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Simas;154994
2Zeratul
I was only unsettled by the word “partners”. It feels too earthly, too real... I can't think of a replacement yet... maybe it's fine, but I don't like it...


I will try to replace it, colleague.
Dracon Mallasa, dear colleague, I fully agree with colleague Simas. My apologies, it seems you didn't post your excerpt in full right away, and I took the liberty of reworking it slightly. I will present this version a bit later. Colleagues! A complication has arisen. Yesterday, from a complete stranger, I learned that our excerpts are periodically posted on outside websites that have nothing to do with us. Perhaps I am missing something, but since we don't even have a work yet, only sketches, isn't it too early? I would like to know if none of us are involved in this, or if someone is suddenly developing a "star sickness," although there shouldn't be any grounds for that.

Added after 37 minutes
I confess, I couldn't fully process this excerpt; the author pushes the elf's knowledge of the vampire class too hard and makes excessive use of it. Colleague, I must remind you once again – do not insert your own knowledge into your character's head. You end up with an elf who is not young, but already seasoned by experience.
“At the sight of the strangers, the word 'vampire' suddenly surfaced in Silbern's head. This word was unfamiliar, yet despite that, it reeked of carrion. Warriors similar to these had only just attacked the elves today. The newcomers' faces were a deathly blue color (despite the night?) with empty eyes in which there was not a drop of life. Eyes are the mirror of the soul. But these eyes reflected no soul, because there was none.
Both were of the same height, slightly taller than the young ranger himself. One of them held a bloody sword in his hand, upon which strange words were inscribed. Silbern did not know this language, but he was certain that this language was not for the living. But the young elf was most shocked by the blood on the sword. This meant that several sentries would not be able to rejoice in the rising sun (or perhaps the vampires killed not the sentries, but, for example, a few bunnies or squirrels?). The hair of the vampire with the sword was braided into a ponytail. A wicked smirk snaked across the stranger's face (the dead have no emotions, therefore, there is no point in smiling). He enjoyed killing (emotion again), and if he saw our hero now, he would kill him too. He, like his partner, wore no armor. It seemed they had come to kill someone and disappear quickly. And armor is merely an unnecessary burden that would be a hindrance in this case (the dead do not feel weight). Both sported long black cloaks that would help their dead masters hide in the night. The second of the arrivals was also in a cloak (repetition), but his blade was in its scabbard, and the scabbard was slung across his back, so that only the hilt protruded from behind his left shoulder. In his right hand, he held a strange curved dagger, the hilt of which was decorated with a skull whose eye sockets glowed with a sinister red fire. A ring with a green stone, inside which some shadows writhed, encircled the index finger of his left hand. Silbern was ready to rush at the vampires and avenge the murder of his brethren, but he understood all too well how dangerous it was. He might not even have time to make a single swing of his blades before the vampire's cursed sword pierced his heart. He had seen how swift vampires were in combat during today's battle. Moreover, by all appearances, these two were clear professionals, trained to fight and kill for more than one century (overdoing it – the elf does not know the lifespan of vampires). Silbern knew of only five elven warriors capable of facing a vampire. These were legendary heroes, whose names, however, could be of little help to the young elf in the current situation. Only druids – the faithful priests of Silanna – could fight vampires fearlessly (so, only five druids can fight?)). Others had to be on guard every second when struggling against these dead warriors.
The two arrivals headed deep into the forest with a quick step. Silbern noted with surprise how silently they moved. Perhaps in a past life (where does the information about a past life come from?) they themselves had been elves and some skills remained. After some time, they all (all? There are only two if vampires are meant) reached the palace of Hilael. Both vampires noticed the archer guard posts before the guards noticed them (so, the guards did notice the vampires after all?). They bypassed these posts very skillfully and, to Silbern's great surprise, began to climb deftly up the tree. They didn't even break a single branch, so as not to create unnecessary noise (colleague, this creates an association not with an elf, but with a monkey. Climbing a tree doesn't necessarily mean breaking branches)! Our young elf also began to climb up the tree, but from the other side. He was terrified, for these two, by all appearances, had decided to finish off Hilael, as they were stubbornly climbing up to his palace. Silbern didn't manage to crawl up before the vampires... When he leaped onto the platform, a battle was already in full swing. Our hero, without thinking, rushed into the fight...
Colleague, the excerpt is frankly "raw," but I like the idea. Although, if you want to make this battle a scene where Hilael selects an emissary, then vampires are overkill. They are undead and obey only a Necromancer, and Hilael is not suited for such a specialty. So, if the skirmish is inspired by Hilael, then other characters should be put in the role of the attackers. Let's say, some outcast druids. But these are only assumptions.
In reply to Zeratul
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Yesterday, I learned from a completely unrelated person that our excerpts are periodically posted on unrelated websites that have nothing to do with us.

