Ment
Auto-translated
Thank you to Kosha for filtering out the profanity that I overlooked last time.
And if even one person likes it, that's reason enough to keep the tradition going.
A cactus that stood next to a computer monitor for seven years knows how to reinstall Windows.
--------
They were celebrating Internal Organs Day. They drank to the liver.
--------
The height of an election campaign. They call an old lady's apartment.
- Who is it?
- I'm from the apple!
- A worm, then?
© konde13
--------
Teacher:
- Here is an ant working all day. Children, what happens next?
Vovochka:
- And then, Marivanna, some pest will come along and crush it.
--------
- Son, you've gotten mixed up with a bad company...
- Mom, I founded it.
------
The year 2016. Fursenko, as part of the education reform, introduces a 10-point grading scale for knowledge. It will be:
1 - Author, drink some poison!
2 - Into the furnace!
3 - To Babruysk!
4 - FFFFUUUU!
5 - Didn't read it, but I condemn it
6 - Lol
7 - Bugaga
8 - +1
9 - [censored], give me two!
10 - +100500!
--------
For two weeks I punished the cat for puddles in the bathroom...
Turns out the tank was leaking.
-------------
Due to a miserable life, a man jumped from the sixth floor. Life improved around the third, but it was already too late.
------
There are some decisions after which the cockroaches in your head give a standing ovation!
---------
An acquaintance told me.
He's putting his little girl to sleep, telling her "Little Red Riding Hood" for the first time. He got to the part where the big bad wolf ate the grandmother.
The little girl sighed:
- Yes, that's right. The wolf is the forest's sanitary worker.
---------
To cry, not to laugh...
The Russian Ministry of Defense has stopped purchasing Kalashnikov rifles
27.09.2011 RBC daily
The Ministry of Defense will buy 10 thousand badminton rackets and shuttlecocks for the army
14.11.2011 Vesti.Ru
They used to throw hats at the enemy (then they lost the Crimean War)...
Professor
---------
Once my father parked the car in the yard and went inside for 15 minutes.
He ate, and then back to his business.
But not so fast.
He returns a couple of minutes later.
- Maria, imagine this, the window in the car was broken. As soon as I saw it—I thought everything...
The money, documents, phone are all there. I approach—everything is in place... Strange.
I went with my father to check what kind of noble robbers these were.
(A small digression. My father doesn't smoke, but he often lights aromatic sticks in the car. So everything necessary for this lies in a visible place. Well, the stand, lighter.... etc.) We went out into the yard, checked all the contents of the car—yes, everything is here. And then it hit me.
- Where is the lighter?
Father starts laughing, because the missing item was a lighter with a red price of 20 rubles. Meanwhile, a pretty good phone, wallet, and many other things useful to robbers remained.
A survey of the grandmothers showed (what Stirlitzes!) that two guys approached the car and did something; after a couple of minutes they left on their own, no one scared them off.
I can still imagine this situation.
Two typical gopniks are walking along.
- Vasya, got anything to smoke?
- I do, Petya, but I don't have a lighter...
(Vasya's gaze falls on the lighter under the glass of Dad's car.)
- Opaniki....
Then follows the break-in and retreat.
Curtain.
------
The director of an Evenk state farm told this; he is half-Yakut himself. It happened after New Year's celebrations, all alcohol supplies were exhausted and there was nothing left to cure the hangover.
But the festive table was still set, pelmeni were served with a sauce—vinegar. A relative comes in and asks for something to cure his hangover, to which they reply that there is nothing, they'd like a drink themselves, but where to get it. He sees a bottle with liquid on the table and says: well, here it is. Despite objections that it was just vinegar, he still pours himself a glass and drinks. With the words "It really is vinegar," he puts the practically empty glass back.
---------
The training of my dog—a one-year-old pug—is mostly handled by my 12-year-old daughter. And she does it quite competently: rewarding for good behavior, punishing for "screw-ups."
The most common punishment is to "put him in the corner" and wait for permission to leave. The dog doesn't stand in the corner, he sits, but what difference does it make if he doesn't leave without permission. The "capital punishment" sounds like: "How about a slap on the butt with a slipper?"
