Ment
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Collected some more.
A man goes to the vet:
- What are you complaining about?
- About life.
- But I'm a veterinarian, not a psychologist.
- Well, it's a dog's life.
--------
- You're an idiot and your jokes are stupid!
— Marry me!
— Oh, please forgive me. Are you serious?
— No, I'm joking, I'm joking :)
------
In Baden-Baden, a fundraiser has started to annex one more
Baden to the city.
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Mom asks Vovochka:
- Why did you come home from school so early today?
- Because I was the only one who could answer the teacher's question.
- What a good boy! And what was the question?
- "Who threw their pencil case at the principal?"
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Using a hoop and a bald boy, an ingenious astronomy teacher showed the children the planet Saturn.
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- You won't believe it, friend, but with my unremarkable appearance, everyone constantly
forgets me; even in the mailbox, I have to enter my password every
time, even though I click the 'remember me' button.
- Listen, dude, who are you anyway?
--------
- Excuse me, have you seen my little dog? Small, shaggy, always
gets under everyone's feet and barks loudly.
- Is that the one that flies ten meters from a light kick? No,
haven't seen it.
------
Actor Rostislav Plyatt was great at skiing until he played the role of Pastor Schlag.
--------
- Do you also vacuum, pick up a stuck thread and throw it back
onto the carpet, giving the vacuum CLEANER ANOTHER CHANCE?
-------
I started smoking with electronic cigarettes. Over time, they weren't enough for me, and I switched to regular ones.
-------
Today I was running after the bus; the driver stopped and waited. But I am proud… I ran right past him!
------
A scary woman and a young man are traveling on a train. They travel in silence… Then the train enters a tunnel. The woman (coquettishly):
- If you kiss me, I'll scream.
The young man:
- Me too.
-----
1931. Memories of a former soldier.
A sergeant is conducting a lesson on electrical equipment.
- All materials are divided into conductors, insulators, and semiconductors.
- He... He (Half the soldiers from technical schools and institutes)
- Stop the giggling! Metals, water, etc., are conductors. Wood, plastic, etc.,
are insulators.
- May I ask a question?
- What is wet wood?
- My answer - a semiconductor!
---------
In 80 years, our descendants will accidentally find a long-forgotten
Windows in some archives, decrypt the primitive program code and panic.
According to the calendar of the extinct operating system, the end of the world will come in 2099.
--------
Do you also take leaflets at the metro not to find out what's inside, but to help the person handing them out?
---------
xxx: came across a programmer vacancy
xxx: requirements: knowledge of C++‚ C#, java script, Linux,
Virtual machines(vmware).
xxx: are they high or something?
yyy: Relax, the girl from HR probably just typed "programming" into Google
and copied the first results =)
-----
Went fishing for nothing: pressure is high, fish aren't biting. Maybe their heads hurt too...
------
Wife to husband:
- Honey, take out the trash.
Husband:
- Nah, can't be bothered today.
Wife:
- Well, at least eat something then.
Husband:
- I wish it were always like that: if you don't want to take out the trash, the alternative is
to eat!
Mother-in-law:
- Well, the trash has to go somewhere!
-------
A husband was burdened with a huuuuge report that had to be done in one day.
He saved the first part of the report under a normal name, but as negative emotions grew, other parts were given working titles like
"ass2", "ass3", "appendices to the ass". He finished the report late at night and was so tired that he sent the whole folder just like that...
------
Went into a store yesterday for a lighter - standing in line. An absolutely zero-//man enters with a little dog in his arms and goes straight to the seller, skipping the line - liter of vodka - 2L of beer. He turns to me (I've worn a beard for 12 years) and as if looking in a mirror, declares - "Didn't shave today, huh"
--------
Buried my husband. Had to go back out on the, so to speak, "dating market". Realized I'd fallen behind modern trends. Recently.
Getting to know each other. He asks: "Do you have a favorite toy?"
Me: "Yes. A Rubik's Cube"
That was the end of the conversation.
------
Jedi
33-year-old David Canterbury was sentenced to 45 days in prison for attacking customers at a toy store. As reported by
Oregon Live, the man beat three people with two toy lightsabers - one in each hand. After that, he ran outside, where police tried to detain him. The man refused to comply with police demands and beat them with the lightsabers too.
David was found guilty of assault and resisting arrest.
Additionally, the court recommended a psychiatric evaluation.
The defendant, in turn, said that he had already started looking for a good psychiatrist or psychiatric clinic to improve his health. He also apologized to his accidental victims.
Furthermore, Canterbury was prohibited from approaching the toy store where the incident occurred.
------
We have an intercom. And my son-in-law (sister's husband) is a prankster. Every time he comes over, he invents a new phrase. The latest:
* intercom rings, I pick up *
– Yes?!
– I'm from the Bookworm Society! ... Is there anything to eat?!
---------
Alcohol not only destroys the liver but also stifles beautiful impulses.
The residents of the California gold-mining town of Rough and Ready in April
1850 voted to secede from the USA. It should be noted that California had been annexed by the United States only a couple of years before, so there was quite a spirit of freedom there.
Thus appeared the "Great Republic of Rough and Ready". The citizens of the newly formed state elected their president and adopted a constitution. Everything was fine until it was time to celebrate US Independence Day on July 4th. The prospectors had waited all year for it to party hard, but it turned out that, first, it was no longer their holiday, and second, as foreigners, they were refused the sale of alcohol in the neighboring town. They had to urgently hold a referendum on reunification.
