Posts from Sandro TV

There has long been a Kitsum TV thread on the literary forum. In other words, it's a parody of real-life programs and advertisements, imagining how they would look in Perumov's Ordered world. Why don't we do something similar here?

Here is an example:

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Tarnum and the underground dwellers are pushing through the snowy tundra toward the Ice Blade from one side. Jelu and the elves from another. Kiya and the Barbarians from a third. Voice-over: "Frostbitten fools in search of icy freshness!"

Roland and his army at the walls of Krilakh are fighting off hordes of krigans.
Roland:
- Come out, Xenofex! I challenge you to combat! Come out, you demonic spawn!
The krigans finish off Roland's army and seize him. The sword slips from the king's hands...
Xenofex's throne room. The demon at the table is still chewing on some human flesh:
- Sometimes it's better to chew than to speak!

Crag Hack is causing a massacre in Stedwig's tavern:
- It wasn't Nescafe!

Promotion: Collect the King of the Undead Cloak and the Cursed Armor for Sandro and win a ticket to the coronation of Fineus Vilmar.

Might and Magic 6.
The library of Ironfist Castle. Queen Catherine sadly looks at Roland's portrait on the wall. Voiceover: "Husband gone? That's the way of life!" Catherine's gaze falls on Archibald, turned into a statue in a dashing pose. A spark of interest ignites in her eyes. She approaches and approvingly pats his stone biceps. Voiceover: "Foster's law - his brother remains!"
Heroes of Might and Magic 5:
Gillett is the best for a succubus!

A little demon asks the Pit Lord:
- Dad, are there any humans left?
- They're all gone, son. Eat some cheese!

Frost mages searching for icy freshness: *Cast Ice Block* -ICE?? -Nope, not ice... *Cast Ring of Cold* -ICE??? -Nah... *Summon Water Elementals* -AAAAICE!!!!!!!!!

Archibald sits and examines the vials of poison with interest. Suddenly, one of the seer's students bursts in and grabs the first vial he sees. Archibald: "Stop, that's poison!" Student: "Image is nothing, thirst is everything!"

Castor’s little son asks his father: “Dad, does the city of Forge really exist?” Castor (sadly): “No, son, it’s just a fantasy.”

Mutare (still in human form) rummages through the shelves with potions. She tries one, then another, then a third... she finds a vial with Dragon's Blood, drinks it, and an illumination appears; she grows wings... (Voiceover) Red Bull gives you wings!

The undead are storming the castle. The vampires quickly transform into bats and fly towards the fortress wall. One is hit by an arrow, falls, and transforms back into a humanoid. The vampire crawls on all fours in the mud, and then a necromancer rides up on a horse:
- Broken? That means you're hungry! Don't slack off! Bite!

The vampire lunges at the nearest swordsman and bites into his throat.
- Swordsman! Eaten - and order is restored!

Gavin Magnus and his courtiers are sitting and celebrating. They celebrate for a long time. Everyone has had a drink. Gavin Magnus, with bleary eyes, turns to the wall of the room, where a pile of jugs lies.
- Well, who's going to fetch Jynx?

(sorry for the off-topic) Guys... you're hilarious... I can't stop laughing =)):smile12: :smile12:

A Necromancer is recruiting an army at the Castle before a battle and calculating his finances: "Right, we'll take Liches, we'll take Black Knights, we'll take Ghosts, they're cheap... that's it, I think, otherwise I'll run out of money." A Vampire, obsequiously: "I'll suck for pennies!.."


Tactical regrouping before the fight. An Elf Archer tries to place a Unicorn in front of himself as cover. A Dryad flies over and makes eyes at the Unicorn (let's remember that, according to legend, unicorns love girls). The Unicorn, swooning with happiness, gallops toward the Dryad. She sticks her tongue out at the Elf and nods toward the Unicorn: "He would protect even a man, but he was created specifically for women!"

"Looking for great heroes, paladins, rangers, powerful mages, and barbarians to undertake a very important mission to save the world from monsters." Address: Wingtail Tavern, ask for Sandro.

the truth about Roland's victory!
Roland and Archibald meet on the battlefield.
A: HOW ABOUT YOUR WIFE? FAMILY?
R: EVERYTHING'S FINE. I KEEP HER IN THE BASEMENT, IN THE FREEZER! I LIKE THINGS NICE AND CHILLED! IN THE MORNINGS!
Archibald falls dead. voiceover: "JUICES AND NECTARS ARE MY FAMILY!"

Music on Sandro TV Everything is taken from Arda-Na-Kulichkah and slightly modified. On the screen, there is a dark hall where elves, dwarves, centaurs, druids, goblins, orcs, ogres, cyclops, and barbarians stand in formation, holding conductor's batons and wearing tuxedos, with Jelu and Kilgor in the front. Melody: "We are starting KVN" Chorus: - Again on Enroth, There is no place for battles. This means again The chaos begins again! This means again The Ancients are waiting for our progress In the battle with (Barbarians) the light (Elves) the dark force, And Tarnum is offended... So: Jelu and Kilgor in the pose of a worker and a collective farm worker, holding swords in front: - We squeezed the swords in our fists, For what? For what? So that nothing is left behind, No one, nothing So that everyone finally leaves this world Take us to Axeoth Canenghem, Canenghem! On the screen, a squad of goblins and orcs walks through Deyja. Gloomy swamps, twisted trees, black fog. Suddenly, everyone disperses, and only one goblin on a horse remains on the screen; in the background, lights flash, and vampires approach the goblin. The horse neighs wildly and throws the goblin off. Melody: "The Long Road" Goblin: - We were riding on horses with bells. Suddenly, lights lit up around us And we somehow got lost, As if by the wave of a hand... Across the minefield, and on a moonlit night, Without baggage and even without fire, I run picturesquely, I scream madly: Friends, where are you? Save me! Vampire chorus: - La-la-la-lai-la-la, La-la-la-lai-la-la, La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la! The goblin runs away in horror. On the screen, the same goblin runs to the swamp. He stops, catches his breath, and a zombie hits him on the head with a hammer from behind. Zombies gather around. Melody: "Dark Night" Zombie: - Dark night! Only a skull creaks in the grave, Only a golden tooth glitters And reflects the moon. In the dark night Not a single burial mound sleeps, Because a goblin is scurrying in the forest, Living protoplasm! How I love The goblin's paws in soft fur! How I want To press against them now with my teeth!.. In the dark night My white stone will not let you pass, Because you cannot be saved anyway, I would stuff you with salami.