Usually a warning is enough, because the dog really dislikes getting slapped on the butt with a slipper.
Generally, with such discipline, the dog turns out very obedient and understanding, but as they say, anything can happen.
So, yesterday evening, I'm sitting glued to the computer, the dog is wandering somewhere around the house.
I hear three dull thuds in a row. I jump up.
And I find this scene: an overturned stool, dropped remotes for the TV and receiver, a spilled bag with pitiful remains of chips... And THE DOG "IN THE CORNER"!!!
In advance!!!
Eyes like Shrek's cat, any moment now he'll say in a human voice: "My bad! I'm already under arrest. Voluntarily! No need for the 'slipper to the butt' execution, please!"
-------
Once we were traveling by train with my little son; a guy in military uniform was lying on the upper berth. My son said with envy: "When I grow up, I'll buy myself a soldier's hat, soldier's boots, and a soldier's belt." To which the guy above answered him: "They'll issue all that to you!"
-------
My five-year-old son saw a Dalmatian on the street for the first time and shouts loudly—
"Dad, look what a fancy dog is walking by"!
-------
Decided to share. I have a cat, my parents have a dacha. I have a vacation.
In the summer, my parents went traveling, and the cat and I decided to hang out at the dacha for a week or two.
The cat was at the dacha for the first time; at first he was a bit overwhelmed by the diversity of the universe, but on the very first evening he brought a mouse. Alive. Scared. Undamaged. A scar on its tail, but clearly an old one.
I used to keep pet rats myself and have a love for tailed rodents.
I told the cat to control his animal instincts, gave the mouse a piece of bread and let it go. It seemed everything was settled. But.
The very next evening, the cat appears with the same—you can tell by the tail—mouse. I gave it some cheese, even though they shouldn't have it. The mouse ran away.
This story repeated every evening. The cat brings the same mouse, it gets fed, it runs away.
And then the vacation ended, and the cat and I left. I hope the mouse is doing well.
-----------
My friend couldn't for the life of him get his son (3rd grade) to practice on the pull-up bar. When it's warm, they go out to the stadium. My friend, who weighs almost 100 kg, does 12-13 pull-ups, while the son struggles with 3-4. And no matter how much the father forced the younger one to practice constantly, nothing came of it.
Denis (the son) said that this wasn't the most important thing and that there were more interesting and useful activities. And Denis has a younger brother who was about to turn 3. My friend naturally invited our family to celebrate the younger son's birthday. My wife and I thought for a long time about what to give him besides money. So we bought a little hamster along with a cage. When we arrived at the party, all the guests naturally came to see our gift. The hamster was nimbly climbing around the cage and demonstrating its abilities to the viewers. Just then Denis came home from school and announced right from the threshold that he had managed to do 5 pull-ups on the bar. Lekha (his father) said ironically: - Well, you're cool. Now look at the master! With these words, he put a pencil in the cage. The hamster grabbed it with its teeth. Lekha lifted it slightly off the ground. The hamster first pulled itself up with one paw, then the other, and then did a pull-up with a twist using both paws. Then it swung, did a muscle-up (that is, an exit to two paws), hung by one paw, and jumped off the bar. All the guests applauded in unison and shouted: "Bravo!". Denya stood rooted to the spot, while his father patted his son on the shoulder and asked:
- Do you think you can do that?
Six months later I stopped by to visit them. Angela (Lekha's wife) was home with the younger son. Lesha and Denis were at the stadium. I went to join them.
Approaching the stadium, I saw Denya jump onto the bar and start doing pull-ups. He did it cleanly, without jerking. I counted 20 times. By the time I approached, Denya had managed a few more pull-ups and muscle-ups. Lekha looked at my surprise and laughed:
- All this time he's been going to the stadium every day. Thanks for the hamster-coach!!!
--------
Schoolchildren from Stepanovsky hamlet built a snowwoman right on the rails and watched from behind the bushes to see how the driver would react.
