Posts from It’s a very long story… Auto-translated

in Gnomeria. Boris looked at the Human with disdain, although he himself once belonged to this race. Boris's companion whined all the way that he was tired and it would be nice to rest, sit down at the computer... But Gnomophil understood that the hounds of Megabot were on their trail, and therefore he repeatedly convinced the Human that their mission was extremely important. Boris understood that if they failed, a global disconnect would be inevitable. Therefore, they made their way through the impassable paths of the Moscow metro. Here, the defender of the gnomes found himself in his element... Even the microbes scattered from the place where Boris's foot was about to land. And everything could have turned out well if not for...

an oncoming commuter train. Even for heroes, a commuter train is a difficult challenge. And Boris and the Man would certainly have died if Yuri, whom the Man had pulled out of the games, hadn't come to their aid. Yuri, using his Megamind, took control of the train driver's brain and stopped the train, but he choked on the brains of the blondes sitting in the carriages. And the blondes, having jumped out of the stopped train...

...they started scratching our valiant heroes with their manicured nails, and realized that they couldn't reach them, so the evil blondes grabbed them and dragged them to the main blonde. She wanted to take bloody revenge on our heroes and was already preparing to condemn them to eternal torment in the world of glamour, but then...

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Chuck couldn't miss such a mess. Upon learning about the trouble, he fought his way to the very lair of the blondes. Along the way, he left behind screaming bodies, complaining that this manicure cost a fortune. Chuck searched for where the blondes might have hidden Boris and the Human. Tired of his fruitless search, Chuck caught a blonde and began to torture her. Sometimes, Norris himself was surprised by his own cruelty. Under inhumane torture with books by Dostoevsky and Turgenev, the blonde told Chuck that his friends were hidden in the most terrible place in the world, in the very heart of evil... in the television project "Dom-2"... And at that moment, Chuck felt uneasy, because even he was not capable of such cruelty. He had nothing left to do but....

...he set off to the place where Boris and the Man were imprisoned. The house was empty and frightening... Empty shutters banged, there was no light anywhere, and Chuck already thought he had gone to the wrong place, but terrible screams came from the basement. Chuck sighed, remembered Paris Hilton, and with a spear at the ready, went inside. A terrible sight appeared before him - he saw his friends chained to chairs, in front of them stood huge, flat televisions showing the most horrific episodes of this project, and around them, a swarm of its participants swirled. And although this wasn't his area of expertise, Chuck, with a terrifying roar, raised his spear, put on a hat, a badge, and waving his short beard, began to strike down the tormentors. And he freed his friends, and they thanked him, but then their gazes turned to him from behind, and they were filled with horror. Chuck turned around and saw before him the embodiment of his nightmares - Ksenia Sobchak. "Run, friends, I'll hold her back," he said and engaged her in battle. And...

...Then something great and terrible appeared. Something that scattered the hellish blondes and their leader, Sobchak. It was the fearsome and dreadful bum, Siphon, with years of experience. In his hand, he held holy water – vodka! With the holy vodka, he began to sprinkle the bodies of the unholy. Meanwhile, his friends sneaked up to the TVs and turned on Beavis and Butt-head, in order to finally finish off the blondes...

And then the Armageddon's Blade and the blade of the cold met... ugh, that's from Heroes 4))) And then a bottle of vodka and fake nails met, and they dissolved them, and then a bottle of vodka and hair dye met, and it washed them away, and then a bottle of vodka and foundation met, and it smeared them, and Sobchak went back to where she came from, to the women's room to powder her nose, and Siphon (a Druid of level 7 and a Warrior of level 2, Prestige Class Battle Priest of level 3, for those who don't understand, this is from Neverwinter Nights 2)) joined the Human's party...

...And SobchaG fled to the terrible fortress of pop, rap, R&B, and so on (no offense – I'm just a metalhead), and Siphon, Boris, and the Human realized that they couldn't handle such power. And then they summoned the holy host, the great army of rockers and metalheads, and Elvis Presley and Steve Harris were at their head. And they led this great army to the hellish fortress of pop...

...But Elvis was immediately kidnapped by aliens, so 0.5 McCartney took his place, and during that battle, he uttered his famous phrase: "Today, we'll shove their music right up their... well, you know!"
And the army surged forward; the fortress's defeat was obvious, so they unleashed their chained dogs, terrifying creatures that tore the metalheads' leather jackets, smashed the punks' vodka bottles, and ripped out their piercings. And then, a squad of humans burst into the fortress, and inside, a new surprise awaited them...

