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DinHot, I would also like to write about the Dark Elves. Maybe we can come to a reasonable compromise? (we can write together and combine our work into one).
Dracon Малласа
Posts from What if we tried to create a movie script together!
Dracon Малласа
DinHot
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Okay, we can write it together. We can discuss the chapters and content in the chat. By the way, what's your ICQ number?
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".
Dracon Малласа
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Okay, I would like to add another excerpt about Albin's mission...
P.S. Simas, please point out any inaccuracies in this and previous texts.
In all cities, even small settlements, Dark Elves always have an entrance to the Dungeon, through which they constantly maintain contact with all their settlements, even the smallest ones. In this way, they also transport troops and trade caravans, rarely using roads located on the surface! But even in their own Dungeons, they are not absolute rulers! Dwarves! - arrogant and greedy creatures in the eyes of the Dark Elves! They believe that because they have been the undisputed rulers of the Dungeons for several centuries, this will continue forever?! But that is not the case, most Dark Elves think. That is why the feud between the Dark Elves and the Dwarves is much stronger than with their forest brethren! And constant skirmishes in the Dungeons with the Dwarves have become commonplace for the Dark Elves.
Albin and the others were led into the Dungeon. There was a mesmerizing beauty all around... Stalactites hanging from the jagged ceiling of the cave shimmered with all shades of purple. They alternately turned blood-red and then filled with a bright, deep blue-black! All this hypnotized the imagination, but also frightened with its unknown, with its secret presence of danger, from which Albin felt a chill run down his spine. Something similar was felt by the others... Follow me," a voice echoed from the darkness. Everyone followed the strange figure, who had a small hump and was wearing a tattered cloak with a hood. The entire procession gradually moved away towards the gladiatorial arena... None of them were sure they would survive, none of them were sure they would have to fight a Chaos Hydra (Young graduates must be prepared for anything; there was a case when one of the teachers warned his students about the upcoming test. Later, this teacher was found murdered in his own bed, and one of the captured Rakshasas was unleashed on his students, who had already developed a plan to fight the Hydra, and he slaughtered them all), none of them would ever be cowardly or run away...
They found themselves in the center of a round arena, the walls of which were covered in poisoned spikes, and in some parts of the arena lay fragments of chains. Each of them had either a sword, a pike, or some other weapon, depending on the personal preferences of its owner + each of them had a crossbow and a knife. The knife is worth paying special attention to. The Dark Elves' knives were perfectly balanced and sharpened. They could be thrown from any position - they would still stick in...
May the Mother of Shadows help you," the elder in the cloak proclaimed loudly. The gates of the arena opened, and a Chaos Hydra rushed towards the young elves, clacking its teeth. Albin gripped his blade tighter. The battle began..
P.S. Simas, please point out any inaccuracies in this and previous texts.
In all cities, even small settlements, Dark Elves always have an entrance to the Dungeon, through which they constantly maintain contact with all their settlements, even the smallest ones. In this way, they also transport troops and trade caravans, rarely using roads located on the surface! But even in their own Dungeons, they are not absolute rulers! Dwarves! - arrogant and greedy creatures in the eyes of the Dark Elves! They believe that because they have been the undisputed rulers of the Dungeons for several centuries, this will continue forever?! But that is not the case, most Dark Elves think. That is why the feud between the Dark Elves and the Dwarves is much stronger than with their forest brethren! And constant skirmishes in the Dungeons with the Dwarves have become commonplace for the Dark Elves.
Albin and the others were led into the Dungeon. There was a mesmerizing beauty all around... Stalactites hanging from the jagged ceiling of the cave shimmered with all shades of purple. They alternately turned blood-red and then filled with a bright, deep blue-black! All this hypnotized the imagination, but also frightened with its unknown, with its secret presence of danger, from which Albin felt a chill run down his spine. Something similar was felt by the others... Follow me," a voice echoed from the darkness. Everyone followed the strange figure, who had a small hump and was wearing a tattered cloak with a hood. The entire procession gradually moved away towards the gladiatorial arena... None of them were sure they would survive, none of them were sure they would have to fight a Chaos Hydra (Young graduates must be prepared for anything; there was a case when one of the teachers warned his students about the upcoming test. Later, this teacher was found murdered in his own bed, and one of the captured Rakshasas was unleashed on his students, who had already developed a plan to fight the Hydra, and he slaughtered them all), none of them would ever be cowardly or run away...
They found themselves in the center of a round arena, the walls of which were covered in poisoned spikes, and in some parts of the arena lay fragments of chains. Each of them had either a sword, a pike, or some other weapon, depending on the personal preferences of its owner + each of them had a crossbow and a knife. The knife is worth paying special attention to. The Dark Elves' knives were perfectly balanced and sharpened. They could be thrown from any position - they would still stick in...
May the Mother of Shadows help you," the elder in the cloak proclaimed loudly. The gates of the arena opened, and a Chaos Hydra rushed towards the young elves, clacking its teeth. Albin gripped his blade tighter. The battle began..
Simsa
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P.S. Simas, please point out any flaws in this and previous texts right away.
Simas
Added after 4 hours 46 minutes
Colleagues, colleague Simas is absolutely right.
And can we do without this "colleague"? A nickname is enough. That's two.
