Posts from What if we tried to create a movie script together!

Right now, we are compiling a book, and then we will create a script based on the book.

Sign me up. Please, I can describe a Sorceress, an Orc, or a Necromancer. Actually, I think a Demon (Succubus) would be better.

Try writing something, and we'll see how well you do.

P.S. I'm tired of making excuses, but if after these explanations you still insist on your version—I will remove the additions and only correct punctuation and spelling... As for what meaning or essence your book will have, that will no longer be my concern. And I couldn't care less...
In general, I just wanted to help, but since you don't want to... well, fine!

Colleague, there is no need to take the authors' words so personally. Everyone wants to keep their own version; that's only natural. But you are absolutely right in pointing out factual errors. That is precisely what a proofreader's job consists of in this case. Separately to the authors—do not insist on your version if factual errors are evident. Colleague Simas is pointing them out correctly. Also, the battle scene, it seems to me, comes too early. It turns out we throw the reader into a whirlwind of events without giving them time to understand what the work is actually about.

Added after 3 minutes
Now I want to present my version of the backstory.
High Archmage Letius Calgius, despite his venerable age, almost ran down the corridor of the Spell Chamber. His servants, first- and second-year acolytes, could barely keep up with their teacher, being in complete confusion over this haste of the universally respected gentleman, one of the Pillars of the powerful Order of Guardians. The venerable elder, who usually walked majestically through the halls of the Great Magic Academy in his crimson and gold robe, wearing an unchanging fur mitre richly adorned with gold and precious stones, holding his carved Staff of Higher Initiation in his hand, always surrounded by his assistants and master mages, was now rushing, apparently despite severe pain in his elderly joints. Approaching the door of the Council Chamber with a lumbering gait, Messire Archmage carelessly waved his staff, and the door swung open before him—as it seemed to the surrounding mages and acolytes, obsequiously and respectfully. The Archmage stumbled into the chamber, and behind his back, immediately cutting off the gazes of the curious and the magical attempts of the particularly bold, the door slammed shut and seemed to become one with the wall. Those remaining knew: only someone from the Pillars of the Order of Guardians could enter this hall, but certainly not outsiders, even if they imagined themselves powerful mages and believed they were on first-name terms with Messire Dean of the renowned Magic Academy.
The Archmage, having run into the Council Chamber, collapsed into a luxurious chair, trying to catch his breath and coughing, holding his chest with an elderly hand. If not for the message brought twenty minutes ago by a postal dragonet of the Sylvan elves to his private quarters, calling him immediately due to very important and serious circumstances to visit the Council Chamber, would he have allowed himself, in his advanced years, to hop about like a mischievous boy before his students and colleagues—many of whom also once graduated from this Academy in his faculty—while rushing here? But such requests from his brethren, the Pillars of the Order of Guardians, were extremely rare and concerned only very important and serious events occurring on Drakodar (currently a working title for the world proposed by colleague Dragon Mallassy—apparently, kinship requires it).
Having caught his breath slightly, Letius Calgius concentrated, recalled the corresponding materialization formula, and spoke it. A three-legged marble table with a polished top covered in natural patterns appeared in the room. On the marble surface of the table rested a crystal ball on a stand that a skilled master had carved in the form of a man with a drawn sword, an elf with a taut bow, and a dwarf with a raised hammer. The surface of the sphere shimmered with lights, reflecting the astral world that permeates the real world. By waving his staff in the air and uttering another spell, the Archmage caused the magnificent and elegant lamps hanging here and there on the walls of the Chamber to go out. Since outsiders were forbidden entry, all daily work was performed by the master's magic; therefore, all furniture in the Chamber was arranged according to the wishes of the Archmage, who in his best years was not known for neatness, always justifying his shortcomings with a creative flight of thought.
The Archmage placed his hands on the piercingly cold Summoning ball and, mentally straining, sent a spell into the astral plane calling all Pillars to create a Council Circle.
Although the Summoning ball was physically present in this world, it refracted the astral within itself, and the surface of the sphere never heated up. Every time after a communication session, the Archmage suffered from joints aching with arthritis. It was fortunate that such councils were very rare.
Leaning back against the chair but keeping his hands on the ball and waiting for his interlocutors, the Archmage mentally sifted through the reasons that had prompted his forest brother to send a messenger dragon. None of the events that had occurred recently and were known to Letius Calgius required an urgent convening of the Council.
But then an image appeared in the Archmage's mind of Trent, one of the Pillars of the Order, a Dark Elf by race. His mental image was an exact projection of the real one, and in the real world, his beautiful but unfamiliar face to human eyes was always stern and gloomy.
"Did you call, brother?"—the Dark Elf's question arose in the Archmage's head.
"Yes, brother. Our Hilael has very important information."—Trent's face twisted in a spasm. The Archmage knew how much these elves hated each other, although they belonged to the same species, they were completely different in internal nature.