The Republic rejoined its huge neighbor. The townsfolk managed to get drunk, but they lost their independence forever.
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ENTRY IN A SCHOOL DIARY
It is known that after becoming the world chess champion, Mikhail Tal continued to work in one of the Riga schools... as a humble literature teacher.
A funny story happened during one of his lessons: he noticed that during class, on a chessboard located on the windowsill, two students were quietly playing a game. White had every chance to deliver mate in four moves; however, they not only missed this chance but also fell under a crushing attack themselves.
Teacher Tal demanded the diary of the rule-breaker, where he made a strict note for the parents' information: "Failed to find mate in four moves during literature class!".
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About the boy who, back in Soviet times, proposed a new energy-saving scheme for opening bridges in Leningrad...
I remember there was a section in the "Young Technician" magazine where young Kulibins sent their technical proposals, sometimes reasonable, sometimes not so much.
Among the "unreasonable" ones at the time was such an idea: to hang enlarged movie frames in metro tunnels in front of the windows, so that one frame corresponded to the size of one window. And then, in the young inventor's mind, while riding the metro, passengers would watch movies.
The editorial board concluded that this was technically impossible (viewing requires images to be stationary even for a short time; trains change speed on different sections of the route, i.e., movement will slow down or speed up. Again - if a passenger travels only one stop, what, will he see only three minutes of the movie?). The verdict was delivered - "no patents issued!" (that was the name of the magazine column).
What do you think? Twenty years pass, I've long forgotten that "Young Technician" magazine, and for the first time in my life, I fly to London. Imagine my surprise when from a train going from Heathrow Airport to the city railway station, I suddenly see in the windows (as the train passes through a dark tunnel) an advertising clip, which is formed exactly by images hung in the tunnel, one window - one frame!
Technically it's solved simply - the images are lit by lamp flashes (like a stroboscope), which happen exactly when the window passes before the center of the image. The clip is short, naturally, a few minutes; organizing a constant train speed for 3 minutes is no problem. Even sound is transmitted (I think via the carriage's radio network, I don't remember exactly).
Technically everything could have been done 30 years ago; the question was that in the USSR back then, nobody thought about the need for advertising clips... So much for "no patents issued"!
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Once, one of my acquaintances was completely hounded regarding taxes for
(something or other) his long-deceased father. It's unclear where and why information suddenly surfaced, but they wanted it all at once with interest. Thus this masterpiece was born.
" Dear *name*, the addressee you specified voluntarily checked out on *date* and moved to a dormitory at: *morgue address*; from where after
*number* days, celebrating housewarming with flair at *crematorium address*, he moved to a new permanent place of residence: "cemetery address", plot No.
"number", spot No. "number". Please send all subsequent correspondence directly to the addressee, at the actual location (specified above)."
An amazing thing for our country, but the "happiness" letters stopped.
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If age and lack of brains permit, then why not?
This time, a lack of brains led us to one wonderful and very talented prank.
… In the yard of the house, workers were boiling tar. Barrels were smoking, workers were swearing, black sludge was bubbling, and all this together created such a romantic atmosphere that we, little boys, simply could not pass by.
- Uncle, can you give us some tar? – two street lads with a bucket stood
before the foreman, who, having just had lunch and a drink, was in
a very good mood. One of these lads with a bucket was
me.
The uncle looked at us kindly, said something like "take it [censored], why not?", and poured half a bucket of black, hot sludge.
At first we intended to pour it into various molds and make all sorts of interesting things, but a neighbor, a creature never sober and therefore regularly beaten by his wife, meeting us on our way, muttered something like "stole something again, little bandits", and thereby predetermined his own near future.
We suddenly felt offended, especially since this time we hadn't stolen anything, but had very honestly asked for it. Textured tar products fell to the background, and the question came to the foreground – how to prank the neighbor for his unfair words that wounded tender children's souls?
The fact that almost all adult neighbors feared us in no way speaks of gaps in upbringing or coarsened spirituality. But this neighbor did not fear us. He was brave and stupid, this neighbor.
The question of how to punish the neighbor so that in the future he would not say all sorts of unfair and defaming things about us became urgent.
The proposal to pour tar into the keyhole was rejected due to its lack of aesthetics. A proposal to pee on the mat in front of the door was also not taken into account. Firstly, we didn't want to pee, and secondly, we remembered well how a boy from our yard was caught doing that. First, he was educated by the presumed victim in the form of a spherical woman, then his father educated him personally, then the woman educated his father, then the father, inspired by the woman's non-pedagogical words, educated him again, then they all went together to the woman and the boy personally scrubbed the mat in the woman's bathtub. Then the boy went home, but the father stayed. Then the mother came from work and with the virtuosity of a medieval Jesuit extracted all the events of the past day. Then he went with his mother to show the apartment where he had peed on the mat. But for some reason, the mother didn't even look at the mat. Instead, she looked with a gaze heavy as a blacksmith's hammer at the door and said – "Go home, son."
No one knows what happened there; only frightened neighbors told each other in quiet whispers how the mother rolled the spherical woman across the landing, and how the father, after the woman's moonshine, crooked as a saxaul branch, jumped around the hallway in family boxers and shouted that he was a Timurovets and helps people wash mats peed on by hooligans.