When a cheerful gang of schoolboys went for a walk, they first decided to sculpt a snowman. But for some reason, they started building the figure right on the rails.
At first, a tiny little snow-man appeared on the sleepers.
A passing train immediately smashed it.
The boys scratched their heads and immediately began rolling larger balls.
With the combined efforts of the boys, an impressively sized snowman was constructed on the sleepers, with branches attached instead of arms. When the work was finished, the noise of a train was heard. The schoolchildren immediately rushed into the bushes and began to observe from cover what would happen next.
Since it was snowing, it seemed to the driver that a person was standing on the tracks.
He began to signal as hard as he could. Seeing that the figure remained motionless, he decided to stop the train. The consist stopped right in front of the snowman's nose. In those seconds, the man experienced the whole gamut of emotions—from fear to unrestrained joy. The driver jumped out of the diesel locomotive to give the prankster a scolding, but on the tracks was a snowwoman... The train stood for half an hour and then moved on.
The rascals themselves were no longer in the mood for jokes and rushed home.
The next day, employees of the linear department raided the local school.
The schoolchildren "cracked" and gave each other up.
- It became clear almost immediately that the main protagonists of the incident were two friends from the fifth and sixth grades, - said Maria Marchenko, the headteacher of Stepanovsky secondary school. - The boys are good, their parents are strict. On weekdays they don't have much free time. One of them does dancing, the other martial arts, but on the weekend they were left unsupervised—and lo and behold, they distinguished themselves! The kids had no malicious intent. They just decided to entertain themselves this way; they didn't think the fun would turn into such an emergency.
The parents gave their children a hiding—they had to blush and explain themselves to the teachers. And in a few days, together with the children, they will go for a talk at the police station.
Galina KOVALENKO
---------
MISUNDERSTOOD
I live on a street called Khersonskaya. Not very melodious, but that's not the point. The trick is that about five hundred meters away is located same-named Khersonsky Lane, which doesn't correlate with the street at all—it runs completely parallel. And a house with the same number as mine... in general, there are about six houses with such a number (well, "a", "b" and so on through the alphabet) and they are all veeeery lively. Something is always happening there. Need I say that all ambulances/firefighters/mattress deliveries/bank notices about loans end up at our place first. And why? It's simple. Here is the street, here is the house. You can't miss it; who cares about nuances.
And a year ago, I was given a wall lamp for my birthday. So, I am concentratedly attaching it to the wall and then there's a knock at the door. I curse that they are tearing me away from my work and go to open it.
Cops. Even with an assault rifle. Disheveled and agitated.
- What is going on here? – he almost screams.
I raise my eyebrows in surprise:
- Nothing.
- And what is THIS for? – he points a finger at the hammer, which I had successfully forgotten to leave in the room and continued to hold in "working position." Well, I got carried away, it happens.
- I'm nailing a lamp there.
The nearest cop somehow tenses up, moves back to a safe distance and is clearly ready to grab for his pistol.
("What's with him? Is he sick or something?")
- For what?
My eyes become like an owl's.
("Did I wake up, or am I still sleeping???")
- Uh... actually to the wall.
He moves back even further, closer to his own. A few seconds of a silent scene; on their faces, for some reason, "crazy" is printed in large font, and on mine—"what schizophrenics."
- Please calm down, let US help you with this problem, - stammers one of them.
- Oh come now, I can handle it perfectly myself. Only one nail left to drive in and that's it.
- Maybe you shouldn't?
- I should, what do you mean "shouldn't." Otherwise it won't hold well.
- Uh... can we at least look?
("No, this is definitely a parade of schizophrenics!!!")
- Well come in, look...
When they entered the room, they saw a neatly disassembled lamp ready to be fastened to the wall; they literally collapsed and laughed hysterically for a very, very long time. Meanwhile, I was frantically remembering how to call the psychiatric ward.
When they finished laughing and explained the reason to me, recalling all my lines, I started laughing.
They heard—"I'm nailing my brother."
Then I explained about the eternal confusion, and they drove off to figure out who was being nailed over there. Man, they have a stressful job...