"So important that he decided to convene the Council? And you agreed? What could that herbalist possibly have that is important? No doubt he'll be screaming again about an invasion of his beloved forests!"—the Dark one asked fiercely. Although nuances are not supposed to be transmitted in a mental conversation, the Archmage caught a storm of hatred in Trent's soul.
"Brother, do not get heated,"—the Archmage tried to calm the Dark one. "Our forest brother has no need to involve himself in earthly conflicts. If he asks the Council to gather, then he truly has important information."
At this time, the image of a third interlocutor appeared on the astral plane: Trogg, a dwarf by origin.
"What happened, brothers?"—the dwarf asked. It seemed that the astral shuddered from the booming bass, although everyone knew that tones of voice are not transmitted in the mental plane, but the Pillars knew their most powerful mage among them, the dwarven one, well enough. "What is the Council about?"
"Another bug died for our Hilael!"—Trent added sarcastically.
"Be fair, brother,"—Letius Calgius requested. "Trogg, Hilael asked to convene the Council to report something extremely important."
"What could be more important than Fire Rats?"—the dwarf responded irritably. "They are eating our fortifications and the mines are collapsing."
"Not surprising,"—Trent replied snidely, "your guards got drunk again, so they pee wherever they want, and the supports rot."
The Archmage warily waited for an explosion from the unrestrained dwarf, but he apparently decided that it was easier to kill the Dark one physically than to change him, and remained silent. After a short mutual silence, Trent said: "If this creature doesn't make contact now..."
As if responding to some spell, the image of the High Elf Hilael appeared in the mental field, but in what state! His hair, usually extremely neatly arranged and tied with colored straps, was disheveled and partially singed; his forehead and right cheek were burned, and blood flowed down his chin from a scratched left cheek.
But the thought-voice of the refined elf was, as always, full of dignity:
"Forgive me, brothers, but the delay was not caused by me. A battle recently took place around my hut!"
All the mages froze; only the Dark one looked at his rival with a satisfied smirk.
The Pillars of the Order of Guardians knew that Hilael called a luxurious tree palace "hut," created atop a majestic ash surrounded by powerful charms. Simply approaching the ash was very difficult even for a powerful wizard, especially considering that the ash was located deep within the Enchanted Ancient Forest, where nothing and no one could hide from the keen eyes of elven rangers. Thus, what the elven mage said was unrealistic, but no one would suspect their brother of a hoax. Everyone knew Hilael as a very rational elf who, even in everyday life, would never allow himself to be even slightly unserious. Therefore, all the astrally present mages felt that something incomprehensible and therefore very dangerous had happened.
Hilael continued: "It all began at dawn. I detected something—a fluctuation in the general tension of the world's magical component. Deciding to analyze this phenomenon, which quickly faded after a sudden surge, I discovered that this surge was produced by some powerful artifact of local significance. Through a Search spell, I found the center of this surge and... brace yourselves, brothers... these were residual fluctuations of the power of the Amulet of Hell, parts of which we all keep. I immediately tried to reach Agremay, who keeps that part, and simultaneously sent a forest dragonet with a message to Letius. I did not feel Agremay, and that means only one thing: he did not want to communicate..."
"...Or he was dead!"—the Dark one interrupted.
"Do not talk nonsense, brother,"—Hilael showered him with contempt, "the death of any of us would be felt by all others instantly. Agremay is alive; for some reason he used the Amulet, and soon after that an attack on our forest began. I was warned by the secrets of our scouts that several zombies tried to penetrate the forest. They were destroyed quite quickly, but then a cloud of Death struck the scouts who had revealed themselves. Several scouts died. Druids were summoned and word was sent to me. And then a real battle broke out. From the northern edge of the forest, where we keep no main troops other than scout secrets, undead of all kinds advanced. I was urgently summoned as the nearest and strongest of mages, and now reinforcements from other parts of the forest are moving toward us. We repelled the attack, although I cannot guarantee it will not happen again, but the very fact of an undead attack and Agremay's stubborn silence speaks volumes. We all know about the increasing attempts by demons to penetrate our world again, and today's incident may not be accidental. As regrettable as it is, brothers, it seems Agremay is a traitor. Lately he has leaned toward the Cult of Death, and the undead attack—are these not links in one chain? Especially if this is a provocation by demons. Then everything is very bad..."
"If you are right, brother,"—the Archmage wove his thought slowly and deliberately, "then it's not just bad, it's a catastrophe. If Agremay, one of us, is a traitor and the undead attack was his doing with the help of the Amulet of Hell, then... Then he knows where the other parts of the Soul Talisman are located. We all know perfectly well that Hell craves this Talisman to bring back into the world the one who was exiled. If Hell obtains this Talisman, the lords of Inferno will find the body and give it to the Disembodied. Our races are strong now, but strong individually. Our enemies will not let us unite again, and demons allied with the undead will crush us one by one. Speak, brothers..."
"I don't believe the forester's words,"—Trent said thoughtfully, "but his appearance... I believe that even if the flower-grower tells a quarter of the truth, we must re-hide the parts of the composite Talisman."
The ending is not yet developed; waiting for reviews on the proposed piece.

