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A sleeping child is not only cute, but finally!
------
I signed up for online courses for private detectives. I transferred the money to them—and never heard from them again. Now I'm thinking: either I was robbed, or this is my first case.
----
How can you teach children good manners when Tarzan walks around naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Batman speeds at 450 km/hour, and Snow White actually lives with seven dwarfs?
-----
Hunters on a break.
- So we once went duck hunting. Before starting, we had a few drinks. I'm standing chest-deep in water, ducks fly by, so I take them from the knee...
------
A medical student asks his chess-player friend if he thinks talent is hereditary.
- Unlikely, - the latter answers. - Take Capablanca, for example. Have you heard anything about his father?
- Absolutely nothing.
- And about his mother?
- None either.
- Well, there you see.
- To be honest, I've never heard of Capablanca either.
--------
A husband is bathing the baby and shouts from the bathroom:
- Katya, he's eating the foam!
A couple of minutes later:..
- Katya, it actually tastes good!
--------
I'm standing on the balcony at night, smoking. I hear "meow-meow" from below. Well, I thought I'd answer: meow!
- meow I -meow
- Come on, man, stop it! I'm looking for my cat!
- o_O
-------
Never say: "I made a mistake," better say: "My, how interesting that turned out..."
-----
Do you also scream at the things you stub your toe on?
-------
Dad is putting his daughter to sleep. Half an hour later, Mom looks into the room:
— Well? Is she asleep?
— Yes, Mom, she's asleep.
------
A deer that got its antlers caught in wires in the city started running along route 17.
--------
I decided to boil some pelmeni for lunch. To add aroma, I thought of adding a bay leaf.
Searching on the shelf, I found some dried leaves. Deciding it was what I needed, I threw them into the pot.
As a result, the pelmeni tasted like eucalyptus.
I ate and cried, gentlemen, I ate, cried, and felt like a koala!
------
- Dad, buy me a chocolate bar!
- You're too old for sweets now.
- Really? Does that mean I can drink, smoke, and bring boys home?
- Which one do you want, dark or milk?
-------
An exam. The professor:
- Now, let's begin. Who knows enough for a 5?
A few timid hands go up; the professor takes their gradebooks and marks
EXC.
- Well, who knows enough for a 4? - more hands now; satisfied students get GOOD
and leave. The same happens with SATs. As a result, several students remain in the room,
tearing their hair out over their indecision.
- So, you know enough for a 2. That means you want a retake.... Well then,
a retake. Who knows enough for a 5?
-------
Silly laws of California, USA
Animals are prohibited from having sex in public view within 500 meters of the nearest tavern, school, or church.
Baths and saunas are prohibited by law in this state.
Women are prohibited from driving a car while wearing only a housecoat.
Driverless cars are prohibited from exceeding speeds over 60 mph (approximately 90 km/h).
Alhambra
Local law prohibits leaving cars on the street overnight unless the owner has a special permit for it.
Arcadia
The law states that peacocks have right-of-way on all streets and even on highways. If a peacock decides to cross a busy highway, all cars must let it pass.
Baldwin Park
It is prohibited to enter a pool on a bicycle.
Belvedere
Local law prohibits dogs from appearing in public places if they are not leading their owner on a leash.
Despite the fact that similar laws exist in other states, the wording here is interesting.
Blythe
Cowboy boots may only be worn by citizens who actually have at least two cows on their farm.
Cathedral City
It is prohibited to sleep in a parked car.
No one is allowed to enter the "Fountain of Life" on a bicycle.
Chico
Anyone who wants to throw hay into a street trash can must first obtain a license from the city for this.
It is prohibited to store untreated animal skins that emit an unpleasant odor in one's home.
Playing bowling on city sidewalks is prohibited.
Driving a herd of cattle through the streets of this city is prohibited.
City residents are prohibited from creating gardens or growing vegetables on municipal streets and public roads.
The law prohibits anyone from detonating any nuclear charges within city limits. Violators, should any ever appear, face a fine of $500.
Dana Point
It is prohibited to use the toilet if the window in that toilet is open.
El Monte
The law prohibits using children's sandboxes as ashtrays.
Eureka
It is prohibited to sleep on the road.
The law prohibits mustachioed men from kissing women.
