Posts from Creation by fans of the game.

I've missed the mockery, the criticism, and the rare "cool))))" (which were the only rewards I got wherever this was posted before).

- My Lord, the Lord of Rock has ordered the capture of the port! - said a warrior approaching him.
- Lord of Rock? - Agler asked.
Agler didn't understand what was happening; he had a splitting headache and a stabbing pain in his side, and he didn't even try to hide it.
- Are you alright, my Lord? - the warrior asked him.
In an instant, several images flashed before Agler. Everything became clearer, and the pain vanished.
- Yes, everything is fine... Uh... We move out.
And so the Black horde marched forward. They brought chaos and destruction in their path, but their goal was different.
In the year 538 of the Era of Suffering, a dark camp was established near the port city, and a spy was dispatched without delay. He brought back plenty of bad news: against 18,000 darks stood 40,000 soldiers, 70% of whom were ranged units; the wall was truly strong, not some pathetic pile of boulders hastily thrown one atop another as in the cities of the Deer Duchy; the possibility of a peasant militia was too great.
- Well, whether we want it or not, we will have to take the city even at the cost of lives... We begin the attack at night.
"Darkness... Only the highest light or the darkest particle of the light ones can deal serious damage to it. But what if a light one fought for the darkness?" With these thoughts, King Andargan, Lord of the Sea Waves, marched to meet the Black armies. Horror in his heart, darkness in his soul, a desire for personal gain...
Agler woke up from a powerful kick to the jaw. He grabbed a knife and lunged at the opponent, when suddenly the Lord's voice rang in his head:
- Don't dare; he has tens of thousands of warriors under his command. Better to be cunning, lure them over. Andargan is a coward like no other, his opinion is easily changed...
- Yes, my Lord. - Agler's voice sounded in his head.
Agler lowered the knife, stepped back, and waited for the words of Andargan's messenger.
- Are you Agler? The Lord expects you and your men in the tent, to the northeast from here.
Agler smiled; everything had become significantly simpler, though it now took more time.
The road to Andargan's camp was short. The Lord of Waves himself came out to meet them. Without a word, Agler understood what Andargan had planned; everything was becoming easier. The garrison army had now donned dark attire; the enemy's defeat was inevitable...
In the morning, the dark horde marched to the shore, and their forces were incredibly vast...
By noon, the Blacks were on the shore. What he saw enraged Agler. The Lord demanded the immediate crossing of the Blacks to the other half of the island, while the port had been burned.
- Where is that son of a bitch who did this?! - Agler shouted viciously. - Find him quickly, or the Lord's wrath will overtake you!
The Blacks split up. Agler and Andargan remained to wait for them on site.
An hour later, one of the first Blacks brought an old man. He walked proudly, nose held high. He did not yet know what awaited him...
- Speak, you bastard, why did you do it?! - the infuriated Agler shouted, delivering a powerful blow to the old man's face.
- You are unworthy of the great lands of kings, you are bastards and traitors, servants of fire and darkness. - the old man shouted, spitting in Agler's face.
Enraged, Agler kicked the old man in the face several times.
- My friend, you will suffer yet!
- I will endure any torture!
- We will take your soul!
A movement of the fingers, and the old man screamed in pain, rolling on the ground, crying and begging for mercy, but the new Agler does not forgive, he punishes... punishes cruelly...
The old man's soul was now in a vial around Agler's neck...
Infuriated, Agler kicked the old man's corpse, turned to leave, and shouted:
- Clothe the corpse of this bastard in black.
- But why? He has no soul, he can't do anything! - one of the warriors shouted.
- The Lord sent a chest of black stones! I hope I don't have to explain to you what they are and how to use them...
Agler went into the tent with the thought that the war started by the Blacks had failed. By sunset the next day, the Blacks were to sail away by the Lord's decree. In his reflections, he fell asleep, and in his dream, he saw a huge forest standing next to a Fortress that previously belonged to Andargan. An unknown power assured him that he would have time to cut down this forest, build boats, and drag them to the shore.
Agler woke up. His goal became this forest, the forest of Vlakhoun...
By midnight they arrived and, without delay, set to work. Time was pressing, and by morning, thousands of trees had been felled. All that remained was to build the ships....
The work was finished by noon. Agler marveled at this luck. A god cannot help evil, the King of Darkness does not care about his servants... So whose power helped Agler?
And yet, it was too early to relax; the ships had to be moved to the shore, and little time remained... The strongest Blacks were chosen to pull the ships; Agler was not overlooked. Drenching the ground in sweat and blood leaking from old wounds, they moved toward the shore, and by some miracle, they arrived in time; a few hours remained to set sail...
So the ships departed. Agler was tired, the pain piercing him gave him no peace, and it was no longer just that old wounds had opened... Agler's spirit was leaving, and the pain—the same pain that old man had felt—pierced him, but delayed, bit by bit, for the devil's stone holding the mask would not let him go. Agler went to sleep; he felt that he would soon be able to reveal a new secret...
But the dream was strange, incomprehensible: Agler and some strange man were entering a cave; monsters of antiquity, the horrors and fears of men, awaited them there... But overcoming their fear, they found themselves in a wide hall. And suddenly a voice, a quiet and beautiful voice said: "And only the angel's stone will save the one cursed by fiery doom"...
Agler woke up...

