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- No, it's not about that,” Ayano said, her shoulders relaxing slightly after a moment of nervousness. “Are you trying to drag it out? Are you pretending you don't understand? You know what I'm talking about; you're aware of my vows. In my homeland, such a path is closed to someone like me, as is marriage itself. It is believed that something like this violates our contract with the Kami-sama, devaluing – or “dishonoring,” if you will – our spiritual connection with them in favor of something mundane and worldly. And after that, such a woman can no longer be considered a miko,” she added after a moment of thought. “Although, now that I think about it, I've never personally seen such sisters. I can't even say at what level this prohibition exists – on a spiritual plane, or ‘just’ as a tradition. But any centuries-old tradition doesn't arise out of nowhere and is fully justified by the history of the people and the divine law to which they are subject, which is why I say ‘just’ in such an emphatic tone. This cannot be ignored.
Irritatedly dismissing the harsh circumstances that force her to think through and articulate such things, she continues:
“Right now, I'm not in my homeland, that's true. From a purely pragmatic point of view, ‘perhaps the divine law is arranged differently here,’ and besides, ‘no one sees me and no one will say anything to me,’ and I uphold our values as I know and understand them, which means I can give them a convenient mental-gymnastics form if necessary. But I don't accept this level of thinking; it's a perversion, a desecration of the memory of all your ancestors, and besides, it's tasteless. To judge spiritual and cultural things in a simplistic, literal way is heresy, in the expressive sense of the word, although not only in that sense. Nevertheless, from that moment in Mitten... I understand that different circumstances may require adaptation; life can exist in different forms, as can duty or worldview, and stubborn rigidity of mind is not a synonym for resilience. Therefore... since then, I have gradually tried, to the best of my ability, to introduce such concepts into my life. Yes, it may not be very fast, and from the outside, it may even look silly or simply absurd and meaningless to someone like you or our fellow citizens. But don't think that this is some kind of ‘burden’ of mine, or that I am a ‘prisoner’ of my calling or traditions; that's not the case. All of this resonates with me. And yet, I'm trying; as I think, for someone like me, it's quite ‘successful’ – which sounds funny, because in my homeland, it would have been a ‘failure.’ ...However, something like this... - a disapproving finger pointed at the sign. - This is already simply arrogance, a blow to the head. It's like asking a preschooler who has just learned to count on an abacus what securities he plans to invest in and what return he expects. ... ... ...although you might not understand me; you don't have such things. Anyway! - she angrily stomped her foot because, at the whim of some unknown old woman, she had to justify herself for something unclear and reveal the entire history of her life from dinosaurs and yekas to the present moment, creating, perhaps, with that gesture, a real image of a spoiled princess in the mind of some outside observer for a moment. - This is an unfair question for me, that's what I'm saying! And you understand that; you could have explained it without me having to! - she sighed, shook her head, and then even snorted at the absurdity of the situation, and finally said. - ...I suppose, if we close our eyes to any moral preparation for just a second and hold the point of a katana to our throat, then in my situation, there will be no difference whether it's 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4+?... Ma ikka,” she waved her hand in the direction of the arrogant organizer, took a few steps in the earth-kite direction, then stopped and lowered her gaze to the floor. - I'm sorry for raising my voice and not thinking about your feelings. Such a long tirade, and it was all about myself, about my distant, fantastical ideas, which, from your point of view, may not have existed at all. ‘High maintenance onna,’ as they said in the buffer-territorial jargon between our countries...
‘You've found a problem for yourself. Did you want trouble?’ - Ayano felt ashamed of herself.
- But this... - she suddenly adds. - Don't blame yourself if such a thought comes to your mind. Even if we had never met, sooner or later, life would have put me in a similar, or some other, position where I would have had to put my ideals, traditions, and upbringing to a serious test. So, on the contrary, I'm quite lucky that I ‘got off so easily’ when this ‘test’ turned out to be a person with such a broad soul in its most radiant manifestation, and not something unworthy.