Posts from What if we tried to create a movie script together!

I agree, it's difficult for a country bumpkin to know the word "consistency." But it's better to have something like "interrelation" rather than a jumble, but something simpler, I haven't figured it out yet.

I came up with some options:

A bouquet of scents
A variety of scents...

That's all for now...

Added 18 hours 30 minutes ago

But Bryacheslav heard the monster's labored breathing mixed with its rather infrequent squeal. And although the creature continued to push against the trapper, Bryacheslav felt that it was ready to stop or turn back. This could not be allowed. And although Bryacheslav himself was very tired, he was ready to continue this mad chase until he defeated the beast. The hunter's pit was now very close, but the creature backed off and could have stopped altogether. It was necessary to fuel its rage, and Bryacheslav, turning sharply, quickly took his bow from his shoulder and drew an arrow. The creature was fifty paces away; he needed to aim carefully. Wiping the sweat from his brow, trying to calm his breathing, Bryacheslav carefully aimed and sent the arrow into the eye of the creature's leftmost head.

Try to find a replacement or alternative for the hero's name more often. Hunter, trapper, young man, and so on...

It had almost completely stopped, but the pain in its wounded head added to the monster's rage, and it rushed at the archer with fury, apparently intending to quickly finish off the nasty mosquito that had stung it again.

It should be "added," because the pain added to the rage... and "stung."

"They burned it..." - the gray-haired man began his story, and, not listening to the end, Bryacheslav rushed to his native farmstead.

So, intuition and some school knowledge of the language suggest to me that the particle "and" is a conjunction... Read your sentence without the insertions... it turns out like this: "...the gray-haired man began his story and Bryacheslav rushed to his native farmstead..." well, it doesn't work... it's still like "the girl drew water and the trees swayed in the wind..." 2 in the garden there is elderberry, and in Kyiv there is an uncle... Divide the sentences at least like this:

"They burned it..." - the gray-haired man began his story...
Not listening to the end, Bryacheslav rushed to his native farmstead.

From afar, he smelled the smoke, and, running to the edge of the forest, he saw a terrible sight.

The second "he" is superfluous.

...with weapons in their hands. The surviving villagers...

There should be a space between the sentences.

But Bryacheslav received a response from a completely different direction.

It should be "from a completely different direction."

Almost the entire Rybarei family:
mother, terribly torn, two younger sons...

No need for a new line in the enumeration. Just put two dots and continue.

...those fiery women, about whom your mother tells...

From Dal's dictionary:
BAIT' on the south of Moscow, to bayat and baykat, to bayuvat (bayati and bati; to sow and to seed, to do and to do; as from a pet a song, so from a bat a bass) in the south and east, also in the western province, to speak, to chat, to tell, to talk, to explain; to babble, to babble, to babble, to babble, to babble, etc. He baits, I bait, I won't bait. Everyone knows the truth, but not everyone tells the truth. It's better not to bait, but to blink your eyes, as if you understand. It was a long time ago that it was baited, that a wife is not a mistress. Eat your soup and eat less. Know a lot, but say little. It is not proper to bait much. The boy has not baited for three years, but - the mother is a fool. From chatter and baiting, we will not be rich. You bait on your own, and I will speak for my side. You bait on your own, and I will divide it in half. Bait, bait, but say. The people are baiting, but they don't know what. Our grandfathers baited the truth, and we can only nod. It was baited about this with us. With the preposition, the same as to say: He baited himself a fishing line, he spoke it out in the agreement; he baited, you won't stop him. Again, he baited. He will bait everyone. He baited, it's time to go home. To bait someone, to carry away, to agree. You won't bait him for anything. Bait a little more, sit down. Bait him, give him a hint, nod. Bait again. Bait about it with your neighbor. He baited it himself. They baited all evening, they talked a lot. To bait someone, to take away, to agree. You won't bait him for anything.
In some places, baiting is used in the old meaning of whispering, healing, conjuring;

in the south, to lure, to entice, to call, to beckon, when hunting birds, with a whistle, with a voice, with a whistle: to bait partridges, to bait under a net.

To bait a child, to bait, to lull, to rock, to lull to sleep. Baianye sr. Baitka zh. action according to the verb: speaking, chatting.