Added after 10 minutes

Esteemed colleagues! If we are composing a literary work, that's normal.
In general, I haven't fully grasped what exactly is being planned here.

Colleague, as I understand it, you have already had the opportunity to encounter a scenario, and you know that first comes the composition of a literary work, and then a scenario is created based on it. In our group, things are progressing exactly this way. We are creating an epic work, and then, as soon as it is finished, we will try to fulfill the function of a scenario, and I think your help will be invaluable. I would separately ask you to post YOUR versions of the plot for the demons, and we will try to evaluate them and make adjustments.

Added after 30 minutes

And also:
1. Zeratul inserted your text, slightly corrected the clothing and gait.
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Colleague, I am grateful for the editing, but I didn't mention the clothing without reason. It would be strange if a great mage, one of the deans, walked around in a simple gray robe. A robe is called a robe because it differs from everyday clothes, intended only for formal appearances. In this case, it's like a guild sign or at least a faculty mark—something like a special forces uniform or an assassin's camouflage cloak

Okay, friends, let's not argue, otherwise nothing will come of it. Simas, I'll read it again in the evening and put it in the "your version of the text" thread. The same goes for Zeratul's text.

DinHot is absolutely right; there's no need to argue. All issues should be resolved peacefully.
P.S. I hope to upload a new excerpt by the weekend.

Hmm... There is a practice of writing a script from scratch. Have you seen "The Matrix"? Of course, it took them about four years to write it...

I'll join soon.

So, I made some tiny cosmetic corrections and updated the text in the book topic. I’ll post my text on the weekend.

P.S. Perhaps the first chapter can be finished.

