For a long time, I believed that there should be some kind of balance between good and evil in the world. Initially, I assumed this applied to a human life, then I concluded it applied to society as a whole, and then I suddenly realized that it is quite likely there is no balance in the world at all.
Take, for example, a seventh-grade student. On the way to school, a brick falls on his head and he dies. One might ask, where is the justice here? Did he deserve this? Had he lived such a happy life that he could afford to die young? Definitely not.
And then there is a prince of the Arab Emirates, born a billionaire and living his entire life in luxury and wealth, who later became a king. And now, at two hundred and ninety years old, he is still holding on thanks to the possibilities of modern medicine. How much hardship has he endured?
If you think this way, it turns out there is no balance here, and for every lucky, successful person, there are ten to twenty losers. When I came to this bleak conclusion, I must honestly admit it was a depressing discovery.
How can a person be the master of their own life if their entire existence depends on RNG, which most likely didn't roll in their favor? What is the point of trying to achieve anything if you'll end up in a swamp anyway, stuck in it for the remainder of your miserable existence? One can close their eyes to this for a long time, one can be an optimist or a "vatnik," sincerely rejoicing over every new bottle of moonshine, but the fact remains: ninety percent of the planet's population randomly ended up in the "shit group," from which they have practically no chance of climbing out.
It was naive to believe that these problems would bypass me and that I could peacefully study, work, start a family, and be at least like everyone else. But no damn way. I paid with my entire social life just for a tiny chance to become someone; how much shit did I have to wade through to realize that this might all have been for nothing? Why must I pay such a high price for the possibility of raising my standard of living by one percent? I see no balance here. I see injustice.
It's pleasant to realize that you live better than 30-40% of the world's population. But damn it, this difference is essentially insignificant and small when you consider your own flaws. I naively believed that I could start life with a clean slate in another country, that I could somehow change in a couple of years and achieve success—ha ha, what stupid naivety. Naturally, nothing of the sort happened.
Perhaps today isn't a very good day for such a foolish monologue. Today, once again, I received a nasty blow just a moment after feeling success. So to speak, the feeling of flight was replaced in a couple of hours by a final fall to the bottom of the abyss, where I remained alone with a bottle of cheap high-proof shit, narrating the sad story of my existence.
Yes, this is all stupid whining, and I'm disgusted by it myself. It's even revolting. After all, there are many people who have it worse than I do. What right do I have to complain about my own life? I've never criticized others, but I could always accurately assess myself. Perhaps "pitiful nonentity" are the perfect words to describe my state of mind over the last year. And no, I have a significant advantage over social-phobes: at least I don't need society and am less dependent on various dubious companies of acquaintances and IRL friends. For now. Also, I can quickly change my mood to an excited-cheerful one, although this doesn't extend to my internal state. But damn it, society is structured on such a funny principle that you can't just decide to ignore it. At the very least, you'll get contempt in return. And forcing yourself to smile every time at people whose very sight makes you nauseous is also something I don't want to do, and it becomes harder every time.
Today (or already yesterday), once again, I hurt someone close to me very badly. And I have very few such people left, not counting my parents and old friends. Not physically, of course, but the trouble is that this person will recover much faster than I will, and will forget about me in a week or two. And simple apologies will no longer be enough here. Probably, this is my main problem. I cannot be like everyone else, but at the same time, I cannot be completely special, like some people are. Something in between a self-isolated nonentity and an arrogant prick, receiving nothing more than contempt in both situations.
I would like to be a "vatnik." No, seriously. A stupid, brainless "vatnik," communicating as equals with other low-life scum of the same level, rejoicing over every single pathetic salary and sincerely proud of their existence. Why can't I? It should be so simple. So why, why? Where is the balance, where is the justice? I no longer need wealth, power, or success. What's so hard about it? I can't understand this, and that makes it even worse... ... ... ..
There is only one conclusion: the RNG in Mafia is indeed shit, I realize that now. Oh, and Slava Ukraini, guys.
Love ^^.I've probably never had anyone spiritually closer to me than some strangers from this forum. Interesting observation. I truly realize this now.
That is the truly pathetic soul of a Heroist, ha ha ha, feel free to laugh and leave downvotes))) And I ask you not to comment on this foolish outpouring of soulful thoughts; forgive me for this, it happens sometimes, I accidentally visited the forum and couldn't resist.