Prologue
And there was darkness. And time stopped. There was neither good nor evil, only that from which they were to be restored. In this cradle of life, as the darkness began to thicken, a spark ignited. The gloom was defeated…
…The Spark, like the last star before dawn, losing, but fighting to the end. It burned with its gentle, pale flame. Dormant, it still has its role to play. Later, much later than its birth…
…A great deal of time passed, though how to say, since time has stopped. But the warmth, the light from this spark, created that which should change it all…
The Spark, like the last star before dawn, losing, but fighting to the end. It burned with its gentle, pale flame.
Plus, there are phrases that would be better split into two sentences.
Dormant, it still has its role to play.
I've added the missing commas; I suggest the following version of the text correction:
...And there was darkness. And time stopped. There was neither good nor evil, only that from which they were to be restored. And, as the darkness began to thicken, a spark ignited in this cradle of life... A Spark, like the last star before dawn, losing, but fighting to the end. And the Gloom was defeated.
It burned with its gentle, pale flame. Dormant... It still has its role to play. Later, much later than its birth…
…A great deal of time passed, though how to say, since time has stopped. But the warmth, the light from this spark, created that which should change it all…
Regarding the chapter: it's better to write Invisible Hand with a capital letter. I replaced some phrases (for example, instead of "could pay" - "was ready to". Trust me, it's better this way). I added missing commas for addresses... Plus, I think that "Chapter 1" or "Chapter One" (Chapter One is better... but I'm not insisting). I removed the "and" between "sufficiently" and "decently". It sounded as if the person was dressed not only decently, but also sufficiently... about 70 percent, probably:)..
Result:
Chapter One
The young elf Albin was wiping blood from his sword. Recently, at the school of the Invisible Hand, as a gifted student, he was given a contract killing for a decent reward. A certain woman was ready to pay up to 1000 coins for this assignment; depending on how the murder went. Now, beside the elf, whose eyes were as black and bottomless as Silanna's, lay a man under the shadow of a tree - dressed sufficiently decently. The last thing left to do – Albin flicked a knife and a finger with this man's ring remained in his hand. Proof that he was killed.
Glenger is a few days' journey away. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night at an inn. In the morning, after having breakfast and watching a couple of fights, he went to the city where he was expected. He needed to reach the underground passage within a day, and it would be easier from there.
On the way, Albin kept examining the signet. Although assassins are not supposed to know who the murdered person is or what the employer's motives are, this elf was not like that. A stone was set in the platinum ring. It was so red that Albin's eyes hurt from the unfamiliarity. The whole thing was etched with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones. The youth tucked the ring into his pocket. And continued his journey...
***
Two figures in austere robes leaned over the body.
- Do you think it was a contract?
- Most likely. This poor fellow didn't even have time to be afraid. – The man closed the deceased's eyes – Rest in peace, brother Antifiy. Then he opened a book and read a prayer, while the second prepared the slain for burial on a pyre.
Regarding the words highlighted in red:
I suggest replacement options:
Dazzling-red, dazzling-purple, deep-scarlet... or other options... Just "red" is too simple. IMHO.
Regarding the demonic hieroglyphs... Did Albin often see demonic writings? Maybe write:
The whole thing was etched with runes and very strange ornaments, unlike any known to the young elf...
I'm inclined to think that since the elf is young, he couldn't know demonic writings yet. If he studied them at school, it should be mentioned. Then it could be like this:
The whole thing was etched with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones, which were once mentioned at school.
I removed the sentence about the runes on the inside - if the ring is completely etched, then the inside is too... and even on the stone, it turns out;)
All IMHO. No fighting.
Simas.
Dracon Малласа
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Dear Zeratul. I think that a lot has already been written, and it would be good to put everything together in one chapter and post it in a separate thread, but the decision is, of course, up to you.
Added 2 minutes ago
The Hydra rushed towards them like a boulder thrown from high mountains. None of them felt fear. They all knew what they were getting into. Approaching to a distance of about 7 meters, one of the Hydra's heads suddenly darted to the side, grabbing one of the students. Its sharp teeth pierced his neck, and the first blood flowed. Albin, with a professional move, stepped out of the attack line and, with a sharp swing of his blade, slashed the Hydra's belly. Blood gushed from the wound. Albin was lucky that it wasn't a dirty Hydra, otherwise he would have simply received a powerful acid burn. And that would have been the end of our story. But as we already mentioned, he was lucky, although what kind of luck can we talk about here?... At that moment, the Hydra grabbed another of the students by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, threw him onto the poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout met his end. The Hydra of Chaos truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around; everything was splattered with the blood of the slain scouts. But Albin was not afraid and did not retreat. He attacked the Hydra again, and in return received a powerful blow from its tail, which knocked him off his feet. Albin's sword flew aside, his ribs ached... The Hydra's predatory head darted towards Albin. Without hesitation, he drew his knife... The Hydra's head loomed over Albin, saliva dripped from its mouth onto him, and its razor-sharp fangs almost closed on his neck. Albin, with silent composure, plunged his knife into the Hydra's mouth. It snapped its fangs in tenfold fury, but missed. One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the Hydra in the heart. Feeling the approach of death, it began to regenerate. The scout, who had been glad for the victory, got too close to the Hydra, intending to finish it off with a knife. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; all 6 heads darted towards him, grabbing and tearing him apart in an instant. The rest, as if on command, drew their crossbows and fired. Not a single arrow missed; they all hit their target. The Hydra collapsed onto the stones, its heads trying to reach the elves, but it could not move. Another volley – and all the Hydra's heads fell lifelessly. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately the battle was over. They had won..