And if even one person likes it, that's reason enough to keep the tradition going.
A cactus that stood next to a computer monitor for seven years knows how to reinstall Windows.
--------
They were celebrating Internal Organs Day. They drank to the liver.
--------
The height of an election campaign. They call an old lady's apartment.
- Who is it?
- I'm from the apple!
- A worm, then?
© konde13
--------
Teacher:
- Here is an ant working all day. Children, what happens next?
Vovochka:
- And then, Marivanna, some pest will come along and crush it.
--------
- Son, you've gotten mixed up with a bad company...
- Mom, I founded it.
------
The year 2016. Fursenko, as part of the education reform, introduces a 10-point grading scale for knowledge. It will be:
1 - Author, drink some poison!
2 - Into the furnace!
3 - To Babruysk!
4 - FFFFUUUU!
5 - Didn't read it, but I condemn it
6 - Lol
7 - Bugaga
8 - +1
9 - [censored], give me two!
10 - +100500!
--------
For two weeks I punished the cat for puddles in the bathroom...
Turns out the tank was leaking.
-------------
Due to a miserable life, a man jumped from the sixth floor. Life improved around the third, but it was already too late.
------
There are some decisions after which the cockroaches in your head give a standing ovation!
---------
An acquaintance told me.
He's putting his little girl to sleep, telling her "Little Red Riding Hood" for the first time. He got to the part where the big bad wolf ate the grandmother.
The little girl sighed:
- Yes, that's right. The wolf is the forest's sanitary worker.
---------
To cry, not to laugh...
The Russian Ministry of Defense has stopped purchasing Kalashnikov rifles
27.09.2011 RBC daily
The Ministry of Defense will buy 10 thousand badminton rackets and shuttlecocks for the army
14.11.2011 Vesti.Ru
They used to throw hats at the enemy (then they lost the Crimean War)...
Professor
---------
Once my father parked the car in the yard and went inside for 15 minutes.
He ate, and then back to his business.
But not so fast.
He returns a couple of minutes later.
- Maria, imagine this, the window in the car was broken. As soon as I saw it—I thought everything...
The money, documents, phone are all there. I approach—everything is in place... Strange.
I went with my father to check what kind of noble robbers these were.
(A small digression. My father doesn't smoke, but he often lights aromatic sticks in the car. So everything necessary for this lies in a visible place. Well, the stand, lighter.... etc.) We went out into the yard, checked all the contents of the car—yes, everything is here. And then it hit me.
- Where is the lighter?
Father starts laughing, because the missing item was a lighter with a red price of 20 rubles. Meanwhile, a pretty good phone, wallet, and many other things useful to robbers remained.
A survey of the grandmothers showed (what Stirlitzes!) that two guys approached the car and did something; after a couple of minutes they left on their own, no one scared them off.
I can still imagine this situation.
Two typical gopniks are walking along.
- Vasya, got anything to smoke?
- I do, Petya, but I don't have a lighter...
(Vasya's gaze falls on the lighter under the glass of Dad's car.)
- Opaniki....
Then follows the break-in and retreat.
Curtain.
------
The director of an Evenk state farm told this; he is half-Yakut himself. It happened after New Year's celebrations, all alcohol supplies were exhausted and there was nothing left to cure the hangover.
But the festive table was still set, pelmeni were served with a sauce—vinegar. A relative comes in and asks for something to cure his hangover, to which they reply that there is nothing, they'd like a drink themselves, but where to get it. He sees a bottle with liquid on the table and says: well, here it is. Despite objections that it was just vinegar, he still pours himself a glass and drinks. With the words "It really is vinegar," he puts the practically empty glass back.
---------
The training of my dog—a one-year-old pug—is mostly handled by my 12-year-old daughter. And she does it quite competently: rewarding for good behavior, punishing for "screw-ups."
The most common punishment is to "put him in the corner" and wait for permission to leave. The dog doesn't stand in the corner, he sits, but what difference does it make if he doesn't leave without permission. The "capital punishment" sounds like: "How about a slap on the butt with a slipper?"