Ask your informant to contact the administration (moderator, admin) of the website(s) where he saw the excerpts. The administration will be obliged to remove them… Especially if the excerpts are posted without attribution. Are they posted without attribution, or how?
But honestly, I'm not surprised – it's the easiest thing to do on the internet… Are all the new excerpts appearing, or only specific ones? Because if they are specific (by one author), it might even be the author himself…? In any case, you should contact the administration of those websites – let them sort it out and delete them… And don't forget to check if they followed through…

Also, at my request, "Mrac" agreed to try drawing illustrations for some of the excerpts (the ones I already mentioned, and he will choose what he likes and can draw). So…

By the way, there is still no description of Albin – dark, slightly developing hair and dark eyes are not enough for a description. Please provide a description of the dark one – the artist needs it. And it would also be good to have a description of Calgia. "Elder" is not enough. What is his hair like? Does he have long hair and a beard, or is he bald as a kneecap, with a wrinkled face like a prune? We need a more detailed description… And if possible, descriptions of the other rulers… You can send them privately to the artist so he can use them as a reference…

Sincerely, Simas
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Simas;155752

By the way, there is still no description of Albin – dark, slightly developing hair and dark eyes are not enough for the description. Please provide a description of the Dark One – the artist needs it. And it would be nice to have a description of Calgia as well. The term "elder" is not sufficient. What is his hair like? Does he have long hair and a beard, or is he bald as a kneecap, and his face is wrinkled like a prune? We need a description… And if possible, descriptions of the other rulers… We can send it privately to the artist so that he can use it as a reference…

Sincerely, Simas
Colleague, thank you very much to you and the artist. I can't say anything about the Dark One – it's not my character, but I imagine the Archmage as a venerable elder, like in Leonardo da Vinci's engraving. I will try to roughly create a verbal description of the other mages – the Pillars.
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Well, I'll try to give a description of Albin. As already mentioned, he had dark eyes and slightly flowing hair, the length of which was just below his shoulders, and the color transitioned from black to purple. He was quite slender and agile. He wasn't particularly athletic; his arms were strong and agile, but they didn't have a beautiful muscular relief. He didn't have any jewelry at the time he graduated from the Invisible Hand school. He had a small scar on his chest, received by accident from one of his classmates during training.
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The lands of the elves.
Not far from Glenger lay the evergreen and beautiful forests of the elves. By a twist of fate, Albin's path led exactly to those lands—specifically to the Grove where he was heading and which Hilael ruled. For many centuries, the elves had treated the forest with great care. They cherish every leaf of every tree, every bee pollinating the flowers.
Everything that grows from the earth is sacred to the elves. Even the most withered trees, often found in the lifeless and stunted lands of the Necromancers, can be brought back to life by the elves. For Silanna, nothing is impossible for her loyal servants of the forest. Silanna is capable of reviving any dead tree, any flower, and even a bee. But the elves are obliged to carefully preserve the forest and all its inhabitants so as not to anger Mother Earth. Yet the elves could never merge with the forest in a single harmony and exist as one whole. The cause of everything was war. War had settled seriously and for a long time in these lands. Despite the fact that in ancient times the demon lord was defeated and his ring shattered, the elves could not feel completely safe. There were constant conflicts with other races. Everyone needs timber, but the elves will never allow the forest to be cut down. Because of this, the peace-loving and friendly inhabitants of the forest had endless conflicts, and sometimes armed clashes, with other representatives of the races. It was under such difficult conditions that the elves created schools of the combat sword dance. The need for this arose when it became absolutely clear that while elven archers, famous for their unsurpassed accuracy and suddenness of shot, attack from a distance, someone must fight directly in close combat; otherwise, there was a huge risk of destroying an already small army of archers. Of course, the forces of the elves have ents and unicorns at their disposal, but these are inhabitants of the forest, children of Silanna, whom the wood elves swore to protect until the last drop of blood. And therefore they resort to their help very rarely, only when mortal danger threatens the forest. And if their dark brethren were ruled by seductive and cruel Shadow Witches, the inhabitants of the forest preferred to rely on the wise Druids, tempered in battles with the enemies of the forest. These are just and devoted servants of Silanna—the Goddess Mother Earth.

