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How on earth did I manage this?
I've often encountered internet scams; I also happened to play an online game some years ago where there were no rules regarding honesty, and it was tacitly understood that it was better not to trust anyone. You could be ripped off in trade, lied to about gender, or even have someone pretend to be another player for some purpose. I personally didn't like people who did such things to gain some advantage. But my attitude toward these things shifted toward "this is more or less normal."
Then came a long break from gaming; I had other priorities. But at one point, I had a conversation with an acquaintance, and we touched upon the topic of online games, and she said that she prefers to play under male nicknames because she generally dislikes the way girls are treated. At the time, no particular attention was paid to this, and the conversation moved on.
And then, some more time passed. I felt like playing something, and Heroes 3 caught my eye. I love turn-based strategies; besides, I really liked this game during my school years. We played via hot-seat, built capitols, and fought with massive armies. And I really wanted to revisit it. I didn't plan on staying long, just to relax a bit and have a good time. That conversation came back to me, and I thought, "Why not pretend to be a girl, just for interest, to see if they believe it or not, and how they'll treat me?" An experimenter, damn it. And so it began.
I played a bit through GR (by the way, the attitude was mostly kind of condescending, which was actually unpleasant), then registered on HW. Life got in the way, and there was a long break during which I only played with one person. I managed to build up some skill.
Then I start playing on HW and continue implementing the plan. But gradually, I begin to realize several things. That the idea was a total fail; here is a small, normal Community and people are mostly treated well. That I like the game. That I like certain people. This would have been the time for me to end this circus and tell the truth while only a few people thought I was a girl. But the chance was missed ("maybe it's fine as is, maybe it's not necessary, anyway the game will probably get boring quickly, and no one will be worse off"). I start communicating impersonally and stop telling anyone that I am a girl. That's how I played for a long time. But information spreads; people find out from each other. I already started to panic and didn't know what to do, but in the end, I maintained the legend. And now everyone is "in the loop."
I think, okay, let it be as it happened, but I'm already feeling fatigue from the game; I need to disappear, and let the fairy tale of this skilled girl remain. I couldn't. Primarily because of very pleasant communication with some people, and I didn't want—and still don't want—to lose them or the connection with them.
But this couldn't last forever; sooner or later, the moment had to come when everything needed to be told. That moment has arrived; dragging it out any further was just depressing. I regret that I caused negative emotions and upset some people. I can also say that my attitude toward such actions has changed, and I will not repeat this again, even if it seems that "no one will be worse off." It had become simply unpleasant for me too, and some people, upon finding out everything, were deeply upset, clearly demonstrating that someone indeed can be made to feel worse.
Did I act poorly? Yes. Was I messing around with nonsense? Yes. Could I have resolved and settled everything much sooner? Yes. In my defense, I can only say that I didn't want anything truly bad. Nor did I want any bonuses in Tournaments or anything of the sort.
I apologize for this deception. Especially to those who were affected by it in one way or another.