Baitka, speech, talk, conversation; pronunciation, utterance; a way of expression, a way of explanation; a fable, a tale, a tale;

a thief's whistle, a pipe, a lure, especially for partridges; to hunt with a bait (see also bait). To bait вологодск. to be eloquent, to chat, to entertain with conversation. Bait, baiter m. baitala obl. baitchitsa, baitalka zh. bayun m. perm. bayukon твер. bayunya zh. bayunya obl. talker, storyteller, storyteller. Baitky, baitchivy, baitlivy, talkative, sociable, affable. Baitchivost zh. talkativeness, as an innate, constant trait; baitlivost, verbosity, occasional, depending on the situation. Bayolda obl. ryazan. empty talker, empty-headed, empty-headed. Bayan m. simb. storyteller, baiter, storyteller, knowing tales, songs, spiritual poems; this is an old bayan, boyan (as, for example, boyarin, bolyarin).

Try to find another one... maybe the old woman can speak in a rural dialect... but the city guard... Although this word is not critically bad...

They thought reinforcements had come to the creatures, they regrouped, they rushed there, and there you are. You rushed bravely, young man," the centurion said respectfully, patting Bryacheslav on the shoulder, "you single-handedly took down such a creature.

I don't like the words "regrouped" and "rushed" either. Is the first a typo, or does it exist? The second is not good because it comes from the mouth of a city guard... this is how a village elder might say it. Find an alternative, okay?

That's all for now. Sincerely, Simas.

I'm not a professional artist; I draw as best as I can. A simple pencil, a black pen... http://img503.imageshack.us/my.php?image=brur9.jpg With some darkening in Photoshop... http://img210.imageshack.us/my.php?image=brfdj4.jpg It's basically nonsense... but since it's related to the topic, I'll post it here... Hopefully, I won't get penalized for the picture)))

I'm not a professional artist, I draw as best as I can.
Just a simple pencil, a black pen...
http://img503.imageshack.us/my.php?image=brur9.jpg

With some shading from Photoshop...
http://img210.imageshack.us/my.php?image=brfdj4.jpg

It's nothing special... but since it's relevant to the topic, I'll post it here...

Hopefully, I won't get banned for this picture)))

Simas, you're amazing! And why do we need a professional artist? If we actually manage to create something, these drawings will be used as illustrations. At least, I will ask my colleagues. By the way, everyone has gone quiet.

No, not at all, we haven't stopped. I'm about to show some of my own results as well.

Okay, I’ve appeared, and I’ll post my work soon. Then we’ll decide who will be drawing. I’ve read all the posts. And tomorrow, I’ll put all the excerpts together with my own, plus pictures of all three – I’ll compile everything, and then we’ll see what happens.

P.S. Sorry for the long absence; school has been really demanding, no time to breathe. (It reminds me of the painting "Barge Haulers on the Volga").
Anyway, I have a little time now.

Here is another excerpt: In the evening of the same day, after such a somber task as burying the fallen and delivering the wounded to the infirmary, Silbern decided to take a walk through the grove. He wanted to rest from today's worries: listen to the chirping of crickets, watch the nocturnal moths, and sit near a clear spring. As he walked through the grove, he couldn't shake off today's attack from his mind. It simply didn't fit into any logical framework. "Halt! Don't move!" suddenly came to him from nowhere. "What are you doing here?" He realized that this was one of the camouflaged guard posts. "I am the elf Silbern. I'm just taking a walk and wandered here by chance. I'm leaving now," the young elf rightly decided that since there was a guard here, it was not safe to be here, and besides, no one had the right to distract the guard. The guard usually consisted of camouflaged archers who had orders to eliminate anyone who tried to cross the forest border. Our hero walked on. Descending the slope to a small stream, he drank clear spring water and looked at the golden fish, fearlessly swimming in the transparent water. He had almost stopped thinking about today's battle when he suddenly heard a strange rustling. At first, Silbern thought it was the enemy again, but he remembered that no one could sneak into the grove through the posts unnoticed. He immediately decided that it was someone from the elves, just like him, who had decided to take a walk to the spring. Being by nature not a very cheerful or bored elf, he suddenly felt a strong desire to hide and playfully scare the newcomer. Fortunately, there was a thicket of bushes a little higher up the slope. Our hero climbed up to them and hid. This time, fortune helped Silbern, whispering to him that he should hide. Two vampires appeared in the clearing... I hope I have intrigued everyone...

