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I wrote a short story for the New Year!
In the town of Mystos, located on the border, there is a tavern called "Roasted Piglet." It was built by an old orc named Agadush, and it turned out to be a proper establishment: with drinking and brawling, a dark entrance, and secret rooms. In general, everything you would expect from a decent place. And by the fireplace, where Agadush turns a signature dish on a spit, his friends and acquaintances gather to warm themselves by the fire and tell fresh news and old tales...
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One day, Gorgy, a well-known figure – the chief port thief – came to the tavern. They discussed some matters with Agadush, and then Gorgy took a sip of cognac. It ran through his veins, spreading warmth in his chest, causing pleasant tingling sensations throughout his body. The thief perked up and said to his friends:
— I'll tell you about one of my students. His name was Ivor, and he wasn't a very good student: half-elf, half-thief. And he always wanted to get rich quickly. So, this Ivor learned that in our city, in the tower of an alchemist named Tan, there was a wonderful artifact: a golden hen. And Ivor wanted to get his hands on this item.
The student went on the job at night. And he saw: there was light in the tower. Ivor waited for the mage to fall asleep, but he didn't. The next night, he came again, and the third night, it was the same. Tan couldn't sleep; apparently, he brewed magical potions better at night.
— Does this mage never sleep at all? — asked one of his friends.
— And Ivor thought: "Surely the mage must sleep sometime?" — continued Gorgy. — And he decided to come during the day, as if he was looking for a potion of wisdom. But nothing happened during the day either. The alchemist himself was sleeping, and his gremlin was trading. And people kept coming to the tower to make purchases. Ivor was upset and didn't know what to do. Then he remembered that he had a teacher and came to me for advice.
— So, Master Gorgy, I want to steal the golden hen and gain glory for the thieves' guild.
And I replied:
— You're a fool, Ivor. Every thief in our city knows that you have to go to mages on the night of the full moon. Because on that day, the sorcerers go to the Dragon Cliffs to meet with witches. They have scientific gatherings and other debauchery there. And they take gremlins with them to carry the loot.
Ivor was delighted and wanted to give me a gold dubloon.
— No, — I said, — your pointy head. You'll thank me later, when you return from the job.
Ivor waited for the full moon and climbed into the tower. He did everything according to the plan: he sprinkled obsidian crumbs under the guard gargoyles, closed the ethereal channels of the golems, and deactivated the fire and acid traps. And then he entered the room where the golden hen was kept. What a beautiful hen, neat and emitting such a pleasant golden light that illuminated the room.
Ivor was just about to put the hen in a bag when suddenly something rattled and rumbled throughout the house. Ivor looked around and froze: a monster burst into the room. It was round, in a white shroud, with arms and legs sticking out, all in some kind of metal, and its face was terrible to look at: a solid bloody stain. Ivor was so scared that he almost soiled himself, and the monster said in a human voice:
— Who are you and why did you come here at night?
The thief trembled, feeling that his tongue wouldn't obey him. He barely stammered:
— I'm an elf, half-Ivor. Please don't eat me...
And the monster became even angrier:
— You fool, Half-Ivor! You should come during the day, like all normal elves. I got into my dad's mechanical trap because of you. My favorite one. My father will return and scold me.
Then my student began to think.
— So, are you the alchemist's daughter? Nice to meet you. Is the master Tan not at home? I have business with him.
— No, — replied the daughter, — my father went to the Dragon Cliffs. He'll be back tomorrow.
— I see, well, then I'll be going. Sorry for the inconvenience, I'll come another day.
Ivor wanted to slip past the monster, but then the mage's daughter put two fingers in her mouth and whistled. A sound wave threw the thief, and he slammed into a cabinet with magical dishes. And the daughter stepped closer, put her fingers in her mouth again, and asked:
— Well, answer me, Half-Ivor, why did you break into our house?! Confess, did you want to steal our golden hen?!
Ivor lay in the wreckage of the cabinet, covered in magical shards, thinking: "No, it's not that easy to get out of here." There was nothing else to do but confess.
— Well, I'm an orphan with living parents, rejected by my elven and human families, forced to earn a meager living with thievery. I came to the mage's tower a few days ago to buy something. And while the gremlin was weighing the goods for me, I saw a girl of unparalleled beauty. She only flashed in the corridor for a moment, and I fell in love at first sight. I don't sleep during the day, I don't eat at night, I just think about how to see her. I wandered around for several days and decided to climb into the tower to find out who she was.
— What nonsense! — exclaimed the alchemist's daughter. — There are no girls here except me.
— But I'm talking about you, my joy! — Ivor finally got out of the remains of the cabinet. — I beg you, tell me your name, I will remember it in my prayers.
— Iona, — replied the girl, embarrassed, — but I don't believe that you are in love. No suitors have ever chased after me.
Then Ivor fell on his knees before Iona and began to recite poems. He recited for a long time, both simple ones and in Quenya. Iona's heart melted, and she allowed the thief to get up from the floor. Ivor helped her get out of the mechanical trap, and they sat down and cooed like doves.
— Well, — Gorgy said with a smile, — a month later, Ivor came to me to thank me for the advice. He brought a dozen golden eggs and told me how it all ended.
Everything would have been fine if Ivor had been able to charm the alchemist's daughter and escape. But the mage Tan arrived before dawn, angry, with half his beard torn off, and the gremlin had a black eye. Apparently, the scientific dispute with the witches was very heated. And Ivor would have been turned into a coat rack for magical hats, but Iona threw herself at her father's feet. She told him that they loved each other and begged him to forgive the thief. Tan was happy for his daughter and set a wedding date, and he turned Ivor into a statue for a while so that he wouldn't run away. So now he's a big shot, the mage's son-in-law.
When the company finished laughing, one of his friends asked:
— What about your student? Does he fulfill his marital duties?
— He does, what else can he do? And Iona whistles, and he immediately runs to fulfill them. — Gorgy winked. — And the girl turned out to be not bad, Ivor managed to feel her up when he was pulling her out of the trap. Everything is round.
— What about her face?
— What about her face? In our city, many ladies smear their faces with beets or other vegetables at night. They say it's good for the skin and keeps away evil spirits.