Prose. — Books — HeroesWorld

Predvestnik

19 years ago

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Guys... I was wondering why I couldn't find a thread where I could post my own stories... There's a thread for poems, but not for prose?? :D

Here's my first work.

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Draco_Lich

19 years ago

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My writings are here

Draco_Lich

19 years ago

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Numbers should be written as words. Use either one or three exclamation marks (the former is better if it's just an exclamatory sentence), and there should be only one space between words. And use capital letters as little as possible.

party preparations

"Preparation" - dative case.

the word "delicacies" is too strong

I don't get it.

Just imagine: a whole house of guests

Is this the start of a new sentence?

Zhenka had already disappeared somewhere with two girlfriends

Why does he need two? What a decline in morals.
By the way, no comma is needed after "already".

she aroused an unfeigned interest in me

"Unfeigned" should be written as one word.

in the corner there's a large sofa, a TV, a computer, a coffee table

Either it's a huge corner that fits so many things at once, or a crooked layout.

he said he would send someone to warm me up

Yikes.

and I couldn't move my body at all

That's not how you say it.

Fell asleep immediately, but now already next to a beautiful girl

Instrumental case.

My face could have caused laughter in anyone else.

A comma is needed after "as if".

her name is Eliza

Maybe it should be "Elisa" after all?

when I, think about her

No comma needed there.

located fifty minutes' drive from my house

Exactly fifty or approximately?

Sharply pulled the headphones out of his ear.

Out of ears? Or one headphone out of one ear?

I am like a little boy who found himself in space without a spacesuit.

???

Delight and horror seized the brain

Why is it singular when referring to THEM?

- “Hello”- sounded from my lips.
- “Hi there, I thought you wouldn't notice me, you were so absorbed in the music, and I've been standing next to you for about two minutes watching you sing”

Either quotes or dashes.
Watching as he sings?

The answer was positive.

"Positive". And in this context, it would be better to say it some other way.

the job isn't very hard – a security guard in a night club

How old is he?

there was no talk of weapon

"Of weapons".

I sharply pressed the phone to my ear.

The whole device?

and I got myself a cappuccino

Cappuccino.

I am ready to die for love!!!!!!!

And sell your soul to the devil? Fine, it's okay as is.

probably because now he could spend more time with Eliza

"Of time".

she simply loved it, sometimes throwing her head back in pleasure

And did he have to reach for her?

Throughout all our meetings we not once argued or disagreed.

Crooked construction.
"NOT once".

took a sip of Coca-Cola from a glass. Cold pierced my brain - I grimaced and coughed…

The brain is located elsewhere - only the throat could be burned.

the blow landed in the nose area, if I hadn't done wrestling for 8 years I would have fallen unconscious, but I stood my ground

Noses are broken by such blows.

the next blow hit the jaw…I concentrated…

Is his pain threshold really that high?

with a nimble movement the opponent flew to the ground

Whose nimble movement? Not his own.

she lay in a puddle of her own blood and cried. Shards of glass were scattered everywhere…

Where did the glass come from??? And where did a whole puddle come from?

“We will arrive in 5 minutes” - came the operator's answer.

They'll be driving for a whole hour.

Lifting her head, I placed it on my knees and winced in pain

Actually, you shouldn't have touched her.
And he would have lost consciousness if he sat down with a broken leg, as later turned out.

she whispered unclearly

"Inarticulately".

she made one last effort and smiled

"Smiled" (feminine).

A small stream of blood came out of her mouth

This should have happened much earlier.

asked to leave me alone… ALONE!!!

Alone with whom?

he said that I have three broken ribs on the right side and one on the left, a leg fracture in two places and a concussion…

When did all that happen?

I HATED HIM AGAIN

"Hated" (correct spelling).

For about two hours I sat on my knees and cried.

You stand on your knees.

** soul to the Devil after death**
**…… another?? You are ready to sacrifice your life for love???**

Actually, life and soul are two different things.

**…, Right Hand of Death and servant of the Devil**
**THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE ELIZA FROM THE KINGDOM OF DEATH IS TO SERVE DEATH…**

Death is a servant of the Devil. Something new.

“THE ONLY WAY TO BRING ELIZA BACK IS TO SERVE THE DEVIL…”

So, the Devil or Death?

I sat on the edge of the bed and took my head in my hands.

"Clasped".

some smiled at the same-sex youth

"Youth" (correct case).

- “Remember, I love only one girl, but she is no more. You are very much like her and that is your mistake. Because beauty must be unique” – I whispered

What did she do wrong? Psycho.

I struck her in the chest and covered her mouth with my palm. She leaned back, face – a round white spot, mouth - a black hole, the maw of a cave of horror. I pierced her again to kill the scream, to stop the scream, to save love.

Right through the ribs?

I knelt and tried about 12 more times to save love and kill the scream.

Psychopath.

Wiping the screwdriver on her beautiful evening dress, I put it in my pocket.

What an idiot not to throw it away.

Cars drove past me and shone their headlights brightly into my eyes.

So they have high beams on? That's forbidden in the city.

Seeing the bus, I stepped over the sidewalk and buttoned my jacket.

Maybe the curb?

He is honking, but not trying to stop.

He doesn't know it's a mentally ill suicide.

Drops of blood lay in a straight line on the wet autumn asphalt...

Doesn't work. He should have been thrown back.

Overall, a story about someone losing their mind. I don't know what state you were in when you wrote all this. Just don't answer with something like "And what did you write yourself?"