In general, remembering this tragedy, we abandoned such revenge.
We entered the hallway, looked at the neighbor's apartment… Who remembers: before, when everything was bad and stagnant, shoes were put out in the corridor. Yes, everything was bad then, but the shoes stood there. And no one stole them. Although everything was bad. Yes.
This time, his valenki (felt boots) were standing in front of the neighbor's doors. To us, still little boys then, these valenki seemed like tunnels to a smelly underworld.
I am not exaggerating about the smell one bit. The fact that the neighbor put his valenki outside the door could be determined by smell from the first floor.
Dogs, instinctively fearing to burn their olfactory organs, were afraid to enter the hallway. And in summer even flies didn't fly in for probably the same reason. Because all normal people had a horseshoe hanging over the door, and the neighbor had valenki. The fact that once he hid a bottle of vodka in them, and the valenki, unable to withstand it, fell on the painted crown of his spouse, did not deter him from the habit of hanging smelly felt works of art over the door.
But now it was winter, and two valenki, pressed against each other, smelled together while standing guard near the door.
I won't say the idea came suddenly. Before that we went through many options, but settled on this one.
For some time the valenki disappeared, and an hour later they reappeared. To look at them, everything remained as it was. Even the smell. The smell of fuel oil with which they were stained outside and the smell of dead socks mixed with the smell of wet felt inside.
The neighbor came home in the evening as usual, making such loops with his feet as if he were dragging not a scrawny body, but at least a wagon full of watermelons.
- Throw out the bucket! – sounded from his door and we pressed to the peephole,
trying to see the effect simultaneously. And there was an effect! Not for nothing did we,
showing wonders of artistic molding, spend a whole hour sculpting additional ten centimeters on the toes from pliable
tar, and then, having thrown all the shelves out of the refrigerator, cooled this smelly work
of art. The fact that the valenki became ten centimeters longer, the neighbor
didn't seem to notice, attributing it to extra moonshine in his body. We
realized this when he, unable to cope with the new size, tumbled even on
the way to the stairs. The grunting of the neighbor, collecting the contents
of a spilled bucket about "strong moonshine" and "damn, what a dinner I had"
hinted that he had no complaints about the valenki. Through the crack
of the slightly open door we watched as the neighbor, resembling a sapper who had already stepped on three mines,
crawled across the landing dragging behind him
the heavier valenki and suspecting nothing. It looked like this: - seeing
another potato peel, the neighbor, standing on his knees, stretched his
arms forward, leaned on them, then with a groan like someone giving birth to twins pulled one
leg, rested for a second, then pulled the other. The confrontation with
the valenki that had gained new strength was not easy. We felt sorry for the neighbor. One more circumstance worried us. In the process of moving the body and
pulling legs with valenki, the latter scraped their sculpted
tar noses on the floor and deformed slightly. And we had so
carefully smeared them with fuel oil that we scraped from those same valenki! The neighbor left two black tracks behind him and it gave the impression that he had slammed on the brakes and skidded, leaving tire marks.
When the neighbor stood up and looked down… In general, the bucket, falling from weakened fingers, fell again and unloaded a bit onto the floor in an untidy pile. But the neighbor didn't care; he looked with horror at the tips of the valenki, which after crawling on the floor now resembled walrus flippers, though not as proportional as those of that beautiful animal. The man smacked his lips, moved dirty fingers in the air as if weaving an invisible web and tried to find a logical explanation for what he saw.
No logical explanation was found. We realized this when the neighbor cautiously, as if held by the balls by a rabid gorilla, left the valenki, picked them up with two fingers and carried them to the dump with outstretched arms. Barefoot.
On his face wandered… No, not a smile… Rather an expression of a person who had attained universal wisdom or discovered the source of eternal youth. Since then, no valenki were observed in front of his door.
The hallway breathed with full lungs.
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RELIABLE PARKING
I work at a firm in Kazan. I'm quitting tomorrow, so I can tell one story. In early 2011, a guy named Anton from Naberezhnye Chelny worked for us, nicknamed Gorin. He was frankly miserable with us. Firstly, he was "too smart"; he didn't show off himself, but the superiority of his brains constantly "leaked" out involuntarily, and the bosses often felt like idiots in his presence. Well, naturally, Gorin wasn't loved. Secondly, by appearance he was constantly confused with security guards: a burly man and shaved bald. And the security guards at our firm were always treated as lackeys. And this always pissed Gorin off.
And it also pissed him off that our bosses often got behind the wheel "under the influence". Well, this Gorin is such a relic of the pioneer organization.
Now for the story itself.
A delegation from abroad came to our firm one day. Either from the States or from Great Britain. Moreover, they themselves were from abroad, but arrived in
Kazan in a company "Audi" TT from Moscow. Like - a trip at the company's expense. Remember this, it's important. Such important cheapskates. Well, our department in full force was sent to organize their accommodation, cultural program, etc. And Gorin too. Well, as is fitting: booze, restaurant, sauna, hookers... Moving around the city with a drunk guest at the wheel.
At some point, already in the sauna, one of these cheapskates turns to
Gorin and throws the car keys at him with the words "You put the car in the parking lot. Just make sure it's not stolen!".