I'd like to highlight a few passages that I particularly enjoyed:

Chaos and destruction were their companions, but their goal was different.

Oh dear, what a mismatch between means and ends!..

The garrison's army was now clad in a dark suit; the enemy's defeat was inevitable...

A secret uber artifact: "a dark three-piece suit, with a tie."

An hour later, one of the first blacks brought in the old man. He walked proudly, with his nose held high. He didn't yet know what awaited him...

...and don't be so arrogant!

Pouring sweat and blood from old wounds onto the ground, they moved towards the shore...

Blood is like that. It seeps out everywhere.

And yes, what is this story even about?

Forget it. I expected a response when I started, but it was the same. Prince Omega also doesn't quite understand my style.

It all depends on what your goal was in posting this here. If it was to make everyone smile, clap their hands, and give you lots of positive feedback, then you clearly missed the mark. If, however, it was to receive constructive criticism, then you need to at least be open to it. Otherwise, you can keep writing mediocre and meaningless texts until you're old, claiming that "no one understands your style."
And yes, what's the story about?

I think I already said that. The meaning lies in the very beginning, and it's a few pages back. Okay, this is a preface to my second book, the story about the emergence of the dark horde and its fall, of course, it's not fully written here, this is just a part. In the book itself, it will simply serve as a guide to understand what I'm talking about, if I say something like, "Danar was taken," etc.

Added after 57 seconds
And I posted it to hear opinions and, if something is bad, to understand what needs to be improved.

The Omega Prince also doesn't quite understand my style.

Style? I think there's a complete inability to express thoughts. And the ones he did express, he couldn't express them correctly.

He had a terrible headache, a sharp pain in his side, and he didn't even hide it.

He walked hunched over, clutching his head.

- Are you alright, Lord? - the warrior asked him.

Asked? I think he was stating it. I have a clear picture in my mind: a two-meter-tall brute with large hands in plate gauntlets, rubbing one fist with the other, and saying sternly:
- Are you alright, Lord.
And you can't argue with him. He argued last time, and now he has a headache and a sharp pain in his side...

A few images flashed before Agler. Everything became clearer, the pain subsided.

And there's confirmation: he remembered how he was beaten, pulled himself together, and answered so as not to get it again:

- Yes, I'm alright... Uh... Let's go.

Well, I'm right.

Further - more:

In the 538th year of the Era of Suffering.

Clearly, this is a story about the past and what has already happened. We read on and see events in the present:

a dark camp was established near the port city, and a spy was sent without delay.

AAAAA!!! What spy? Where was he sent? Why was he sent? Is he dark, or whose is he?

He brought a lot of bad news: 18,000 dark creatures faced 40,000 soldiers, 70% of whom were archers.

It became a little clearer with the spy, but then it gets worse. There are 18,000 dark creatures. They are not soldiers, not archers, they are dark creatures, well, okay. There are 40,000 soldiers against them, 70% of whom are archers. I imagine a medieval soldier who can barely count to 100, and he is asked:
- How many of you are there?
- Forty thousand! - the soldier proudly answers, having overheard a conversation between the officers. He doesn't really know how many, for him it's just a lot.
- And how many archers are among you? - then the soldier has an epiphany, he realizes that this is all a game, everyone around has attack and defense parameters, speed, HP, skills, all sorts of things, and he calmly answers, now with an answer that is clear to him:
- 70%.

