Sacred Haven of Debauchery

Yes... this is the answering machine. Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call right now. Press 1 if you are a secretary who wants to ask for coffee with cream. Press 2 if you are calling about the newspaper. Press 3 if you have decided to request an audience – this will connect you to the secretary. Press the crossed-out phone icon if you simply have nothing else to do. Thank you for your attention.
*Okay, I'm off to work on the newspaper.*