But recently, a battle with the undead took place in the Grove. The fight was short but extremely brutal and bloody. What happened affected everyone and knocked the peaceful life of the wood elves out of its usual rut. And while High Druid Hilael secluded himself in his council chamber, discussions about the event did not subside among the other elves. Elves—from the very young to experienced men and women—helped the wounded, buried the dead, restored the mutilated nature of their forests and, of course, discussed what had happened, putting forward various versions of the attack...
A young elf named Silbern, practically a graduate and the pride of the combat dance school, also took part in clearing up after the battle. Attentive and taciturn, he silently listened to the conversations of others and sadly collected the weapons of fallen elven warriors,
to take them to the armories.

Silbern was an extraordinary student. From his first year of training, he was distinguished by persistence and tenacity in studying the complex and graceful technique of the combat dance. Standing about 6 feet tall, slender and strong, some might have considered him a handsome youth. His long white hair, according to the custom of war dancers, was braided into a plait. A fringe fell over his young and daring face, which hungered for adventure. To a lock of hair above his left eye, a string with a silver leaf was tied. A small emerald, like a drop of dew on a flower, adorned this leaf. This was the only thing that reminded Silbern of his parents who died prematurely when pirates-orcs attacked their ship. The young elf himself was at home then under the care of his grandfather. His grandfather had once been a glorious archer and therefore taught his grandson to be proficient with flexible elven bows. But Silbern preferred the mastery of the beautiful elven sword dance over simply being skilled with a bow.

Now, however, Silbern was as shocked by what happened as everyone else. The battle took place right under Hilael's palace, which was located in the very depths of the Grove. From this, it can be concluded that the enemy had advanced very far. Losses were enormous. About 30 archers died, slightly more than 2 dozen sword dancers, and some 2 dozen fairies and dryads. Furthermore, an ent who stood in the way of the undead was destroyed. 2 Abominations and a dozen and a half zombies hacked him to pieces. In addition, something happened that drove all the elves into a frenzy—one of the unicorns was killed. Elves revere unicorns as sacred animals. They are certain that the elven race will exist as long as at least 1 unicorn lives, and therefore
the killing of a unicorn is considered by the elves to be the most terrible crime against their people and their goddess Silanna. Additionally, 2 druids and 1 elder of the druids perished, which made the entire forest folk think seriously. The losses of the undead were nearly three times greater, but they are dead and can be raised from the fallen living; moreover, the very fact of their invasion was baffling. Their goals and intentions were completely incomprehensible.

On the evening of the same day, after such sorrowful work as burying the fallen and delivering the wounded to the infirmary, Silbern decided to walk through the Grove. He wanted to rest from today's worries: listen to the chirping of crickets, observe the night moths, sit by a clear spring. Walking through the Grove, he could not get today's attack out of his head. It fit into no logic whatsoever.
—Stop! Don't move!— suddenly reached him from nowhere, —What are you doing here?
He guessed that this was one of the camouflaged guard posts.
—I am Silbern the elf. I'm just walking and wandered here by accident. I'm leaving,— the young elf rightly decided that since there were guards here, it was unsafe to stay; moreover, no one had the right to distract a sentry. The guard usually consisted of camouflaged archers who had orders to destroy anyone attempting to cross the forest border.
Our hero wandered further. Descending the slope to a small stream, he drank clean spring water and looked at the gold fish swimming fearlessly in the transparent water. He had almost stopped thinking about today's battle when he suddenly heard a strange rustle. At first, Silbern thought it was the enemies again, but remembered that no one could sneak into the Grove past the posts unnoticed. He immediately decided it was someone from the elves who, like him, had decided to walk to the spring. Being by nature not a very cheerful or bored elf, for some reason he felt a strong urge to hide and jokingly scare whoever had come. Fortunately, there were thickets of bushes slightly higher up the slope. Our hero climbed up to them and lay in wait. This time fortune helped Silbern, whispering to him that he should hide. Two vampires appeared in the clearing...