Added 2 minutes ago
The Hydra rushed towards them like a boulder thrown from high mountains. None of them felt fear. They all knew what they were getting into. Approaching to a distance of about 7 meters, one of the Hydra's heads suddenly darted to the side, grabbing one of the students. Its sharp teeth pierced his neck, and the first blood flowed. Albin, with a professional move, stepped out of the attack line and, with a sharp swing of his blade, slashed the Hydra's belly. Blood gushed from the wound. Albin was lucky that it wasn't a dirty Hydra, otherwise he would have simply received a powerful acid burn. And that would have been the end of our story. But as we already mentioned, he was lucky, although what kind of luck can we talk about here?... At that moment, the Hydra grabbed another of the students by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, threw him onto the poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout met his end. The Hydra of Chaos truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around; everything was splattered with the blood of the slain scouts. But Albin was not afraid and did not retreat. He attacked the Hydra again, and in return received a powerful blow from its tail, which knocked him off his feet. Albin's sword flew aside, his ribs ached... The Hydra's predatory head darted towards Albin. Without hesitation, he drew his knife... The Hydra's head loomed over Albin, saliva dripped from its mouth onto him, and its razor-sharp fangs almost closed on his neck. Albin, with silent composure, plunged his knife into the Hydra's mouth. It snapped its fangs in tenfold fury, but missed. One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the Hydra in the heart. Feeling the approach of death, it began to regenerate. The scout, who had been glad for the victory, got too close to the Hydra, intending to finish it off with a knife. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; all 6 heads darted towards him, grabbing and tearing him apart in an instant. The rest, as if on command, drew their crossbows and fired. Not a single arrow missed; they all hit their target. The Hydra collapsed onto the stones, its heads trying to reach the elves, but it could not move. Another volley – and all the Hydra's heads fell lifelessly. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately the battle was over. They had won..
Zeratul
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I'm a girl. That's one.
And can we skip the "colleague"? Just a nickname is enough. That's two.
The young elf, Albin, wiped the blood from his sword. Recently, at the School of the Invisible Hand, he was given a contract killing as a reward for being a gifted student. A certain woman was willing to pay up to a thousand coins for this task; the amount depended on how the assassination went. Now, next to the elf, whose eyes were as black and bottomless as Silanna's, lay under the shade of a tree a man – dressed quite decently. The last thing left to do was for Albin to wave his knife, and in his hand remained the man's finger with a ring. Proof that he was killed.
It would take several days to reach Glenger. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night in a tavern. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of fights, he went to the city, where he was expected. He needed to reach the underground passage that day, and then it would be easier.
On the way, Albin kept examining the ring. Although assassins are not supposed to know who the murdered person is and what the assassin's motives are, this elf was different. A stone was set in the platinum ring. It was red, so bright that Albin's eyes ached at first. The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones. The young man hid the ring in his pocket and continued on his way...
***
Regarding the words highlighted in red:
I suggest alternative wording:
Dazzling red, dazzling purple, rich crimson... or other options... Just "red" is too simple. IMHO.
Regarding the demonic glyphs... Does Albin often see demonic writings? Maybe write:
The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, unlike any known to the young elf...
I'm inclined to think that since the elf is young, he couldn't have known about demonic writings yet. If he studied them at school, then it should be mentioned. Then it could be:
The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones, which were once mentioned at school.
.
Now, regarding the draft.
I've highlighted in red the places that don't sound quite right.
"They gave him a contract killing" - Colleague is using the realities of today. We are describing the Middle Ages. If we are going to use today's vocabulary, then it would be more correct to say "a contract for murder," otherwise it sounds like murder is a thing that can be given.
"Now, next to the elf... lay under..." It turns out that the murderer was lying next to his victim. Readers might have incorrect associations about such a ritual. I think it would be better to say: "Under the feet of the young elf... lay next to..." - this usually indicates a vertical position in this case of the elf.
Regarding the runes - I agree with Simas, but in general, schools initially teach literacy (I'm saying this as a teacher), so the elf might not have known, but could associatively guess about the origin of the runes.
But that's just a side note.
Colleagues, I'll take on the task of developing the human race.
Zeratul
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I'm a girl. That's one.
And can we skip the "colleague"? Just a nickname is enough. That's two.
The young elf, Albin, wiped the blood from his sword. Recently, at the School of the Invisible Hand, he was given a contract killing as a reward for being a gifted student. A certain woman was willing to pay up to a thousand coins for this task; the amount depended on how the assassination went. Now, next to the elf, whose eyes were as black and bottomless as Silanna's, lay under the shade of a tree a man – dressed quite decently. The last thing left to do was for Albin to wave his knife, and in his hand remained the man's finger with a ring. Proof that he was killed.
It would take several days to reach Glenger. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night in a tavern. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of fights, he went to the city, where he was expected. He needed to reach the underground passage that day, and then it would be easier.
On the way, Albin kept examining the ring. Although assassins are not supposed to know who the murdered person is and what the assassin's motives are, this elf was different. A stone was set in the platinum ring. It was red, so bright that Albin's eyes ached at first. The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones. The young man hid the ring in his pocket and continued on his way...
***
Regarding the words highlighted in red:
I suggest alternative wording:
Dazzling red, dazzling purple, rich crimson... or other options... Just "red" is too simple. IMHO.
Regarding the demonic glyphs... Does Albin often see demonic writings? Maybe write:
The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, unlike any known to the young elf...
I'm inclined to think that since the elf is young, he couldn't have known about demonic writings yet. If he studied them at school, then it should be mentioned. Then it could be:
The whole thing was covered with runes and very strange ornaments, resembling demonic ones, which were once mentioned at school.