In Gorin's eyes, for a moment, flashes a desire to drown this foreign bastard in a basin, but we see he seems to have calmed down. And calmly the cheapskate asks: "You know, we have absolutely reliable parkings. But they are expensive. Are you ready to pay?" The foreigner arrogantly tells him that "price does not matter". Well, obviously, it's not his money.
Gorin and I go out into the same-room. He takes a bottle of vodka from the table, takes a glass, pours himself about 150 grams and "slams" it in one gulp. I'm shocked. But
Gorin just winked and - to the street. Returns in about forty minutes, quietly giggling, slips some piece of paper into the foreigner's pocket, goes and reports that he put the car in such a parking lot that no one, even if they wanted to, except the owner, could take it from there. And the owner was already completely gone, just waved his hand.
The joke became clear in the morning: Gorin didn't lie a word. No one could steal
the "Audi TT". And no one could take it except the owner. Because it was at an
IMPOUND LOT!
This joker, after drinking vodka, drove to the nearest traffic police post, drove past it at 140 km/h, and then, pretending to be drunk, gave the name of the foreign cheapskate. He took a copy of the report (which he stuffed into the bastard's pocket), and then returned to the sauna on his own.
In the morning, the foreigners didn't even remember how they managed to get caught by our police and just stupidly paid the fine. And our whole department, laughing secretly, kept silent about this case like partisans under interrogation until Anton quit. Anton, Gorin, brother, if you read this story, know that we remember you! Call sometime; you pest, you took everyone's numbers and left yours to no one!
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It was back in the shaggy 90s. The zucchini harvest that summer exceeded all conceivable records. We fried them, steamed them, pickled them; only moonshine hadn't been brewed from them yet. It seemed a pity to throw them away too... My grandfather, thinking for a bit and scratching his head, took a wooden chair and put the zucchini goods on it outside the gate on the street, attaching a sign "FREE". After an hour or two, grandpa found all the zucchini goods in full force on the ground, and the chair was gone as if it had never been there.... Freebies, my dear, are a treacherous thing.
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ALIEN
Another sketch about a pug.
Walking the dog. Two schoolchildren pass by.
- Oh look, what a cool little dog!
- Yeah, there was one like that in "Men in Black". Only he was an alien
there and talked.
- And this one?
- What - this one?
- Does it talk?
- Well, go up and ask…
The boy hesitantly approaches the dog. The dog, loving children, jumps on him, hugs him with paws and says: "Wow!"
The boy recoils toward his friend:
- Damn!!! It really is a talking alien!
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Munich, two weeks ago.
A Russian lady is standing in a store and in extremely broken English tries to explain herself to the seller, who speaks very good
Shakespeare's language. After about five minutes, when not even understanding each other, let alone reaching a consensus, was like walking to the Moon, the irritated lady gives the seller a "brilliant" phrase: "Do you speak English?"
To which she receives a calm answer:
- It is in English that I have been talking to you all this time...
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This is a story about how 30 years ago my friend Igor almost became a contender for the Darwin Award, which no one had heard of back then...
This is also a story about how two boys from the fourth floor caught a truck with a spinning rod and a carrot...
And it happened like this. Two ten-year-old slackers (Igorek and his friend) dreamed of learning how to fish with a spinning rod. Igorek's father was an angler, but he didn't trust the boys with the gear yet. It was kept on the balcony; the parent prudently removed the weights and hooks and hid them separately.
One day, when dad wasn't home, Igorek and his friend took out their father's spinning rod with bated breath and decided to learn how to cast independently, but in such a way that no one would guess. To the disappointment of the friends, although line was wound on the reel, this construction ended not with a weight, but with a lonely loop that didn't want to fly anywhere.
Rummaging on the balcony for a weight, the boys found nothing more suitable than a bag of carrots. A projectile of optimal size and aerodynamics was extracted from the bag, which they tied to the line.
The first casts were not distinguished by any particular distance - the carrot fell gloomily onto the lawn under the balcony. But experience came quickly, and after some time
Igorek made that very legendary cast. The carrot whistled across about twenty meters separating the house from the road and landed right in a passing truck, deftly wrapping itself around the rearview mirror. The driver, being a tough Vitebsk man, treated this fact with utter indifference, meaning he didn't even slow down. So what - something hit the windshield and attached to the mirror - is it the first time?
Thus, the truck continues on its way calmly, while
Igorek, gripping his father's spinning rod with a death grip and the reel screaming at an ultrasonic frequency, runs out of line and starts to panic. He cannot drop the spinning rod - he'll get it from his father.
The carrot does not want to untie itself from the truck. Proper fighting such a massive fishing trophy is clearly beyond a ten-year-old boy - he lacks experience. Breaking 0.5 or 0.6 mm line is also not as simple as it may seem.
Eventually, the line runs out, and a terrifying jerk pulls
Igorek off the fourth-floor balcony. Fortunately, when more than half of his body was already over the railing, two things happened: the spinning rod slipped from his hands, and his friend grabbed Igorek by the legs, so he remained on the balcony alive and unharmed, although with a bit of an adrenaline overdose. The spinning rod traveled about fifty meters behind the truck, then got stuck in the bushes and the line finally snapped.
Igorek still got it from his dad later for the missing line and the reel packed tight with sand, grass, and dog poop. But the Darwin
Award passed him by. That's a good thing - let the Americans get that one...