Silbern could not be mistaken. It was definitely them. Warriors resembling these had attacked the elves only today. Of course, all vampires have different faces, but they have something in common—they are all a deathly blue color. With empty eyes that contain not a drop of life. Eyes are the mirror of the soul. Their eyes did not reflect a soul because there was none.
Both were the same height as Silbern. One of them held a bloody sword in his hand, upon which strange, jagged letters were inscribed. Silbern did not know this language. The dead prefer this font. But most of all, the young elf was shocked by the blood on the sword. This meant that several sentries would not be able to rejoice in the rising sun. The hair of the vampire with the sword was tied in a ponytail. A wicked smirk snaked across his face. He loved to kill, and if he saw our hero now, he would kill him too. Like his partner, he wore absolutely no armor. It seemed they had come to kill someone and disappear quickly. Silbern thought this because for reconnaissance, the dead usually use lower-rank warriors. Silbern was taught this knowledge in the combat dance school; he could not only fight but also understand something about battle theory and much more. And armor is just an extra burden that would be a hindrance in this case. Both wore long black cloaks that would help their dead masters vanish into the night. The second one's blade was in its scabbard, and the scabbard was slung across his back so that only the hilt protruded from behind his left shoulder. In his right hand, he held a strange curved dagger whose hilt was adorned with a skull with eye sockets glowing red. The index finger of his left hand wore a ring with a green stone inside which some shadows flickered. Silbern was ready to rush at the vampires and avenge the murder of his brethren, but he understood too well how dangerous this was. He might not even have time to make a single swing of his blades before the vampire's cursed sword pierced his heart. That is how swift vampires were in battle. During the day in the Grove, he had already seen what these strangers were capable of. Moreover, by all appearances, these two were clear professionals who had trained to fight and kill for more than one century. Silbern knew that vampires exist for a very long time. Only druids—the faithful priests of Silanna—could fight vampires fearlessly. Others had to be on guard every second when struggling against these dead warriors.
The two arrivals headed deep into the forest with a quick step. Silbern noted with surprise how silently they moved. Perhaps in a past life they themselves were elves and some skills remained. After some time, they all reached Hilael's palace. Both vampires noticed the archer guard posts. They bypassed these posts very skillfully and, to Silbern's great surprise, began to deftly climb up a tree. They didn't even break a single branch so as not to create unnecessary noise! Our young elf also began to climb up the tree, but from another side. He was terrified, for it seemed these two had decided to finish off Hilael! Silbern was sure that the magic protecting Hilael's palace would destroy the uninvited guests as soon as they touched it, but this did not happen. And then it dawned on Silbern: the magical ring on the finger of one of the vampires blocked the tree's magic. And the vampires stubbornly climbed up to his palace. Silbern didn't manage to crawl up before the vampires... When he jumped onto the platform, a battle was already in full swing. Our hero, without thinking, rushed into the fight...
The entrance was guarded by four archers; one of them was a bow master—that is, someone who after long trials and faithful service to Silanna receives a new, more durable bow and special enchanted arrows. The others were not newcomers, but had not yet served up to the higher rank held by their commander. Both vampires leaped onto the platform like two swift shadows. One of the archers hesitated for a moment, and the dead man's sword immediately found his heart. The commander of the archers reacted instantly, performing a side roll and firing two arrows at the uninvited guest. The vampire staggered and fell to one knee. Two other archers fired their arrows at the second vampire; as Silbern noticed, one of them shot sluggishly, as if wanting to miss. The second vampire dodged the arrows and, closing the distance, slashed with his sword. Fortunately, one of the archers managed to jump back, and the sword merely cut his bow into two pieces. The second archer received a glancing blow from the sword to the knee and fell—fortunately not down from the height, but simply onto the edge of the platform. The vampire made another swing, but the sword did not reach its target. Silbern parried the attack with one blade and made a thrust into the opponent's left side with the second. Meanwhile, the second