Usually a warning is enough, because the dog really dislikes getting slapped on the butt with a slipper.
Generally, with such discipline, the dog turns out very obedient and understanding, but as they say, anything can happen.
So, yesterday evening, I'm sitting glued to the computer, the dog is wandering somewhere around the house.
I hear three dull thuds in a row. I jump up.
And I find this scene: an overturned stool, dropped remotes for the TV and receiver, a spilled bag with pitiful remains of chips... And THE DOG "IN THE CORNER"!!!
In advance!!!
Eyes like Shrek's cat, any moment now he'll say in a human voice: "My bad! I'm already under arrest. Voluntarily! No need for the 'slipper to the butt' execution, please!"
-------
Once we were traveling by train with my little son; a guy in military uniform was lying on the upper berth. My son said with envy: "When I grow up, I'll buy myself a soldier's hat, soldier's boots, and a soldier's belt." To which the guy above answered him: "They'll issue all that to you!"
-------
My five-year-old son saw a Dalmatian on the street for the first time and shouts loudly—
"Dad, look what a fancy dog is walking by"!
-------
Decided to share. I have a cat, my parents have a dacha. I have a vacation.
In the summer, my parents went traveling, and the cat and I decided to hang out at the dacha for a week or two.
The cat was at the dacha for the first time; at first he was a bit overwhelmed by the diversity of the universe, but on the very first evening he brought a mouse. Alive. Scared. Undamaged. A scar on its tail, but clearly an old one.
I used to keep pet rats myself and have a love for tailed rodents.
I told the cat to control his animal instincts, gave the mouse a piece of bread and let it go. It seemed everything was settled. But.
The very next evening, the cat appears with the same—you can tell by the tail—mouse. I gave it some cheese, even though they shouldn't have it. The mouse ran away.
This story repeated every evening. The cat brings the same mouse, it gets fed, it runs away.
And then the vacation ended, and the cat and I left. I hope the mouse is doing well.
-----------
My friend couldn't for the life of him get his son (3rd grade) to practice on the pull-up bar. When it's warm, they go out to the stadium. My friend, who weighs almost 100 kg, does 12-13 pull-ups, while the son struggles with 3-4. And no matter how much the father forced the younger one to practice constantly, nothing came of it.
Denis (the son) said that this wasn't the most important thing and that there were more interesting and useful activities. And Denis has a younger brother who was about to turn 3. My friend naturally invited our family to celebrate the younger son's birthday. My wife and I thought for a long time about what to give him besides money. So we bought a little hamster along with a cage. When we arrived at the party, all the guests naturally came to see our gift. The hamster was nimbly climbing around the cage and demonstrating its abilities to the viewers. Just then Denis came home from school and announced right from the threshold that he had managed to do 5 pull-ups on the bar. Lekha (his father) said ironically: - Well, you're cool. Now look at the master! With these words, he put a pencil in the cage. The hamster grabbed it with its teeth. Lekha lifted it slightly off the ground. The hamster first pulled itself up with one paw, then the other, and then did a pull-up with a twist using both paws. Then it swung, did a muscle-up (that is, an exit to two paws), hung by one paw, and jumped off the bar. All the guests applauded in unison and shouted: "Bravo!". Denya stood rooted to the spot, while his father patted his son on the shoulder and asked:
- Do you think you can do that?
Six months later I stopped by to visit them. Angela (Lekha's wife) was home with the younger son. Lesha and Denis were at the stadium. I went to join them.
Approaching the stadium, I saw Denya jump onto the bar and start doing pull-ups. He did it cleanly, without jerking. I counted 20 times. By the time I approached, Denya had managed a few more pull-ups and muscle-ups. Lekha looked at my surprise and laughed:
- All this time he's been going to the stadium every day. Thanks for the hamster-coach!!!
--------
Schoolchildren from Stepanovsky hamlet built a snowwoman right on the rails and watched from behind the bushes to see how the driver would react.