But we move on:

the wall was truly strong, and not just a pathetic pile of stones hastily thrown on top of each other, as in the cities of the Deer Duchy.

Well, what do you want if the Duke is a deer? He doesn't need anything but to graze.

- Whether we like it or not, we will have to take the city, even at the cost of lives...

I see a picture: the main character delivers a pompous speech before the assault to inspire the soldiers... And then, a fail:

We will start the attack at night.

I'm cringing. This is just an epic combo breaker.
Let's skip the next paragraph and return to Agler's problems and his "warrior".

Agler woke up from a strong kick to the jaw.

I was right at the beginning! Further, the voice of some "Lord" in Agler's head stops him from stabbing with a knife, proving that the "warrior" is not who he seems, and then there's just a brain explosion:

- Yes, Lord. - Agler's voice sounded in his head.

Whose head? Agler's own voice sounds in his head? Then he should visit a mental hospital. Or is it the "Lord" whose head has Agler's voice? In short, who is messing with whose head?

Agler lowered the knife, stepped back, and waited for the words of Andargan's messenger.

And where did this one come from?

The road to Andargan's camp was short.

Small, compact road. If necessary, he picked it up, put it in his pocket, and it's gone.

Without words, Agler understood what Andargan had in mind, everything was becoming simpler. The army of the garrison was now dressed in a dark uniform, the enemy's defeat was inevitable...

What did Andargan have in mind? Which garrison's army? Which enemy's defeat? Where did the 70% of archers and 30% of melee units go?

- Speak, you bastard, why did you do this?! - Agler shouted angrily, delivering a strong blow to the old man's face.

Science doesn't go unpunished, he decided to get revenge.

And in general, this old man. Did he burn down the port alone? Is he a pyromaniac? Or are there still residents in the city, and they betrayed him?

The strongest Blacks were chosen to pull the ships, and Agler was not overlooked.

Who chose? I thought Agler was the commander here...
Over time, utter horror. They reached the forest an hour or two after lunch, and reached it by midnight. They left with the ships at lunchtime and reached it in a few hours before sunset. How is that even possible?

the devil's stone, holding the mask, would not let it go.

What stone? What mask? What are you talking about?

I agree with the Werewolf, if you want criticism, don't say that we don't understand "your style".

I read the first part of the work, and surprisingly, although it has some errors, it has a certain logic. There is none of that here. There isn't even much to laugh about in the first part, except perhaps this:

everything was as usual: the soldiers of fiery rock always killed everyone in sight.

But overall, it's passable. The second part won't work, and if you read my and Vervolkin's posts, you'll understand that we've written almost all the criticism for you. And yes, the mask in the first part is mentioned, but there's not a word about the "devil's stone." And in general, apart from the main character, there is no connection between the two parts, even in terms of the plot.

Devilstone

The Devilstone will be explained in the book: The Devilstone, or Ferhain, is a stone that contains a fragment of a devil. Any weapon or armor created with even a small amount of this stone allows its owner to control the mind of the wearer of the armor/weapon. The effect of the Devilstone can only be broken with the Angelstone.

Added 1 minute ago

Thanks, that was funny.

You're welcome.

Added 8 minutes ago

What's going on.
Okay, about the quotes: that's not how you speak or write. It's not in Russian. Got it?
About the meaning: I didn't understand it. And you couldn't explain it to me clearly. So, it's written unclearly. Okay?

P.S. This is just my personal opinion, really.

You see, if I start explaining the meaning, I'll end up back at the very beginning of the Otherworld, or even the entire history of its inhabitants, starting with the Garden Archipelago. And that would be a long, boring, and even more incomprehensible story.

Moderated: OFF-TOPIC in the message

The Devil's Stone will be explained in the book.

Again, here's an example of why you shouldn't write something without context. I don't know what will be in the book; I only know what you wrote. And based on what you wrote, everything should be clear to me.

I didn't like that you called creation, regardless of its quality, "pointless".

