Posts from Humor in Heroes of Might and Magic V.

Post some screenshots, I haven't seen anything like that.

...Recently, while browsing the vast expanse of Google, I stumbled upon a funny poem. Check it out...

"Dedicated to all living beings"

OVERQUOTING

...

The Crow uses "Seduction" on the fox. The fox casts "Distraction" on the crow. The fox hero receives the enemy artifact "cheese".

:D :D :D

Godric, Zehir, and Faydaen are finishing off Markel's army. As far as the eye can see, everything is burned and ruined, corpses piled high, nothing living in sight. Finally, having slaughtered the last of the undead with the remnants of their troop, they approach Markel:
-That's it, necromancer! Last wish!
-Let me sing one last song...
-Sing?! Fine, go ahead.
-(slowly, in a low voice) Rise up, great country...

:D :D :D

From the diary of a recruit who played Heroes of Might and Magic V:
"In the army I became a 'spirit'; very soon I realized that the sergeant is a vampire, a high one at that, always appearing as if from nowhere; our warrant officer is an archlich—plague starts from the food in his warehouse, and slowing and debility from the uniforms; the lieutenant is a true undead, having killed everyone with night alarms and forced marches; the major is essentially a harbinger of death, or even a banshee (that's how he screams!); the colonel is a dragon, who has exhausted everyone with draconian rules, and an astral dragon at that, whom few have seen; as for our general, he is likely a Necromancer hero who commands all these people, probably considering them zombies...".

:D :D :D

Eight incarnations of Asha:

Sad Asha – the main source of prosperity in Ashan. Looking at the gargoyles and the clunky models of her children, she cries big golden boxes.

Tired Asha – looks with detached indifference at hundreds of thousands of living creatures dying for reasons unknown. She abandoned raising her children, and they are constantly trying to fight each other. She doesn't respond to requests via prayers, phones, mail, or SMS. She constantly throws up her hands and says "what does this have to do with me?".

Cheerful Asha – penetrates scientific centers of academics who are heatedly discussing atheism and the presence of a creator-god in every person, and taking the form of Sar-Ellam, she tells them "BOO!". Why not? Everyone wants to have fun!

Kind Asha – depending on the degree of kindness, gives from 3 to 7 days of complete absence of military conflicts. Sometimes creates one rare week of alliance in a game.

Evil Asha – (the same one who "turns for good" the sacrifices of young innocent girls) comes to Shio on dark nights and dreams up various nasties together with her brother Urgash. She also creates a week of plague/disease/fever at the exact moment you decided temporarily not to buy growth in favor of a necessary building.

Smart Asha – works as the first secretary to Nival's CEO.

Stupid Asha – is responsible for the AI in Heroes. In moments of "inspiration," she dreams up characters like Isabelle.

Impulsive Asha – constantly switches from one incarnation to another using a random number algorithm. Responsible for all the nonsense happening in Ashan.

:D :D :D

During battle, Arantir notices something unusual in the grass near him. He dismounts his horse to take a closer look, slips on the wet grass from lack of practice, and falls face-first right into a cow pat. At that same second, a war griffin flies over him with an annoyed screech. Arantir, thoughtfully wiping his face: "Asha turns everything for good..."

:D :D :D

Heroic Chronicles:

Crime:
An underground organization has been uncovered that was engaged in grave robbing and stealing skulls, which after special processing were sold as artifacts, such as the "Skull of Markel." Regarding this, Zehir, the Archmage of Silvercity, said the following: "The so-called Skull of Markel is a fake, since the mentioned Necromancer was destroyed with my direct participation and turned into an axe, which axe currently resides in a secure location...".

Local News:
Dwarves have set out on a campaign to deliver preemptive strikes against Igg-Shail. The current ruler, Tolgar, gave a long speech regarding the decline of morale in the army before departing, after which he announced his direct participation in combat operations and called upon the warriors to turn black dragons into armor. It is likely that the king was prompted to lead the army by his low rating, repeatedly noted by knowledgeable dwarves.

In Igg-Shail, in the midst of a civil war, chief Tralsai decided to give a gift to their demon allies and have minotaurs build a new Inferno city. It is unknown who designed the Sacrifice Pit, but now all the demons of the new city dream of catching Tralsai in a distant alley, far from his legions of furies and crowds of minotaurs.