---------
In the central Norwegian newspaper "Aftenposten" dated March 7, 2012, on page 13, a small article was printed with the following content:
"The State Nature Administration informed the head of the Oslo-Akershus district (the capital and nearest suburb) that on Monday, within city limits, a wolf killed a dog—a laika, one of those used for moose hunting (there is probably a more correct name for the breed, but I don't remember it now). The Storting (local parliament, like our Duma) recognized Oslo and most of its suburbs as a habitat for wolves. That is, the Storting decided that wolves can exist and reproduce in this area since there isn't too much conflict between grazing sheep and wolves. Wolves usually do not pose a threat to people and dogs, but in some cases they may attack dogs. The district head's environmental protection department will monitor the situation. (I don't know, maybe we should chip in for the funeral of the prematurely eaten dog?)"
Yeah, it makes you think. My 3 kilograms of dog love to be walked at odd hours. I repeat, we are talking about the capital of Norway. However, during these walks, I have personally seen a doe with two calves, a fox (repeatedly, and she stood there looking from the dog to me—as if saying, won't you give it up? Why do you even need it?), and some deer my own height. A happy family of badgers lives peacefully in my garden behind the house—I'm just waiting for them to wake up soon after winter hibernation. By the way, if anyone doesn't know—these are cute fluffy animals almost knee-high and 40 centimeters wide, who tend to attack rather than run away in case of an unexpected encounter. And now wolves too...
They'll write in the newspaper later: "Wolves ate a dog along with its owner. Usually they don't eat them. But sometimes they can. We will monitor the situation."
---------
LUCKY TICKET
What I want to tell you now is something I observed back in those distant years when a bus fare cost five kopecks, and conductors in public transport were unheard of. I was traveling somewhere in a half-empty bus, and at one of the stops, a little man entered the cabin. He looked—to put it mildly—quite simple. But he attracted the passengers' attention with his luggage: a large bayan hung from his neck. Of course, maybe it wasn't a bayan but some kind of accordion, I can't say for sure since my knowledge in this matter is very limited, but I will call it a bayan.
The man dropped a nickel into the fare box, tore off a ticket, and sat in a free seat. For several stops, looking at his ticket, he performed some complex calculations—sometimes bending fingers, sometimes raising his eyes to the ceiling, apparently hoping to see the ready answer there. Finally, the thought process ended, and the man's face lit up—the result of the calculation pleased him greatly. So much so that he even stood up from his seat, and having victoriously surveyed the cabin, announced to everyone present: - "My ticket is just the thing! It's a lucky one!"
The bus was standing at a stop with the door open at that moment. And then the little man looks carefully out the window, then at the wide-open door, and from the expression on his face, it becomes clear that this is his stop. To the hiss of the closing door, he lunges forward. And, God knows, he would have jumped out if not for the bayan hanging on him. As a result, the man was slammed by the door around the chest. But this desperate man had no intention of giving up: he braced his feet against the steps and, puffing like a hedgehog, began to struggle with effort toward freedom. At that very instant, the driver opened the door…
A champagne cork—that's what came to mind when I saw this unusual flight. Like a human rocket, the little man with the bayan flew out of the bus. Only the soles of his boots flashed in the air. The sound of the body hitting the asphalt was terrible. Looking through the window of the departing bus, I saw that the poor fellow sat on the ground with a bewildered look, rubbing his bruised head, while the bayan lay about three meters away from him.
If this misfortune had happened today, it can be said with certainty that half of the bus passengers, savoring the details, would have been filming him on mobile phones, anticipating posting the "juicy" video on the internet. And the others would have laughed like hyenas. But that time there was silence in the bus. And only an elderly fat man in glasses philosophically suggested: - "He probably made a mistake in his calculations..."
---------
An acquaintance of mine told me this over Skype.
My boyfriend went to work in America and went to a local cell phone store to buy a SIM for an iPhone (for those who might not know, it's smaller than a regular one). There they informed him that a SIM for an iPhone costs 50 dollars, while for regular phones it's 15. They argued for about 20 minutes.
- Well why??? - my beloved was straining. - What the hell is the point???!!!
- Excuse me, sir! - the American replied imperturbably, - those are our rules, sir.
- Fine, - mine sighed, - give me a regular one for 15.
The manager was somewhat surprised but sold him the SIM.
- And scissors too, please!
The American was even more surprised but asked no questions (democracy in the country, after all :)), and handed my dear one the scissors.
My beloved imperturbably, before the eyes of the stunned American, cut the SIM without even measuring it carefully and inserted it into his iPhone. And... voila, everything works!
The other was in shock: - What, it works?!!!!
Mine imperturbably: - Of course! Why wouldn't it work..