Chapter Two

His dark hair fluttered slightly, a sign of a calm ride. Something unsettling was in his dark eyes, something sad. Very little is known about our hero's past. He was born into a family that was neither poor nor rich; he had everything he needed, but from childhood, he felt a sadness about something unattainable, although he didn't know what it was. He was enrolled in an assassins' school, like any other child. In the last peaceful times, their services were no longer needed. So, their services acquired a slightly different meaning – escorting caravans, protecting borders from wild animals. Although rarely, they still received orders for murder, espionage, and every reasonable mercenary always agreed, because such an opportunity might not come again. And the order for Albin was one of those.
The horse snorted; ahead, a chill was felt. Ahead was a passage underground. Our hero jumped off the horse and headed forward. There, he was met by mossy stones, between which a barely visible staircase began to wind down. Finally, he felt that freshness of damp earth and moss again, familiar to him since early childhood. Faint steps of an elf echoed on the damp steps. He descended into almost complete darkness, but then the first torches appeared – a sign that he would soon be met by sentries. Underground plains, there is nothing more beautiful. All paths lead to the fortresses and cities of the dark elves, so you won't go wrong if you follow one of them. Suddenly, in the distance, he saw a small caravan. *I wonder if they'll give me a ride to Glenger* - Albin thought. He walked towards their wagons… (I’ll finish writing further tomorrow)
Rate it.

Regarding Zeratul's text (I just finished reading it...): The text is wonderful; I was completely engrossed... But there are still several comments, questions, and corrections:

His servants, acolytes of the first and second levels, could barely keep up with their teacher, being in complete confusion about the haste of this highly respected master, one of the Pillars of the mighty Order of Guardians.

I added a comma after "second level," and replaced "поспевали" with "поспевала." After all, it was the servants who were keeping up.

If it weren't for the message delivered twenty minutes ago by a forest elf post dragon to his private chambers, urging him to immediately visit the Advisory Chamber due to very important and serious circumstances, would he have allowed himself, in his advanced years, to jump around like a mischievous boy in front of his students and colleagues, many of whom had also graduated from this Academy in his department, rushing here? But such requests from his fellow Pillars of the Order of Guardians were extremely rare and concerned only very important and serious events occurring in Draconia.

So, I understand the letter was sent by Hilael, right? Because it is stated that the letter was delivered by a forest elf post dragon...

"You summoned me, brother?" – the question of the Dark Elf arose in the Archmage's mind.

This is the Dark Elf speaking...

"Yes, brother. Our Hilael has very important information." – Trent's face was contorted in a spasm.

And again, it's Trent, who is the Dark Elf... Is he answering himself?

"So important that he decided to convene the Council? And you agreed? What could this herbalist possibly have that is important? He'll probably start ranting about an attack on his beloved forests!" - the Dark One asked angrily.

Is this a monologue by Trent, the Dark Elf, continuing?

As if responding to some spell, the image of the Light Elf Hilael appeared in the mental field...

The dragon brought a letter from the forest elves, but Hilael is a Light Elf? Are "Light" and "forest" synonyms in the book, or is this an oversight by the author?

blood was flowing from the scratched left cheek.

Perhaps "scratched" would be better? This is just a suggestion...

"Don't talk nonsense, brother," Hilael said with contempt, "we all felt the death of each of us instantly.

After "felt," it would be appropriate to add "бы" - the death of each of us, we all would have felt it instantly.

They were destroyed quite quickly, but then a cloud of Death struck the sentries who had revealed themselves.

Who struck? And is "по обнаружившим себя дозорным" perhaps an introductory phrase that should be set off with commas? I just didn't quite understand this sentence...
And, by the way, what are "secrets"? Are the sentries (towers) meant?

He has recently gravitated towards the Cult of Death, and the undead attack – is this not a link in the same chain?

The second part of the sentence: "And the undead attack – is this not a link in the same chain?" sounds like a question. Like:
:
"Eating ice cream – is that not happiness?"

Please consider the sentence. Perhaps it can be rephrased to avoid using a question mark at the end. Or split the sentence into two.

If the Underworld gets this Talisman, the lords of Inferno will find the body and give it to the Bodiless One.

Is this referring to the one who is "without a body"? Could "bodiless" be used?

Our races are strong now, but strong individually.

Is this sentence correct?... Because later it says:

We will not be able to unite again, and the demons, in alliance with the undead, will crush us one by one.

In general, this is also a little unclear to me personally...

That's all. For now, there are no more questions or corrections...
Sincerely, Simas.

Simas, please take a look at the book thread; I've finished the first chapter. If you have time, read it completely; maybe I missed some nuances. And also, check for any flaws in the beginning of the second chapter. Okay? I'll be waiting.