The Unknown:
Mages of Al-Saphir city claim unanimously that on moonless nights, the ghost of Markel comes to the tomb of Archmage Cyrus and starts drumming a funeral march until morning. Information is being verified.
Field Reports:
The Dwarven Plasma Dragon turned out not to be so dangerous. Mages reread a physics textbook, and now, as soon as you surround the dragon with Magnetic Golems from three sides, the unit immediately loses its will to resist and stops moving.

On Science:
Dark elves, under the motto "Now you'll know the wrath of Malassa," have set about breeding Infrared dragons and "Black Hole" dragons.

We are monitoring developments.

:D :D :D

We all know that, for example, Haven can use various spells if it wishes. But not everyone knows how a non-magical race does this.
1) Meteor Shower - the effect of a meteor shower is achieved by hiring a unit of drunk dwarves with catapults, stones, and kerosene.
The effect of an enemy hero's ability to redirect a spell is achieved by hiring very drunk dwarves.
2) Earth Shock - the effect of the spell is achieved by hiring one dwarf who digs a tunnel underground to the enemy unit and plants explosives there (as well as fireworks for beautiful animation). The earth is indeed in shock.
3) Chain Lightning - the effect of the spell is achieved by wrapping units in bare wire and plugging them into an outlet.
4) Resurrection - the effect of the spell is achieved by kicking the unit and screaming "Get up, you beast, why are you lying there!". Usually helps.
5) Distraction (makes creatures in the enemy stack forget what they are doing on the battlefield) - achieved by connecting the unit to the internet (side effects include muttering "yeah, yeah, five more minutes" and shouting "Is it my turn again?"). The end of the spell must be accompanied by disconnecting the unit from the World Wide Web.
6) Unholy Word - I think everyone present can guess how the effect of an unholy word is achieved.

:D :D :D

Heroic Omens (If the commander stepped out of the tent in the morning...):
1) In Brown boots - there will be no camp, today you'll have to travel about 25% more than usual.
2) In Green leather boots - you'll have to go through the thicket as fast as on a flat road.
3) In Magic Protection Boots - there is a small chance that after a meteor shower you won't have to put on white slippers.
4) With a Lion Collar - we will go into battle with a wide smile.
5) In a Turban of Enlightenment - before leaving their camp, we will stand in formation for several hours and learn the truth of life through the commander's instructive speech.

:D :D :D

You have played Heroes too long if:

1. You stand opposite your boss and desperately try to use "Lay on Hands" to remove the "Berserk" spell from him,
2. You are very surprised when you see genies with heads on TV,
3. You scratch your head when your wife asks you to bring a stool, and answer: "I can't take out the academics right now, I'll bring it in about two weeks",
4. It always seems to you that the "Blue Player" is already near your castle, and therefore you don't leave your apartment for days,
5. Coming to a lumber mill, you climb onto the roof of the sawmill and try to hoist a Red Flag,
6. You are surprised by words that the last Incas lived before our era, and start proving that over a hundred were taken out just yesterday,
7. You try to convince your friends that demons and imps are among us,
8. A friend suddenly says: "Nightmare!", and you start methodically waving your arms, trying to cast "Fireball",
9. Walking through the park, you avoid all trees: what if they entwine you with roots,
10. You constantly run from place to place, fearing a "Strike from the Heavens" when seeing birds in the sky,
11. You are surprised and offended if people laugh at you when you say you made yourself a "Brave Rabbit" Amulet,
12. You run all over the city looking for the "Rangers Guild" to enter policemen into your "Sworn Enemies" list,
13. You go to the library and say: "Give me Faydaen's small collection of poems",
14. In the evenings you sit and calculate how much Dark Energy you have left this week.