A man goes to the vet:
- What are you complaining about?
- About life.
- But I'm a veterinarian, not a psychologist.
- Well, it's a dog's life.
--------
- You're an idiot and your jokes are stupid!
— Marry me!
— Oh, please forgive me. Are you serious?
— No, I'm joking, I'm joking :)
------
In Baden-Baden, a fundraiser has started to annex one more
Baden to the city.
-------
Mom asks Vovochka:
- Why did you come home from school so early today?
- Because I was the only one who could answer the teacher's question.
- What a good boy! And what was the question?
- "Who threw their pencil case at the principal?"
-------
Using a hoop and a bald boy, an ingenious astronomy teacher showed the children the planet Saturn.
------
- You won't believe it, friend, but with my unremarkable appearance, everyone constantly
forgets me; even in the mailbox, I have to enter my password every
time, even though I click the 'remember me' button.
- Listen, dude, who are you anyway?
--------
- Excuse me, have you seen my little dog? Small, shaggy, always
gets under everyone's feet and barks loudly.
- Is that the one that flies ten meters from a light kick? No,
haven't seen it.
------
Actor Rostislav Plyatt was great at skiing until he played the role of Pastor Schlag.
--------
- Do you also vacuum, pick up a stuck thread and throw it back
onto the carpet, giving the vacuum CLEANER ANOTHER CHANCE?
-------
I started smoking with electronic cigarettes. Over time, they weren't enough for me, and I switched to regular ones.
-------
Today I was running after the bus; the driver stopped and waited. But I am proud… I ran right past him!
------
A scary woman and a young man are traveling on a train. They travel in silence… Then the train enters a tunnel. The woman (coquettishly):
- If you kiss me, I'll scream.
The young man:
- Me too.
-----
1931. Memories of a former soldier.
A sergeant is conducting a lesson on electrical equipment.
- All materials are divided into conductors, insulators, and semiconductors.
- He... He (Half the soldiers from technical schools and institutes)
- Stop the giggling! Metals, water, etc., are conductors. Wood, plastic, etc.,
are insulators.
- May I ask a question?
- What is wet wood?
- My answer - a semiconductor!
---------
In 80 years, our descendants will accidentally find a long-forgotten
Windows in some archives, decrypt the primitive program code and panic.
According to the calendar of the extinct operating system, the end of the world will come in 2099.
--------
Do you also take leaflets at the metro not to find out what's inside, but to help the person handing them out?
---------
xxx: came across a programmer vacancy
xxx: requirements: knowledge of C++‚ C#, java script, Linux,
Virtual machines(vmware).
xxx: are they high or something?
yyy: Relax, the girl from HR probably just typed "programming" into Google
and copied the first results =)
-----
Went fishing for nothing: pressure is high, fish aren't biting. Maybe their heads hurt too...
------
Wife to husband:
- Honey, take out the trash.
Husband:
- Nah, can't be bothered today.
Wife:
- Well, at least eat something then.
Husband:
- I wish it were always like that: if you don't want to take out the trash, the alternative is
to eat!
Mother-in-law:
- Well, the trash has to go somewhere!
-------
A husband was burdened with a huuuuge report that had to be done in one day.
He saved the first part of the report under a normal name, but as negative emotions grew, other parts were given working titles like
"ass2", "ass3", "appendices to the ass". He finished the report late at night and was so tired that he sent the whole folder just like that...
------
Went into a store yesterday for a lighter - standing in line. An absolutely zero-//man enters with a little dog in his arms and goes straight to the seller, skipping the line - liter of vodka - 2L of beer. He turns to me (I've worn a beard for 12 years) and as if looking in a mirror, declares - "Didn't shave today, huh"
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Buried my husband. Had to go back out on the, so to speak, "dating market". Realized I'd fallen behind modern trends. Recently.
Getting to know each other. He asks: "Do you have a favorite toy?"
Me: "Yes. A Rubik's Cube"
That was the end of the conversation.
------
Jedi
33-year-old David Canterbury was sentenced to 45 days in prison for attacking customers at a toy store. As reported by
Oregon Live, the man beat three people with two toy lightsabers - one in each hand. After that, he ran outside, where police tried to detain him. The man refused to comply with police demands and beat them with the lightsabers too.
David was found guilty of assault and resisting arrest.
Additionally, the court recommended a psychiatric evaluation.
The defendant, in turn, said that he had already started looking for a good psychiatrist or psychiatric clinic to improve his health. He also apologized to his accidental victims.
Furthermore, Canterbury was prohibited from approaching the toy store where the incident occurred.
------
We have an intercom. And my son-in-law (sister's husband) is a prankster. Every time he comes over, he invents a new phrase. The latest:
* intercom rings, I pick up *
– Yes?!
– I'm from the Bookworm Society! ... Is there anything to eat?!
---------
Alcohol not only destroys the liver but also stifles beautiful impulses.
The residents of the California gold-mining town of Rough and Ready in April
1850 voted to secede from the USA. It should be noted that California had been annexed by the United States only a couple of years before, so there was quite a spirit of freedom there.
Thus appeared the "Great Republic of Rough and Ready". The citizens of the newly formed state elected their president and adopted a constitution. Everything was fine until it was time to celebrate US Independence Day on July 4th. The prospectors had waited all year for it to party hard, but it turned out that, first, it was no longer their holiday, and second, as foreigners, they were refused the sale of alcohol in the neighboring town. They had to urgently hold a referendum on reunification.
