In general, I'm personally quite tired of all this.

I'll answer right away and to everyone. What you're trying to prove to me, I proved myself 15 years ago. I professionally studied all theological schools and put them into practice (up to contemplation), including Catholic mystical schools. This conversation is pointless because we are in different weight classes. Go through the path that I went through, first, and then we can talk, if you still have faith, which is unlikely.
And for now – believe as long as you can, and may God grant that you believe for as long as possible.