I still respect Russian people..:)))
A sleeping child is not only cute, but finally!
------
I signed up for online courses for private detectives. I transferred the money to them—and never heard from them again. Now I'm thinking: either I was robbed, or this is my first case.
----
How can you teach children good manners when Tarzan walks around naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Batman speeds at 450 km/hour, and Snow White actually lives with seven dwarfs?
-----
Hunters on a break.
- So we once went duck hunting. Before starting, we had a few drinks. I'm standing chest-deep in water, ducks fly by, so I take them from the knee...
------
A medical student asks his chess-player friend if he thinks talent is hereditary.
- Unlikely, - the latter answers. - Take Capablanca, for example. Have you heard anything about his father?
- Absolutely nothing.
- And about his mother?
- None either.
- Well, there you see.
- To be honest, I've never heard of Capablanca either.
--------
A husband is bathing the baby and shouts from the bathroom:
- Katya, he's eating the foam!
A couple of minutes later:..
- Katya, it actually tastes good!
--------
I'm standing on the balcony at night, smoking. I hear "meow-meow" from below. Well, I thought I'd answer: meow!
- meow I -meow
- Come on, man, stop it! I'm looking for my cat!
- o_O
-------
Never say: "I made a mistake," better say: "My, how interesting that turned out..."
-----
Do you also scream at the things you stub your toe on?
-------
Dad is putting his daughter to sleep. Half an hour later, Mom looks into the room:
— Well? Is she asleep?
— Yes, Mom, she's asleep.
------
A deer that got its antlers caught in wires in the city started running along route 17.
--------
I decided to boil some pelmeni for lunch. To add aroma, I thought of adding a bay leaf.
Searching on the shelf, I found some dried leaves. Deciding it was what I needed, I threw them into the pot.
As a result, the pelmeni tasted like eucalyptus.
I ate and cried, gentlemen, I ate, cried, and felt like a koala!
------
- Dad, buy me a chocolate bar!
- You're too old for sweets now.
- Really? Does that mean I can drink, smoke, and bring boys home?
- Which one do you want, dark or milk?
-------
An exam. The professor:
- Now, let's begin. Who knows enough for a 5?
A few timid hands go up; the professor takes their gradebooks and marks
EXC.
- Well, who knows enough for a 4? - more hands now; satisfied students get GOOD
and leave. The same happens with SATs. As a result, several students remain in the room,
tearing their hair out over their indecision.
- So, you know enough for a 2. That means you want a retake.... Well then,
a retake. Who knows enough for a 5?
-------
Silly laws of California, USA
Animals are prohibited from having sex in public view within 500 meters of the nearest tavern, school, or church.
Baths and saunas are prohibited by law in this state.
Women are prohibited from driving a car while wearing only a housecoat.
Driverless cars are prohibited from exceeding speeds over 60 mph (approximately 90 km/h).
Alhambra
Local law prohibits leaving cars on the street overnight unless the owner has a special permit for it.
Arcadia
The law states that peacocks have right-of-way on all streets and even on highways. If a peacock decides to cross a busy highway, all cars must let it pass.
Baldwin Park
It is prohibited to enter a pool on a bicycle.
Belvedere
Local law prohibits dogs from appearing in public places if they are not leading their owner on a leash.
Despite the fact that similar laws exist in other states, the wording here is interesting.
Blythe
Cowboy boots may only be worn by citizens who actually have at least two cows on their farm.
Cathedral City
It is prohibited to sleep in a parked car.
No one is allowed to enter the "Fountain of Life" on a bicycle.
Chico
Anyone who wants to throw hay into a street trash can must first obtain a license from the city for this.
It is prohibited to store untreated animal skins that emit an unpleasant odor in one's home.
Playing bowling on city sidewalks is prohibited.
Driving a herd of cattle through the streets of this city is prohibited.
City residents are prohibited from creating gardens or growing vegetables on municipal streets and public roads.
The law prohibits anyone from detonating any nuclear charges within city limits. Violators, should any ever appear, face a fine of $500.
Dana Point
It is prohibited to use the toilet if the window in that toilet is open.
El Monte
The law prohibits using children's sandboxes as ashtrays.
Eureka
It is prohibited to sleep on the road.
The law prohibits mustachioed men from kissing women.
