthesis. If a leg is also lost, then either you die, or you crawl, or you ride in a wheelchair, or, the best option... put on a prosthesis. You can save... P.S. I've wanted such a game for two years.” (c) a letter from a user to the computer game development company "Mistland" Bojan, but still.... Flu-Dao, the commandments of a true flooder. 1. When registering, enter an interesting name for yourself, for example, something like: ##@22^^&^^!! or something like FrAggWvvEk-OppDm, so that everyone immediately understands that you are an original person. 2. Be sure to write like this: "I want to say that I am so cool," everyone will immediately respect you for your rejection of any conventions, even spelling. 3. On many forums, they give out various stars and statuses for messages, so that you feel like a full-fledged and cool regular, write messages in any topic according to this template: two emoticons (preferably different) + the word "Yes" (or even better "Aga" or "Heh"). 4. If there is already more than one page in the topic, never waste time reading them: can there really be anything smart there? Therefore, immediately write your answer, how to write it quickly, you already learned from paragraph 3. 5. Never get into an argument: what if you are refuted? Therefore, immediately call the opponent a fool and a clueless brat and boldly move on to another topic. 6. In order to be respected, be sure to find a topic where there are many answers, remember its name and immediately open a topic with approximately the same name. 7. Remember: NEVER, I repeat, NEVER use the SEARCH, because you came to the forum, and not to some kind of Yandex. 8. To finally amaze everyone with your intellect, you can copy answers from other forums: on forums, there are usually similar topics, and sometimes there are smart answers in some of them - so boldly use the right mouse button. 9. Do you want to show off your design skills? There is nothing easier! Feel free to use different colors and especially their SIZE! Such a message on the forum attracts attention and stands out against the general dullness. 10. If in the topic you opened, no one answers, then after some time it will disappear from view... Is that a pity? Therefore, write in it yourself. How to write - see paragraph 3, (only it is better to use the words "Au" and "Well?"). 11. If a moderator makes a remark to you, then do as written in paragraph 5. After that (if you are not an Admin) - look for a new forum and use all these 11 rules again. 12. Get yourself a "virtual family". Register under several nicknames and actively use them. Then in any of your branches there will be a joyful bustle. 13. Do you want to attract attention to your topic? There is nothing easier! The main thing is the title! "Here are my naked photos", "Take a look - you won't regret it" or "I have hair growing on my palms" - and success is guaranteed! 14. Find yourself a "whipping boy" on the forum. Follow all his posts and leave sarcastic comments. Laugh at his avatar. More often write nasty things to him in private and arrange votes "Is Vasya a fool?". When Vasya goes crazy and runs away from the forum, find a new punching bag. Let everyone be afraid of you and see how strong you are. 15. If you have a friend/relative with an unsettled personal life, urgently take care of arranging it. Post her photo along with her home address and phone number. It is also desirable to indicate her sexual preferences, salary size and hip volume.
In reply to Siverfale
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18 years ago
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Forced peace: "They didn't kill him in the bathroom, but they let him thoroughly embarrass himself." At a UN Security Council meeting: Ambassador of Georgia: - "Saakashvili stated that the President of Russia, D. Medvedev, is biased towards Georgia, and what's more, during our last phone call, he made personally offensive sexual remarks to me." Churkin: - "There were no such remarks. Here is a printout of the phone conversation." Saakashvili: "Hello, Mr. President." Medvedev: "Go f*** yourself." A young lion tamer came to apply for a job at the circus. - "Do you have experience working with lions?" asked the director. - "Yes, of course. My father was a tamer, and I learned from him since childhood." - "Really? Can you make a lion jump through a burning hoop?" - "I can." - "And can you arrange six lions in a pyramid?" - "I can do that too." - "Have you ever put your head in a lion's mouth?" - "Yes, once..." - "Why only once?" the director was surprised. - "Well... I was looking for my father there..." It's very easy to become an intellectual - you just need to take the baseball bat out of your car and put a beautiful metal golf club in its place. Every morning for George W. Bush started the same way: Condoleezza Rice would tell him who he was and where he was. - Dad, what do you prefer to drink - beer or vodka? - It depends on the purpose of drinking. The main thing in drinking beer is the process, and in drinking vodka - the result. - Doctor, we're losing the patient! What should we do? - Do nothing. Let him go peacefully. He'll get sick soon and come back.
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18 years ago
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The Great Secret of the *Chinese Armed Forces* = Revealed!!!

In reply to Lux in tenebris
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18 years ago
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My friend sent me this joke; I don't know where she found it, but it's very funny.))).