.
Now, regarding the draft.
I've highlighted in red the places that don't sound quite right.
"They gave him a contract killing" - Colleague is using the realities of today. We are describing the Middle Ages. If we are going to use today's vocabulary, then it would be more correct to say "a contract for murder," otherwise it sounds like murder is a thing that can be given.
"Now, next to the elf... lay under..." It turns out that the murderer was lying next to his victim. Readers might have incorrect associations about such a ritual. I think it would be better to say: "Under the feet of the young elf... lay next to..." - this usually indicates a vertical position in this case of the elf.
Regarding the runes - I agree with Simas, but in general, schools initially teach literacy (I'm saying this as a teacher), so the elf might not have known, but could associatively guess about the origin of the runes.
But that's just a side note.
Colleagues, I'll take on the task of developing the human race.
DinHot
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I created a thread where the book itself will be located!
/topic/at/146016/
A separate request to Zeratul:
1. Please provide the asset number or upload it if you don't have it.
2. Please write a preface, if possible.
Added 50 minutes ago
I edited the text of Dragon Malas and am posting it here for further refinement by the censor. I highlighted in bold what I added.
The students entered the arena. The gate closed behind them. It was dark, but they could all clearly see many eyes; something terrible was about to happen. Torches were lit, and everyone saw the hydra, but before they could react, strong chains broke, andthe hydra rushed towards them like a boulder rolling down a mountain.None of them felt fear. They all knew what they were getting into. As it approached, one of the hydra's heads darted out, grabbing one of the students. Its powerful jaws simply crushed all his bones, and the lifeless body fell to the ground. Albyn was thrown aside. Blood gushed from the wound. He was lucky that none of the heads noticed him; otherwise, he would have suffered the same fate as the first. And that is where our story might have ended. In that moment, the hydra grabbed another student by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, threw him onto poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout met his end. The hydra truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned around; everything was splattered with the blood of the slain. Albyn attacked the hydra again and received a powerful blow from its tail, which knocked him off his feet. His body was wounded; he felt himself weakening, but if he survived now, he would survive later.
A predatory head darted towards Albyn. Without hesitation, he drew his crossbow, and a bolt pierced the skull through and through. One of the heads hung like dead weight.
Another head lunged at Albyn, but it also hung there, pierced by several bolts. One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the hydra in the heart. Sensing impending death, it began to regenerate. One scout decided to cut off its head and ran up close to it. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; all six heads turned towards him, grabbing and tearing him apart in an instant. But the crossbows were already reloaded. No arrow missed; they all hit their target precisely.All the heads of the hydra roared in pain. At that moment, Albyn was standing behind it. He jumped onto its back and thrust his sword into its spine, constantly pushing it deeper into the flesh. The hydra collapsed on the stones; its heads tried to reach the elves, but it could not move. Another volley – and all the heads of the hydra fell limply. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately, the battle was over. They had won
A predatory head darted towards Albyn. Without hesitation, he drew his crossbow, and a bolt pierced the skull through and through. One of the heads hung like dead weight.
Another head lunged at Albyn, but it also hung there, pierced by several bolts. One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the hydra in the heart. Sensing impending death, it began to regenerate. One scout decided to cut off its head and ran up close to it. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; all six heads turned towards him, grabbing and tearing him apart in an instant. But the crossbows were already reloaded. No arrow missed; they all hit their target precisely.All the heads of the hydra roared in pain. At that moment, Albyn was standing behind it. He jumped onto its back and thrust his sword into its spine, constantly pushing it deeper into the flesh. The hydra collapsed on the stones; its heads tried to reach the elves, but it could not move. Another volley – and all the heads of the hydra fell limply. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately, the battle was over. They had won
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".
Zeratul
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I created a topic where the book itself will be located!
/topic/at/146016/
A separate request to Zeratul:
1. Please provide the ICQ number or upload it if you don't have one.
2. Please write a preface if possible.
[/I]
A separate request to all colleagues - do not focus only on the Dark faction. We haven't covered other races at all. Although my intention is to focus on ALL races, we haven't said anything about Elves, Undead, Demons, etc. Moreover, writing about Demons will be the most difficult.
Machete
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If there are no objections, I can write about the demons. Give me two or three main plot points, preferably with some distance between them (what to start with, what to aim for). This won't be a problem for me.
I've got a hole in my pocket!
© Ринго Старр
© Ринго Старр
DinHot
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Okay, it seems my topic was misunderstood. I wrote that the actual book would be published there, chapter by chapter, and all the initial drafts would be posted here. Then, the properly formatted and edited book would be published there. So, I kindly request that you post those texts here and delete the messages if needed. I can create a separate topic where you can post and edit these excerpts if you want, although I think we can do it here.
P.S. Please evaluate the revised excerpt of the Malassa dragon, and I will post it in that topic.
P.S.S. Zeratul, you can download QIP here: http://qip.ru/, and ICQ 6 here: http://icq.rambler.ru/
P.S. Please evaluate the revised excerpt of the Malassa dragon, and I will post it in that topic.
P.S.S. Zeratul, you can download QIP here: http://qip.ru/, and ICQ 6 here: http://icq.rambler.ru/
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".
Simsa
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Right. Regarding the topic of where the book should be, I'm not paying attention to that for now... the editing process is still ongoing...
