Posts from toxic environment Auto-translated

Revan’s “Sheets of Revelation” inspired me to share something here that I usually keep hidden from most people.



At one time, I created a VK public page where I started posting my own "Creation" in the form of what I call "variations"—free verse poems inspired by songs. That is, written according to their structure and with the same ideas, and sometimes even with the same words. It all started a long time ago when I was still a little noob and trying to translate songs. At some point, I began to put frankly random words into them so that they would better suit my state of mind. That's how it all started. Personally, I actually consider this a pathetic kind of creativity, but I can't force myself to stop coming up with them.

I just needed a place to dump the accumulated emotions inside me that I couldn't show to people. I thought that maybe I could create a thread on ХВ to post them there. Revan’s actions convinced me to open up because if not here, then where will anyone understand my dark side? So, please be kind.



Oh, and yes, I won't be posting the original songs that inspired me; figure them out for yourselves. Otherwise, you might think that my already mediocre creation is completely pitiful when compared to the original.

And probably here, unlike in ВК, it makes sense to make some comments so that people at least roughly understand what kind of devilry was going on in my soul. So I want to start with a rather old variation (most of them are old, but since I am a person who does not change in character, they are still relevant today), which can be called programmatic in something, because many of my demons are touched upon there and there is even a reference to ХВ, hehe.

RECOVERY

Initial date: 05/15/09
date of original writing in Japanese format YYYY.MM.DD


The wall of my bedroom mocks me,
Hatred is nurtured and carefully fed.
Wire and Wenz compete for my attention.
Look out the window: rain is God's urine.

There are ten times more stupid hamsters than musicians,
So Lordi and Ellie had good intentions.
I pour glass after glass: may the leader live!
What a twist - I was left empty-handed.

So I recover.
I relieve stress.
Because punitive measures are unacceptable.
So I recover.
I relieve stress.
Because punitive measures are unacceptable.

Plastic with "Coca-Cola", yes, an electric chair -
These are my favorite inventions of the twentieth century.
Every time I meet a new girlfriend,
I put on armor to protect myself from a stab in the back.

Elemental injustice in the impossibility of escape.
And even if you leave, you can’t take a gun with you.
However, my friend has a better ass than these cows.
I am afraid of the lack of money and my own weakness.

So I recover.
I relieve stress.
Because punitive measures are unacceptable.
So I recover.
I relieve stress.
Because punitive measures are unacceptable.

A razor blade on the skin, and a good orgasm -
That's all that can revive me again.
Big hello to everyone who refused me!
You need to scream until the pain goes away,
Scream until the pain goes away.

My moral compass is broken, like the tuning of my guitar.
So you need to scream until the pain goes away,
Until the pain goes away.
Need another bottle and a game of "Mafia".
And then - scream until the pain goes away.

So I recover.
I relieve stress.
Because punitive measures are unacceptable.
So I rehabilitate myself.
I straighten my body.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING AROUND IS GOING TO HELL!

And this is from very recently; it describes my current emotional and mental state. Lina is my ex-girlfriend, with whom things started so well in terms of communication and understanding, but then very quickly spiraled into nothing... In general, many of these things have references to real people who wounded me spiritually one way or another, so get ready, there will be a lot of f**king suffering.

ROSES IN THE HOSPITAL

初核日: 17.07.02



Roses in the hospital...
I'm trying to break my fingers.
Roses in the hospital...
I want to press myself against something warm.
Roses in the hospital...
Developing like a constant war.
Roses in the hospital...
Now there is no one left to be ashamed of.

All I wanted was to find a home.
Now I'm so drugged up that I have no strength left.
As if I were a leaf in an autumn storm,
As if a stone in a mountain waterfall...

I don't need your f**king sympathy.

Roses in the hospital...
Stubbing cigarettes out on my arm.
Roses in the hospital...
Trying to find even something worthwhile.
Roses in the hospital...
Nothing can make me happy anymore.
Roses in the hospital...
Because marijuana is too trendy right now.

All I wanted was to find a home.
Now I'm so drugged up that I have no strength left.
As if I were a leaf in an autumn storm,
As if a stone in a mountain waterfall...

I don't need your f**king sympathy.

Roses in the hospital...
Look at how much I've achieved in life.
Roses in the hospital...
I raise my voice, but no one hears my words.
Roses in the hospital...
And flowers cannot express this feeling of loss.
Roses in the hospital...
Faded memories of burned trash,
Burned trash!

Forever-forever too late...
Forever-forever too late...
Forever,
Forever.
Forever-forever too late...
(Independence is a myth.)
Forever-forever too late...
(And responsibility bores me to death.)
Forever,
Forever.
(Lina, Lina, Lina, Lina, Lina-Lina-Lina-Lina will fail!)