Univercity RPG
________________________________________
Genre: A semester-based mix of strategy and RPG.
Requirements: Secondary education or higher, at least 2 brain cells, preferably a sense of humor; if not, high-quality headphones are required.
Developer: Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation
Publisher: Whoever isn't lazy
Engine: Who knows, but it works.
- MONSTERS -
Level 1 Monsters:
'Freshman Students' - fairly harmless monsters, gathering in groups of 20-25. They often visit 'lectures,' 'seminars,' and 'labs' (see below) to upgrade themselves. If you have level 6 monsters, they scatter.
They have a weak spell called 'We didn't learn that in school,' which doesn't affect anyone.
Level 2 Monsters:
'Sophomore Students' - upgraded freshmen, still not good at anything, but already looking down on freshmen. They gather in groups of 5-6. They can find the 'Toilet' building (see below) on their own. The spell is upgraded to 'We didn't cover that in lectures,' which sometimes (though rarely) affects higher-level monsters.
'Soldiers' - students after encountering higher-level monsters (similar to skeletons in 'Heroes of Might and Magic').
Level 3 Monsters:
'Junior Students' - upgraded sophomores. They are no longer afraid of level 6 monsters but are very vulnerable to level 7 and higher. They look down on sophomores and completely ignore freshmen. When attacked by higher-level monsters, they can defend themselves by using 'Playing Dumb' (level 1).
Level 4 Monsters:
'Senior Students' - stunned juniors. They don't even look at lower-level monsters. They have a defensive spell called 'Almost Done' against the magic 'When will you submit your coursework?' and a spell called 'Thawing Out' when they see level 6 or higher monsters. The 'Arrogance' parameter appears, which increases every week on Saturday night. In the new version of the game, new monsters called 'Idiots' appear - they are the same as senior students, but when they level up, they receive the artifact 'Idiot's Diploma,' and the monster is released into the wild by default, making them one of the most evil and arrogant monsters.
Level 5 Monsters:
'Graduating Students' - very cruel monsters. They are immune to the magic 'Go to hell!'
In the new version, two new types of monsters have appeared:
'Specialists' - in previous versions, they were 'fifth-year students,' but they are now distinguished only by having the artifact 'Idiot's Diploma.'
Completely disillusioned. They only visit 'Cafeteria,' 'Toilet,' and 'Dorm' buildings. Although they are level 5 monsters, they are really only afraid of level 8 and 9 monsters. The 'Arrogance' parameter reaches its peak.
'Masters' - the least studied type of monster; many believe they don't exist at all, and the mention of them is just a joke by the developers.
Level 6 Monsters:
'Postgraduate Students' - an absolutely heterogeneous group of monsters. Morale (mood) and mana depend on the temperature fluctuations at the poles of Mars and the average monthly rainfall in Zimbabwe. Depending on this, they can join your group to attack higher-level monsters or even use the magic 'Go to hell.' It is impossible to find them on the map when you need them; no one knows where they spawn or where they disappear to.
'Lab Assistants' - scary monsters. Kind on the outside, terrible on the inside. They possess the magic 'Asscount disable,' which they constantly use on level 1-5 monsters, and they are also masters of the magic 'Thawing Out.' They are completely defenseless against level 7 and higher monsters and can only somehow resist them in the 'Laboratory' castle using the magic 'Brain Freeze.'
Level 7 Monsters:
'Ordinary Professor' - a rather rare type of monster. Almost always, after at least one encounter with him, the bonus 'Credit' and/or 'Certification' appears.
'Evil Professor' - the main monster. In combat against level 1-5 monsters, he is cunning, cruel, and resourceful. During encounters with them, he uses the spell 'Roll Call.' The less this spell has been used on a unit, the higher its chance of becoming a 'Soldier.'
'Kakoprepod' - perhaps this type of monster uses magic more than any other. Their magic is also special and different for everyone; it is called 'Kakomagic.' Lower-level monsters should only enter into battle with him if they are very well-leveled and fully equipped with the necessary artifacts. He has the ability to attack with spells until the opponent runs out of mana (money?). Some have the Marketing skill at the Expert level.
Level 8 Monsters:
'Department Council' - a gathering of monsters. They almost always attack a unit by luring it into their 'Department' castle, all at once, so the unit has almost no chance of defending itself. The spells 'Thawing Out' and 'Playing Dumb' help a little.