In the evening of the same day, after such a sorrowful task as burying the fallen and delivering the wounded to the infirmary, Silbern decided to take a walk through the grove.

Move the first comma (after "работы" before "как") so that it is immediately after "работы" without a space. Remove the comma after "павших" and place it after "раненых," before "Силберном."

He wanted to rest from today's worries: listen to the chirping of crickets, watch the nocturnal moths, sit near a clear spring. Walking through the grove, he could not get today's attack out of his head.

There is a repetition of the pronoun in adjacent sentences. Replace the second one with "elf" or "Silbern."

The young elf rightly decided that since there was a guard here, it was not safe to be here.

It should be "находиться2." The question is - what to do?

The guard usually consisted of camouflaged archers who had orders to eliminate anyone who tried to cross the forest border.

Really, anyone? Are the elves hermits in their forest? Can't they go out to a clearing or to a town to trade goods with humans? And what about the previous mentions that the elves are at war with others because humans, dwarves, and others are cutting down their forest? Who do they let through if anyone who tries to cross the forest is ordered to be eliminated? There is an inconsistency here... Rewrite it at least like this:

The guard usually consisted of camouflaged archers who had orders to detain and interrogate anyone suspicious who tried to cross the forest border.

And anyone can be a suspicious person. Dwarves, humans just because they are not elves... and elves, because it is suspicious that he is wandering near the edge of the forest, and not where elves should be...

Being by nature not a very cheerful and not a bored elf, he suddenly wanted to hide and playfully scare the one who came.

I'm sitting here thinking about the meaning of the phrase "not very cheerful and not a bored elf"... the first contradicts the other. Not very cheerful - someone who is not used to having fun, not a bored elf - someone who is used to having fun... IMHO, but it should be:

Being by nature not very cheerful, but also not a bored elf, he...

something like that, plus a comma after "elf."

That's all for now. If there is more, we will consider the vampires in more detail

Colleague, I read the excerpt, and frankly, it feels like you're taking a long time to get to the point. Furthermore, while reading the excerpt, the reader will inevitably conclude that in our world (read: Draconia), there is only one Grove where elves live. Not a forest, not a thicket, but a Grove. In Kyrgyzstan, we have a concept called a "forest belt," which is planted near a road. If you ever go to Issyk-Kul to swim and sunbathe (you may have heard of this lake), you will pass by such forest belts along the way. So, I want to say that the word "Grove" is mentioned too often. After all, a Grove is a relatively rare forest planting, something like our forest belt. I won't dwell on the errors that my colleague Simas has already found; I'll touch on the last point. "Two vampires appeared in the clearing..." But how did the elf know that the two who appeared were vampires? Fangs in their mouths, gray skin, or something else? But please, don't use vampire swords from the game as an invariable attribute of vampires. Otherwise, we'll again fall back to the level of retelling the game. And then, what about the guards, those camouflaged archers who are supposed to shoot down everything that moves? If an ordinary elf has spotted vampires, then it is their duty to shoot down these vampires before they even approach.

How did the elf know that the two newcomers were vampires? Were they showing their fangs, had gray skin, or something else? Please, don't use vampire swords from the game as an invariable attribute of vampires. Otherwise, we'll end up retelling the game again. And what about the guards, those camouflaged archers who are supposed to shoot down everything that moves? If an ordinary elf spotted the vampires, then it was their duty to shoot them down before they even got close.

I will explain how he knew, I just haven't had time yet, and I will provide more details.

I will write about how he found out; I just haven't had time yet and will explain everything in more detail.

Colleague, then don't rush. Let the elf see, for example, two unknown creatures. I want to remind you that Silraen has never seen vampires before. Or if, let's say, he saw them during a battle in the forest, but no one should perform an autopsy in front of him. So, don't rush.

So, colleagues, I'll continue...
"...The funeral pyre had died down, the women wailed, and the militia dug a huge pit outside the ruined palisade, where they dragged all the dead creatures.
The centurion gathered the survivors in the center of the village:
“Well, ladies, gather up what’s left of your belongings, put the children on the carts, and let’s go with us to the town. Our lord baron is merciful; he will find you shelter and food. We cannot stay here. Our town is defenseless. So, ladies, children, you, and your belongings, into the wagons; we will protect you on the road.”