Basically, I tried to piece everything together, taking some comments into account and editing it. Please review it. If something is in the wrong order or you don't like my additions – my apologies. It's just that there was one battle text and then a second pieced-together one... And your compilations have holes and inconsistencies. Honestly, I got confused about what goes where and how, what can and should be written in, and what to leave out. Combine, add... in short, I tried to account for the additions and assemble them into a whole. I edited the battle text. Extensively.
...And there was darkness. And time stopped. There was neither good nor evil, only that from which they were to be restored. And as the darkness began to thicken, a spark ignited in this cradle of life... A spark like the last star before dawn, losing, but fighting to the end. And the Gloom was defeated.
It burned with its gentle, pale flame. Slumbering... It still has a role to play. Later, much later than its birth...
...Much time passed, though how to say, since time is stopped. But the warmth and light from this spark created that which should change all of this...
Chapter One
The young elf Albin wiped blood from his sword. Recently at the school of the Invisible Hand, as a gifted student, he had been given an assassination contract for a decent reward. A certain woman was ready to pay up to 1000 coins for this task; depending on how the killing went. Now, beneath the shadow of a tree lay a man—reasonably well-dressed—at the feet of the elf, whose eyes were as black and bottomless as Silanna's. The last thing left to do – Albin flicked his knife, and in his hand remained a finger with this man's ring. Proof that he was killed.
Glenger is several days' journey away. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night at an inn. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of brawls, the youth went into the city where he was expected. He needed to reach the passage underground within the day, and it would be easier from there.
On the way, Albin kept examining the signet ring. Although assassins are not supposed to know who the killed person is or what the employer's motives are, this elf was not like that. A stone was set in the platinum ring. It was so dazzlingly scarlet that it made Albin's eyes ache from the unfamiliarity. The whole thing was etched with runes and very strange ornaments, possibly demonic. The youth tucked the ring into his pocket and continued on his way...
***
Two figures in austere robes leaned over the body.
- Do you think it was a contract?
- Most likely. This poor soul didn't even have time to be afraid. – The man closed the deceased's eyes – Rest in peace, brother Antifiy. Then he opened a book and read a prayer, while the second prepared the slain for burial on a pyre. Now the pyre was built. The men dragged the body over and set it alight, offering prayers to the gods. Then, having crossed themselves, they walked away.
***
In all cities, even in small settlements of dark elves, there are always entrances to dungeons through which they constantly maintain contact with one another. This is how dark elves transport troops and trade caravans, very rarely using the roads located on the surface. But even in their own dungeons, they are not sole rulers! Dwarves are arrogant and greedy creatures in the eyes of dark elves. "Do they believe that because they were the sole rulers of the dungeons for several centuries, it will continue forever?! Far from it," most dark elves think. This is precisely why the enmity between dark elves and dwarves is much stronger than with their forest brothers! And constant skirmishes in the dungeons with dwarves have become a common occurrence for dark elves.
So then. In one of the dungeons located on the school's territory, the exam was to take place.
Albin and the others were led into the dungeon. Despite the years spent at the school, this was the first time they had been allowed into the dungeon. Therefore, the elves looked around with interest. There was a mesmerizing beauty all around: hanging from the jagged ceiling of the cave, stalactites shimmered in every shade of purple – from pale lilac to practically black, so saturated the purple color became. All this hypnotized the imagination and frightened with the unknown. A secret presence of danger could be felt, sending a chill down Albin's spine. It seemed others felt something similar...
- Follow me! – a voice rang out from the darkness.
Everyone followed a strange figure who had a small hump and was clad in a tattered hooded cloak. The entire cavalcade gradually moved toward the Gladiators' Arena, where the exam was to be held...
None of them were sure they would survive; none of them were sure if they would have to fight a chaos hydra. Not knowing one's opponent in advance is one of the main conditions of the exam. Young graduates must be ready for anything, for battle with any opponent. At any time. And always. (There was an instance where one of the teachers warned his students about their upcoming trial. But soon this teacher was found killed in his own bed, and upon his students, who had already managed to develop a battle plan against the hydra, one of the captured rakshasas was unleashed, who slaughtered every single one.) None of them would have ever been cowards or run away...
The closer they got to the arena, the darker it became around them. There were no more sparkling crystal-stalactites here. Their guide pointed forward, and the students entered the arena. Its walls were studded with poisoned spikes; scraps of chains lay scattered here and there... And behind the elves' backs, a grate closed with a clang...
Each of the young elves had either a sword, or a pike, or some other weapon depending on the personal preferences of its owner. Additionally, each had a crossbow and a knife. The knife deserves special attention. Dark elf knives were perfectly balanced and sharpened. They could be thrown from any position – they would stick in regardless...
May the Mother of Shadows help you! – the old man in the cloak proclaimed loudly.
The opposite gates of the arena swung open, which could be told by the sound, and at first, the elves saw only a multitude of eyes. The clink of chains and a terrifying roar were heard – as the as-yet indistinguishable beast caught their scent... The lit torches had barely begun to flare up when the chains jingled piteously a second time and, gnashing its teeth, the chaos hydra rushed toward the young elves.
The hydra charged at them like a boulder cast from high mountains. None of them felt fear. Everyone knew what they were getting into. But the fury and speed with which the monster tore through the chains and launched its attack allowed it to strike before the elves could fully concentrate. Too fast and too close to have time to use crossbows...
Approaching, one of the hydra's heads lunged sharply to the side, grabbing one of the students. Its powerful jaws simply crushed the unfortunate man's bones, and the lifeless body fell to the ground.