Level 9 Monsters:
'Head of Department' - a mythical creature of the highest level. He possesses the most powerful spell, 'Well, are we going to expel you?' Lower-level monsters, especially levels 1 and 2, run away and hide, using the terrain, at the mere sight of him.
- BUILDINGS -
'Lecture' - increases defense by +1.
'Seminar' - increases attack by +1.
'Lab' - increases all parameters by +1.
'Cafeteria' - increases morale.
'Toilet' - tells you about the flaws of your enemies but lowers morale.
'Dorm' - doesn't add anything, and even reduces it, but monsters from level 1 to 5 really like it.
'Library' - increases knowledge by +5. It is mainly used by monsters up to level 5 in speech in phrases like: 'The semester is coming up; I should go to the library.'
- SKILLS -
'Cheating' (beginner) - gives you a 10% chance of cheating on an exam.
'Cheating' (advanced) - gives you a 50% chance of cheating on an exam.
'Cheating' (expert) - gives you a 99% chance of cheating on an exam.
'Diplomacy' (beginner) - you can bribe a professor, but not yours.
'Diplomacy' (advanced) - you can negotiate with your professor.
'Diplomacy' (expert) - 'What exam? Chinese? I'll finish my cigarette and go take it.'
'Marketing' (beginner) - gives you a chance to write a coursework.
'Marketing' (advanced) - gives you a chance to understand the coursework.
'Marketing' (expert) - gives you a chance to make lower-level monsters understand that they don't know anything about marketing.
- ARTIFACTS -
'Doctor's note' - increases defense by +2.
'Beer 0.5' - increases morale by +5.
'Beer 2 liters' - increases vulnerability to demons of level 6 and higher, but morale +100.
'Notes' - increases knowledge by +5.
'Photocopy of notes' - increases knowledge +1, reduces money -3.
'Calculator' - knowledge +1.
'Coursework' - a very good artifact, assembled from other artifacts, capable of neutralizing level 6-7 monsters.
'Cheat sheet' - knowledge +10.
'Cheat sheet for this subject' - knowledge +20.
'Cheat sheet for this question' - knowledge +40.
'Dad, Professor at the Department' - Ultimate artifact, increases all parameters by +50.
- TIME -
'Semester' - during this time, level 1-5 monsters actively reproduce in the 'Dorm' buildings.
'Exam Session' - during this time, level 1-5 monsters actively reproduce level 6-9 monsters.
Basically, a patch to Chronicles 3 is needed, which will introduce:
Level 10 monsters - department heads-vice-rectors
Level 11 monsters - raid bosses - deans of faculties
Level 12 monster - Rector, also known as Antharas
A large gathering of high-level monsters - Academic Council
Rarely (once every 5 years), quest monsters appear - the Commission for State Accreditation of Higher Education Institutions (they say, however, that these are beta testers). Even ordinary monsters don't like these monsters, so they temporarily stop attacking players and even help them a little.
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18 years ago
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If you don't want to hear "Fell down, do a push-up!" – quickly do "Fell down, got married!". - Is it true that you advertised having the lowest prices in town? - Yes, we did. - But how low are they? You can't even fit all the zeros in a single row on your price tags! - What do zeros have to do with it? You should look at how low our price tags are hanging! The lowest in town! What should you do if you're peacefully walking home, and a vicious asphalt attacks you? Don't put off a woman until tomorrow if she's lying down today. A question from a diet forum: "I've gone completely crazy with diets. I'm at work, eating a peach, looking at the time: 5:59 PM, and I realize with horror that I won't be able to finish it before 6 PM, and I start choking... tell me, if I eat something at 6:01 PM, will it greatly affect my weight???" A Moldovan car enthusiast, upon seeing the "Brick" sign, takes out a trowel and kisses it. She laughs so much that every time, you feel like giving her a drop of nicotine. An experienced mother-in-law first tests the medicine bought for her by her son-in-law on animals. - In Costa Rica, they smear their hands with rubber tree sap, then wave them around. The sap hardens, and the gloves are ready. - Cool! And how do they make condoms? Concept for a new advertising video for Beeline: Two yellow and black bricks are crawling across a roof. One says to the other: - You can't escape gifts... A priest gives a sermon to schoolchildren: - My children, do not succumb to temptation! It all starts with one small cigarette, then there will be two, then three, and then they start drinking, then they start thinking about sex, luxury - all of this leads to depravity. Do you have any questions for me? - Yes, Father: where can we get this magic cigarette?
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17 years ago
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IT Castle
In this castle, you can only hire one type of hero — hackers. Hackers are similar to mages, with the only difference being that they use software instead of magic and various self-made mechanical devices.