Added 2 minutes later: Flaws

2Dinkhot (is it okay that it's in Russian?)

Simas, please take a look at the book thread, I've finished the first chapter, read it completely if you have time, maybe I missed some nuances? And also, any shortcomings in the beginning of the second chapter. Okay? I'm waiting.

Okay. Tomorrow. I'm already running home from work... and I only have internet access at work...

Also, a request - to find this thread, I have to search through this topic, looking for your link... The more pages, the harder it is... It would be better to indicate more precisely where it is, because I don't visit the forum often - I can't figure out exactly where it is... And going and downloading it via the link every time takes a lot of time... If possible, could Zeratul move the link to the first post? Thank you in advance.

Simas

Regarding Zeratul's text (I just read it...)... The text is wonderful, I was completely engrossed... But there are still a number of comments, questions, and corrections:
I put a comma after "second course," and replaced "поспевали" with "поспевала." After all, it was the servants who were hurrying.


Sincerely, Simas.

Colleague, the servants and acolytes were hurrying. That is, the servants of the Archmage, his students, and, let's say, colleagues.

Added 2 minutes ago

So, I understand the letter was sent by Hilael, right? Because it says that the letter was sent by a forest elf postal dragon...


.

Yes, colleague, you are right. I came up with what could replace the postal service in this world, although, to be honest, I borrowed it from Perumov. He just had lizards.

Added 2 minutes ago

This is a dark elf speaking...


And again, Trent, who is a dark elf... Is he answering himself?


Is Trent's, the dark elf's, monologue continuing?


.

Colleague, the Archmage is answering. And then comes the reaction of the Dark Elf. I indicated this in the punctuation. Although you are right, it should have been moved to a new line.

Added 3 minutes ago

The dragon brought a letter from the forest elves, but Hilael is a light elf? Are "light" and "forest" synonyms in the book, or is this an oversight by the author?

Yes, colleague. I decided that the constant repetition of "forest" is redundant, and I decided to introduce a synonym.

Added 2 minutes ago

"Scratched" might be better? This is just a suggestion...


After "felt," it would be appropriate to insert "бы" - each of us would have felt the death of each of us instantly.
.

Yes, I completely agree. Indeed, this was my oversight.

Added 5 minutes ago

Who attacked? And is "по обнаружившим себя дозорным" accidentally an introductory phrase that should be set off with commas? I just didn't quite understand this sentence...
And, by the way, what are "secrets"? The watchtowers, or something?
.

In this case, I did not specify the attackers, since the first blow was taken by the watchmen, who may not have known the specialization of the "attackers." We understand that liches attack with a cloud of death, but simple scouts may not know such subtleties. And "secret" is a military-intelligence unit, usually border guards, but there can also be scouts. In this specific case, it is the watchmen.

Added 3 minutes ago

Is it the one who is "without a body"? Could it be "бестелесому"?
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It refers to the one who was disembodied, i.e., the one who was deprived of his body (physical) and placed in a composite Talisman. In this case, it is the first Lord of the Abyss.

Added 4 minutes ago

Is this sentence correct?... Because then it says:


In general, I personally don't quite understand it here...

.

Colleague, I knew that this phrase was ambiguous. It means that each race considers itself strong enough to repel the attack. That is, they will not unite, because unification requires a common command, and those who already consider themselves important will not agree to this. In this case, the Archmage refers to the alienation of the races that is happening at this time.

Added 5 minutes ago

If possible, let Zeratul post the link in the first post. Thank you in advance.

Simas

Unfortunately, I cannot simply copy the link, my computer gives an error when I try to log in to this address myself.
I will ask colleague DinHot to do this.