vampire somehow managed to get up and, with his last strength, rushed at the bow master; the latter didn't have time to fire, and the dead warrior slashed him in the liver area. The commander of the archers realized he would bleed out and decided to perform one last service for Silanna. He drew his dagger and plunged it hilt-deep into the vampire's dead body and, gripping it tightly, plummeted down together with him. The second one became quite infuriated that he could not reach his intended goal because of some blade dancer. He leaped back sharply, grabbed the archer whose bow he had broken, and began to drink his blood. Having restored his strength, he knocked Silbern off his feet with a sharp blow from the hilt of the sword. Below, having already heard the thud of falling bodies, alarmed elves were gradually gathering, realizing that some strangers had decided to break into Hilael's palace through the back entrance. Some began to climb up rapidly to help their ruler. The remaining vampire realized he could not linger and rushed toward the door. With a swing of his blade, Silbern pinned the stranger's cloak to the platform.
In reply to Dracon Малласа
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Not far from Glenge, there were evergreen and beautiful elven forests.
"evergreen" together
By a strange coincidence, it was through these lands that Albin's path led, right to the Grove where he was headed and where Hilael ruled.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that if it "led through," it should be "through these," not "in these." Or "through them"... You could also write "lay" or "led"...
Everything that grows on the earth is sacred to the elves.
"that grows on the earth" separated by commas
They are sure that the elven race will exist as long as at least one unicorn lives, and therefore, the killing of a unicorn, elves consider the most terrible crime against their people and their goddess, Silanna.
Bring "killing" closer to "therefore" so there is no break...
Both of them wore long black cloaks, which would help their undead masters hide in the night.
masters
The others had to be constantly on guard when fighting these undead warriors.
warriors
And then Silberna realized that the magical ring on the finger of one of the vampires blocked the magic of the tree. And the vampires stubbornly climbed up to his palace.
Um... In the first sentence, "the ring blocked the magic of the tree," and in the second, "they climbed up to his palace"... Logically, it turns out that the vampires were climbing to the palace of the tree, because there is no mention of Hilael in the previous sentence... It needs to be changed to "to the palace of the High Elf" or Hilael or the High Druid or something like that...
When he jumped onto the platform, the battle was already in full swing.
"in full swing" together
He drew his dagger and thrust the hilt into the dead body of the vampire and, firmly grasping it , fell down with him.
add commas where indicated...
The second one was quite enraged that he could not reach his intended target because of some blade dancer. He sharply stepped back from him, grabbed an archer, broke his bow, and began to drink his blood.
Drinking blood from a body is not the same as drinking from a cup. You can't do it in half a second. Do you have any younger siblings? In any case, if possible, get a pacifier and a baby bottle somewhere - try to drink at least half a bottle and check how long it takes. Divide the result by half - as if vampires are more skilled and faster in this matter... In any case, it will not take less than 30 seconds. I think so. And even in 5-10 seconds, Silberna can quite realistically jump up and strike... He simply could not stand there all the time and wait for the vampire to finish drinking...
It is another matter that the vampire could become invulnerable while drinking, like a Blood Drake... In short, Silberna should definitely have struck the vampire while he was taking a sip of fresh blood... He could strike and be surprised that the vampire's blow seems to have no effect on him - for example, the wound begins to heal right before his eyes... And then the vampire breaks away from the victim and knocks Silberna down with the hilt, who is staring in surprise at how quickly the wound from his blade heals on the vampire... Clear, right?
Below, already hearing the sound of falling bodies, alarmed elves gradually gathered, who realized that someone from the strangers had decided to break into Hilael's palace through the back entrance.
Well, let's say, the falling ones could be noticed even in flight. It's another matter that they could fall faster than anyone could realize... And "gradually" is generally a slow action. Guests can gather for a holiday gradually - some arrive at three, others at three-ten, others at three-forty, and gradually by four everyone has gathered...

