Posts from What if we tried to create a movie script together!

Gentlemen, the idea is simply fantastic! And what makes me even happier is that there are steps for its implementation. If you allow, I would like to participate in its implementation as well. For example, as a pilot reader, I promise to provide the most objective and well-reasoned criticism. Unfortunately, my current work schedule does not allow me to devote much time to this topic, but I think it will be enough for the role of a reader.

Colleagues, I suggest a continuation of the preface. The first part is already in the "Book," and it needs to be supplemented. Simas, please review the text.
«I think we must strike now,» the dwarf's booming bass added to his thought, «before the demons launch their attack first. You surface-dwellers will take on Agremay and his undead, while we dwarves will strike the main cities of Inferno with select hordes.»
«You dwarves are always drunk,» Trent interjected with his thought, «what kind of warriors against demons are you? We know better how to fight Inferno; we are unsurpassed scouts and completely unafraid of death. And who else can withstand the blow of black dragons?»
«Brothers, brothers,» the Archmage hurried with his thoughts, fearing discord caused by the unrestrained Dark One, «we must not quarrel now. We cannot waste time on empty bickering. Now…»
«Brothers,» Hilael calmly wove his thought-form, «we are currently trying to find a way out of this situation, but we are completely overlooking that if Agremay is a traitor, he may be able to hear us now, even without joining our council. I propose another path… Mind Merge.»
The Archmage shuddered. This was the second time during the current council that his forest brother had shaken him—and everyone else, judging by Trogg's suddenly distorted face and Trent's evil grimace. Mind Merge is a very unpleasant procedure where a mage must realize their astral personality within another's brain, creating a virtual double possessing the full set of the original's abilities and placing it in the head of another.
Not only must one trust this other person even more than oneself, but the original is also deprived of all their abilities for some time and must recover for quite a while after the session. And already, the Archmage realized that his own brain would be proposed as the Council hall, since none of the Pillars would agree to place their astral double in another candidate due to the innate suspiciousness of the Dark Elf. The Dark One would never agree to a dwarf's candidacy, let alone a forest brother's, so only Lecius remains, who tried to maintain warm relations with all the Pillars of the Order. But however insufferable the Dark One might be, everyone in the Order was convinced that, regardless of how Trent felt about each of them, he hated demons simply fiercely. During the last War with Inferno, every demon who fell into Trent's hands died such a horrific death that even battle-hardened warriors and mages of all races could not remain at the place of execution. And everyone was convinced that the demons also considered Trent to be the primary candidate for unconditional destruction.
«Brothers, the forest dweller is right,» the dwarf wove his thought, «after all, Agremay is not present at our Council even now. This indirectly confirms Hilael's point. But it doesn't mean that Agremay cannot hear us. The vibrations of the astral plane during the summoning of the Council are strong enough. Indeed, sufficiently powerful mages can detect them, even if they cannot decipher the meaning of the speeches. But Agremay is not just a powerful mage. He is the best among the Mages of the world's elemental component, and furthermore, he possesses a binding orb. So it is entirely possible that he can hear us now. I agree to the Merge.»
«I do too,» the Dark One gloomily added his thought, but immediately flared up again— «but I have no intention of sending my astral copy into the brain of a woodsman or to an eternally drunk dwarf!»
«Yes,» Hilael said slowly, «the only candidate who can satisfy us all is you, Lecius. And I think you realized this yourself and, I hope, agree. Although we call each other brothers, there are always some grudges, suspicions, and things left unsaid. You are not directly interested in world domination, neither yourself nor your race. So among all of us for the Merge, you are the best candidate. I vote for Lecius!»
«I agree!» thundered the dwarf.
«I agree!» the Dark Elf said quietly.
«And so—Merge!» the forest elf suddenly cried out, and in that same second, before Kalgia's inner vision, the underside of the world burst: stars rushed hither and thither, fractures of the World Crystal sparkled, darkness and light swapped places every second, celestial blue exchanged positions with the earthly firmament, lightning of all colors flared, and then a voice sounded solemnly right in the brain: «I am here!» A dark figure, wrapped in a shapeless cloak, sat at an imaginary table, as any kind of setting could be created in the mental space.