You have a habit of taking phrases out of context. Just like that paragraph from "War and Peace" I mentioned. I didn't write that creation is pointless; I wrote: "Why write something that contains no meaning?" And this phrase was used in the context that the meaning of what was written will only reach us if we find out everything that is going on in Blacky's head.

I don't really want to read and break this text down into quotes across a screen and a half,

A good position. I don't want to break down the text, but I can argue with those who have taken it upon themselves to do so. The only question is, what is the point of this argument? First express your own opinion, then comment on mine. Another question: what would you have written?

Next, Black, special for you, I'm criticizing without trolling.

And you're laughing at Agler. Yes, he really collapsed holding his stomach and forehead (or rather, the mask), but there's nothing funny about that here, and none of his people could have beaten him.

Yeah. And he woke up from a kick to the jaw. Nobody could have beaten him. Tell me, do you get woken up like that often?

the road was small, small in the sense that they drove quickly.

Not "long". In that sense, in Russian, it is written as "не длинной".

they of course didn't know that there were 40000 of them

I'm not nitpicking the 40000, for that matter. Percentages, my ignorant friend. Percentages. Where on earth did the percentages come from there?

The goal of the Blacks was to destroy the Mailers; for this, they had to get to Bodgvar, or in the best case, Lancet.

Again, where in what you've put up for our judgment is this written? We aren't reading your thoughts.

Now let's go over what I wrote once more:

- Is everything alright with you, lord? - a warrior asked him

To hell with the question mark. The person, or whatever he is, as you wrote, "collapsed holding his stomach and forehead". No one asks him how they can help or "what's wrong with you". They ask him if everything is "alright". If I were Agler, I'd answer:
- Yes, everything is fine, maracuya, I just like walking hunched over! Idiots!

In an instant, several images flashed before Agler. Everything became clearer, the pain vanished.

What images? Why did the pain vanish from understanding something?

In the year 538 of the era of suffering, a dark camp was set up near a port city,

As I already wrote, the style here is as if you're talking about the past, and then you suddenly jump to the present.

In the year 538 of the era of suffering, a dark camp was set up near a port city, a spy was sent without delay.

Analyzing the sentence as a whole doesn't provide an understanding of the situation. Yes, it became clear to me that the action is happening now, that it's currently the year 538, and that the camp is near a port city. But what spy and where was he sent? Is the city friendly to the darks or not? Was the spy sent from the city or from the dark camp? And where was he sent? If a camp of hostile darks is set up near the city, then no one will be let into the city, and it's better to use a scout rather than a spy.

- Well, whether we want it or not, we will have to take the city even at the cost of lives... We'll begin the attack at night.

The phrase isn't bad, filled with a moderate amount of pathos, but you don't write where and how it's mentioned. Therefore, reread once more what I wrote about it in the previous post.

- Yes, lord. - Agler's voice sounded in his head.

Why does Agler's voice sound in his own head? If he answered the Lord mentally, then write it that way, otherwise it's literally a split personality.

Agler lowered the knife, stepped back and began to wait for the words of Andargan's messenger.

Where did the messenger come from? Or was he the one who woke him with a kick to the jaw? Quite a messenger then, doesn't value Agler at all; it will be impossible to bring such people under control without a massacre, and likely even with one. Judge for yourself: Barack Obama comes to a meeting with Medvedev and immediately gives Medvedev a kick to the jaw! What the hell kind of negotiations are those after that?

The lord of the waves himself came out to meet them. Without words, Agler understood what Andargan had planned, everything was becoming simpler.

But I didn't understand. And none of the readers understood. There's a guess that Andargan decided to fight 1 on 1, but where is the development of the situation? Why does it then say:

The garrison army has now donned dark attire, the defeat of the enemy was inevitable...

Which garrison's army donned dark attire? Why does this contribute to the enemy's defeat? What happened to Andargan?

Yes, there are many moments, I don't have time for everything right now. I'll quote myself once more, read it and think.

This old man. Did he burn the port single-handedly? Or are there still residents in the city and they betrayed him?

The time is an absolute horror. They reached the forest in an hour plus Agler's nap after lunch, they arrived by midnight. On the way back, dragging ships, straining so hard that old wounds reopened and blood started flowing (flowing, not "crawling"! Monsters crawl out of dark holes!), they left at lunch and arrived a few hours before sunset. How is that even possible? Is there no sunset there, a midnight sun? What's with these dances with time?