Added 14 hours 0 minutes ago
DinHot, I read the post of our work and some comments arose.
First, the composition. In the first chapter, there is a narrative about Albina, then a break - a scene from the Council, then the story about Albina continues.
I think that the scene from the Council should precede the stories about the heroes and should be without numbering, i.e., something like a preface to the novel. Indeed, a novel, and not a story or even a narrative. The volume that we want to create will not fit in a story, and no self-respecting producer will undertake its implementation.
Secondly, we are rushing too much with the description of the action. We don't have even an approximate map of the world yet. We throw the heroes into the world like a penny.
Thirdly, regarding the scene from the Council.
Original: "I discovered through the Search spell the center of this surge and... brace yourselves, brothers... these were residual fluctuations of the power of the Amulet of the Abyss, parts of which we all keep."
Correction: "I discovered through the Search spell the center of this surge and it turned out that these were residual fluctuations of the power of the Amulet of the Abyss, parts of which we all keep."
You unnecessarily removed the phrase "brace yourselves, brothers," I wanted to emphasize the suddenness and danger of this event.
Next, Hilael's message.
Original: "several zombies. They were destroyed quite quickly, but then a cloud of Death struck the watchmen who had revealed themselves."
Correction: "several zombies. They were destroyed quite quickly, but then those who revealed themselves - will not rise again. They suffocated in a poisonous cloud."
I wanted to show that this was an attack by the undead, because we know that an attack with a cloud of Death is the magic of liches, and poisons are the prerogative of Dark Elves. It turns out that the Dark Elves resurrected several zombies, and then poisoned the watchmen who revealed themselves, or they acted together with the undead. Then the phrase "but then those who revealed themselves - will not rise again." I understand your desire to make the message more beautiful and tragic, but it turns out that the elves lay there until their death and now they will not rise again. And it is extremely difficult to shoot bows while lying down.
Please do not be offended by the corrections, but believe me, before I write the text, I mentally calculate each expression several times.

2Zeratul:

the servants and acolytes hurried along.

Then write it like this: "His servants and acolytes of the first and second levels barely kept up with..." Otherwise, that comma after "servants" looks like a clarification of what kind of servants they were...

Colleague," replied the Archmage. Then comes the Dark One's reaction. I indicated this in the punctuation. Although you are right, it should have been moved to a new line.

Hmm... Your suggestion -

"Yes, brother. Our Hilael has very important information." Trent's face contorted.

is direct speech. Highlighting with quotation marks and the author's words... What you wrote next without quotation marks and with a capital letter doesn't save the situation...
Compare:
"This fool dared to interfere with me!" - Edwin's face turned red with anger...
Does it seem like Edwin is speaking?
In short, fix it... or write: "..." - The Archmage didn't have time to finish his thought when Trent's face... Or make it a separate sentence without any dashes, so that it doesn't look like a continuation of the direct speech.

They were destroyed quite quickly, but then the sentries, who had revealed themselves, were hit by a Cloud of Death.

In this case, I didn't specify the attackers, since the first strike was taken by the sentries, who might not have known the specialization of the "attackers." We understand that liches attack with a Cloud of Death, but simple scouts may not know such details.
It can be written like this:
The (enemy) invaders were destroyed quite quickly, but then, the enemies (outsiders) hit the sentries, who had revealed themselves, with a Cloud of Death.
Correct, the elves don't necessarily need to know the names, but everyone who is not on their side can be called outsiders, enemies, invaders, attackers, stinking army, bastards... in short, in different ways... otherwise, your sentence just seems incomplete...

P.S.: I saw that you have already fixed it... good...

Now, let's move on to the edits:
2Dinhot, regarding the text where the book is already mentioned:

1) Reread the first sentence of your post and correct it. It doesn't relate to the text, of course, but it still hurts the eye...

2) Note that where the text mentions the stand for the sphere for the messire, the gnome's weapon was corrected to a hammer (and the typo was removed accordingly)...

3) Read Zeratul's posts - he made some corrections and suggestions...

2Zeratul (again) - please make your corrections (for example, about the poisonous cloud), taking into account my corrections (about direct speech, servants, and acolytes)... And about what else we wrote - add them to your text. Then let Dinhot copy and paste the text about the elder again...

And again about the text:

Therefore, the elves looked around with interest.

with interest

That's all... for now, I don't notice any more mistakes. Take all of the above into account and correct it. Oh yes, listen to Zeratul and move his text:

Sincerely, Simas

Simas, I completely agree with the identified errors. Thank you for your work and cooperation.

Thank you for pointing out the flaws; I will fix them soon.