The Republic rejoined its huge neighbor. The townsfolk managed to get drunk, but they lost their independence forever.
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ENTRY IN A SCHOOL DIARY
It is known that after becoming the world chess champion, Mikhail Tal continued to work in one of the Riga schools... as a humble literature teacher.
A funny story happened during one of his lessons: he noticed that during class, on a chessboard located on the windowsill, two students were quietly playing a game. White had every chance to deliver mate in four moves; however, they not only missed this chance but also fell under a crushing attack themselves.
Teacher Tal demanded the diary of the rule-breaker, where he made a strict note for the parents' information: "Failed to find mate in four moves during literature class!".
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About the boy who, back in Soviet times, proposed a new energy-saving scheme for opening bridges in Leningrad...
I remember there was a section in the "Young Technician" magazine where young Kulibins sent their technical proposals, sometimes reasonable, sometimes not so much.
Among the "unreasonable" ones at the time was such an idea: to hang enlarged movie frames in metro tunnels in front of the windows, so that one frame corresponded to the size of one window. And then, in the young inventor's mind, while riding the metro, passengers would watch movies.
The editorial board concluded that this was technically impossible (viewing requires images to be stationary even for a short time; trains change speed on different sections of the route, i.e., movement will slow down or speed up. Again - if a passenger travels only one stop, what, will he see only three minutes of the movie?). The verdict was delivered - "no patents issued!" (that was the name of the magazine column).
What do you think? Twenty years pass, I've long forgotten that "Young Technician" magazine, and for the first time in my life, I fly to London. Imagine my surprise when from a train going from Heathrow Airport to the city railway station, I suddenly see in the windows (as the train passes through a dark tunnel) an advertising clip, which is formed exactly by images hung in the tunnel, one window - one frame!
Technically it's solved simply - the images are lit by lamp flashes (like a stroboscope), which happen exactly when the window passes before the center of the image. The clip is short, naturally, a few minutes; organizing a constant train speed for 3 minutes is no problem. Even sound is transmitted (I think via the carriage's radio network, I don't remember exactly).
Technically everything could have been done 30 years ago; the question was that in the USSR back then, nobody thought about the need for advertising clips... So much for "no patents issued"!
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Once, one of my acquaintances was completely hounded regarding taxes for
(something or other) his long-deceased father. It's unclear where and why information suddenly surfaced, but they wanted it all at once with interest. Thus this masterpiece was born.
" Dear *name*, the addressee you specified voluntarily checked out on *date* and moved to a dormitory at: *morgue address*; from where after
*number* days, celebrating housewarming with flair at *crematorium address*, he moved to a new permanent place of residence: "cemetery address", plot No.
"number", spot No. "number". Please send all subsequent correspondence directly to the addressee, at the actual location (specified above)."
An amazing thing for our country, but the "happiness" letters stopped.
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If age and lack of brains permit, then why not?
This time, a lack of brains led us to one wonderful and very talented prank.
… In the yard of the house, workers were boiling tar. Barrels were smoking, workers were swearing, black sludge was bubbling, and all this together created such a romantic atmosphere that we, little boys, simply could not pass by.
- Uncle, can you give us some tar? – two street lads with a bucket stood
before the foreman, who, having just had lunch and a drink, was in
a very good mood. One of these lads with a bucket was
me.
The uncle looked at us kindly, said something like "take it [censored], why not?", and poured half a bucket of black, hot sludge.
At first we intended to pour it into various molds and make all sorts of interesting things, but a neighbor, a creature never sober and therefore regularly beaten by his wife, meeting us on our way, muttered something like "stole something again, little bandits", and thereby predetermined his own near future.
We suddenly felt offended, especially since this time we hadn't stolen anything, but had very honestly asked for it. Textured tar products fell to the background, and the question came to the foreground – how to prank the neighbor for his unfair words that wounded tender children's souls?
The fact that almost all adult neighbors feared us in no way speaks of gaps in upbringing or coarsened spirituality. But this neighbor did not fear us. He was brave and stupid, this neighbor.
The question of how to punish the neighbor so that in the future he would not say all sorts of unfair and defaming things about us became urgent.
The proposal to pour tar into the keyhole was rejected due to its lack of aesthetics. A proposal to pee on the mat in front of the door was also not taken into account. Firstly, we didn't want to pee, and secondly, we remembered well how a boy from our yard was caught doing that. First, he was educated by the presumed victim in the form of a spherical woman, then his father educated him personally, then the woman educated his father, then the father, inspired by the woman's non-pedagogical words, educated him again, then they all went together to the woman and the boy personally scrubbed the mat in the woman's bathtub. Then the boy went home, but the father stayed. Then the mother came from work and with the virtuosity of a medieval Jesuit extracted all the events of the past day. Then he went with his mother to show the apartment where he had peed on the mat. But for some reason, the mother didn't even look at the mat. Instead, she looked with a gaze heavy as a blacksmith's hammer at the door and said – "Go home, son."
No one knows what happened there; only frightened neighbors told each other in quiet whispers how the mother rolled the spherical woman across the landing, and how the father, after the woman's moonshine, crooked as a saxaul branch, jumped around the hallway in family boxers and shouted that he was a Timurovets and helps people wash mats peed on by hooligans.