«That is Trent,» Lecius guessed. Even in his astral form, the Dark One tried to remain unrecognizable.
«I am here!» boomed the dwarf's deep bass, and a squat, powerful figure sat heavily at the table, even in the mental space.
«I am here!»—and the slender figure of the High Elf gracefully descended into a chair created by the Archmage's imagination.
«So, brothers, as host, I open the Council in Merge,» Lecius began, «and the main thing we must decide is what to do with the composite Talisman. The decision to hide it more reliably, protecting each of the parts with the most powerful and sophisticated spells—is not actually a solution, but only a postponement of the inevitable. There are no absolute spells, just as there are no perfect warriors, regardless of what our Dark brother says.
We cannot protect our parts with full certainty so that no one can use them either for their own purposes or give them to Hell for the embodiment of the Disembodied.
And although these parts are practically useless for each of us, Agremay's example shows that with appropriate nourishment, part of the energy of the amulets from which the Talisman of Hell consists can be released. This does not mean, brothers, that I suspect any of you, but the parts of the Talisman can either be stolen or taken from one of us once dead. If demons have already seeped through and reached Agremay, then they will stop at nothing to obtain the composite Talisman. The armies of Hell are strong, but as the last war showed, they can be dealt with by honest steel supported by magic. If the Disembodied is able to embody in our world, overcoming him will be a thousand times harder, if it's even possible at all. We all remember well that the last war with demons brought our races to the brink of destruction. And although we are much stronger now, it is unknown what the demons can field against us. None of us, even with combined power, can break into the astral space of Inferno and cannot even guess what they might have prepared for us there. Unfortunately, the former unity is gone; our races are now divided, and grudges have accumulated.
Therefore, I propose—to destroy the composite Talisman. Before destruction, we must merge the parts of the Talisman and then strike with the combined power of our magics. I am well aware of the difficulties we will face. The parts of the Talisman cannot be transferred through subtle paths; messengers must be sent, as we ourselves are old enough not to travel personally. Nor should we travel ourselves—we are too prominent figures, and if we disappear anywhere, it will be noticed immediately, and scouts for either the demons or Agremay will instantly report to their masters. Consequently, under the guise of messengers, we must send representatives of our races who are unknown, inconspicuous…»
«The best scouts who possess all these qualities are our elves!» Trent's thought-form jumped up, «the forest dwellers are good in their own forests, I won't even mention the dwarves, so only our warriors can carry the parts of the Talisman unnoticed.»
«Brother, no one disputes the quality of your warriors, but who knows ALL underground paths better than dwarves to move the parts of the Talisman unnoticed beneath the earth,» the dwarf heavily added his argument, «and underground we will not have to fear Agremay's spies.»
«But demons know dungeons better than dwarves, as they lived in them long before our appearance here, in this world,» Hilael said, «and therefore I propose to choose messengers from each race so that no distrust or suspicion arises among the others, as Lecius suggested. We forest elves indeed know forests best, dwarves—the mountain regions, Dark ones—their dungeons, but humans have an idea of all territories in general. Let us find messengers among our close associates whom we can trust to carry the Talisman to the Great Circle of Power in the Dragon Mountains.
After that, we will travel there via subtle paths and, using our powers, merge the composite Talisman into one. Then, utilizing the magic of the circle, we will activate the Power of the Dragon-gift, and the talisman will be destroyed.»
«No, brother, not close associates,» the Archmage countered, «but on the contrary, the most inconspicuous and unknown. Our close associates are known to many sorcerers, and tracking their movement—especially with parts of the Talisman, which are themselves disturbing factors—would not be difficult. But if the messengers are not mages, but simple emissaries, non-mages, then tracking the path of the Talisman parts will be quite difficult. I do not know how much time we have in reserve or if any exists at all, but I propose to immediately begin searching for such candidates.»
All present nodded in silence.