P.S.
I even know when this battle took place; it was this year, on February 10th, because on February 10th, Tokio Hotel broke up, and poor emo kids are committing suicide all over the world.

...And there they found Zhanna Risk, still without makeup, and the Unconquerable Forces of the rockers, terrified by this, retreated and besieged the enemy pop Fortress for many decades. SobchaG and her generals, Kirkorov and Ugacheva, stubbornly depleted the rockers with their synthesized music and lyrics full of clichés. And the rockers' equipment was no better than pop music. The rockers held out on the songs of Vitya Oya, but they couldn't take the Fortress. And when they were almost out of strength, the Greatest Heroes of modern chronicles appeared! Kipolov, Shevchuk, Butusov, Shakhrin, and many others came. Even the old Arch-Rocker Grebenshchikov was carried in on the hands of the Grimm Brothers! And the rocker army was revitalized, and they sang "A Star Called the Sun" with all their might, and the walls of the Hellish Fortress fell, and its warriors were filled with the brotherhood of ROCK and embarked on the righteous path. But the pop kingdom was not wiped from the face of the earth; SobchaG and her generals fled. And they found new, young warriors at the Ezda factory, and Maksik Fadeevichus wrote lyrics for them. Looking at the mountains of fallen Presley brothers from space, he looked at the new Kingdom and realized that this war would be eternal. And from the new kingdom, they already sent a professional hired killer, Timur Milan, disguised as a young punk, to the St. Petersburg rock club! Timur didn't want a mohawk at first, but a thousand bucks worked wonders... (Please don't take offense, no personal attacks, everyone writes what's on their mind.)

Cheria, if only we could, for the sake of Tsoi and Zvezda, increase the Battle Rating 100 times... And Tim Milan would defeat all the leaders of Rock and Metal. And the forces of light retreated. The infernal army, led by Timati, went on the offensive. The Rock army retreated. But they found a sacred book called "CAPITAL," and they went to the great temple of the MAUSOLEUM, and they summoned the sacred leader Lenin. And Lenin said to them: "Comrades! No, as Gogoy says, it cannot be stopped! Attack, comrades!" And the rockers and metalheads went on the attack to the music of Queen - We Will Rock You. Nothing could stop the infernal metalheads in armored leather jackets with titanium guitars at the ready, along with the infernal rockers on motorcycle APCs. It was a terrible sight. Sobchak, Kirkorov, Pugacheva, Timati, and Friske were tortured by Rammstein until their brains exploded (this is fiction! In reality, brains do not exist...). Metal defeated Pop. However, MegaBot remains... P.S. - Damn, I've been drinking beer for 4 days now. I thought it was without a reason, but no - there is a reason! P.P.S. - We are writing a gamer-metalhead Bible here)))

And the battle-weary rockers called upon gamers for help. And the cry went out across the internet. And the gamers heard the cry. And they rose from their computers with bloodshot eyes. Fans of Ragnarok, Lineage, WoW, Ultima, and RF tore themselves away from their guilds; lovers of Heroes, Disciples, and Age of Wonders paused their turn-based battles; players of CS, Quake, and Unreal emerged from the midst of tournaments; all knew that the day of the Great Battle had come, and the evil army, interrupted in its game, rose up and challenged MegaBot...

And they dug up a disc with StarCraft, Diablo, and Mario. They started entering cheats that caused the game to freeze for a few moments. They completely overwhelmed MegaBot. Each cheater had 3 GodMode, Invisible, infinite_ammo, and 100,000,000 Gold. MegaBot got scared...

And Megabot summoned three Electrorknights – Bug, Glitch, and Error. Bug was tasked with taking away the benefits that gamers received through cheats, Glitch was supposed to lead gamers astray from the righteous path, and Error was to hinder all their endeavors and make their victories Pyrrhic! And Megabot rejoiced greatly and said, "Neither cheats nor prayers will defeat me!" But the gamers found ancient power, a blessed floppy disk with Wolfenstein I, and...
(Is it okay that I intervened?)

...Once the installation was complete, divine inspiration descended upon them, and their desire to play grew, and MEgabot was in turmoil, and he unleashed upon all the gamers...