When a cheerful gang of schoolboys went for a walk, they first decided to sculpt a snowman. But for some reason, they started building the figure right on the rails.
At first, a tiny little snow-man appeared on the sleepers.
A passing train immediately smashed it.
The boys scratched their heads and immediately began rolling larger balls.
With the combined efforts of the boys, an impressively sized snowman was constructed on the sleepers, with branches attached instead of arms. When the work was finished, the noise of a train was heard. The schoolchildren immediately rushed into the bushes and began to observe from cover what would happen next.
Since it was snowing, it seemed to the driver that a person was standing on the tracks.
He began to signal as hard as he could. Seeing that the figure remained motionless, he decided to stop the train. The consist stopped right in front of the snowman's nose. In those seconds, the man experienced the whole gamut of emotions—from fear to unrestrained joy. The driver jumped out of the diesel locomotive to give the prankster a scolding, but on the tracks was a snowwoman... The train stood for half an hour and then moved on.
The rascals themselves were no longer in the mood for jokes and rushed home.
The next day, employees of the linear department raided the local school.
The schoolchildren "cracked" and gave each other up.
- It became clear almost immediately that the main protagonists of the incident were two friends from the fifth and sixth grades, - said Maria Marchenko, the headteacher of Stepanovsky secondary school. - The boys are good, their parents are strict. On weekdays they don't have much free time. One of them does dancing, the other martial arts, but on the weekend they were left unsupervised—and lo and behold, they distinguished themselves! The kids had no malicious intent. They just decided to entertain themselves this way; they didn't think the fun would turn into such an emergency.
The parents gave their children a hiding—they had to blush and explain themselves to the teachers. And in a few days, together with the children, they will go for a talk at the police station.
Galina KOVALENKO
---------
MISUNDERSTOOD
I live on a street called Khersonskaya. Not very melodious, but that's not the point. The trick is that about five hundred meters away is located same-named Khersonsky Lane, which doesn't correlate with the street at all—it runs completely parallel. And a house with the same number as mine... in general, there are about six houses with such a number (well, "a", "b" and so on through the alphabet) and they are all veeeery lively. Something is always happening there. Need I say that all ambulances/firefighters/mattress deliveries/bank notices about loans end up at our place first. And why? It's simple. Here is the street, here is the house. You can't miss it; who cares about nuances.
And a year ago, I was given a wall lamp for my birthday. So, I am concentratedly attaching it to the wall and then there's a knock at the door. I curse that they are tearing me away from my work and go to open it.
Cops. Even with an assault rifle. Disheveled and agitated.
- What is going on here? – he almost screams.
I raise my eyebrows in surprise:
- Nothing.
- And what is THIS for? – he points a finger at the hammer, which I had successfully forgotten to leave in the room and continued to hold in "working position." Well, I got carried away, it happens.
- I'm nailing a lamp there.
The nearest cop somehow tenses up, moves back to a safe distance and is clearly ready to grab for his pistol.
("What's with him? Is he sick or something?")
- For what?
My eyes become like an owl's.
("Did I wake up, or am I still sleeping???")
- Uh... actually to the wall.
He moves back even further, closer to his own. A few seconds of a silent scene; on their faces, for some reason, "crazy" is printed in large font, and on mine—"what schizophrenics."
- Please calm down, let US help you with this problem, - stammers one of them.
- Oh come now, I can handle it perfectly myself. Only one nail left to drive in and that's it.
- Maybe you shouldn't?
- I should, what do you mean "shouldn't." Otherwise it won't hold well.
- Uh... can we at least look?
("No, this is definitely a parade of schizophrenics!!!")
- Well come in, look...
When they entered the room, they saw a neatly disassembled lamp ready to be fastened to the wall; they literally collapsed and laughed hysterically for a very, very long time. Meanwhile, I was frantically remembering how to call the psychiatric ward.
When they finished laughing and explained the reason to me, recalling all my lines, I started laughing.
They heard—"I'm nailing my brother."
Then I explained about the eternal confusion, and they drove off to figure out who was being nailed over there. Man, they have a stressful job...