Forever-forever too late...
Forever-forever too late...
Forever,
Forever.
Forever-forever too late...
(Love scratches into my skin.)
Forever-forever too late...
(It's sexually transmitted, like a suntan.)
(And I didn't know, I didn't know the sun at all!)
(Lina, Lina, Lina, Lina, Lina-Lina-Lina-Lina will fail!)

EPICENTER

Initial date: 15.12.18



We sell ourselves,
We are slaves to the system,
For meager money
And dubious achievements,
Dubious achievements...

I feel that there is no other way out,
Except through my own hatred.
The secondary consequences of information warfare
Have blocked oxygen throughout the country.

Like a trained dog with memory loss,
A pathetic creature, I worship antidepressants.
This is my epicenter.
This is my epicenter.

False energy and beige gold – my pantheon.
I can't burn an old album, an old album…
I am breaking down, I am trembling… Kill the feelings.
Let reality be. Kill the feelings, kill the feelings…

Like a trained dog with memory loss,
A pathetic creature, I worship antidepressants.
This is my epicenter.
This is my epicenter.

I run away in my dreams
Into the murky waters of past days.
I walk on the edge, I walk on the edge.
My nerves are destroyed.

I feel that there is no other way out,
Except through my own hatred.
The secondary consequences of information warfare
Have blocked oxygen throughout the country.

Like a trained dog with memory loss,
A pathetic creature, I worship antidepressants.
This is my epicenter.
This is my epicenter.

It’s not drugs or alcohol,
So boldly swallow your medicine, boy!
It’s not drugs or alcohol,
So boldly swallow your medicine, boy!

Because this is my epicenter...

____________________________________________________

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WITH A NEW DESPAIR! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!)

Don't think that I only have the blues; there is something somewhat positive too… DESIGN FOR LIFE Initial date: 14.03.16 Music made us strong, Then the internet came and freed us. So how much does it cost now? Just a tiny bit of dignity? I would like a bottle right now Right to my ugly face, To show off all the scars, To show everyone who I am. We don’t sing about love! We just want to get drunk! And we don’t have much time left! Because, as we shouted, the end is near! Design for life! Design for life! Design for life! Design for life! I would like a bottle right now Right to my ugly face, To show off all the scars, To show everyone who I am. We don’t sing about love! We just want to get drunk! And we don’t have much time left! Because, as we shouted, the end is near! Design for life! Design for life! Design for life! Design for life! We don’t sing about love! We just want to get drunk! And we don’t have much time left! Because, as we shouted, the end is near! Design for life! Design for life! Design for life! Design for...

In general, this should be a purely winter-themed piece, but you know, sitting here at home now, without work, any interesting communication or pastime, and without meaning in life, it seems to me that it is still relevant… BODY TEMPERATURE Initial date: 11.12.13 The gloomy sky is not visible again. A broken lantern, a cold wind. Unknown silhouettes are frightening. Winter, which has taken away freedom. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. I don't want to see this dreary city. Mad voices rot in my ears. Repetition. Loneliness Violates me, violates me, violates me. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Why me? Who will answer for this? I beg you, tell me that all this is just a terrible dream. How much longer am I destined to repeat and suffer? I beg you, answer that all this is just a terrible dream. With a voice unheard by anyone, I scream with all my might. And there is no hand that could Fix my messy hair. Beautiful voices drown out in my ears. The temperature remains stable at the beginning of the cursed winter. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Understanding is impossible. Suppressing the pain, I couldn’t force myself to stop this hateful life. An endless chain of hopelessness and despair. Suppressing hatred, I convince myself that I am not completely repulsive. But will I meet someone who appreciates me? I beg you, tell me that all this is just a terrible dream. How much longer am I destined to repeat and suffer? I beg you, answer that all this is just a terrible dream. In mid-December, I can no longer smile. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I thought for a long time whether to post this here or not, because it’s quite personal, but whatever, let it be. This is from the latest one.

JULIETTA / ARIETTA

Initial Date: 10.17.15



The promises that were made in youth,
Seem funny after years have passed.
At a speed of 100 steps per second, I walk nowhere,
Because I am eternally late.

My heart aches so much without you.
Since birth, there has been emptiness inside.
But all I want is just to live,
And forget how insignificant my life is…

Please, draw me once more,
Julietta / Arietta.
Please, sing for me once more,
Arietta / Julietta.

I walk on the night asphalt -
And for once feel peace.
I walk on hot sand -
And finally feel relief.

Every day I look at your photos,
So as not to forget how beautiful you were then.
Why can’t the past simply be burned?
I am powerless against my shattered dreams.

Please, draw me once more,
Julietta / Arietta.
Please, sing for me once more,
Arietta / Julietta.

So I pray!
I pray, draw me once more...
Julietta / Arietta!
I pray, sing for me once more...
Arietta / Julietta!