That's all. I don't see any other mistakes for now.

Sincerely, Simas...
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Thank you for the feedback, I will take it into account and try to improve. By the way, has everyone seen that DinHot posted a new excerpt in the "Book" thread? I recommend everyone to read it.
Чую время пришло и захлопнулась дверь
Ангел пропел и полопалась кожа...
Мы выпили жизнь, но не стали мудрей,
Мы прожили смерть, но не стали моложе...

Агата Кристи
Ты должен быть сильным,
Ты должен уметь сказать: Руки прочь, прочь от меня,
Ты должен быть сильным, иначе зачем тебе быть?!

КИНО
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Colleagues, please accept my apologies for the long absence – I had internet connection issues. I read the excerpt by colleague Dragon Mallassa. It's good, but I've already sent him a message through a private channel. I sincerely apologize to colleague Simas and would like to wholeheartedly congratulate her on March 8th. I wish her to remain as intelligent, beautiful, and kind as she is. I hope our collaboration will continue.
In reply to Zeratul
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2Zeratul: Thank you!

I also want to thank the administration – I’m encountering for the first time that on a forum, flowers are personally sent to users as a congratulation. It was pleasant, I have no words)))

P.S.: Regarding Dinhot’s text – I understand that this is the one about the dwarf caravan? I will probably give it a review tomorrow... I wanted to do it today – I wrote for two hours, and then I accidentally pressed something, and the page jumped to another one, and all the text disappeared... I almost broke my computer. I’m very angry... sorry...

Now, for the edits:
Finally, after all these years, he had the opportunity to see them, of course, only after completing the task.
A comma is missing after “of course”...
Albin climbed down to the ground, and as soon as he passed through the sphere, it dissolved.
??! I read it over and over, but I still couldn’t understand the sentence...
The staircase led him further down, winding like a snake, and finally led to an exit – a small opening that, from a distance, could have looked like an arch.
I added commas where needed...
He walked under it, and it immediately became brighter.
So, the opening could have looked like an arch, or was it definitely an arch?
Before, it was as dark as night, and only during the day did thin rays of light bounce off the ceiling onto the rocky floor.
“As night” is a comparison – highlight it with commas...
But after the Axe War, when these lands began to be developed, a lady always traveled with the workers who were building the roads.
It turns out that the lady traveled with the roads that were being built by the workers... At least correct it like this:
But after the Axe War, when these lands began to be developed, the lady always traveled with the workers who were building the roads.
Albin went further; the roads of the elves were quite busy, so simply walking along them, after some time, one could already travel in a carriage.
That is, I understand correctly – first the road is narrow, only for pedestrians, and then it becomes wider and a carriage can already pass? Do elves and everyone else have to leave their carriages before reaching the arch-opening-exit and continue on foot?
I suggest rewriting it:
Albin went further; the roads of the elves were quite busy – so that both a pedestrian and a carriage could easily travel.
Albin was lucky; when he reached the main road, he saw a caravan standing there. He loaded his crossbow, just in case they were bandits.
I added the missing commas...
And he walked towards them with quick steps, so that his gray cloak billowed behind him.
It should be “billowed” – from the word “to billow,” not “development”...
When he approached the camp, he saw dwarves; it’s strange, they have withdrawn into seclusion.
“When he approached the camp” is a participial phrase; highlight it with a comma.
Well, the main thing is that now I can get to Glenger much faster.
Is this what Albin is thinking, or is he saying it? Commas or dashes are needed...
When Albin wanted to approach the camp, a hand of a huge dwarf fell on his shoulder, so heavy that Albin almost fell under its weight.
Albin is tall.
- Where are you going? – the bass of the dwarf rumbled, twice as high as that of an ordinary dwarf.
A comma is needed before “than.” It’s a comparison.
- I’m going to the main one; I want to travel with you to Glenger. – he said, barely catching his breath from the weight.
“Barely catching his breath from the weight” is a participial phrase; highlight it with commas...
- Eh – he waved his hand – you’ve come, old man, – he shouted so that the ground trembled, and went away.
A comma is needed after “ground”...
From somewhere, a stocky dwarf with a white beard, billowing in the wind as he ran, ran out.
See the note about the cloak...

-
I would like to travel with you to Glenger. – and, overtaking this dwarf, he said – I can become your personal guard.
Highlight “overtaking this dwarf” with commas... It’s an introductory phrase.
One of them rushed at the huge dwarf and, tearing off his left arm, was thrown against a stone and breathed his last.
Highlight “tearing off his left arm” with commas. You can’t throw something “at a stone.” You can throw it “on a stone” or “against a stone.” You can throw something “into the water” so that the body is submerged in it... These are errors in the text, but in general, the sentence needs to be revised – it doesn’t make sense to me personally (I’m not responsible for others)... I still need to think about it...
Another, tearing apart several dwarves, rushed at the elder, but only a severed head with a bolt piercing it flew to his feet.
Highlight “tearing apart several dwarves” with commas; a comma is also needed before “but.” Hmm... firstly, the sentence is constructed in such a way that “to his feet” refers to the demon

Another (he), tearing apart several dwarves, rushed at the elder (that one), but to his (he, his...) feet...
Replace “But to the dwarf’s feet” then there will definitely be no inconsistencies with this)

Secondly, I can’t imagine how a head can be cut off with a crossbow bolt. Or did Albin first shoot, and then ran up and cut it off? You need to describe it accordingly, otherwise it’s too fast, as if frames from a filmstrip were cut out...