Zeratul, everything is fine, but I would like to discuss a few points:

1.

Mind merge is a very unpleasant procedure, when a mage must realize his astral personality in the brain of another, create his virtual double, possessing all the abilities of the original, placing it in the head of another.

“Brain” sounds ugly; I think “consciousness” is better. Secondly, “another” is repeated twice. I suggest the following:

Mind merge is a very unpleasant procedure, when a mage must realize his astral personality in the consciousness of another, create his virtual double, possessing all the abilities of the original, placing it in the head of the interlocutor.

2.

Let's find messengers among our close associates, whom we can trust to take the Talisman to the Great Circle of Power, which is in the Dragon Mountains.

Why so many unnecessary words? Sorry. Better like this:

Let's find messengers among our close associates, whom we can trust to take it to the cave of Silvius (a dragon familiar with the archmage, who fought with him in the Dragon Mountains during the first demon war), which is in the Dragon Mountains. IMHO.

3.

“So – Merge!” suddenly cried out the forest elf.

Better: proclaimed.

In general, I only found these.

Let's find messengers among our close circle, people we can trust to deliver the artifact to the cave of Silus (a dragon familiar with the archmage, who fought alongside him in the Dragon Mountains during the First Demon War). That's my opinion.

Colleague, I agree with the corrections, except for the dragon. If we include the dragon, won't it imply that the dragon is supposed to destroy the artifact? If so, I disagree. I have an idea for its destruction. And besides, despite its formidable size and abilities, the dragon is not invulnerable. So, after delivering the parts, the demons could destroy the dragon and take the amulet!
But still, thank you for the new idea, colleague. I wish you further creative success.
I hope you received the message on ICQ?

Added 5 hours 44 minutes later
And also, colleague. I just read your revised version of the Council scene and ask you to double-check it against the original. For example: "in his hand, his carved Staff. With a shuffling gait towards the door of the Council Chamber, the archmage casually waved his staff." The reader will wonder why the word "staff" is capitalized in the first case and not in the second. In the original, it's the Staff of the Highest Initiation, which indicates that the mage has reached very high levels and been initiated into many of the world's secrets. In your version, it seems like the staff is just a walking stick. And please, double-check the rest. Understand, colleague, I am not infallible, but I carefully formulate the text before typing it.

I've read the new text. I only stumbled on this phrase:

added a resonant bass to his thought, like a dwarf

I reread it several times... I can't fully imagine this phrase... either something is wrong with it... or with my imagination...

Maybe:

added his thought with a resonant, dwarfish bass

is better, more correct?

Otherwise, I didn't find any mistakes. Sincerely, Simas.

The lands of the Elves. Not far from Glengahr were the eternally green and beautiful forests of the Elves. By chance, it was through these lands that Albin's path led, specifically to the grove where he was headed and where he ruled, Hilael. For many centuries, the Elves had carefully protected the forest. They cherish every leaf on a tree, every bee that pollinates the flowers. Everything that grows on the land is sacred to the Elves. Even the most withered trees, which are often found in the lifeless and barren lands of the Necromancers, the Elves can bring back to life. For Silanna, nothing is impossible for her loyal servants of the forest. Silanna can revive any dead tree, any flower, and even a bee. But the Elves must carefully protect the forest and all its inhabitants, so as not to anger Mother Earth. However, the Elves have never been able to merge with the forest in perfect harmony and exist as a single entity. The reason for this is war. War has taken root in these lands for a long time. Although the demon lord was defeated long ago, and his ring shattered, the Elves could not feel completely safe. There were constant conflicts with other races. Everyone needs wood, but the Elves will never allow the forest to be cut down. This has led to endless conflicts, and sometimes even armed clashes, between the peaceful inhabitants of the forest and other races. It was in these difficult conditions that the Elves created schools of combat sword dancing. The need for this arose when it became clear that while Elven archers, renowned for their unparalleled accuracy and unexpected shots, attack from a distance, someone must fight in close combat, otherwise there was a great risk of destroying the already small army of archers. Of course, the Elven forces have Ents and Unicorns, but these are inhabitants of the forest, children of Silanna, whom the forest Elves have sworn to protect to the last drop of blood. And therefore, they resort to their help very rarely, only when the forest is in mortal danger. And if their dark brethren were ruled by seductive and cruel Shadow Witches, then the inhabitants of the forest preferred to rely on the wise and battle-hardened Druids of the forest. These are the just and devoted servants of Silanna, the goddess, mother of the earth. But recently, a battle with the undead took place in the grove. The battle was short, but extremely fierce and bloody. While the council of druids, led by Hilael, discussed what had happened with the other guardians, a quiet conversation about what had happened was also taking place among the students of the combat sword dancing school. Everyone was shocked by what had happened and put forward their own versions of what had happened. But among the other students, one Elf stood out. He remained silent throughout the conversation, only quietly listening to the various versions offered by the speakers. This Elf's name was Silbern. Silbern was an extraordinary student. From his first year of training, he distinguished himself by his perseverance and determination in learning the complex and graceful technique of combat sword dancing. He was of average height, somewhere between 170cm and 185cm. He was slender and strong, perhaps some would consider him handsome. His long, waist-length white hair, as is customary for military dancers, was braided into a braid. However, his bangs fell over his young and daring face, eager for adventure. A small string with a silver leaf was tied to a strand of hair above his left eye. A small emerald, like a drop of dew on a flower, adorned this leaf. This was the only thing that reminded him of his parents, who died prematurely when pirates attacked their ship. He was at home with his grandfather at the time. His grandfather was once a famous archer and therefore taught his grandson to wield Elven bows quite well. But his grandson preferred to master the beautiful Elven sword dance rather than simply master the bow. Now, Silbern was no less shocked than the others by what had happened. The battle took place right near Hilael's palace, which was located in the very depths of the grove. This suggests that the enemy had advanced very far. The losses were enormous. About 30 archers, just over two dozen sword dancers, and about two dozen fairies and dryads perished. In addition, an Ent, which stood in the way of the undead, was destroyed. Two creatures and a dozen and a half zombies hacked him to pieces. In addition, something happened that drove all the Elves into a rage – one of the Unicorns was killed. The Elves revere Unicorns as sacred animals. They believe that the Elven race will exist as long as at least one Unicorn lives, and therefore the killing of a Unicorn is considered the most terrible crime against their people and their goddess, Silanna. In addition, two druids and one elder druid died, which made the entire forest people seriously think. The undead's losses were almost three times greater, but they are dead, and they can be raised from the fallen living, and the very fact of their invasion was perplexing. Their goals and intentions were completely unclear.