With a professional dodge, Albin moved out of the attack line of another head and with a sharp swing of his blade pierced the hydra's belly. Blood gushed from the wound. The young elf was lucky that it wasn't a foul hydra, otherwise he would have simply received a powerful acid burn. Although what luck can one speak of here?... At that moment, the hydra grabbed another student by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, flung him onto the poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout found his end. The monster truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around: everything was splattered with the blood of the slain, body parts, fragments of their weapons...
But Albin did not fear and did not retreat. He attacked the hydra again, for which he received a powerful blow from the tail that knocked him off his feet. The youth's body was wounded, strength was leaving him, but if he could survive now, he would survive later. Taking advantage of the moment – as the hydra was fighting off the others – Albin loaded his crossbow and fired. The bolt pierced the skull through and through, and one of the heads hung like dead weight. Roaring with fury and pain, the hydra tried to grab the youth with another head, but that one met the fate of the first – pierced by several bolts from other students at once, it ceased to be a danger.
One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the hydra in the heart. Feeling death approaching, it began to regenerate. The scout, thinking he had won, stepped too close to the hydra, intending to finish it off with a knife. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; heads lunged toward him, grabbing and tearing the elf apart in the blink of an eye. But the crossbows were already reloaded. Not a single arrow missed. The monster roared in pain, and at that moment Albin appeared behind it. He jumped onto its back and plunged his sword in, continuously pushing it deeper into the flesh. The hydra collapsed onto the stones. Its heads still tried to reach the elves, but itself could not move from the spot. One more volley – and then all the heads fell lifelessly. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately, the battle was over. They had won...
I highlighted the exam text in italics - I assume these are like memories... an excursion into the recent past of this young assassin...
Another question: is Albin's appearance and character being thought over? So far, I only know that he has pitch-black eyes and a sword as his favorite weapon. What color is his skin? And hair? Is it straight and long? Does the elf wear it loose or tie it in a ponytail (braid it)? In what else does he show talent and diligence besides professional warrior skills? Aptitude for magic, love of art (sculpting clay figures as a hobby in his spare time)...
It would be very good if the authors of the dark elf line think about such things and plan to gradually show us a complete portrait of the hero... so as not to cram everything into one paragraph. Then I will wait for the continuation. The main thing is that this doesn't slip from view...
PS: by the way, for your notes... synonyms for the word (name) Albin:
He
Graduate
Youth
hero
our hero
elf
dark elf
young elf
young warrior,
assassin,
hired killer...
...can be supplemented.
This is just to say that you shouldn't repeat the name Albin so often. There should be variety – then the text will be interesting to read. If, of course, you want others to read your text.
Simas.
Basically, I tried to piece everything together, taking some comments into account and editing it. Please review it. If something is in the wrong order or you don't like my additions – my apologies. It's just that there was one battle text and then a second pieced-together one... And your compilations have holes and inconsistencies. Honestly, I got confused about what goes where and how, what can and should be written in, and what to leave out. Combine, add... in short, I tried to account for the additions and assemble them into a whole. I edited the battle text. Extensively.
...And there was darkness. And time stopped. There was neither good nor evil, only that from which they were to be restored. And as the darkness began to thicken, a spark ignited in this cradle of life... A spark like the last star before dawn, losing, but fighting to the end. And the Gloom was defeated.
It burned with its gentle, pale flame. Slumbering... It still has a role to play. Later, much later than its birth...
...Much time passed, though how to say, since time is stopped. But the warmth and light from this spark created that which should change all of this...
Chapter One
The young elf Albin wiped blood from his sword. Recently at the school of the Invisible Hand, as a gifted student, he had been given an assassination contract for a decent reward. A certain woman was ready to pay up to 1000 coins for this task; depending on how the killing went. Now, beneath the shadow of a tree lay a man—reasonably well-dressed—at the feet of the elf, whose eyes were as black and bottomless as Silanna's. The last thing left to do – Albin flicked his knife, and in his hand remained a finger with this man's ring. Proof that he was killed.
Glenger is several days' journey away. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night at an inn. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of brawls, the youth went into the city where he was expected. He needed to reach the passage underground within the day, and it would be easier from there.
On the way, Albin kept examining the signet ring. Although assassins are not supposed to know who the killed person is or what the employer's motives are, this elf was not like that. A stone was set in the platinum ring. It was so dazzlingly scarlet that it made Albin's eyes ache from the unfamiliarity. The whole thing was etched with runes and very strange ornaments, possibly demonic. The youth tucked the ring into his pocket and continued on his way...
***
Two figures in austere robes leaned over the body.
- Do you think it was a contract?
- Most likely. This poor soul didn't even have time to be afraid. – The man closed the deceased's eyes – Rest in peace, brother Antifiy. Then he opened a book and read a prayer, while the second prepared the slain for burial on a pyre. Now the pyre was built. The men dragged the body over and set it alight, offering prayers to the gods. Then, having crossed themselves, they walked away.
***
In all cities, even in small settlements of dark elves, there are always entrances to dungeons through which they constantly maintain contact with one another. This is how dark elves transport troops and trade caravans, very rarely using the roads located on the surface. But even in their own dungeons, they are not sole rulers! Dwarves are arrogant and greedy creatures in the eyes of dark elves. "Do they believe that because they were the sole rulers of the dungeons for several centuries, it will continue forever?! Far from it," most dark elves think. This is precisely why the enmity between dark elves and dwarves is much stronger than with their forest brothers! And constant skirmishes in the dungeons with dwarves have become a common occurrence for dark elves.