That’s all for now. In general, I liked it. The dwarves turned out to be very colorful with their dialogues and conversations, and in general, the description of the journey is at a good level, but the fight was lacking. It started well and ended badly. Rewrite, correct, add))

Sincerely, Simas
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I apologize for the long absence! Here I am.
During this time, I shared the idea with people from the company, and we are making steady progress. Our design director has drawn a portrait of one of the demons (I don't remember the name, although I helped create it), and a piece of the plot is ready, but I can't post it yet... because we don't have fully completed parts yet. But as soon as we do, I will.
I've got a hole in my pocket!
© Ринго Старр




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Thanks, Simas, for the corrections, even if it's late, but happy March 8th!
Albin dismounted and, after passing through the sphere, it dissolved.
??! I read and reread it, but I still couldn't understand the sentence…


I'll rephrase:
Albin dismounted and, after passing through the sphere, which dissolved upon his touch, he walked towards the underground entrance. That's better, right?

So, the opening could have looked like an arch, or was it definitely an arch?

The opening looked like an arch.

And also, about the dwarf
I rephrased:

One of them lunged at the huge dwarf, tearing off his left arm, was thrown back, and, crashing into the stone, exhaled.
Another, having torn apart several dwarves, rushed at the elder, but only a severed head with a bolt piercing it flew to the dwarf's feet. At this time, Albin, wiping the demonic blood from his sword, began to reload his crossbow.
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".
In reply to DinHot
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Thanks, Simas, for the corrections, even if it's late, but happy March 8th!
:smile26:
Albin dismounted and, passing through the sphere that dissolved upon his touch, walked towards the underground entrance.
That's much better. Just fix the typo in the word "пощел" now.

Another one, having torn through several dwarves, rushed at the leader, but only a severed head, pierced by a bolt, flew to the dwarf's feet. Meanwhile, Albin, wiping the smoking demonic blood from his sword, began to reload his crossbow.

I thought about it and came to two conclusions:
1) Albin fired, and since one bolt couldn't have stopped the demon (it could still have been moving by inertia, for example), in the next moment his sword cut off the demon's head, and that's how it could have happened that the head was cut off and pierced by a bolt... In this case, it should be specified that Albin wasn't loading, but RELOADING his crossbow.

2) someone from the caravan shot the demon in the head, and Albin just helped, finishing the fight with his sword... and then he started loading his crossbow... Should something be changed or added here too?

Which of the options?... But the first one is easier, of course - just replace it with "reloading" and that's it
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Colleagues, hello everyone! How are things going? Please excuse my long absence; I was dealing with some issues. I've read the latest updates. Overall, it's not bad, but colleagues, you are deviating from the general direction of the work. A question for DinHot: I couldn't find the hunter's battle with the hydra in the edited version. If there are any doubts, let's resolve them openly. We don't have a dictatorship here, but a free community of authors. Best regards, Zeratul.
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Hello Zeratul. I think it would be better to move the excerpt with the hunter to chapter 4; I just forgot to mention it. For now, it's better to forget about it. Otherwise, too many storylines emerge at once. It's better to start and complete them gradually. And I found these excerpts, and they are edited and stored on my computer. Simas: Option 1 is better. And also... Another one, having torn apart several dwarves, rushed at the elder, but only a severed head with a bolt piercing it flew to the dwarf's feet. Meanwhile, Albin, wiping the demon blood from his sword, reloaded his crossbow. Albin dismounted and, passing through the sphere, which dissolved from his touch, walked towards the underground entrance.
Просто человек, ищущий свой путь. Когда-нибудь он отыщется и я с наслаждением скажу - "Я шел тобою все это время!".

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