...The Archmage, setting his staff in a special stand, pondered intently. What use were demons in a small, nameless village? To test their strength? But why in this village, and not, for example, in the town nearby? Besides, the arriving militia easily defeated the attackers with almost no losses on their side. This means that the theory of testing strength is incorrect. A reconnaissance in force? But for that, a small settlement is not the best target, but a town with a strong garrison. A diversion? But then why has no one reported a serious invasion? The news of the insignificant village quickly spread throughout all seven human kingdoms, carried on the swift wings of magical messengers and on horseback by couriers. Everyone was preparing for defense. Of course, there were many doomsayers predicting the imminent end of the world. But the Inquisition of the Church of the One fought against them. More importantly, they fought against unofficial witches who had truly devoted themselves to the forces of Evil.
The Archmage glanced sideways at the young hunter, who was sitting awkwardly in a chair nearby and looking around the private chambers of Lecius Calgius with suspicion. How could a simple village boy, who had spent his entire short life near the forest, sit on such a seat, intricately called a "chair," and see such luxurious rooms? Although the Archmage was not a hedonist, he never denied himself comfort, and especially in his old age, when his bones ached and his blood no longer warmed him, he tried to spend less time outdoors and felt best in the halls of his Academy.
“The boy is not lying,” Calgius thought, “he described the hydra in too much detail. He could never have seen this creature, but he speaks with such confidence that one must fully trust him. But he was not present during the battle with the demons, but he did see the dead creatures and his relatives. Or maybe he is hiding something. Could he be a secret agent of the demons? This means that I will still have to resort to Memory Reversal.”
The Archmage did not often use this spell – it took a lot of strength – but he knew that even the most well-masked spy would loosen his tongue without torture and without any fear of lying.
And then a thought struck the mage with such clarity that he almost swore out loud – how could he not have thought of this before? He had been racking his brain lately, wondering where to find a messenger with a piece of the Amulet of the Abyss. He perfectly understood that the messenger had to be both brave and cautious. A soldier is good in battle, but he is more likely to die in battle against superior forces than to retreat. The same applies to knights, who would prefer to die with honor than to take a step back to save their lives. But, unfortunately, dying will not save the Amulet. A peasant, on the other hand, is too cowardly. A priest – a missionary – is also not suitable: he does not understand the value of this artifact; for him, all magic is evil, committed contrary to the commandments of the One. Who should he send?
And here he is, the future messenger. A forest man, equally brave and cautious, able to navigate both the forest and the steppe. An excellent archer, a swift hunter, able to camouflage himself while waiting for prey. True, he is unfamiliar with magic, but this can be remedied – he can be taught to use the simplest basics of primitive magic, and he will develop everything else if necessary.
But will he agree? After all, common people are afraid of magic, and for the most part, rightly so. One could, of course, break his will with magic, but what good would such a puppet be?
What if he tried to convince him, to win him over, simply by telling him what threatens the world? After all, this is also his world. He saw what demons are capable of. But can he fully trust a commoner, a villager? After all, he is not bound by thousands of restrictions, oaths, as are noble people. They are more likely to die under torture, but they will try to complete the task if their honor is at stake. But the young man did not run away from the hydra, although he could have. He joined the fight, which was completely hopeless for him, which means he feels the incompatibility of the world and the monsters...
And the Archmage decided. He will introduce the young man to the astral plane, immerse him in virtual reality, and determine by his reaction whether the young hunter is capable of carrying out such a complex mission.
“Bryacheslav, come here!” Calgius called.
The young hunter approached the wizard, and after him, obeying the almost imperceptible movement of the mage’s eyebrow, the chair moved closer. The mage did not want to frighten the young man, who was uneducated in magic, and decided on such a small trick. The trapper looked at the chair with bewilderment. The Archmage smiled slyly in his gray beard and gently invited:
“Sit down. My boy, I want you to learn the history of our world and understand what happened to you recently. Long ago, when the sun rose differently than it does now, there lived in our world such terrible and wondrous beasts that they cannot even be dreamed of in a nightmare...”