So then. In one of the dungeons located on the school's territory, the exam was to take place.
Albin and the others were led into the dungeon. Despite the years spent at the school, this was the first time they had been allowed into the dungeon. Therefore, the elves looked around with interest. There was a mesmerizing beauty all around: hanging from the jagged ceiling of the cave, stalactites shimmered in every shade of purple – from pale lilac to practically black, so saturated the purple color became. All this hypnotized the imagination and frightened with the unknown. A secret presence of danger could be felt, sending a chill down Albin's spine. It seemed others felt something similar...
- Follow me! – a voice rang out from the darkness.
Everyone followed a strange figure who had a small hump and was clad in a tattered hooded cloak. The entire cavalcade gradually moved toward the Gladiators' Arena, where the exam was to be held...
None of them were sure they would survive; none of them were sure if they would have to fight a chaos hydra. Not knowing one's opponent in advance is one of the main conditions of the exam. Young graduates must be ready for anything, for battle with any opponent. At any time. And always. (There was an instance where one of the teachers warned his students about their upcoming trial. But soon this teacher was found killed in his own bed, and upon his students, who had already managed to develop a battle plan against the hydra, one of the captured rakshasas was unleashed, who slaughtered every single one.) None of them would have ever been cowards or run away...
The closer they got to the arena, the darker it became around them. There were no more sparkling crystal-stalactites here. Their guide pointed forward, and the students entered the arena. Its walls were studded with poisoned spikes; scraps of chains lay scattered here and there... And behind the elves' backs, a grate closed with a clang...
Each of the young elves had either a sword, or a pike, or some other weapon depending on the personal preferences of its owner. Additionally, each had a crossbow and a knife. The knife deserves special attention. Dark elf knives were perfectly balanced and sharpened. They could be thrown from any position – they would stick in regardless...
May the Mother of Shadows help you! – the old man in the cloak proclaimed loudly.
The opposite gates of the arena swung open, which could be told by the sound, and at first, the elves saw only a multitude of eyes. The clink of chains and a terrifying roar were heard – as the as-yet indistinguishable beast caught their scent... The lit torches had barely begun to flare up when the chains jingled piteously a second time and, gnashing its teeth, the chaos hydra rushed toward the young elves.
The hydra charged at them like a boulder cast from high mountains. None of them felt fear. Everyone knew what they were getting into. But the fury and speed with which the monster tore through the chains and launched its attack allowed it to strike before the elves could fully concentrate. Too fast and too close to have time to use crossbows...
Approaching, one of the hydra's heads lunged sharply to the side, grabbing one of the students. Its powerful jaws simply crushed the unfortunate man's bones, and the lifeless body fell to the ground.
With a professional dodge, Albin moved out of the attack line of another head and with a sharp swing of his blade pierced the hydra's belly. Blood gushed from the wound. The young elf was lucky that it wasn't a foul hydra, otherwise he would have simply received a powerful acid burn. Although what luck can one speak of here?... At that moment, the hydra grabbed another student by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, flung him onto the poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout found his end. The monster truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around: everything was splattered with the blood of the slain, body parts, fragments of their weapons...
But Albin did not fear and did not retreat. He attacked the hydra again, for which he received a powerful blow from the tail that knocked him off his feet. The youth's body was wounded, strength was leaving him, but if he could survive now, he would survive later. Taking advantage of the moment – as the hydra was fighting off the others – Albin loaded his crossbow and fired. The bolt pierced the skull through and through, and one of the heads hung like dead weight. Roaring with fury and pain, the hydra tried to grab the youth with another head, but that one met the fate of the first – pierced by several bolts from other students at once, it ceased to be a danger.
One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the hydra in the heart. Feeling death approaching, it began to regenerate. The scout, thinking he had won, stepped too close to the hydra, intending to finish it off with a knife. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; heads lunged toward him, grabbing and tearing the elf apart in the blink of an eye. But the crossbows were already reloaded. Not a single arrow missed. The monster roared in pain, and at that moment Albin appeared behind it. He jumped onto its back and plunged his sword in, continuously pushing it deeper into the flesh. The hydra collapsed onto the stones. Its heads still tried to reach the elves, but itself could not move from the spot. One more volley – and then all the heads fell lifelessly. The dark elves stood tired and wounded, but fortunately, the battle was over. They had won...
I highlighted the exam text in italics - I assume these are like memories... an excursion into the recent past of this young assassin...
Another question: is Albin's appearance and character being thought over? So far, I only know that he has pitch-black eyes and a sword as his favorite weapon. What color is his skin? And hair? Is it straight and long? Does the elf wear it loose or tie it in a ponytail (braid it)? In what else does he show talent and diligence besides professional warrior skills? Aptitude for magic, love of art (sculpting clay figures as a hobby in his spare time)...
It would be very good if the authors of the dark elf line think about such things and plan to gradually show us a complete portrait of the hero... so as not to cram everything into one paragraph. Then I will wait for the continuation. The main thing is that this doesn't slip from view...
PS: by the way, for your notes... synonyms for the word (name) Albin:
He
Graduate
Youth
hero
our hero
elf
dark elf
young elf
young warrior,
assassin,
hired killer...
...can be supplemented.
This is just to say that you shouldn't repeat the name Albin so often. There should be variety – then the text will be interesting to read. If, of course, you want others to read your text.
Simas.