In general, remembering this tragedy, we abandoned such revenge.
We entered the hallway, looked at the neighbor's apartment… Who remembers: before, when everything was bad and stagnant, shoes were put out in the corridor. Yes, everything was bad then, but the shoes stood there. And no one stole them. Although everything was bad. Yes.
This time, his valenki (felt boots) were standing in front of the neighbor's doors. To us, still little boys then, these valenki seemed like tunnels to a smelly underworld.
I am not exaggerating about the smell one bit. The fact that the neighbor put his valenki outside the door could be determined by smell from the first floor.
Dogs, instinctively fearing to burn their olfactory organs, were afraid to enter the hallway. And in summer even flies didn't fly in for probably the same reason. Because all normal people had a horseshoe hanging over the door, and the neighbor had valenki. The fact that once he hid a bottle of vodka in them, and the valenki, unable to withstand it, fell on the painted crown of his spouse, did not deter him from the habit of hanging smelly felt works of art over the door.
But now it was winter, and two valenki, pressed against each other, smelled together while standing guard near the door.
I won't say the idea came suddenly. Before that we went through many options, but settled on this one.
For some time the valenki disappeared, and an hour later they reappeared. To look at them, everything remained as it was. Even the smell. The smell of fuel oil with which they were stained outside and the smell of dead socks mixed with the smell of wet felt inside.
The neighbor came home in the evening as usual, making such loops with his feet as if he were dragging not a scrawny body, but at least a wagon full of watermelons.
- Throw out the bucket! – sounded from his door and we pressed to the peephole,
trying to see the effect simultaneously. And there was an effect! Not for nothing did we,
showing wonders of artistic molding, spend a whole hour sculpting additional ten centimeters on the toes from pliable
tar, and then, having thrown all the shelves out of the refrigerator, cooled this smelly work
of art. The fact that the valenki became ten centimeters longer, the neighbor
didn't seem to notice, attributing it to extra moonshine in his body. We
realized this when he, unable to cope with the new size, tumbled even on
the way to the stairs. The grunting of the neighbor, collecting the contents
of a spilled bucket about "strong moonshine" and "damn, what a dinner I had"
hinted that he had no complaints about the valenki. Through the crack
of the slightly open door we watched as the neighbor, resembling a sapper who had already stepped on three mines,
crawled across the landing dragging behind him
the heavier valenki and suspecting nothing. It looked like this: - seeing
another potato peel, the neighbor, standing on his knees, stretched his
arms forward, leaned on them, then with a groan like someone giving birth to twins pulled one
leg, rested for a second, then pulled the other. The confrontation with
the valenki that had gained new strength was not easy. We felt sorry for the neighbor. One more circumstance worried us. In the process of moving the body and
pulling legs with valenki, the latter scraped their sculpted
tar noses on the floor and deformed slightly. And we had so
carefully smeared them with fuel oil that we scraped from those same valenki! The neighbor left two black tracks behind him and it gave the impression that he had slammed on the brakes and skidded, leaving tire marks.
When the neighbor stood up and looked down… In general, the bucket, falling from weakened fingers, fell again and unloaded a bit onto the floor in an untidy pile. But the neighbor didn't care; he looked with horror at the tips of the valenki, which after crawling on the floor now resembled walrus flippers, though not as proportional as those of that beautiful animal. The man smacked his lips, moved dirty fingers in the air as if weaving an invisible web and tried to find a logical explanation for what he saw.
No logical explanation was found. We realized this when the neighbor cautiously, as if held by the balls by a rabid gorilla, left the valenki, picked them up with two fingers and carried them to the dump with outstretched arms. Barefoot.
On his face wandered… No, not a smile… Rather an expression of a person who had attained universal wisdom or discovered the source of eternal youth. Since then, no valenki were observed in front of his door.
The hallway breathed with full lungs.
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RELIABLE PARKING
I work at a firm in Kazan. I'm quitting tomorrow, so I can tell one story. In early 2011, a guy named Anton from Naberezhnye Chelny worked for us, nicknamed Gorin. He was frankly miserable with us. Firstly, he was "too smart"; he didn't show off himself, but the superiority of his brains constantly "leaked" out involuntarily, and the bosses often felt like idiots in his presence. Well, naturally, Gorin wasn't loved. Secondly, by appearance he was constantly confused with security guards: a burly man and shaved bald. And the security guards at our firm were always treated as lackeys. And this always pissed Gorin off.
And it also pissed him off that our bosses often got behind the wheel "under the influence". Well, this Gorin is such a relic of the pioneer organization.
Now for the story itself.
A delegation from abroad came to our firm one day. Either from the States or from Great Britain. Moreover, they themselves were from abroad, but arrived in
Kazan in a company "Audi" TT from Moscow. Like - a trip at the company's expense. Remember this, it's important. Such important cheapskates. Well, our department in full force was sent to organize their accommodation, cultural program, etc. And Gorin too. Well, as is fitting: booze, restaurant, sauna, hookers... Moving around the city with a drunk guest at the wheel.
At some point, already in the sauna, one of these cheapskates turns to
Gorin and throws the car keys at him with the words "You put the car in the parking lot. Just make sure it's not stolen!".