Dracon Mallasa, the text is good. But please, don't over-dramatize the events, and don't emphasize the elven hierarchy so harshly. Also, although there are some inconsistencies, I won't focus on them for now, but I'd like to say that you rushed things by bringing the elves together. The meeting will happen, of course, but later. It's very strange that Trent, like all the Dark Elves, who are known for their distrust and suspicion, suddenly gives a valuable artifact to just any graduate of the assassin school. There needs to be some form of selection process, conducted personally by Trent, and the scene with the hydra fight, frankly, is not very significant. Of course, the main assessment will be done by Cymaus, and I'm just making notes.

I probably agree that I’m rushing things. As for why Trent sent Albin, that’s something that should definitely be written about. But we agreed with DinHot that I would describe the lands of the elves, and he would explain how Albin ended up there. So, for now, we’re waiting for DinHot’s excerpt.

. But we agreed with DinHot that I would describe the lands of the elves, and he somehow ended up as Albin in them. So, we are waiting for DinHot's excerpt.

Very good, colleague. Please keep me informed about who is "working" with which race to avoid confusion.

Added 6 minutes later
Colleagues, a request to everyone! I understand the desire to see our creation at least on paper as soon as possible, but there is no need to try to put the cart before the horse. We lack even an approximate map of the area of operations, not to mention a map of the entire world. For now, we are describing the actions without even a hint of geography. On the one hand, this is convenient; we can always make changes later, but on the other hand, we will start to get confused ourselves. After all, WE are working on the project together, and this inevitably leads to discrepancies. Let's at least roughly outline for ourselves the area of supposed actions.

I agree that we need to describe the area of action. For starters, I will post my excerpt, and perhaps later I will even create a map. So, first, let's describe the area where our story unfolds in more detail. Dark Elves have always preferred to live in dungeons, but this small Stronghold was built on the surface, and not for a paradise-like and carefree life, but for continuous clashes with demons, because this city stood on the border with the lands of the Demon Lord (or whatever his name is). That is why, about 50 km from this Stronghold, lava rivers began, where the ground was so hot that it burned your feet, even if you were wearing boots. This was the first torment of the Demon Lord for those who dared to disobey his will and attack the fortresses of hell. But around our town, where Albin was undergoing his training, things were not so gloomy. Within a 30 km radius of it, a bare steppe stretched out. Further, on one side (as we already mentioned, there were the lands of demons), and on the other, the forests of the elves gradually grew. The war with the demons united the forest and dark elves, forcing them to forget, at least for a while, about their own animosity. The forests of the elves were to the north, the lands of the demons to the south, and to the east and west rose impassable mountains and volcanoes, where terrifying and almost invincible magma dragons roamed. And at an altitude of many thousands of meters, on the eternally snow-capped peaks, there were small settlements of dwarves, who tried to stay as far away as possible from the eternal and bloody battles between Good and Evil. Now, dear reader, can easily imagine the small piece of land on which our story unfolds.

I agree that we need to describe the area of action. For starters, I will post my excerpt, and perhaps later I will even create a map.
Now, the esteemed reader can easily imagine the piece of land on which our story unfolds.

Colleague, that's good, just don't forget that we are describing the entire world, not just a small piece of it. Soon, I will try to scan and provide Perumov's version, which he created for his "Mage."
As I assume, we will have a more global scale. And therefore, we need to use larger distances in kilometers.

for continuous clashes with demons,

Don't forget that there are no demon lands in the time we are describing. Demons are in Hell, and only small groups infiltrate the surface.

The war with the demons united the wood and dark elves, forcing them to forget, at least
for a short time, about their own animosities.

Perhaps it would be better to talk about disputes or animosity (singular). And then, in the time we are describing, the elves are again at odds, sometimes secretly, and sometimes openly.

Okay, I won't argue about that for now. As for encounters with demons, I think we should keep them.

Sorry, was the narration from a first-person perspective not included here? I could write it for you, if you'd like.

My apologies, was the narrative from the perspective of a person not included here? In principle, I could write it for him.

Colleague, I am already writing the narrative from the perspective of a person. But if you help, I won't refuse assistance. I will post the first drafts on the forum within the next 2 days.

Okay, agreed. Let's discuss it.