DinHot
Auto-translated
Thank you very much, Simas. I will definitely correct all the shortcomings in the book thread, except for the sentence where it says that Abin made a professional jump... He wasn't a professional yet at that time. And lastly, starting with the words Albina and the others were brought to the Dungeon. Despite...this is Albina's memory.Okay, I'm done, I'm going to continue editing and compiling the text.
And also:
1. Zeratul inserted your text, slightly adjusted it regarding clothing and gait.
2. TibWar didn't insert the text because it has the same essence as Dragon Malassa, but with different wording.
3. I placed the corrected text of Dragon Malassa in the book thread in the main post.
And also:
1. Zeratul inserted your text, slightly adjusted it regarding clothing and gait.
2. TibWar didn't insert the text because it has the same essence as Dragon Malassa, but with different wording.
3. I placed the corrected text of Dragon Malassa in the book thread in the main post.
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".
Simsa
Auto-translated
The students entered the arena. The gate slammed shut behind them. It was dark, but they could all clearly see many eyes, and something terrible was brewing. Torches were lit, and they all saw the hydra, but before they could react, strong chains were broken, and the hydra charged at them like a boulder rolling down a mountain. None of them felt fear. They all knew what they were getting into. As it approached, one of the hydra's heads darted forward, grabbing one of the students. Its powerful jaws simply crushed all the bones, and the lifeless body fell to the ground. Albin was thrown aside. Blood gushed from the wound. He was lucky that none of the heads noticed him, otherwise, he would have suffered the same fate as the first. And that would have been the end of our story. At that moment, the hydra grabbed another student by the leg and, sharply bending its neck, threw him onto the poisoned spikes protruding from the walls, where the young scout met his end. The hydra truly lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around; everything was splattered with the blood of the slain. Albin attacked the hydra again, and in return, received a powerful blow from its tail, which knocked him off his feet. His body was wounded; he felt himself weakening, but if he survived now, he would survive later.
A predatory head darted towards Albin. Without hesitation, he drew his crossbow, and a bolt pierced the skull through and through. One of the heads hung down, a dead weight.
Another head lunged at Albin, but it, too, was pierced by several bolts and hung limp. One of the scouts successfully threw his spear, hitting the hydra in the heart. Feeling death approaching, it began to regenerate. One scout decided to cut off its head and ran up to it. This was a mistake that cost the young graduate his life; all six heads darted towards him, grabbing and tearing him apart in an instant. But the crossbows were already reloaded. No arrow missed; they all hit their target. All the hydra's heads roared in pain. At that moment, Albin was already standing behind it. He jumped onto its back and plunged his sword into its back, constantly pushing it deeper into the flesh. The hydra collapsed onto the stones; its heads tried to reach the elves, but it could not move. Another volley – and all the hydra's heads fell limply. The dark elves stood, tired and wounded, but fortunately, the battle was over. They had won.
Are you talking about this post, right? I saw it. I took it into account... but guys, did you actually read your battle description? The hydra charges at the elves, and they just stand there and wait, right? They have crossbows – why don't they shoot? Are they all so cool that they only fight in close combat? I wrote about the stupor that allowed the hydra to attack first... That's point one.
...The wounded and weakened Albin draws his crossbow and shoots the hydra's head, which is rushing towards him. He was full of strength and standing on his feet at the beginning and didn't shoot... but then, bam, he shot so quickly and accurately... and even from a lying position, when the hydra was even closer than before... I wrote that he was able to shoot, taking advantage of the hydra's distraction with the others... That's point two.
...lived up to its name – chaos reigned all around: everything was splattered with the blood of the slain...
P.S. I'm tired of justifying myself, but if even after these explanations you say that you insist on your version, I will remove the additions and only edit punctuation and spelling... And what meaning and essence will be in your book, that will no longer be my concern. And I don't care at all...
I just wanted to help, but if you don't want to... well, okay!
Machete
Auto-translated
I'll add my contribution:
The last thing left to do – Albin waved his knife, and a finger with the man's ring remained in his hand. Proof that he was killed.
It's a few days' journey to Glenger. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night in a tavern. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of fights, the young man went to the city, where he was expected. He needed to reach the underground passage within the day, and then it would be easier.
On the way, Albin kept examining the ring...
***
Two figures in austere robes leaned over the body.
- Do you think this is a hit?
.................
Dear colleagues! If we are creating a literary work, this is normal. But if we are talking about a future script, the two figures should be leaning over the body before the hero has time to spend the night, continue on his journey, etc. Or did the two figures lean over the body the next day?
If this is a film, it is not necessary to refer to the main character by many names in the script; here, even an artistic style of writing is not necessary.
In general, I haven't fully understood what is being planned here.
The last thing left to do – Albin waved his knife, and a finger with the man's ring remained in his hand. Proof that he was killed.
It's a few days' journey to Glenger. Night had fallen, and our hero decided to spend the night in a tavern. In the morning, after breakfast and watching a couple of fights, the young man went to the city, where he was expected. He needed to reach the underground passage within the day, and then it would be easier.
On the way, Albin kept examining the ring...
***
Two figures in austere robes leaned over the body.
- Do you think this is a hit?
.................
Dear colleagues! If we are creating a literary work, this is normal. But if we are talking about a future script, the two figures should be leaning over the body before the hero has time to spend the night, continue on his journey, etc. Or did the two figures lean over the body the next day?
If this is a film, it is not necessary to refer to the main character by many names in the script; here, even an artistic style of writing is not necessary.
In general, I haven't fully understood what is being planned here.
I've got a hole in my pocket!
© Ринго Старр
© Ринго Старр