In Gorin's eyes, for a moment, flashes a desire to drown this foreign bastard in a basin, but we see he seems to have calmed down. And calmly the cheapskate asks: "You know, we have absolutely reliable parkings. But they are expensive. Are you ready to pay?" The foreigner arrogantly tells him that "price does not matter". Well, obviously, it's not his money.
Gorin and I go out into the same-room. He takes a bottle of vodka from the table, takes a glass, pours himself about 150 grams and "slams" it in one gulp. I'm shocked. But
Gorin just winked and - to the street. Returns in about forty minutes, quietly giggling, slips some piece of paper into the foreigner's pocket, goes and reports that he put the car in such a parking lot that no one, even if they wanted to, except the owner, could take it from there. And the owner was already completely gone, just waved his hand.
The joke became clear in the morning: Gorin didn't lie a word. No one could steal
the "Audi TT". And no one could take it except the owner. Because it was at an
IMPOUND LOT!
This joker, after drinking vodka, drove to the nearest traffic police post, drove past it at 140 km/h, and then, pretending to be drunk, gave the name of the foreign cheapskate. He took a copy of the report (which he stuffed into the bastard's pocket), and then returned to the sauna on his own.
In the morning, the foreigners didn't even remember how they managed to get caught by our police and just stupidly paid the fine. And our whole department, laughing secretly, kept silent about this case like partisans under interrogation until Anton quit. Anton, Gorin, brother, if you read this story, know that we remember you! Call sometime; you pest, you took everyone's numbers and left yours to no one!
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It was back in the shaggy 90s. The zucchini harvest that summer exceeded all conceivable records. We fried them, steamed them, pickled them; only moonshine hadn't been brewed from them yet. It seemed a pity to throw them away too... My grandfather, thinking for a bit and scratching his head, took a wooden chair and put the zucchini goods on it outside the gate on the street, attaching a sign "FREE". After an hour or two, grandpa found all the zucchini goods in full force on the ground, and the chair was gone as if it had never been there.... Freebies, my dear, are a treacherous thing.
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ALIEN
Another sketch about a pug.
Walking the dog. Two schoolchildren pass by.
- Oh look, what a cool little dog!
- Yeah, there was one like that in "Men in Black". Only he was an alien
there and talked.
- And this one?
- What - this one?
- Does it talk?
- Well, go up and ask…
The boy hesitantly approaches the dog. The dog, loving children, jumps on him, hugs him with paws and says: "Wow!"
The boy recoils toward his friend:
- Damn!!! It really is a talking alien!
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Munich, two weeks ago.
A Russian lady is standing in a store and in extremely broken English tries to explain herself to the seller, who speaks very good
Shakespeare's language. After about five minutes, when not even understanding each other, let alone reaching a consensus, was like walking to the Moon, the irritated lady gives the seller a "brilliant" phrase: "Do you speak English?"
To which she receives a calm answer:
- It is in English that I have been talking to you all this time...
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This is a story about how 30 years ago my friend Igor almost became a contender for the Darwin Award, which no one had heard of back then...
This is also a story about how two boys from the fourth floor caught a truck with a spinning rod and a carrot...
And it happened like this. Two ten-year-old slackers (Igorek and his friend) dreamed of learning how to fish with a spinning rod. Igorek's father was an angler, but he didn't trust the boys with the gear yet. It was kept on the balcony; the parent prudently removed the weights and hooks and hid them separately.
One day, when dad wasn't home, Igorek and his friend took out their father's spinning rod with bated breath and decided to learn how to cast independently, but in such a way that no one would guess. To the disappointment of the friends, although line was wound on the reel, this construction ended not with a weight, but with a lonely loop that didn't want to fly anywhere.
Rummaging on the balcony for a weight, the boys found nothing more suitable than a bag of carrots. A projectile of optimal size and aerodynamics was extracted from the bag, which they tied to the line.
The first casts were not distinguished by any particular distance - the carrot fell gloomily onto the lawn under the balcony. But experience came quickly, and after some time
Igorek made that very legendary cast. The carrot whistled across about twenty meters separating the house from the road and landed right in a passing truck, deftly wrapping itself around the rearview mirror. The driver, being a tough Vitebsk man, treated this fact with utter indifference, meaning he didn't even slow down. So what - something hit the windshield and attached to the mirror - is it the first time?
Thus, the truck continues on its way calmly, while
Igorek, gripping his father's spinning rod with a death grip and the reel screaming at an ultrasonic frequency, runs out of line and starts to panic. He cannot drop the spinning rod - he'll get it from his father.
The carrot does not want to untie itself from the truck. Proper fighting such a massive fishing trophy is clearly beyond a ten-year-old boy - he lacks experience. Breaking 0.5 or 0.6 mm line is also not as simple as it may seem.
Eventually, the line runs out, and a terrifying jerk pulls
Igorek off the fourth-floor balcony. Fortunately, when more than half of his body was already over the railing, two things happened: the spinning rod slipped from his hands, and his friend grabbed Igorek by the legs, so he remained on the balcony alive and unharmed, although with a bit of an adrenaline overdose. The spinning rod traveled about fifty meters behind the truck, then got stuck in the bushes and the line finally snapped.
Igorek still got it from his dad later for the missing line and the reel packed tight with sand, grass, and dog poop. But the Darwin
Award passed him by. That's a good thing - let the Americans get that one...