Funny and amusing situations...

It seems like the first time I've played against a foreigner, and even though it was "for fun," my hands are itching to write a little report (no one asked for it:) .
Basically, formally Jebus Cross: my blue Valeska against red Tower of Vachik, a fellow from Bulgaria. It all ended around 126, after my SUDDEN :D arrival.

So, inspired by Lesya, our own Poderevyansky (original source):

Valentina Egorovna and the Little Men.

Cast of characters:

Valentina Egorovna - a beautiful and proud bitch, every little man's dream.
Malcolm Georgievich - a little man, damn good looking.
Loins Loinsovich - a balding little man.
Christian Christianovich - a strong and smart little man with a gun.
Aidenato Vasilievich - a cynical little man.
Dessa Adolfovich - a blonde beast.
Alexandra - Valentina Egorovna's ugly and unprincipled friend.
A group of moocher trolls.
Boys in white.

Act One (and last:) ):

Valentina Egorovna's kitchen is an unattractive place that all the little men must pass through before entering Valentina Egorovna's bedroom. Our heroine sits and dozes with her beautiful and proud face in finely chopped raw onion on a wooden board. Malcolm Georgievich, a damn good looking little man, stands sticking his head into the refrigerator in a kitchen apron, muttering something dissatisfiedly under his breath.

Malcolm Georgievich (to himself, through tears). This is insane, it reeks. I've hated onions since childhood! (to Valentina Egorovna). You kurva, why do you keep so many chickens at once? I lost count, but definitely more than fifty - now I can't get a damn thing out of the fridge because of them.

Valentina Egorovna doesn't make a sound.

Malcolm Georgievich(confidently). Well no matter, I'll whip up my signature dessert "Plums in Chocolate" (closes the refrigerator and moans dreamily like Homer Simpson). Mmmm... Plums!.. 100 percent it'll work!(to Valentina Egorovna) And where are your pots anyway? In what external dwelling, so to speak?.. (again to himself). Ah, found 4 right away.

Malcolm Georgievich takes out the pots, for some reason pulls the board with onions from under Valentina Egorovna's face and starts concocting something. Without waking up, Valentina Egorovna lightly slaps her palms against her face with stuck-on pieces of onion, like a cosmetic mask, and lies face down on the table again. Christian Christianovich enters - a strong and smart little man (in his own opinion).

Christian Christianovich (spinning around stupidly, looking about). What an ambush! I can't find my gun... (to Malcolm Georgievich). Have you seen it?

Malcolm Georgievich (snidely). What, lost your service weapon, Comrade Captain? He-he-he!.. I'll return it for a symbolic "restoration" fee of 2500 bucks.

Christian Christianovich instantly becomes somewhat not-strong and not-smart and, hanging his head, leaves into the dark corridor. Dessa Adolfovich, the blonde beast, bursts in, tripping Christian Christianovich with an incredibly witty foot-trip on the way, causing him to make a terrible "kaboom" in the corridor - even Valentina Egorovna begins to wake up.

Dessa Adolfovich. Fall in, you bastards! The Doctor has arrived. (yanks the gun from Malcolm Georgievich's belt). While you guys are having social chats here, I've been hitting the discos and shaking down some cash from the kids, well, and their colorful drugs that make angels appear. And with this (raises the gun up), we can hit the banks, I think.

Valentina Egorovna (regally). You're a fool, Adolfych: banks are full of metal detectors - they'll spot you before you even beep. You should same have gone for onions, for real.

Dessa Adolfovich (slightly embarrassed). I'm tired already, I'd rather have some chicken soup...

Malcolm Georgievich (insanely snidely). Oh, you waaa...nt soup? And did you go for the oniooo...ns?.. (giggles quietly).

Out of nowhere a crowd of forum trolls appears, storms the refrigerator, and eventually seizes enough chicken legs for a brother, which they immediately start gnawing on raw.

Valentina Egorovna (breathing onion at the trolls, menacingly). Now scatter, you schoolkids!

The trolls disappear just as suddenly. A ring of Krakow sausage falls out of the open refrigerator. Aidenato Vasilievich, a cynical little man, enters and picks up the sausage.

Aidenato Vasilievich (smelling the same Krakow, spits). Ptoo! Second-rate horsemeat.