Tavern — an Internet cafe, where you can meet seasoned hacker heroes and hire them for a reasonable fee.
Blacksmith — a computer store, where you can always buy a wi-fi laptop for remote attacks (over short distances), as well as a cart with a built-in coffee machine, and of course, a first-aid cistern aka a cistern of beer.
Market — it is a market even for IT specialists; you can buy a new pair of socks, underwear, a bottle of beer, and other things necessary for IT specialists.
Mages Guild — here hackers can obtain new software.
Warehouse — provides one additional computer per day.
Basement Office — the primary habitat of IT specialists.
Office — more light, so IT specialists are more eager to flock to such places.
Business Center — increases the growth of IT specialists; there is security and a foyer at the main entrance.
Silicon Valley — doubles the growth of IT specialists and also provides 2 additional laboratories for the defense of the valley.

Monsters
1) Users — a numerous part of the IT Castle army. They can be upgraded not only to Linuxoids, but also to Basic or PHP programmers. In the latter case, natural selection occurs: to obtain a Basic programmer, 7 users are selected and 1 of them becomes a programmer. The others cannot withstand the training process and either die or desert. Training for PHP programmers happens similarly, but requires 15 users instead of 7. They use a mouse as their primary weapon and have a special ability to stun the opponent with questions — as a result, the enemies skip a turn (this only works on monsters lacking intelligence; it is useless to ask a question to a wolf or a zombie, but it works on an orc or a goblin).
Linuxoids — advanced users. They use a keyboard as a weapon, which also serves Linuxoids perfectly as a shield, therefore their attack and defense stats are much higher than those of Users. In large groups (more than 50), they have the "Anonymous" ability, which, when activated, causes any nearby intelligent creature to flee in terror.
2) Basic Programmers — primitive programmers; mostly due to the ease of learning Basic, there are quite a lot of them, so they rely on numbers. Their favorite attack method is "goto".
Pascal/Delphi Programmers — an upgrade for Basic programmers. They have a property where the more of them there are in a squad, the higher their attack and defense.
3) PHP Programmers — programmers who need to solve a large number of tasks, therefore there must be many programmers themselves. They have quite high speed and initiative, but practically zero defense.
Java Programmers — an upgrade for PHP programmers. Thanks to the use of OOP, their defense is increased. Such programmers also receive significant bonuses when fighting in swampy areas and other places where toads/frogs and other Java symbols dwell.
4) Perl Programmers — lazy programmers, shamans, who ride camels. Their speed and initiative are quite low, but high attack and defense, combined with the ability to cast all possible spells on enemies and allies, make them very serious opponents. However, it is impossible to predict which spell the shaman will cast — he might cast Slow on an ally or Bless on an opponent.
Ruby/Python Programmers — an upgrade for Perl programmers. Thanks to the use of Ruby/Python, laziness has decreased, and therefore their initiative has significantly increased; furthermore, spells are now cast accurately, and they have no side effects like Perl programmers. However, their attack and defense stats are slightly lower than those of Perl programmers — after all, it's not CPAN.
5) C Programmers — monsters as old as the world, very strong and very dangerous. They are capable of striking fear into enemy squads with just their stern gaze. They have the ability to strike without receiving a counter-attack. They use "firewood" as their primary weapon.
Assembler Programmers — an upgrade for C programmers. Even more skilled and experienced programmers. All characteristics are increased. They also have the ability to deactivate all possible mechanical items and enemy electronics and restore friendly ones.
6) C++ Programmers — mage-programmers who create everything from nothing. They use various devices called "libs" as weapons. For every type of monster, such a programmer has his own lib (and if it doesn't exist, they can create one) to improve characteristics for fighting that monster.
Lead Programmers — programmers who have reached the pinnacle of the art, knowing most programming languages. They possess all the skills available to programmers of all previous levels (1-5).
7) Sysadmins — there are very few of them, but they are the main link in the IT Castle army. They have a special aura that increases the attack and defense of allied troops and conversely decreases these characteristics for the enemy. They have very high speed and initiative stats. They know how to throw Users and Linuxoids at enemies. They also have a special ability — "dance with a tambourine," which resurrects dead programmers from any squad. They use household tools (mainly a screwdriver) as melee weapons. Also, they can force the opponent to skip several turns by tying them up with a twisted pair (the opponent must be nearby). No upgrade exists.

from Gugolka
In reply to Amko
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17 years ago
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This is hilarious!:smile52:

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