---------
In the central Norwegian newspaper "Aftenposten" dated March 7, 2012, on page 13, a small article was printed with the following content:
"The State Nature Administration informed the head of the Oslo-Akershus district (the capital and nearest suburb) that on Monday, within city limits, a wolf killed a dog—a laika, one of those used for moose hunting (there is probably a more correct name for the breed, but I don't remember it now). The Storting (local parliament, like our Duma) recognized Oslo and most of its suburbs as a habitat for wolves. That is, the Storting decided that wolves can exist and reproduce in this area since there isn't too much conflict between grazing sheep and wolves. Wolves usually do not pose a threat to people and dogs, but in some cases they may attack dogs. The district head's environmental protection department will monitor the situation. (I don't know, maybe we should chip in for the funeral of the prematurely eaten dog?)"
Yeah, it makes you think. My 3 kilograms of dog love to be walked at odd hours. I repeat, we are talking about the capital of Norway. However, during these walks, I have personally seen a doe with two calves, a fox (repeatedly, and she stood there looking from the dog to me—as if saying, won't you give it up? Why do you even need it?), and some deer my own height. A happy family of badgers lives peacefully in my garden behind the house—I'm just waiting for them to wake up soon after winter hibernation. By the way, if anyone doesn't know—these are cute fluffy animals almost knee-high and 40 centimeters wide, who tend to attack rather than run away in case of an unexpected encounter. And now wolves too...
They'll write in the newspaper later: "Wolves ate a dog along with its owner. Usually they don't eat them. But sometimes they can. We will monitor the situation."
---------
LUCKY TICKET
What I want to tell you now is something I observed back in those distant years when a bus fare cost five kopecks, and conductors in public transport were unheard of. I was traveling somewhere in a half-empty bus, and at one of the stops, a little man entered the cabin. He looked—to put it mildly—quite simple. But he attracted the passengers' attention with his luggage: a large bayan hung from his neck. Of course, maybe it wasn't a bayan but some kind of accordion, I can't say for sure since my knowledge in this matter is very limited, but I will call it a bayan.
The man dropped a nickel into the fare box, tore off a ticket, and sat in a free seat. For several stops, looking at his ticket, he performed some complex calculations—sometimes bending fingers, sometimes raising his eyes to the ceiling, apparently hoping to see the ready answer there. Finally, the thought process ended, and the man's face lit up—the result of the calculation pleased him greatly. So much so that he even stood up from his seat, and having victoriously surveyed the cabin, announced to everyone present: - "My ticket is just the thing! It's a lucky one!"
The bus was standing at a stop with the door open at that moment. And then the little man looks carefully out the window, then at the wide-open door, and from the expression on his face, it becomes clear that this is his stop. To the hiss of the closing door, he lunges forward. And, God knows, he would have jumped out if not for the bayan hanging on him. As a result, the man was slammed by the door around the chest. But this desperate man had no intention of giving up: he braced his feet against the steps and, puffing like a hedgehog, began to struggle with effort toward freedom. At that very instant, the driver opened the door…
A champagne cork—that's what came to mind when I saw this unusual flight. Like a human rocket, the little man with the bayan flew out of the bus. Only the soles of his boots flashed in the air. The sound of the body hitting the asphalt was terrible. Looking through the window of the departing bus, I saw that the poor fellow sat on the ground with a bewildered look, rubbing his bruised head, while the bayan lay about three meters away from him.
If this misfortune had happened today, it can be said with certainty that half of the bus passengers, savoring the details, would have been filming him on mobile phones, anticipating posting the "juicy" video on the internet. And the others would have laughed like hyenas. But that time there was silence in the bus. And only an elderly fat man in glasses philosophically suggested: - "He probably made a mistake in his calculations..."
---------
An acquaintance of mine told me this over Skype.
My boyfriend went to work in America and went to a local cell phone store to buy a SIM for an iPhone (for those who might not know, it's smaller than a regular one). There they informed him that a SIM for an iPhone costs 50 dollars, while for regular phones it's 15. They argued for about 20 minutes.
- Well why??? - my beloved was straining. - What the hell is the point???!!!
- Excuse me, sir! - the American replied imperturbably, - those are our rules, sir.
- Fine, - mine sighed, - give me a regular one for 15.
The manager was somewhat surprised but sold him the SIM.
- And scissors too, please!
The American was even more surprised but asked no questions (democracy in the country, after all :)), and handed my dear one the scissors.
My beloved imperturbably, before the eyes of the stunned American, cut the SIM without even measuring it carefully and inserted it into his iPhone. And... voila, everything works!
The other was in shock: - What, it works?!!!!
Mine imperturbably: - Of course! Why wouldn't it work..
I still respect Russian people..:)))