Valentina Egorovna. Look at him! Scribbled some satanic crap on his forehead, made a god-forsaken face, and he still expects angels in nectar-ambrosia sauce, does he!?..

Aidenato Vasilievich (biting into the ring of sausage, characteristically cynically). I don't know about angels, but they give chickens at the supermarket practically for free. If I were you...

Dessa Adolfovich. You're too smart for our place. A demon has possessed you - maybe you're advising us some kind of sludge on purpose? huh?..

Valentina Egorovna meanwhile slaps a few blood-sucking mosquitoes on her beautiful and proud body.

Valentina Egorovna (satisfied). Well, this is the absolute limit! Now I've gotten smarter by a whole ten of those... what's that smart word again... ah! kilobytes! 10 kilobytes, damn (laughs, beautifully and proudly). I'll use "Carnation" cologne in the future...

Loins Loinsovich enters - a balding little man. In each hand he has some incomprehensible bulky container (maybe boxes, maybe cages, maybe some unknown crap), white feathers are flying out of them. On Loins Loinsovich's chest is a cross made of an unknown metal weighing at least a kilogram. It's immediately obvious the man is blessed.

Loins Loinsovich. I was just passing by. Thought I'd stop in for some chicken soup (smiles). I brought you some Bush legs, Valentina Egorovna.

Valentina Egorovna (angrily). Go to hell, you bald loser! And did it not occur to you to pluck them? Get this shit off my kitchen fast!

Loins Loinsovich (offended). That was the plan; the feathers will go into your pillows, Valentina. (proudly). No joke - I communized 20 broilers from the local poultry farm, I'll get it all sorted now...

Malcolm Georgievich (with the air of an expert). You messed up, Lenchik! Valentina Egorovna prefers to have synthetic padding in her bed, and feathers attract all sorts of parasites: bedbugs, ticks, bald weirdos. He-he-he!...

Valentina Egorovna (unexpectedly). Little men! tell me, how many boys does it take to change a lightbulb... ptoo you! I mean, to open a can of preserves?

Loins Loinsovich. Well, that depends on the preserve. I think six would be enough, under my careful guidance so to speak, to pop open a medium-sized one.

The little men raise Loins Loinsovich in laughter and start boasting over each other about who needs fewer. Loins Loinsovich humbly folds his hands on his chest with a sigh of "God's will" and martyrly endures the mockery. Alexandra enters, Valentina Egorovna's ugly and unprincipled friend, with two strong boys. With their help, Valentina Egorovna opens a huge can.

Valentina Egorovna. Learn from them, you milk-sops!

The boys collectively slap blood-sucking mosquitoes on themselves and take several ducks with apples out of the refrigerator. Using magical phrases like "my children," "amen," "fuck" etc., Loins Loinsovich leads them away along with their ducks in an unknown direction. Infectious smacking sounds are heard, after which there are more boys, but only two ducks. Loins Loinsovich is proud, but shrinks under the derogatory looks of the others.

Valentina Egorovna. Ehh! If we're going to party, let's party! (opens all the cans she can reach, takes 30 brown figures strikingly similar to Loins Loinsovich out of a dusty box). What kind of tastelessness is this, I'm floored? (repaints them blue with gilding; runs to the sink and greedily drinks from the tap).

Dessa Adolfovich (understandingly). Thirsty, Valyusha?.. Why did you drink so much?

Valentina Egorovna (mimicking). "Why-why?" Nowhere, it's just written in a smart book - drink more fluids, pray and take communion regularly, then all sorts of stupid questions like "why-why?" will disappear and I'll be jumping around on one leg on the asphalt like some little brat.

The TV starts showing storytellers. Deputies with an election program. Everyone listens spellbound, hypnotized, but Valentina Egorovna with her iron will grabs the remote at the 4th clip and not without pain switches to another channel. It's even better there: Champions League, and there are almost 60 of these champions.

Valentina Egorovna (temptingly). I don't know about you, but I'm going to the bedroom, boys... New snow-white linens, and I'll find sleeping caps for you too, little blue ones, stylish!..

Immediately someone turns off the TV. And everyone, including 15 strong boys in white, rush together after Valentina Egorovna. From behind the scenes, a clean sheet slowly crawls out, looking more like a white flag.

Curtain.