And who chose Agler to pull the ships? If Agler is the commander here, then only he himself could have taken this upon himself, but in your version they "chose and did not bypass Agler"...

Yeah, the meaning is hard to grasp. And I spent so long looking for this story in a pile of random posts... I won't criticize it, because I don't really understand it (I can't criticize something I don't understand). For example:

Without words, Agler understood what Andargan had in mind; everything was becoming simpler.

Agler understood, I didn't understand. That's fine.
But this is what confused me:

70% of which were archers.

Is that an advantage? In my opinion, when more than half of an army consists of support units, it's a rather weak army.

Isn't this an advantage? In my opinion, an army with more than half support units is a rather weak army.

And what about a wall against an army without rams and catapults?

Added 3 hours 20 minutes ago
Well, I won't rewrite the second part and will continue the story, trying to take your objections into account.
P.S. What is written in bold in parentheses is an explanation of what I think might be unclear.

As it turned out, the ship, at an enormous speed (This is a fantasy world where a ship weighing many tons can quite possibly travel at a speed of one hundred kilometers per hour (it just takes a long time to accelerate).), crashed onto the shore, hitting a tower. Blacky and the others got out of the ship and looked around. There was a port, an abandoned port.
- What the hell?! Where are all the people?! - Agler shouted angrily.
- My lord, don't be angry, please! - The servant standing next to Agler squeaked (I said "Agler," not "him," because you'll start again: "with whom? With himself?").
The servant knew what Agler did when he was angry with the first person he came across (Agler was one of those people with mental health issues, and when angry, he needed to kill someone) (I explained it specifically for you).
- What did you squeak, you little bug?! Not angry?! Well, live for now, but you have to fulfill one of my orders. - Agler said.
- Thank you, master! - The servant said, falling to his knees. - But what do I need to do? (To be honest, the image of the servant is based on Starscream from Transformers; he's the same scoundrel.)
- I'll give you a week; I need all the information about the port's inhabitants. Look for remaining traces, question the peasants, steal information from the archives, but find out where the inhabitants are! - Agler said with contempt in his eyes.
Three days passed, and the servant ran to Agler, fully confident that he had learned everything he needed, but how wrong he was!
- My lord, - the servant shouted, falling to his knees, - I found out, I found out everything. The people left here when Lord Andargan swore allegiance to you; they are training in the schools of the Deer Duchy in shooting academies. They are gathering a militia to kill us and execute Lord Andargan for treason, but there is also good news. A rare type of plague that affects horses is spreading in the empire; the warriors of the Deer Duchy are mostly cavalry, and they only demonstrate skill with weapons while on horseback, and...
- That's enough! - Agler said dryly. - Execute him.
- But why, my lord? What have I done? I beg you, don't touch me; I'll do anything you ask! - The servant began to plead.
- Get out of here, you scum! People like you can't be trusted! Today you're with me, tomorrow you'll be in the enemy army, begging their general for mercy. - Agler said, not even looking at the servant.

Well, that's the whole third part. I know it's even worse than the previous ones.

Well done! Awesome! Keep up the good work! I haven't read the story, but I believe in you!!! And also, what was it called again, ah, here it is: EXCELLENT!!

Heh. I didn't explain it correctly. I deliberately didn't read the bold text. Let's start:

flying into the tower

Explain what the tower is. I assume it's an observation post, possibly a guard post in the port on the shore, but it's better to clarify.

but there is also good news.

You missed a word or made a typo.

weapon proficiency only manifests on horseback

What computer game are we talking about again? Maybe it's better to say that they are used to fighting on horseback and are not as effective without them?

The plot is worse, but the logic is better than in the second one.

Overall, all three times it was correct. They are trained to fight on horseback, and I made a typo – the tower is indeed an outpost.

Added 3 minutes later
And yes, to be honest, the division into parts arose out of laziness, as I didn't want to write everything at once. And if I were to divide it into parts, I would add taking Danargan to it.

Dear forum members! Please assess my creative talent by reading my review of 3 heroes: http://mykorob.ucoz.ru/publ/igry/obzor_heroes_of_might_and_magic_iii_the_restoration_of_erathia/5-1-0-53