Added 22 hours 10 minutes ago
Colleagues, we seem to be taking too long. Of course, everyone has their own problems, work, home, etc., but the time gaps are quite long. If you have lost interest in our idea, it would be good to let us know so that no one has any illusions and the idea can fail successfully. In any case, I will continue the novel, but it will be much more difficult to find new ideas. So?

I won't abandon this idea; it has really captured my imagination!

I won't abandon this idea; it has really captured my imagination!

Thank you, of course, colleague, but perhaps we need to move a little faster. I'm not saying that time is pressing; in fact, there's plenty of time, but we need to share our progress, ideas, and so on, because, as I understand it, the others have distanced themselves, or at least are very busy.:mad:

Silbern could not be mistaken. These were definitely them. Similar to the warriors who had attacked the elves just today. Of course, all vampires have different faces, but they have something in common – they are all deathly pale blue. With empty eyes, devoid of any spark of life. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Their eyes did not reflect a soul because they didn't have one. Both were of the same height, approximately 180 cm. One of them held a bloodstained sword in his hand, inscribed with Gothic words. Silbern didn't know the Gothic language, but he was sure that this was it. The undead prefer this font. But what struck the young elf most was the blood on the sword. It meant that several guards would not be able to enjoy the rising sun. The vampire with the sword had his hair tied in a ponytail. An evil smirk played on his face. He enjoyed killing, and if he saw our hero now, he would kill him too. Like his companion, he wore no armor at all. It seemed they had come to kill someone and disappear quickly. Armor is just an unnecessary burden that would be a hindrance in this case. Both wore long black cloaks, which would help their undead masters hide in the night. The second of the newcomers also wore a cloak, but his blade was in its scabbard, which was slung over his back, so only the hilt protruded from behind his left shoulder. In his right hand, he held a strange, curved dagger, the hilt of which was decorated with a skull, the eye sockets of which glowed with a sinister red light. An index finger of his left hand was adorned with a ring with a green stone, inside of which shadows flickered. Silbern was ready to rush at the vampires and avenge the death of his comrades, but he understood too well how dangerous it was. He might not even have time to make a single swing of his blades before the cursed vampire's sword pierced his heart. Vampires are so swift in battle. Besides, judging by all appearances, these two were obvious professionals, trained to fight and kill for centuries. Silbern knew only five elven warriors who could stand against a vampire. These were legendary heroes, whose names, however, could not help the young elf in the current situation. Only druids – the faithful priests of Silanna – could fearlessly fight against vampires. The rest had to be constantly on guard when fighting these undead warriors. The two newcomers, with quick steps, headed deeper into the forest. Silbern was surprised by how silently they moved. Perhaps in a past life, they were elves themselves, and some skills remained with them. After a while, they reached Hilael's palace. Both vampires noticed the archer guard posts before the archers noticed them. They skillfully bypassed these posts, and to Silbern's great surprise, they began to deftly climb up a tree. They didn't even break a single branch, so as not to make unnecessary noise! Our young elf also began to climb the tree, but from the other side. He was terrified, because it seemed that these two had decided to finish off Hilael and were stubbornly climbing up to his palace. Silbern didn't have time to crawl up before the vampires… When he jumped onto the platform, a fierce battle was already in full swing. Our hero, without hesitation, rushed into the fray… Here is another small excerpt; I will finish writing it in the coming days.

2Zeratul
The word “partners” is a bit odd. It feels too mundane, too real... I can’t come up with a good replacement yet... maybe it’s not bad, but I don’t like it...

2Dracon Mallasa

Warriors similar to these attacked the elves just today.

We need “warriors.”

Both were approximately the same height, about 180 cm.

Can we define it like this?
Since Silbern is also that tall, maybe you can write –
“both were approximately the same height as him...” ?

One of them held a bloodstained sword in his hand, on which Gothic words were inscribed. Silbern didn’t know the Gothic language, but he was sure it was him. The dead prefer this font.

Gothic? This is the same objection as with “partners.”

Gothic font is a special font, characterized by angular letters, used in Germany and in some other countries.

Maybe you can replace it with –
"strange angular script..."
Or
"unfamiliar angular letters, clearly not Elven and certainly not human... An Elf has never seen anything like it..."