:D :D :D

Nival held a presentation for the second addon. Press, crowds of fans, Nival representatives demonstrating new features. At the end: "And now - the main surprise. A new race!" A map appears on the screen; in the center of the map stands a beautiful multicolored dollhouse. Everything glitters and sparkles, colored ribbons flutter on the towers. A gentle chime of bells sounds, ornate gates swing open, and a small white pegasus with a curly mane flies out. Sitting on the pegasus's back is Barbie in a satin dress and golden crown, gracefully waving a magic wand held in her right hand, sending air kisses with her left. A melting trail of pink hearts remains behind the pegasus.
Fans: - ... What the ...?!!!
Nival: - Well, for goodness sake... You can't please you people! You were the ones screaming: "Give us barbs in the addon!" There, take them.

:D :D :D

Heroes are walking through a city. Tired of walking, they decided to ride. They stop a passerby:
-Could you tell us where the inn with stables is? - asked the Knight and Necromancer.
- And the zoo? - asked the Elf and Mage.
- Or maybe you have a paleontology museum? - asked the Dark Elf and Dwarf.
- Bourgeois! You should walk - it's good for your health! (looking toward the necromancer) If there is any health left, of course... - said the Demon.

:D :D :D

Markel broke a portal into Russia and is storming Moscow with his army of the dead. S. Ivanov reports to Putin:
-Mr. President, Markel is breaking through toward Vagankovo Cemetery, current forces are insufficient...
-Let him break through! Who will he raise there - poets and musicians? Your task now: by any means, do not let him onto Red Square. If he reaches the Kremlin wall...

:D :D :D

Rakshasa asks a senior gremlin:
-How do you manage to repair golems from a distance?
-It's very simple! I point at it with my magic homemade gun and say: "Reparo!"

:D :D :D

Incomplete list of books from the library of Bahia city in Ashan.

Biara "Who to be? Problems of developing a multifaceted personality."

Kha-Beleh "Gating for cave demons. A practical guide."

Alastor "Mind Snatcher. Please write to me about what this book is about!"

Faydaen "Diamond Series. Volume 8. Poems. From the unpublished."

Elaiya "Bright sides of the Dark Ritual."

Vladimir "Who will be after me?"

Caspar "Pawns and Queens of the Necromancer army. The role of war machines in the opening."

Brand "Runes - tricks and tips, 1000 ways to use runes for free."

Karli "Spear throwing. Technique of a successful throw."

Hafiz "A Gremlin in your home. Maintenance, care, and training."

Godric "How I became the perfect knight. A story of ascent."

Ellaina "Taxation with love, or how to collect more taxes while remaining a favorite of the people."

:D :D :D

A tale of hero-fighters, fine fellows indeed
(may Filatov forgive me for the abundance of plagiarism).
Wulfsten
- Excuse me, brothers,
How much further must we roam?
Alright, I'm a bit dim,
But you seem to have some sense.
Why then do we engage in
This useless brawl?

Isabelle
- Frida, why are you silent
While your armor clanks?
How could you let the state's
Prestige fall so low?
What kind of birds are our people
If they cannot tell
Isabelle from a demoness?

Frida
- I acknowledge my guilt
Its measure, degree, and depth,
And right now I set off
To the current war.

Duncan
- How on earth, damn it,
Are we to understand this nonsense?
How much longer must we
Hack away at all these pests?

Isabelle
- Quiet your soulful moan
Endure one more addon.
We'll fix everything in the state -
Immediately arrange a couple of weddings.

Railag
Upon you, my soul,
I could gaze forever without breathing
But to become a spouse now
Is not in my same cards at all.
I will go to the East
There I'll buy you a shawl.
Don't be sad without me
Hack demons more often.

Elaiya
- Take a walk, refresh yourself,
Make friends with the bright world.
What kind of life is it without adventures?
It would be boredom, not a life.
Well, it's time for us to say goodbye
Mount your beasts
So that the pests are finished
Each rides toward their end.

Here ends the tale,
And when it begins again
There will be 8 races in the world.
Because from over the hill
The orcs are slowly crawling out.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I had a similar experience. I was walking with my main hero (but with a small army) past an enemy town with a hero and an army. I saw that his army was about 3 times larger. I thought I needed to get out of there quickly. The AI was in the castle. I took all his mines. The AI just sat there. I ran around his territory back and forth, collecting resources. It just sat there. I got tired of it and went to another part of the map. The AI just sat there and didn't even try to take back the mines. I wondered for a long time, is it embarrassing for him to take back what's his after someone else? :)