It seems they came to kill someone and quickly disappear. Armor is just extra baggage that would be a hindrance in this case.

“to” together.
And where does this confidence come from that they are going to kill someone specifically? Does the author know this, or is it the elf’s guess? Why does the elf think they came to kill one important person? Why does he think that the armor is not worn precisely so as not to interfere? Maybe vampires are just used to it – without armor...

Both wore long black cloaks, which would help their undead masters hide in the night. The second of those who arrived was also wearing a cloak...

Well, if the first sentence states that the cloaks were on both, then it is unnecessary to write “the second was also in a cloak” in the second sentence. It’s already clear. Write immediately –
“the blade of the second (second) vampire (stranger, creature, non-human) was in a scabbard that was thrown over his back so that...” and so on – the rest is fine.

In his left hand, he held a strange curved dagger, the hilt of which was decorated with a skull, the eye sockets of which glowed with a sinister red light.

The hilt of which, the eye sockets of which... the repetition is not very beautiful.
You can replace it with: "...the hilt of which was decorated with a skull with glowing red sinister eye sockets..."

Or "...a curved dagger with a skull-decorated hilt, the eye sockets of which glowed with a sinister red light."

On the index finger of his left hand was a ring with a green stone, inside of which some shadows were swirling. Silbern was ready to rush at the vampires and avenge the death of his brethren, but he understood all too well the danger. He might not even have time to make a single swing of his blades before the cursed vampire sword pierced his heart. The vampires were so swift in battle.

Uh... where does Silbern get this knowledge of the vampires’ combat reaction speed? Has he fought them a lot? Is this part of the training program at his school? Or did he remember this during the last attack – he saw it with his own eyes... If the latter, which is most likely, this should be indicated. For example, instead of the last sentence:

“Not so long ago, the young elf had the opportunity to see how swift these strangers are in battle. He didn’t want to risk it.

The others had to be on alert every second when fighting these undead warriors.

“warriors.”

The two who arrived quickly headed deeper into the forest.

The comma is unnecessary.

Silbern noted with surprise how silently they moved. Perhaps, in a past life, they were elves themselves, and some skills remained with them. After some time, they all reached Hilael’s palace. Both vampires noticed the archer guard posts before the archers noticed them. They skillfully bypassed these posts, and to Silbern’s great surprise, they began to deftly climb up the tree. They didn’t even break a single branch, so as not to create unnecessary noise! Our young elf also began to climb up the tree, but from the other side. He was scared, because it seemed that these two decided to finish off Hilael. And they stubbornly climbed up to his palace. Silbern didn’t have time to crawl up before the vampires… When he jumped onto the platform, the battle was already in full swing. Our hero, without hesitation, rushed into the battle…

“in full swing” together.
In general, I’m in a state of shock... It’s too easy for these vampires – they got through, climbed up... And no one noticed? Please excuse the author, but it looks too contrived, too simple, and implausible... The vampires practically walk calmly from the edge of the forest, unnoticed, and climb a magical tree... Is it magical? If I remember correctly, it should be enchanted and well-protected. Besides, a battle took place near it recently – so there are many people around... it’s just very strange that the vampires can walk through the whole forest unnoticed...
Maybe you should reconsider the passage? After all, it is quite possible that these two came here with the whole horde, but with a special mission. And while others were fighting and dying, distracting the elves, the vampires sneaked into the inner courtyard of the palace, hid there for a while, and then continued to make their way... And Silbern... And Silbern wandered through the forest and returned to the palace. And... perhaps he stumbled upon a killed (obviously just killed, because it was still quite warm, and the blood was still flowing from the cut throat in spurts)... Perhaps he noticed a shadow slipping past. Two shadows... Yes, he was incredibly lucky that these two didn’t notice him... And, of course, Silbern needed to hurry. It was simply necessary to warn... It is even possible to assume that since the elves won the battle, they are not expecting a new and immediate attack. Perhaps the guard at the palace, on the stairs, is also wounded and helping them. So the vampires could have gotten through...

In general, think about it and rewrite it... Then you will have to revise the first part as well...

In general, this is my opinion-advice, but whether to follow it is up to you...

Sincerely, Simas